


We Are The Future

by TotallyTinkerbell



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Boy Squad, Broerrrs - Freeform, Christmas Eve, College, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Girl Squad - Freeform, High School, Humor, M/M, Mental Health Issues, New Year's Eve, chosen family, mentions of assault, multiple POVs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:33:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 125
Words: 240,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22185655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotallyTinkerbell/pseuds/TotallyTinkerbell
Summary: What happened after Robbe told us that we live right now.
Relationships: Amber Snoeckx/Aaron Jacobs, Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans, Zoë Loockx/Senne De Smet
Comments: 109
Kudos: 675





	1. Friday – 20/12/2019 - 23.54

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will follow the lives of the main characters in between S3 and S4, and will include alternating POV's depending on the ongoing storyline. At least one chapter will be written for each calendar day between December 20th, 2019 (end of S3) and April 1st, 2020 (beginning of #wtfockdown).  
> UPDATE: This fic will be uploaded daily on weekdays, so new chapters appear monday - friday around 11PM/midnight Antwerp time.  
> I have additional content written for this fic that is out of canon and/or crosses the M-rating of this fic. If you wish to read that, send me a DM on twitter.
> 
> Come say hi on Twitter @TayaTinkerbell, my dms are open.

Robbe waved at Jens and Moyo leaving the apartment while he himself was on his way towards the kitchen, and dropped the last few glasses on the counter.

“Is that all of them?” Zoë asked, and Robbe replied with a short ”Jup.“ before he took a look around the kitchen. It was relatively clean, nothing that they couldn’t finish tidying up tomorrow. Of course if they hadn’t lost their fourth roommate, the clean up would’ve gone a lot quicker.

Robbe glanced over at Zoë, who was focussing on the remainder of the dishes. He had asked it a few days ago, and he saw her happy and dancing at the party. But somehow he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had to say something. Had to tell her that if the day did come that she wanted to talk about it, he was there.

“You can go, Robbe. I’ll finish off. I’m sure Sander is waiting for you.”

And so Robbe did. He paused by the doorframe to the kitchen a moment to make sure she was okay, and then walked over to his room.

“Night Milan.” he said as he walked by the living room. Robbe didn’t bother waiting for a reply, as his feet quickly carried him to his room. The door was closed, but the lights were still on and when Robbe walked in, Sander was in the process of lifting his shirt over his head.

Robbe couldn’t help but laugh, and when Sander looked over his shoulder he was grinning too, thinking back to their earlier conversation about Sander not keeping on his clothes for tonight.

“You weren’t kidding when you said that earlier...” Robbe said as he got onto the bed. Sander threw his shirt on the ground and then reached for Robbe, wrapping his arm around him and pulling him in for a long kiss.

“I’m never kidding about getting naked with you.” he said while their faces remained inches apart. Robbe smiled brightly, staring at Sander’s lips intensely. Not even two months ago the thought of craving a boy’s kisses so much terrified him. Now they were ready available to him. Or, at least whenever Sander wasn’t being a giant tease .

“But actually , I’m a bit more exhausted than I thought.” Sander then said. His smile dissappeared when he did, and he looked down, eyes away from Robbe’s. Robbe recognized the look. The exhaustion but also the shame. He had seen it when they came home on monday afternoon. It was the look Sander had when he thought he was being an inconvenience. When he was ashamed of his needs. Which had been mainly comfort, some good food and listening to Bowie for the last few days. So after a party like the one they just had tonight , Robbe soon realized it had been a lot.

So Robbe reached forward and placed a kiss on Sander’s forehead, his hand slowly lifting his face up by his chin.

”Sander, look at me.” Robbe said, in the most reassuring voice he could manage. When Sander’s eyes finally landed on him again , he softly smiled. ”It’s okay.”

And that was all that he needed to say. Sander’s smile returned on his face, and their foreheads touched. Sander’s hand reached up Robbe’s arm, resting on his shoulder.

“What did I do to deserve you?”

And Robbe’s heart swelled with love even more than it had earlier in the night, when he watched all his friends have fun and enjoy the party he had organised.

He then placed a hand on Sander’s neck, placed a quick kiss on his lips and looked him in the eyes. ”Let’s go to sleep, okay?”

Sander nodded and moved back to the other side of the bed where he checked his phone quickly while Robbe got out of his clothes. He smiled as he saw the message on his phone, and waited until Robbe was settled in on the pillow before Sander placed his head on his shoulder.

“My mom just replied. She said she’s excited to meet you tomorrow.” Sander said in a sleepy voice. Robbe looked down and smiled, eyes already closed and the fatigue setting in. ”I’m looking forward to it too.”


	2. Saturday – 21/12/2019 - 10.18

“But yeah, nothing happened after that.” Aaron said. “I mean, they were going to. I was ready, you know.” he said, balled fists in the air to indicate his excitement. 

Jens just patted him on the shoulder and shook his head. “Better luck next time then buddy.” he said. 

Aaron sighed deeply, muttering something about ‘if there will be a next time’ but Jens didn’t pay any further attention to it, eyeing the sight of Robbe’s face on the wall across the water. He put his hands in his pockets, still in thought and tuning out Moyo and Aaron’s conversation for a bit. 

He thought back to the beach trip, and one of the conversations he had with Sander while putting on the paintball gear. 

“S _o_ _you_ _guys_ _are_ _all_ _in KAB?” Sander had asked. “Aside from Noor?”_

_Jens had_ _nodded_ _. “Jup. Most of us_ _since_ _first_ _year_ _. Jana t_ _ransferred_ _last_ _year_ _,_ _and_ _Aaron_ _this_ _year_ _.”_

_Sander hummed in understanding, grabbing one of the helmets from_ _the_ _shelf_ _._

_"Aaron. Right, I_ _forgot_ _his name.” Sander then said_ _with_ _a_ _guilty_ _smile_ _._

_“No_ _worries_ _man. It’s cool_ _that_ _you’re_ _here._ _That_ _Britt_ _brought_ _you_ _along_ _, I_ _mean._ _” Jens_ _said_ _. “_ _And_ _i_ _f_ _you’re_ _not_ _sick of_ _us_ _after_ _this_ _week,_ _you’re_ _always_ _welcome to join us some time_ _when_ _we hang out._ _We’re_ _often_ _at Droogdokkenpark.”_

_“ T_ _hanks_ _man.” Sander_ _said_ _,_ _nodding_ _his_ _head_ _. “Will keep_ _it_ _in mind.”_

“Man, that Sander guy is so cool. Did you see how they were all over each other last night. I’m sure they got it on last night.” Aaron said with envy in his voice. 

Jens looked at Aaron, who had noticed Jens’ eyeing of the mural. Jens shrugged and grabbed his phone from his pocket before he started walking. “You’ll get there Aaron. Eventually.” 

“Give it a few years.” Moyo added, before joining Jens. 

“Oh, we’re leaving.” Aaron said, then climbing off the wall and joining the guys. 


	3. Saturday – 21/12/2019 - 13.25

Sander walked back into Robbe’s room on his way back from the bathroom to find Robbe with a dark blue folder in his hands. Clearly he was occupied with something else, as he didn’t even see him walk in.

“Your rapport card?” Sander asked, startling Robbe out of his thoughts.

“Eh, yes. I haven’t shown it to my parents yet. My dad has been texting about it.”

Sander grabbed the chair at Robbe’s desk, and rolled it to sit in front of him on the corner of the bed. Sander recalled coming home with rapport cards, his body tense and full of anxiety because he was never going to be the mathematical wonder child that his parents wanted. His mom being a physics professor at the University didn’t help with the expectations for academic success.

“Hey.” Sander said, touching Robbe’s wrist. “You still have all of winter break to get that signed. And my mom doesn’t even know you’re still in high school so she won’t ask about it this afternoon.”

Robbe looked up and smiled at the thought of meeting Sander’s mom, who seemed chill from what he had heard. “She thinks I’m some pretentious college kid studying... interior design?” Robbe mocked, as he turned his wrist so he was holding Sander’s hand, pulling him closer. Sander eventually got the message and swung his leg around to straddle Robbe. Physical space was a concept they didn’t know.

“No...” Sander said, his eyes rolling. Then he looked down at Robbe’s adorable smile. 

“She knows your name. She knows I’ve been staying here for a week and so she assumes you know how to cook. I haven’t corrected her, though I should.” Sander grinned. He looked down at Robbe teasingly. “And she also knows that you are important to me and she won’t judge on the fact that you’re a boy. She knows that’s not something I take into consideration regarding the people I fall for. So...”

Robbe took in the info, and thanked the heavens that Sander had somehow painted the most innocent picture of him that he could have. The last thing Robbe needed was for his boyfriend’s parents to hate him for the awful things he said when he was really just pissed at himself and not at Sander.

“Well then I think I’m ready to meet her. Shall we get going?”

“Yeah, sure. It’s down in Wilrijk, so it’s only like a 10 minute bikeride."Sander said, as he got up again and put on his signature leather jacket. Robbe moved to grab his in the hallway, and then opened the front door to the apartment. “Lead the way.”


	4. Sunday - 22/12/2019 - 12.19

When the doorbell rang Milan got up from chatting on grindr in the living room and made his way over to the hallway. To his surprise, Senne was standing in front of him when the door opened. He was void of much emotion but Milan could spot he was tired and a bit broken.

Senne actually smiled a bit seeing Milan at the door, but as soon as he heard Zoë walk down the hallway he switched back to the serious look on his face.

“Hi.” Zoë said, but Senne gave no reply and simply walked by the two of them through the apartment. As soon as he got to the room he and Zoë previously shared he lifted a suitcase from under the bed and started packing.

Milan watched him start off, and then heard Zoë’s soft cries coming from the living room so he walked over there to find her clutching onto the pillow. Milan couldn’t help but think the pillow should’ve been Senne instead.

“So this is really happening?” he asked , sitting beside her and wrapping his arm around her shoulder. Zoë just nodded, in between short sobs. Milan understood enough. He understood that she had taken a decision because she felt like something needed to change. He just didn’t feel like this decision was the right one .

Of course Senne wasn’t helping at this point. He had seen him try to do everything in his power to handle the pressure their entire relationship was under. But while Zoë eventually pulled the plug on their relationship , Senne was making this messy by behaving this way now .

Milan sighed . Could there literally not be one week to go by where he didn’t have to deal with couples in the apartment breaking up. And during the holiday season too.

“Need some help?” Milan asked fifteen minutes later, when Senne was zipping up one suitcase and throwing a weekend bag over his shoulder. Senne looked up, shook his head and moved towards the door to their room. He stopped, however, when he passed by Milan.

“Just... be there for her. Keep an eye out, okay? I don’t want to see her hurt.”

Milan could see in his eyes that he meant it. That he wanted Zoë to be okay.

“Neither one of you should be hurting ...” Milan said, before giving Senne a hug and effectively taking the weekend bag off his shoulder, carrying it to the door himself.

“I will keep an eye out. Promised. ” Milan said as they closed the door of Senne’s tesla a nd Senne started the car. Senne gave him a meaningful nod. Then he braced himself behind the wheel of his car, and he drove off.


	5. Monday – 23/12/2019 - 15.17

Robbe hesitantly handed his rapport card over to his dad, sitting in a cozy coffee place Zoë had recommended. 

Peter read through the entire sheet in careful detail, while Robbe observed his facial features. The expected frowns came when his dad saw the grades for French and history. But then, a smile actually appeared, much to Robbe’s surprise. 

“Really good for biology, son. Seems like you really go the hang of that. And eh, these grades for economics, is that with the group project thing included?” Peter asked. 

Robbe blinked a few times, then shook his head. “Eh no. Or... a part of it. We had to write a report which is part of this grade, but we have to do a final presentation for the next trimester.” Robbe explained. “I got some help from Yasmina. A girl in my class. She really has a clear way of explaining things.” 

Robbe folded his hands, expecting the rest of their conversation to go by a bit less positive. But his dad just closed the folder, and took a sip from his coffee. “Your mom will be happy with this.” 

Peter then grabbed a pen from his coat pocket, and signed at the bottom of the page. 

Robbe wanted to say “That’s it?” but he stopped himself just in time. Still, he didn’t really know what to say instead. He had prepared a whole speech about the reason why his grades were the way they are. How he had experienced trouble sleeping. How he had been healing his bruises the weekend before one of his big french tests. How he had rather spent his time with his boyfriend than to study the year the french revolution began. 

Which was 1789. Ironically, that number stuck with him as one of the only things out of his entire history textbook. Everything else was information in his brain that had been overwritten by all the events from the last week. Like someone performed a ctrl+a on his brain and then replaced it with a love letter to Sander. His eyes, his smile. His stupid boots. 

Robbe was looking out of the window, lost in his thoughts enabled by the silence that had grown between them when his dad cleared his throat. 

“The other night... when we had planned to meet up at the restaurant. You seemed...” Peter took a breath, trying to form a sentence. Trying not to come across as a worried parent. Because that was not the relationship they had anymore. He knew that. He knew certain things would no longer be possible anymore once he moved away from his family. And Robbe gave him a look that confirmed just that. A look that said he was two seconds away from confronting his father with the hypocricy of asking if he was okay now. But still, Peter had to know. “Son, is everything okay? You seemed...” 

“Yeah.” Robbe cut in quickly. The last person he wanted to talk about regarding abandoning someone they loved, was his father. Not after what he had done to his mother and him. He then closed his eyes for a few moments, trying to push away the guilt that was trying to resurface about how he reacted that night. Then he opened his eyes again. 

“Yeah, everything is fine. I just... got some bad news. I needed to be alone for a bit.” 

“Oh...” Peter said, both his hands wrapping around his cup. “Bad news?” 

Robbe’s words were stuck in his mouth. Why did he care all of the sudden? Where was this involvement when it was his own wife that was ill. Robbe looked away, annoyed. “Does it matter? I don’t need to explain everything in my life to you anymore, dad.” 

It was in the past now anyways, and Robbe didn’t want to linger on all the things he could’ve done different that evening. He wanted to move forward. 

Sander’s words then echoed, from when they were returning from his parents house. 

“I am in love with you. And I wanna share that with everyone. People who care, and people who don’t care. Especially people who claim they have my best interest in mind. I want them to see you. See how happy you make me. See that there is nobody else that makes me happier than you do.” Sander had yelled then, as they were biking over the Mechelserbrug and he was running out of breath or he would have uttered more poetics. 

Robbe thought about those words. People who have your best interest in mind. Then, Robbe looked at his dad. Could he still be considered one of those people? Robbe had trouble reconsiling the man who left his family behind to move to Ghent with the man sitting in front of him. Askng about why he cancelled the dinner with them. 

But Sander was right. He knew that showing people love, was always a stronger message than showing them hate. He knew moving forward from the things that hurt them was the best thing to do sometimes. 

"But if you still wanna have that dinner?” Robbe said. “After new year’s, maybe you can book the restaurant again?” he suggested. 

Peter looked at him, trying to figure out if this was genuine of if this was a trap. But Robbe looked at him sincerely. “Well, your mom is returning home so I...” 

“Yeah, I want to have her there. All of us. Four people. Can you arrange that?” Robbe asked. He now realized that should have been his condition the first time around. Because this father-son moment could be done over coffee. But if his dad wanted a proper sit-down to know about Robbe’s life, then his mom and his boyfriend would be a part of that. All the way or no way. 

“Okay. Yeah, I can make a reservation somewhere in January.” he said as he pulled up his phone and started typing away. “And the fourth person is...” Peter said, only to be cut off by Robbe once again. 

“Sander. My boyfriend.” Robbe nodded. He smiled to himself while his dad was preoccupied on his phone. The word still felt surreal to say out loud. 

"Driesen, right?” his dad then said, snapping Robbe out of his thoughts. 

“What?” 

Peter looked up from his phone without moving his head, peaking over his glasses. “Oh. Yes. Your aunt. She eh, she follows you on that picturegram.” 

“You mean Instagram? 

“Yes. Well, that. Showed me a picture of the two of you. And then your cousin told me he is a bowie fan. Is he? Apparently it’s all over his.. Insta?” 

“Instagram.” Robbe repeated, still in confusion. His family had been social media stalking Sander? What kind of alternate universe was this? He wanted to check right there if his aunt was actually still following him. If she wasn’t one of those people who had suddenly, or “accidentally” unfollowed him because his picture with Sander wasn’t the type of content they wanted to see on their timeline. 

“So they... they did not care that he was...” 

“Oh they were surprised. Of course. I mean, they last saw you a year and a half ago. They don’t know what you’re up to. But I told them that they, nor I, have any right to judge you for who you love. After all, you were born in the 21st century and we should all get on board with the idea that these type of things are part of the world we live in. 

Robbe’s stomach twisted a bit at ‘these type of things’ and the carefully thought out phrasing of his words. He realized his dad must have prepared for what he was going to say when this topic came up. “Eh yeah. Exactly.” Robbe agreed. “Love is love.” 

Robbe then saw a notification on his phone and he quickly grabbed his phone to swipe it away. A small smile appeared again as he saw the picture of the locks, which seemed fitting to put as his lockscreen. It had been Sander’s idea of eternalizing their love, and Robbe had only agreed to it after Sander explained that the mural with his face would eventually be removed, but the lock could stay there forever. And how could Robbe object when his boyfriend basically pulled the ‘I comitted a crime for you’ card. 

“You’re going to the house tomorrow, right?” Peter then asked, snapping Robbe out of his daydream again, and Robbe nodded with an enthousiastic smile. “Yeah.” 

Peter nodded, knowing it was best for all of them if they didn’t try to force a whole family reunion out if it. “Maybe you should come to Ghent then? On Christmas day? I think the Christmas market will still be there.” Peter said, while trying to recall the event he saw for it on facebook. “Yeah, I think so.” 

“I eh... I will let you know. I haven’t sorted out my plans for Christmas Day yet. I might get together with some friends.” 

And okay, maybe that was a bit mean. Because aside from Zoë saying she would like to cook something, Robbe hadn’t exactly made any comittments yet. But he couldn’t agree to visiting his dad’s now. Not until he had seen his mom tomorrow. Until he knew how she was feeling being back home. And not until he had checked with Sander if he had any silly Sinterklaar-like traditions he wanted to uphold for Christmas Day. Cause Robbe wouldn’t admit it, but he loved all the effort Sander had put into the last tradition, and he wanted them to make more memories together. 

“Okay. Well, I gotta go now. It’s a bit of a drive back to Ghent. But I will call you about dinner then.” 

“Dad... Just use texting.” Robbe said after a deep sigh. Peter paused in the middle of putting on his coat. 

“Okay okay, I will be texting you. Kids these days.” 

Robbe wanted to explain that he wasn't a kid anymore, that he stopped being a kid the day his dad left and didn't come back home. That he had grown up, a lot, these last few months. But he didn't. Instead he allowed for his dad to rub through his hair like he was still nine years old. “Alright son. Until next time.” 

And then Robbe sat there by himself. The barista cleaned off his table, and he checked his phone to check on the notification he had swiped away. Seeing it was some likes on his recent insta, he smiled at his phone before putting it away. He then took his rapport card back and got up from his seat. 


	6. Monday– 23/12/2019 - 17.58

Robbe was across the street from his building when he pulled out his phone and started texting Sander.

[ You were right. He didn’t really care about the rapport card. He did mention the dinner thing, so I asked if we could reschedule that . Seemed important to him.]

Robbe checked, and saw that the pedestrian crossing light had jumped onto green. When he made it to the door, he saw Sander had replied.

[Okay]

Robbe frowned, reading back his own message and then quickly continuing to type more.

[Sorry, that wasn’t very clear. It would be the four of us. Us two and my parents. Is that okay?]

It took a good minute, but eventually Sander replied, to Robbe’s relief.

[Yes, of course. When?]

Robbe made his way into his building, then he put his phone to his ear . Yeah maybe his dad had a point about how calling was more effecient than texting.

“Hey.”

“Hey. So my dad said he’d let me know when. But it’s going to be after new year’s . But I just realized you have like, exams and stuff. So...”

The other end of the line was silent for a while. Then Sander sighed deeply.

“Yeah well, I’m behind on everything anyways so it won’t matter if I don’t work on it for another evening.”

Robbe frowned and entered the apartment, distantly hearing Milan sing along to Niels Destadsbaeter. Drowning out the horrible tunes, Robbe walked into his room and closed the door.

“Sander ... ”

“Yeah what? it’s true. I’m never going to be able to make up for it. You can’t just rush art the way you could write a 2000 word essay in one night.”

Robbe sat down on his bed and let his head fall against the wall behind him on purpose. Then he closed his eyes.

“Sander... You are good at what you do. You’ll get back on schedule . And can’t you like, explain to your teachers why you got behind in the first place ? I’m sure they’ll understa...”

“No Robbe, they won’t. People don’t... They don’t think like that when they find out it’s about a bipolar episode. They... they try to preserve themselves. If I e-mail my professor, he will probably reply saying I should unenroll.”

Robbe sighed and rubbed his face. Well he wouldn’t know . He had no clue about how college worked. How Sander had handle d his mental illness in the past. If it had ever made it unable for him to make a deadline before. Though hearing it now, Robbe thought, it seemed like Sander knew what would work in this scenario. And most importantly, what wouldn’t.

“Well, I mean ... Only you can decide if things are going the way they should or not . I’m just .. Trying to give you a little hope. That’s all.”

Sander sighed on the other end, and it sounded remorseful.

“Sorry. Sorry, I know you’re just trying to help. I shouldn’t take it out on you. Forgive me?”

“Nothing to forgive . Just say you’ll come to dinner with my parents.” Robbe chuckled.

“I’ll be there. Though if my hands are still black from the charcoal, they will have to look past that.”

“I’m sure you’ll charm your way in so they wouldn’t even notice.”

Sander laughed at the other end of the line, and Robbe’s lips formed the fondest smile. He liked hearing him laugh. It was one of his favorite sounds in the whole world.

“I have to go, try to finish some more work.” Sander then said. “But thanks for the invite.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“Love you too.”


	7. Tuesday – 24/12/2019 - 15.27

Zoë frowned when she opened the door, and ran a hand through her hair in confusion. “Did I forget we were meeting uptoday?”

"No.” Yasmina said as she walked into the apartment once Zoë opened the door further . She took a moment to observe the exhaustion in her friend’s eyes, and the lack of fashion that made her otherwise admire Zoë’s sense of style. “I just felt like going for a walk. And when I passed by, I figured everyone else would be busy with Christmas preparations so I decided to stop by.”

Zoë couldn’t help but recognize that the apartment was empty for tonight, as if it was hitting her for the first time today that she was gonna be alone until possibly tomorrow. Then again, she herself had convinced Milan earlier this morning that she didn’t need a babysit, so he had left to go spend the evening with his family before noon. And Robbe had left fifteen minutes ago, cursing that he still needed to get his mom flowers.

“Like the decorations by the way.” Yasmina said , moving along through the apartment, pausing in front of the Christmas tree.

Zoë leaned against the doorframe to the living room. With all the boys in the apartment, and their horrible habbit to break stuff like the toilet roll holder, it was a miracle that their tree had not yet been ruined and that most of their decorations were still complete up until t was actually christmas eve.

“Yeah, it is cozy like this.” she said. “Do you want some tea?” Zoë offered.

Yasmina nodded. “Do you have that cinnamon tea from last time?”

“I think so.” Zoë replied, and then she dissappeared in the kitchen.

Yasmina observed the couch, and the way the pillows were arranged as a comfortable nook , a box of tissues on the shelves nearby and the tv paused in the middle of a netflix christmas movie.

Yasmina sighed, taking a seat on the couch and checking her phone to read a text from her mom. She replied saying she would be home before dark, and then switched over to instagram once she checked that Zoë wasn’t yet on her way back from the kitchen.

She sighed as she opened Zoë’s account, and scrolled down a bit to find what she was looking for. The pictures from this fall. The genuine smiles of her and Senne, the lovely captions. Looking around now, Yasmina noticed there were two empty picture frames on the bookshelf.

Zoë appeared back in the living room with two cups of boiling water and two bags of tea. She put them down on the coffee table and started preparing her own one . “I know you like to do it yourself.” Zoë smiled.

Yasmina nodded, and soaked the teabag before she turned to Zoë, figuring for once she could let the tea just sit for a while.

“Zoë. What’s going on? You know you can talk to me, right?”

Zoë, unphased, looked down at her tea and then pulled the mug in her hands, before looking up at Yasmina. Her look was judging . Partially because Zoë didn’t like the ambush, and because Yasmina had refreshingly been the one who didn’t get invested in their relationship drama.

“I know ... I know you guys broke up. And I know you’re hurting. I just ... I wanna check and see if there’s anything I can do.”Yasmnasaid.

Yasmina then looked behind her at the Christmas tree, and checked the clock . “It’s Christmas Eve, Zoë. For us, that’s a night of connection and being together. It’s about light, and warmth.” Yasmina explained . “ And while it’s not a religious holiday for us , any good muslim does what they can to support their friends.”

Yasmina then moved a bit closer and reached out to Zoë’s hand. “Especially when they’re heartbroken.”

Zoë looked at Yasmina and took the hand she was reaching out. She looked up, trying not to blink but she failed and one of the tears she was trying to hold in broke free, rolling over her cheek . Her resolve broken , Zoë shook her head and put her mug down onthetableagain.

“I just ...” she started, but she got frustrated with herself when she could feel the words stuck in her throat. The same thing had happened when she had seen the worried looks from her roommate. She just gave them a quiet sign, indicating ‘ not yet ’.

She couldn’t help but admit that Yasmina’s words dug deeper than the usual “ everything okay” or “ can I do anything ?” that the boys had given her these last couple of days . Or the silent movement of Robbe’s hand on her shoulder when he could probably tell she had been crying while preparing dinner.

“I.. I can’t talk about it yet. It’s too much, okay?” Zoe said , more tears falling and unable to prevent her face from shaping into an ugly cry . “It just hurts too much ...” she saidinbetween sobbing gasps .

And Yasmina understood. Knowing Zoë wasn’t ready to talk about it was more than not knowing how she was feeling at all. So for now , Yasmina just leaned in closer and allowed Zoë to rest her head on her shoulder in an embrace.

They didn’t have to talk about it now. Yasmina just held Zoë as she let the sadness out, and tried to make sure she knew she was there for her whenever she felt like she could talk about it.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Zoë sniffed her nose and looked up at her friend again with the softest smile. She was thankful for that moment. But she also didn’t want to dwell on it much longer. And Yasmina realized right away that it was time to move on from the subject.

“So my brother has this thing about our tree.” Yasmina said , then turning towards the flatshare Christmas tree. “ Where he insists it’s taller than him. And so this year, we had to find a tree that was 1.90m high. It’sridiculous, right?”

Zoë guffawed and shook her head in disbelief. “I didn’t even know you had a tree.” she said, yet grateful that this anekdote made her laugh so spontaneously. She wasn’t even sure why, either.

Yasmina knew she would have to explain this one. But she brought on the topic as a change of subject herself, so it was fair enough.

“Yeah. Ever since I was really little . It’s nice, to have one. Lots of families in our community do it these last few years . I mean, Christmas is all around us , in school and at work . My parents wanted us to take part in the tradition of being together. Even my aunt is on board, saying that Jesus is the Messiah and celebrating the birth of the Messiah could be festive .”

Zoë’s laughter died down a bit,and now seemed intruiged, and Yasmina tilted her head.

“Speaking off, I should get back home now . My mom needs some help, and I promised I wouldn’t stay out too long.” Yasmina explained. She wished she could stay, though. Especially knowing that when she left, Zoë would be alone and she wasn’t sure if that would make things better or worse . And if it was worse , she wasn’t sure if her visit was even such a good idea at all.

“Oh, yeah, of course. Don’t worry about me.I’m eh...”

Zoë looked up at the clock , recalling she and Senne had made plans to stay in for Christmas dinner but with Zoë agreeing to Senne’s suggestion of having a catered menu. So neither of them would have to waste time in the kitchen all evening. Yet now, Zoë had no plan and would have to figure something out last minute.

“I think I will just put something in the microwave and go to bed early . But thank you, for stopping by.” Zoë smiled. She then walked back to the front door with Yasmina.

“Merry Christmas Zoë.” Yasmina said as they gave each other a goodbye hug.

“Merry Christmas.” Zoë waved before she closed the door again and returned to the embrace of silence in the flatshare.

Just her, some comfortable sweatpants and some quick food in her stomach would do the trick in order to fall asleep and skip ahead to the nextday.


	8. Tuesday – 24/12/2019 - 16.32

Ringing the doorbell to his old house felt both weird and the best thing to do, Robbe concluded . His mom had invited him over for Christmas dinner and while he still had his own key , he was more of a guest tonight so barging in seemed odd . 

When the door opened , he saw his mom’s face light up and her warm smile greeted him . He couldn’t help but smile himselfand he then remembered he had flowers in his hand, which he handed over. “For you .” 

“Oh my sweet boy. Thank you so much .” Ilse said , admiring the flowers . She then saw the pricetag on it , and when Robbe realized it his face blushed in shame . He was thankful that his mom didn’t pay any more attention to it , and then moved to open the door further , urging her son to walk inside and get out of the cold. 

“ Hold on.” his mom then said , before she instructed him to take off his coat while she went to grab a vase for the flowers . When she returned she was in the middle of explaining the flowers belonged on the dining room table when she stopped abruptly. 

Naturally , Robbe turned towards her from where he was standing, and when he noticed his mom had tears in her eyes he quickly moved over to her. “Mom? Mom, what’s going on?” 

Ilse shook her head and tried to contain the tears , but when she realized she couldn’t she just held out her arms. Robbe smiled softly and then leaned in for the embrace she was offering. The crushing type that only mom’s give . The ‘ you are my child and I’m glad you’re here’ type. 

Robbe missed these. He never fully realized how much he did until a few weeks ago when she hugged him at the hospital and apologized for making his life so difficult at such a young age . It was the first time in a long few months he had felt like a kid again . 

“I just ... You seem to grown . Last time I saw you in this house you were so...” 

The words failed her to describe the feeling, and she just settled for embracing him a bit tighter . And Robbe felt it too . Felt the multitude of words that could finish off that sentence . Last time he was in this house he was so young . Childish . Pretending . Numb . A lot of words , that would no longer described who he was anymore . He understood that despite visiting her, this was potentially the most confronting moment. For both ofthem. 

Robbe then broke the embrace and looked around the house, before Ilse started explaining to him that she got some excellent food, several of Robbe’s favorites , and how shehadn’thadmuchtimetocleanthehousesincesheonlygothomenotlongagobutshedidher besttomakeitlookfestive. 

“ Sit . I got us a small shrimp salad as an entree so I will serve that soon . But first...” She said as she quickly dashed into the kitchen to graba glass of orange juice and a glass of golden bubble liquid – champagne? “Here you go.” 

Robbe reached out for the glass of orange juice , but to his surprise his mom handed him the champagne. “ You’re 16 now sweetheart . The orange juice is for me. I don’t wanna mix alcohol with my meds and all.” Ilsesmiled. 

Robbe nodded in understanding and then grabbed the bottom of the glas champagne, like he had seen people do in movies . But he had never seen them make the face of disgust he was currently making. Although in his defence , he was trying to be politewithalittlesmile. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Right, you would probably prefer beer or something right? Let me getsome.” Ilsesaid. 

“No no ... Actually I tought ... Maybe some orange juice ? If it’s without the pulp init?” 

Ilse smiled in adoration and walked over to her son , pincing his cheek . “ That’s the one thing you’ve always been fussy about . The pulp in orange juice and the consistencyofmysoup.” 

Robbe smiled innocently , and then watched Ilse grab another glass from the kitchen. 

Robbe then bit his lip and took in the surrounding . There was a suitcase in the corner that his mom probably hadn’t managed to get up the attic stairs yet . The garden was overgrown but then again it was wintertime so who cared . But the place was not that different from how he remembered . All their family pictures were still there , and the scratch on the wooden floor from when they moved the piano out. 

It was weird how it felt like time had stood still in this house for the last few months . But now here they were , breating life in it again and ready to make a new start. A fresh beginning . 

“Entree is served .” his mother then sing-songed , and Robbe got up to sit at the table where he lifted his glass into the air. 

“Merry Christmas mom.” he said , a bit cordially , but he felt like the occasion required some formality . After all , his dad would usually be the one to give the official green light to start eating . Robbe concluded he was now the ‘man of the house’, and the food looked delicious , so with an encouraging smile to his mom, hedugintothefood. 

Ilse broke the sound of cutlery hitting the plates by telling Robbe about the continuation of her therapy with sessions three times a week, and how she was glad to be home. When she asked if he felt happy too , Robbe assured her that he did . They then agreed that he would give his mom a few days to get the house sorted again , before he would move back home. 

Midwaythroughthemaincourse herealizedheshould’vepacedhimself, and as he cleaned off his plate . and his mom announced desert , Robbe decided he needed a break on the couch before he could tolerate any more food. 

His mom seemed more than happy to give him a few minutes to himself , and she dissappeared into the kitchen with the dishes so Robbe had a moment to think . He briefly considered grabbing his phone from his coat pocket, but he knew that he would only get distracted if he did that so he just allowed himself to lean into the couch and look up at the ceiling insilencefora moment. 

He had found himself in this position often as of late, and he closed his eyes as his inner turmoil got brought to the forefront of his conciousness . A lingering feeling of adjustment , a correction on his thinking and the way his entire world had been turned upside down recently , could still be felt through the waves of his mind. But he knew that the worst was behind him now . He knew that the road ahead was one ofacceptance. Of love. Of family. 

Robbe hadn’t noticed when his mom had returned to the living room, until he felt the couch dip next to him . He got up, fixingtheshirt Zoë hadkindlyironedforhimandhelookedat herwithasmile. 

“Here, brought you another glass .” Ilse said as she put more orange juice down. Robbe knew it was her way of trying to restore the care he had to miss out on from her end the last few months , so he took it gladly. 

Once he took a sip, he took a deep breath and turned to look at her, his face a bit more serious now . 

“Mom, when I texted you on Friday... You said you would always love me, right?” 

Ilse looked up from her folded hands in her lap. “Of course, my boy.” she said , reaching out to brush through his hair in a very maternal way. Then , she swallowed and Robbe could tell she was looking for her words . 

“ You are my son and I will love you regardless of who you love.” she then said , looking him in the eye to assure him she meant what she said. “Although....” 

Robbe put a reassuring hand on hers . If there was anything he had learned , it was that it was better for people to say how they felt . So far, it had all turned okay. 

“ **Mama** ...” 

“ Sweetheart , I just don’t know a lot about these type of things . I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot and I’m trying to catch up and try to figure out how I can be the best support to you . Because I do support you , son . You have my full support, and Iwouldneverjudge.” 

Robbe looked at her and smiled softly , but quickly the smile dissappeared . He sighed , and the relief just flowed out of him in the form of tears , and Ilse was quick to wrap her arm around her son and pull him close to her chest . 

Though Robbe tried to regain himself quickly , his mom wouldn’t let him as she continued to hold him until she felt he was ready. She then put her hands on both sides of his face,andsmiled. 

“I may have been unwell , and there is still a long road ahead . But your happiness has been the most important thing for me since the day you were born, over 16 years ago . And I don’t know if your dad or anyone else would tell you differently , but you deserve everything the world has to offer. And I’m sorryifIhaven’talwaysmadethatpossible.” 

In this current position , Robbe couldn’t do more than simply nod , and when she let go of him he ruffled his hands through his hair. He looked aside , then he stretched his hands, and then hejuststartedtalking. 

“I know things were difficult for you too . When dad left . And you ... you can’t help it. It’s not your fault , mom. I don’t blame you for having a mentall illness . And dad he... he seems to be coming around a bit. I think he knows leaving caused us hurt . And when he agreed to letting me live with my friends for a while , I think it’s cause he understood that the bond was just not how it was before . Though he does support me.” Robbe said , then looking up and nodding . “ He’s okay with it. He... he even told his family they just have to deal with it and accept me for who I am . So he is not the one being an ass aboutallofthis.” 

His mind was unavoidedly brought back to that night , and the alley , and he could feel the spot where the bruising on his ribs had been healing for weeks. It took a lot of willpower to force the memory back, but it got easier the more he pulled happier memories to the surface . Singing Sinterklaas songs. The party last friday . The comforting hug from Milan after he told him what happened . 

“But you didn’t have to go through it all alone , right? You had your friends .Your...boyfriend?” Ilsesaid. 

Robbe looked up, his face lit up at hearing the words boyfriend , and he nodded while making the subconcious gesture to touch the necklacearoundhisneck. 

“Yeah. Sander. He’s ... he’s great.” Robbebeamed. “Morethangreat. He isjust...” 

Robbe laughed to himself , then made an explosion gesture that caused his mom to chuckle too . “ He’s everything.” 

Ilse nodded , then tilting her head . “ And how did you two meet?” 

Shegenuinely seemed to want to know . Ready for the whole play-by-play , the good and the bad. 

“He actually dated Britt. A girl from school, I may have mentioned her. And then we hung out over fall break and got to know each other . Right away there was some kind of chemistry but we both were dating other people so it was complicated . It was all so confusing in my head cause I didn’t want to like boys.” Robbe said , his words dying in hismouth. 

Now , looking back at it he wasn’t sure why he felt so strongly about that notion . Admittedly , neither of his parents had ever talked to him about this type of things , but they hadn’t expressed any dissapproval which was evident inthewaytheybothsupportedhim. 

But growing up he did spend a lot of time trying to fit in. He spent a lot of time trying to be as normal as possible , blending in as to not draw too much attention to himself . Closing himself off from the fighting between his mom and dad , sitting on the staircase at family dinners and hearing his grandfather preaching about the way the youth was being brainwashed. 

It doesn’t take much to influence the mind of a child , Robbe concluded . He didn’t know any better than to think that liking boys was not normal . And even in the society of today , where the community he belonged to wasnormalizedas much as possible , people like the guys in the alley still existed . 

Robbe continued to tell the story of the last two months of his life and how he pushed through what he had made himself believe in order to be normal . It was enough to tie them over until they took their seats at the table again and talked through dessert. 

They continued to talk and catch up while he helped her load the final dishes into the dishwasher , when he peaked backintotheliving room. 

“Mom, I know you haven’t been home too long but... why don’t you have a Christmas tree?” 

Ilse looked up from the dishwasher – she had a certain way of arranging all the forks , knives and spoons together , and then sighed . “Well cause I can’t carry the damn thing from the attic .” she complained . “It’s too big. Your father used to dothat.” 

Robbe looked at her and recalled , before he rolled up his sleeves and walked to the hall. “ Can this go up?” he asked ,liftingthesuitcasebyitshandle. 

“Eh, yes. But Robbe, are you sure ? It’s very heavyand...” 

“ Mom.. ” Robbe said , already on the first floor stairwell . 

Twenty minutes later and a lot of panting – not only did he have to take the tree down but also the decorations , Robbe put the treeintoitsplaceandthenleanedback. 

“ You can do the decorating .” he said out of breath , and Ilse laughed , opening the box of decorations and then deciding against it. “I can’t . It’s family tradition we do it together .” she said as she looked at the bare tree. It was older than the boy who had carried it down on his shoulder , and it was also not a one -man task to decorate the whole thing . 

It was past 11PM by the time they were finished , and Robbe realized he was soaked in sweat and he still had the bikeride back to the apartment awaiting him . 

“I think I should go. I’m honestly tired after all the good food and putting this together .” he said , gesturing at the tree. “Time I makemyway back.” 

Ilse looked at him and helped him with his coat, and throughout it Robbe could tell she wanted to offer him to stay . But they both knew that tonight wasn’t the right time for that , and other things neededtobesortedout first. “Thanksfordinner tonight mom. It was really lovely .” 

“ Thanks for your help with the tree. And I will see you next weekthen?” 

“Next week. I’ll call you before , to sort everything out” Robbe replied , and then he stepped outside . He waved before walking back to his bike with the brightest smile on his face,wheregrabbedhis phone to shine some light on his bike lock . But to his surprise the expected struggle didn’t come , and the lock opened swiftly with one click. That was new. 

He then hopped onto his bike but before taking off he checked through his notifications once more. A sweet tekst send him off into the night: 

[Veel plezier vanavond! Ik zou niet weten wat ik de afgelopen week zonder u had moeten doen. Ik zie u zo graag. In dit universum, en in elk ander universum. Fijne kerst!] 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I included a little easter egg for the flemish people here, but I guess anyone can use google translate so :)


	9. Wednesday – 25/12/2019 - 14.12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a very personal one for me, so if you like this chapter and what I've written so far feel free to leave a comment or kudos.

“ And what about you, Jana? How is school going?” 

Jana looked up at her aunt Hilde, who had spent the majority of the afternoon getting herself involved in everyone’s business. Despite the fact that she knew her aunt only asked to brag about her own son’s accomplishments, Jana smiled politely. “ Good, I think. Yeah, it’s okay.” 

“ She got really good grades on English. Watching all those tv shows really paid off in the end.” Jana’s mom said with a smile, while sipping her coffee. 

It was the main reason why Jana was here. To see her mom. To see her without a meeting coming in between them, or without her constantly checking the clock because she had a flight to catch and they couldn’t get wrapped up in a long conversation. 

It was Christmas Day, one of the few days in the year that her mom had a scheduled, uninterrupted day off, where she otherwise worked in a grey zone of being on call the entire time. 

The fact that they had to spend it with the Ackermans family in her grandmother’s house, was something she just had to deal with. And she had been dealing with these type of family gatherings for years now. She had gotten used to the subjects and conversations she could expect. She had created some coping mechanisms to get through the day. But it still didn’t make it any easier. None of the special days in the year got any easier. 

At her grandmother’s house the hallways still had childhood pictures of her dad with his siblings framed. And her grandmother made a point of mentioning every year how she looked so much like her dad. Every year that wound got ripped open just a little bit more, after she spent so much time healing it day by day. 

But she swallowed it down and smiled as her mom grabbed some of the biscuits and laughed about family anecdotes and holiday memories. Jana shared some of those memories too. She laughed at the ones she knew about, and listened closely when they would tell a new one. 

At around 5PM they headed out, despite protest from her grandmother that they should all stay and have dinner together. But everyone in the family knew that at age 82, the strain of cooking for 20 people was just too much. 

Jana waved at her aunts and cousins, and then she and her mom got in the car to drive back home. A car ride that was spent in silence, as it usually was. Jana’s mom simply grabbed her hand and gave it a soft squeeze while they were in front of a red light. Almost as if without words she was saying ‘we made it through another year’ 

That night they ordered pizza, a Christmas day tradition. It was years ago when they first started doing this out of necessity, since her dad had managed to break the oven and they had nothing left to cook their family meal with. That was their final Christmas day together. Now it was just the two of them, sitting on the couch watching ’The Sound of Music’. 

“Mom?” Jana asked, when the movie was about half-way through. Her mom hummed in reply. 

“ When I go to college, will you sell the house?” 

Jana’s mom blinked and frowned, looking at her 16 year old daughter. College? Selling the house? Where was all of this coming from. 

“Jana, sweetheart, why are you asking me that ? No, I... I don’t think I’m going to be selling the house. I thought you’d want to study in Antwerp?” 

Jana shrugged, eyes on the movie. “I don’t know. There’s other options besides Antwerp. And with you having to got to Brussels all the time, maybe...” 

“Jana.” her mom cut in, determined to get the notion out of her daughter’s head that she would take such a big decision out of convenience to herself. “Your dad and I bought this house when you were 6. Our family has so many memories in this house. You going to college or me being at work in another city doesn’t change anything about the fact that this is our home. And right now, I’m not considering selling it any time soon.” 

And with that she pulled her daughter in a bit closer, a hug shared between them as they continued watching their movie together. And just for tonight, Jana could sleep easy knowing that the good type of memories were still safe. Not the ones that she was bombarded with at family dinners. But the happy ones that would occasionally pop up. Like her and her dad setting up the trampoline in the backyard. Or that time Jana got to ring the doorbell a dozen times to help her dad figure out which wire caused it notthework. 

Those were the memories she tried to remember. The one that were hers, more than they were other people’s. The one that counted on every other day of the year, and not just the holidays. 


	10. Wednesday – 25/12/2019 - 17.56

“ Holy shit. Are your friends coming over for dinner Zoë?” Milan asked when he walked into the room. There was food on every horizontal surface in the kitchen and he wasnt one to complain, but if the girls were visiting he wished he’d known about it. Last he checked, Zoë told him she didn’t have any plans for the day. 

“Eh no. Just us three.” Zoë replied. She turned around when Milan stood there in silent shock, and she laughed at the look on his face. ”It’s something my family used to do. Kind of the one time we would all sit around the same table and have a meal together. Norwegians are big on Chrismas. They call it ‘Jul’.” Zoë explained. 

Milan then moved through the kitchen and took a seat at the table, looking in between Zoë and the food. “Yeah but Zoë, you’re an only child, right? This is food for at least 5 people. Are you sure there’s nobody else joining ?” 

Zoë looked over her shoulder, then frowning. “Eh no. Unless Sander is here, but I haven’t seen him?” 

“I saw Robbe in the hall earlier. But no Sander.” Milan confirmed. He then took in the sight of the food, and his hunger was doubled right away when he saw all the little side dishes he wanted to try. 

“Oh, right. Have you... Did you ask him yet ?” Zoë then said, lowering the volume of her voice a bit. 

Milan’s excitement then faded, at the prospect of having to have this conversation. And by the looks of Zoë, she wanted to have it tonight. He shook his head and sighed. “No. I haven’t asked how it went.” 

“Well then you should go and get him, because I just need to rinse these beans and then we’re ready to eat.” Zoë said, grabbing the strainer from the counter. “Tonight, Milan.” 

And so Milan did as instructed and got Robbe to sit down and eat, even though the boy was complaining that he had already stuffed himself on pancakes for brunch earlier today. 

“Brunch?” Zoë asked. Robbe nodded, while trying to clear his mouth. “Went to Ghent. My dad insisted on making pancakes.” 

“How nice is it that you both have these family traditions that include food on Christmas day. Of course it’s double nice when I get to enjoy some of it too. Did you not have any leftover pancakes to bring, Robbe?” 

Zoë looked annoyed at Milan. “Milan, seriously ?” 

“ What ?” Milan said in his most innocent, high-pitched voice. 

Zoë and Robbe started laughing simultaneously, and Zoë told Robbe about how this type of behaviour was what she had been dealing with since March. Then the perfect segway came to mind, and Zoë signaled Milan who signalled back that they shouldn’t ruin the nice moment. But Zoë cleared her throat anyways, knewing they had to get this over with. 

“But I guess you won’t have to deal with Milan’s food stealing for much longer? Did you have a good talk with your mom?” 

Robbe looked up from his food and froze a bit, having both their eyes on him all of the sudden. He had almost forgotten he promised to let them know once he figured stuff out in regards to when he would leave the flatshare. 

He was still looking down at his plate, when he took a deep breath. “Well, ehm... Yeah. I mean... She still needs some time to like, settle back in and get used to a routine. But by the time school starts again, I could move back there.” he said, then finally looking up. 

Seeing their faces and the way they tried to not look too dissappointed was heartbreaking. Robbe put down his knife and fork and sighed deeply. “ I’m sorry guys.” 

“ You don’t have to apologize, Robbe.” Milan said, though the smile he gave Robbe was a little bit faint. 

“It’s good that you can go home again.” Zoë said, while she squeezed Robbe’s shoulder. It was more out of comfort for herself, than for him. 

“ And that your mom is doing better.” Milan added. “ That’s... that’s great too. We’re happy for that.” 

Robbe nodded, then rubbing his hands over his face a bit. “Yeah... yeah I know that. But I also feel like... I mean, you guys have done so much for me. Me being able to stay here. I wouldn’t have been able to do half the things I did if it wasn’t for you guys. I want you to know I do appreciate that a lot.” 

He tried to make sure his words came across as genuine as possible, because he truly meant it all. 

Milan smiled happily. “ You’re so welcome my little gay in training.” 

To that Robbe smiled proudly, saying he might be ready to graduate soon, but Milan assured him there were still plenty of things to learn and for as long as Robbe was still living with them, Milan would try to introduce him to as much as possible. 

And that is how they all found themselves on the couch watching RuPaul’s dragrace, and as Robbe took in the laughter from the other couch, he couldn’t help but feel like he would miss his roommates terribly. His home away from home. His family. 


	11. Thursday - 26/12/2019 - 13.12

“ That will be 26.29. Cash or card?” the lady at Academia asked. It brought Sander back from the wormhole his mind had slipped into , and he blinked back into focus. 

“ The roundup.... cash or card?” the lady repeated. Right, new law. “ Card.” Sander replied. He then took out his wallet to pay and grabbed the new box of charcoal and the other materials he needed. 

As he walked outside he tucked the materials away and as he got on his bike he tried to figure out where to go next. He closed his eyes in a frown when his urgent list of to do’s jumped to the front of his mind again. He knew he should head home to work on his projects a bit more before meeting up with his boyfriend. He knew. He was aware that he had so much stuff to do before the exams started and he was terribly behind. 

Sander then looked down at his hands, clenching the stearing wheel of his bike. He felt the way the muscles in his shoulders were tense , and he was exhausted just thinking about the bikeride. And when the voice inside his head told him he had been lazy and wasting so much time, he knew he had to get out of the public space. 

The last thing he needed was to freak out the people around him with his heavy breathing and his eyes squeezed shut while he was reminded of how much he dissappointed everyone who believed in his studies when he chose art last year. 

Fuck. 

Sander opened his eyes again and ran his hand through his hair. Then , before he even realized it , he was moving. His legs were kicking down on the pedals of his bike, right after left after right. The cold wind in the streets of Antwerp caught onto his face and he was hit with it even more when he arrived by the waterside. 

Last time he was here, it was nighttime. 

With little regard for the fragile state his bike was already in, he threw it against one of the containers. Then he took some distance away from the wall before he turned around and looked at it in all it’s epic glory. 

He recalled Britt calling it crossing a line. He remembered her being concerned because this was actually a crime, vandalizing property. And how she yelled at him with the sketches of Robbe in her hand. But he had muted out her words. He had just been following the movements her hands made, concerned for the creasing she would cause in the paper. Worried he might have to redo them... 

He wouldn’t have to redo this though. Not that he would consider it. Because he believed no second attempt could justify this masterpiece. Robbe’s face framed in a heart with all the colors around it. Just like he intended. 

With a content smile on his face he hopped back on his bike, and as he drove by the _kaai_ he shot a quick thanks to his reckless self. Even if they took it down eventually , his love for Robbe was now eternalized in other ways. And his bravery for this type of public display had been rewarded , as Robbe was currently waiting for him at a cafe for lunch. 

After locking his bike upfront , Sander took a look inside until he saw Robbe at a window seat in the corner and he walked up to the window. 

He knocked on it , startling his boyfriend who then smiled adorably back at him and gestured him to come inside. 

Sander smiled but didn’t move inside as he readjusted his bag, to point up his index finger. Then blew air onto the window , and drew a heart framing Robbe’s face in it. Just like it was plastered on a big wall at the back of the Waagnatie building. 

And even if Robbe called him a cliché the rest of the afternoon , it was still worth it. 


	12. Friday - 27/12/2019 - 13.31

“Fuck guys, sorry I’m late. I really hate these days between new years and Christmas, they’re so confusing and I totally forgot it was Friday.” Aaron said while catching his breath after running towards them. 

“Aaron, we’ve been waiting for you for 20 minutes. You said you wanted to join the channel, but then you have to show up.” Moyo replied, ticking his wrist which coincidentally also displayed his new watch. 

“Oh nice man!” Jens commented, and Moyo showed off his christmas present before adding he also got PJ’s and a new phone cover. 

“I actually got something too.” Aaron then said, seeing it as the perfect segway into elaborating the next phase of his and Amber’s... well... it couldn’t be called a relationship yet. But it was something. 

“Seriously? You finally fucked her?” Moyo said in disbelief. 

This grounded Aaron a bit in his pride. No fucking had occured. Was it that weird he was excited for another kiss? 

“No. We just... you know, kissed. Went to the movies, and during the Anna and Kristoff scene we kissed.” 

“Wow wow wow wow...” Moyo said, stopping them in their tracks. “Hold up. You’re saying you didn’t fuck Amber but you went to see... Frozen?” he laughed. “Like, the kids movie?” 

“What? I saw the first one too? Why is that so weird?” Aaron exclaimed. 

“Dude, not even Lotte wants to see Frozen.” Jens chimed in, his face in a frown. “She is my eight year old sister but she says she is too big for it.” 

“Guys, it’s not that bad. Seriously. Hey, stop laughing, it’s just a movie...” 

“What’s going on?” Robbe then asked walking back into the room, the needed extension cord in his hand. 

“Aaron and Amber went to see Frozen II and they kissed.” Jens summarized. 

“And now he is justifying that as him ‘getting something’ somehow” Moyo added. 

Robbe then looked at Aaron and tried to contain his laughter, but a small grin did appear on his face despite his best efforts. 

However he regained his composure, clearing his throat as he tried his best to come across supportive when he said: “Well I can’t get Sander to go see the new star wars with me, so it’s good that you two got to see a movie together. Even if its, well....” 

“Let it goo! Let it goo!” Moyo cut in with theatrical movements. 

“Oh my god I think I’m regretting even saying anything.” Aaron said, then realizing his escape when he saw Robbe work on the camera. “But lets film, right. That’s what we’re here for.” 

“Yes, yes, okay let’s get started.” Jens agreed. 


	13. Friday 27/12/2019 - 20.37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note that this story has no official beta, aside from my best friend Harry reading some of the longer chapters for me. But if there's any errors that you come across, I apologize in advance because I'm trying to write as much as possible in a short amount of time while still trying to make it a good fic for you guys to enjoy. So just keep that in mind.

Robbe smiled when his dad confirmed the restaurant for next saturday and he added it to the calendar in his phone. He looked up when Milan walked into the kitchen, dressed for a night out. 

“Hey.” 

“Hi. Fair warning, Zoë is a bit in an emotional mood because she told her parents about the break-up. I’m going out tonight, but I figured I’d let you know.” 

“Oh. Yeah, okay.” Robbe said, nodding. He wasn’t entirely up to date on the whole situation with her parents, but he knew that it was a sensitive subject. And so was the subject of Senne De Smet. On top of that, Zoë had been filling every conversation silence with a fun and quirky anekdote so that there wouldn’t be a chance for someone to ask her how she was doing. 

So if he wanted to reach out and offer her some comfort, Robbe wasn’t even sure how he would do that. After all he had heard from Jana that Zoë didn’t talk to her either. 

“Thanks for the heads up.” 

“Welcome.” Milan said, before walking out with his drink again. Robbe recalled Milan asking him if he wanted to join him to ‘Het Roze Huis’, but when Sander offered to watch a movie together he had no choice but to choose his boyfriend over his gay guru. The only way he got Milan to stop being dissappointed was by promising he would go with him next time. 

Robbe then grabbed his phone and bit his lip, his thumbs hovering over the keys before he started typing. He concluded that neither going out with Milan or watching a movie with Sander was a good option today. The last thing he thought would help the situation at the flatshare was by him inviting his boyfriend and leaving Zoë by herself. 

[Is it okay if we reschedule movie night? Zoë is having a bit of a hard time so I wanted to keep her some company] 

Robbe looked up when the doorbell rang and Milan yelled that it was probably his friend coming to pick him up. Then he looked back down to his phone. 

Sander was typing... 

[Oh, that sucks. Yeah no problem. Ignore the doorbell then, that was me.] 

Suddenly, Robbe looked up and hurried himself to the door, ignoring Milan asking him what was going on and instantly putting the phone to his ear. The phone rang briefly before Sander picked up. 

“Yeah?” 

Robbe could hear the confusion in Sander’s voice through the phone. 

“Don’t go if you’re already here, silly.” Robbe said while descending the stairs to the best of his capability with no shoes on and with no regard to switching on the light in the hallway. 

Sander was silent on the other side of the line. “It’s okay if you wanna spend some time with your roommates before you move.” he said after a while. And Robbe knew Sander felt a bit guilty for crashing at the flatshare all week. Robbe had tried to make it clear that they didn’t mind. But since Robbe had announced his plans to move next sunday, Sander had tried to make sure he wasn’t the reason Robbe had to miss out on the final days with his roommates. 

Robbe sighed. Then he made it down the final stairs into the entry hall of their apartment and ended the call. “Sander.” he said in person. The silence from his part of the line had caused Sander to open the front door and be on his way out again. So Robbe took the final few steps until he was close enough. 

Sander turned around and the biggest sigh of relief escaped from his lips. He was still a bit hesitant, needing that final push to be certain that he wasn’t intruding on anything like Robbe’s message had originally suggested. Especially since he had stood at this door before and got it slammed in his face. 

Robbe seemed to know exactly what Sander was thinking and tilted his head. “ **Kom**.” he said, holding out a hand. 

“What about Zoë though?” 

Robbe smiled, because he came up with the perfect response to that question. 

“We’ll just have to watch a movie with Leonardo Dicaprio in it. Then she can join us, and it will make us both happy.” Robbe said while wrapping his arms around Sander’s neck with a lovesick smile on his face. He could make that work. He could spend time with both of them. 

“Leo, seriously? I don’t know Robbe...” Sander said teasingly, breaking free from Robbe’s arms. But he couldn’t hide the smile on his face either. And just like that he felt the anxiety leave his body, and the prospect of a fun night in which Robbe didn’t have to make any sacrifices for him made him more relaxed. 

“None of that teasing stuff tonight.” Robbe said as he pulled Sander closer again. “This time I’m the one who is holding you and not letting you go. And dragging you in to watch a movie.” 

And as Sander complied and they walked up the stairs, Robbe took pride in this small victory. 

He was still learning. Trying to spot things going in a bad direction and trying to prevent them instead of chernobyl letting them crash and burn. But he was working on that. Tonight wasn’t going to crash and burn. 

“Okay so, here’s the plan. We’re gonna watch a happy movie with Leonardo Dicaprio and Sander is going to hold back his comments and just enjoy the movie. Good idea?” Robbe said, adressing both Sander and Zoë when they got to the living room. 

Zoë put her phone down and noticed the way Robbe was still holding on to Sander’s hand from dragging him upstairs, and how Sander was dropping his stuff and making himself comfortable. She couldn’t possibly stay and be a buzzkill to their evening. 

“Guys, I don’t want to ruin your evening or like...” Zoë started. She was already packing up the used tissues and the fresh set of boxed tissues Milan had given her. 

“It’s okay.” Sander nodded in assurance, stepping in before Robbe could reply to her. As much as tonight was Robbe’s solution, Sander also wanted to make it his. He wanted to make sure Zoë knew he enjoyed her company, and was thankful for the time he got to spend at their home. “I promise I’ll make Robbe keep his hands to himself.” he said, while simultaneously pulling his boyfriend next to him on the couch. 

They almost melted together, and Robbe intertwined his left with Sander’s right hand as they sat in a comforable embrace. He would say something about Sander’s comment later on when they were alone. Because they both knew Robbe wasn’t always the one who couldn’t keep his hands to himself... 

Finally on board with the plan, Zoë opened her computer and opened the search function on netflix. 

“I actually have an idea. Since we have to prepare for the new year’s party. Can you see if the great gatsby is on there?” Sander said. He looked at Robbe and raised his eyebrows. “Don’t worry, it has Leo in it.” 


	14. Saturday 28/12/2019 - 9.12

Sometimes it was still so surreal, in moments like this, looking back at the chaos the last few months had been. 

At the beginning of the school year he had no boyfriend, no parents and no sleep schedule. Now he woke up in his boyfriend’s arms after a solid 9 hours of sleep and his mom was texting him a thumbs up on his latest rapport card. 

Robbe smiled when he felt a kiss on his shoulderblade, and Sander’s hand came to tilt the phone Robbe was holding a bit more in his direction. “See. Told you it would be okay.” Sander said with his soft morning voice against Robbe’s skin. Then he continued to press a few more kisses down on the skin directly available to him. 

Robbe put the phone down and sighed happily. “Yes. You were right.” 

Sander hummed and repositioned himself, his head resting on Robbe’s shoulder. Robbe began softly stroking his arm, enjoying the warmth of having another person next to him. He had only just gotten used to it, yet he could already tell he missed the weight on the bed and the warm morning cuddles whenever he didn’t wake up next to Sander in the morning. 

A few minutes must have gone by before Robbe realized Sander had fallen asleep again, and he smiled softly. He knew Sander liked it too. They hadn’t had the chance to wake up in Sander’s room, and Robbe hadn’t pushed about it either. Because this was the place where he grew. Where his feelings for this bleached hair blonde boy developed. And it was only right that they paid proper tribute to their own little sanctuary for now. 

And when Sander said he wanted to get an apartment together when Robbe started college, Robbe had kissed the exciting smile and told him ‘we will see’. Not because he had any doubts that they would still be together 19 months from now. But because what he told Sander last week on Monday was true. How they should take things day by day or hour by hour. They still had a lot of stuff to figure out, and that was more important than daydreaming about 2021. 

After a few more minutes of his eyes closed and enjoying the comfort of his bed, Robbe realized he wasn’t going to fall asleep anymore. Cautiously, as to not wake up Sander, he slipped out of the bed and he put on some clothes. Once he’d found his wallet, he quickly unplugged his phone from the charger and stepped out into the hallway, closing the door as silently as possible. 

“Morning!” Milan then chimed from behind him, and Robbe cursed under his breath before turning around, greeting Milan. “Milan. Hi.” 

“Why are you sneaking out of your own room?” Milan asked with raised curiosity. 

“I’m going to the bakery.” 

An approving grin appeared on Milan’s face, and Robbe ducked his head shyly. “Too cliché?” 

“Nothing cliché about a delicious breakfast from the person you love.” Milan said. Then Milan looked over his shoulder towards the living room, and Robbe rolled his eyes. 

“Yes, I’ll bring some for you and Zoë too.” he said before Milan could ask. Then he put on his coat and got out the door, opening maps to figure out which bakery he should go to. The closest five star rated one. Nothing less. 

He got back to the apartment 30 minutes later with two bags of croissants. He dropped one in the empty kitchen and then opened the fridge to pick up some cheese. He quickly grabbed a bar of chocolate from the shelf and found himself with his arms full in front of his bedroom door a few moments later. Fuck. He didn’t think this through. 

“Sander?” he said from outside the door. “Sander, wake up. Can you open the door please?” 

The other end of the door was silent until Robbe heard footsteps approaching and a sleepy Sander opened the door in confusion. 

Robbe then walked in and placed all the food on the table next to his bed, before doing a little “tada” gesture and beaming with pride. “Breakfast in bed.” 

Sander took a look in the bag and the haul from the fridge, before pressing a kiss to Robbe’s cheek. 

“Does this mean we’re just not gonna leave this room until we’ve eaten all this food? Because that could work for me...” Sander said. 

Robbe walked over to open the curtains a bit more so they could actually see the food they were about to eat. 

“I actually brought my sketchbook. I need to do a piece on detaileded features. Do you think you can help me with that?” Sander asked, before biting off a piece from the first croissant. 

Robbe looked at him and cut open one of the croissants to add cheese to his. Maybe it was a but unorthodox, but he liked it that way. “You mean like, model for you?” 

Sander nodded, emptying his mouth before he replied. “Can’t draw myself. And I could try from memory but having the real thing to work with is always easier.” he explained. He then reached for Robbe’s hand, and studied it for a moment. Apparently, he had already made up his mind about which feature he wanted to draw. 

“So, will you do it?” Sander asked, looking up. 

Robbe raised an eyebrow and looked at his own hand, concluding that if Sander thought it was worth making a detailed drawing of, who was he to contradict that. “Sure. Though I suppose I can’t play video games then?” 

Sander rolled his eyes, before shaking his head. “No Robbe, that’s not how it works. But we can play them afterwards? I don’t have to go back home until 6 anyways.” 

And the prospect of a whole day with his boyfriend, modelling his hand and playing videogames together was a delight to Robbe’s ears and it put a smile to his face. 

“We have a deal.” 


	15. Sunday 29/12/2019 - 10.01

Zoë knocked on the door and didn’t wait for a reply before walking in. Last time she did, she saw things she didn’t need to see in this very room. But right now, Robbe had texted her for some help so she figured she wouldn’t walk in on anything private. “Hey, I read your message. What’s up?” 

“Hey. Eh... Can you help me out a bit? I somehow have more stuff here than when I moved in so I need to pack it up properly in order for everything to fit.” Robbe said, before looking at her and seeing the look of confusion on her face. “Yeah well half of these shirts are Sander’s. And Jens dumped all his videogames on me because he had ‘outgrown’ them so...” 

Zoë nodded, rolling up the sleeves of her shirt and looking at the pile of clothes Robbe was gathering on the floor. “Do these need folding?” 

“Those I wanted to wash first. But I ran out of laundry stuff a while ago and -” 

“I noticed. How are you liking the lavender scent?” Zoë said with a wink. 

“Yeah, sorry about that. And, well, when I’m back home my mom will just do my laundry again but I don’t wanna show up with that whole pile because that seems a bit rude.” Robbe said, his words slowing down and Zoë could tell he was drifting off into the idea of how mom being around to take over some of these tasks again. So she walked up to him and put both hands on his shoulders, giving him a reassuring smile. 

“It’s okay. I can use a distraction and I’m going to do laundry this afternoon anyway. I will wash those things for you.” 

Robbe smiled thankfully, before moving over to the floor next to his bed. 

“And I have this stain here. It’s from like, soda or alcohol. Something spilled here and I thought i cleaned it up but it’s still a bit sticky.” 

“I think we have something in the kitchen that might work. The green bottle.” Zoë said, and Robbe dashed off to go grab the multicleaner. However when he returned, he was preoccupied with his phone, making the swiping movement to refresh a chat. 

“Robbe?” Zoë asked, while she took the multicleaner from his hands. He didn’t seem to notice when she did. That’s when she looked around and realized this was more than a teenage boy’s effort to get his life in order before he moved back to his parents house. This was a distraction for both of them. “What’s going on?” 

Robbe closed his eyes and shrugged his shoulders before slumping down on his bed. “Sander is talking to Britt today. Right now, actually.” Robbe said, holding up his phone. “And I can’t help but check to make sure that things don’t go wrong.” 

Zoë paused her movements and moved over to sit on the side of the bed, her hands folded in her lap. She could tell it was hard on him. And she gently rested her head on his shoulder which caused him to release some of the tension he was holding in. 

“They were together for a pretty long time, right? And... they didn’t end things mutually?” 

Zoë could only guess. She had asked Milan about it once she saw Noor at the Christmas party but not Britt. Milan and Zoë had both come to the conclusion that Robbe was on better terms with Noor than Sander was with Britt. 

“They used to be a couple. And from what I heard of it, Britt loved him. Which, I know might be hard to hear right now but I’m just saying it because I don’t it’s bad if they try to talk it out and get some closure. Right?” 

Robbe sighed deeply, shaking her off his shoulder and falling backwards onto the bed. “You have no idea Zoë. No idea of all the shit that transpired.” 

And he had a point. She didn’t. She had been able to provide some comfort when she could see it was specifically bad, but without Robbe opening up to her she had never understood the full scope of things. 

Something about the way the room felt made Robbe take a deep breath. He would leave soon. Leave this room, leave this apartment. Leave the comfort of having people like Zoë, Milan and Senne around who he, on different levels, could talk to and process the stuff that was going on in his life. 

In this room there were no layers to peel away. There was just raw, exposed emotion and they were all flooding back to him now. And if he was with the boys, or even the therapist he was in contact with, he would try to condense it all. And only let a small part of it escape. But now, Zoë was sitting at the edge of his bed and everything about her told him he could confide in her. 

“Where is everyone?” he then heard from the hall, and a few moments later he saw Milan walk in with a cheerful smile and a comment about how they were having a family gathering without him. 

It didn’t take long for Milan to sense the vibe in the room, thank god, and Robbe watched as Milan took a seat and exchanged a wordless conversation with Zoë. Like they had practised this. Mom and dad preparing to have a sit-down with their angsty teenage son so he could express some of his fears and concerns. 

“What are we talking about?” Milan then asked, while also taking in the state the room was currently in. 

“Sander and Britt.” Robbe announced. This made Milan lean back a bit, before nodding. 

“Okay... what about them?” 

“They’re meeting up right now. And Robbe is feeling a bit concerned.” Zoë explained. 

Robbe rubbed his hand through his hair and rose back up to a seating position. “And I have reason to, okay? Look, you guys... you don’t know the whole story.” 

And so Robbe started talking. 

“When I was not... out yet, I said stuff. Stupid stuff. And Sander forgave me for that and it wasn’t something that ended up being fatal to what we had. And even when those guys...” 

Robbe swayed his head back and forth, realizing Zoë wasn’t entirely aware of the assault either, and it would make matters more complicated and the last thing he wanted to do now was talk about that night in detail. 

Milan moved in his seat. Zoë was looking at them with a frown because his reaction seemed to be directly related to Robbe’s hesitation. “Later.” Milan said, waving his hand and moving Robbe along in his story. “So stuff happened before you were all happy and together. How does that circle back to them meeting up now?” 

Robbe was thankful for Milan getting him back on track and he nodded, putting both his hands flat against one another. “Well... After all the bad stuff, Sander went back to Britt. Even though they weren’t happy. He didn’t feel with her the way he felt with me. He told me that. But he still went back to her.” 

Zoë concluded she didn’t know this part of the story either. She didn’t know that there was more drama aside from Robbe and Sander both dating girls when they fell for each other. She assumed there was more to the story, but never pieced it together. And when Sander had an episode and Britt was there, she assumed that was because Sander wanted her too. 

“You’re saying you think Sander only went back to her because things between you got to difficult?” Milan summarized. 

Robbe didn’t answer, but the way he was looking at the pattern of his bedsheets in silence said a lot. 

“It’s not that... like... I know that’s over now. I know I can be that person for him and he told me he doesn’t need Britt anymore in his life.” 

And saying it out loud made his insecurities sound a bit weak. But he had never been in a relationship, and he never thought he would have been standing in one room with his boyfriend’s ex because they were both concerned about his mental health like he did last week. 

He felt like no matter what, Britt would always be waiting for him to fail so she could swoop back in and save Sander from him. 

“When he’s with her, it’s like he’s not happy but at least he is safe. And he has chosen safety over happiness before.” 

Zoë couldn’t help but flash back to the spring. The distance she begged of Senne, even thought it made her absolutely miserable to be away from him. She sighed and looked at Robbe. 

“Robbe... I know it might seem like that will always be an option because of how your relationship started. But we’ve all seen the opposite. We were here, when he was not well. You’re the one who was able to give him comfort, and make him feel safe. He chose to be here even when you were at school because he would rather stay in your bed surrounded by memories of you guys than go back to her...” Zoë said. 

“And I’m on team Robbe and Sander but Britt doesn’t seem like the evil type to wait around for you to fail. I mean, I know drama transpires at that school of yours but she will get that she has to move on, right?” Milan asked, looking at Zoë at the end because she had a more neutral perspective compared to Robbe’s whole runaway bride doomsday scenario. 

“I think Britt has good intentions. Maybe she can be a bit... one-track minded.” Zoë replied. 

Robbe cut in by pointing at Zoë. “Exactly. And that’s what scares me a bit. Because what if she decides it’s best for Sander to be with her. What if she convinces him to get back together. Or what if there’s another episode and she is there before I am? I mean, the things she said that night they just...” 

“What night?” Milan frowned. “Oh, when you guys were at the hotel and he ran out naked?” 

Robbe nodded, returning back to staring at the pattern of his bedsheets. 

“She told me I wasn’t good for him. And she... she said a bunch of shit.” Robbe said, rubbing his hands over his face again. Then he remembered the punching, and the slap. 

“She was shoving at me which, I mean I guess I get that. I was the one who had come in between their relationship. But she also slapped him. And the worst part was that it didn’t seem like it was the first time.” 

To that Zoë shook her head. “Robbe, you have to be careful with what you’re implying...” 

“I’m not implying Zoë. I’m telling you what I saw, what I’ve experienced. And it’s just not healthy. You forget the household I grew up in. And so the thought of them being alone I just...” 

Milan cleared his throat and leaned forward, mainly because Robbe was now resting his arms on his knees and staring at the floor. 

“Robbe.... Robbe, look at me. Look, Sander is -” 

“I love him so much, Milan. I am IN love with him. And I just want him to be happy. I don’t want him around people who would slap him or who have tried to keep us apart. I can be there for him, I know it.” 

Zoë felt tears appear in her eyes and if she had to witness Robbe in this state of helplessness for much longer they would’ve rolled across her cheek. Luckily, as Robbe cried into Milan’s shoulder she noticed Robbe’s phone on the bed and she leaned backwards to grab it. 

“Robbe...” She then poked his shoulder to give him his phone. 

Robbe took it in his hand and cleared his vision by wiping his eyes. 

“Sander.” Robbe then said, before opening the message, suddenly hyper focussed on his phone. 

[Glad that is over with. I know I said it was in the past, but you were right, it’s not that simple. I’m glad we were able to talk it out. We have some clarity now and I can start thinking about the future with a clearer mind. Our future.] 

“So, how did it go?” Milan asked, unable to read much of it upside down and from far away. 

Robbe nodded and replied back, he would adress Milan later. 

[I’m glad things went okay. She wasn’t mad?] 

Robbe then looked up and gave Milan a soft smile, tears still drying on his cheeks. “He said it was good they got to talk.” he told Milan, before turning back to his phone to read Sander’s reply. 

[She said she was mostly ashamed. Because she was caught up in a fantasy where she had convinced herself that I was the one for her and she was the one for me. That she knew me best. I guess she now realized things have changed...] 

Robbe nodded and started typing right away. 

[So she’s okay with you guys not being a thing anymore?] 

He could tell that Sander wasn’t opening up about the talk all that much. And maybe he would ask about it in another time, instead of over messenger chat. So he decided this was the last thing he would ask, just one more thing to ease his own insecurities. 

[She is. You have nothing to worry about, trust me.] 

Robbe felt himself breathe a sigh of relief, and when he looked up he had noticed Zoë and Milan had moved to focus on the stained floor, allowing Robbe to move on his bed to lean his head against the wall and get a bit more comfortable. He felt his chest open up, and all the tension slowly faded away. He had nothing to worry about. 

[I’m glad you talked to her. But yeah, I couldn’t help but feel a bit uneasy. And I may have cried liked a baby with Milan and Zoë while we’re cleaning my room.] 

Robbe then looked up at his two roommates who were busy discussing what could have caused the stain. And he recalled the day Zoë approached him in the hall clearly. The day they showed him around in the kitchen. When they had their first binge together. Right now, they weren’t actually paying any attention to him so he just returned to focus on his phone. 

[So then maybe I should start calling you baby now...😉 ] 

Robbe blushed at reading the message, and he repositioned himself on the bed to sit a bit more upright. 

[You can do that.] he replied, quickly pressing send before he lost the nerve to do so. 

[Okay baby ♥] 

“So you go from an anxious mess to this giggle situation in just a few texts?” Milan grinned, before he dropped himself on the bed and looked at Robbe with raised eyebrows. “What did he say?” 

Robbe looked up from his phone and then threw it aside, chosing not to indulge Milan’s curiosity for once. “Nothing. Let’s just figure out how to get my room all packed okay?” 

Because they did have some work left cut out for them. Thankfully by lunch Robbe had created a bit more order in the chaos, and when Zoë returned his laundry freshly washed he thanked her extensively. 

“How about I cook tonight? As a thank you?” 

“Food poisoning as a thank you, I’m not sure if that’s how it works Robbe?” Zoë said with a teasing smile, and Robbe threw a pillow at her. 

“Pasta carbonara is one of the few things I can make so take it or leave it...” Robbe offered with a confident smile. He had learned the recipe from his mom, and somehow it stuck with him despite the fact that he never wrote it down. Just a vivid memory of the two of them in the kitchen on a sunday afternoon, his mom giving detailed instructions on how to make her favorite pasta. 

“Zoë don’t tease the kid. Sure Robbe, we would love it if you cooked tonight. Now Zoë come with me, I need your help with my clothes too now that I’ve seen how you fold them for Robbe.” 

And then they left the room, leaving Robbe alone with his phone in hand. Considering he still had a week to go until the move, he decided to reward himself with a casual sunday for the rest of the afternoon. He stopped by the grocery store briefly to pick up some ingredients before creating dinner for the three of them and they had an evening filled with netflix to follow. 


	16. Monday 30/12/2019 - 14.12

“Yeah but Gert, we can’t uproot the kids like that. They’re in the most critical stages of their lives right now.” Jens heard as he descended the stairs and walked into the kitchen to grab a soda.

The conversation between his parents died out abruptly, and Jens leaned against the counter, opening the can. “You don’t have to stop on my behalf.”

It wasn’t like his parents had ever been shy of discussng heavy topics with him. He was their oldest child, which came with certain responsibilities. But Jens also knew that him being born when his parents were 18 was also part of the reason why they had treated him more as an adult now that he was approaching that time of his life himself.

Sabine, Jens’ mother, looked at her husband and they had a silent exchange of words before she turned to her son and urged him to have a seat next to them on the couch. They both moved from their spot on the couch, turning towards Jens as he took his seat in his usual corner spot, before they exchanged one more look and then his mom cleared her throat.

“Your dad has received an interesting job opportunity. It’s a promotion. But it would also require us to relocate to Utrecht.”

No training wheels, no swimming aids. Sabine had prouded herself of being direct and avoiding too much caution with her kids. But with this, Jens wished she would’ve used something to catch the blow.

“Utrecht? As in, the Netherlands Utrecht?” Jens said.

Gert, Jens’ father nodded at his son. “Yes. It’s around 130 km from here. But we have done the calculations and it’s too much of a distance to commute back and forth every day. So we’re considering.”

“Hold up. Hold up one minute. How serious is this? You’ve done calculations and everything?”

Gert nodded, looking at the papers on the coffee table. Jens hadn’t even noticed them until now. They had the logo of his dad’s work on them. It was a contract. Ready to be signed on the dotted line by Gert Stoffels.

“But we haven’t made the final decision yet. We still have time.” Sabine cut in, to which Gert grunted in disagreement.

“I have to let them know when I get back to work on Monday, sweetheart. That’s hardly enough time to overthink it all once more.”

Jens folded his arms and shook his head, trying to comprehend how this was really happening. That they might all move to the Netherlands. And he would have to start school again in a different country.

“Wait, you guys did consider I’m in 5th year now, right? I mean, the school system is totally different in the Netherlands.”

“Jens, son, we-”

“No I’m serious. It’s HAVO and whatever shit. And mom, you were the one who once told me that your sister had to redo a year when you guys moved because she couldn’t settle in well so she got behind on her classes.”

“Jens, my sister was five at the time...”

“Yeah and you have other children besides me. Who are not yet on the verge of graduating. They’re making friends in school. And you’re just going to drag them away?!”

“Nobody is dragging anyone away, Jens. Mind your volume.”

“This sucks. This literally sucks so much.” Jens said as he got up and stormed out of the living room back into the kitchen. “And all that for a bit of extra money? Are you really a corporate sell-out dad?!” he yelled before he took double steps on the staircase back to his room, just so that he could be away from his parents and the news that they would, might, relocate to another country.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if the comments if you think the Stoffels family should relocate to Utrecht...


	17. Tuesday 31/12/2019 - 19.56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to take a one-week hiatus due to some personal issues, but this fic is now back to updating regularly. Hope you continue to enjoy!

“Do you have any New Year’s wishes?” Sander asked while leaning against the doorframe. For the past 6 minutes he had been watching Robbe struggle to fix his tie and force his hair into an acceptable look for the evening. Neither was going very well.

“That I don’t have to wear another tie, ever.” Robbe said, sighing in annoyance and then locking eyes with Sander in the bathroom mirror. Robbe had warned him a few minutes ago that he was going to get this tie done by himself, and Sander had wisely waited by the door. But now, looking at him, Robbe’s conviction wasn’t as strong anymore.

“Come here.” Sander then said, and Robbe wanted to protest but Sander was fast to grab his hands in both of his, urging Robbe to stop messing around with the tie before they both lost their patience.

Robbe’s compliance was rewarded with a sweet kiss, one that tasted like mint toothpaste and Robbe knew what he wished for in that moment. More of this. More kisses, more Sander. 

Part of him didn’t even feel like going to the party anymore. It seemed too extra now, when he could just have Sander in his bed, counting down until midnight, and then they could pick the first moment of 2020 to just... kiss. It could be perfect. And no ties would be required.

Sander then looked Robbe up and down and started out with his hair, quickly running some hairgel through his fingers before tugging at the strands of Robbe’s brown hair.

“I swear Sander, don’t ruin my hair...” but Sander shushed him and continued working on his masterpiece. He had drawn Robbe so often now, his hair being the most difficult part of every drawing. But he got the hang of it now. And he had a clear picture of it, one his fingertips were trying to recreate.

“There.” Sander said once he was happy with his work, and he turned Robbe’s shoulders back towards the mirror. Sander knew Robbe would be pleased, but the happy smile still made his heart jump a little. Robbe pressed a kiss to his cheek as a thank you.

“You should go put on your shoes. I will just give this one more try and- ” 

“Robbeee” Sander said, rolling his eyes, before he turned his boyfriend back to face him. His hands then got to work on the dark blue material of Robbe’s tie. When Sander paused for a moment, and looked up and away, Robbe could tell Sander was trying to invert the movements in his head from when he put a tie on himself. 

Robbe couldn’t help but imagine it. Perhaps he wore one on his graduation day? Or maybe to a wedding of one of his family members? Then, Robbe swallowed as his imagination drew Sander in all-black, wearing a tie surrounded by his friends and family at a loved one’s funeral. 

He knew Sander had some darkness in his past. He always chose his words carefully when he spoke of a past that went beyond the Britt era. Even when he went to Sander’s house, he could feel a certain heavy weight to the family pictures. 

Robbe concluded that Sander knew darkness as an old friend. As a pressence that had always been a part of his life, somehow. It was something Robbe had observed these last few weeks. In his art, in his eyes. And after the manic episode, it was as if the darkness was introducing himself to him too. Reaching out a hand. Nice to meet you. Let’s get acquainted.

Robbe imagined it would’ve been like Cloak and Dagger. Light meets dark. Shadows meet brightness. Because that was what he aimed to be in Sander’s life. Despite his own darkness. And despite Sander’s own brightness. They both needed a little bit more of the other in certain times. And now, Sander needed the light.

“There.” Sander said, what felt like minutes later but in reality it had just been a few quick movements and suddenly the dark blue tie was around Robbe’s neck. He lifted the bottom of it between his middle and index finger, smiling impressed. Then he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s neck.

Sander smiled at the sudden closeness, something he had grown used to from Robbe by now. Sometimes he could be really clingy and say the most emotional, poetic things. He could be a real lovesick baby sometimes. But Sander loved every minute of it. 

“This is where you say something poetic.” Sander reminded him, and Robbe threw his head to the side in laughter. 

But then he looked at Sander. And caught a glance of himself in the mirror. The two of them, the image now finally clicking of his their outfits complimented each other. 

Sander then had his phone in his hand before Robbe knew it, and when Sander raised his eyebrows at him, Robbe gave him a scrunched nose. “Private collection.” Sander then said, before he took a few pictures of them, none to share with the world but just for them to look back on in memory.

“Ready to go?” Sander then asked, and Robbe nodded before he let go of Sander. Then, the year’s final stroke of brilliance came to him. And Robbe pulled Sander back in to the position they were in moments ago. Sander smiled in anticipation. 

“ **Mijn das is blauw, en ik hou van jou**.”


	18. Tuesday 31/12/2019 - 20.24

Robbe stood in front of the venue with it’s loud music and he shook his hands, arms stretched out along his side. He paused in his tracks when he saw Sander looking at him. And he was just looking, but Robbe got the message loud and clear. “You’re adorable.” Sander smiled. “Just chill. They’re only a few of my friends. It’s not like you’re gonna meet Bart De Wever...”

“Ugh, no thanks.” Robbe said in a reflex.

“Exactly. Look, Mia said she would make sure that everyone is dressed in the 20’s theme, so you won’t be the only one there. I mean look, I’m wearing this thing.” he said pointing at his striped dark blue pants and matching dark blue shirt. The eyecatchers of the look were the white suspenders and the white bowtie. It was... a look.

“And Maxim is going full bootlegger. Has this maffia inspired outfit, see.” Sander said, pulling out his phone and going over to Maxim’s instastory. Robbe then sighed, and instead of looking at Sander’s phone he just burried himself in the curve of Sander’s neck,wrapping his arms around him and taking a deep breath in. 

Sander froze in his confusion for a moment, before he realized what was happening and he closed as much distance between them as he could, holding Robbe as tight as possible. He could sense Robbe’s mood swing very obviously. Deep down, he knew it was just insecurity about what the next year would bring. Not only their relationship but moving back in with his mom, going into his final year of high school and now being introduced to Sander’s friends at a theme party. That, combined with the last few weeks, Sander knew he hadn’t been making it easy on him. 

Looking over Robbe’s shoulder he could see the people arriving at the party and Sander pulled Robbe a bit further away. “We can just go home, if you want?” Sander suggested. One of his arms was wrapped around his waist, the other was softly stroking his hair. 

Robbe had his eyes closed, just soaking up the moment when Sander’s words came. And no, no he didn’t want that. He quickly opened them again, looking back into Sander’s eyes and he shook his head in determination. 

“I didn’t put on this ridiculous outfit for nothing, Sander. We’re going. Just...” 

Robbe got visibly annoyed at himself and he let go of Sander again. He was nervous, and he couldn’t hide it. “Just tell me what I can expect. Are people gonna know about us? Are they gonna ask what college I study at? When my first exam is? What do I tell them?”

Sander took a deep breath and took both Robbe’s hands, thinking back to when he had run through these questions with Britt on his way to the beach on a late friday evening during at tbe beginning of break. And so he knew he had to do everything the opposite of what she did. 

He wasn’t going to give him a “friend group 101” powerpoint presentation, or forcing him to follow some people on insta because “they’re the reason you’re even on this trip”. He wasn’t going to tell him to “not have any fun without him” or “not go wander off.”

Sander leaned in, resting his forehead against Robbe’s and their faces were close together. They were breathing each other in, letting the silence roam for a bit while he waited for Robbe’s heart to slow down. “You and I, Robbe. That’s what you’re going to expect.”

Sander pressed a soft kiss to his lips, and looked at his boyfriend. “I’m gonna be right there. I’m gonna introduce you to everyone. I’m gonna show you off, and fuck anyone who asks about Britt or whatever. And I know. I know it’s daunting and it’s scary to meet these new people that are a part of my life. But it’s a party. It’s New Year’s. I promise you they’re nice people and they’re not gonna make a big deal about you at all.”

Robbe stepped aside for some people to walk past them on the sidewalk, and in his mind they could all read the invisible bold letters ‘16’ on his face. “They’re not gonna think I’m some stupid kid?” Robbe asked, looking away shyly.

Sander sighed and grabbed Robbe’s hand, turning towards the entrance. “They wouldn’t have blinked an eye if I was still going to this thing with Britt. If they judge you, it’s only cause they’re jealous you still get 2 full months of vacation and we have retakes in August.”

Sander noticed Robbe’s lips curl into a smile, and Robbe’s fingers interwined with his. “Let’s go make them all jealous then.”

And that sounded like a good plan for tonight, music to Sander’s ears.


	19. Tuesday 31/12/2019 - 20.37

As predicted the party was already in full swing by the time they arrived, some jazz-remix music blasting through the speakers from the dj booth. The venue was filled to the brim, overflowing with people who were all excited to celebrate the new year together. There were gold decorations and feathers everywhere Robbe looked, with bottles of champagne ready to be popped in a few hours. There were people talking, people dancing and as they made their way through the crowd Robbe realized Sander was right about them fitting in with their outfits. 

They then arrived at a more crowded part of the venue, and Robbe saw Sander wave at some people all the way across and the thought of squeezing himself through the crowd up ahead made Robbe groan. “Wait, wait...” He said, pulling on Sander’s arm.

Sander got the physical cue, but he clearly didn’t hear Robbe becausee the music was loud, a heavy beat filling up the room. Sander leaned in closer and took a break from making their way into the crowd. He pulled them to a spot next to one of the concrete pillars at the event, and Sander searched for Robbe’s eyes until they were locked on him, and not the party around them. “Everything okay?”

Robbe nodded, his bravest face on display before Sander softly touched his chin and pressed a kiss on his lips. One that made Robbe’s bravery melt, and when their lips parted again, Robbe sighed. 

“Sorry, I just... It’s a lot bigger than the parties I usually go to. I feel like if I lose you in this crowd I will never find you again.”

Sander looked at him an smiled, before pressing an eager kiss to his lips again. “You won’t lose me. Promised.” Sander said. Then he lifted his eyebrow and Robbe nodded, agreeing to continue down the big hall until they reached his friends.

“Stefan! Maxim!” Sander said excitingly as he got to a group of people and he hugged them each individually before he returned to stand by Robbe’s side. “Everyone, this is my boyfriend Robbe.”

Boyfriend. Jeez, sometimes Robbe forgot what a horrible cliché Sander was and how he could make him blush with the most insignificant compliment or comment. This was one of those things. 

“Ah, someone owes me!” The guy Sander greeted first said, then turning to the guy on his left with an open hand. “Maxim, pay up.”

Sander frowned and Maxim pulled out his wallet. “How about I just get the next round for everyone, since that’s what you’re gonna be doing one hour from now with my money anyways.”

And free drinks, who could say no to that. “Beer?” Maxim asked Robbe, and he nodded before Sander requested something non-alcoholic which nobody seemed to be batting an eye over. But Robbe did look at Sander and gave him a little frown. 

“I’ll toast at midnight, don’t worry. I just don’t wanna be super wasted or anything. Not recommended with the meds, is all.” Sander explained, before he used up the space Maxim created to move closer to the other half of the circle. “Lore, Mia, Elise... say hi to Robbe.”

“Hi Robbe. Great outfit.” one of the girls smiled.

Robbe blushed, taking the tie in between both of his fingers. “All Sander’s doing.” he said, causing Sander to beam proudly. The girl gave Sander an approving nod, and the wordless exchange that followed made Robbe conclude she must be Mia. He could also tell by the extensive effort she had put into her outfit, and in some ways she reminded him of Amber except she seemed less intense and more relaxed.

Suddenly Robbe got startled by Sander whispering into his ear. “I helped you into clothes for once instead of taking them off.” 

Robbe could feel Sander’s cold hand on the small of his back and for a moment he froze when he realized Sander’s touch was not so innocent. He then gave him a warning look, which Sander returned with a smirk before both of their attention was drawn by someone approaching the group.

“So this is the new boyfriend then?” The girl asked. She stood right in front of them, taking in Robbe from head to toe. She asked the question without breaking eye contact with Robbe, who can feel Sander tense up next to him. 

She huffed and glanced aside. “Where did you find this one Driesen?”

And he wasn’t not sure why, because he hasn’t had a sip of alcohol yet but Robbe’s bravery kicked in that moment and for the first time he felt like he could speak up about this subject. 

“Koninklijk Antheneum Berchem. High school. Though he technically first saw me while we were spraypainting a garbage truck.” Robbe replied, giving Sander a soft smile. Sander mirrored it, and pressed a kiss to Robbe’s lips because he was proud of his boyfriend. 

“Which was back when he was still dating Britt. But I can give you a detailed timeline if you want?”

The words left Robbe’s mouth before he knew it, and he regretted them instantly as his intention wasn’t to escalate the issue. To his relief, the group started laughing, including Tatiana who just shook his head and all but admitted she came across a bit strong. 

“You guys do look cute together.” she said, before she waved and walked off, and Robbe turned to Sander right away, wondering what happened just now. 

“All that worry that they would judge you and when it comes down to it you don’t even need me to defend you.” Sander smiled. He leaned in and pressed their lips together again, pulling Robbe tightly against him. Robbe could feel his heart flutter and his blood run hot. He sighed against Sander’s lips, and then shrugged his shoulders. “I think 2020 is a good time to start standing up for what I love. I’m done letting people walk over us.”

The words were heavy, and they had their eyes locked on each other while they lived through the memory of a few weeks ago. Robbe saw a familiar look on Sander’s face, one he hadn’t been able to figure out. But he hated seeing it. Luckily Maxim appeared next to them at that exact moment with the drinks in his hand, and Robbe smiled. “Finally.”

“To a good evening then.” Sander said, grabbing his soda and making their two bottles touch.

“To a good year.” Robbe replied.


	20. Tuesday 31/12/2019 - 23.41

A year ago if anyone would have told Robbe that he’d be kissing his boyfriend in public, surrounded by people, he would have never believed it. But a lot changed since then, and he was committed to being his true self more than ever. And he knew it was going to take time. He knew he wasn’t completely comfortable acting like a couple in dark alleys, and he would always be nervous of other people’s reaction. But he felt like showing that yes, he liked boys. One boy in particular. 

Being with Sander made Robbe feel like he could get through anything, like winning the ongoing competition of who could drink their beer the fastest. It was the sixth of the evening, and six beer-Robbe was the one with the dancing shoes on as he pulled Sander’s arm. He demanded at least one dance, telling Sander that they didn’t watch the entire Gatsby movie for nothing. When Robbe made a little dancemove, Sander was sold.

“Okay okay.” Sander eventually complied, putting his soda down next to Stefan’s drink and giving the guys a look before he walked with Robbe to where the people were dancing.

People around them were drunk and having fun, a sea of bodies surrounding them and a sense of freedom uniting them. Hearts were beating to the same tune, and the whole room was in a bit of a haze that made Sander feel electric, even if he wasn’t as drunk as most the people around him. 

It allowed him to move without caring if anyone was watching, and he registered they must be close to midnight now but the thought was lost to the night. Right now he couldn’t focus on anything but the rhythm of the song he was dancing to with the guy he loved. Who was now dancing his way out of reach, so Sander slipped closer and stepped in behind him. 

Robbe startled at the hands on his hips which he was trying his best to move to the beat of the song while not looking completely off compared to the people around them. Not that he had many eyes for anyone else, feeling Sander’s entire front was glued against his back. Then, Sander dipped his head, causing Robbe to feel the breath against his ear.

“I didn’t know you could dance like this.”

Robbe turned around, but barely detached himself from Sander. “Only for you. You like it?”

“I love it.” Sander nodded, ignoring the fact that he probably wasn’t the only one noticing Robbe’s dancing. Clearly he was showing off. And Sander wanted to shout from the rooftops that he had the most amazing boyfriend in the world, and he would challenge anyone who would even look at him the wrong way. Especially when they were out in public, he felt the urge to show people what love looked like. If he could piss off one homophobe, his night would be made. Even if that attitude sometimes got him in trouble. He never regretted loving his boyfriend in public.

But tonight wasn’t the night for that type of statement. He knew his friends and people on campus didn’t have a hateful bone in their bodies towards any type of minorities. He loved being a part of the art community at school because of that. Because of its inclusivity and its acceptance of things that were different, but no less normal. Everyone was free to express themselves.

Part of tonight was about showing that to Robbe. Making sure he was having a good night, and that they were surrounded by people who supported their relationship 100%. For emphasis, Sander moved his hands to Robbe’s hair, and kissed him briefly.

Robbe hummed, then moving his hands to Sander’s back, burying his face in his neck. He loved the scent of Sander, and he was starting to get lost in it when he heard Sander’s friends joined them on the dancefloor so Robbe let go a bit and gave Sander a look that all but said ‘to be continued’. 

For the next two songs, they all danced together, up until Robbe decided he needed a break. Robbe looked around and leaned in to Mia in order to find out where the bathroom was. When she pointed at the other side of the venue, Robbe nodded and gestured to her he would be right back. He was making his way through people and when he finally arrived at the bathroom he saw there was a line. He counted at least 5 people in front of him, so he decided to pull up his phone and check what his friends were up to. 

The party Jens, Moyo and Aaron were at seemed a lot of fun but certainly way more lowkey. Jana and Zoë were going to the kaaien to check out the fireworks at midnight. Robbe put his phone away once he stumbled upon Noor’s story, and he continued queuing until he was alone in one of the bathroom stalls. 

The cold tiles on the wall gave him some much needed cooling, and with the noise of the party almost completely silenced, Robbe could already feel a headache approaching in the distance. However he quickly decided that was 2020 Robbe’s problem.

He then looked up when he got a message from Sander, who was joking that he had lost his armcandy and it brought Robbe back to the movie they watched. He realized he felt very much like Nick Carraway, with his special invitation as Sander’s plus one to a party that he would otherwise never attend.

When he left the bathroom again a few minutes later, he looked up to see Sander leaning against the wall in the hallway.

“Hey old sport. Told you you wouldn’t lose me.” Sander smirked. He purposefully took a pose leaning against the wall, and Robbe rolled his eyes at how extra his boyfriend could be sometimes. If he didn’t know any better, he’d find himself relating to Daisy too.

So Robbe tried to think of something equally clever and witty, but his mind was blank. Thinking about how he would have had to search for Sander in the crowd, he now realized his plan was a bit flawed as well. “Well if I didn’t find you in the crowd I would just yell that David Bowie sucks and then I’m assuming you’d protest loud enough.” he teased.

Sander reacted with mock offense, and he shook his head at the thought of an insult like that to his greatest idol. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“If it was that or spending the rest of the night alone, I would. Anything to get you in front of me at 23.59. Because I want to kiss you at midnight.”

To that, Sander’s lips turned into a smirk and he leaned in but kept his lips teasingly away from Robbe. “Only midnight?”

Robbe admitted, he built this trap himself. “Well, not just midnight...”

Sander just shook his head and grabbed Robbe’s hand to drag him back to the party, but Robbe objected and pulled in the opposite direction. 

“What are you doing?” Sander asked. 

“I wanna be with you.”

“You are with me.” Sander replied. 

Robbe rolled his eyes. “Alone.”

Sander looked at him and bit his lips, looking at the people around them. The bathrooms were not his personal choice, and he knew they risked getting caught up in each other to the point they might miss the countdown. “Later tonight, okay?”

Robbe pouted a bit and hooked his finger behind Sander’s suspenders. “But you look so good in these. It’s really turning me- ”

“Sander.” Stefan said from behind them. Robbe glared at him and Stefan smiled apologetically. “Sorry guys. But we got the champagne ready.”

And so Sander tilted his head at Robbe who reluctantly agreed to join the others. “Later. Promised.” Sander whispered to Robbe on the way there.

Sander knew Robbe was at his most uninhibited, somewhere just on the edge between drunk and wasted and he knew he had his own buzz going on, the three beers he had taking its affect. Yet when Stefan offered a glass of champagne he took it, and handed Robbe one too. After all, it was only New Year’s eve once a year.

“Danku.” Robbe said, leaning in closely against Sander’s side, the energy from the dancefloor now no longer fueling him but still swaying to the sound of the music. Yet when their eyes locked, Sander could tell Robbe was looking back at him with a focused gaze, and things unblurred. Robbe squeezed Sander’s side as to confirm. He was there.

Sander then caught the crowd of people starting the countdown to the New Year. 

Ten. Nine. 

“Whatever happens next year.” Sander said, raising his voice so that Robbe understood him over the noise.

Six. Five. Four.

“Wij twee. In elk universum.” Robbe replied, with a nod. 

“En in deze minuut?” Sander asked.

Robbe gave him a smirk and as the crowd yelled one, he inched closer and his eyes fell shut, feeling Sander’s hand on his cheek and then his lips on his. It felt like pure bliss, and Robbe tightened his hold because he didn’t want this feeling to end. 

Robbe was pouring everything into the kiss, all the things he wanted to say but that his mind wasn’t able to form coherent sentences for. And Sander kissed him back just as passionately, conveying all the feelings he had in this one kiss as if it was the very last one. 

It wasn’t the last one, as they pulled away to breathe momentarily before Robbe continued with small pecks and they were both smiling and laughing. Their eyes were sparkling, filled with joy and love. 

Next the cheers from around them flooded back in, and they lingered on their moment for just a little while longer before they broke their eye contact and joined in with the cheers around them. They all hugged, and Robbe found himself wishing happy new year to strangers he had met mere hours ago. Yet he liked hanging out with them this evening. 

He had entered the evening with nerves and worst case scenarios, but he left it with a group of new acquaintances and memories to the best ending of 2019 he could have imagined.


	21. Wednesday - 01/01/2020 - 02.16

“I’m glad I came. I had fun.” Robbe said, holding on tightly to Sander’s arm as they left the venue around 2AM. Holding on to Sander helped stabilize him, as he felt his feet were starting to betray him a bit. 

“Yeah? That’s good. I’m glad you had a good time.” Sander smiled. A smile that made Robbe want to reach out and touch. He loved seeing Sander smile. He reached out but then lost his balance on one of the cobblestones and he burst out into laughter. 

“One foot in front of the other baby. It’s only a bit further.” Sander said, clearly the most sober out of both of them. Not that they didn’t blend in well with the rest of the city and the people on the streets. The people on the street were just like them, a bit unbalanced and struggling to get themselves oriented. Sander was dealing with the latter when they got to an intersection.

He looked up to the night sky, a fog making everything a bit blurry. It felt like the city was somewhere in between day and night, in between the new year and the old. Their hands were intertwined, as if they just belonged together, and Robbe lifted them to eyelevel. 

“How is it that we fit together so perfectly? How is it that the space in between my fingers is where yours fit seemlessly?” 

Sander hummed, trying to figure out if they should take the first right or the second right. 

“Sandeeeeer.” Robbe whined. 

Sander looked to his left. Then he smiled. “We’re soulmates, of course. We were made for each other. Now....” Sander said, pausing them both and putting his hands on Robbe’s shoulders. “Help me out here.” 

He had managed to get them south of the National Bank and the park. 

“We should take the Lange Leemstraat. Are we going the right way?” 

Robbe looked up, only taking in the surroundings for the first time since they stepped out into the fresh air. The pizza hut sign caught his attention. 

“I think we take a left at pizza hut.” 

“You think or you know?” 

“Sander, I’m drunk as fuck. And now I’m hungry. We take a left at pizza hut.” Robbe decided. 

Sander sighed and followed Robbe, but grabbed out his phone in a final attempt to launch google maps. When that didn’t succeed because his data was a bitch, he considered their options. Then, an idea came to mind that might cost him a few more croissants for the flatshare.

“Milan. Hey, it’s Sander.”

“Happy New Year!” Milan chimed from the other end of the line. Robbe looked up in a frown, mouthing ‘why are you calling Milan’. Sander decided to put his phone on speaker.

“Yeah, same for you. Hey eh... are you home?”

“No. No I’m not, the apartment is empty cause I’m at a friend’s place and Zoë is out...” Milan said. What followed was a teasing whistle from Milan, and Robbe caught on to that but Sander shushed him. 

“Okay. Eh, we just walked by the Pizza Hut at the Lange Leemstraat. You know all the trams in Antwerp. Where is the closest one? Because I don’t have maps and Robbe’s phone is dead so we might get lost.”

The other end of the line was silent for a bit, and then Milan sighed loudly. “And here I was thinking you called me because you wanted to say happy new year.”

“Happy new year Milan!” Robbe yelled loudly into the phone. Sander then pulled the phone out of reach of his drunk boyfriend.

“That’s better. Okay, let me think. Lange Leemstraat... if you’re at the crossing near the pizza hut you should go one more block to the Van Bree plein. You can take tram 7 up to Harmonie and then cross the park. Shouldn’t be more than ten minutes.”

Robbe sighed a finally and pointed in the direction they needed to go, and Sander nodded in confirmation before he turned the speaker off. “Thanks Milan. And I was going to say happy new year tomorrow morning with some fresh croissants. Cause I was kind of hoping you could stay out tonight?”

Milan clicked his tongue at the other end of the line. 

“Well, only because it seems like you guys will be home before I am. I’ll crash at my friends place, don’t worry. But you need to convince Zoë too. And those croissants better be there in the morning.”

Sander smiled proudly. “They will be. I will message Zoë. Bye Milan.”

“Have fun you two.”

Sander then launched messenger and asked Zoë if she planned to stay at Jana’s. He figured he should put it that way to make it the least obvious. 

By the time they made it to the tram stop, Zoë still hadn’t replied. Luckily there was a tram a few minutes later, and as they got a seat Sander was toggling his fingers on his phone impatiently. 

“I don’t like trams.” Robbe sighed. He was sounding much like a spoiled kid, and Sander looked at him with some judgement. Robbe shrugged. “Are we almost home?”

Sander smiled, and leaned his head on top of Robbe. He liked when he called it home. Even though in reality it wasn’t really either of theirs. Robbe was moving out in a few days to live with his mom again, and Sander had only stayed there a few nights. He may have a few shirts wandering around there but he still had to look for any good in Robbe’s cabinet, and he still got confused about which lightswitch was which. But it was still a place he liked. A place with no parental supervision, where they had both been able to detach from their toxic environments and melt together.

And despite the fact that he could think of the beach, or the skatepark, or the garbage truck storage facility where they had more “first” moments, or the school where they had found their way back to each other twice now, it still wasn’t the same as the place where he loved to hold Robbe in his arms.

Even the yelling from the other side of the apartment wasn’t so far off from the environment that Sander would consider a home. Sander looked out the window, and saw they were almost there. “Almost.”

When his phone buzzed, Sander swiped the notification open right away.

[Yeah, I think so. I don’t feel like taking my bike back to the flatshare.I’ll be home tomorrow morning.]

[Okay, great.] Sander texted back, and he quickly put his phone away before he pressed the button to got off on the next stup, hurrying to the door. “Kom.”

“You’re in a hurry...” Robbe commented as he tried not to fall down from the stairs of Antwerp’s oldest trams on the city’s line 7.

“I just got your apartment to ourselves.” Sander winked.


	22. Wednesday - 01/01/2020 - 09.12

It was an unspoken rule that January 1st had no concepts of morning, afternoon and evening. It was a day created for hangovers and greasy food. When Robbe was little, they would have gourmet with his extended family on New Year’s eve and they’d eat the leftovers the next day. It was a tradition he missed, knowing his part of the fridge was close to empty and he was actually starting to get hungry. 

He then decided to check the time, torn between getting up for food or sleeping a few more hours. When the time indicated it was only 9AM, the decision was made for him and he plugged his phone into the charger before he returned to the warm comfort of his bed.

When he felt Sander’s arm wrap around him, he realized it wasn’t even a concious movement from his boyfriend’s part, and Robbe sighed happily at the thought of this next year being their year. The traditions they would share together, and his determination to one-up Sander for making him sing on Sinterklaas. 

Robbe allowed himself a moment to think of what the next few months had in store for them. Sander’s exams were around the corner. And Robbe had no idea how things worked in college, but he knew Sander had a lot at stake and he had already been stressed about it. He concluded he didn’t like that they weren’t on the same academic schedule. He didn’t like that he had class every single day until 4PM except for wednesdays, which was the only day he could go to Sander’s school and meet him there. 

As he started drifting off to sleep, he decided he would try to be as supportive as he could, but he wanted to remember to ask Sander what he needed. Because he knew everyone handled stress differently. Although from what he’d heard at the party yesterday, most of the pass time during exam season included porn. 

Though Robbe could offer the real deal. There was honestly still a thousand things they hadn’t done yet. Things Robbe wanted to do. 

Suddenly he could feel cold, confident fingers creep up his chest, and he welcomed the touch that lifted up his shirt. His neck was being kissed at the spot just above his collarbone and he sighed in pleasure. Encouraged, Sander continued his movements and Robbe fell on his back, with Sander’s mouth inching down on his chest.

His shirt was thrown on the floor in the blink of an eye, and he arched his back as Sander roamed his mouth over the exposed skin. 

Robbe didn’t open his eyes his eyes. Instead, he focused on the goosebumps spreading across his body and the feeling of Sander’s body on top of his. He loved these unworded moments so much, where they could let their bodies do the communication for them. Though he was glad that anything new could be discussed. Sander had made sure of that from the very beginning.

But something inside Robbe told him this wasn’t the moment for talking things through in cautious detail. And he wanted to try something that excited him. In a swift movement, Robbe levereged his leg to flip them over and he was looking down at Sander who seemed a bit in awe. Sander’s lips were moving, but Robbe couldn’t figure out what they were saying until he heard his own name.

"Robbe?"

Robbe’s eyes snapped open when he heard Sander call out his name. He stilled the movements of his hand in his boxers and pulled his shirt down quickly.

"Happy new year, again; What were you dreaming about?" Sander spoke, and Robbe could hear the smirk on his face even before he turned to the side. He groaned, covering his face with his arms and pulled the bedsheets higher. 

He felt the bed dip to his left, and Sander’s touch felt cold when his hands connect to his skin. To the best of his abilities, with the sheets in between them, Sander leaned in closer and tried to get Robbe to remove his arms. 

He caved, lowering his arms with a shy smile on his face. He was right. Sander had the most devilish smirk on his face.

“I think we should go to more parties together.” Robbe deadpanned.

Sander raised en eyebrow and nodded. “That sounds like a new year’s resolution I could actually follow.”

Robbe then moved closer to his boyfriend, deciding he wasn’t awake enough to talk just yet, despite the fact that Sander was fully dressed and ready for his day, apparently. How was he not as hungover as him? Why were his hands so cold?

When he saw Sander’s sketchbook he touched the paper and smiled. It was the detailed sketch of his hand that Sander had been working on a few days ago. And Robbe was honestly amazed by it, despite it being an object he literally looked at every day.

“Baby, how about we not touch my beautiful sketchbook with your hands knowing where they were just a moment ago.” Sander said, pressing a kiss to his temple. 

Robbe glared at him, but still let go of the sketchbook. He then sighed deeply as he considered his options, his stomach now seriously in need of some food.

“I bought croissants for your roommates. They’re in the kitchen.” Sander said, without looking away from where he was working on the shading of his drawing. 

Moments later Robbe was out the door and walking through the hallway, while Sander shook his head at the fact that acts of service was one of Robbe’s love languages.


	23. Wednesday - 01/01/2020 - 16.23

“And where is your casanova now?” Zoë smiled at Robbe, grabbing the bowl of chips back from him. She had enjoyed the croissants this morning, and one more sad part about Robbe moving out was that these type of benefits would now dissappear. But at the same times she needed some quiet, and the flatshare had been shared by too many people for too long now.

“Studying.” Robbe sighed. 

Zoë hummed. “Yeah sure, that sounds familiar.” she said.

Robbe looked up at the bitterness in her voice, and it took him a moment before he realized they weren’t talking about Sander. And he understood that from her perspective it would come across like he was just complaining about the unavailability of his college boyfriend. But he didn’t appreciate the fact that she was using this situation to mirror herself to.

“Sander is not like Senne, Zoë.” he said defensively. “Well... actually, Senne isn’t like Senne.” he then said, matter of factly.

It caused her to look up in a frown, because what kind of reply was that even. 

Robbe shrugged his shoulders, standing by what he just said.

“I mean... come on. That comment? The guy that you’re decribing right now, who does other things than what he says he’s doing... that’s not Senne. That’s... a made up part of him that you’re using to justify why you don’t want him in your life right now. Just like you used to look for excuses to not talk to him when you secretly were totally interested in him.”

Zoë glared at Robbe, and she made it clear that his audacity wasn’t appreciated. “Seriously, Robbe?” She didn’t even know where he got that information. Most of her thought process back when she fell for Senne was too confusing for herself to this day. Making it sound so simple really didn’t measure up to the many nights of her doubting herself.

“Yeah. Seriously. Because what’s fucked up is what happened with Viktor in the spring. But that’s not Senne’s fault. And from an outside’s point of view, it’s looking a lot like Senne is paying for it.”

And Robbe wasn’t particularly team Senne in this split. He had known his reputation and was about as shocked as anyone when he and Zoë started dating. But he had lived with him for a while now, and in line of the general realization from this fall, he came to realize that Senne had many layers and that being with Zoë brought something out of him that made Robbe trust him enoug to take his advice.

“He is not to blame for what his brother did. I know that, Robbe. But he is the reason that I get anxious for being in a room with him because he’s gonna ask about it, though.” Zoë replied. She was giving Robbe the look of desperation that came with trying to explain how anxiety can consume your entire being. And she was hoping that if Robbe even once felt like things were too much to handle, he would see where she was coming from.

“That I can’t sleep because I’m constantly reminded about the trial and all the questions and the updates are just too much. It’s too much, Robbe.” she said, tears forming in her eyes now and the words came out uninterupted to the point where she felt out of breath.

Robbe clicked his tongue, and then moved closer to put a hand on her shoulder. “Yeah I get that Zoë. I get that it was too much. And I’m no relationship expert, especially not on yours. But I only recently learned how important it is to communicate with someone you love. To talk. Face to face. And you know who I learned that from?”

Zoë shook her head. She doubted it was Milan. With all the wisdom he had been passing on to Robbe he knew he was a good role model, but Milan couldn’t even communicate properly about when rent was due, let alone he would stress something like that in relationship advice.

“Senne. He told me that. When things between me and Sander were fucked up because we were both lost in our own convictions, Senne told me to talk to him face to face and get a clear answer.”

Zoë sniffled on his shoulder, but didn’t say anything. 

Deep down she knew that they may have been able to work through it. But she knew it would have cost her too much if she kept living in a state of permanent anxiety like that. In the end, breaking up with Senne was a necessary evil to protect her own mental health. And no amount of talking was going to pull her away from that belief. 

“There’s no point in talking anymore. I’m... I mean I’m trying to move on. I’m starting to sleep through the night again and I’m trying to create this peace in my head by letting all those things just fall behind me.”

Zoë lifted her head to look at him. 

“It’s just.... something I need to work through. And I have to do it alone.”

Robbe nodded and rubbed her shoulder once more. “Okay. If that’s what you think you have to do.”

“Sorry. For... saying that earlier though. I know it wasn’t...”

“It’s okay.” Robbe smiled. “I know it was just an outlet.”

Zoë then nodded and settled back on the couch. Robbe took that as his cue and he got up, offering her the entirity of the blanket. “I’m gonna go take a nap to cure this ridiculous hangover and I’m ordering pizza tonight. You want to split one?”

Zoë looked at him and nodded with a smile, grateful for the understanding that she just needed space more than anything. If only she knew how to properly convey that message to the girls. Like Jana who had spent the majority of New Year’s Eve suggesting guys to hook up with. But just like last spring she didn’t want any other guy to hook up with.

Hooking up was the farest thing from her mind right now. And when it came to another guy.... well, she wasn’t sure there would ever be someone other than Senne de Smet. And that was probably the only clarity she had in this entire situation.


	24. Thursday - 02/01/2020 - 10.23

[So are you gonna help me packing? A quick studybreak perhaps?]

[Are you certain you can handle that type of distraction of having me help you?]

[Fair point. I’ll just take a nap in the pile of your t-shirts then.]

[There’s probably only like, 2 of my shirts over at your place...]

[It’s roughly half of my warderobe Sander.]

[Well you can come and collect some more if you want. I’m having trouble closing my shirt drawer for months now.]

[Yeah well since I’m no longer in the closet, mine cleared up some room 😉]

[♥]


	25. Thursday - 02/01/2020 - 14.37

“Yeah and so now Utrecht is dangling above our family like the sword of Damocles.” Jens sighed while he moved to lay down horizontally on the couch in the Ackermans family’s livingroom.

“Sword of.. What?” Jana asked as she got her drink and settled on the lounge chair on the opposite side of the couch.

“Damocles?” Jens repeated, with a frown. “Jana, that was literally exam stuff from three weeks ago. How did you forget?” 

“Don’t go all nerdy on me Stoffels. I deleted all of that information the minute I walked out of that exam.” She said while throwing a pillow at him. Things were playful for a while, as they usually were between the two of them. But Jens wasn’t here for playful banter. And when Jana saw the tentative look on his face, she knew this was really causing him a lot of worry. 

“I talked to my mom last week about me maybe not studying here in Antwerp and if she’d opt to sell the house.” Jana said. She wasn’t really sure why she said it, but it was the closest relatable thing she could think of. 

Jens looked up, hoping for some words of encouragement, but Jana just shrugged. “She said it was our family home and she wouldn’t consider selling if even if I was studying in another city. So... I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know how that feels. But... I can imagine it sucks.”

Jens sighed, and nodded. “It sucks a lot.”

“And... you have to move with them? Even if it’s gonna be your final year this fall?”

Jens rubbed his face and nodded. “Yeah, I mentioned I could live with my grandma but she only has her one bedroom flat so there isn’t really room there.”

Jana hummed, picking at her lip a bit. “And what about what Zoë did? Just get a room in the city one year early. Would they agree to that?”

Jens snorted and shook his head right away. “No way. Never. My mom knows I can’t cook anything besides aiki noodles, and she told me just two weeks ago that if it wasn’t for her airing out my room and doing my laundry I would’ve gotten mold in my room months ago. Can’t say she’s wrong though. I’m not ready to be that grown up yet.”

“I doubt Zoë or Robbe felt ready for it. But they had to, because it was the best thing for them at that point in their lives. Maybe you should go talk to them?” Jana suggested.

Not that she didn’t appreciate him coming to her, because she did. Ever since fall break at the beach, they had been on much better terms. Maybe it was because Jens had two of his ex-girlfriends there, and Jana ended up the one he prefered to spend more time with. Maybe it was because Robbe and Aaron had been too focussed on their girlfriends. But she could sense that there was an internal struggle that he couldn’t just talk to a stranger on the bus about. 

“Yeah but they’re both a bit busy right now, right? I mean... the whole...” Jens gestured a broken heart with his fingers. “and.” and then he put his index finger through the circle of his other hand. It was a hilarious way to illustrate the polar opposite things that Zoë and Robbe were now spending time on.

“Yeah but Robbe is your best friend. He can pause drooling over Sander for five seconds if you yell him you might have to move to the Netherlands.”

Jens hummed. Maybe. 

“You made time for him when it mattered. Right?” Jana said. 

Jens looked at her with that comment, and lifted himself up from the couch back into vertical position. 

“But did I though?”

Jana leaned forward, frowning while she took a sip of her tea. “Didn’t you?”

“I mean... yeah. But looking back, all the shit he must have been going through. Maybe he had a point when he said we were all acting like idiots. I couldn’t place myself in his shoes. I just...” 

He groaned, grabbing one of the pillows on the couch out of frustration. On the other end of the living room seating area, Jana grew silent a bit. 

“I don’t think anyone could’ve been able to understand all of that. We’re kids. We’re not supposed to have the answers to life’s every question.”

Jana then got up and Jens looked over his shoulder to watch her move to the kitchen. And if this had been any of his other friends, he wouldn’t have noticed. But he knew Jana well enough to know she was starting to get upset about something, even if she didn’t want him to notice by leaving the room they were sitting in.

But he noticed. He noticed the way she was placing her hands flat on the marble. The way her eyes were blinking rapidly.

“What do you mean?” he asked, as he stood on the opposite side of the kitchen counter. 

“Well, the whole drama stuff, you know?” she said, acting out annoyed. Jens wasn’t sure if she was annoyed at him for asking, or at herself for feeling this way about it.

“How Britt texted me but Robbe is also my friend and how we ended up in a situation where we didn’t know the full story. Where we didn’t know the mature thing to do becaue we’re not mature. We’re kids. And we mess up and we make mistakes.”

Jens nodded, shrugging. “But we’ve all known each other for a long time. The four of us.”

Jana looked up at him and then she smiled softly. “Yeah, I guess we have.”

“You’re right. I should talk to Robbe. But if there’s nothing to convince my parents It’s ‘hup holland hup’ for me.” he mocked. 

Jana smiled at the mockery, but at the same time gave him the look that said he shouldn’t, which Jens quickly agreed to. 

“Well, wors tcase scenario I move and get to throw an awesome going away party though. If that’s the case I can count on you being there?”

“Absolutely.” Jana said with a wink.


	26. Friday 3/01/2020 - 11.14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were some hiccups with the last chapter, so make sure to read that too if you haven't yet. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy some comfort and snuggles in this chapter :)

The final friday of their winter break approached rapidly, and Robbe couldn’t believe that in a few days he would be returning back to school. No more lazying around, no more chill afternoons. He had grown used to it. The feeling of no obligations, of losing track of time. But mainly the feeling of sharing that with someone else. 

Robbe had grown used to waking up with Sander next to him. Of them just chilling in his room, talking about Sander’s art. Of doing whatever they wanted. And he wasn’t ready for that to be over when the calendar jumped to Monday.

When Robbe told Sander how he was feeling about the next few days, and how he didn’t want anything to change, Sander had showed up at the door 27 minutes later. The relief that flooded Robbe at the idea of not waking up alone was enough to make him feel like everything was right in the world, and he felt himself drifting off to sleep quickly, feeling Sander’s skin touch his.

Which was why when he woke up on friday morning and he didn’t feel that touch anywhere, his instinct told him something was off. Quickly, his arm spread out across the width of his bed, his eyes still too tired to open even though it would make things a lot easier. Then he heard a soft chuckle, and a hand reached for his. 

“I’m right here.” Sander spoke. Robbe could tell by the sound of his voice that Sander was awake for a while. Robbe just hummed in reply, and moved away from the edge of the bed and closer to the middle. He was expecting to be met in an embrace. Instead, his roaming hands found paper and books. 

“Sorry. I just used the space.” Sander said. Robbe peaked open one of his eyes to observe Sander moving his books to the side. Robbe groaned. “You’re studying?” 

“I have an exam in 4 days and I have never even touched this syllabus.” Sander explained. He had been at the library when Robbe texted him, so he already had his books in his backpack, so he felt like making the most out of Robbe’s tendency to sleep in until it was close to noon. 

Sander then leaned down and pressed a kiss to Robbe’s head. “I don’t have the luxury of wasting Christmas break in bed.“ he teased.

“You have the luxury to have me to wake up to though.” Robbe smirked, and Sander sighed as he put his syllabus on the floor next to him, before sliding back down from his seating position. He wasn’t going to get much studying done now anyways, with Robbe’s messy bed hair and his adorable sleepy smile staring back at him. 

“Yes, that I do.” he said, while he mirrored Robbe’s position and allowed their noses to touch in a soft eskimo kiss.

The silence settling between them was comfortable, and Robbe was on the verge of falling back to sleep when a thought reappeared to him. When he was in a similar position on the first morning of the year.

“Sander?” he asked. He bit his lip, and ran his hand through his boyfriend’s hair, resting his hand on the bed of his head. “Can you... I mean, I know exams are busy. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to make sacrifices at school to spend time with me.” Robbe started. It was still morning, so his thoughts were a bit fuzzy and he took a moment to collect them. 

“Like... We’re good, now. And I want things to be good. So when they’re not...” Robbe looked at Sander, making direct eye contact. “You can talk to me, okay? About anything. If things aren’t going well, or if there’s something you need or something I can do. I will be moving this weekend and school starts again but it’s the beginning of the semester so...”

“I will.” Sander cut in. He nodded, softly, thoughtfully. “I will try to... talk to you.”

Robbe wasn’t sure why the words seemed to come out difficultly, so he frowned worriedly. 

Sander shook his head. “Just... I don’t want to restart old patterns wiith us. Checking in and monitoring and everything...” he said. 

Robbe hated that this was the sort of relationship Sander was used to, and he closed his eyes for a few moments. “There’s this thing I once heard on a tv show. It’s that... nobody can feel what you feel except for you yourself.”

He opened his eyes again and nodded at Sander. “You are still the main character of your own life. I’m just your.... handsome love interest.”

Sander nodded softly, then smiling. “Handsome love interest huh?”

Robbe smiled back. “Yup. And you’re the ‘man of my dreams’” Robbe said with much overexageration. But part of him, the part that was planning 7 seasons ahead, was making sure Sander still had that very same role he had now. 

“Man of your dreams, you say? I’m the man of your dreams?” Sander said as he reached for Robbe under the sheets and started tickling him.

“Well, I just mean it metaphorically. No no stop, Sander, stop it.” Robbe laughed. Sander had discovered weeks ago that Robbe was ticklish. It was the type of information he wasn’t just gonna let go to waste.

“Say it again. Say I’m the man of your dreams. I’ll stop.” Sander demanded. “Say it.”

Robbe let the giggling settle before he sighed. Of course he could say it. Because it was true. Except he never intended for Sander to know it just yet. Damn it Sander Driesen. 

“You’re the man of my dreams.” he then whispered between them.


	27. Saturday - 04/01/2020 - 19.54

“I swear you’re such an idiot sometimes. Ilse and Peter will work just fine.” Robbe said upon Sander suggesting if he should call them Mr and Mrs Ijzermans. “Besides, I don’t really think mom will like it if you call her that.”

Sander took note and nodded, then letting go of Robbe’s hands once they got to the restaurant. But Robbe was quick to undo that action, lacing his fingers up again with Sander’s, before walking in. 

“Reservation for Ijzermans?” Robbe asked at the entrance, and they were being led to a table under one of the lavish chandeliers. Robbe smiled upon seeing his mom was already there, and he hugged her once they got to the table. 

“Good to see you mama.”

“Hi sweetheart.” Ilse smiled in return. “And you must be Sander.”

Sander nodded and gave her a polite handshake. “Hello ma’am.”

“Oh, call me Ilse, please.” the woman smiled. Robbe looked at Sander with a ‘told you so’ look, before they both took their seats next to each other at the table. 

“Your dad is stuck in traffic, but he should be here shortly. We...” Ilse seemed hesitant about how much she should be open with her son about this, but she decided to talk anyways. 

“We had agreed to meet up in advance so we could be a united front. But seeing how he is late it shows just how much dedication he has to that cause.” she said with a deep sigh. 

It wasn’t one of contempt, or of annoyance. More of sadness. A reminder of the last 23 years of her life where she had lived with her husband and his tendencies to fail at commitment. 

“Well he really did want to have this dinner. I know I’m the one who pushed for it to be the four of us, but he has been okay with things the last few months.”

Ilse smiled, and nodded. Sander reached out to hold Robbe’s hand under the table, giving it a small squeeze in support. From what he was aware of, he knew this was the first time Robbe had sat with both his parents at a table in well over a year. And the fact that he wanted him to be there, was not a small act. It was something Sander realized the importance of. 

Yet still, the table was charged with a vibe that was hard to place entirely. Sander could tell Ilse was a bit overwhelmed by all of it, and Robbe’s outer leg was bouncing, awaiting the inevitable entrance of his dad. When the bouncing stopped, Sander knew that the blonde man with the beard that had just walked in must be Robbe’s dad.

He was brought to their table quickly, and drink orders were placed before Peter let out a long-awaited sigh. “So I’m Peter. You’re Sander?” he asked. Robbe wanted to frown and throw in ‘no this is Nathan, my new boyfriend that I hadn’t told you about and ambushed you with’ but he opted not to. 

“Yes. Hello.” Sander said, politely shaking Peter’s hand. 

Ilse observed the exchange cautiously, and exchanged a look with Robbe when Peter’s inner alpha male tendencies started to surface. It was little things. The way he was pressing his hand down on Sander’s shoulder. The way he was shaking hands just a bit too much. Ilse spotted the signs after years of marriage. She knew how Sander felt after that greeting. She wanted to reach out and whisper ‘don’t let him get to you’ but had no option to do so as Sander was seated diagonally across from her. 

Luckily Robbe was there, and he had a quick reassuring exchange of looks with Sander, before he reached out and held his boyfriend’s hand again.

“So you’re eh... in college then? From what I hear?” Ilse said, in order to break the tension a bit. 

Sander nodded and smiled proudly. “Yes. I study at the Academy. At campus Mutsaard.”

“Art, well...” Peter sighed, and Sander frowned a bit. “Yeah. It’s a passion of mine.” he said defensively. He had done so before. Many people in his own family doubted him, so it wasn’t the first time he had to defend his own artistic choices. 

“No no, I don’t mean anything by it.” Peter waved. “Just... it’s different.”

“Different is good sometimes too, dad.” Robbe cut in. He smiled at Sander. “Different is better than burning yourself out at an 9 to 5 office job, like uncle Bas.”

Peter looked up at that and then he rolled his eyes. Oh yes, his overambitious older brother who now found himself having to start a new career at age 50. If there was one thing Peter could agree with, it was that those type of stories were a result of lacking the passion and drive one needed to do a job for that many years. 

“Fair point, son.” Peter commented. 

Robbe smiled, then occupying himself with his sparkling water once it arrived, watching the bubbles float up, consuming the accepted silence as everyone focussed on their glasses for good minute or so. 

Robbe knew the night would be filled with him being the scale to balance his parents out long enough so they could leave at the end of the night without disliking each other more than they already did.

On the other hand, he was also expecting to be cross-examined about his relationship. And he was proven right when Peter looked up while cutting his steak. “So, how long have you two been together then? The academy and high school, I don’t see much overlap there...”

“A mutual friend, wasn’t it?” Ilse cut in, looking at Robbe. “The girl that was friends with Jana?” she said. 

Robbe looked at Sander, and tried to make sure he knew he did not describe the story to his mom that way. Sander nodded, then turned to answer Peter’s question. “Britt. She is actually my ex-girlfriend. Invited me along to a...”

“A party.” Robbe cut in. Sander paused, but turned to his food instead of looking at Robbe with a questioning look. “A halloween party.”

“So, since halloween then? Two months?” Peter asked. 

Robbe sighed, feeling disappointed in himself when he nodded. “Something like that.”

He would explain later. He would explain to Sander why he didn’t want to mention the beach trip, and that his mom knew more of the story. 

“And you said ex-girlfriend?” Peter asked. 

Sander was still focussing on the food, trying to convince himself there was an explenation for why they were telling this story and not the real one. He knew sometimes it didn’t feel right to go into all the dark details. He knew he was guilty of it himself, when the assault happened. He knew that his own silence about the subject was also with reason.

“Yes. She goes to Robbe’s school.” Sander confirmed. 

He knew it wasn’t the answer Peter was after, but it was the answer he would give. Because as much as he was there to make a good impression on Robbe’s parents, he didn’t owe them an explenation about his sexuality. 

Knives and forks scraped over plates for a few minute after that, until most of their plates were emptied of the star quality contents on it, and they awaited their order for the dessert.

“How are things with your friends, Robbe? Will they be stopping by at the house, by any chance?”

Robbe nodded and smiled. “Yeah, Jens will help out with the move. Milan and Moyo might also show up. But Aaron had a date with his girlfriend so you won’t see him.”

“Ive been hearing lots of good things from Milan. I’m looking forward to meeting him.”

“Thats... the guy from the apartment, right?” Peter asked. Robbe nodded, recalling his dad met a different version of Milan than the one he had been telling his mom about.

“He’s a good young man. Seemed to be very responsible when I met him at the viewing of the apartment.”

Ilse nodded at her husband, and raised her eyebrow at Robbe once Peter was distracted by the incoming dessert.

“Your dad has no idea, does he?” Sander grinned as he leaned in to whisper in Robbe’s ear, and Robbe shook his head. “He doesn’t have to. And...” he touched Sander’s leg and bit his lip. “I will explain things later, okay?”

Sander gave him an assuring nod and then they all expressed their amazement at the decadence of the dessert course.

“Are you all set for tomorrow then? Do you need me to come by and help out with any heavy furniture?” Peter asked. Robbe looked up and shook his head. 

“We got it covered.”

“I’m on standby in case they do need extra hands. But with the exams coming up I can’t be there the entire day, unfortunately.” Sander said. Which sucked, because he would’ve loved anything else than to read chapters upon chapters of his art history syllabus.

“It’s okay, dad. You don’t have to help.” Robbe repeated. Peter then nodded and looked over at Ilse.

“I still have the key. If you do ever need me to stop by, I can be there in just 45 minutes and I...”

Robbe sighed and shook his head. He was tired of this. Tired of the false promises, and of his dad to continue to backtrack on his actions all the time. It was confusing. And neither of them needed more of that in their lives. 

“When are you guys getting a divorce?” he spat out, like he’d been wanting to for months now. He thought this dinner would bring it forward, but he could tell his dad was still trying to make his mom believe that she needed him. And that wasn’t the case. Not anymore. Not after he abandoned her. 

“Divorce?” Peter frowned. “Ilse, did you set him up for this? Son, why are you asking that?”

“Because it’s obvious to a 16 year old that it’s the thing you both need to be able to move on with your lives. You chose to leave. Why can’t you just stick with that, dad? I mean, you’ll always be my dad but I’m moving back in with mom tomorrow. And she is doing great. And the best thing you could do for both of us is getting a divorce.”

“Robbe, how about we discuss this later?” Ilse said. 

It was only then that Robbe realized Sander sitting next to him uncomfortably, and Robbe cursed under his breath. 

“Yeah, I think tonight was eventful enough as it is. I’ll go ask the bill.” Peter said. 

The speed at which he excused himself from the table and made his way to the waitor was obvious, and Robbe dropped his head beneath his shoulders. 

“Sorry mom, I..”

“No, no you don’t have to apologize. You’re... you’re right. We should’ve done that. I should’ve done that. Your dad is a very complicated man and the situation is very complex too but I agree. It’s just... Maybe it’s better if you leave that to the adults, okay?”

“Well it’s not like I have much of my childhood left anymore. I just... I want it to be more clear where things stand. I just...”

He groaned in frustration, and felt Sander’s hand on his shoulders, which caused him to let go of some of the tension. And despite the fact that it was unfavorable to talk about this subject with people who weren’t family, Robbe was glad Sander was there.

“We should go.” Sander then spoke, and Ilse nodded. She knew the we Sander spoke of was in mutual agreement when she saw her son sigh in relief, and nod in agreement. 

“Just... tell dad thanks for the invite. And I get he wants to know how things are going. But I don’t think we need another fancy dinner next time. He can just call me if he wants to know about me. Okay?”

Ilse smiled and got up to hug her son goodbye. “Okay. I will tell him. I see you tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.” Robbe echoed. 

Robbe then turned to Sander and took his hand as they walked back to the entrance of the restaurant, just as he saw his dad was on the way back. Once the cold januari air hit him, Robbe took a shaky breath and then he burried himself in his boyfrien’s shoulder. 

Fuck. He made a mess. 

“It’s okay. I think... partially you had the right to ask. I don’t think you did anything wrong.” Sander said while rubbing Robbe’s back. He knew the approach wasn’t exactly ideal, but given the history it wasn’t weird that Robbe asked about what was gonna happen next.

“Do you want to be alone or do you want me to stay over on the final night. I can, I’d just need to get home early in the morning...” Sander offered. 

Robbe sighed and then let go, shaking his head. “No, no it’s fine. I know we agreed you’d sleep at home tonight. You need to sleep well to absorb all of that info tomorrow.” Robbe said, while touching Sander’s temple. 

It was adorable and Sander melted a bit before they started walking to the tram. “I’ll call you when I get home.” Sander promised as he got onto tram 6. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Thanks, for tonight.”

“Well, the food was really great. That was a plus.” Sander said with a grin. 

Robbe was glad he was at least able to approach the situation with humor, and he gave him a final kiss before he took the tram in the other direction. 

When he got to the flatshare, he could hear Milan and Zoë talk in the kitchen and he made his way over, despite feeling completely exhausted.

It was still his final night at the flatshare. And considering how he ended up there in the first place, a debrief about the last 4 hours spent with his parents seemed like the proper way to end the night with them.


	28. Sunday - 05/01/2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny sidenote, I actually moved to Antwerp on the 2nd and 4th of January so the mention of frozen hands while standing outside the van is in reference to my own experience. Moving tip: avoid doing it while it's 1 degree outside.

Robbe’s old room was an homage to his childhood. His parents had chosen this color wallpaper, and aside from his single bed turning into a double last year, nothing had changed. 

But he had. And walking back into the room with boxes of memories he made over the past few months, that was more obvious than ever. He needed a moment to figure out how he would reconsile the two versions of him living in this room. He was trying to figure out how this space could accurately reflect who he had become. 

Of course Jens was blissfully unaware as he strolled in and started to put the parts of Robbe’s desk in the place where he recalled it had been since he first walked in here. 

“Wait. I... I want my bed there. I’m switching the desk to the window.” Robbe said. Jens frowned and came to stand next to Robbe, seeing what he was seeing to figure out if that was even an option. It seemed like it was. 

“Okay. Now come and help unload the van downstairs first cause my dad can’t stay for long.”

Robbe looked at his best friend who poked his arm, and couldn’t help but think about the night before, and his dad offering to help. He realized that Jens’ dad being here but not Robbe’s was very telling in a way he hadn’t realized himself.

As he made it back down the stairs, he tried to not focus on the guilt from it. He knew it came from years of his father emphasizing his importance in the life of his wife and son, but that in reality they didn’t need him at all. The fact that Gert, Jens’ father, gave him the exact same shoulderbump than he had given Jens, cemented that Robbe had made the right decision asking for help from the family he had always felt at home with.

“Alee, komaan!” Jens then said, hurrying Robbe to grab a hold of his headboard.

Robbe was just standing by the back of the van, but once he jumped out of his thoughts he realized he was actually freezing and they were meant to move furtniture to keep themselves warm without their jackets.

Jens could tell Robbe had realized they were gonna be freezing their fingers off, and he chuckled. “Who even moves in the first week of January.” Jens teased, shaking his head as they finally made it back inside and up the stairs. 

“Shut up.” Robbe laughed.

In the end the plan had to be slightly adjusted, but they got all the furniture in the right place and Jens was throwing stuff in drawers without really paying much attention to what he put where. Not that their of them cared for underwear organization, but Jens in particular was a bit distracted with his task. 

“Robbe?” Jens asked, while Robbe occupied himself plugging his electrical appliances back into the outlets in his room. He hummed a bit distracted, trying to figure out if he’d need an extension cord or not.

“I just wanted to eh... ask you something.” Jens said. He hoped his nerves were hidden enough, while still bringing across the sense of urgency and seriousness he wanted to. When Robbe looked up and gave him a frown that said ‘what are you waiting for’, Jens sighed. 

“I guess I just wanna make sure everything is okay. With you and the boys and stuff. Like... I know you’re back on the youtube channel and the party was cool and all but school is back tomorrow and if you feel like you need some time to...”

“What the fuck Jens.” Robbe cut in, smiling. “Where is this sentimental stuff coming from. You’re so serious?”

Jens cleared his throat and nodded, trying to remember what he thought through in his head on the way over. 

“Yeah well, Robbe, I’ve known you for 10 years and it’s never been so obvious until a few weeks ago but you have this tendency to surpress your emotions. Like... a lot.” Jens explained. “And I’m your best friend and I’m supposed to like... make sure that doesn’t happen at your own expense. So maybe it’s not what you would talk about with other people, maybe it’s not cool to talk about feelings or...”

“Okay, okay... Jens, I got it.” Robbe said, softer than when he interrupted him before. He now understood this was something serious Jens wanted to talk about. So he took a moment to himself, and then nodded.

“I’m okay. Truly. Things are better. And I won’t have trouble going to school.”

“And the stuff with Moyo and Aaron, or Britt being a bitch?”

“Moyo and Aaron were just riding along on a wave. They didn’t know any better. And they’ve both corrected themselves without me having to shut them out of my life. So I’m not really planning on dwelling on that too much. I might even have some spare patience if Aaron asks any of his ridiculous questions again.” Robbe grinned. 

“Right, Aaron and his questions.” Jens mumbled. 

“And Britt...” Robbe sighed. “I don’t think I’ll get rid of her passive agressive shit until graduation. I think Jana used up all her foregiveness for the next 5 years when they became friends again. I think the two of us are doomed for that.” he said. 

Jens looked at Robbe, and shrugged. “I wouldn’t know about that. Britt and I get along.”

Robbe raised his eyebrow and chuckled. “If you think that’s what the beach trip was, then sure.”

Jens frowned and Robbe shook his head. “Not that I’m complaining. Got me and Sander together. But Amber inviting her, her bringing along her hot college boyfriend. Do you not think she saw you and Jana putting your jealousy to rest as a reason to remind you of two years ago?”

Jens thought about that, and Robbe saw he had had lost his best friend to trying to figure out the scheming minds of 16 year old girls, so he decided to return to the task he was focussing on before.

“If it helps, it was probably a subconcious thing. Maybe she would prefer you and Jana not being friends or making each other jealous like last spring. Maybe she just wanted to show that she was doing fine after everything.”

Jens hummed, the reasoning making a lot of sense. But he still wasn’t sure if Britt’s actions were that calculated, or if she just wanted to spend a fun week at the beach. Either way, it was a matter that was taking them away from the subject at hand, which was Robbe dealing with everything when school began. 

“Okay but tomorrow... do you wanna lunch outside of school though?”

“I actually have plans for lunch.” Robbe said, looking a bit guilty. Now he was the one ditching his friends because he was in a relationship.

“Date with Sander?” Jens smirked. Robbe tilted his head. 

“More like me reminding him to eat while he is in his art mindset.” Robbe smiled. “He has exams so he’s pretty busy.”

“Oh so that’s why he’s not here helping you out then.” Jens said. 

Robbe frowned and pointed at Jens. “Says the guy sitting on the bed for the last 6 minutes.”

They then both started laughing, and Jens agreed he should make himself useful so that by the end of the day they could just chill on the couch downstairs with takeout chinese in their laps and the next netflix episode rolling up. 

“You didn’t see crisis, did you? I’m getting caught up for the continuation next week...” Robbe said, and Jens waved in agreement to watch a few episodes of The Flash. He had no hurry to get home anyways, considering his parents would just be dropping the U-word all the time. 

And considering he had no idea what the current plot was on the show, he tuned most of it out and focussed on his food while trying to figure out how he was going to ask Robbe for advice. When the episode ended, Jens got the opportunity to ask. 

“When you first came to me about your dad and the whole living situation....”

“Yeah?” Robbe asked. 

“I know I kind of gave you the option to stay at my place and then I didn’t carry it through. I didn’t carry through on a few things I could’ve done in support.”

Robbe paused chewing on his noodles and emptied his mouth. What was he supposed to say about that? Yes, it felt kind of shitty back then but looking back at it he knew the flatshare was the best sollution he could’ve found. The only thing Robbe regretted was that all the chaos and pain inside him was dragged out for so long. But he wasn’t sure he could put any of that blame on Jens. 

“I just... I needed to talk. To other people. And the fact that I didn’t talk to you was as much on me as it was on you. You were not dealing with all this heavy shit like I was. Your 16 year old brain saw a hot girl and you were...” Robbe snapped his fingers and then shrugged. “So I tried a few times, in the beginning. But then I thought I could just surpress it enough and it would go away. Untill it didn’t. And shit got really bad.”

“That’s when we talked that day?”

Robbe nodded, taking a deep breath. “It was sort of rock bottom at that point. Things weren’t getting better and I knew I still had control over my coming out at that point so that’s when I told you.”

Jens smiled and thought back to the conversation they had at lunch that day. He still recalled the nerves he saw on his best friend, the bags under his eyes from lack of sleep and the way he looked like his head was going to explode from keeping all this stuff in. 

Yet now, the guy sitting next to him was relaxed, in the living room they had spent many hours gaming in, getting frequent texts from his boyfriend and generally having a grip on life. So Jens decided that just for today, he wasn’t going to unload all of his crap. As hypocrite as it was, he knew Robbe deserved a break 

“Okay, let’s get to the final episode then.” Jens said excitingly.


	29. Monday - 06/01/2020 - 08.12

So far for making resolutions, Robbe thought as he walked into his garage and opened up the garage door before grabbing his bike in quick, effecient motions. He had promised himself he would make a bit more time to have breakfast with his mom in the morning. However the flatshare dynamic was still embedded in his morning routine and before he knew it he was quickly putting some food in his mouth and heading out the door in a rush. 

Robbe was already halfway down his route when he had to stop at the traffic lights and he took the time to grab out his phone and sending a quick message to his mom saying he had gone to school. “Can’t hurt” he mumbled to himself.

He then watched the light jump back to green and continued his journey, finally arriving at the school 4 minutes later and with 2 minutes to spare, quickly dropping off his bike before meeting Yasmina in their bio classroom. 

“Morning.” she smiled as Robbe stumbled into his seat. “Hey.” Robbe replied. 

“Had a good break?” Yasmina asked. Robbe looked up and smiled. How could he not, thinking back to all the lazy afternoons and the great food. “Yeah, you?”

“It was okay.” Yasmina shrugged. 

Robbe watched as their teacher entered the class. “How so, okay?”

He noticed her usual focus was a bit off, as she was occupied with her phone instead of grabbing out all her coursebooks. Yasmina had been his biology deskmate for many weeks now, and he knew that she was always sharp, even if this course was their first course on monday morning.

Yasmina looked aside and gave Robbe a look that warned him it wasn’t really his business, and so he nodded and turned to grab out his books. Then, just as the teacher greeted the classroom, Yasmina sighed. “Anyways the party at the beginning of the break was lots of fun.” Yasmina said.

Now she was smiling at him, but Robbe still couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a little forced and overall it felt like a welcome change of subject rather than something that needed to be said. Because she had already texted him the next day saying she had a great time. 

Then, before Robbe could reply the teacher started listing a series of topics they would be covering these next few weeks, and he didn’t really find the right moment to comment on it for the remainder of their biology class. 

But something about their conversation stuck in his head. Maybe it was because he had started to pay more attention to the people around him. But he couldn’t just shrug it off. 

He was roaming through the hall between fifth and sixth course when he saw Luca further down the hall and he quickly sped up his pace. 

“Luca. Hey.”

“Robbe-boy! Good to see you weren’t crushed under your warderobe while moving.” she said excitingly. “You know... warderobe... closet...” she winked. 

Robbe looked at her and then he decided to politely smile before he got to the point. 

“I just wanted to check... It might just be because it’s Monday but it feels like everyone is in a crap mood today. Did something happen, maybe? Like, with Yasmina and Zoë?” who had also looked at him funny when she saw her at the locker corridor.

Luca frowned and shook her head. “No. I mean, I haven’t had class with Zoë today but I saw Yasmina earlier at Dutch and she seemed fine. Why?”

Robbe sighed and readjusted his backpack. 

“I thought maybe Yasmina tried to get Zoë to talk. And when I tried that, I kind of got punched in the face a bit, metaphorically. So I thought maybe that had happened.” Robbe explained.

Luca sighed and shook her head. “No, that’s not it. Zoë doesn’t really partake in our conversations much these days. If Yasmina tried talking to her, I didn’t know about it.”

Robbe nodded, then recalling he was on a bad record with his french teacher and the second bell was about to ring any moment. 

“Okay, well... I hope everything works out. If there’s anything I can do, let me know. I gotta go. Bye.” he said, before dashing off to the second floor.

It was about all the girl drama he could handle for the day before he silently slipped into the classroom and took his seat next to Jens, seconds before the teacher started taking attendance. 

“Close call, dude.” Jens whispered, and Robbe just dropped his head on his backpack realizing they were doing french literature today as the teacher asked if everyone had their book.

“Mine must have ended up in the bottom of the pile with the move.”

Jens sighed and looked up at their teacher, before sliding his over to Robbe’s desk and lifting his hand. 

“Forgot mine at home.” Jens admitted falsely, and when the teacher clicked her tongue, Jens gave her his best apologetic look.

“You’re lucky we’re not reading any chapters yet today then. I won’t give you a note for it. But bring it for class on Wednesday.”

“Will do.” Jens promised, before looking at Robbe with a warning look. 

It wasn’t the first time Jens had covered for Robbe like this. And they both know Robbe wouldn’t have gotten away with a comment unlike Jens, who had been the teacher’s favorite ever since the start of the year. 

“Yeah yeah, I’ll have it on wednesday.” Robbe promised Jens in return, before he put on his best studious face as the teacher introduced the theme of the book.


	30. Tuesday - 07/01/2020 - 08.09

Sander got off his bike and leaned it against the street lantern before he grabbed out his phone eagerly. It was still fairly dark out at this point in the morning so the light of his phone was a bit bright at first.

[I’m outside] he texted, before he looked up at the house. He smiled, taking note of the curtains that were still closed and the somewhat neglected driveway before his attention gets drawn by the door opening. Except it wasn’t his boyfriend greeting him. 

“Hi. Robbe is in the garage, he will be right there.” Ilse smiled. 

Sander smiled back and nodded, before he saw Robbe appear onto the driveway, looking a bit confused. 

“Eh, bye mom?” Robbe said, questioning why she was even there in the first place. Then he recalled he left in a hurry yesterday and only sent out a quick message so he realized he couldn’t be mad. Embarassed was more accurate to what he was feeling. 

He then got to where Sander was waiting for him, and he noticed the grin on his boyfriend’s face.

“What’s wrong?” Sander said with a chuckle, and Robbe rolled his eyes and urged his boyfriend onto his bike. 

“Nothing. Nothing, just... my mom and I had breakfast and I told her you were picking me up. Didn’t plan on her standing on our driveway while she was in her bathrobe.” Robbe said. “But she is a fan of yours.” 

Sander was amused by that, and he drove his bike impractically close to Robbe’s so he could pull him in for a kiss. “I’m a fan of hers too. She is the artist of my favorite masterpiece. You.”

In typical Sander fashion, his cheesy stuf set off banter between the two of them on the road. And maybe them cycling to school together caused for them to be a little bit less attentive while on the intersection but in the end they made it across the Ring safe and sound.

When they got off their bikes next to the Sint-Willebordus church they both seemed to be a bit reluctant. It was clear to both of them that seeing each other in the mornings was just a brief joy compared to the long day of being apart. Yet they were determined to make the most of the time they had. 

“Are you ready for the exam?” Robbe asked, his hands on Sander’s shoulders who is slightly below him leaning against the bikerack.

Sander bit his lip and looked away. “I don’t know.”

Robbe sighed and ran his hand through Sander’s hair. “That’s okay. A ten is a pass, right?” Robbe smiled. 

It was the attitude that he had learned most college students had. But when Sander seemed pained, Robbe realized he may have been wrong. 

“I’m not just studying to pass and get a piece of paper though. I actually wanna express my passion with these courses. I just... don’t have a passion for art history.”

Robbe hummed and sighed deeply, the cold air feeling fresh in his lungs. “Well however the exam goes, I’m proud of you either way. And maybe you can tell me about it tonight? We’ve already established my mom loves you so I’m sure she’d love to have you over for dinner...” Robbe suggested.

Sander looked up and saw the hope in Robbe’s eyes at the prospect of them spending more time together later in the day, and the thought of disappointing him killed him inside.

“I really have to finish this project though. It’s due on Thursday.” Sander said, voice laced in regret as he watched the people walk by, looking anywhere but Robbe. But then he did look, and he could tell Robbe was trying not to look too dissappointed as a soft ‘oh’ escaped his lips. 

“But later this week, maybe? I don’t have an exam on Friday so I can come over Thursday?” Sander offered. “You can show me your room?” he then added, playfully pinching Robbe’s side.

To that, Robbe smiled and he quickly nodded, before pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. He loved when they could compromise like this.

“Okay. I’ll message you when I get out of the exam. You... should go.” Sander said, looking at the other students making their way to the school in a bit of a faster pace now. Clearly it was getting close to the first bell.

“Fuck. Yes. Okay.” Robbe said, before pressing another kiss to his boyfriend’s lips, then getting on his bike again. “Love you, and good luck.”

“Thanks baby. Have fun.” Sander winked back. 

As he watched Robbe head to the school across the intersection, he sighed in reminiscence of old times when getting to class on time was the biggest of his morning worries. Now there was meds and doctor sessions. 

A part of him knew he needed it though. His old relationship and his new one overlapping, only to be followed by an episode and then subsequently a month of exams, it was taking a lot out of him. But he was determined, and as he got on his bike on his way to school he tried to remember that he only had to get through today. Day by day, minute by minute.


	31. Wednesday - 08/01/2020 - 21.23

“Okay no, that is not how it happened.” Aaron said, shaking his head from left to right. 

“It kind of was. Like a suction cup.” Moyo laughed. 

“It just totally came out of nowhere, Aaron. Everyone was shocked.” Robbe commented. 

Aaron crossed his arms and continued to shake his head. “You know what? You’re all just jealous. Cause I get to kiss a girl on a regular basis now.” 

Jens tilted his head and exchanged a look with Moyo, before turning to Robbe who held up his hands because it wasn’t his area of expertise anymore. “Touché.” Jens admitted, opening another can of soda.

When it spilled a bit on the floor, most likely because Moyo had been shaking them behind their backs, Robbe rolled his eyes and he instructed him on getting toilet paper from the bathroom. And as Jens and Moyo got to work on cleaning up the floor, Aaron poked Robbe’s arm to indicate an incoming call on his phone. 

“Behave.” Robbe said, as he got up and walked to the halway, taking a seat at the top of the stairs. 

“Hi.” Sander spoke from the other side of the line. 

“Hey.”

“Just got back from my session so I had a few minutes on my bike until I got home.”

Robbe smiled at that, then realizing Sander couldn’t see that.

“I like that you called. The boys are here but they’re making a mess in their room so I’m having them clean it up right now.” Robbe said, while he leaned back a bit so he could see the hallway and his room through the door that was ajar. 

Of course they weren’t cleaning it up.

“Oh so they get to see your new room before I do then?” Sander spoke, and Robbe chuckled. Of course this would be a thing. 

“Yeah but you’re the only one who gets to sleep over. We still on for tomorrow?” Robbe asked. 

Sander’s breathing became a little less heavy when he had to stop at a red light. “Yes, of course. And... I’m sorry I didn’t have time today.” Sander said. “I just didn’t want to cancel a session and I -”

“Sander, I get it. It’s okay. Stop feeling bad for spending time on your studies and your health. We’ve been over this, I understand.”

Even though Robbe was the one who was new to relationships, it hadn’t taken long for him to conclude that Sander had spent way to much time apologizing when he was dating other people.

“Besides, you’re here in spirit. The boys and I have been listening to Bowie this afternoon.”

Sander laughed on the other end, and judging by the windy background sound, Robbe asumed he was moving again.

“Really?”

“Yes. In homage. Cause my social media informed me it’s his birthday.”

Sander smiled softly and tilted his head. Did he know that? He knew that, right? Probably. What date was it even? He cursed to himself, making the mental note to find something cool to put on insta as soon as he was done with his project for the night. If he was ever done.

“Sounds like you’re having a good time.” Sander spoke, while he took a left turn into the street where he lived. “I’m almost home now so I gotta go.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“Love you too.” Sander replied. He then tucked away his phone and put his bike in its place before he hurried himself to his room to get back to finishing the project.

That’s when he got a notification from his phone, and when he looked he saw a screenshot from Robbe’s spotify list indicating they were listening to Rebel Rebel.

Next, a notification from Milan appeared.

[Hey, Sander! I’m having a post-exam get-together on the 24th. Are your exams done by then?]

Sander frowned and checked his calendar, seeing his final exam was on the 22nd.

[Seems like it. Will there be other people?]

Sander assumed Milan knew other people aside from Robbe and his friends. If this was an end-of-exam party, there were probably going to be other people who were in college or university. 

[Senne is still a risk, so I’m hoping he and Zoë have made up by then. And some people from class. You can bring Robbe, of course.] Milan replied. 

[I will check and get back to you later, okay?] Sander replied, biting his lip.

He didn’t like people’s tendency not to commit to certain things. But seeing how he wasn’t sure what the rest of the month would bring, he felt like it was better to play it safe this month. But he would consider it for sure. If only for the fact that Milan did everything right after his most recent episode, to the point of playing boardgames with him.

[Sounds great! 😉 ]

Sander smiled at the wink and then put his phone upside down on his desk, pulling out one of his other textbooks for what seemed to be an all-nighter.


	32. Thursday - 09/01/2020 - 12.14

Jana was walking up to ‘de walvis’ and grabbed out her phone. She was just on time, but she could already see Yasmina and Luca by the window. Jana then opened up the messenger app. Zoë and Britt were at the top of her list, and she decided to message Zoë first.

[You sure you’re not joining us at ‘de walvis’?]

Jana walked over to the table and sat down. By the time she did, she saw Zoë had already replied. 

[Can’t, have to go back home to pick up my English textbook...]

With a sigh, Jana put her phone down on the table. So much for that attempt. Which had been the fourth time she had tried to get Zoë to hang out with them since they had returned back to school. Admitedly, Jana was right there when Zoë realized during morning break that she had forgotten her textbook. But usually Zoë would’ve suggested Jana to come along while she picked it up at her place, and they’d grab a sandwhich on the way. 

Now, it felt like everything Jana tried, Zoë was pushing away.

“Zoë’s not coming?” Yasmina asked, and Jana shook her head. “Nope. She has to go to get her English textbook at home.”

“Amber went to the gym.” Luca said. “Said she gained too much weight over the holidays.”

Jana and Yasmina exchanged a look, and Luka nodded. “Yes, yes, I know. It’s not healthy. But I can’t drag her with us against her will, right?”

Fair point, Jana thought. Just like she couldn’t get Zoë to talk until she was ready to. 

She then looked at the menu, although she had already made up her choice on the walk over here and she placed her order, then looking back at her friends. “So I heard your economics project did really well. You got a bunch of orders?”

Yasmina’s face beamed proudly, and she looked over at Luka. They gave each other a high five. “Best team in our class.” Luca grinned.

“With Robbe and Aaron, of course.” Yasmina added. Not that she felt like they were overdue with credit. They both did their fair share of the work. But she still felt as if they wouldn’t have gotten as good of a grade if it wasn’t for her and Luka’s hustle. 

“That’s great.” Jana said, before taking a sip from the drink that just arrived. 

“And everything else?” Jana asked while hiding behind her glass. The question was directed at Yasmina, and Luca looked away awkwardly. 

Yasmina frowned. “Yes, Jana? Something you wanna ask? Both of you?”

Luca cleared her throat and looked at Jana who was the bravest of the two of them, but then turned to Yasmina herself. 

“You haven’t really... said much about your break. And you seem a bit...”

When Luca hesitated to continue, Yasmina looked at her in challenge. Which was a battle Luca couldn’t win, and Yasmina nodded. “Exactly. So let’s talk about something else.”

Of course she wanted to talk to her friends about this. But opening up to them meant they would have to be willing to talk about subjects they weren’t entirely comfortable with. And so if they couldn’t even ask her directly what was going on, she felt like they weren’t ready to have that conversation yet.

“I got something.” Jana said. “Jens’ moving party. He mentioned it, but it seems kind of sad if he throws it for himself. So I was thinking we could throw it for him? And you guys are so great at economics, so I need your help.”

“I’m so in.” Luca said while giving Jana a high-five. Every excuse for a party, or to change the subject from the iron curtain Yasmina had put up, would do. “When is it?”

To that, Jana’s exciting smile dropped, and she frowned. “I don’t know. It’s not certain if he’s actually moving yet.”

“Huh?” Yasmina asked. “Yet you already wanna throw a party? Get a venue, arrange invites.... When you don’t know if it’s happening?”

Yasmina’s voice of reason hit Jana, and she realized she would need to find out if the move was actually happening, before she did anything else. 

“You’re right. I will check later today and let you know.”

Yasmina hummed, and Jana then smiled excitingly when her lunch appeared, and the girls resumed to enjoy their delicious lunch.


	33. Thursday - 09/01/2020  - 15.48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are we all recovered from the valentine's day instagram posts of our favorite characters?   
> Time to dive into the next chapter then! Enjoy.

Thursday seemed to go by impossibly slow at school, with English as their final class being the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet still, sitting through the 50 minutes was a task Robbe was considering not completing, especially when Sander texted that he’d be waiting by the school gate and it made Robbe bounce his leg in his chair. 

When the bell finally rang to indicate the end of the day, he couldn’t be more quick to get to his locker and he hurried to grab his bike. Then he got through the front entrance of the school, and he spotted Sander leaning against the bus stop a bit further down. 

He was focussed on his phone, distracted, probably not expecting Robbe to pull Barry Allen worthy efforts to get there as fast as possible. But then, as if Sander could read minds he looked up and Robbe walked towards him, smiling. 

Their lips met in a kiss and it wasn’t the first time this happened in front of the school entrance, but it was still a big thing considering Robbe hadn’t been out for that long. And also considering how they got cut off last time. So when Sander broke the kiss sooner than expected, Robbe figured Britt was probably on his mind. The last thing they wanted was to repeat that, even if things were different now.

“Kom. We should head over to my house.” Robbe decided, not dwelling on the past and moving on to the prospect of showing Sander where he had grown up. He was excited for it. That and dinner with his mom, where two important people in his life got to meet properly without all the formalities of a restaurant or his father’s pressence.

“This is it.” Robbe said after a short bikeride. “My childhood home.”

Sander smiled, leaning his bike against the wall like Robbe did. Unlike earlier this week when he patiently waited on the driveway, he was now following Robbe along through the back yard, and they entered in the kitchen. 

“Mom?” Robbe yelled out, only to find a note on the kitchen counter saying she was getting medecine at the pharmacy. Robbe nodded, and then turned back to Sander. Suddenly, the prospect of having the house to themselves made this whole afternoon more exciting.

“What’s that grin, Ijzermans?” Sander asked, and Robbe decided to kiss the smirk from Sander’s face, trapping his boyfriend between himself and the kitchen counter behind him in a bold move. 

But it paid off, as Sander immediatly got a hold of Robbe’s hips and pulled him closer in encouragement. Robbe took this as a confirmation to continue, and he started kissing away from his mouth, attaching his lips to Sander’s neck. And just like that, a switch is flipped.

Moments later Robbe urged Sander on the counter. Their breathing was hot and fast and Robbe could feel the blood rush to the point where he just needed to get their clothes off right now. 

He felt torn between that and more kissing, when the choice for neither was made instead upon hearing a car roll onto the driveway. 

“Fuck.” Robbe groaned, burrying his face in Sander’s shoulder and suddenly pausing his movements. It took Sander a while until he saw why Robbe suddenly stopped.

“My mom’s here.” Robbe explained, stepping away from Sander and the counter and pointing at the window on the side of the kitchen. As a kid he had learned to time the seconds between the car getting on the driveway and his parents walking through the door. There were rougly 12. 

Ilse walked by the window surprised to see the both of them. Then, Sander’s eyes landed on Robbe again and he saw the blush on his cheeks. 

“To be continued, then...” Sander smiled, before he turned to the same door they entered in.

“You boys are home early.” Ilse said, before she quickly pulled at one of the drawers and put three little boxes in there while not drawing attention to them. But Sander couldn’t help but recognize the one with the green packaging. 

“Yeah I wanted to give Sander the tour before dinner. What are we eating, by the way?”

“Brocolli and rice casserole with cheesesauce. Sander, you’re not vegan, right?” Ilse asked. ”It’s veggie, but not vegan.”

“Eh no. No it’s okay. Sounds delicious, actually.”

Ilse smiled and then looked at her son before she ran her hand through his hair. “Robbe, you can’t go to school looking like that. Either get a haircut or look in the mirror in the morning.” she commented. 

Robbe didn’t feel like explaining to her that was due to the heavy makeout session she almost walked in on, so he just nodded in agreement while giving Sander a warning look not to make any teasing comments about it. 

“So, eh... this is the kitchen.” he then said, returning to the task at hand which was showing Sander the house. Thinking about it, he realized it was semi-ridiculous that they hadn’t been able to focus on that at all, and that their desire was bigger than completing a simple task like a house tour first. 

God, they really were that couple, weren’t they...

He decided to get this over with quickly, and walked over to the rest of the house.

“Dining area with...”

“Pictures of you as a baby?” Sander said, while pointing at the picture frames on the dresser. He moved over there quickly, zooming in close of one with Robbe at the Antwerp zoo, holding a parrot on his shoulder. “Look at you.” Sander said in awe.

“Yes yes, cute kid, I know.” Robbe said rolling his eyes.

“The cutest!” Ilse shouted from the living room. 

Right, she was still there, Robbe thought. “Thanks mom!”

Sander chuckled and grabbed Robbe’s closer by his waist while his mom was out of sight. “Move faster.” he whispered, before kissing the spot behind Robbe’s ear. 

Robbe felt like he was floating, standing in the middle of his house. But then again he should have known to expect this. Sander was the biggest flirt, so this four hour in advance foreplay session was really nothing Robbe should be surprised by. And he would like it too. If his mom wasn’t in the room next door.

So he cleared his throat, giving Sander a warning look before he stepped out of the narrow space between them and walked over to the living room. 

“Living room. Super comfy couch. Movie collection, although I’ve seen every single one already.” he said, gesturing to the wall-mounted piece of furniture that displayed all the blue-ray's they owned. He had tried his best to convince his parents that even blue-ray wasn’t a thing anymore in 2020, but despite his best efforts they were still there. Maybe it was because each little plastic box contained a memory of them watching that movie together. Maybe it was his dad thinking they would be worth something in the future. 

“Maybe the two of us should make a movie together then?” Sander whispered when he once again got close to Robbe, this time standing right behind him. It startled Robbe a bit, because he thought the warning look he gave Sander earlier was clear enough.

“Not here, Sander. My mom is cooking for us right there.” he said with a grin. “Can you keep it in your pants until tonight?”

Sander looked at Robbe, and smiled flirtuously. “I can do that.”

He then looked up as Ilse appeared in the living room. “Dinner should be ready at 5.15.” she announced. Then she made her way back to the kitchen, leaving the boys alone again.

“Anything else you need to show?” Sander asked, and Robbe shook his head before grabbing Sander’s hand and dragging him along with him to the couch. “Let’s just chill for a bit.”

And Sander had to admit, the couch was really comfy. Nothing like the leather couch his parents had, and looking at Robbe he smiled at the way he was totally fitting into the picture. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Robbe relax on the couch before. Just chilling, swiping on his phone or listening to some music. In fact, Sander took pride in knowing that Robbe had been able to be his most relaxed and open self when he was around him. But this wasn’t Sander’s doing. This was Robbe’s comfort zone in the shape of a detached house in the residential area of Berchem.

“This is where you watched all those movies then?” Sander asked, wrapping his arm around Robbe’s shouder. 

Robbe nodded, leaning his head on Sander’s shoulder while looking outside through the large window into the back yard. He remembered their sunday afternoon movies. Classics, like the Sound of Music or Singing in the Rain. But also movies like Avatar and one of the Avenger films had been watched from this very spot on the couch.

Robbe then looked up at Sander and gave him a soft smile. “Movie nights were kind of what brought us together as a family.” he said. 

Sander looked at the tv and then at the clock on the wall. He recalled Ilse saying 5.15, but he wasn’t sure if that was a mistake. 

“We’re actually eating in half an hour? Or did your mom get the time wrong?” Sander asked. “Cause we could watch a movie if you wanted to...”

Robbe sighed and shook his head, turning to Sander a bit more. “Yeah no. She... she takes her meds on certain times of the day and some of them she had to take with dinner and stuff. It’s a set routine, that helps her. It’s new, but if it works for her I’m good with it. Is it okay for you?” 

Sander nodded and smiled, before pulling his boyfriend in for a kiss. “Yeah sure, it’s fine. Just checking. So how about a movie after dinner?”

“I think that’d be great.” Robbe nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comment or kudos are greatly appreciated! Hope you like this little Valentine's day chapter!


	34. Friday - 10/01/2020 - 1.03

It was 1AM and they were still in each other’s arms, kissing passionately and switching positions on top of each other every now and then when Sander finally let go of Robbe, resulting in a soft whine. 

“You should sleep. You have school.” Sander argued. 

Robbe groaned and rolled on to his back, away from Sander. Right. School. Sander really knew how to be a total turn off with just those three words. “I could call in sick?” Robbe suggested. He was pretty sure he would get away with it.

“You shouldn’t though. Keep your sick days for when you need them.” Sander said, while softly pushing the hair out of Robbe’s face. Not that he didn’t understand the feeling. Even though his next exam wasn’t until Monday, Sander was looking at a day of finishing off sketches too. And he hated that more than anything, because it was always the final details that he could never get entirely right. A make or break on a piece. And there had been a few breaks so far, causing for a serious set-back in his progress.

“I could go with you, to school tomorrow?” Sander offered.

Robbe sighed and turned his head, before closing his eyes in defeat. “No It's okay. That will only make it harder.” he explained. Then, he thought about something. “I mean, unless you wanna leave right away tomorrow morning. Which is... totally fine. I don’t want things to be awkward with my mom here.” 

Sander smiled and thought of how they’d spent the evening with Robbe’s mom, the easy conversation they had during dinner and the movie they watched afterwards. The way she made her son just a tiny bit embarrassed, but it was in the spirit of being a loving mother so she couldn’t be faulted for it.

Sander typically wasn’t a fan of adults, because he always felt like he lost his sense of agency. As if them walking around on the planet a few years longer made them better at knowing everything.

“Well I’ve already seen her in her bathrobe. And she adores me. So I don’t think it would be awkward.” Sander smiled. 

“So then you wanna sleep in?” Robbe guessed. “When I wake up to go to school, should I just let you sleep?”

Sander shrugged and then nodded. “That sounds great, yeah.”

Robbe frowned and thought it over. It had happened often at the flatshare. Sander would just chill in his room while he got some groceries around the corner or went to school or took a shower. It wasn’t very weird then. 

In its essence, this wasn’t very different. Except it meant that his mom and his boyfriend might run into each other in the morning. And he felt like he could deal with that.

“Okay. Yeah. Eh, if you need breakfast stuff in the morning I have cereal. It’s in the cabinet on the right next to the window.” 

Sander took note of that with a small nod, and then urged Robbe to put his head back down on the pillow. “Got it. Now go to sleep. I won’t be responsible for your lack of concentration in class tomorrow.” Sander said with a smile. 

He knew he would partially be responsible if Robbe would be distracted. But he would rather have that be because of his skills in the bedroom instead of depriving his boyfriend of his beauty sleep. 

When Robbe eventually yawned, Sander thought it was adorable and they both knew there was no point to the conversation anymore so Robbe settled himself in the bed, and felt his eyes becoming heavy. 

“You know I love you right?” Robbe said.

“Love you to. Goodnight baby.” Sander said, unsure if Robbe even heard it anymore. He pressed a soft kiss to the top of Robbe’s head for good measure.

Sander waited a while until Robbe’s breathing evened out and he melted into the mattress, letting him know he had fallen asleep before he cautiously moved to the edge of the bed. All the while looking over his shoulder he put on a pair of sweatpants and got up, cursing internally when the floor creaked just a tiny bit under his feet. 

Then he lifted his head, taking in the room basking in the bright moonlight. He walked over to the doorframe, tracing his fingers on the lines on it. ‘7 jaar’, ‘8 jaar’ all the way up to ‘15 jaar’ and Sander couldn’t help but imagine Ilse trying to convince Robbe to take his measurements and Robbe asking her if they couldn’t just stop doing that. 

Sander would have to mention that the mark for 16 was still messing, only to see the annoyed face Robbe had when he was confronted with his youth.

Sander then caught one of the pictures on the dresser in the corner of his eye, and he recalled the lack of pictures at the flatshare. But Sander loved seeing them. He loved these little glimpses into the world of the boy he fell in love with, from before they met. 

He had seen up close who Robbe had pretended himself to be. He knew the mask, and had put himself in the line of fire trying to pull it away. But there was so much more still to be discovered.

Which was funny because Sander wasn’t much older than Robbe was now when he decided to keep all those close and personal things to himself. When he took his previous instagram account down and bought a bottle of hair dye and started the evolution into becoming who he was today.

It was better for him that way, he had concluded over the last few months. And it wasn’t until he broke things off with Britt that he had realized how much she was trying to force him to open up again. To unveil that past he tried to shield her from. As if she was walking up to the door that was closed shut with a crowbar and tools to pry it open by force.

Sander knew he didn’t have to worry about that with Robbe. Robbe wanted Sander now, with no detailed explanations or intricate elaborations on his story. Yet at the same time, Sander felt like he could share it with him any time he would want to, and he would still be accepted and loved in return. And that feeling, the fact that his story would be safe with the boy he loved, was one of the most reassuring things in the world. 

The only thing that could beat it, was actually telling the story to him. And as their relationship grew, Sander was more confident that day would come.

Until then, they took their time and Robbe offered small glimpses of himself to him. Like the anecdotes he had shared over dinner with his mom. Or his multiverse theory they had talked about weeks ago. And now Sander was roaming around Robbe’s room, seeing how he literally grew over the years. 

Sander moved on from the pictures on the dresser to the desk, where he took a seat on the chair. Robbe had told him his bed used to be positioned here, and Sander smiled to himself because it was the place in the room where a closeted teen who first got a double bed would decide to put it. That Robbe was not anticipating for his boyfriend to stay over during the night. This one was. And he was really glad about that.


	35. Friday - 10/01/2020 - 07.47

Sander woke up to the sound of the shower being switched on, and his senses told him he was in a strange environment even before he had opened his eyes. 

When he did, he looked at the ceiling of Robbe’s room, and he took a deep breath in to calm himself down. He turned to his side, breathing in the scent of the pillow next to him. As his hand roamed the bed, he found nothing but the warm imprint Robbe’s body had left, and Sander listened to the sounds coming from the bathroom. 

He smiled happily knowing Robbe was fine with him sleeping a bit more, and so sleep overtook him again and his eyes closed for another 15 minutes. 

He woke again when he felt the bed dip and Robbe’s soft kiss on his cheek. Sander urged himself into conciousness, his hand touching Robbe’s arm.

“Meet me out front of school this afternoon? I wanna show you what I’ve been working on.” Sander said in a voice laced with sleep. 

He was only really half awake, and the sight was adorable to Robbe, who hummed. “Okay, sure. I’ll be there at 4.15 then.” he said, before he got back off the bed and grabbed his backpack.

Sander listened, his ears more focussed than his eyes could be at this moment and he heard Robbe say good morning to his mom, and telling her about Sander still being in the room. He couldn’t hear Ilse’s reply, and the rest of their conversation was too quiet for him to hear so he only imagined they were smiling and eating breakfast as he fell into slumber again.

Two hours later, Sander woke up again and tasked himself with breakfast too. He remembered Robbe’s instructions on where to find the cereal, before pouring himself a little bowl. He saw Ilse busy in the back yard, and waved at her to which she waved back.

Then he got back to Robbe’s room and collected his things onto his bag, before hopping on his bike. Despite the fact that it was 10am, Antwerp city traffic never really died down that much so Sander paid attention on the road before he finally got to the university neighbourhood where he manouvred the wheels of his bike on the cobblestones. When he finally got to school, he put his bike in the bike storage next to the building and headed inside.

When he got up to the attic, he sighed in relief when his favorite room was available, and he settled in to apply the final details to the pieces he had to work on.

Some time passed when he suddenly heard a knock on the door.

“Here you are.” Robbe smiled as he stood in the doorway to one of the artrooms at Sander’s school. He checked his watch and then walked over to where Sander was blinking out of his concentration, then looking the clock. 

“Fuck.” Sander cursed to himself. It was 4.40 and Sander had been so focussed on this piece that he didn’t even realize the entire day had slipped away from him.

“I thought we were going to meet up out front?” Robbe asked as he came to rest a hand on Sander’s shoulder and took a quick look at what Sander was working on. 

"Yes. Yes, sorry, I just... I was working on this but I can’t seem to finish it and I completely lost track of time.” he said, getting up from the chair and taking Robbe’s hands. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to stand you up.”

Sander kept apologizing, and Robbe had to silence him with a kiss. It was effective to erase the guilt from Sander’s face and replace it with a soft smile. 

“Sorry.” he then said in a whisper, and Robbe rolled his eyes . He knew it would take a while before Sander realized Robbe wouldn’t be annoyed by stuff like this. But they were getting there.

“None of that. I... actually like this place. So... how about this plan. You can work on that. And I’m just gonna sit here and listen to some music.” Robbe said, already taking his headphones out of his backpack. He knew Sander not meeting him at the front of the building meant he needed more time to finish his work. And since it was friday night, Robbe had all the time to chill.

He gave Sander a quick look, the opportunity to disagree. But all Sander could do was sigh and nod because yes, that sounded like an amazing idea.

He just couldn’t vocalize it. He couldn’t explain how much it meant to him that Robbe was all about making sure no part of who they were got lost in their relationship together. Sander couldn’t put into words how fundamentally different Robbe was from anyone he had ever met – ever dated. How he felt like everything was so easy when they were together. Like there wasn’t a single thing they couldn’t overcome. Together. 

Sander felt like he was floating every time he was even near this boy. He pressed a final kiss onto Robbe’s lips and then returned to his chair, eyes still on his adorable boyfriend who was now nodding along with the music and scrolling through his phone. Sander could sit there for hours, just watching Robbe. But he eventually stopped looking over his shoulder and focused on the piece in front of him.

Once he was happy with it, he looked over his shoulder again and Robbe caught the movement from the corner of his eye. 

“You can come take a look.” Sander said. He put the three pieces he was going to submit out on the desk in front of him, and felt Robbe approach behind him.

“They’re so good.” Robbe said in a breathy voice. Sander felt a kiss on the top of his head. “So detailed.” He whispered. Then he leaned back again. “And that’s all I’m gonna say because I know you don’t want my artistic opinion. Mia also warned me not to bother, so I’m not gonna pretend I know much about it, don’t worry.”

“Mia?” Sander frowned. Robbe nodded and pointed over his shoulder. “Ran into her in the hallway. She told me you were in this room, which spared me of having to go through this entire building...” Robbe chuckled. 

Sander just beamed and looked around the room. “Well, this one is my favorite room. That’s why…”

“I found you here.” Robbe nodded. He looked around the room, now no longer covered in drawings of himself, and smiled. If he had one artistic bone in his body, he could imagine this would be a cool place to express himself.

Sander observed Robbe, then caught the spot on the floor where he had made a makeshift bed that time. He sighed deeply, trying to keep the memories of that morning from creeping in on him. He needed a change of subject.

“I think I owe you some food now though. Let’s go to Agora. I saw the daily menu earlier and the bagel sounded really delicious.” Sander said.

“Sounds great. Lead the way.” Robbe agreed.


	36. Saturday - 11/01/2020 - 09.10

Zoë smiled as she stepped out of the building, the cold winter air greeting her and for a moment she was taken back to the days in Oslo where she would go for walks on weekend mornings, just like this. Their apartment in Vika had been close to the waterfront, and Zoë enjoyed watching the sunrise reflect on the surface of the fjord. 

That was the reason she was drawn to the riverbank when they moved back to Antwerp. Something about it was so peaceful while you could still feel the buzz of the city. So as soon as Zoë moved into the flatshare she figured out her favorite route to walk to the waterside in under 30 mins. 

Today especially she felt like she could use the cold januari air to clear her head a bit, after she had been locked up inside the apartment every evening in the last week.

Ambitious and not attentive to the shoes she had chosen, she added the city park to her walk. However approaching the oasis of green, she soon realized she had made a mistake to take the detour in new shoes, courtesy of her mom trying to ease her guilt about not being around for the holidays.

She decided to pause, and sat down on one of the benches in the park that had a relative nice view. The park was nothing super spectacular, especially not when you’ve been on Holmenkollen. But it was a nice spot of greenery in the otherwise spiderweb of streets and lanes that made up the city center of Antwerp. Current construction made it a bit harder to drown out the noise of the traffic, but she still decided that for a place to be stranded in, this wasn’t half as bad. 

She stayed for twenty minutes, until deciding she would have to go home eventually and she decided on checking her shoes one more time

“Zoë?” 

Zoë looked up and fixed the baret that had shifted. “Luka.” 

“How bizar. I’m in town to visit family for a few hours yet I’ve already ran into a familiar face again...” Luka laughed. He joined Zoë on the bench, and Zoë really wished he wouldn’t. She then looked down at the box of pastries he had been holding, which he was now placing in between them.

“How is Senne? He hasn’t responded yet to me saying I’m in town. Is he around here somewhere or...?”

Luka scanned the people nearby for a few moments, but couldn’t spot his best friend among them.

“What do you mean?” Zoë frowned. What was happening? Was this a test?

“Oh, is he hungover from last night? I saw he was at a party.” Luka then realized. He was nodding with a grin on his face, mumbling something about the party that had appeared on Senne’s instastory. 

And Zoë just stared at him in disbelief, as he took in the view in front of them. The same view that Zoë had been looking at. But the inner peace and calm it had given her was now bleeding away. She was starting to boil from the inside. And Luka’s ignorance was making it worse.

“What the fuck Luka? We broke up.” she said, looking at him in disgust for whatever prank it was that he was pulling right now. She stood up and swung her bag over her shoulder. “I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, but it’s fucked up.”

She was on her feet immediatly, walking towards the nearest exit of the park. When she approached it she could hear Luka say her name behind her, and when she realized the crossing sign was on red she groaned.

“Zoë wait! I I didn’t know.” 

Luka caught up to her, all those times where he came in first for track during gym class paying off well. 

“Zoë.” he said, trying to convince her to look at him. But she wouldn’t, just staring at the red light until it would jump onto green. By her luck, it wouldn’t for at least another minute. 

“I had no idea. He didn’t tell me. Neither did Jana. I thought you two were still together. I’m sorry.”

Zoë looked at him and rolled her eyes. “Yeah? Well we’re not. So you can leave me alone now, no? What do you have to say to your friend’s ex-girlfriend?”

She couldn’t just stand there anymore. She turned on her heels, and headed 90 degrees to the left, following the pathway that ran paralell to the lane north of the parc. Luka just walked with her. 

“That he’s an ass, probably.” Luka said. When she stopped in her tracks and looked at him with an arched eyebrow he shrugged. 

“What? He is my best friend.But I know he can be an ass. He has never been able to stay loyal to a girl. I thought things might work out with you guys, but I guess he just won’t change...”

“He didn’t cheat, Luka.” Zoë cut in. The entire time she had avoided looking at him. Scared of how when she did, he would see how broken she really felt and that it was her own fault and not Senne’s doing. 

“I broke up with him. And he moved back out. Which, he should have told you.” Zoë said. She then looked to her left and right, to either direction of the path they were on. She didn’t need people to overhear her talking about her break-up, but the joggers at this time in the morning were inevitable. “He wasn’t the reason I broke up with him. Although ever since, I think it was probably for the best.”

Luka sighed and looked down at the ground. This was complex. Much more complex than he signed up for when he agreed to go fetch some patries for the annual tea visit with his grandma. 

“I had no idea. Sorry.” he said, then looking around awkwardly. She had a point. What did he have to say to his best friend’s ex-girlfriend? And was he even still his best friend if he was ignoring his texts and not telling him he broke up with the ‘love of his life’?

“Do you have any idea where he is? I mean, where he’s living?” Luka asked. “Cause I feel like we’re due a talk.”

Zoë sighed deeply and looked at him. “Seriously Luka? No, I don’t know where Senne lives right now. And I don’t care. If you wanna go see him then you figure that out but I don’t want anything to do with him. So now, if it’s all the same to you, I’m going home.”

Luka watched her walk back in the direction of the crossing, and then looked down at the bag of pastries which he was supposed to bring back to his family which included three generations of bakers. 

But right now he had other family to talk to. 

He pulled out his phone with a sigh and called Senne, but he received no answer. When the voicemail tone beeped, Luka left the message telling Senne to call him back. 

Then, he started walking and once he reached the other side of the park he called again. This time he ended the call as soon as it went to voicemail. 

So this was what it was like to be ghosted, he noted. 

He then scrolled back up in his phone and pressed call before putting the phone to his ear again. 

“Hi, Gill. It’s Luka. Where the fuck is Senne?”

On the other side of the line Gill sighed dramatically and turned around, before throwing a pillow at the couch. “Senne? Luka is on the phone.”

“Fuck off Gill.” Senne cursed, pulling the blanket further over his head. 

“He’s not really in a talking mood.” she replied to Luka.

Luka rolled his eyes and started walking again. “I don’t care. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”


	37. Sunday - 12/01/2020 - 18.11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eating fries for dinner was a tradition for me growing up here in Flanders, so I felt like I had to dedicate at least one chapter to it. When the insta dropped I had found the perfect excuse, so here is the chapter on how Robbe and Sander ended up having a date at Frituur No1 on this day.

“Yeah so then we almost ordered the large pack but then Zoë was like ‘no we can’t, cause it’s just the two of us.’ and then we both got upset cause you’re not here to eat fries with us.” Milan said, then moving the camera to show Zoë eating the fries. She was quick to tell him to move the camera out of her face cause she looked horrible, and it was the type of banter Robbe missed since he moved back home.

“You look fine. Say hi to Robbe.” Milan objected.

“Hi Zoë.” Robbe waved. When he got another shot of the food, his mouth started to water a bit and he looked at the clock. He remembered his mom telling him to order take-out because she would be out all evening with her sister, so Robbe was left to fend for himself. 

“Hi Robbe. Oh, before I forget... Did you finish that assignment for maths? Because there was one question where I didn’t get the same answer as the answer sheet.” Zoe asked.

“Eh yes. That was only page 116 right?” Robbe said, scratching the top of his head.

“No, 116 and 117.” Zoë replied. Then she rolled her eyes. “Nevermind, I’ll call Yasmina.”

Robbe threw his head back and sighed. Fuck. He had only done half his homework. But it was currently sunday evening and he really didn’t feel like starting a new set of algebra questions right now. He decided he would finish them tomorrow during lunch, since they didn’t have math until 5th period.

“As you can see, still no improvement.” Milan commented once Zoë was out of hearing distance, pulling Robbe’s focus back to the facetime call.

“Yeah, I can tell.” Robbe said. “But anyways, I gotta go now. I’m starving right now from watching you guys eat so I’m gonna grab something myself. I’ll visit at some point next week, if that’s okay?” 

He was already getting up to walk over to the takeout flyers on the fridge. 

“Or the party in two weeks. Are you coming? Sander hasn’t replied yet...” 

“What party?” Robbe frowned, looking back at the phone. 

“The end of exam party? I invited Sander, but he said he’d check. He hasn’t mentioned it?” Milan asked, the dissappointment barely hidden on his face.

Robbe shook his head. “But he’s been busy with exams. I’ll talk to him. I gotta go.”

“Bye Robbe! Don’t be a stranger.”

“I won’t, bye Milan.” 

He then grabbed the flyer from a kebab place around the corner, and got back on the couch to dial the number when he saw Sander’s name in his recent call list. With the prospect of a party, and the chance that he might forget himself, he decided to call his boyfriend first.

“Hey? Am I interrupting?”

The other end of the line sighed deeply. “No, it’s okay. I actually just finished for today. This weekend went a bit better knowing that I had already completed the three pieces on Friday. So thanks for making me finish those then..”

“Yeah. No problem. So ehm... Milan just mentioned a party?” Robbe said. 

Crap, Sander totally forgot. Just like he forgot to post something on insta for Bowie that evening. Fuck. 

“Eh yes. Yes, sorry I kind of forgot. Yeah he invited us. But it’s to celebrate the end of exams which is in the middle of a normal school month for you so maybe it was a bit weird or something?”

“Weird? The boys and I go to a party almost every weekend. We don’t even need an occasion. No, I wanna go to this party. Also, Milan will kill me if I don’t visit so this could be feeding two birds with one scone.”

Sander chuckled on the other end of the line, and Robbe recalled that’s not the phrase most people used. But his mom thought it to him because it was the more animal-friendly version, and he’d stuck with it ever since. 

“Yeah okay. Then we can go to the party. But just to clarify, you’re my plus one. Milan invited me and told me to bring you along, so...”

“Oh so that’s how we’re gonna play this? I’m the armcandy?” Robbe joked.

Sander just laughed on the other end of the line. The type of laugh that made all the tension in his body about exams fade away for just a tiny bit. For some reason, Robbe had that effect on him even through a phonecall. 

“I wanna see you...” Sander whispered after a while. 

Robbe looked at the flyer on the coffee table and hummed. “Have you eaten dinner yet?”

“Nope.” Sander replied. He really should put a timer on his phone to make sure he had 3 steady meals a day and take his meds continuously. He knew it was dangerous to let that stuff slip away from him. 

“Meet me at ‘Frituur nr 1’ in half an hour?”

“It’s a date.” Sander said, already getting up to put on his jacket.


	38. Monday - 13/01/2020 - 10.12

"Hey, is Moyo not at school today?” Aaron asked as he walked up to Jens and Robbe on the schoolyard. Jens bit his lip and shook his head. “No, family stuff he said. He’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Oh, okay. Well I guess I can just ask the two of you. So here goes.” he said, hyping himself up. “Amber asked if we were going on a date for Valentine’s next month.” he said with excitement. 

Robbe and Jens exchanged a look, and Jens stared back at Aaron with a puzzled expression. “And?”

“And, that means she sees us as long-term, right? I mean, otherwise she wouldn’t plan a date a month in advance.” he said, his excitement dropping at the end. “Right?”

Was he reading this wrong? Surely there was no way he was making a fool of himself by being excited about the long-term prospects of his relationships. 

“Yeah. Yeah, looks like it.” Robbe jumped in to the rescue. “I mean it’s... maybe a bit extra but yeah. I think she is thinking long-term. That’s kind of a thing girls do, I think.”

“Jens?” Aaron asked, turning to his other friend. “No offense Robbe.”

“None taken.”

“Eh...” Jens uttered, looking a bit surprised by the question. “Dude I don’t know. Britt was kind of intense on that stuff, I guess, yeah.”

He heard Robbe huff next to him but both Aaron and Jens chose to ignore him. “Jana and Nathalie not so much. So I think it depends. It could also be that she just doesn’t wanna be alone on Valentine’s?”

“But if she has a boyfriend, why would she be alone on Valentines?” Aaron questioned. They had been dating for several weeks now, so he figured it seemed pretty obvious they’d spend Valentine’s together. Why woudl Amber need that confirmation one month in advance?

“Have you guys made that official? The whole boyfriend/girlfriend stuff?” Robbe suggested. “Maybe that’s what she’s after? Some reassurance.”

Aaron hummed, thinking over the vagueness of their current relationship status.

“Well, no. I mean... I haven’t formally asked or anything. But do people even still do that? Or should I just change my facebook status? Is that official?”

Robbe rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Nobody cares about facebook anymore. Just... make sure she knows you’re serious, if that’s how you feel. You don’t have to propose or anything but just... Let her know she’s special.”

“Just... take her to the movies if that’s what you wanna do.” Jens replied, countering Robbe’s romantic speech. “And if you don’t, then make it clear to her what your expectations are.”

“No, no, I want us to be together. Like, boyfriend/girlfriend stuff and all.” Aaron nodded.

“So...” he then said, turning to Robbe. “How does that work for two guys then? Who asks who?”

Robbe chuckled and pulled at his beanie to hide the blush on his face. It wasn’t like he could tell the boys about the semi-proposal Sander dropped on him when they were at the hotel. So maybe he had to think of something a bit less extra... 

“He introduced me as his boyfriend to his friends on New Years.” Robbe said. “Although me and Sander didn’t exactly have a clean start so I wouldn’t mirror it too much with you and Amber man. Just... do what feels right for you guys.”

“Do you think I should invite her over? Like, meet my parents or...?”

“You could do that.” Jens nodded. “Yeah. I mean, it shows you’re serious.”

Aaron smiled excitingly and grabbed out his phone with eagerness. “I’m asking moms and pops right now.”

And just as Jens was about to make a comment on Aaron’s nicknames for his parents, the bell rang to indicate the end of break.


	39. Tuesday - 14/01/2020 - 12.36

"Mom, I don’t know okay? I’m not coming back to the apartment though. Not as long as he still has a key.” Senne said, his teeth clenched together as his mom tried to persuade him to finally come home. 

He figured it was probably more of a decorum thing than actual maternal concern, which was why he was not giving into it. The last thing he needed in his life was to give his family a pass just because they happened to share DNA. 

“Honey, your brother is already under enough stress from that accusation. He doesn’t need his brother turning on him. Just come home. I can try to get our schedules linked up for a dinner. The entire family, what do you say?”

“I say last time the four of us sat around a table, I was probably 5.” Senne spat back. “Bye mom.”

He slammed the phone against the kitchen counter a bit harder than he planned, and when he flipped it over he saw the screen was broken because of it. Fuck.

“Oh look, now both of you are fragile and broken little things.” Gill said from where she appeared across the kitchen. Senne looked at her with a death stare. 

“Gill, seriously don’t test me right now.”

“Or what, Senne? You’re gonna kick me out of my own house? Dude seriously, isn’t all that built up shit just getting exhausting?”

“That’s why I’ve been going to the gym.” Senne explained. 

Gill nodded, leaning her elbows on the kitchen counter across from him. “Yeah and then you go to class and then you get shitfaced. You try to keep that little head of yours completely occupied so you won’t have to deal with your broken heart. Which officially makes you a coward.”

Trust your best friend to slap you in the face when you’re already feeling like crap, Senne thought.

“Gill, now is not the time for your shit, okay?” he told her, taking his bottle of beer and walking to the living room couch where he had been staying for a few weeks now. 

Ironically, she had offered him the guest bedroom on New Year’s Eve, which was when he showed up at her door at around 6AM. But he had refused, saying the couch would work just fine. He had mumbled that Zoë was the love of his life and Gill had helped him to the couch and when they sat there, he had told her he was only staying for a short while because he would do anything to fix things and get back together with her.

Cue 2 weeks later and he was still sleeping on the couch. 

Maybe Gill had a point. Maybe he was a useless coward who gave up fighting for their relationship. Maybe he had convinced himself that people would always hold his past and his family against him. That every time he had something good it slipped through his fingers because he wasn’t strong enough to hold onto it.

Senne was deep in thought and cradling the bottle when he felt the couch dip next to him, and Gil looked at him with a worried face. And this was why he was friends with her. Because she could be both the thoughest girl he knew who would take no shit, while also being one of the most empathic people he had ever met. 

He knew she was only though on him because she cared. 

“Maybe it’s just time to move on.” Gill suggested. 

“Moving on means going back to my family, Gill. And I just can’t.” Senne said, his head shaking at the thought.

“Then don’t. Senne, it’s not like you don’t have any other options. Just get a dorm like normal people and stop waiting for us to belt ‘It’s a hard knock life’ to you.”

Senne looked at her with a frown for the reference, and while he was distracted she took the bottle of beer from his hand. 

“Stop wallowing in self-pity and get your shit together, Senne de Smet.”

A smile then appeared on Senne’s face, as he thought back the the day in fall 2018 where his life had seemed simple and easy until some girl came in and made it feel like the world had stopped spinning.

Perhaps it was time he stopped acting like a fucking levend cliché.


	40. Chapter 40

"Thank you, for coming with me.” Robbe said as the view through the window turned to pitch blackness. The train was going under the river now, so he knew they would be in Berchem station in under ten minutes. 

“Of course.” Sander smiled in return. He then rolled his shoulders and caught Robbe in a look of worry. “What? These seats are not exactly very comfortable.” Sander said to shrug it off. But he knew better than to blame the nmbs for the way his back ached. 

He had been sitting at his desk, bending over his drawings for days now it hardly hurt anymore. So when Robbe asked him if he wanted to go to Ghent with him, Sander had seen it as a welcome distraction.

He had the liberty to do so given the fact that most of his degree was about creating art in various forms and ways, and less so about learning chapters in textbooks by heart. So even on a night out in Ghent, Sander had his eyes wide open and his phone camera at the ready for whenever inspiration would strike. It wasn’t a useless distraction. At least, that’s what Sander had told himself. 

Trying to justify spending the entire evening out instead of working on his art, he quickly opened the camera roll and scrolled through some pictures he took tonight. A picture of a painting that Robbe’s cousin had in his hallway. A shot of the artistic arrangement of glasses on the coffee table.

Throughout the night Sander had also turned his lense onto his boyfriend and his muze. Because he had never wanted to draw anyone more than he did with Robbe.

So when Robbe came out to his cousin and he saw the relief on Robbe’s face when his cousin was totally accepting of him, Sander made a mental image but most of all he hoped to see Robbe like this many more times as he learned that people would accept him for who he was.That things would be just fine

“I can’t wait until we get home.” Robbe sighed when the train left the tunnel and they were now officially in Antwerp. 

“Tired?” Sander asked, and Robbe hummed.

As if on cue, Berchem station was announced at the next stop and Sander returned to his phone, finishing swiping through the pictures he took tonight. Which must have caught Robbe’s interest, as he began leaning over the little table in between their seats.

“You took those tonight?” Robbe asked, and Sander nodded. Then he looked up with a smirk, and pointed his camera at Robbe who groaned. “Sander, it seems like you already have two dozen pictures taken.”

“Just... hold on.” Sander said as he arched more to the left. When he caught the perfect shot of Robbe’s reflection in the window, he beamed before he got up from his seat. “There. Perfect to finish off the evening.” he said, showing it to Robbe.

They were walking out of the train now, and Robbe looked at Sander unamused. “Fine. But it’s not yours.” he said. Sander frowned and reached for his phone back, but Robbe blocked him and told Sander to focus on descending the stairs while he typed away on Sander’s phone. 

A few moments later they reached the corridor under the train platforms, and when he reached out to hold Robbe’s hand, he was jokingly gifted his phone in return. 

“No, not that.” he said as he put his phone away before he reached for Robbe’s hand. Robbe smiled at him mischeaviously, but Sander didn’t think much of it when they exited the train stations to their bikes.

It was two hours later when Sander was in his bed that his phone buzzed on the nightstand and he opened the insta notification that said Robbe had posted a new picture.

Sander’s face lit up in a smile when he saw which picture it was, and at the caption. 

It was then and there that he decided Robbe was the best muse he could ever wish for.


	41. Thursday - 16/01/2020 - 16.37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some 2.2k guru talk between MIlan and Robbe uploaded on a Sunday morning? More likely than you think. 
> 
> Edit: this chapter is uploaded a bit later than usual, because I had some family issues to deal with. Your regularly scheduled programming will resume from now on.

“Well I’m happy you’ll be at the party.” Milan said as they walked into the living room. When Robbe sat down on the couch it was like he had never left, and Milan beamed with happiness. 

“Now all I have to do is get Lisa on board, and then we will be set. Though I must say, you were more easy going as a roommate Robbe. I miss that. Lisa always yells at us to be more quiet.” Milan pouted. 

Robbe chuckled, and shrugged. “I can imagine it’s a difference.”

“Huge difference. With you guys I could hear you having sex through that very wall.” Milan said while pointing behind Robbe. “So now that I’m back in that room, I’m much more aware of just how thin the walls are.”

“What?” Robbe asked, an amused smile still on his face but part of him was hoping Milan was joking. “You could hear us?”

Milan nodded, and smirked at Robbe. “Yup. But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

Milan winked and Robbe just sat there with this terrified look on his face.

“Wha.. I... I don’t have any secrets.” Robbe opposed. He could feel his cheeks blush, knowing there were certainly some thing he didn’t need his roommates to hear.

“It’s okay Robbe. There’s nothing about gay sex to be ashamed about. As long as you both enjoy it, and it’s safe, then it should be celebrated.”

“Yeah but that doesn’t mean we have to talk about it, Milan.” Robbe groaned. His hands covered his face in Robbe’s typical self-conciousness attempt to make himself invisible.

Milan frowned, crossing his arms. “And who am I then if not your gay guru? You do need to talk about it Robbe. It’s healthy to unload.”

And Milan swore that final pun wasn’t even made on purpose.

“So how are things going then? Lots of booty calls now that it’s exams, I assume?” Milan said with a grin on his face. Of course he wasn’t in a relationship himself, but he had his activity on Grindr to measure up to.

Robbe sighed. Maybe answering one question would get Milan to back off, he thought. “I don’t know? Not more than usual.”

“Oh, well yeah you’re still in the honeymoon phase so I guess that makes sense.” Milan said, trying not to sound too envious.

Robbe smiled when a specific memory came to mind, but he bit his lip for a moment because he knew telling Milan about it would ignite a whole round of more questions. But then he decided to mention it anyways, because a lot of stuff happened that night but this was something he felt was okay to share. “It’s funny people call it the honeymoon phase. Because when we were back at the hotel Sander was actually talking about our wedding.”

Milan took another sip from his drink, and frowned. “Seriously?” to which Robbe nodded. 

“Yeah. I mean, I was super confused at the time because I had only just processed the fact that we had sex and he was talking about wedding guests. But since then he explained that it’s kind of part of his episode, with the mania. To have these grand ideas and stuff like that.”

“So you guys are not getting married?” Milan said with feigned disappointment.

Robbe chuckled and shook his head. “Not in the near future, no.”

Robbe took a sip from his own drink and Milan could tell he was thinking over something, but he didn’t really have much of an idea on what was going through the young boy’s head. He had been there when Robbe returned from the hotel. He had heard the fragility in his voice. And later, Robbe had shared a quick sketch of the evening but he had never gone into too much detail. Maybe it was too recent, too fresh, back then.

“What’s on your mind?” Milan decided to ask. “You can talk to me about anything.”

Robbe hesitated briefly, but then moved around on the couch, turning a bit more towards Milan but his gaze was focused on the view out of the living room window.

“You know with his episode, at first I thought none of it was real. Because I listened to anyone but Sander himself and I got told that I was just a short-lived obsession of his. I remember two nights after, I had a dream of Sander marrying Britt. It was... horrible.”

Milan nodded, recalling how miserable Robbe looked at the time.

“But then when Sander got to explain things himself, things made a lot more sense. He... he explained how he feels things with his illness and he told me none of it was a lie. That the way he felt about me was real, and that he just got a bit hyperfocussed on that and the future of our relationship that he ended up talking about our wedding. And...”

Milan looked at Robbe and urged him to continue.

“We had sex like, three times that night. And apparently that can also be a symptom. But it was amazing. Just a little bit of a struggle to keep up with...” Robbe chuckled. Milan looked at him with big eyes. 

“And it was your first time?” Milan asked.

Robbe just nodded, slowly, starting to regret the decision to share this with Milan. But then again who was he going to share this with and have the absolute certainty that they wouldn’t be weird about it. No matter how supportive his friends had been, they hardly knew how to have sex with girls let alone that they would be able to have a conversation about sex with guys. Maybe he couldn’t talk about this with anyone.

“Nevermind, I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”Robbe mumbled, his hands awkwardly running through his hair.

Milan laughed affectionately, and then reached his hand out to Robbe’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Robbe. I didn’t mean to pry. I just wanna make sure you’re doing okay, and that you’re safe. I care about you. And you can talk to me about this stuff, you know.”

Robbe looked up at him and swallowed. And then he dropped what remained of his hesitation. And once Milan saw the visual cue in Robbe’s eyes, he put his mug on the coffee table and straightened his shoudlers. 

“So you’ve had sex? Did you use condoms? Lube?”

Robbe nodded, remembering the relief he felt when he saw Sander had thought about all of that at the hotel. He then thought back to the beginning of the week when he made sure to stock up now that he had moved back into his old house and no longer had Milan’s supply in the bathroom cabinet to steal from.

“And you’ve gone all the way then?” 

Robbe chuckled this time, nodding again. All the way or no way was kind of their thing. Which didn’t mean that they had rushed into any of it. When Milan’s expression shifted, and Robbe realized, he rolled his eyes. “Yes, we fucked. Several times.” he sighed, a bit annoyed at Milan’s insisting he said it out loud.

Robbe cursed at himself, because now Milan was looking at him with curiosity. And that’s when Robbe realized he actually did really need to talk about this. If not for the fact that he didn’t have anyone else, then maybe for the dreams he has been having lately. 

“And Sander has been really great about all of it too, you know. He’s really good at that, checking in and stuff. And... I mean he doesn’t have much experience with guys either. So we’ve really just been figuring things out together.”

“And you can talk to each other? About what you like, what he likes? Because talking is very important Robbe.”

Robbe looked at Milan and nodded, quickly. “Yeah. Yeah, we talk. Of course. We always make sure to slow down and talk if there’s something we want to try. I just...”

Robbe sighed deeply and looked at the fingers laced in his lap. “There is one thing. I don’t know how to suggest...”

Fuck. Why couldn’t he just say it out loud. Why where these words stuck in his throat, and refused to come out. 

“Suggest what?” Milan asked, leaning forward. 

Robbe looked up at him through his lashes, and shrugged. “I don’t know how to say it. But I’ve been having some dreams lately.”

“Sex dreams?” Milan asked in confirmation. Robbe nodded slowly.

“But they’re always... different. From how we usually....”

Robbe hoped and prayed to a god he didn’t believe in that Milan would just get the idea.

“Different? How different?” Milan frowned. But when it became clear that Robbe was still at a roadblock to talk about it – and the fact that Milan was an outsider and not his boyfriend probably didn’t help – he was left to come to a realization on his own. 

“Oh. Ooooooh! You mean you wanna switch who fucks who?” Milan eventually said.

Milan watched Robbe breathe out in relief and he threw his head back because of course. Of course that was a lot to talk about for the guy who months ago felt like he had to put up a performance by having sex with a girl.

“It’s just that, like... With Noor... we tried. But I couldn’t. And now with Sander it just feels better. And I wanna try that.” Robbe admitted. 

Milan pursed his lips and squinted his eyes at Robbe. 

“Well... You know, some people are tops and some people are bottoms. And some like both. There is no way of knowing what someone might be into unless you’ve talked to them about it. However...” Milan said, his voice turning a bit more stern. 

“Just because he has had sex with girls, doesn’t mean he won’t be open for other things. You can not go down that heteronormative avenue, okay? People can have preferences.” Milan said. “You won’t know until you have all the options on the table. And Sander doesn’t seem like someone who would shy away from talking about it.”

At least that wasn’t the impression Milan had gotten from him. 

“So I should just... ask if he’s into that?” Robbe questioned.

“You could just mention it, saying you’ve had dreams about it. That’s what I would do, anyways.”

Robbe nodded and Milan could tell he was taking mental notes which meant that he was contributing to Robbe’s knowledge on the subject, and that was what he set out to do in the first place. 

“If you ask me, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Everything is still new and there’s so much you still need to discover and learn. This can be part of that. And honestly, you guys have a great connection. Anyone can see that. So just trust on that. You don’t have to put any pressure on your relationship to be new and exciting.”

“Right. Yeah... I mean, I know that. But whenever I’m around him I just feel so much... My mind is still blown every time I wake up next to him and I realize it wasn’t a dream.”

Milan chuckled and tilted his head. “Young love, how precious.”

And Robbe knew it was. He knew that what he and Sander had was special. He knew they had a passion he couldn’t imagine having with anyone else. He had never felt this type of connection to anyone before. When he called Sander the man of his dreams, he meant it. And Milan was right. They could talk about this. 

As if on cue, Robbe received a text from his boyfriend and the goofy smile on his face probably spoke a thousand words because Milan just leaned back and took a sip from his drink. 

Then, he watched as Robbe typed an elaborate text and he frowned when Robbe put his phone away with a smug smile. 

“Please tell me you didn’t just ask him over text Robbe.” Milan said with a horrified look on his face.

Robbe laughed and shook his head, clicking his tongue because sometimes Milan really did not give him enough credit. “No, Milan. But I did text to see if he had time this weekend. With exams and Jens’ birthday and all that. We get to spend time around other people but don’t worry, I do know this kind of conversation requires us to be completely alone.”

“Well that’s good. I’m proud of you, my gay-in-training. And if you ever do want to talk about anything, my door is always open. Except when it’s closed. Then you can’t just walk in like Zoë does sometimes.”

“Wait, she did that again?” Robbe asked in shock, and Milan shook his head. “No, but I did almost crawl into Lisa’s bed because I was drunk and I was still used to sleeping in her room. So confusion can be a thing with this flatshare.”

And just like that they found their way back to the light banter and casual conversations they used to share. Robbe talked about his mom, Milan talked about the extra horny students on grindr now that it was exam season. They expressed their concern about Zoë, and Milan asked Robbe if he was still in touch with Noor to which Robbe assumed she might be at Jens’ birthday party this weekend.

"And I didn't get invited?" Milan asked with a sad face, and Robbe rolled his eyes at him. 

"I'm the one who needs guru advice, not Jens. He is into girls, and as far as I know that's not your area of expertise." Robbe laughed. 

"Yes. Well you are a handful for sure. But you never know." Milan said as he got up from the couch. "If he ever gets curious, you can always refer me for a guru chat..."

Robbe then watched Milan leave the living room to get a refill for their drinks, and Robbe frowned to himself at the thought that Milan just suggested. A thought that would excite 15 year old Robbe from a year ago. But now, it just seemed an odd concept. Jens potentially being into boys? What the hell was Milan talking about?


	42. Friday - 17/01/2020 - 17.49

“So we have lasagna, and there’s also still pizza in the freezer. And there’s money in the kitchen if you decide you want something else. Call us if there’s anything wrong. And we’ll be back home by Sunday.” Sabine said, one foot out of the front door and the other one lingering. 

“I got it mom. You don’t have to worry, I’ve been home by myself in the past.” Jens replied.

“Yes. Yes, you’re right. Okay. Oh and remember, we better come home to a clean house and you better have worked through your hangover by sundayafternoon because we’re going to your grandma.”

“Can’t make any promises on either, but I’ll try.” Jens smiled.

“Jens, you know how she feels about drinking. If she notices you’re drunk you’re not getting birthday money this year.” Sabine said in a warning tone. Which made Jens smile even more. 

He loved it when his mom reminded him she was young once too. She didn’t bother with pretending like Jens wasn’t going to have a party at the house, just like he didn’t bother hiding it. They just didn’t actually speak about it to one another, so that his parents could go to Utrecht for the weekend with his sisters and still carry some plausible deniability

“Okay mom.” Jens said, only to please her.

“Sabine, I don’t wanna be stuck in rush hour babe. Let’s go. Bye son, be responsible this weekend.” Gert said from the driver seat window of the car.

“Bye dad, bye mom.” Jens waved, closing the door in order to get his mom to finally leave the doorstep and get into the car. He then watched them drive off, and closed the door entirely. In the same motion he grabbed out his phone, opening the broerrrs groupchat.

[They just left.] he typed before he walked over to the living room and sat down on the couch, his arms behind his head and taking in the house and the freedom it would provide him for the next 48 hours. 

He quickly received replies from Robbe and Aaron, containing a ‘party mode: activated’ meme and a ‘woohoo’ respectively. 

Then, he received a private message from Moyo.

[I’m at villegas park, wanna join?]

Jens arrived at the park near their school twenty minutes later, and he saw Moyo on a bench instructing two kids not to get their clothes all dirty in the puddles. 

“Hey.” Jens said, looking from Moyo to the little kids and back to Moyo. 

“My little brother and sister. Things are a bit chaotic at home, so I brought them here.”

“Cool.” Jens nodded, as he sat down on the back of the bench, mirroring his friend.

They both sat there in silence, following the two kids as they ran through the playground. Jens considered asking Moyo if he had anything to smoke, but then he recalled that probably wasn’t a good idea if he was watching his siblings right now. Being a big brother himself, Jens knew he would never consider smoking if he was to watch over Lotte and Lies.

“So, your parents actually went to see houses in Utrecht?” Moyo then asked, looking at Jens.

Jens nodded, not averting his gaze from the trees in the distance. “Jup.”

Moyo sighed and tried to figure out of his friend was in the mood to talk about it. After all, ever since Jana texted him, he had been tasked to find out when the move would happen so that they could plan a surprise party for him. 

“So it’s final then? You’re moving?”

Jens shrugged and swayed his head. “Dad took the job, yes. But mom is still vague about the whole moving thing. This weekend should be an indication though. If they find a house there. But they’ve promised not to bring anything up until Monday.”

“And if the move happens, when would...” 

“Moyo.” Jens cut in, finally looking at his friends. “No moving talk, seriously. I just wanna enjoy this weekend and celebrate my birthday.”

Message received, Moyo thought. He grabbed out his phone and messaged Jana a quick ‘no luck here’.

“So who did you invite?” Moyo asked once he put his phone back. When his little sister walked up to complain she wasn’t tall enough for the swing, Moyo told her to go play somewhere else.

“The broerrrs. Jana and the girls. Some other people from our year. Some guys from the skatepark. You know them, Jordi and Sam. And then my cousins from Hasselt are also coming over.”

Moyo nodded, but he couldn’t help thinking the ratio was a bit off. 

“Seems like you could invite some more chicks? Do you want me to spread the word a bit?” Moyo suggested. 

He was all for keeping the party small, but he also knew that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with any of the girls Jens had invited. And if it wasn’t for his own pleasure, then at least for the birthday boy himself. 

“I mean, since that girl in September did you even get laid?” Moyo decided to ask. 

Jens frowned and looked aside. “Yes, of course. What kind of stupid question is that?”

“Who then? Cause I haven’t seen you with anyone from school.” 

“There’s girls outside of KAB too, Moyo.” Jens said, a smug smile on his face. 

Moyo laughed, clapping his hands at Jens who just shrugged it off acting all cool. He didn’t mind Moyo calling him a player. Truth was that he had been in serious relationships before, but now he had found himself needing something more casual.

He felt like the next person he could have a deep connection with to start a real solid relationship probably wouldn’t come along until college. So between then and now, he figured he could just have his fun. 

“No but seriously, how do you meet girls outside of school then? Cause we’re either at the skatepark or working on the vlogs in the weekends...” Moyo asked, noticing a shift in Jens’ expression when he mentioned the vlogs and Moyo’s jaw dropped.

“Wait, what? The vlogs? You hooked up with someone who watches our youtube channel?”

“Well she was a friend of someone at our school so she asked for my number cause she saw some of our videos and yeah... One thing lead to another.”

“Oh my f... freaking god.” Moyo said, only stopping himself just in time to notice the presence of his younger siblings a few meters in front of them. He didn’t need them to return home knowing more cursewords than when they left. 

“Dude, that is so slick. Seriously. But okay then you should invite her to the party. Surely she might wanna meet the other guys on the channel? Right?”

“Well, it was more of a one time thing...” Jens explained. “So I don’t think I’ll invite her.”

Moyo sighed, dreams crushed, and he leaned his head on his hands. “Damn it man.”

Jens looked at his friend and chuckled, a bit amused. Then he thought of something. 

“Should I invite Noor?”

“Noor?” Moyo asked, frowning. “Dude, she’s Robbe’s ex.”

“As if he’d mind.” Jens said, an eyebrow raised. 

And okay fair enough, Moyo thought. Perhaps Noor was fair game, considering Robbe was never really into her. “You think she’d wanna come to the party?”

“We’ll only know if I invite her.” Jens said, already grabbing out his phone and scroling through his messenger app. A few moments later he was typing the message and pressing send, before he gave Moyo a thumbs up. 

“Maybe she can bring some girls from the academie. Like, some of those dance chicks.” Moyo grinned. 

“We’ll see Moyo. We’ll see.” Jens said, getting up from the bench again. “I gotta go.”

“Go where? I thought your family wasn’t home?”

“Exactly. So I can listen to some dope music through the speaker system and enjoy myself an XL vettige vrijdag.” Jens said, already walking up to the bridge. “Salut!”


	43. Saturday - 18/01/2020 - 19.32

“Okay but I think I also wanna take this bottle of rosé. Except then I will be over budget. So it’s the rosé or the white wine...” Jana said, holding both bottles in her hand. They were the final items on her shopping list for tonight’s party, aside from a new pair of black leggings because hers all had holes in them, and some snacks for the preparty at her place.

“Zoë?” Jana said, waving the bottles in front of her friend.

“You should try gin and tonic.” Zoë spoke softly.

“Huh?” Jana asked, while she contemplated her choice of the white wine and decided to opt for another one that would be within her budget. Now she was all set. Except for the gin and tonic. “Since when do you drink gin and tonic?” Jana asked. 

“I don’t really.” Zoë said, following Jana along down the grocery aisle. “But I know there’s alcohol free stuff.”

Jana then stopped in her tracks and turned around. “Yeah but that’s not the type of stuff to bring to a party Zoë.” she chuckled. Zoë looked up at her friend, and smiled a bit too. “Okay.”

“Yeah. Okay. So then we’re set, right?” Jana said, scanning through the stuff in the basket Zoë was holding. Once she had concluded they had everything, they made their way to the register to pay. 

“I’m sure Jens will have some soda or something. It’s bring your own booze, not bring your own soda.” 

“Right.” Zoë nodded, the thought of depending on Jens’ excellent host skills somehow not sounding very reassuring to her.

Zoë then helped Jana with bagging the stuff they bought, and when they walked outside she smiled at Luca and Yasmina waiting for them there. 

“Yeah but there’s a difference in feeling like I don’t stand a chance cause he’ already dating another girl, or finding out that I never stood a chance cause he’s not into girls to begin with.” Luca explained to Yasmina, who according to Luca lacked the empathy about the fact that she would have to see her crush making out with his boyfriend all night.

“Are you still talking about Robbe? Come on Luca, it’s been months now.”

“Yeah well then I’m hereby tasking you as my official matchmaker because I’m sick and tired of being surrounded by couples.” Luca said, putting her hand out towards Jana.

“Deal. Consider me your wingwoman.” Jana said as she shook her friend’s hand. 

“So Amber is going to meet us at the party?” Yasmina asked once the girls started walking. Jana nodded, unwrapping the lollipop she had just bought. 

“Jup. She was with Aaron this afternoon so they’re going there together.”

From where she was walking behind them, Zoë rolled her eyes and grabbed out her phone to tune out some of the constant relationship talk she found herself surrounded by. And she knew it was her own doing that it annoyed her to this extent. She knew that perhaps if she talked to her friends about the heartbreak, then maybe they would be more empathic. But right now she wasn’t giving them much to work with, so she chose to just sit back and let them have their fun. 

“Hey.” Yasmina then said, slowing her pace so she walked beside Zoë. They both watched Jana and Luca laugh over the potential shipnames for Amber and Aaron, and Yasmina rolled her eyes. 

Then she looked back at Zoë, and smiled. “I’ve always loved that shade on you. It’s a bit darker. I like it.” Yasmina said. 

Zoë looked up from her phone and smiled at her friend. “Thanks.”

“Glad you’re wearing it again.” Yasmina said, then looking at Zoë with a meaningful nod and for a moment the clouds dissappeared and Zoë felt like she could breathe again.


	44. Saturday - 18/01/2020 - 20.13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a dedication to all the evak fics with shotgunning that I've read back in the day.   
> Also, I was listening to hot girl bummer by blackbear and everything I wanted by billie eilish in case you wanna have an idea of the 'party' vibe for this chapter.

“Okay boys. You can put the beer in the fridge.” Jens said as he opened the fridge which already contained enough beer than could be consumed in one night by the small army of 16 year olds that would show up tonight.

“The only thing in here is beer and cheap wine.” Jens’ cousin Pieter laughed. “And it’s all jupiler.”

“Good observation Pieter.” Jens said, his tone slightly mocking. “Can’t get beyond you and your knowledge of beers...”

“Hey, hey, cousin. Who is that chick in the corner there? With the blouse?” Pieter’s younger brother Vincent said in hushed voice. He grabbed a hold of Jens’ shoulder, to turn him in the right direction of his latest crush. 

When he did, Jens spotted Yasmina and Zoë talking in the corner of the living room by the window, and he sighed, removing his cousin’s hands from his shoulders. 

“Nope Vince. Don’t even try. Don’t even bother, Zoë is not going to go for it.” he said.

“Zoë...” Vincent echoed in a dreamy voice. 

Jens rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Seriously Vince, cut it out. She is not interested and she’s my friend so I don’t need your horny ass herassing her all night.” he said, this time in a more warning tone.

“Where is the birthday boy?” Moyo then shouted as he walked through the door, just perfectly timed. 

Jens laughed and checked on his cousins loading up the fridge before he concluded they would probably not break anything. So he went up to greet his friends, giving them elaborate high-fives and hugs. When Aaron left him hanging, he cleared his throat and Amber elbowed Aaron into accepting the high five. 

“Happy birthday man.” Aaron smiled. 

“His birthday is tomorrow.” Amber corrected, then leaning in to hug Jens. “But happy birthday.”

“I knew that. It’s just what you say when you get to a birthday party, isn’t it?” Aaron asked. Jens nodded, a “sure bro” nod before he told the boys to put their coats upstairs.

“Which room?” Robbe asked as he offered to take them up himself. “Eh, put them in my sister’s.” Jens said.

He would remind himself later on in the night to go and lock the doors upstairs just to be certain. He didn’t have time to go through the entire house in the morning to make sure no damage was done, so if he could secure the upstairs in advance, he saved himself some time. 

“Drinks?” he then asked Moyo and Aaron, who both lifted the sixpacks of beers they had brought with them and Jens instructed them to the garage, considering Pieter and Vincent had brought in the last of what would fit into the fridge.

“Just drop them down here, and we will put them into the fridge as it empties out.” he told the guys, opening the door to the garage for them. He switched on the light and looked for a spot in the ground where the beer could stay cold.

“Wow, shit.” Moyo then said, eyeing the motorbike Jens’ father drove. “This looks so dope.”

Jens opened one of the bottles and took a sip, then raising his hand when Moyo approached the bike. “Wow, no wait Moyo. Seriously, this thing is expensive.” he said, quickly moving in between his dad’s motorbike and his friends. He knew it was part of his dad’s midlife crisis (at age 36), and he knew any damage to it would mean a whole lot more stress than his dad was currently already under and he wasn’t about to risk that. 

“Okay, okay.” Moyo said, his hands raised and walking backwards. 

“Careful!” Aaron then shouted, stopping Moyo from colliding into a pile of paint buckets. 

Jens groaned and rolled his eyes, before he opened the door back into the main house and chased the boys out of the garage. Robbe laughed when he heard Moyo say that it seemed like their vibes were switched around, him being the clumsy single one and Aaron being the one with a girlfriend.

Robbe watched Aaron and Moyo banter about how Moyo was perfectly fine to get a girl tonight, and as the two of them made a bet all he could do was roll his eyes at them. When he looked over his shoulder, he saw Jens was checking the garage carefully and he let Moyo and Aaron walk ahead, staying behind for a little bit.

Robbe took a sip from his beer and sat down on the edge of the doorframe, watching Jens stare at his dad’s bike, which seemed to represent some sort of conflict of not being able to have it all. A symbol of compromise that Jens’ family was in the middle of.

“You’re stressed.” he commented. 

Jens looked up and frowned in denial, taking a few more sips from his beer. “No I’m not.”

“Yes you are. Jens, I know you. I can tell. You’re totally stressed out on your own birthday party.” Robbe said. 

And what type of friend would he be if he just let that happen?

“Here.” he said, then grabbing a perfectly rolled joint from his pocket and holding it out in front of it. “You need it more than I do.”

Jens scoffed and recalled he had his own stash upstairs, but he couldn’t help but be tempted by the availability of it now and before he knew it he was lighting it and exhaling the smoke. 

“Consider it my birthday present.” Robbe smiled, and Jens knew why he was so smug about it. This was really good stuff. The type of stuff he had on his ‘pro’ list with pro and cons about moving to The Netherlands. 

Jens bobbed his head along to the music coming from the living room, and once he has had a few moments he looked over at Robbe. “You got this shit from Sander, didn’t you?” Jens grinned. 

Robbe frowned, getting up from his seat with the intention of reclaiming his present because if Jens didn’t believe Robbe was the sole contributor to it, he didn’t want it used. But then he paused from reaching for it, because while Jens wasn’t correct, it wasn’t Robbe’s personal connections that got it here. 

“Not Sander. But one of his friends, from college, yes.” Robbe then said, rolling his eyes. Jens laughed in amusement, and then handed the joint to Robbe cautiously. “Okay. Now I’m willing to share.” Jens said. 

They shared the joint back and forth, laughing banter in between and the conversation went the way it did between best friends who had known each other over a decade. Even though Jens knew he should probably be in the house, greeting the people who came to his party, he kind of enjoyed the chance to just chill like this for a litle bit. Then, Robbe could feel a pressence behind him from where he was leaning against the doorway, and the arms sneaking around him from the back were a welcome surprise. 

“Here you are. I got here ten minutes ago, I was expecting a welcome comittee.” Sander said, leaning over Robbe’s shoulder and whispering in his ear. 

Robbe blushed and leaned into Sander’s touch with his eyes closed, before he heard Jens clear his throat and he urged Sander to stop his roaming hands.

A bit dissappointed his boyfriend still hasn’t kissed him, Sander let go of Robbe and walked over to where Jens was leaning against the wall opposite of the door. “Congratulations.” 

“Thanks man.” Jens said, before exchanging a look with Robbe, trying not to reveal the joint that Jens was subtly hiding behind his back. 

“Mind sharing?” Sander then smirked, eyeing Jens’ hidden hand. 

“What are you talking about?” Robbe chuckled, a bit nervously.

Sander looked at Robbe over his shoulder and then back at Jens. “He hasn’t kissed me yet. Because he is trying to hide the smell. But I could smell it from all the way in the hallway.” Sander smiled. And truthfully it wasn’t like smoking in the doorway of the garage was a failproof plan anyways, the boys realized.

“Busted.” Jens sighed, passing the joint to Sander. When Robbe gave him a ‘what are you doing’ look, Jens just shrugged.

Sander observed the joint in his hand, and raised an eyebrow at Robbe. “You texted Maxm for this?” he asked, before he took a long drag.

“Yeah.” Robbe said with a smug smile. “Sander’s friends buy me beer and get me these.” he explained to Jens. Jens nodded impressed. 

“Yes, because I told them to be nice to you. But this is spoiling you.” Sander said. He then took one more drag and walked over to Robbe. With the raise of his eyebrow, Sander gave Robbe a brief warning before he hoovered over him and one hand cupped the side of Robbe’s face. 

Using his thumb to open Robbe’s mouth, Sander leaned down letting their lips brush together in a near touch before he breathed out a cloud of smoke into Robbe’s open mouth. 

Suddenly, Jens had a very clear image of all the times he would hang out with Jana and Robbe, the latter thirdwheeling on his relationship as he was now watching the two guys in front of him making out. It was intense and intimate yet for a moment he also found it captivating. He could now clearly remember the distant feelings of eyes on him as he kissed with Jana, and as guilt started to settle in his stomach he tapped his hands on his tighs. 

He realized he shouldn’t stay but he also had the joint to finish and he wasn’t about to drag the smoke into their living room. Jens felt torn, looking anywhere but in the direction of the doorway and he eventually got away from the wall and walked back over to where his dad’s motobike was.

Then he heard giggling from behind him, and Robbe mumbled something about Sander knowing his weak spot. Jens took another drag, back still turned to them, closing his eyes, and then he heard footsteps. When Robbe called out his name, Jens startled a bit because he was closer than he thought. 

When he turned around, Sander was walking back to the hall through the open doorway and Robbe stood only a few steps away from him, awkwardly rubbing his neck with a blush on his face. “Sorry about that.”

“No problem.” Jens replied. “I put you through that more than enough times last year, I guess.” Jens replied. 

Robbe shrugged, his hands now diving into his pockets. “Well, when you and Jana would constantly make out, I was actually envious of her.”

Jens looked at his best friend in surprise, which made Robbe realize what he had just said out loud. Not that it was actually much of a secret at this point. It was a long time coming for Robbe’s former crush on Jens to be admitted out loud. 

“Anyways...” Robbe said, then swiftly moving on from the subject. “It’s not like you feel that way about watching us. So I can imagine it’s mainly just uncomfortable...” Robbe said with a guilty smile.

Jens’ brows furrowed. The last thing he would want was for Robbe to worry about other people feeling uncomfortable. But before he could reply that, Zoë appeared in the garage with a loud groan.

The robotic voice saying ‘you have one new voicemail’ echoed from her phone, before she looked up and saw Jens and Robbe in the garage.

“Oh. Sorry.” She said, realizing she had interrupted. She then looked back at her phone and walked to the other end of the garage to listen to the voicemail message, wrongly assuming that it’d be enough distance to make the boys continue their conversation. 

“Let’s just get back inside.”

“Yeah, good idea.” Robbe agreed, and he walked ahead into the noise of the party, which had grown since the boys had separated themselves from it. Jens could hear the loud music echoing through the entire house and he briefly considered if the neighbours would hear. Then, he heard a soft sob from behind him.

“Everything okay?” he asked, Zoë’s back still turned to him but it was certainly her he heard. Nobody else was left in the garage. 

Zoë sniffled, before quickly turning around a bit startled. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats. And then her face morphed back into sadness and she shook her head. “Can you get Jana?” she asked him through the tears streaming dow her face. 

Jens nodded, and turned back but his feet wouldn’t move with him. Instead he sighed, and walked up to Zoë, offering her a hug.

“He... he left a voicemail.” she said through shaky breaths before she allowed Jens to hug her properly. 

“Who did?” Jens asked. 

Moments passed with no reply, just Zoë rapidly breathing and Jens trying to ground her as much as he could, as much as he could offer her comfort from the second degree type of friendship they had.

“Viktor.” she then spoke, just when Jens was convinced she wasn’t going to answer his question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm visiting family for the next few days, and while the next few chapters are mostly written I won't really have time to finetune and publish them.   
> So the next chapter will be released once I'm back in Antwerp and have the time to proofread.


	45. Saturday - 18/01/2020 - 21.05

“Here you are.” Jana said, her hand leaning on the doorframe to the garage. She locked eyes with Jens over Zoë’s shoulder, and right away she knew something had happened judging by Jens’ concerned look.

“Hey...” Jana said softly, gently placing her arm on Zoë’s shoulder once she realized she was crying. Jana nodded to Jens when he let go of Zoë, and she wrapped her best friends in her arms closely. “What’s going on? Did something happen?” 

She was a bit tipsy, having downed most of one bottle of wine by herself at the preparty, but she sobered up right away when she could see by the look in Zoë’s eyes just how much she needed her right now. This couldn’t be anything good.

“Okay, okay, we can go somewhere. Eh, Jens?” Jana asked, and Jens pointed upwards. “You can go to my room. I’m gonna lock the upstairs anyways.” Jens said. 

He walked ahead of Jana and Zoë and opened the door to his room for them, before he went and checked the other rooms, which were empty thankfully. He saw the coats Robbe had dropped off in his sisters’ room, and he assumed they wouldn’t be leaving right away so he locked the rooms, putting the keys in his pocket. Then, he moved back to his room, where Jana and Zoë were listening to a voicemail. The voicemail. 

“Hi sweet Zoë. I just wanted to leave a quick message saying thank you. I just heard our family is going to have a dinner with all four of us, so it seems like my little brother has come around about the whole mess you created. Looks like you no longer have your boyfriend to protect you, but for whatever it’s worth I think we could’ve been a nicer couple. If you would’ve just kept your mouth shut with the police, that is. But you had to go and be a bitch about it. So I hope you enjoy your miserable life.”

“That son of a bitch.” Jana cursed, and Jens uttered a soft ‘wow’.

“Is it true?” Jens asked. 

Zoë looked up with a frown, not knowing what he was asking about.

“That Senne is on his side...” Jens clarified. 

He wasn’t an expert of the case. In fact, from all the gossip he’d caught from either Jana or Robbe, it seemed like the type of situation he was glad to have some distance on. But hearing that voicemail as he stood a few steps away from his little sister’s bedroom, just the thought of someone being so manipulative walking around out there still taunting his victims made his protective side emerge.

“I... I don’t know.” Zoë spoke. Who knew what Senne’s mindset was like these days. She certainly didn’t. 

“I can’t imagine that.” Jana then said, more sure than Zoë was. “I can’t imagine he loved you the way he did, and he would then turn on you. That’s not Senne.”

Jens nodded, then looking over his shoulder when he heard more people arrive at the party, which must have been close to its peak by now. 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to stay here with us.” Jana said, and it took Jens a moment to realize she was talking to him. 

Zoë looked at her like she had said the most offensive thing. “Jana, it’s his room.”

“Yeah but...” Jana said, looking at Zoë, then turning back to Jens. “I know how to lock up this room. So go, enjoy your party.” she told Jens. “I’ll close the door and bring you the key.” Jana promised. 

And Jens had to admit, he knew he would be of more use giving the girls some privacy than standing here by the doorway awkwardly. 

“Okay. Stay as long as you need to.” Jens said, before he gave Jana a meaningful nod and he descended the stairs again, back to the party that was in full swing on the downstairs level of the house. 

When he got there, the music was loud and people were dancing to some pop song that Jens certainly hadn’t added to his carefully curated playlist for the evening. 

“Holy shit, did you invite everyone in our year?” Robbe asked, emerging from the crowd. Jens smiled, looking around to see that people were having a good time and things didn’t seem too out of control. 

“Hey, did I see you go upstairs with lipstick chick?” Vincent then said, and Robbe and Jens both frowned at him.

“Who?” Robbe asked, before looking at Jens to determine if he would have just hooked up with anyone. Then, as he retraced their steps he gasped, punching his best friend in the shoulder. “Zoë? Seriously, Jens?”

“What? No no no... Vince, fuck off okay. I didn’t hook up with her and you’re not going to either.” he said, causing the boy to scoff at him and return to the crowd. Then, Jens turned to Robbe to clear up a big misunderstanding. When he saw Robbe’s face full of judgement, Jens dragged him into the kitchen. “No, it’s not what you think. Fucking hell, I wouldn’t do that.”

And okay, Jens did not seem like the type of guy to do something like that. But the circumstances were still not entirely clear. Problem was, Jens found himself in the moral predicament of not knowing weither he should be talking about the stuff that had just transpired.

“Jana is comforting Zoë upstairs. She got a fucked up voicemail from that guy Viktor, right when we left the garage. I told them they could use my room. That’s all.” Jens explained. 

“Shit.” Robbe muttered, rubbing his hand over his face. The last thing he knew Zoë needed was more harassment from that guy. Then he grabbed out his phone and started typing, quickly. 

“What are you doing?”

“Texting Milan.”

“Right.” Jens said, nodding, convinced that telling Robbe was a good idea. He had lived with Zoë for months, and was way better equipped to be involved, more so than Jens was. 

“Done.” Robbe said, then reaching for two beers in the fridge and offering Jens one. “Let’s drink.”

“Yeah.” Jens said, a deep sigh escaping his mouth before he downed almost the entire can in one go. He realized Robbe was right earlier. He was stressed. But this party was not meant to be a beacon for that tonight. Tonight was supposed to be fun and a party and overall he had some catching up to do. 

The thing was, Jens was great at parties. He’d be the one talking to people, and getting along with anyone. He was the resident charmer, the most well-connected guy out of the four broerrrs and he could take full advantage of his looks to find someone to make out with sooner rather than later. 

Once his first beer was completely gone, Jens decided to look at the crowd of people that had gathered in his living room, and he smiled at the excited sounds of intoxicated teenagers that echoed through the room. The flashing lights and the slick dancemoves of Moyo showing off in the middle of the crowd, no doubt trying to complete his bet with Aaron by attracting one of the girls there. The urge to mingle and entertain grew, and so he made his way through the crowd, saying hi to the people who congratulated him.

He talked to everyone for a few moments, catching up with some friends from scouts and discussing which girls to hook up with his cousin Vincent who was potentially even more desperate than Aaron had ever been. In hindsight, Vince was a full year younger than Jens so it was a bit questionable that he was there in the first place, but Jens decided he wasn’t anyone’s keeper and as long as people didn’t hook up in any of the rooms upstairs, he considered everyone was free game. 

And just when that thought passed through his head, he made a turn towards the hallway and bumped into a familiar face. “Noor? Hi.”

“Hi.” she said, a bit nervously. When Jens saw her looking around the crowd, he pointed out some people she must known from the scouts, and he offered to take her coat for her. “You could’ve brought someone with you, you know?” Jens said. 

Noor looked at him, adjusting her handbag on her now exposed shoulders. “Do you not think there’s enough exes at this party already?” she said, looking over Jens’ shoulder with a smile. When Jens turned around, he saw Jana dancing with Amber, Robbe and Sander and Jens suddenly became aware of the awkward situation again. “Right. Yes. But.... you know them?” he suggested. 

“Yeah. I’ll be fine, birthday boy. Go and have fun.” she said, giving him a pat on his shoulder as she walked on. To Jens’ surprise she went directly towards his friend and he couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief. 

“Noor?” Jana frowned, before greeting her with an extensive hug, and interrupting the others dancing. 

“Hey.” Noor smiled at Amber, who gave her a warm hug too. 

“Nice boots.” Sander commented, pointing at Noor’s black Doc Martens and Robbe rolled his eyes because apparently everyone around him owned these horrible shoes. 

“Nice shirt.” Noor replied, and Sander must have forgotten he was wearing the one she had gifted him because he took a look down and then said ‘oh, yeah’ when he remembered.

“And me?” Robbe said, waving in between the two of them because it sort of seemed like they were forgotting the one thing they had in common not that long ago. 

“Oh poor you.” Jana said, leaning her arm on his shoulder and rubbing through his hair. “You have nice...”

“Eh...” Noor said, her eye squinting in a teasing way.

“Necklace!” Amber then said, pointing at the necklace that was peeking out now that Jana hanging off his shoulder had pulled his shirt to the side. 

“Ah yes. That’s a nice one.” Noor agreed. “Where did you get it?”

And suddenly Robbe regretted asking for a compliment, his head bent forward and his fingers making quick movements to tuck it away again. He then felt a hand on his lower back, and immediatly looked to his right where Sander gave him a small nod. 

“It’s a family thing.”

“Oh I love this song!” Jana then yelled loudly, causing Robbe to flinch as she was right by his ear. She apologized before she dragged Noor and Amber with her to dance to ‘Don’t Start Now’ by Dua Lipa. Soon, her touch was replaced by Sander who ran his hand up to Robbe’s shoulder, tucking his shirt back in place. 

“You don’t have to tell anyone, you know that right?” Sander said, and Robbe closed his eyes for a moment, feeling where the necklace touched his skin.

“I know.” he said, then resting his forehead on Sander’s shoulder. “Let’s just get drunk.” he suggested, feeling like he’d been doing that all night. But truthfully he had never been blackout drunk, because he had always been cautious about protecting his secret. And they were celebrating. Some would even consider it rude if he were to leave the party entirely sober. Right?

“Or we could just dance?” Sander suggested instead. And for a moment Robbe wanted to groan because he really wanted to just get drunk and shitfaced, one of his most effective coping mechanisms. Except Sander was having none of that. 

“Robbe... You don’t have to spiral. You’re okay. I got you. It was just a comment.” he said, gently rubbing the wild hairs out of his boyfriend’s face, trying to get their eyes to lock. And when they did, Sander made sure to keep Robbe’s gaze until he felt the desire to run away flow out of him.

“There you go.” Sander spoke, before pressing a soft kiss to Robbe’s lips. Robbe sighed deeply and nodded, signaling that he was okay. That Sander had pulled him away from a spiral of dark memories. Subconciously, Robbe touched the charm under his shirt and then looked up at Sander. “Still want a beer though.”

“I’ll get us one.” Sander said, as Robbe stayed where he stood and Sander quickly slipped into the kitchen. When he found only the crappy beers and wine in the kitchen, he sighed because his boyfriend deserved better. So then he recalled noticing the remaining stash in the garage, and he navigated his way back there.

As he entered the cold surprised him and he stumbled around in the dark trying to figure out where the beer was when he heard people on the other end of the garage. He cursed to himself when he realized what he was hearing was people making out, and he quickly continued his search for the beer in order to get out as soon as possible. Then, he heard the girl speak.

“Jens, is this a good idea?” she asked, and Sander’s head turned because he knew that voice very clearly. 

“Noor?” Sander spoke, revealing his pressence without even thinking about it. 

In a matter of seconds, Noor and Jens created a meter’s distance between both of them, and Noor was trying to fix what was left of her smudged out red lipstick as if the damage wasn’t already done. 

“Sander... I didn’t know you were in here...” Jens said. “In my garage.” he added, realizing he didn’t have to justify his own pressence there. 

“I came to grab some more beer.” Sander said, stepping towards them. It was still dark, so Sander grabbed out his phone to shine on the beer in his hand.

“Oh... okay.” Jens nodded, looking anywhere but at Sander, who had the biggest judging look on his face.

“This is so messed up, by the way. I don’t even wanna know.” Sander said, pointing in between the two people in front of him.

Sander then walked back to the door, shaking his head on the way there and once he had closed the door behind him, Jens looked at Noor who was eyeing him with a questioning look. Then she looked up at where the clock was close to midnight and she smiled. “Looks like the fun isn’t over yet. Do you want a birthday present?”

And just like that any guilt dissappeared as Jens felt the girl’s lips on his again, and her hands were making quick movements on his belt and it was all going in the desired direction so for just now he decided to forget about the mess in his head for one day and he kissed her back passionately.


	46. Sunday - 19/01/2020 - 08.03

It had been an unspoken agreement that they went to Robbe’s house after the party since it was only two streets from where Jens lived. It was also equally unspoken agreed upon that Robbe was too wasted to have a long conversation and Sander covered his boyfriend with the duvet as soon as he made contact with the bed. 

And for the next 7 hours Sander sat there, right on the edge of tired but not tired enough to sleep. Because his brain was going a thousand thoughts a minute, and he had turned to writing them down on a piece of paper in order to find some way to bring some peace to his mind. 

And it was that piece of paper that Robbe was holding in his hand, after his hand had grazed it in his sleep. Confused and still sleepy, he stared at the words in Sander’s recognizable handwriting, before looking over to see his boyfriend blissfully asleep. Little did Robbe know, Sander fell asleep less than an hour ago when the exhaustion finally took over and his thoughts had slowed down just enough to transfer into his dreams. 

Robbe caught on to the fact that Sander’s sleep was restless and he wondered if the first word on the paper had anything to do with it. Ossenmarkt

“Sander?” Robbe asked, gently shaking his boyfriend’s shoulder. He could tell whatever scene was unfolding itself in Sander’s dream, it wasn’t a pleasant one so Robbe felt no guilt about waking him up. 

“Sander, wake up.” he repeated, before he saw Sander’s eyes open again, and a relief sigh escaped from his lips on an exhale. 

“What time is it?” Sander asked, rubbing his eyes which hurt like hell and he regretted it instantly. 

“8AM. But you seemed like you were having a nightmare and I... Found this.” Robbe said, holding out the piece of paper. Sander immediatly looked around on the bed, and found the pen he had used buried in the sheets in between them. Fuck. 

“Was this a part of your dream?” Robbe asked softly, gently stroking away Sander’s hair so he could look at him properly. 

Sander saw Robbe’s finger was pointing at Ossenmarkt, and he closed his eyes with a deep sigh. 

“No, it wasn’t. I already told you, i don’t...”

“Then why have you written it down?” Robbe cut in. He knew he had to. Otherwise, he would get the same reply as always which was that Sander chose to remember that night for the first part of it, their first official date, instead of the second half. And Robbe had thought it was remarkable and also kind of romantic but over time he had come to realize it wasn’t an actual way to deal with what they experienced and he had always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

“Because my friends invited us there.” Sander explained. “Mia asked if I’d wanna join them after our final exams. I wrote it down so that I would remember to ask.”

Sander then got up on one of his elbows, and gave Robbe the softest look. And Robbe melted for a bit, his resolve to push Sander on what happened that night dissappearing and being replaced by his own fears.

“Would you wanna go?” Sander decided to ask, biting his lip.

Antwerp students plus ossenmarkt was as much of a common combination as fries with mayonaise. And in the past, not a single part of Sander would feel reluctant or hesitant. Some of his favorite bars were around there. And he knew as soon as the exams were over he wanted to go out. And have fun with what little energy he had left. But he wasn’t sure how he felt about going there. And he didn’t know what Robbe would think about it either.

“I ehm...” 

Robbe blew out a breath and leaned against the pillows, looking at Sander. “I don’t know if I really wanna go back there yet, Sander.”

Sander nodded, his hand reaching up to softly touch the side of Robbe’s face. “It’s okay if you don’t. But I promised Mia I’d ask. They don’t know anything about that night, but if you don’t wanna go I will just tell them we can’t.”

A long silence settled between them. Eventually, Robbe looked up. “Your friends would be around?”

Sander nodded, trying to recall who agreed. “Mia and Maxim for sure. Not sure about the others.” Sander said. He then looked at Robbe closely, trying to figure out if his additional question was out of interest or to find another reason to say no. “What do you think?”

Robbe sighed and grabbed his pillow to cover his face for a bit. What he thought was that he would’ve been fine never going to the Ossenmarkt ever again. But he also knew that wasn’t a realistic perspective. He just didn’t expect it to be an option so soon. 

“I think...” he sighed deeply and looked at Sander. “I think if we can’t talk about what happened there that night, it’s not the best idea to go back. Because I want both of us to be safe.” Robbe said, intertwining his fingers with Sander’s. 

Sander closed his eyes and nodded. “Okay.” he simply replied, sinking back into the pillows.

“Sander...” Robbe then said, turning on his side to look at his boyfriend. “You can just talk to me. Help me understand.”

Sander’s eyes were closed, but Robbe noticed a small flinch. As if Sander was thinking ‘you can’t’. And Robbe hated that. He hated that he had no idea what Sander was going through when he had his own mind lie to him. When it would cause Sander to get physically restless. And the scene was all too similar to when Robbe desperately tried to get Sander back to bed when they were at the hotel. Only this time the anxious movements of his leg under the covers slowly got replaced by Sander’s steady inhales and exhales and soon his facial features relaxed again.

Robbe blinked, then he softly stroked his thumb over Sander’s hand. The movement caused Sander to open his eyes. He looked right at Robbe, and Robbe could see him considering something. Whatever came next, was important.

“When I was 17 me and some people from high school were spraying by the kaaien. I was working on a big piece. I had it planned out for weeks. Lots of colors, very bright, so you couldn’t miss it. But two hours in, the neighbourhood watch showed up.” Sander spoke, his voice a bit trembling. 

“My friends got all angry, because I chose the location and I knew the risk was higher of getting caught. So they threw me under the bus. Punched me in the face and tripped me onto the ground while we were running away from them. So that I would take the fall and they could get away.”

Sander looked at Robbe and sighed. “The only way I didn’t get into any actual trouble was because my uncle has connections. He got me off without any consequences.” Sander explained. Then he ran a hand through his hair, and looked up at the ceiling. “I changed my hair and finished out the rest of high school as an arts loner. I never spoke to those guys again.”

When Robbe realized that was all Sander had to say he blinked a few times before he rested his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder, trying to find the right words. But what could he say after realizing that Sander had been beaten up twice in the last few years. 

A silence crept between them, and Sander figured what was about to come was judgement. A comment on how he shouldn’t be doing illegal stuff that could get him in that kind of trouble. That he should keep his art limited to a canvas. But against his expectations, none of that came.

“Those were some shit people you used to hang out with.” Robbe just said, his fingertips dancing on Sander’s skin. It made Sander smile. Because it was as big of an understatement as he could think of. And the absence of judgement made him take a big sigh. Then, he decided to continue. Because Robbe deserved to know how that night connected into their story.

“That one night.... it.... it changed everything. The rest of high school was in the shadow of that one evening. And now that I’m over 18, the cops wouldn’t look the other way if I ever came into contact with them again. And my uncle can’t help me out anymore.” Sander admitted.

Suddenly Sander’s joke about the cops not recognizing him with the spraypaint mask and him not wanting to go to the police after the assault made a whole lot more sense. But Robbe couldn’t help but feel like the situation was different, and that it was something Sander couldn’t see because he was too focused on how the situations were similar. 

“After that night at Ossenmarkt, once I’d dropped you off at the flatshare I went back to the kaaien. I went to the wall where I... we had been caught. And I could still faintly see the bright green strokes. That’s where I realized no matter what I do, people will always try to make me fail.”

Sander now looked aside and smiled. He was wrong, that night. “I’m glad we didn’t fail.” he spoke softly. Then he took a breath and shook his head. “And I know that’s your doing. Because I was a coward and I was terrified of going through the same thing that happened in high school and I couldn’t be alone anymore. And you wanted to do the right thing by going to the police, but for me that made things worse. So when Britt called...”

“That’s why you went back to her.” Robbe nodded, understanding. Sander didn’t say anything, just looked at him with remorse. “I did get the inspiration for the location of your mural that night at the kaaien. Maybe I had a concussion or something but it seemed like the best idea.” Sander chuckled.

Robbe rolled his eyes, the thought of his face painted on a huge wall in the port of Antwerp caused him to cringe just as much as it caused his heart to swell with love. A few moments passed, and he then moved closer to Sander if that was even possible at all. 

“You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, Sander. And I hate to think of how I made you feel alone, because I didn’t know this story. I was alone too. And I was scared. But we have each other now. And anyone who tries to get us to fail can just fuck off.”

Sander hummed in agreement, then smiling. “You know, your friends may be assholes sometimes but at least they’ve never caused you to get arrested...” Sander joked. 

Robbe scoffed and sighed deeply. Sander was right, his friends weren’t too bad. Maybe they were a bit one-track minded but they would never betray him. 

“Speaking off your friends... I caught Jens and Noor making out last night. I thought you should know.”

Robbe rose his head and looked at Sander with a frown. Scratch that previous thought. 

“What the fuck?” 


	47. Sunday - 19/01/2020 - 14.38

“I come unarmed, don’t shoot.” Milan said, entering Zoë’s room after knocking three times but not getting any reply. He closed the door behind him and ignored Zoë’s glare from where she was sitting by the window. They both knew she had no grounds to be mad at Milan.

Milan took a seat on the bed, and put down the tray of snacks next to him. “I got fingerfood, if you want some?”

Zoë shook her head, taking a deep sigh. 

What she wanted was clarity. A distinction between what was real, and what was Viktor’s horrible manipulation. The knowledge if the guy she loved would throw away everything they had for the sake of his brother, or not. Because at this point, Zoë wasn’t certain. 

She wasn’t certain if Senne even loved her anymore, despite him claiming over and over again that he would never stop. Which version was the truth?

Milan clicked his tongue and took some of the cheese for himself when Zoë refused to look at him directly. It was sunday afternoon. Just the two of them at the apartment. So yes, he made attempt number 13568 to get her to talk to him. Call him desperate or maybe selfish but he just really needed this pining to be over and for Zoë and Senne to be back together already.

“You know, maybe you should just go on vacation or something. You’ve been here all winter break. Maybe you could go visit your parents?” Milan suggested. 

It was the only thing he could think of right now that would get an actual reaction out of Zoë, and when she scoffed and looked at him with a raised eyebrow, he knew he had succeeded. 

“Okay...” he said, moving closer. “So then what? Are you just going to sit here and hope he gives up on taunting you? You’re going to keep doubting things, because you let your mind go to the place with the worst case scenarios? Zoë that’s not healthy...”

“I don’t need to... I just need to... think.” she sighed.

But that wasn’t even true. She had been thinking, all day. And Milan did have a point. All it got her were doubts. 

Releasing her legs back onto the floor she moved the chair over to the bed, and grabbed a handful of the snacks on Milan’s little tray. 

“Can we just talk about something else? Give me some gossip. Tell me who is coming to the party Friday...”

“Gossip. Okay. Eh.. Sonja from my psychology class is apparently hooking up with a TA. It’s all over the confessions page, because apparently, he is newly married so it’s this big scandal. Eh... what else? Oh, my friend Michael got his bike stolen during the three minutes he was at the convenience store getting some more redbull. I swear those bike thieves have been eyeing exhausted college students these last few weeks. Oh and...”

Zoë smiled, happy to see Milan rant about all the mundane things in the world and she welcomed his exciting chatter because right now it tuned out the doubts in her head.

“Oh crap. Yeah, I totally forgot I still haven’t printed that in three copies.” Milan said, suddenly in panic. He then looked at Zoë and he realized she probably wasn’t half paying attention to anything he was saying, but he decided not to take it in offense. 

“I will have to go to the printshop. Do you need anything from the store? It’s on my way.” he said, getting up from the bed. 

“No, I’m good.” She smiled. 

Milan sighed deeply, knowing she wasn’t anywhere near good but he had ran out of options on things he could do to help. Well, that wasn’t true. There were other things he could try. But they wouldn’t be as safe as bringing her a plate of snacks. He knew she would appreciate snacks. He didn’t know if she would appreciate if he did what she couldn’t and reach out to Senne to find out the truth. 

Should he?

The question remained on his mind as he left the apartment a few minutes later, and while he leaned his back against the printer while it produced a triple copy of his 26 page-essay, he had the time to think it over.

After first hearing from Robbe, and then Zoë playing the voicemail earlier this morning to him in the kitchen, Milan was 75% certain it was just Viktor being a dick and making something up to taunt her with. But the other 25% of him considered it could be the truth. Maybe not the full truth. But maybe there was a reason why this dinner was taking place, if it was. Maybe there was a family occasion, and Viktor used his manipulative half-truths to convince her something else was happening. Just like when he took those pictures of Zoë last spring.

“Sorry, are you almost done? I need that machine.” a guy then spoke, and Milan looked up to find someone on the verge of snapping their fingers at him, clearly agitated. 

“Eh no, sorry. I have...” he said, looking over his shoulders. “17 pages to go.”

The guy groaned, and Milan watched him reluctantly move to the other machine. When the guy noticed Milan looking at him in offence, he sighed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just that the middle printer seems to be faster. And I have a deadline. But this one will do fine, no worries.”

“Yeah no I get that. That’s why I always take this one.” Milan chuckled. He then saw the two piles the guy was holding, and Milan watched his number go down to single digits. “Here. 9 pages left. You can split the piles over two machines.”

The guy frowned and looked around, the unspoken rule being that one person couldn’t occupy two machines at the same time. 

“I’ll pretend they’re mine.” Milan winked. 

“Okay. Great. Thanks.” The guy said, handing out one of his papers to Milan.

When Milan raid the title of the essay he was somewhat impressed, and reading the name below he smiled as he looked up. “Nice to meet you Jonathan. I’m Milan, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you Milan.” the guy smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in dedication to my home printer which would die on me the night of an important deadline. I swear, those things can smell stress...
> 
> Leave a comment or kudos if you've liked this chapter from Milan's POV!


	48. Monday - 20/01/2020 - 15.17

“I told Robbe about the spraypaint thing yesterday.” Sander blurted out at the coffeeshop. Looking up, he saw Mia pause her pencil movements and he averted his eyes quickly back to the contents of his cup.

“That night in high school? The one you told me about?” Mia asked, just to make sure they were talking about the highly traumatic event that had shaped Sander’s final years of his childhood.

Sander nodded, taking a sip just to distract himself. 

“You told me you didn’t think you’d ever tell anyone else.” Mia said, then her hand reaching out to his. 

Sander smiled, the gesture being as comforting as he needed right now but not too intrusive. Mia knew him well, Sander thought. She had become much like a sister to him. The sibling he never had, an instant connection made on their joint first day of college together. 

Sander observed the soft stroking movements of her thumb, until they pauzed under his gaze and Sander looked up to meet her eyes. “Sander, what happened?”

She knew, of course. She knew something must have happened for him to reveal that type of story to someone new. She still remembered the way Sander had been shaking through the whole thing when he first told her the story 4 months ago. That was right after Sander observed a group of guys walking in the distance at the Theaterplein. His former friends. 

“When you.... When you invited us to Ossenmarkt, and I told Robbe about it, it kind of brought up some stuff. Another story. One that I haven’t told you about.” Sander said. He swallowed, looking for the next words to say. 

“Something similar to the night at the kaaien happened at Ossenmarkt. But I wasn’t alone. Robbe was there. And frankly he got the worst of it. Because... well... because we were together. And some people didn’t like that.”

Sander looked up, his eyes begging her not to make him say it out loud. Talking about it with anyone was still hard, and he would still prefer sticking to his preferred coping mechanism which was focussing on the good memories of the night. But he knew that in order to lift the weight of his chest, he had to tell her. And when she gasped and covered her mouth with her hand, he nodded. He heard her mumble ‘it’s 2020 for fuck’s sake’ and Sander bowed his head again, focussing on the content of his cup once more. 

“Sander, I’m so sorry about that. You... you shouldn’t have to go through that type of stuff. Two men in love should be normalized by now. I mean, you guys are a super cute couple and I -”

“Mia.” Sander cut in, and he swiftly caught her drifting attention once again. She nodded at him to continue. 

“I... wanted to tell him. And I’m glad I did.”

Mia smiled and then leaned forward a bit, her chin resting on her hand. “So your feelings about him must be pretty strong then? I mean... if you told him that whole story about the kaaien? It’s very personal. You... you never told Britt, right?”

Sander looked up and shook his head. No, in he 6 months he dated Britt and despite her endless series of questions on why he changed his hair and how he was like in high school, he never told her the story of what had happened. 

Mia hummed and then leaned back, arms crossed. “Yeah I’m team Robbe all the way. This settles it.”

Sander looked up with a curious smile, and Mia shrugged. “You’re able to tell him everything, it seems. And you’ve been through something big together, yet you came out on top. And I’ve never seen you happier these last few weeks than the entire time you dated Britt. This new relationship... it’s good for you. I approve.” 

Sander smiled, tilting his head and considering what she said.

“It’s not like things with Britt were thàt bad.” he said, and Mia clicked her tongue. “Sander, she was controlling. Come on, we both know you should’ve dumped her even before you met Robbe.”

“You all?” Sander frowned. 

“Yeah. We kind of all agreed that she wasn’t right for you but we didn’t say anything because we trusted you to make your own decisions. And we didn’t want you to think it was because she was young, because you know Maxim dated that one girl for a few months and...”

Sander loved talks with Mia, but sometimes she had the tendency to get lost on thought and she didn’t realize she was drifting away from the subject. But he had also mastered the look that he gave her every time she did, and it would usually put them back on track. 

“Anyways, yeah. Team Robbe.” Mia said, with fingerguns. 

“I will let him know.” Sander smiled. Then again if he would, he knew it would probably become a thing and he’d get another comment saying his friends prefered his boyfriend over himself. So maybe Sander should just keep this compliment to himself, and just use it to praise his ego for having good taste in guys. 

“So what feedback did you get on your pieces this morning? Vermaelen is a sucker for the type of pieces you make.” Mia said, glancing at her own sketchbook which she had put to the side once their conversation got serious. But she had brought it because she knew Sander didn’t mind if she worked while they talked, and she still had one piece to finish for her deadline on Thursday...

“Hmm I don’t know. It was hard to figure out. I passed, I just can’t tell if it’s an 11 or a 16.”

To this Mia scoffed. “That’s a luxury issue. A pass is a pass.” she said, taking her cup of coffee with two hands and taking a sip. 

“And wednesday? You’re on schedule for semiotics?”

Sander blew out some air, shaking his head. “What’s a schedule?” he joked. 

But he really shouldn‘t be joking. Not about semiotics, since it was the one course he had completely abandoned and had paid no regards to since midway through October. And now he had two days left to prepare enough for the exams to get a decent grade. And he hated himself for thinking it, but perhaps this course was the one he would be okay with getting a simple 10 in order to pass.

What helped keep the panic at bay was that the exam was the final one, the thought of just being able to spend days on end doing nothing excited him to no measure.

“A schedule is something some people need to stick to in order to get all the work done that they have planned. People like me.” she said, now getting up from her seat. 

Sander had already been lost in the nearby future of chill days just having no responsibilities, when he looked up and saw his friend was leaving. 

“You have to go?”

“Yeah. I really need to get back to work. But good about that feedback from Vermaelen, and say hi to Robbe for me.” 

She hugged him goodbye and left, waving at him through the window outside and Sander leaned back against the chair with a deep sigh, trying to figure out what he would do next.


	49. Tuesday - 21/01/2020 - 16.03

“You’re taking the bus?” Robbe asked, walking up to the busstop where Jens was waiting, checking the time that bus 21 would arrive. But seeing how it was notorious for never sticking to the public transportation schedule, he figured he should just cross his fingers and hope he arrived home before dark. 

“Yeah. One of the bottles of beer from the party fell, left some glass and I cut open the tire of my bike this morning.” Jens explained. His hands were dug inside his pockets, and his overall demeanor was avoiding direct eyecontact. 

Robbe nodded, then taking in the people waiting for the bus, a mix of the youngest kids from their school and some teachers he didn’t know. 

“So did the bottle fall before or after you made out with Noor?” Robbe asked. 

Just for one minute, he thought. Just one minute of dragging his best friend through the shame spiral, and then he would let it go. He had promised himself, and Sander, that he wouldn’t embarass Jens any longer than he deserved. 

“I eh... No it wasn’t when... I mean I don’t know exactly when it happened.” Jens said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I just... I mean, we... Yeah we were out in the garage and, I don’t know it just...”

Okay twenty seconds would do, Robbe thought. 

“Jens, Jens... chill. Chill.” Robbe said, holding his hands up. “I don’t care.”

Jens frowned, dropping his arm and his tense, raised shoulders. “You don’t?”

Robbe shook his head. He literally didn’t care, at all. Okay, maybe he had cared for a moment when Sander first told him. Maybe he’d felt a sense of betrayal because there was a bro code. But he quickly concluded that it wasn’t applicable in this case since he never had any real feelings for Noor.

“Dude, I’ve been avoiding you two whole days at school. I thought you’d be pissed. Today I briefly thought Sander hadn’t told you but...”

“Yeah he did, on Sunday.” Robbe smirked. 

Jens head fell back and he sighed. Fucking hell. “Don’t ever do that to me again.”

“It depends, if you have any plans to make out with any other people I made out with first. If you want Sander I’ll have to fight you on it...” he joked. 

Jens smiled back, then adjusting his backpack on his shoulder. “Well it’s not like you had that much success...” he then teased, reaching out for Robbe’s hair as they silently agreed to go for a walk now that Jens was no longer tense about Robbe’s reaction. 

“Yeah but you do though.” Robbe winked. “Britt, Jana, Noor... I think you do have a bit of a thing for only dating girls that we both know.”

“We’re not dating.” Jens corrected. They hadn’t even spoken, or texted, since they finished things off in the garage.

“Still...” Robbe said, looking aside. “Seems like my approval is pretty important. Like I’m already furfilling my duty as your best men 10 years before you actually get married.”

“Ugh, gross. I’m not getting married. And if I do I’ll not pick you as my best man.” Jens replied.

Robbe scoffed, shaking his head. “Sure you will. When the right person comes along you’ll change your mind. Trust me, from someone who has already been proposed to.” 

Jens frowned and looked to the side, vaguely recalling Robbe mentioning something like that in one of their lunchtime talks. Jens remembered Robbe dropping it in between two bites of his sandwhich and shrugging, because apparently there was nothing more than to be said about it. 

“It’s weird how domestic you two already are.” Jens thought out loud as they continued walking, in the direction of the pedestrian bridge over the highway. 

“Domestic? We don’t even live together, man.”

“Might as well though. He’s at your place all the time? Back when you still lived in the apartment, and now...”

Robbe shook his head, looking at his best friend. “Yeah but there’s circumstances. After checking himself out he literally slept at school. He needed somewhere safe. So of course I let him stay at my place. I wasn’t gonna be an even more crap boyfriend than I already was back then.” Robbe chuckled. 

He had messed so many things up, but finding Sander that monday morning had been the best thing he had done in a while. And he regretted not doing it sooner. But he was glad he had found the right words to say that morning and convince Sander to come home with him.

“Yeah well, even now though. He’s not in that place anymore. Yet your mom has been telling my mom that she loves having Sander at the house.”

Robbe laughed. He knew his mom and Jens’ often crossed paths. What surprised him was his mom so openly gushing about his boyfriend. 

“Yeah but that’s because she is still used to making food for 3 people. It’s just convenient if he’s there so we won’t throw away food.”

“Oh he will be delighted to hear that.” Jens chuckled. “A convenience.”

“Nooo..” Robbe sighed. “You know what I mean.”

“I do. But you’re still super domestic.”

Robbe then leaned his bike against one of the benches at the small park that was roughly in the middle of where they both lived. 

“But you and Noor aren’t? Was it just a one time thing?” Robbe then asked, remembering the one thing he set out to know about the whole thing. 

Jens sighed and stared ahead at the traffic on the highway. Was it? Who knew. It’s not like they exchanged more thank a wink and a smile after she gave him a blowjob in the first few minutes of his birthday. Great way to start a day of celebrations, but was it a great way to start an actual relationship? 

“I don’t know man. I just have a bunch of shit going on. I really shouldn’t be getting into anything serious.” Jens said, shaking his head. The thought alone gave him a bit of a headache. 

The silence that followed next was filled by both of them just checking the social media on their phone, but eventually Robbe put his away and looked at Jens. 

“So, what’s the verdict? You know I have to ask, Jens. I know Noor is not the only reason you’ve been avoiding me. It’s Utrecht too, right? Have they decided?”

Jens closed his eyes and mumbled something like ‘I was hoping you wouldn’t bring it up’ until he leaned forward, elbows on his thighs. 

“Well, they didn’t find a proper house over the weekend. All the places they went to check were just not right. Bedrooms too small. No parking space. Badly maintainted wood...”

“Your mom literally worked at an architecture firm.” Robbe chuckled. “It doesn’t surprise me she is a bit picky.”

“Yeah well... for now it means we’re not moving yet.” Jens concluded. Then he finally looked away from the highway, and looked at Robbe. “And with my sister’s school and everything, I don’t think my mom will want to take them out in the middle of the trimester. So maybe with the upcoming krokus vacation. Or easter break. One of the school holidays...” 

“Okay...” Robbe said. It was better than saying nothing. But it wasn’t really okay. 

Even with his dad leaving and his mom being admitted, Robbe realized his parents always tried to give him stability. His dad eventually realized that switching schools or commuting for two hours every day wasn’t going to do him any favors. Then again, his dad moved to Ghent, not Utrecht. The distance wasn’t as big, which had probably contributed to his dad agreeing to let him stay in Antwerp. He was only a phonecall away. 

Robbe could see why Jens’ parents were less likely to let him stay in Antwerp to finish out his year, or potentially even high school. Jens was close to his entire family. And then being apart would be much harder. Jens’ parents weren’t going to leave their son by himself.

“Hey if you need something to distract yourself a bit, there’s a party at the flatshare Milan is throwing on Friday. It's technically 18+ but Milan would be cool with it if you joined.”

Jens looked at Robbe and frowned. “18 plus? What kind of party is this?” he said confused.

Robbe laughed and shook his head, also waving his hands. “No no no... No it’s eh...” Robbe had to catch his breath from laughing. “It’s an end of exam party. For those in college.”

“Oh. Okay, I was gonna say.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Robbe said, lightly shoving Jens’ shoulder.

“But yeah. Sounds cool. I’ll think about it, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Robbe said. Then he got up and got back on his bike. He should be getting home now. “I gotta go. I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”

“Sure thing.” Jens said, before he watched Robbe drive off onto the bike path, and he slapped his hands on his tighs, encouraging himself to get up too, just hoping that whatever scenario he came home to was one he would be able to escape with the excuse of having homework to do.


	50. Wednesday - 22/01/2020 - 16.02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached 50 chapters! That's so amazing!
> 
> Thanks to everyone for the great support so far. Your comments and kudos and dm's on twitter have meant the world to me, and inspired me to keep going.   
> For those of you wondering: I plan to continue all the way up to S4 so there will be many more chapters to follow and I will try to stick as close to the established canon as I possibly can. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter. Come say hi on twitter @TayaTinkerbell, because I love talking to all of you about what you think of this story.

Sander took a deep exhale when he pushed open the door of his exam building, the fresh air welcoming him and the cold crashing into him at the same time but he didn’t care. He was fucked either way, pneumonia would only be a small inconvenience compared to the fact that he was 100% certain he did not pass his semiotics exam just now. 

All of his plans of maybe going on a holiday in August went out the window . He even would’ve settled for carefree afternoons in the city center of Antwerp, especially if the weather would be as warm as it was last summer. But now, all he could think about was that he was the guy who failed first year semiotics. And the unavoidable series of comments he would get if he would have to repeat it next year.

“Fuck.” Sander cursed as his hands covered his face. 

All those nights he spent on his other projects, the days after his episode where he told himself he could take things slow. The holidays, where he gave himself one day off of studying. All of that time he could’ve spent on studying for the one course he didn’t want to fail. But he had to go and be too confident in himself. He had to go and assume things would go his way for once. 

Sander felt like the sound around him was not getting through and his breaths were becoming more labored. As he looked around him, his hands swinging to his sides, he tried to make sure nobody was around. But there were people there. Walking from one building to the other, on their way to their own exams, or just finishing. And he knew the last thing he needed was to be seen having a panic attack in the middle of his campus. He had to get out of there. Put as much distance between himself and his academic failure as possible, so he ordered his feet to carry him out through the main gate. 

Then he turned the corner, already looking for his keys in his jacket to unlock his bike, his feet suddenly stopped, the rest of his body coming to a standstill upon seeing that smile directed at him. And suddenly, seeing the one person that he needed in this moment stand in front of him, Sander felt relief. He felt he could to let go of the weight he had been carrying around for weeks. And Robbe, the most thoughtful boyfriend, was offering that to him by pulling him into his arms. 

“Hey.” Robbe said softly, whispering over Sander’s shoulder, because he could tell Sander was a bit worked up and stuck in his head. When he felt the vague grip on him grow tighter, Robbe knew he had reached him. Like a ship arriving in the harbor. A safe haven he wanted to be for his boyfriend.

“What are you doing here?” Sander asked, breaking the hug to look at him while he tried to get himself to relax.. They were still in the middle of town, they were nowhere near the type of place for him to be able to relax but just being in Robbe’s embrace already meant so much...

“I knew you had your final exam today. I knew you started at 2 so I just.... waited out here.” Robbe said. He was fully aware how it made him seem like a bit of a stalker. But it was something Milan had said in his excitement about the party. How every single student would need to let loose and just get shitfaced. But something about that didn’t seem right in this series of events. It wasn’t a formula that applied to everyone. And judging by the way his boyfriend was anxiously looking around right now, he had been right in assuming it wasn’t what Sander would need right now. 

“Can we just go to your place?” Sander asked. Robbe could see the exhaustion, and the strain of trying to hold it together for so long. He could tell Sander was at the very end of his energy. In comparison he himself was energized, only having to sit through four classes at school this morning because it was wednesday. The contrast was striking. 

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. Are you sure you don’t wanna be in your own bed, though?” Robbe asked.

Sander moved to unlock his bike, shaking his head. “All my books are there and I don’t want to have to deal with that right now. I need a break from exams.”

Must be like the dumping ground he had found himself in need of packing after his own exams had finished last month, Robbe imagined. 

“Okay, yeah. We can go to my house.” Robbe agreed, getting on his bike and starting the twenty minutes bikeride, which was spent mostly in silence.

They both knew the route, and despite the fact that he would love to know what was going on in his boyfriend’s brain, Robbe knew not to pry. He wasn’t there to add more stress to Sander’s life, and like he had just mentioned he didn’t want any more reminders of his exams so Robbe chose to just mumble along to some Greenday song that was on StuBru right before he turned his headphones off as he saw Sander exit the campus earlier. 

“Here we are.” Robbe said, and this time he didn’t need to instruct Sander where to put his bike. 

As Robbe grabbed out his keys, he could feel Sander closely next to him and as soon as the kitchen door closed behind them Sander dropped his bag on the floor. “Mama?” Robbe yelled out, knowing he hadn’t kept track of her plans for the day in exchange of trying to figure out when Sander’s exams took place. But by the abscence of her reply, Robbe concluded she was running errands. 

He then turned to Sander and his slid Sander’s jacket off his shoulders before his hands ran back up his arms, his thumbs pressing into the tense muscles. “Relax. I got you.” he said, observing the strain in Sander’s eyes. 

When Sander swayed his head, a sign that he was reluctant to accept that as the truth, Robbe shook his head. He would have none of that. “Sander.” he said sternly.

But Sander hated it. He hated being weak and needing others to look out for him. He hated that for the second time in a few weeks, he felt like he was completely crashing only this time it was due to the overwhelming amount of stress brought on by exams instead of an episode. And he hated bringing that burden onto someone who had already dealt with so much of it. 

“This isn’t like last time, I...”

“It’s okay.” Robbe cut in. The last thing he wanted was for Sander to feel like he had to explain himself. “Just, take off your shoes cause my mom probably cleaned the house today. I’m texting her in a moment to tell her you’re staying for dinner.” Which he was sure would be no problem. 

“Kom.” Robbe then said, reaching out his hand once Sander’s boots were off and they walked upstairs. 

“Maybe I should have gone home anyways.” Sander spoke as they approached Robbe’s room. “I... I don’t feel like I can do anything other than sleep right now, and I can do that in my own bed. I can -”

“Sandeeeer.” Robbe sighed, still holding his hand and walking them into his room before he closed the door. 

And as Robbe closed yet another door behind them, all Sander could feel was another layer added onto his bubble and his protest slowly fading. 

“I have some sweatpants.” Robbe then said, moving over to a drawer, before throwing a pair of dark grey sweatpants onto the bed. Robbe then moved to plug his phone into his charger on the opposite end of the bed.

By the time Robbe got his sweatshirt off and had closed the curtains, Sander was already in bed, breathing in the scent of Robbe’s pillow and Robbe smiled at the sight. For however much Sander was older and had more days on this planet, the way he was curled up right now he seemed just as young as himself and in urgent need of a solid nap.

“Want the real thing?” Robbe asked, and Sander nodded before Robbe got into his own bed. Sander sighed contently and once they got a comfortable position, Robbe just moved his fingertips over the area he could reach, Sander’s shoulder blade and his spine.

“Is it okay if I sleep for a bit?” Sander then asked, and Robbe looked down before pressing a kiss to the top of Sander’s head. “Of course. I will wake you for dinner, okay? I got you. You can go to sleep.”

And with the soothing motion on his back and the steady breathing of his boyfriend, Sander allowed himself to fall asleep. 

Robbe noticed as soon as Sander’s breath evened out, and decided to message his mom so she was aware. When she replied a few minutes later, Robbe failed to realize his phone wasn’t yet on silent and he noticed Sander shift in his sleep, a complaining noise coming from him too. Robbe cursed, quickly putting his phone on silent and he watched as Sander fell deeper into unconciousness again, the worried frown on his face slowly fading.

Robbe then checked to make sure Sander’s volume was switched off too. He then noticed an incoming call from Mia, and he let the call go to voicemail before he grabbed his own phone and started typing. 

[Sander is asleep. I’ll tell him to call you back when he wakes up?] 

It took a while for Mia to reply, but when she did Robbe was a bit surprised. 

[Okay. Can we meet up tomorrow? I have my final exam at 10.]

Robbe dropped his phone against his chin, trying to figure out what reason Mia would have to want to talk to him. Was it not okay that he had taken Sander to his place? Was there another school obligation Sander hadn’t mentioned? In the end, Robbe concluded that she would have a reason and he decided to agree to meet up during his lunch break at school. 

[Sure. Can you come to KAB at 12.30 tomorrow?]

[I’ll be there] Mia replied, and Robbe put his phone on the nightstand again after that, a final bit of confusion lingering before he decided to ignore it. He then re-adjusted the sheets, noticing they had slid off Sander’s shoulders, and Sander moved underneath them to welcome the warmth.

Next time Sander moved, Robbe saw him open his eyes with slow blinks. 

“Hey.” Robbe smiled, noticing Sander’s lashes blink in the corner of his eye. 

“What happened to the food?” Sander asked. He could tell he had slept more than two hours based on the fact that it was now dark outside. Robbe chuckled at that. He knew his boyfriend had been in the deep dive student mode, probably not eating three meals a day and not seeing anything green on his plate. Of course the first thing he would ask for was food.

“Eh.. 6 more minutes.” Robbe said, lifting his phone to check the time. He gently brushed the hair out of Sander’s face a bit, and his vision now no longer obscured, Sander looked up and leaned closer to press a kiss to Robbe’s cheek. “Thank you. I just needed to crash for a bit.”

Robbe nodded, then gesturing to Sander’s phone on the nightstand. “Mia called earlier. I texted her saying you were asleep.”

Sander hummed and burried himself back into Robbe’s chest. “I could sleep for days, honestly.”

“And you can do that now that your exams are over. You have a week and a half off now right?” Robbe asked. Sander nodded, eyes already falling shut a bit. Robbe touched Sander’s cheek to keep them open. “Baby, stay awake. You smell that?”

When Sander looked up in the direction of the door he seemed to switch gears in his head, allowing his nose to pick up scents now. The flavor of homemade food that came from downstairs was enough to put a smile on his face.

“That smells delicious.”

“Let’s go downstairs. It will be done by the time we get there.”

Eventually, the fact that his mouth was watering convinced Sander that they should in fact eat instaed of sleep more and he gratefully accepted a large portion from Ilse.

“Are you staying the night, Sander?” Ilse asked. Robbe just continued scooping the food into his mouth in continuous motions, apparently leaving the answer up to Sander’s choice. 

Sander looked at him questioningly. “Eh yeah? If.. If that’s okay?”

He knew he would have to return home at some point. On his way down the stairs he had already texted Mia and his parents so they wouldn’t think he dissappeared. But he hadn’t made any specific plans with Robbe yet. However the alternative being returning to his trash room with all his books, the offer of just spending time with his boyfriend seemed a delight at this moment.

“Of course that’s okay.” Robbe said.

“Yeah. Tomorrow I will just be at the treatment center for most of the afternoon for group session. But please, make yourself at home, Sander.” Ilse smiled. 

And Sander wanted to tell her that he was. That he felt at home here in the house. That Ilse’s openness to let him stay had meant a lot to him, and it wasn’t something he took for granted. Especially since this was a family home, not a flatshare. The pressence here was different. It felt a bit more weird to walk around in a place where there were so many memories. But that was also what made it more warm. More home.


	51. Thursday 23/01/2020 - 07.58

It was nothing new for Zoë to be early to school these days. Now that she no longer coordinated her bikeride with Robbe, she just left whenever she was ready and she didn’t mind the quiet when she got to the school before the masses arrived. 

What was different today was that Zoë spotted Jana in the hall by her locker. And considering Jana had the most notes for being late out of their group, that was surprising. 

“Jana?” Zoë frowned, and Jana looked up to the other side of her locker door, while she was in the middle of fixing her hair up in a bun. 

“Hi.” she said, wrapping the hairtie. “You’re here early?”

“Yeah. I usually am these days. I don’t have a bike buddy to wait for anymore.” Zoë pouted a little. Jana smiled and then Zoë frowned. “What about you? I’d think you’d still be in bed at this time?” Zoë said looking at the imaginary watch on her wrist, before she gave Jana a teasing smile. 

“Ha. Ha.” Jana said, rolling her eyes. “No I actually had breakfast with my mom. She stayed home until the morning instead of leaving last night. But she did have an early flight to Zurich so...”

As Jana threw her bag over her shoulder they started walking to the first class they had together, which was English on the other side of the school, so they might as well make their way over there now.

“By the way, I have this new favorite couple on TV. It’s from this sci-fi show that’s usually not my thing but -”

“Do you think I should call Senne?” Zoë cut in. She looked at her friend with an unsure expression, while at the same time being apologetic for cutting her off mid-sentence. Truthfully, Zoë hadn’t been the best friend over these past few weeks, being tuned out of most talks with the girls because her mind just couldn’t let go the alternative scenarios that could’ve unfolded in 2019. And now she was just dropping this type of question on Jana at 8AM in the morning, for the first time in 2020 mentioning his name out loud on top of it all.

The regret came instantly, and she was about to say ‘nevermind’ and suggest they kept walking when Jana put her hand on Zoë’s arm, and then stopped to look at her. 

“Is this about what was in the voicemail?” Jana asked, and she had that empathic look in her eyes, the same one she had when Zoë had first told the girls about Viktor. And Zoë knew that she would always be able to count on her friends.

_“If you need me, any time, you can just call me and I will get there as soon as I can. You don’t need to spend another minute feeling like he has control over you. He is an ass, and you are much stronger than him. And we are even stronger together.” Jana had whispered as she locked her friend in a tight hug shortly after Zoë had mentioned she had reported Viktor to the police._

_She wasn’t a poet who could come up with the exact right words on the spot, but she did grow up in the 21st century and she had been exposed to enough examples of unity making girls stronger that she felt passionate enough to tell her best friend she had her back._

_“Thanks. But I don’t think he is going to reach out to me again. I don’t think he suspected me to actually file a report, so hopefully this will be enough to shut him up.”_

She was wrong, sadly. And when she received that voicemail last weekend, her worst fear since the summer had come true.

Zoë looked at her, and then looked away. She leaned against the wall behind her, sighing deeply. She wished she could say it wasn’t. She wished she had just changed her mind about the break-up and that Viktor’s voicemail had no affect on her. But Zoë had already spent 15 minutes crying onto Jana’s shoulder at Jens’ party this weekend, so what was the point in pretending...

“I think maybe I should call him. Cause... You see I chose to break up with him. Because I knew we were a bomb that could explode any moment.” Zoë felt ready to continue walking again, and Jana followed along.

“And that was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to take but I was dealing with it.” Zoë said, and at this point Jana looked at her with a look. She wouldn’t exactly describe Zoë’s most recent interactions as ‘dealing’ with anything. Up until last week they never were able to get her to leave the flatshare during the weekend. 

“Yeah well.... Anyways. I just feel like I was getting to a better place. Because even though we broke up, I never had doubts about him. And now I do. Because of something his brother said. And I really don’t want to give Viktor that type of power that he can make me doubt Senne’s character but I just... I can’t seem to shove that thought down.”

Jana sighed and gave Zoë the hug she needed, before placing a hand on each of Zoë’s shoulders. “Zoë, you deserve to move on. From Viktor, certainly. And if moving on from Senne is what you need then that too. But whatever you do, you can’t let that asshole make you doubt the type of guy Senne is.”

“I thought we were not talking about Senne?” Yasmina then said walking up to them. It startled Zoë for a moment, but she quickly welcomed Yasmina’s hug. “Explain?”

They got to the classroom they had to be in and Zoë leaned against the wall, lowering herself to the floor. “I just don’t know what’s truth and what’s not anymore. His words keep lingering in my head. And I don’t even care if Senne has dinner with his family, I -”

“Yes you do.” Yasmina nodded. “You care. And you don’t want him to. Because you think it shows his loyalty to his brother.” 

“Well he did swear he would never be in the same room as him again, so going to a family dinner is kinda going back on that promise...” Jana reasoned. 

“Yes, but he made that promise when they were still together. And now you’re not. And I know Senne was like a great guy when he was with you but he is still a guy. And guys go back on their promises all the time.” Yasmina spoke. 

And it almost seemed to Zoë as if she had a personal angle she was speaking from, but Zoë decided not to press on that when she had her own issue to worry about. 

“Well, I think that promise wasn’t just one he made to Zoë. It was also one he made to himself.” Jana argued. “And that is one he is supposed to keep. So if what Viktor said it’s true, and Senne broke his own promise and is going to that dinner then he has changed.”

“Again.” Yasmina added.

Zoë glared at her for a moment, but Yasmina wouldn’t relent. 

“So I shouldn’t call him? I shouldn’t try to figure out if it’s even true, and if it’s true I shouldn’t try to stop him?”

“I think you should call to find out if it’s true.” Jana recommended. “And if he knows you called, then maybe he will remember why he said he wouldn’t do something like that again and then maybe he won’t go.”

“Or you just let him fuck up his own life and you can be glad that he can’t fuck up yours any longer and move on.”

“Geez Yasmina. I never knew you hated Senne so much.”

And to this Yasmina’s face dropped a little. “I don’t hate Senne. I just think that this is the second girl in our group that he has caused these sort of doubts with. And I don’t like to see a guy mess with my friends like that.”

“You’re here early girls...” Mr Verhaegen then said as he walked up in the hallway, opening up the classroom door for them. 

And just like that, the conversation was over and they took their seats in the classroom, and more students filed in one by one until the first bell rang, indicating the start of the day.

“I think you should...” Jana whispered

“It’s okay Jana. Let’s just drop it.” Zoë sighed. The last thing she wanted was to be rude, but she didn’t need more contradictions right now. And as Zoë looked over her shoulder to where Yasmina was sitting, she smiled softly. 

Maybe Yasmina was right. Maybe walking away from all of this was the best option. Move on. Completely.


	52. Thursday - 23/01/2020 -  12.34

“Hey.” Robbe said as he walked out through the school gate. He saw Mia look up at the school name on the building above, and he looked up himself. 

“My cousin went here.” Mia said, smiling. “You like it?”

Robbe nodded, shrugging his shoulders a bit. “It’s a good school.” he commented. What else could he say? It wasn’t like he conciously chose it for it’s amazing curriculum. His parents asked him what school he wanted, and his literal reply had been ‘the one where Jens will go’ and here he was, fifth year at KAB.

Mia hummed, and then looked back at the street. “Shall we go somewhere?”

Robbe nodded and put his hands in his pockets, trying to come up with places to go. The tram that just took off at the crossing of the street gave him inspiration, but he didn’t want to bother with going too far and so he thought of a location to get on foot.

“Brilschanspark? I have less than an hour lunch break, so...”

“Sounds good.” Mia agreed, before they walked their way over the bridge to a park Robbe had memories of visiting with his dad. Once they got there, they chose a bench and Mia pulled out a package of sigarettes from her purse. “Mind if I smoke?”

Robbe shook his head and looked around for a bit, looking up at the clouds which seemed to predict rain arriving soon. He should get back to the school as soon as possible. 

“I was supposed to meet up with Sander after our exam but he was gone when I got outside of the building.” Mia said. She leaned forward a bit to look at the boy sitting next to her. “He left not too long before me. So imagine my confusion when he’s gone by the time I get outside. You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?” 

In typical fashion, Mia was smiling at him and Robbe sighed in relief to know she wasn’t actually mad at him. Sander had told him about what had happened, how he planned to wait for Mia outside the school and how that was the reason she called him. 

“Then again, I guess if I have to pick one person to be ditched for by Sander, it’s good it was you.” Mia then said, a soft smile on her lips.

Robbe blushed a bit at that, and shrugged his shoulders because he wasn’t sure why she was saying these things, because he didn’t do anything special. He just showed up when Sander needed him. And he had much more failures than successes on that track record, so he still felt like when he did it right now, he wasn’t even yet for all the times Sander was alone.

“When I left for school this morning he was still asleep. I think it finally caught up with him, I guess?” Robbe asked. He was asking in confirmation, because despite Sander indicating yesterday that this was pretty normal for people finishing exams, and that it wasn’t so much linked to his mental illness, it still confused Robbe a little bit.

Mia nodded, her index finger tapping on the sigarette. “Yeah. I mean, exams are rough. So much worse than back in high school.” she sighed. “I had my final exam this morning, so now I feel this huge weight off my shoulders. I also kinda just wanna get to bed and sleep for 6 days in a row. And I didn’t go through all the things he did these last few weeks.” Mia sighed.

“Months...” Robbe corrected. Because he knew things got complicated months ago. “He’s been holding it together for months.”

Mia took a few drags and long exhales, looking at Robbe and she shook her head, smiling. “I know. I was there. Months ago.” she replied. She had seen the dilemma on Sander’s face, even though he didn’t tell her everything in full detail. But she had seen something had changed for him when he got back from that beach trip.

Robbe looked at her, and tried to see if she judged him for how things started. But no matter how much he tried he could not hear any judgement in her voice. No venom, like Britt when she spoke to him. 

Britt who, even when she knew she had lost, when Sander had left her, had always tried to make him hurt like she was hurting. And so it wouldn’t be weird for someone like Mia, who clearly cared about Sander a lot, to want to remind him of the last few months with judgement. But she wasn’t doing that right now.

“You know, I’ve only known Sander since school started. In comparison not that much longer than you have.” she said after a short silence. “But I do feel like I know him well. He’s like a brother to me. And I want what’s best for him. I wanna like who he likes because that makes things easier for him.”

Robbe sighed and rubbed his hands together, because they were starting to get a bit cold. The clouds above them were also getting darker, and he was watching them when he suddenly felt Mia touch his arm.

“I think you’re good for him, Robbe. I really do. When you came with us on New Years, I could tell he was different around you. You kept him afloat, these last few weeks.”

Robbe took in the info, and then burried his face in his hands, his arms leaning on his knees, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion and he let out a big gasp out of his lungs at hearing those words.

“Don’t be overwhelmed. You’re doing great. You’re good for him.” Mia said, doubling down on the comfort when she could tell Robbe was still worried. 

Her intention was to take away some of that worry. To show that she, as someone who cared about Sander, knew that he was trying his best. And of course she was concerned about Sander. She knew he had a rough few weeks lately. But that was in the past now. 

“He’s not fragile, Robbe. Far from it. You know the things he has been through. But you’ve been there for him when it mattered. And he’s not going to fall apart at the seams. What happened to you guys at Ossenmarkt, his episode....”

“Wait, what?” Robbe asked, looking up. “You know about that?” Robbe frowned.

Mia nodded. “Sander told me. Because he told me he told you about the spraypaint night at the kaaien. And now we both know about two very dark times for him. But we also both know he pulled himself through it. And his episode wasn’t your fault either. That was just...”

Mia sighed. She wished she could explain. She wished she could put into words how she had observed the escalation from a distance, and how lost she felt when she received his texts after he had himself admitted. She had never felt more powerless but at the same time she felt so much pride. In the silence that settled between them, they both thought about that same night.

“Why didn’t he call you?” Robbe then asked, speaking the thought out loud that popped into his brain. He was now getting a better idea of the type of friend Mia was to Sander. And somehow that didn’t fit into the image burned in his head of Britt being there when he found Sander. “Why was Britt there?” he asked. “Do you know?”

Mia frowned and crushed the end of her sigarette. “Britt? You mean when he got admitted?” Mia asked. When Robbe nodded, Mia looked away, thinking. 

“Probably a reflex of his. It’s what Sander does. He goes to people he considers safe. He really attaches to people when he feels like he can trust them. But at the same time he tries to keep his distance from the people he loves. People he might hurt. Safety vs love… I guess Britt falls somewhere in between. He told me...” Mia said, now grabbing out her phone. She opened a chat and scrolled up a bit, then showing the screen to Robbe because he might as well just read the words directly. 

[I know you’re worried about me. But it’s better this way, for me to be in this environment. I don’t want to burden you or him with having to take care of me. My mom talks to the doctors. Britt is here because my mom likes her. She’s nice to me, even though I broke her heart. Which I don’t get. I only just hurt people. And I don’t want to do that anymore. This is the best way to ensure that I don’t do anything stupid.]

A single tear rolled over Robbe’s cheek, and he brushed it away, handing the phone back to Mia. 

“I don’t know who was called or how she got there. For all I know she just spoke for him and he didn’t have the energy to contradict her. I don’t know. I was not in town. Maybe Sander knew that. But I would’ve gotten on the first train back if he had called me that night.”

Mia looked at Robbe and he could tell she was a bit emotional too. “I really would have.” she said, trying to convince him. But Robbe was already convinced.

“Well, however it happened she was there. And that look on her face....” Robbe said, blowing out the air in his lungs. It was a lot. It still was.

Mia chuckled, looking aside to the direction they came from. “You see her every day at school?”

“I take another staircase if I know she is gonna pass by that one.” Robbe chuckled. They both laughed for a bit. It wasn’t like Mia missed the few times that she had met up with Sander and Britt, so she could understand the sentiment. 

“I can still feel her hitting me and yelling at my face that I was the reason he had his episode...” Robbe then said, his hand subconciously touching his right collarbone as he stared off into the distance.

This caused Mia to pause from where she was observing the rip in her tights around her knee. “She said that?” Mia then frowned. “She actually said it was your fault?” she said, shocked.

Robbe looked aside and nodded, sighing deeply. “She said I was just a thing he was temporarely obsessed with. Like his Bowie lyrics.” Robbe said, which made Mia frown because by now she knew better than to think Sander’s love for Bowie was just some temporary obsession.

“Pfff.” Mia sighed, shaking her head. “She has no idea what she is saying. And she shouldn’t be taking her frustration out on you.” Mia said. She usually wasn’t one to judge another woman for how she decided to deal with a break-up. And she knew that Britt must have felt horrible, being cheated on. Mia didn’t excuse that part, she had often made that clear to Sander. But she could also recognize that Britt’s way of dealing with it by taking it out on Robbe was wrong. As if it would give her another chance with Sander or something.

“Well...” Robbe then said, figuring he had a piece of the puzzle to contribute to. “My best friend kind of did the same thing to her. So this is kind of the second time that she gets cheated on by her boyfriend with someone she knows.”

It was why he had tried his best to keep his distance at the beach bonfire and tried to frame his interactions with Sander as platonic for the remainder of the trip. Because he knew Britt and her history with Jens and Jana. And if he could just ignore those butterflies in his stomach, then he could avoid another person getting hurt. 

“So while I avoid her most days, when I do see her and she gives me one of those looks, I try not to get offended too much. I won’t try to justify my relationship to her. She eventually realized she couldn’t be a bitch to Jana forever, so I guess it will blow over soon. If now, graduation is only a year and a half away...” 

“Yeah but you can’t let her take out her pain on you, Robbe. You’re not responsible for their break-up. It was already coming long before you showed up. Trust me on that.” Mia said.

Robbe looked up and the more time he spent with her, the more he liked Mia. She was so intuitive, so good at reading other people and to figure out there worries and their thoughts, even if they remained unspoken. He could tell why she was Sander’s friend.

“I just... I don’t wanna prove her right. I don’t wanna do anything bad or wrong. But I have no tools other than that intention and... I don’t know, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing half of the time.”

“You don’t need tools. You don’t need a plan, or a vision on how you want things to go. There’s no point in trying to map it all out. Just go with the flow. If it’s a bad day, then it’s bad. If it’s a good one, then enjoy the good. As long as you love him, and he loves you, I think the two of you can overcome anything.”

Robbe then looked up, trying to see if she knew that what she said was very similar to the advice he had been given from the person they had just concluded wasn’t right for Sander. But if Mia was giving him the same advice, and if it had worked so far, then maybe taking it day by day was the best he could do.

“Anyways, let’s get back because I think we will be soaked if we don’t get up now.” Mia said, looking up at the sky. And as they made their way back Robbe felt glad about the talk, and he realized he had no reason for his nervousness before.

“Well, I hope you can relax a bit now after all those exams.” he smiled. 

Mia smiled back, shrugging. “I think I’ll just catch up on some tv-shows and sleep for the most part. I guess Sander will do the same.” 

Robbe nodded, and tucked his freezing hands in his pockets. 

“You know, he once told me his doctors would have given him a note to postpone his exams. And he told me he didn’t need it, because he could handle it but I think he might not have been entirely honest with himself?”

Mia looked at Robbe with a ‘you think’ look. They both knew Sander avoided the harsh truths. 

“I don’t know.” she said after considering a while as they walked across the bridge. “I would find it hard to decide. To give up on my exams. Especially since some of the courses are stuff we’ve been working on for weeks.” she then looked at Robbe, and reminded herself he was neither an arts student, nor in college. “I don’t think Sander is someone who gives up easily. Was it the best circumstances? No, not exactly. But he tried. And if his results are bad then so be it. Whatever he passed now, he won’t have to do in August.”

Robbe could relate to that. He had the same type of mindset with his own exams in December, when things were still so confusing he could hardly focus but he tried to gather all the energy he had and at least give it his best shot. Whatever the results were – and they ended up being not too bad – he did his best.

“He thinks he failed semiotics.” Mia shrugged. “But it’s only a three credit course so it’s mainly just other people getting in his head. It’s this desire to be the student with a perfect study path, which is bullshit and especially in the arts it’s far more important to deliver good work.”

“Sander cares a lot about his grades.” Robbe nodded. He had never dared speaking again of only needing a passing grade, knowing Sander aimed at getting at least a 13 out of 20.

“He does. So the prospect of retakes in August might feel a bit like the world was crashing around him. But compared to the idea of having to postpone his entire exam schedule, I think this was the best thing to do. And if he needs a week to recover, then he deserves it. If it takes more than that and he can’t make it to class...”

Mia shrugged.

Robbe frowned and he already grabbed out his student id as they got back to the school. “So that’s it? He just goes back to class and carries on?”

“When he wants to.” Mia emphasized. She then sighed. “I remember this semester he would sometimes show up in class, in no state to actually work, but he had some sort of argument with Britt and he needed to express his frustration. But that’s not the right way to...” 

Mia realized she was drifting again, and looked at Robbe. She sighed, empathically. “He doesn’t seem like he needs to do that with you. So... I think he should return to class when he wants to. A week could be enough. It depends. Just let him make his own decision on that.” Mia said. 

Then she reached out for a hug, which surprised Robbe for a bit. 

“But if you get sick of him, do kick him back to his place. He can be a bit of a freeloader sometimes, so if it gets too much you can just tell him to go. He won’t take it in offense.”

Robbe smiled, taking in the advice and then she told her to enjoy her afternoon relaxing while he headed back inside the school. And he hoped the rest of the day would go by smoothly, because when he’d be home Sander would be there. And despite Mia’s warning, he didn’t think that he would ever get tired of spending time with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this might be the biggest chapter I've written, but I felt like Robbe really needed to hear some of the stuff Mia had to say so this chapter just wrote itself.


	53. Friday - 24/01/2020 - 14.51

Sander exhaled when the first tones of the song started playing, and when the music submerged he felt the first wave of his high flow over him. And yes, this was perfect. This was entirely what he needed in this moment. Just enough to take the edge of, to be able to float around in his head for a bit, and dissappear from his own skin, not feeling too much, but not entirely numb either. 

Thank fucking god Sander accidentally used Maxim’s charcoal instead of his own during their first class. It was in moments like these that that interaction had paid off as they had become friends since that day.

Sander leaned his head back, before realizing Robbe’s desk chair wasn’t that reliable – he had found out the hard way – so he got up and crashed into Robbe’s bed. 

A soft smile appeared on his face, like a kid going to sleep knowing that tomorrow is Christmas.

Every day with Robbe felt like Christmas. And Christmas itself had felt like his birthday and Christmas and New Year’s and Easter all wrapped up into one. 

Fuck, Sander wanted to celebrate all of those holidays right now simultaneously. 

And Valentine’s day. Because he could not deny to himself that he was a romantic. A hopeless one previously. Now one deeply in love, with the perfect muze to create the perfect work of art to commemorate a day of love. 

Sander took another drag of the joint and checked to make sure the smoke dissappeared into the window of Robbe’s room as planned. He then grabbed his bag and his smaller sketchbook in it, before he chose a pencil and he started drawing the first lines of a commission to his relationship.

When he felt like his creative juices had emptied and his joint was almost entirely gone, he looked up through the window and he saw the sun was no longer shining directly on it. Closing his sketchbook for now, to be continued, he slowly got off the bed and moved to observe the dark clouds gathering up above. It was windy instead of snowing but Sander could conjure up the memories from last year when snow fell from the sky and covered the entire city in a layer of white. So far, 2020 was a dissappointment when it came to winter scenery.

He then grabbed out his phone and started scrolling through his social media, while walking back to the bed. He froze moments after his head landed on the pillow again, as he saw a selfie appear on his feed. He couldn’t help but let out a sigh at seeing the image.

The picture was a simple selfie. One that he knew she had three dozen of on her camera roll. The color on the wall seemed like the color he recalled was in the hallway of her house. And it was in moments like this, that Sander felt like Britt would always be a part of his life. 

And when he first met her at some party in March of last year, he had no idea who she was. They had seen each other through parties hosted by mutual friends but then she had quickly gotten to know him better. At first nothing appeared serious, just the same move most of the girls made, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Or batting her eyelashes. But then she started asking about his art. And she would actually listen. She would remember things he had mentioned liking. She even said she ‘didn’t mind’ the Bowie songs. Back then that was his standard. Someone who didn’t mind him and his weirdness. His art, his music and the way that his brain seemed to work a bit different than most people. 

Eventually, very quickly, Britt got to know him better than himself. She had him memorized and all figured out, she knew how the puzzle could fit and she had given each part of him a place in that picture.

He didn’t recall the exact moment that started getting too much, but Sander recalled feeling overwhelmed with her questions when school started for him. When he would leave his first class of the semester and there would already be 3 texts and one missed call from her. It didn’t bother him then as much as in the end, but it was the start of something. Eventually how she saw him in the end, vs how she saw him in the beginning became too contrasting and he knew they had reached the point where they fractured into something that wouldn’t work in the long run.

Sander lost track of their relationship for the weeks that followed, and he knew he shouldn’t. He knew they werent together long enough so that anniversaries and special occasions could just be forgotten and blinked over. But he did. He met amazing new friends, and he couldn’t help but feel stuck in his past every time she took him to one of her family events. Every time she would introduce him and refer to him as her ‘cool, artsy boyfriend’. One day she showed off his hair – granted he had just gotten a haircut – to her friend and Sander couldn’t help but internally scream that he didn’t do it to be cool. 

And then he cut it off.

Sander refocused his gaze on what he had been staring down the entire time his brain had taken him on a throwback, and he smiled when he saw the posters on Robbe’s wall.

Robbe. Robbe Ijzermans. 

The thought created a warm feeling in his chest, and Sander turned on his side to breathe in the scent on the other pillow. Much like last time, Robbe had made no issue of Sander staying at his house. Especially since they had the party to go to at the flatshare tonight, it wouldn’t make much sense to leave now. He had just gone out yesterday to meet Maxim at one of the parks nearby to get his supply. He had even been given a family discount, Maxim’s way of saying he knew Sander could use something to take the edge of. And he loved his friends for their understanding. In that sense, they were more like his family than his actual parents.

Sure, his mom had sent him a text asking when she would see him again. But he was old enough to last longer than one week without seeing his mom. Yet for a moment he considered texting her, just to let her know he was okay. Maybe that was because he had been getting to know Robbe’s mom better, and he saw how she tried to be there for her son emotionally speaking. Sander was perhaps a bit envious on that type of relationship with parental figures in his life.

Just as he was scrolling through his contacts, he heard Robbe’s voice downstairs. He wasn’t sure the first time if he heard Robbe call out his name, but the second time the sound came from the stairs and before Sander could reply Robbe was in his room. 

“Here you are.” he smirked. As if Sander had been a part of an ongoing game of hide and seek. But he had just been here, the entire day.

Now finally checking the time on his phone, Sander noticed it was past 6 and he leaned up on his elbows to watch Robbe walk through the room. Sander noticed Robbe throwing his bag on his desk with no intention of touching anything school related until Sunday 8PM. Then, Sander could spot a sixpack of jupiler with only one remaining can in it from a distance from where Robbe was unloading another bag on his dresser. 

“Hey.” Robbe then said once he was done, hoovering over him. After a dragged out kiss, he leaned back again. “You’ve been smoking?” Robbe asked, tilting Sander’s chin up. 

Sander nodded, moving away from Robbe’s finger. “Yes, and?” he said, leaning back challengingly. “You’ve been drinking?” he mimicked.

Robbe smiled and looked at the lonely beercan, accompanied by a bag of onion ring chips, and then he looked back at Sander. “Yes, and?”

Both boys smirked at each other as they seemed to share the thought, Robbe getting up first to grab the remainder of Sander’s joint, and Sander going for the final can of beer. 

“Where’s the rest? You drank all five of them?” Sander asked as he clicked open the can. 

“No, ofcourse not.” Robbe said, rolling his eyes as he sat by the end of his bed. “The boys had one each. I did have two.” Robbe admitted while Sander took a few sips. 

“I’m sorry what? You were out drinking two beers while I was waiting here for you? How dare you?” Sander said, putting the beer on Robbe’s nightstand and immediatly pushing Robbe on the bed, getting on top of him. 

Robbe, suddenly overwhelmed, only barely managed to reach up and put away the joint before Sander started kissing him, shortly after followed by kisses down his neck and he really really regretted not coming home earlier. 

“You know how it goes. Friday nights after school we always hang out for a bit...” Robbe uttered.

He was soon silenced by Sander’s lips on his again, but he didn’t even try to protest as he loved this feeling too much. His fingers tangled in Sander’s hair, his warm skin against Robbe’s colder hands. He was close, but not close enough, and Robbe decided there were too many layers of clothes in between them. He needed more. 

Sander appeared to be thinking the same thing, shoving Robbe’s hoodie up halfway over his chest and Robbe relied on whatever ab strength he had to raise his shoulders and pull it over his head. Better, but not entirely. And so he decided to turn them around, manoevring them on the bed and trying to get Sander’s shirt off at the very same time.

“Shirt.” Robbe added when Sander seemed too focussed on the change of position and capturing Robbe’s lips on his again. But eventually he nodded and took off his shirt, before leaning back and appreciating the view for a moment. 

“What?” Robbe chuckled from where he sat upright, and Sander reached up Robbe’s shirt, hooking onto the collar and then pulling him down for another kiss. One that was hurried and sloppy, Robbe hoovering over Sander and his hands roaming the sides of Sander’s chest in an effort to touch every part of exposed skin under him.

They both felt it. The buzz under their skin, the smoking and the drinking getting them just a bit more carried away and they were both on the same level of turned on by this whole exchange, yet neither one of them moved to take it further. 

“We... we have the party in a bit.” Sander spoke, the only one whose lips weren’t occupied as Robbe’s were creating a path down his chest. Yet Sander still made no movements to stop him. He even encouraged his boyfriend’s trajectory by tangling his fingers in his hair.

“I can be fast.” Robbe said when he reached Sander’s belt buckle. And Sander knew they didn’t have more time for anything else, but somehow he knew it wouldn’t be enough.

“Can we just... not go?” Sander suggested, eyes closed because he himself also knew that wasn’t an option. They had both promised MIlan. And just because they got high and drunk and horny didn’t mean that they could just ditch people like that. Right?

Robbe groaned and burried his head in the sheets next to Sander’s abs. Buzz efficiently killed. And Sander instantly felt regret.

“No Robbe wait. No, nevermind I said anything. I’ve waited all day for this, I missed you all day when you were at school. Please continue.” Sander said, but he was already too late because Robbe was shaking his head, still burried in the duvet. 

“Nope.” he said, once he came up to breathe in air. “You’re right. We have the party. And I haven’t eaten.”

Sander sighed deeply and fell back onto the mattress. What had he done to himself?

“You said you could be quick?” Sander pouted, and Robbe grinned. “Yeah but then I don’t get anything and that’s not exactly fair.” he said, raising an eyebrow as he got back up from the bed.

Sander scoffed. “You get plenty.” he said, smacking Robbe’s ass. “What are you eating?”

“The leftover mac and cheese from the fridge.” Robbe said as he walked to the door. He stopped by the doorframe and looked over his shoulder. “And don’t give me that look, I’m not sharing. You had all day to think of food to eat.” Robbe said. 

Touché. 

“No problem, I’ll just ask Zoë for some food once we get to the flatshare then. At least she doesn’t want me to starve.” Sander joked. 

“Well then maybe you should put on a shirt. Because Zoë isn’t easily persuaded by an exposed nipple.” Robbe replied. 

He then made his way downstairs and Sander rolled his eyes, looking down his chest for good measure. He could totally pull off going shirtless. There was nothing wrong with his nipples.


	54. Friday - 24/01/2020 - 19.45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song is part of Milan's playlist and I feel like I should educate you all on the epicness of the flemish band "Spring" so here you go: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9HZwpkpr9E

“So exactly how many people did you invite Milan?” Zoë asked as she observed Milan load up the snacks and apetizers on the kitchen counter. She had already decided not to ask about the food, because who prepared food this cautiously for a bunch of college students wanting to get shitfaced drunk after a month of studying?

“15 or so. But you know how it goes, people always bring other people.”

“Yeah but Milan you are sure things are going to be quiet by 1AM right? Cause I need to work tomorrow at 8AM...”

“Ugh Lisa not now please.” Milan sighed. He knew he had made a promise, knew he had hugged her tightly when she returned from her exchange because at least Lisa wasn’t a teenage boy who left every room messier than when he walked in. But this, he didn’t miss.

He just wanted to have a nice time with friends. Celebrate that for the next two months or so they could pretend like they didn’t have any real academic responsibilities. If he could, Milan would’ve included a bonfire to burn all the papers he wrote his course summaries on, but then again A) they lived on the fifth floor of an apartment building so they didn’t have a back yard and B) he might need those for retakes in August.

But even without a ceremonial burning of textsbooks, Milan had done everything to ensure tonight would be a good night. He had spent all of yesterday creating a dope playlist, including some current bangers but also “Jong” by Spring because why the fuck not, it was an anthem for this occasion.

The people were to arrive in 3 minutes, and with everything prepped and ready Milan decided it was time to get changed. He was counting on casually late so he had plenty of time to dress and he locked himself in his room, to go through his options. He returned a ten minutes later in a printed shirt and his best fitted pants, walking into the kitchen with a smile. “What do you think?”

“Looks good.” Zoë nodded, rotating her index finger, instructing him to do a spin. “Now relax.”

“Yeah. I think it’s time we get onto the wine.” Milan agreed, with his best impression of Martien Meiland. 

Ten minutes later the doorbell first rang, and people started filing in from that point onwards. Milan immediately turned into the perfect host, instructing everyone where to find drinks, snacks and encouraging them to dance like nobody was watching.

Without noticing it, a whole hour had passed by the next time Milan was able to escape into the kitchen for a few minutes. He needed to catch his breath a bit. “Hi girls. Why are you hiding here in the kitchen?” he asked. 

Zoë chuckled and frowned. “You were the one to tell us we wouldn’t know most of the people you invited. I haven’t seen a single person I could have an actual conversation with.” As the majority of the people who walked into the flatshare already seemed a bit drunk.

And that was fair. Milan knew for a fact that most of his friends were not the type of people someone like Zoë would be able to have long conversations with. But tonight wasn’t for boring conversation anyways. Tonight was a night meant to have a good time, and that why he had told her he wanted her to be there when she offered to stay at Jana’s instead.

“You could just have fun and dance.” Milan replied. “It’s a party at your place, you can have fun without having to leave the door and when you get sick of us you can go hide in your room. But you have to dance at least one time. Come, join me.” he said, reaching out his hand. 

If he managed to take her mind off of the whole Senne and Viktor situation for just one night, then his mission would have been successful. And as he had made a decision in his dilemma, he would take care of the rest, because he was probably the only person in Zoë’s life who she would be able to forgive for having contacted Senne earlier today.

And so Zoë found herself in their living room, dancing along to ‘Despacito’ of all songs, giving Milan the joy and satisfaction of convincing her to have fun. And then, when the next song came on she moved to the side of the room, watching all the people flowing through the apartment. Everyone seemed to have a really good time, and Milan was constantly either dancing or greeting new people, and being an overall great host.

Checking her phone and posting a quick insta story before she walked back into the hallway, Zoë suddenly paused. A new group of five people was hanging their coats by the entry of the apartment and that’s when she saw him. And as if on reflex, her feet to moved quickly one in front of the other and her hands brushed her hair behind her ears. Then she reached him and she pulled on his shoulder from where he had his back turned to her, putting up his coat on one of the hangers.

“Oh. I... I’m sorry.” Zoë said, looking at the stranger in front of her. And that was when she took note of the way her heart was beating frantically, and she mumbled something that sounded like another apology to the guy, who was not Senne, as she made her way back to the kitchen, her hand covering her mouth at the realization what had just happened.

“Wow girl, you’re blushing a lot.” Lisa said from the corner of the kitchen, and when she spoke it startled Zoë because she hadn’t taken notice of anyone being there. “Did you just make out with one of Milan’s friends or something? Because if so and you’re going to fuck, I kindly remind you your door is left of the bathroom, not right, okay?”

“No, Lisa, I did not.... Geez.” Zoë said, but then she felt her own cheeks and yes, she was feeling hot and flustered. And she didn’t like it one bit. She didn’t like the way her body responded to the chance of seeing Senne again, and she felt betrayed by it because her head knew it was not a good idea to want him. But her heart... her heart hadn’t caught up to that plan yet. One month later, and her heart still felt like this. Was it always going to be like this?

Zoë reached for the window in the kitchen, opening it a tiny bit and breathing in the fresh air. She ignored the confused look Lisa gave her and they both turned to the doorway of the kitchen when MIlan walked in, his face in panic. “I don’t think there’s enough snacks, Zoë. There’s a few people that aren’t here yet and almost all the snacks have been eaten.” he spoke rapidly.

“Milan, don’t panic, please. It’s just snacks. People didn’t come here for them. They came here for a party. This isn’t an episode of MasterChef...” Zoë said.

And thank god it was not, Milan thought. It was his guilty pleasure to watch that show and watch the judges pull last minute surprise rules on the contestants. But Zoë was right. This was not a competition. And in all the chaos of trying to make this a party others could enjoy, Milan almost found himself unable to do so.

“I know.” he said, pouring himself another glass of wine out of despair. “But I have invited this cute guy and I don’t want him to think this party is trash and that I’m a bad host for these kind of things.” Milan whined. 

He knew the arts students. Knew they threw the best parties in the city, and Jonathan hadn’t even fully confirmed he would be able to come, probably having invites to ten other parties where he actually knew people. 

“Just breathe Milan.” Zoë said, and partially she also tried to take the advice herself so she would stop hallucinating her boyfriend among the crowd of people at the party. “Drink some more wine, and go have fun. I’m sure the cute guy will show up.” she said. She wasn’t actually sure.

“I still have a bag of cookies you can have.” Lisa spoke. “They’re gross though.”

“That’s not very helpful, Lisa.” Milan said as he sipped some more wine. “But okay, give them to me.”

And so Milan returned to the living room with Lisa’s gross gluten-free cookies. He tried to keep everything relatively clean so that he wouldn’t have to spend his Saturday cleaning the apartment. He would much rather just nurse a hangover and order greasy take-out food tomorrow. And maybe wake up next to a cute guy if fate was on his side.

In that exact moment the bell rang, and knowing who had not yet arrived he would be glad regardless of who stood on the other side of the door when he opened it.

“Hey! You made it.” Milan smiled, looking Jonathan up and down. Even in the dim lighting of the hallway, Milan couldn’t ignore the boy’s great physique. “Come in.”

“Thanks.” Jonathan said, walking into the hallway and taking off his jacket. “Where should I put this?” 

Milan looked up and then smiled. “You can put it in my room.” he then said, effectively leading the stranger through the door nearby. In moments like this, Milan appreciated his attempt at minimalism because the clutter in his room was not too bad and he had actually stretched out his bedsheets nicely.

Milan stood by the door as Jonathan walked towards the bed, taking off his scarf too and throwing both on before he turned around, facing the host of the party. As he did, Milan got the chance to observe in better lighting, and he liked what he saw. Jonathan’s face was lit up by the warm orange lighting from his room. And when the guy shyly ruffled through his hair, Milan spotted the painted nails. Artsy for sure, he thought.

“So I’m assuming the party is not in your bedroom?” Jonathan smiled, and ha, Milan thought. Wait until the end of the evening. 

“It’s in the living room.” he said, then getting back to the door. On his way out, Milan gave himself permission to glance down Jonathan’s body once more before he closed the door to his room behind him and introduced the apetizers and drinks he had prepared in the kitchen.

Then they made their way to the living room where most of the people were, and Milan leaned against the back of the couch. “So do you know anyone here?” he asked, just to get an idea of the social circle he was dealing with. He watched as Jonathan took a look around and shook his head, until his gaze landed on someone. 

“Ah, yes. I do know one person. I hooked up with them a few weeks ago.” he replied. “I’m bad with names, help me out...” Jonathan said, causing Milan to turn around to see who Jonathan was currently pointing at to see if it was one of his close friends. 

The good thing was that it wasn’t. The sad thing was that she was a girl. “Irene?” Milan asked, and Jonathan nodded. “Yes, Irene. Right.” he said, a fond smile on his face. And in that moment Milan’s self-preservation kicked in. His previous flirting that was far too obvious now making him feel somewhat embarrassed, and his gaydar was clearly in need of some serious reconfiguration with the amount of miscalculations he had been making as of late. 

“Hey.” Jonathan then said, and Milan tried not to look totally bummed out. But when he felt the touch on his shoulder he turned from disappointed to confused. “I’m bi.” he said, seconds before his lips touched Milan’s and thank god. Thank fucking god Milan wasn’t entirely useless at picking up guys. 

Gently wrapping his arms around his hot new lover, Milan couldn’t help but smile into the kiss and when they broke apart, Jonathan tilted his head. “And you’re here, so as far as I’m concerned this party is already a success.” he said flirtingly, causing MIlan to smile widely. 

Somehow, despite his locked gaze and the volume of the music, Milan still registered the doorbell and he rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Do not move. I will be right back.” he told Jonathan before making his way to the door, a quick stop at the kitchen to refill his drink. 

“Oh right, I forgot to tell you. My roommate abroad totally called your bluff on Oslo. She’d been there and she says it’s actually just really fucking expensive and there aren’t even that many nice sights to see.” Lisa argued in the discussion between her and Zoë that Milan squeezed in between, before he made his way to the door.

Zoë then gestured to Lisa to take a pause on their conversation before she looked at Milan. “Milan, I thought people should just put their coats in the hallway? Why did that one guy put his coat in your room?” she grinned. MIlan paused in the doorframe and turned on his heels. “That’s for people who are leaving when the party is over.” he said. “And I don’t think Jonathan is going anywhere.” he winked. 

He then made his way down the hall, squeezing himself in between the people who were starting to move through the rest of the apartment because the living room was getting pretty crowded. But he finally reached the door, and opened it with a big smile.

“Look at that, three musketeers. I didn’t know you were a trouple these days.” Milan said, as he pulled Robbe in for a hug. 

“Nope, don’t go there Milan.” Robbe warned, before he walked in and hung his coat on the overcrowded hangers. 

“Just kidding, of course.” Milan assured Robbe. “And nice you joined, Jens. But...” Milan said, then turning to Sander. “I’m especially glad to see you.” Milan grinned. 

“Me?” Sander frowned, not sure if he should be scared of happy about it. 

“Yes. Because I ran into someone last week and he’s totally cute but also very artsy. And I don’t usually go for artsy guys so I need you to be my guide.” Milan said, lowering his voice as he hooked his arm around Sander’s shoulder and pulled him to the living room doorframe. 

“There. Dark blue shirt. You see him?”

Sander observed the crowd and spotted a guy in the corner with a dark blue shirt. He nodded and then turned to Milan confidently. “Don’t worry, I got you covered. Just give some time and then...”

“Yes, yes of course. No rush.” Milan agreed, his gaze returning to the people in the living room and his eyes locking with Jonathan once more. Milan winked at him, before turning to the boys.

“Let’s get you guys some drinks.” Milan then said, knowing he had to stop looking or things would get too intense, and he gestured for the boys to follow him into the kitchen, where Zoë and Lisa had resumed their conversation. 

“No Stockholm is better than Göteborg.” was Zoë’s argument, and then she noticed the guys entering the living room. “Hi!”

“Hi.” Robbe replied, walking up to her and giving a hug. “Don’t give Sander any food, he has been doing nothing all day and now he is expecting others to feed him.” he whispered in her ear. When Zoë tightened the hug, Robbe recalled Zoë was one of the best huggers he knew and he enjoyed the familiarity. 

Zoë looked at him with a frown, and then shook her head. “Don’t worry, Milan ran out of snacks half an hour ago. Only Lisa’s gross gluten free cookies are left.”

To this Lisa rolled her eyes and got up from her seat at the kitchen table. She mumbled she was going back to her room, and Robbe frowned looking back at Zoë who told him to ignore it. It was just how Lisa was once she had reached her dose of social interactions for the night.

“I told her she could just go to her parents for the weekend...” Milan said in self-defense.

“Leave it be, Milan.” Zoë replied. She then looked back at the boys and got up from leaning against the counter and she excused herself to the bathroom.

“Where are those cookies though? Cause I don’t really care if they’re gross, I will just eat them anyways.” Sander said. 

Milan then looked up and frowned, shaking his head. “No seriously, don’t eat those. Hold on.” Milan said, gesturing for Jens to step aside before he reached into the freezer and pulled out a quiche. “Here, 15 mins in the oven and you’re set.” he smiled. 

“Mlan, I’m pretty sure that’s Zoë’s freezer section.” Robbe warned. But Milan simply shrugged and then took a hold of his glass of wine again. “I can’t let my guests starve, Robbe. Especially if they’re supposed to be my wingman. So eat, blondie. And then you can just subtly walk up to me and Jonathan yeah? I’m counting on you to make me look good. Oh and he is bi, so you have something in common already!” Milan chimed. 

And then he set out to get back to the living room, only to be blocked by Sander’s hand. “Milan... Quick check... I will be your wingman with that guy. But I’m not bi, I’m pansexual.” he said. And Milan’s expression morphed into horror as he ran his face over his hand. “Oh my god... That’s twice today I majorly fucked up on someone’s sexuality. I’m totally off my game. Jens can you check if that wine is inspired dear? And sorry Sander, got it. Thanks for correcting me.” he said, before he continued his way down to the living room. 

“Nope, expires in March.” Jens said to nobody in particular, and he then put the bottle back down again. “You get that a lot?” Jens then asked, and Sander was unaware he was being talked to until Robbe nudged his arm. “The confusion, I mean?” Jens clarified. 

Sander shrugged and leaned back against the fridge. “Sometimes. People often haven’t heard of the term pansexual because bisexual is more commonly known. I usually don’t get extremely offended, but I just know pansexual is what describes me best so when I can educate people on it then I try to clear that up.” Sander nodded. 

Jens hummed, and Robbe smiled proudly. “I’m proud of you.” he said, leaning in for a kiss. Sander happily kissed Robbe back.

“Thanks baby.” Sander replied, before giving Robbe another quick kiss. “Now let’s put this thing in the oven and then we can dance a bit before I have to go play wingman, okay?” he offered, and Robbe moved away from the oven to let Sander figure out the settings. 

“See, Zoë please tell me I’m not the only one who feels like these two are totally domestic?” Jens said as Zoë walked back into the kitchen and Sander looked up once he finished setting the oven and closing the door. 

“What?”

“You two.” Jens said, pointing to Sander and Robbe. “Act like you’ve known each other for years. It’s a bit weird.”

“Well, we did go grocery shopping as our first date.” Sander grinned, walking towards Robbe and wrapping his arms around him. He still remembered vividly how he dragged a confused Robbe with him to the store only to then knock him into a tower of boxes. Because apparently that was his way of flirting with the nice boy he had been stalking on social media for at least a week at that point.

“The one and only time that happened, yes.” Robbe said, turning to face Sander properly in his arms. “Ever since you’ve kind of been just feeding yourself with other people’s food.” Robbe said, eyebrow raised. “Even Mia warned me for that yesterday.”

Sander rolled his eyes and sighed. “What can I say. Charm pays the bills.” he winked. 

Half an hour later Robbe found himself standing in the doorway to the living room, watching the conversation between Sander, Milan and Milan’s newest guy, until Milan caught him standing there and walked up to him. 

“Is he looking? Act like I just said something funny.” Milan instructed, and Robbe chuckled a bit awkwardly. Milan rolled his eyes and swung his arm around his gay-in-training. 

“Shouldn’t you be talking with them?” Robbe then asked, and Milan shook his head. “No no. I don’t wanna overdo it. It needs to seem organic. They can talk just between themselves for a bit. But don’t worry baby gay, if things go well we can go on double dates soon.”

Robbe decided to just smile, and then Milan got comfortable leaning against the opposite side of the doorframe. “So, how are things going? How’s your mom?”

“Good. Yeah, she’s.. She's okay.” Robbe nodded. He took a sip from his beer, and caught Sander’s laughter from the other end of the room, which was something he seemed to have tuned into subconciously.

When Milan caught the loving gaze from Robbe to Sander, he remembered their conversation from not too long ago, and at the risk of prying he needed an update. “And with Sander? How are things going there?” Milan asked. “Have you tried -”

“Hush.” Robbe cut in quickly, his index finger in front of his mouth, looking around them to make sure that nobody overheard. They were in the middle of the flatshare surrounded by at least two dozen people, and Robbe was not having this conversation here.

“No need to be rude, Robbe.” Milan said with a frown. 

Robbe sighed and looked around once more, but Sander was busy talking and he could not track down Zoë or Jens so he ended up pulling Milan’s arm into the room that was previously his and now had been reclaimed by Milan. 

When Robbe closed the door, Milan automatically went to sit on his bed and he folded his hands in his lap. “I’m listening.”

Robbe sighed and took another sip from his beer, for courage, and then he started walking along the length of the wall, Milan following him with his gaze and observing the morphing of emotions on Robbe’s face. There was some shame in there, as was evident by the fact that they were now in the bedroom which acted as the temporary proverbial closet.

“I haven’t been able to bring it up yet.” Robbe then said, words coming out like rapidfire. “It just…” He took a deep breath, allowed himself to look for the words. “It hasn’t been the right time. Sander has been really busy with exams and...”

“Hallo? Literally everyone at this party is here for that very same reason.” Milan reminded him. 

And Robbe knew that. He knew most people here had a rough few days behind them, and they had a good excuse to let go and try new things. But it wasn’t all that easy for everyone…

“Yeah well, I don’t think anyone here was as exhausted as Sander was on wednesday. He spent most of yesterday asleep, and I think we both just needed to process these last few months and just focus on that connection a bit, so yeah...”

“Oh.” Milan said, suddenly dropping his annoyance. Of course, he thought. “Yeah well sometimes people do need their beautysleep. And Sander is one good looking guy, so if he needs to sleep you just have to keep your desires to yourself for a bit.” Milan grinned.

Robbe then sighed deeply. “Yeah. I guess.”

“Okay but besides the fact that you haven’t checked off your entire bedroom bucket list... Things are good, right?” Milan asked. 

Robbe looked up, and suddenly a smile appeared. “Yeah. Yeah they’re good. Since yesterday four people in my family know I’m gay because I told my cousin I didn’t care who he told so he told his parents. And I haven’t been unfriended on facebook by my aunt, so that’s great.” Robbe said, pointing his thumb up. 

“And I had a really chill talk with one of Sander’s friends yesterday. Just to like, try to understand more of everything. The exam stuff and the next few weeks. And she was really nice.” Robbe smiled.

Milan smiled back and nodded. “Good to hear. That’s... that’s really lovely.” he said. 

“And around here? Everything the usual or...?”

Milan looked up and sighed. He wouldn’t exactly describe the usual. Zoë hadn’t really talked to him much more throughout the week, but she had told him it she appreciated his efforts. And Lisa was still the same but maybe slightly less closed off. Her exchange semester had really brought out a more social side of her. 

“Well, I think things will develop in the next week or so. Hopefully for the better.” Milan said, already getting back up from his bed again. “Now let’s go back. I have a hot guy to seduce.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you managed to read that chapter in one sitting, which was 4.3K and the longest chapter I've written for this fic thus far, then I applaud you.
> 
> Leave a comment if you spotted the Chateau Meiland reference!


	55. Saturday - 25/01/2020 - 09.03

The next morning Zoë was wide awake by 9AM, the rain hitting her window dramatically and she sighed deeply, knowing there was no chance she was going to be able to go for her usual saturday morning walk. And truthfully, she wasn’t sure she wanted to either. 

Something about last night lingered with her. That hope, the way her heart was beating so fast. If yesterday had taught her anything, it was that she was still stuck in the past and she needed to snap out of that as soon as possible if she wanted to get a grip on things. She had to start doing things differently.

And so she put on a sweather and got out of bed, deciding she could make a nice breakfast for herself. However she only got as far as two steps out of her bedroom door before she hit a can of beer. And it only took one glance at the rest of her hallway to conclude that, despite Milan’s best efforts, the apartment wasn’t exactly clean.

Even the kitchen seemed to have gotten invaded at some point, and Zoë groaned when she noticed the entire counter was sticky.

She sighed and then turned around, deciding to take a shower first with the unrealistic expectation that Milan would be cleaning by the time she stepped out. However when she pulled the showercurtain to run the water, she chuckled when she found Jens there, asleep in their tub. 

“Jens...” she whispered at first. When he didn’t move, Zoë briefly considered just running the water but she opted for the less evil option of shaking his shoulder. “Jens. Wake up.” she said, a bit louder this time. 

The groan that came from Jens was something primal, and it took a good minute for him to open his eyes and look at Zoë with focussed eyes, before he groaned again over the growing headache. “Fuck.”

“Yeah... can you get up? It’s like 9AM, so...”

It took Jens a moment to realize what she was talking about, but when she pointed at the showerhead he quickly became aware of his surroundings and he conjured up all the coordination he had to get out of the bathroom. 

“Is there food?” he asked in the doorway, and Zoë scoffed. “No Jens, there’s no food. The apartment is a mess. But feel free to pitch in.” she smiled, before she closed the door in his face. 

Jens rolled his eyes and then walked down the hall for a bit, leaning against the doorframe of the living room, where he observed the scene closely. The rain was hitting the windows directly so he wasn’t exactly jumping at the thought of driving his bike home. Mimicking the scene outside, the inside of the flatshare looked just as miserable. Beercans were spread over every horizontal surface of the room and the couch was... 

Jens tilted his head and frowned. “Robbe?” he asked. 

Robbe startled out of his sleep in response to someone calling his name, and he looked up in confusion. What the fucking hell. “Shut up, Jens...” he groaned, trying to rub the sleep out of his eyes. “What time is it?”

“9, according to Zoë.” Jens yawned. 

Robbe sighed deeply and rolled his shoulders, trying to get rid of some of the tension there. But all he felt was ache, and he just wanted to get to his own comfortable bed sooner rather than later. It was only in that moment that he felt the arm around him and he smiled a bit. He would let Milan know that he shouldn’t offer two people to sleep on there, as it was a really tight fit. 

But, as he recalled how drunk they were, there was no way in hell they would have been able to bike back home without falling at least seven times. So they had opted to stay on the couch. And Robbe knew that was something either Zoë or Milan would remember, and they would use it as leverage to get them to help cleaning up. “We should get out of here before we get asked to help cleaning up.” Robbe decided, already manoevring himself out of his spot on the couch.

“Yeah I got my bike so I can get home I guess.” Jens agreed, even though the rain was still pouring pretty hard. It beat the idea of having to clean up the apartment though. He had done that at his own house just last week. “Skatepark tomorrow?” he asked. 

“Sure.” Robbe agreed, reaching for his phone on the table. He checked the time and it was indeed 9.12AM.

“Sander...” Robbe said, looking over his shoulder. Sander didn’t move. “Sander, get up.” Robbe tried again. This time Sander stirred in his sleep, and Robbe softly kissed his cheek. “Get up, baby. We crashed at the flatshare and I don’t want to help clean...” Robbe spoke. 

Sander just hummed in reply, mumbling something resembling five more minutes. But Robbe was having none of that. 

“Sandeeeer. Let’s go. I’ll get us croissants on the way if you get up right now.” Robbe whispered. When he heard the shower turn off he cursed, and he smacked one of the pillows on Sander’s back. “Get up.”

Sander groaned in annoyance and rose up from the couch, arms up to defend himself from a second pillow attack. “Geez. Waking up here used to be way more chill.” he sighed. 

And he had a point. The couch was uncomfortable as hell to sleep on and he much rather preferred the days where he would just walk into the kitchen and there would be a breakfast ready for all of them. Waking up in this mess was a bit of a reach from that memory. But that’s when he recalled last night, how they sang along to songs by Niels Destadsbaeter and they had a good time overall.

“Here’s your bloody shoes.” Robbe said, putting them right at Sander’s feet and he then put the hoodie over his head. “Hurry up.”

“Yes, yes, yes.” Sander said, making vague gestures. He was clearly still half asleep or half drunk, whichever it was. But it made his movements way too slow, and Robbe knew out of experience that it wouldn’t be long before someone would walk be walking in.

Having secured his shoes, his phone and his hoodie, he decided to head to the hall and grab their coats. And to his relief Sander appeared next to him moments later. 

“Phone? Keys?” Robbe asked, and Sander nodded while putting on his coat. 

“Look at us, walk of shaming out of the place you used to live.” Sander smirked. 

Robbe smiled back and pressed a soft kiss to Sander’s lips. “Yeah well, I have no shame.” Robbe replied.

They then closed the door and descended the stairs, and they were in the middle of some banter about how many croissants they would order when they ran into Jens in the foyer, leaning against the wall. 

“You don’t look so good.” Sander observed. Jens sighed deeply in reply. “I feel like I need to eat something but at the same time I feel like I might throw up.”

“We’re picking up croissants.” Robbe said. “And your mom will be pissed if you get home looking this shiftfaced. So maybe you should come with us.” Robbe suggested.

“Sure.” Jens slurred, before they all walked out of the building and they headed to the bakery down the street. Lucky for them, the rain had been reduced to a drizzle. As expected, saturday mornings were busy and Sander and Jens stayed behind while Robbe went inside, ordering them a dozen croissants, considering he would offer some to his mom too.

“I had a weird dream.” Jens then said, turning to Sander. “You were dressed in the bi flag, and then Milan forced you to take off your clothes so he could wash them. And when he was done washing them, they had transformed into the pan flag.” Jens explained. 

Sander laughed. “That’s so random, what the fuck?”

“But also like, kinda symbolic?” Jens countered, but laughing along. If only half of his dreams of late were as easy to interpret as this one. 

Sander shrugged, not recognizing any symbolism to himself. It was Jens’ dream, and so any symbolism would be applying to him. And for as much as Sander knew about dreams, they were often the way of processing the day’s events, so it wasn’t that weird given their conversation yesterday. In fact, it was probably more significant that Jens chose to bring it up right now.

Jens then swallowed and furrowed his brows. “Do people often ask you.... Like.... how you knew?”

“Pretty often, yeah.” Sander nodded. “But I guess that’s a normal question? I don’t know...” Sander sighed. 

Jens put his hands in his pockets and nodded. “Yeah, pretty normal.” he echoed. 

“Don’t you wanna know what I reply?” Sander then said, trying to look at Jens but he was determined in looking at the pavement. 

“I don’t know. You don’t have to tell me, I just... No it doesn’t matter.” Jens mumbled. 

“Succes! Twelve croissants.” Robbe cheered in that moment as he exited the bakery. Jens quickly cheered in return before he got on his bike and avoided exchanging another look with Sander. “Last one at the house loses one croissant.” Robbe yelled, and that made Sander snap out of his observation, quickly jumping on the saddle and chasing after the two guys ahead of him.


	56. Sunday - 26/01/2020 - 14.23

Milan had spent the majority of yesterday getting the flatshare back in order while a gorgeous boy spent the day in his bed and they had only parted ways again last night after takeout with the promise of seeing each other soon. 

So Milan was still fresh on cloud nine once he settled back on the now clean couch and decided to come up with a plan of action for the conversation he was about to have in a few moments. Meeting Senne at a certain time and place was one thing. Figuring out what to say to him was a whole other thing. 

In the end, he had realized that the best way to get this whole situation cleared up was to just be as direct as possible, and he wanted to enter the conversation with a clear mind. Which was also why he decided in advance to order tea instead of coffee. It would help remain his calm, and stick to the point.

Yet when he finally saw Senne walk into the coffeeshop that they had agreed to meet up, Milan’s first instinct was to have some small talk right away. 

“Hey.” Senne replied, looking around the place for a while since it wasn’t familiar to him. It seemed cozy, relaxed, and not the type of place you’d make a scene which was perhaps what he expected out of this talk. But truthfully he had no idea. He had agreed to meet up when Milan asked, but he had decided not to ask any further questions because he knew he may not like what he was about to hear. 

“So I...” “Why did you...” They simultaneously spoke

“You go.” Senne nodded. 

Milan took a deep breath and folded his fingers. “Right. Yes. I eh... I texted you because there are some recent developments, as of late. And people are getting hurt by them. And I don’t like to just stand by and let that happen when I can avoid it.” Milan said. 

Senne nodded, and when they came to take his order he made it swift, so that Milan could continue with whatever he was getting at. 

“Look, Senne.... I don’t know what’s been going on with you. I don’t know if... if you are fine or if you are hurt by all of this. I don’t know if you’ve moved on or if it’s still as painful as it was a month ago...”

“Of course it still hurts, Milan.” Senne cut in. He sighed and shook his head. “I loved her. You know that. And you don’t just get over someone you loved in a month. I can’t go on my own insta. I can’t even take a tram to Linkeroever.”

He wasn’t sure if Milan had ever been in love, but in this moment he hoped so, just so that he would stop asking ridiculous questions like that. It was ridiculous to assume he had just moved on when half of the places he used to enjoy being at, were now places where they had made memories together and it simply hurt too much to revisit those.

Milan looked at him remorseful, and as the frustration faded he realized it wasn’t as ridiculous at all. It had been a month. He had been dumped. And he knew that people would always assume he was less attached than he actually was. But this time he was in deep. And Milan had to know that.

“Look, I... I guess I get why you assume that. But Zoë was different. I’ve never loved anyone before her. And I don’t know if I will love someone else. I don’t know if I can.” he sighed. The future looked pretty bleak.

“I know what you two had was special, Senne. But I also know that when we’re heartbroken the worst in us tends to surface.” Milan explained. Jealousy, anger, the whole range of emotions. He had once read something about five stages of grief, and he had since started to believe it also applied to the death of a relationship. And he was watching it unfold in front of his own eyes. Which he didn’t like a bit.

They paused their conversation for a bit when Senne had his coffee served, and he took a few sips of it before he put the cup back down. 

“So that’s why you called me to meet up? To know if I’m still miserable?” Senne asked. Because if it was the case, he really had better things to do than sit here be judged, or for assumptions to be made about him. He also know Milan’s loyalty was with Zoë, so under whatever disguise this took place it was not because their friendship was stronger than the one Milan shared with her.

“No, it’s not. That’s not why I texted you.” Milan said, annoyed at his own inability to apply finesse to the situation. “There is actually something else. It’s about the family dinner.”

Milan tilted his head to gage Senne’s reaction, and at first Senne didn’t react. He was looking somewhere over Milan’s shoulder. But then he froze, and Milan could see the wheels in his head turning. So he knew he had to say something. 

“Senne, did you agree to go to a family dinner with your brother?”

“No no no no no no no...” Senne said, rapidly. His fist slammed the table hard enough that the people surrounding them looked up. 

“Senne...”

“Please tell me that asshole did not... Milan, I swear to god, tell me he did not .”

“He called her.” Milan sighed. He urged Senne to stay calm, even though he felt the exact same protetiveness and anger at the thought of Viktor making that decision. “He called her and told her you’d be having a family dinner. Said she had lost your support.”

“No. No she hasn’t. I have to go tell her.” Senne said, already putting his phone in his pocket. That’s when Milan reached for his arm. 

“Senne, wait.” he said, making him stop the movements of zipping up his coat. Milan sighed and shook his head. “You can’t go see her right now. It will only makes things worse. She needs time, and space, and the truth. I can give her the latter. I’ll tell her.”

A silence settled between them, during which Senne got the fuming rage under control and he turned to the slight shaking of his head.

“She will hate you for meeting with me.” Senne said looking up all of the sudden. “She won’t see it as a good thing.”

“I know.” Milan said, followed by a long sigh. “But it will give her a piece of mind. And that’s what she needs right now.”

Senne wanted to make himself small at hearing him say it, and his shoulders slump a little as he shrunk in his seat. Hearing someone say that Zoë needed anything but him was hard. And the realization that all of this was happening, even when Senne was not with her, was just too much for him to comprehend. 

The fact that Zoë was not only still herassed by his own brother, but their break-up had made her believe he would turn against her. He got furious at the fact that Viktor still wasn’t discouraged enough. It made him furious but also sad. 

Because he could admit now that giving her the space she had needed was partially for his own ego in that first week he had tried to repare a fragility that he experienced by being dumped for the first time. But not fighting for them when he still had the chance in the days that followed, that was his own doing. And now it was too late. Now there had been too much distance between them, enough to make her believe he would ever be able to betray her. And he couldn’t see what he could do to undo that.

“Do you know how he got in touch with her?” Senne then asked. He knew Zoë had blocked Viktor on all social media platforms and his direct number, so whatever Viktor did to get a hold of her he went through the extra effort to do so and Senne was going to put a stop to it.

Milan frowned, trying to recall. “A voicemail. From an unknown number.” Milan replied.

Senne nodded and then got up from his seat. “Okay. I will take care of that.” He said .”You can rest assured, he is not getting away with this.”

“Okay.” Milan nodded. Good, he thought.

Senne then took another sip from his coffee and paid their bill. “Thanks for texting me, Milan. I know you didn’t have to tell me, but…”

Whatever the end of that sentence was, it was left unspoken as they both shared a look.

And then he was back out of the door, and Senne took a deep breath, before lifting his tea up to inhale some of the herbal fumes and then proceeding to take several sips. He took his time, staring out of the window until his drink was finished and then he headed back when he estimated his time away would be good enough to account for a walk in the city park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo, do you guys think Milan did the right thing?


	57. Monday - 27/01/2020 - 17.00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nobody asked about a deep-dive into the similarities between Sander and Ilse's (Robbe's mom) experiences with mental illness, but you're getting it anyways.

At first, the message had come as a surprise. Mainly because Robbe’s mom wasn’t in his contacts, so when he received the message it didn’t make much sense until he scrolled down and read ‘ - Ilse’ at the bottom. And then he re-read the message, and he had hummed in surprise. 

He guessed it wasn’t super uncommon to be asked to bring some groceries, since Sander had agreed to join in for dinner at Robbe’s house and Albert Heijn was directly on his route. And he also knew that with Robbe’s dad out of their lives, Ilse had been trying to get everything back in order after her stay at the institution. Insurance coverage, the house loan payment. She had mentioned over dinner last time that she enjoyed working with numbers like that, and it reminded Sander of his mom whenever she woudl talk about her physics lecture. 

Sander also knew that unlike his own mom, who had help around the house, Ilse was handling it all by herself and so he had figured the least he could do was to bring two bags of groceries, balancing on each side of his bike’s steering wheel.

“Ilse?” Sander yelled as he walked into the house. “I got the groceries you asked for.” he added. He put the bags on the counter and then looked up as Ilse emerged from the living room. And as Sander froze, Ilse looked away from him. 

A silence. An understanding. One second. Two seconds. 

“And I’ve been thinking... it’s time I pay back my free room and board.” Sander smiled. He didn’t miss a beat with starting to unload the groceries, fresh produce first and then the freezer stuff, followed by the restocking of the fridge. By the time he was done, Ilse was leaning against the sink, sipping from a glass of water in slow motions which was contrasting to Sander’s semi-chaotic emptying of the kitchen counter while trying to recall where he had learned everything was positioned. 

“Top cabinet on the right.” Ilse said when Sander was contemplating where to put the sugar, and Sander smiled over his shoulder before opening ssaid cabinet and putting down the 1kg bag of sugar on the designated shelf. 

“So I’m thinking chili con carne, yeah? We got some beans here, and we got the meat. I don’t know what you were going to make with it, but I think it works great in chili. Some tomato.... yup, we got those too. I think we’re all set.” Sander nodded. 

Then he properly turned to Ilse and he bit his lip. “If... that’s okay?” he asked. 

Ilse smiled at him and nodded, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Show me what you got, kid.” She said, a faint lingering bit of energy in her voice rising to the surface.

She didn’t talk much for the next few minutes, Sander narrating himself and mumbling ingredients and quantities because truly he was freestyling his recipe. He had it stored somewhere on his computer, but he didn’t have that with him. 

By some miracle, when Sander put the lid on the pot, it sorta looked like it was supposed to, and knowing it was meant to simmer for a bit he leaned against the counter, allowing the kitchen to fill with silence for a little bit.

“The doctor said when I had a particularly hard day I should take a second one.” Ilse then sighed. She looked up at the young boy in front of her and folded her hands, because they were a bit shaky. “I haven’t had a bad day like this in a while.”

“Is that why you asked about the groceries?” Sander asked, leaning in a bit. He was trying not to be too intrusive, but at the same time he didn’t just want there to be a silence that could be interpreted as judgement. The last thing he wanted to do was judge.

Ilse didn’t have to say anything for her reply to be obvious. The supermarket was too much for today. Too overwhelming. Too many people. Too public.

Sander understood better than anyone. 

“Do you want me to text Robbe?” He then asked. He was going off steps floating around in his head. Step one, making sure everyone around you was okay. Setting them up for a period without your presence. Not alarming them. Step two, accept when offered.

Sander didn’t always get to reach step two. Sometimes by the time he realized he was spiraling he was too far gone to release a cry for help, and he was drowning under and it was up to the universe if he would ever come up for air again. But if he could, he saved himself before it got that far. If he had the energy, he would fight. He would check his meds, he would consider calling his doctor about a readjustment of the dose. And in a very rare occasion, others would fight for him. And that was invaluable.

“He should be home any moment.” Ilse smiled. “No need to worry him further.”

“Do you wanna eat with us, or should I prepare a seperate plate?” Sander then asked. “Do you wanna tell him?” he then asked, which was kind of the question all along. 

Sander waited, but Ilse didn’t reply. She was focussed on her hands, folded in front of her. Sander wondered in that moment if she was religious. If perhaps she was sending a prayer to a religious force to help her through the day. He was an atheist himself, but he could imagine it could bring people comfort. He would find the same time of comfort in his music. In getting high. But as he had been previously warned, his mom, Britt, people in his life who generally cared about him, they were no substitute for the things that kept him in the right mindspace.

Sander sighed and then pulled out his phone, sliding it over the counter towards her. It was the notes app. With little checkboxes and pharmaceutical names next to them. 

“I take those. Haven’t missed one for a full month. Things are good.” Sander smiled. Once he knew Ilse had scanned all the names for familiar ones, and had found some, Sander put his phone away. “Robbe doesn’t ask about them. But he knows I take them. He knows it’s important but he also knows it’s not his place to comment on it. And I think he has that from you.” Sander smiled.

“I’m glad you can talk to him about your experiences.” Ilse said, looking up at Sander. “But he is my son. And I am his mother. He should not worry about me in the first place. Even though I know he does.” Ilse said. She knew her boy. Watching him grow up she had seen him trying to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders once it became clear that his dad wasn’t going to be the one in the family to do so. 

“If he has to worry, I want it to be as minimal as possible.” Ilse nodded, having come to a decision. And Sander nodded, putting his hands in his pockets. “Whatever you decide.”

An hour later the three of them were sitting at the table, and Robbe was complaining about the math homework he failed to do this weekend so now he had to do twice the amount of it. It was his biggest worry of the day, and while he had their full attention, both Sander and Ilse’s mind was elsewhere. Thinking about the triviality of how that was his biggest concern for the day. And about how there was no need to make his life more difficult when it didn’t have to be. 

“I’m going to bed early boys. I’m a bit tired.” Ilse said. She got up and kissed the top of Robbe’s head, and Robbe watched her walk up the stairs, wishing her a good night. Then, his gaze landed on the leftovers on his mom’s plate and he looked at the stairs with a small frown. 

He hummed, which caused Sander’s attention but Robbe waved it off. Of course he would, Sander throught. The last thing Robbe would want to do was to burden Sander with his concern over his mom. Which put Sander in a difficult position. He had talked to Ilse, and knew what she was experiencing and he found himself trying to get Robbe to talk about it without overstepping.

“Did you like my chili?” he asked, and Robbe nodded in approval while he swallowed another bite. 

“Really delicious.”

Sander smiled proudly and then put his knife and fork down. “Your mom watched me in the kitchen. I think she is not used to observing and not having to interfere because the kitchen is on fire.” Sander teased. 

Robbe gave him a glare, and continued eating, but then he paused between two bites. 

“So she was... okay? This afternoon?” he asked. 

Sander shrugged his shoulders, tilting his head. “She seemed very grateful. She seemed like she had a bit of an off day. But I don’t think you have to worry.” Sander said, occupying himself with scooping up his final spoonful. But when he could tell Robbe was looking at him, he looked up too.

“I mean, the weather is anything but inspiring...” Sander said, looking out of the window, and then returning to look at his boyfriend with a small smile. “Everyone has good and bad days.” 

Sander gave Robbe an assuring nod, and he saw the worried line on his face go away. 

“Yeah, I guess... good days and bad days.” Robbe mumbled. 

“But more good than bad.” Sander spoke, taking Robbe’s hand. 

And it seemed to push him over the finishline, because Robbe nodded and continued eating. More good than bad had never been a phrase that applied to his life. It was usually ‘misery loves company’, things never really staying good for more than a few months until something bad happened. A series of events that had been ongoing for several years of his life now. 

But things seemed to be turning around. More good than bad.

“Anyways, I guess all this amazing food does mean I have to clean up?” Robbe pouted, and Sander smiled with a nod. “That’s how it works.” he grinned. “I should get going anyways. Seems like the rain has stopped for a bit.”

“Wait, you’re not staying?” Robbe said, suddenly even more dissappointed. Sander smiled and shook his head, getting up from his chair. “No, I can’t. Because you have math homework and it’s a normal school week for you. So I’m going to go home and clean up my room. But I’ll see you wednesday? We could go somewhere?”

“Like a date?” Robbe smiled happily.

“It’s a date.” Sander agreed.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaand we're back. 
> 
> I ran into some technical issues that I couldn't find a way around so that's why these last few days haven't had any chapters. But all that should be back to usual from now on, so enjoy this chapter :)

“And that’s when everyone suddenly became dust?” Amber asked, before taking a sip from her drink. Aaron had spent the last 20 minutes explaining the plot of the marvel cinematic universe, but all Amber had managed to remember was something about stones and the fact that Spiderman was portrayed by Tom Holland. 

“Well, 50% of all life on earth. But a lot of people, yeah.” Aaron said. “But yes. See, it’s not that complicated.” he sighed in relief. He didn’t know why his sister insisted it was a ridiculous concept that no girl would willingly want to get invested in. 

“And seeing that is somehow worth sitting through 22 movies?” Amber said, the same confused look on her face since they started, re-started, this conversation. And so Aaron finally gave up with a deep sigh, and he rolled his head from left to right. 

“Nevermind, it’s not important.” he said. 

“No but... I get you like it.” Amber said, reaching her hand across the table to put on top of his. “I just don’t see the appeal to it.” she said. “Except for Tom Holland.” she then grinned.

Aaron smiled back, because how couldn’t he when she was this adorable. He was just glad that she was okay with listening to him rant about the MCU, because for some reason he never got to talk about it when he was with the guys.

“But I guess it’s cool you like something that so many other people also like.” Amber then said. 

Aaron couldn’t believe his luck. Because somehow he had been lucky enough to get the most caring girl. He. Aaron Jacobs. Was dating a girl who did not judge his Marvel obsession and just accepted it as a passion that he and millions of other people shared. 

“Maybe we could watch Captain Marvel together? Girls like it too, apparently. It’s the first movie with a female main character.” Aaron offered enthusiastically. “I could come over to your place, bring my laptop and I can just stream it if -” 

Amber was quick to look up and the smiling expression on her face disappeared in an instant. She shook her head and it almost became too natural when one of her usual lies slipped out, and she bit her lip. 

“I can’t. I’m going shopping with my mom.” she said. Then she looked up at him and squeezed his hand. ”Sorry.” 

Sorry that my entire family is an unsocial mess that I can’t even begin to think of introducing someone into it. Sorry my mom is drunk 23 out of 24 hours in the day and barely leaves her bed anymore. Sorry I’m not a better girlfriend and I haven’t let you in the way you have. 

Amber felt ashamed, truly. Aaron was an open book, he spoke his thoughts out loud and he wore his heart on his sleeve. And Amber envied him for it. For his ability to be so carefree. She believed it was part of what drew her to finally accept his attempts at flirting, because in the end she could only admire someone who would to make a fool of themselves for her sake. 

Most of her teenage years so far, Amber had tried very hard to control other people’s thoughts of her. Her image, what people knew and what they didn’t know. How they looked at her, what they saw. But being with Aaron had been a breath of fresh air, and even right now when they were sitting in a cafe near school she didn’t stop to consider what everyone else would think about them being together. 

The truth was that in his eyes, she felt like she mattered and that she could be just who she was. And that was something so new, a sensation she had never experienced before, that she was holding onto it for dear life. 

“But maybe you can do something for your channel?” Amber then suggested. 

“Wait, you watched our videos?” Aaron asked, putting down the sandwhich he had continued eating.

“I may have put myself through that torment last weekend.” Amber nodded. 

And that proud smile of his face, and the way he leaned across the table and kissed her was why she knew that whenever she felt like she could share the other part of her world, he would probably embrace her and welcome all the challenges that came along with open arms.

“You’re really amazing, did you know that?” Aaron said proudly, and then he returned to finishing their lunch because they didn’t have that long of a lunchbreak left. 

“Is that.. Sander?” Amber then said, eyeing the intersection outside of the window. Aaron followed her gaze and saw him crossing the road, before he wiped his mouth and got up in his seat a bit, waving. 

Amber frowned, and before she realized it Aaron had caught Sander’s attention and he was encouraging him to join them. It made her panic a bit, and she quickly put away the packaging of the food they’d been eating, putting it all on one tray and walking it over to the garbage. 

When she returned to their table, Aaron was just in the process of pulling up another chair. 

“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” Sander said, obviously picking up on the vibe that this wasn’t supposed to be a group thing. 

“No, no of course not. Always room for you.” Aaron grinned. “We were just talking about the youtube channel. It’s doing great.” Aaron smiled. 

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.” Sander said, still cautiously eyeing Amber. Which was something he assumed he’d be doing for a while. He knew that Amber in particular was one of those people who chose to believe Britt’s version of events of what had transpired months ago. And while she hadn’t said anything to him directly, he knew she judged him.

“We’re filming at Robbe’s tomorrow. Maybe you can join us?” Aaron then suggested. “That would be really cool, don’t you think?”

Sander blinked and looked at Aaron, wondering where all of this excitement was coming from. 

“I mean, we still have 2 videos filmed without Robbe, and then one where he’s there. But maybe you guys could both be in it. The five of us.” Aaron smiled. 

He had never looked more like an eager puppy than he did in that very moment, and it was both extremely adorable and a bit overkill at the same time. 

“Maybe Robbe should decide if he wants his boyfriend on your channel?” Amber suggested. She then looked at Sander for a second, before turning to Aaron. ”You can’t just invite him without talking to the rest of the guys.” Amber said, appearing serious.

And Sander didn’t miss the undertone in her voice, and the choice of words. With how she said it, he was now certain he was interrupting on a moment between the two of them, and that wasn’t his intention. 

Sander watched Aaron squirm under Amber’s glare and then Aaron got up. He said they should get going and that he was going to the bathroom first, leaving Sander and Amber at the table alone. And Amber sighed, because if there was anything she wanted less than for someone to interrupt their lunchdate, it was being stuck at the table alone with them. 

But Sander felt a tiny bit of relief, because maybe this would give him the chance to explain things, once he’d figure out how to start.

“Is he always that excited about everything?” Sander asked. He didn’t really want to talk about Aaron, but talking about someone else might help with the awkwardness he was feeling of sitting there. Amber seemingly felt it too, distracted by the old nailpolish on her nails.

Amber then clicked her tongue, clearly misinterpreting of Sander’s comment as a negative one. Then again, would anything he could have said be right?

“He is pretty great, you know.” she said. She stopped from picking at her nails, and looked at Sander.

Sander could tell she was defensive, and when he saw her posture change he recognized it from those times where Britt would let him know he just wasn’t doing good enough. She was judging him fully now.

“Aaron and I are good together because he accepts me. He likes me for me, and what we have is great. That kind of trust, to be able to show the other your weirdest moments and deepest passion. That’s special.”

She then sighed and her defensive mood switched to what seemed like pity. “You should know. You had it all. And...” She was hesitant. Perhaps she knew it wasn’t in her place to make a comment on this, but she had been wondering about it after all. “I guess I’ve really never understood... Why did you throw that all away? Everything you had with Britt?”

Amber had started to consider Britt a friend again over the summer. And when she had heard she was dating someone, Amber had been glad that she had found someone after what happened in her last relationship. And Britt had told her a few times of how mature Sander was, and that they could really talk about stuff. So all of that made it much harder to see her friend being cheated on, again. She knew from a close personal experience what that could do to a person’s image of themselves.

“Throw away?” Sander frowned. That was hardly what happened. Then again, Sander didn’t know how much Amber knew. Would Britt have told her about the issues prior to the beachtrip?

“Yeah I mean, end a steady relationship with someone who loves you for a... I mean... a...”

This time, it was Sander’s turn to get defensive, because he knew exactly what she was stopping herself from saying. She was implying that his relationship with Robbe wasn’t serious. And he needed to get that notion out of people’s heads as soon as possible.

“Amber, I’m sorry but you have no idea what has happened between me and Britt, okay? Things were bad long before things started with Robbe.”

Amber sighed and then looked back at Sander. “I just thought... when Britt finally convinced me to let you crash the trip, and then you followed me on insta.... You seemed really grateful for everything.”

Sander frowned a bit, not sure what gratitute had to do with things. Yes, he had followed Amber on insta and messaged her saying he appreciated that he could join their trip to the beach. And he had also been grateful that Britt had offered, because he needed a break from the city anyways. But looking back at it, that week at the beach signed the deal on their fate. 

“Britt and I were pretty bad before the beach trip. You could kind of say it was a last effort to fix things. We both knew it, even though she would never admit it.” Sander spoke. “And then I met Robbe. And he was the one bright spot in those few days. And falling for him was not planned. Not at all. But you can’t stop love when it crushes into you.”

“You could’ve not cheated on her.” Amber said, tilting her head and crossing her arms. “Did you think about that? Breaking things off before you caused her that type of pain again? I know you know what Jens did to her...”

Sander sighed and nodded, his head remaining between his shoulders. “Yeah. Yeah, I know. I could have. Should have. I know that would have been the right way to go. And I regret that. I regret hurting her, and I regret hurting Robbe when I turned to her for comfort again. I am fully aware that for a moment I used both of them. And that... That will always feel wrong. But there’s nothing I can do about that now. It’s in the past. And I gave up what I had with Britt for something better with Robbe.” Sander said. His emotions were so on the surface that he felt like tears were just a blink away. Somehow people assuming his relationship with Robbe did this to him. He felt this need to defend them, and the happiness he felt when he was with him.

“Well, as long as you regret it...” Amber mumbled. She was now seeing the error of her ways in making him defend his relationship. But she did not regret calling out the fact that he hurt a friend of hers, even if Britt herself had fucked up plenty in the past.

Sander nodded, and when he looked up, Aaron reappeared in the distance. “Look, Britt and I are fine. So you don’t have to defend her honor or whatever. So just... enjoy the rest of your lunchbreak.” Sander said. 

He got up from his seat and saw Aaron look at him in confusion. But he didn’t feel like dealing with an explanation now so he threw his bag over his shoulder and simply waved, before walking out of the cafe. 

“Everything okay? Did he have to go somewhere or?”

“I don’t know.” Amber said, looking out of the window for a while. She knew Sander was probably right, and it wasn’t her place to be confronting him about these type of things. Maybe it was her own relationship being so new, and the fact that she was keeping things in her life from Aaron. 

Then she got up herself and smiled at her boyfriend. “Let’s walk back to school so we don’t get a late strike.” she suggested. Aaron agreed to this plan and Amber reached for his hand as they walked out. Aaron took it, and then let go a minute later in order to wrap his arm around her shoulder again. 

“I know you said you wanted for it to just be the two of us. I just...”

“It’s okay sweetie.” Amber smiled. She leaned her head on his shoulder as they waited by the intersection. “I get it.”

And she truly did. She knew Aaron was a people-pleaser, and if she wasn’t willing to accept that part of him, then how could she ever expect him to embrace the parts of her. And when Aaron replied by kissing her cheek and telling her she was the best, she would just ignore the voice in her head saying she wasn’t. 


	59. Wednesday - 29/01/2020 - 19.12

Moyo’s thumbs hoovered over the screen of his phone for a minute, as he stood outside of his house and then he pressed send, pulling the hood of his sweatshirt over his head and he started to walk.

No less than a minute later he got a reply, and he looked over his shoulder once more before he walked up to the bus stop. It wasn’t the right line. In fact he could only take this bus for two stops. But right now he needed some distance, and he needed to get out of the rain so he got on to the bus, swiped his card and walked on once it beeped a green checkmark.

Four minutes later he found himself at the busstop in front of their school, and he tried to stay warm by tapping his feet to “God's Plan” by drake which was stuck in his head since this afternoon.

And he couldn’t help but think about the lyrics as he got onto the next bus, picking the seat all the way in the back. He figured he would recognize the surroundings and figure out which stop to get off on as he turned his gaze out of the window. The sky above him dark, as the lyrics echoed through his head. 

_I only love my bed and my momma I’m sorry._

He was worried, was the truth of it. Not over himself, but over the despair in his father’s eyes when he told him he had to make sure his mom didn’t hurt herself. The way he waved as his younger siblings were put in the car by Moyo’s aunt, and they drove off before Moyo put on his jacket and told his dad not to worry about him.

Moyo reached up and pressed the blue button on the bus, recognizing the square he had once waited for Jens and Robbe, knowing it was pretty close to where they both lived. Maps would figure out the rest. And as he pulled up his phone, he sighed, looking at the image that he had chosen as his phone background. It was a family picture of all of them last summer. When his mom had insisted he explained to her how TikTok worked because all the people on there were doing those funny dances and she wanted to learn.

Moyo knew she had passed her dance genetics down to him. It made him feel connected to her.

He hated thinking that right now she was so deep into the dark void that when Thriller by Michael Jackson came onto the radio she didn’t even move or ask him to dance to it. He had done so anyways. But the connection wasn’t there. It almost felt like she wasn’t there.

He wasn’t sure what had transpired while he was out filming with the boys this afternoon but he came home to a dark vibe at his house. And as he rang the doorbell to Robbe’s house, he was forced to push that thought to the side.

“Moyo. Hi.” Robbe said while he opened the door for Moyo to walk in.

Moyo was at Robbe’s house just a few hours ago, filming the newest video for their channel. And despite knowing exactly where his wallet was - in the pocket of his other coat hanging in the hallway of his house – he came back here now.

“So you think you lost your wallet here this afternoon?” Robbe asked, walking to the living room and scanning the house for anything that could look like a wallet.

“Maybe.” Moyo replied. He followed Robbe into the room, eyeing the couch for a bit longer than the rest of the room. “Can I help search? I can try retracing my steps.”

Robbe nodded and gestured his arms to indicate he could look wherever he thought he might have lost it. And Moyo knew he was just killing time, but he walked around the living room hoping that by doing so, he would come up with a way to explain that he needed a place to crash tonight. 

“Sander is gonna be here soon, so if you hear the doorbell that’s probably him.” Robbe said, before walking into the kitchen to see if he could find the wallet there. “You have a black leather one, right?” Robbe called out from the other room, and Moyo hummed. 

He was fucked. If Robbe was meeting up with Sander then there was no point in asking if he could sleep at his place for the night. And suddenly, he didn’t want to be here. 

“I.. I eh... I could’ve also left it on the bus.” Moyo said, rubbing his hand over his head. He should get out of here, before... 

The bell rang. Robbe eagerly made his way to the door and Moyo tried not to stand there too awkwardly as Robbe greeted Sander with a passionate kiss. One he got a bit lost in, to the point where Sander had to break it off and remind him they had a movie to catch. 

“Right. Yes. Eh... the thing is, Moyo lost his wallet.” Robbe said, only then acknowledging his friend again. He turned around to where Moyo stood in between the archway into the kitchen.

“Oh.” Sander said, looking in between the two friends. “Right. Eh, so you’re... looking for it?” Sander asked. Truthfully it didn’t look like it now. 

“Yes. But once we’ve found it, we can go. You can help to find it faster?” Robbe suggested. 

And so Sander got off his shoes with a sigh and agreed to help look. Although he found it all just too bad. He was looking forward to their date. And after having to defend his relationship already once yesterday to Amber, he didn’t feel like hanging out with Moyo right now would do him any good. 

Although he knew that Moyo had made amends with Robbe about the homophobia he showered him in, Sander couldn’t let go of that type of stuff as easy as Robbe had himself. He knew that Robbe was the type to move on as fast as possible, and sometimes suppress things. 

From what Sander had heard from his own doctors, surpressing negative reactions to a coming out did more harm in the long run. So if Robbe needed someone to remind him that Moyo had to walk the walk instead of talk the talk, then he would be that person for him. 

“You guys filmed the video this afternoon, right?” Sander asked, walking up to Moyo but then he shifted his gaze and he continued onto the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water.

“Eh yeah. We were out in the dining room, filming.” Moyo confirmed, assuming the question was directed at him after the intense look Sander had given him.

“But also upstairs, in my room for a bit.” Robbe remembered. Sander looked up and arched his eyebrow at Moyo. “You were in the room of a gay guy?”

Moyo’s face turned into a mortified expression and he instantly felt more regret. He shouldn’t have come here. The last thing he needed was to be reminded of how he had been a horrible friend to Robbe, because that wouldn’t make him any more deserving of his help. 

Then Robbe poked Sander in the shoulder. “We’ve already pranked him for that, no need for that baby.” Robbe explained. And Sander knew about the prank. But he had never agreed to the method of it. Because sexuality wasn’t supposed to be a subjects of pranks. And people’s reactions when confronted with it should be taken note of and not ridiculed with cameras pointing at it. 

“Listen eh, I know I said some stuff. Because I was raised with a certain sense of normal and I.... I’m changing that, okay? I think it’s good that you guys are together. And I think it’s good that you call people out who do not support you guys.” Moyo said. He was walking up to the kitchen counter, nodding his head. 

“I don’t deserve to be asking you for any favors right now. I mistreated you and I am still learning from the error of my ways and I.”

“Woah, hold on.” Sander said, moving across the kitchen island once he could see the fear in Moyo’s eyes. He never meant to cause the kid this amount of distress. And that’s when Sander realized something was off entirely about Moyo’s composure, and that it had nothing to do with the past. 

He looked at Robbe and tried to convey with a look that this was a serious situaution and he should reach out to his friend. But Robbe just stood there, a bit perplexed. So Moyo continued.

“I don’t care if you’re gay. I don’t care if we were in your room earlier. I know that now. I know you’re just Robbe. And your sexuality doesn’t define you. I know I made it all about that while you had other stuff going on and -”

Moyo’s voice lost it’s strength, and by the end of it he was more mumbling. 

Sander sighed, and looked at Robbe again. But this time he wasn’t going to try convey anything without words. “I think we should go to the movies tomorrow. We should reschedule. You two can, eh...” Sander shrugged and then walked into the living room. He was already leaving. 

“Wait, what?” Robbe asked, following Sander along to the hall. Moyo stayed behind in the kitchen. He had been given a chance, he realized. And so as soon as Robbe returned from the hall, he would take it. 

Sander had now put on his shoes again, and he looked at Robbe, pulling him close. “I think something’s going on with your friend. And I don’t need to be here for that. You two should talk.”

“No but, we were supposed to have a date. Whatever it is, he can wait until lunchbreak tomorrow.” Robbe said, pouting. But Sander had made up his mind, and pulled his boyfriend in closer. “Robbe, I know inside of you is a caring heart. You’ve shown me time and time again. And right now, I think that your friend might need someone to unburden to. And I can’t help but get protective of you over all the homophobic shit he said, so I think it’s best if I go. If I give you guys space to talk.”

Robbe sighed and put both hands on the side of Sander’s face. He hated this. He hated Sander making him do what was morally the right thing to do.

“Okay. I’ll see if he wants to talk. And don’t worry, I can protect myself. I don’t need you to do that for me.” he smiled. He then kissed his boyfriend’s lips passionately, a promise for more, soon, and then he let go again. 

“Okay. I love you.” Sander said, leaning his forehead against Robbe’s. 

“Love you to. I’ll text you about the movies then, okay? Tomorrow?” Robbe asked. He needed something to hold on to, to look forward to. 

Sander sighed and then stepped away, opening the door. “We’ll see after tonight.” Sander spoke. “Bye.”

“Bye.” Robbe sighed, and then the door closed and he closed his eyes for a second along with it. What the hell did this night turn into?

“Hey...” he then said, walking back into the kitchen. Moyo was leaning his forearms on the counter, clearly a speech prepared. So Robbe sat down on the opposite seat, and gave him a small nod. 

“It’s my mom. She is not doing so good right now. I couldn’t be at the house. My siblings are staying at my aunts. I left without much of a plan so I thought of coming here and... I mean, I didn’t know where else to go.” Moyo said. His voice was less emotional than before, than when he was self-criitisizing. But Robbe could still see he struggled with it. 

“My mom is not doing so great either. She’s gone to bed super early these last few days. So,I can’t ask her. But I’m sure she wouldn’t make an issue of it if you crashed here for the night.” Robbe said.

Moyo looked up, hopeful eyes. “Really? It’s not an issue?”

Robbe shook his head. “Not at all. I used to crash at Jens’ all the time when things got too intense here. When my dad still lived here, and stuff like that. So I totally get it.” Robbe said. “You just need somewhere to wait until the storm passes...”

“Yeah. And you don’t have to worry, I won’t be any trouble. Well, except for you missing your date.” Moyo said, looking apologetic. 

Robbe shook his head and got up, sipping from the glass Sander had barely touched. “It’s fine.” Robbe assured him. “Let’s get back to the living room then.”

Moyo followed along and as they sat down, he felt a bit uneasy at first but then he realized Robbe was just going to lazily watch some tv and he started to slowly relax. He grabbed out his phone, checking to see if there was any news from the homestead, and when there was nothing there he put his phone upside down on the coffee table and leaned back against the couch. 

Later that night, Robbe showed him the guest bedroom which used to be his grandma’s as she lived with them until shortly before her passing. Moyo joked that he’d say hi to her ghost if she came wandering in. Robbe then showed him the family bathroom and scheduled their trip to school tomorrow before he went to sleep in his own room and Moyo returned to the bedroom Robbe had showed him earlier. 

He got under the sheets and thanked whoever there was to thank that he had a place to stay for the night, and he realized that Robbe’s description of riding out the storm was descriptive but also accurate, as outside a heavy wind started to cause chaos. 

But Moyo didn’t mind. He was used to falling asleep in the middle of chaos anyways. 


	60. Thursday - 30/01/2020 - 19.36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically just 2.2K of Sander and Robbe's date night fluff. Enjoy!

Taking the tram was a smart move, Robbe concluded. He was used to taking his bike everywhere, but this way he didn’t have to keep his focus on the road and they didn’t have the burden of their stearing wheels almost tangling into each other. 

They were also in luck, because the tram they were on was relatively empty which was a rare thing for tram 15. Perhaps if there would have been more people there, Robbe wouldn’t have leaned in closer and give Sander a soft kiss. 

He had these small moments of bravery sometimes, and Sander adored it. 

“How did your talk with Moyo go last night? He stayed at your place, you said?”

Robbe nodded, leaning into Sander a bit. “Yeah. His mom isn’t doing so well and he just needed some distance. It really sounded a lot like those nights when my dad would still live with us and I’d sneak out through the garage to go stay at Jens’ house.” Robbe spoke softly. 

Sander hummed and noticed Robbe was too distracted by the glowing sunset outside. But Sander only had eyes for him.

“It’s good that he felt like he could come to you...” Sander said, and Robbe returned his attention to his boyfriend now that they were going below ground and the window only showed his own reflection.

Robbe nodded, and smiled. “Yeah. It’s weird, but it feels like I really wasn’t the only one who grew up a lot last year.” Robbe said. He frowned at himself for a bit, and then looked up at Sander. “I mean... I never thought Moyo would be on my couch talking about his mom 5 months ago. I never would’ve thought Jens would be considering to stay behind by himself in Antwerp while his family moved to Utrecht. And I never ever éver would have imagined Aaron would be in a relationship that’s lasted for over a month now.” Robbe said. 

Sander chuckled and shook his head, because he continuously forgot just how young Robbe was. And that he was at this point in his life where he was only just discovering the serious sides of life, along with his friends. And part of Sander wanted to reply something synical, like saying it only got worse from there on out. But he didn’t feel like ruining the mood as they were currently on a date.

“Yeah and then you all get together and make a vlog to see who can recognize popular tiktok songs.” Sander laughed. He ruffled through Robbe’s hair with the hand that he had wrapped around his shoulder, and Robbe fought him off, leaning away. 

“Fuck you. You’re just jealous.” Robbe replied, but not being able to stop smilin as Sander kept reaching out for him and Robbe was completely glued to the window in his efforts.

“Eh, no? Actually, Aaron invited me to film a video just two days ago. I could join if I wanted to...” Sander then said, with a smug attitude and a challenging grin.

Robbe’s eyes grew big at the casual mention of it, and then he shook his head. “Yeah no, that’s not happening.” No way was he going to let Sander get involved with the channel. It would only result in endless teasing from the other boys. Besides, he had already talked to Sander before about how he liked that they didn’t need to be too involved in each other’s lives. So dragging Sander into a youtube channel ran by a bunch of 16 year olds didn’t exactly fit into the long-term, mature relationship that Robbe envisioned for them. 

“I know, you’d hate it. And Amber also made it clear to him that it wasn’t Aaron’s call, so...”

“Amber? With Aaron? Where did you see them?” Robbe asked. Did Sander just say two days ago?

Sander nodded, looking up when the next station was announced to be ‘opera’ which was their stop.

“Yeah. They were having a cute little lunchdate.” Sander said. “Somewhere near Driekoningen. Why?”

Robbe rolled his eyes at that. “I swear to god Aaron is so into her, it’s all he can talk about. And he always wants her to join us at lunch and stuff.” Robbe said. “So I’m not surprised they were on a lunchdate together.”

Sander raised an eyebrow and then got up from his seat, already waiting by the door. “Poor you, having to hear about straight people in relationships.” Sander smiled. 

When Robbe followed him to the door and they got off the tram, he playfully punched Sander. “Shut up. Why are you teasing so much all of the sudden?” Robbe wondered.

He liked it, a lot, and he wasn’t complaining at all. The time off that Sander now had once his exams were over was perfect, as it allowed them to meet up like this on weeknights without getting in the way of anyone’s study plans. 

“Take it or leave it, baby. I’m just here to see that lovely smile of yours.” Sander replied as he got on the escalators and turned around to face Robbe – after all it was considered inpolite to stand next to each other on escalators. And when Robbe gave him that soft smile of his, Sander absolutely melted. “There it is.”

“Yes yes yes, now look out or you will fall.” Robbe warned as they reached the top, and Sander reached out his hand to grab Robbe’s once they were able to walk side by side again. 

“Also, I am literally agreeing to go see ‘Bad Boys For Life’ with you. And I even cleaned my room for you this afternoon, so we should go to my place after this.”

Robbe scoffed as the cold air hit them and he instinctively leaned a bit closer to his boyfriend. “You cleaned your room for me?”

Sander nodded, and he paused at the first intersection, pulling Robbe in for a kiss. “Of course. Nothing is too much effort for you. You know that. Now lets go watch this movie so I can get you in my bed afterwards.” Sander said. 

He truthfully wanted to get this overcommercialized action comedy blockbuster type of movie over with as soon as possible. And when he finally did see the closing titles on the screen 124 later, he groaned. Fi-na-lly.

“What did you think of it?” Robbe asked as they left the cinema room. He dropped his empty bag of popcorn in the garbage bag and reached for Sander’s hand. 

“I think the directing was okay. Good for those two.” he said, referencing the Belgian director duo Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah. It was the main reason why Robbe had managed to convince him to go watch the movie, and at least that part hadn’t dissappointed. “But you know how I feel about these type of overhyped movies.”

“Right, doesn’t fit in your extra artistic vision.” Robbe teased. Sander gave him a warning look. “Careful you, or I will have to find another muze...” he teased back.

He was leading them out of the movie theatre building, and when they got back out on the street, the cold suddenly surprised them both. Sander’s sollution was to lean in closely to his boyfriend, and after a questioning look, and an assuring nod from Robbe’s end, he pulled him even closer and kissed him. Robbe lifted both his arms and locking them behind Sander’s neck.

Robbe’s lips tasted sweet, Sander noticed. He had opted for a large bag of popcorn that he had refused to share, so in reality that wasn’t a surprise. They continued to kiss, both of them just enjoying the moment and then Sander’s arms snaked around Robbe’s waist and the kiss grew into something more intense.

For a while it seemed like the kiss would never end. They kept each other holding on close, and neither was considering moving. Neither of them wanted to. But at a certain point they had to break the kiss for air, and Robbe panted, leaning his forehead agains’t Sander’s. “I liked this date a lot, but i’m kind of freezing. So I think we should go.” and Sander agreed. 

The distance from UGC to Sint-Andries was just on the wrong side of an enjoyable walk, so they opted to take the tram down to the Groenplaats to give themselves a chance to get warm. Robbe had Sander’s hands wrapped in his own, and Robbe was blowing hot air in the little cave his hands formed. 

“Thanks baby.” Sander said, pressing a soft kiss to Robbe’s cheek. Robbe never really let go of Sander’s hand, only to allow Sander to reach for his keys and open the door to their building. Which had a heated hallway, and Robbe sighed in relief.

Sander then checked the mailbox and pulled three enveloppes out before he grabbed Robbe’s hand and they got in the elevator upstairs. Robbe remembered Sander lived on the top floor, so he pressed the button for the fourth floor and Sander looked at him impressed that he still remembered from over a month ago.

“Are your parents home?” Robbe asked, and Sander nodded. “Yeah. They might still be in the living room. Do you wanna stop and say hi or just get to my room right away?” Sander asked. 

Robbe contemplated the options for a bit. When he met Sander’s mom she was really nice, and had asked him questions about school and his interests. But Sander’s dad hadn’t been there at the time. And Robbe wasn’t sure how he felt about meeting him now. 

“Your dad, is he...?”

Robbe wasn’t sure what he was asking. ‘Is he like mine?’, maybe? But Sander just smiled, seeming to understand the question that wasn’t asked. “He’s chill. He won’t make a big deal out of it.”

The elevator doors opened, and Robbe then decided, walking with Sander to the door. “Okay, we can say hi.” he smiled. 

Sander then opened the door with another key and walked in, spotting the light on in the living room. “Dad?” he asked. He told Robbe to just kick off his shoes, not bothering with putting them away nicely. 

“You boys are finally home.” Sander’s dad said, walking into the hallway. When he saw Robbe he smiled and reached out his hand. “Frank Driesen. Sander’s dad.”

Robbe smiled and shook the man’s hand. “Robbe. Hi.” 

“You boys want some hot chocolate? It’s cold as hell out there, you know I could have come and picked you guys up.” he said as they all walked into the big open kitchen. 

Sander looked at Robbe and smiled at the unsure expression on his boyfriend’s face. He didn’t want to make this too much for one day, and he still had a mission to get Robbe in his bed as soon as possible. “Actually we were just gonna go to sleep right now. But...How about instead you make us a pancake breakfast tomorrow morning?” Sander asked. He knew he was sorta pushing his luck, as that was a special effort his dad usually only made on the weekends and birthdays or anniversaries.

“Eh yeah. Yeah I can do that. If you can wake up before noon, that is.” Frank teased. 

He was being a cool dad, Robbe observed. But it also came pretty natural to him, and so it seemed like Frank was the parent that Sander got his charm and chill from. Not that his mother hadn’t been charming, Robbe thought. But she had been practical. Whereas Frank was standing in front of them in his loungewear and offered to make them hot chocolate. Robbe couldn’t help but chuckle at the contrast, and he could see both sides as a part of Sander too.

“No, eh, Robbe has school tomorrow.” Sander clarified. He then looked at Robbe, who suddenly realized he was required to say something and he scratched the back of his head. Right. Tomorrow morning. 

“I probably have to leave here at 7.45.”

“Okay. That sounds like good timing. I can take care of breakfast. 7.15AM pancakes will be on the menu.”

“Thanks dad. Is mom still up?” Sander said, already hooking his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulder while they headed back to the hallway.

“She was preparing her lecture half an hour ago, but I don’t know.” Frank said. 

In case of uncertainty, Sander had learned it was best to not disturb and so they walked by his parents’ room and Sander opened the door to his own bedroom on the far end of the hall. 

“Well look at that, you actually did clean.” Robbe joked, and a few seconds later he found himself pinned down on the bed with Sander giving him an intense look. 

“Be nice, or I will tell my dad to forget about the pancakes.” Sander bargained. 

“Okay okay.” Robbe chuckled, then reaching his neck upwards to give his boyfriend a kiss. “I’ll be nice. I want those pancakes.”

“Damn right.” Sander said, before he settled down on the bed next to Robbe and he switched on the bedside table. “Wanna go to sleep?” Sander asked, and Robbe glanced over at the door they had just walked into, the adjecent bathroom door next to it. 

“Just how soundproof is your room?” Robbe asked, with a playful smile on his face. 

“I guess we will find out in the morning.” Sander winked, before he leaned in and kissed Robbe’s lips passionately. 


	61. Friday - 31/01/2020 - 18.23

“Don’t even bother putting your stuff down.” Senne said, his hands tucked in his pocket. He looked around at the other people on the platform. An older couple, a group of teens and a bunch of other people who just like Viktor were dragging their suitcase out of the train.

When Viktor turned around, he smiled. The typical smug smile Senne had seen often when he grew up. When Viktor would avoid punishment for something he had done because his mom took pity on the fact that he didn’t have a father figure growing up. The same smile Viktor gave him when he got on the train to Amsterdam two years ago, taunting Senne that he would never be far and that he shouldn’t get too comfortable. 

But Amsterdam was far enough, Senne thought. 

They both gave each other a look over. Viktor was checking every box that was part of the outfit of a preppy finance student. Meanwhile Senne appeared a bit rougher on the edges. He shaved, but he was running out of nice clothes to wear. And he wasn’t going to ask Gill to get him some clothes, after he had already been crashing at her place.

“How nice of you to come and pick me up, little brother.” Viktor said. Then he tilted his head, trying to figure out Senne’s intention. And the fact that he couldn’t figure it out on the spot, was proof that they were brothers. That they could both manipulate and mislead people.

Although he knew whatever this was, it wasn’t something out of brotherly love. That much was obvious from the venomous look Senne was giving him right now. Like an animal defending it’s territory.

“You’re going to go to track 22. You wait there for...” Senne checked the clock behind him. “17 minutes. And you get on the first train back to Amsterdam.” Senne said. He didn’t miss any beats as he made it clear to his brother that this wasn’t something up for discussion.

Then he grabbed the ticket he had bought out of his pocket, and Viktor pulled on the handle of his suitcase, walking a bit closer. He was... intrigued, perhaps. He wanted to know what grand endeavor Senne had planned in order to try and stop him. But a train ticket back to Amsterdam? That just wasn’t going to cut it.

“You don’t actually think this is going to work, are you?” Viktor said. “I’m already here. Mom is expecting me. You have no way of stopping me, little brother.”

Senne looked at him and then sighed, in defeat. “Yeah, okay. You have a point. I’m not going to stop you.” Senne said. He then took a look at the distance between them, and pulled out another piece of paper from his coat pocket. “But you’re currently in violation of a restraining order that requires you to stay 200m away from me and the place I live. So the cops will stop you instead.” 

Viktor shook his head, looking away. He wasn’t about to be stopped by a piece of paper. And for all intents and purposes, it really didn’t seem like Senne had thought this through properly. And Viktor couldn’t help but think back at the afternoon at the bar, where Zoë spilled her revenge onto him. At least she had done her research properly.

“Gill told me you’re crashing at hers.” Viktor replied. “But don’t worry, I won’t stop by her place to catch up then.” Viktor said, before he started pulling on the handle of his suitcase with the intention of now finally leaving this ridicule behind him. And sure by now Senne must realize that he was making a fool of himself. So he was doing both of them a favor by just getting on with their days. If they had to sit across the table from one another in a few hours and act civil, he could do that. But now his time was being wasted, and he had places to be. 

Senne shook his head, and as Viktor was about to walk past him, he got a hold of his arm. Viktor had age to his advantage, but he was really frail when it came down to it. Senne could tell he tried to pull his arm out of Senne’s grip, but Senne forced his brother to look at him instead. 

“See, this is exactly how you keep underestimating the people you torment.” he said, their intense stares matching as they spoke in hushed voices. Neither of them wanted to cause a scene. 

“Officialy, I switched my adress back to live with mom and dad, and this document confirms it. The closest you can get to the dinner is by taking binoculars and watching from the other side of the river. So you’re not going to get a chance to convince mom and dad that you’re reformed after what you did to Zoë. And that means you have no business being here in Antwerp.”

Senne then looked at the clock again, and smiled. “15 minutes. I’d get going, the track is on the other side of the station.” Senne warned. 

Viktor pulled his arm away from his brother and scoffed. He called Senne’s bluff. There was no way he would ever go to those lengths. Or for their parents to agree to this. 

“Dad would never sign that.” Viktor argued, and Senne shrugged. “Yours, no. Mine, yes.” Senne nodded, pointing out the signature on the piece of paper. And he knew he really shouldn’t be confronting Viktor with the fact that he didn’t have a father at a time like this. But Senne couldn’t deny it felt oddly satisfying to do so.

“Take it.” he said, now switching back to holding the train ticket in front of him. “Take it. Get out of here. And stay away from me and the people I love. It’s the only option you have left. That or I call the cops and you can spend the night locked up.”

Senne could see the gears spinning in Viktor’s had. Checking which options he had, what his odds were. And just when Senne though his brother was hyping himself up for a physical fight, Viktor put down his suitcase and grabbed the ticket out of Senne’s hand.

“You know, when you go through this much trouble you kind of make this whole thing ridiculous, you know. I mean, what is this more than just some banter between two brothers.” Viktor laughed. 

Senne was not amused, and clenched his jaw. In another time, that comment would have caused his fist to start swinging. But he had been working on avoiding that type of outbursts. Instead, he took a deep breath and looked at his brother with focus. “Track 22. And I swear to god I will kick your pathetic ass on the ground if I ever hear about you being back in Antwerp.”

“Okay okay, I’ll humor you with this one. I’m not that much a fan of seafood anyways.” Viktor said. He then picked up his suitcase and looked at Senne once more. 

Then, just as he was about to say something the voice sounding through the speakers announced something, and Viktor’s words disappeared in the noise. Knowing he couldn’t have planned that, Senne relished in seeing the annoyance on Viktor’s face. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell mom something came up.” Senne said, patting his brother on his shoulder. He then crossed his arms and moved out of Viktor’s path towards the rest of the station. He then watched as Viktor descended, and Senne observed from the upper level of the station as he got on the return train to Amsterdam. And as the doors closed, and the train left the station, he sighed in relief.


	62. Saturday - 01/02/2020 - 13.56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys! This chapter finally marks the beginning of February 2020 in this fic. 
> 
> FI-NA-LLY!

Robbe decided to take a break from skating after half an hour or so at the skatepark, and when he looked up and saw just Aaron and Moyo sitting on the edge it confused him a little bit. 

“Jens couldn’t make it?” Robbe asked, picking up his board. 

“Nope. But that move you just did, that was really dope.” Moyo commented. 

“Did you practice on that for long?” Aaron asked, and Robbe shrugged, taking a seat on the edge himself. Technically they weren’t supposed to sit here, because it obstructed the skaters. But today there weren’t that many people out in the skatepark, the cold weather keeping people indoors.

“Few weeks now.” Robbe replied to Aaron. 

Robbe pulled up a tutorial video he had saved, and passed his phone along to Aaron and Moyo and he then rolled his board under his feet. 

“Oh yeah, when you lean backwards it’s easier to land!” Aaron said, acting like it was some big reveleation. But it was just basic physics. Then again, Robbe did have a good understanding of physics, perhaps that helped. 

“Yeah, the hardest part is getting the board to flip to begin with. Then I just tried to put it down with one foot, and then afterwards it’s just all about adding the back foot onto the board. And voilà, 360 flip.”

Aaron looked at him with expression of amazement, and shook his head in disbelief. “I seriously don’t get how you have time for that.”

“What do you mean?” Robbe frowned.

“Well, there’s school. Which is kicking my ass, my rapport card from January sucked.” Aaron sighed. “And then there’s Amber.” he said, immediatly turning his frown into a smile. Moyo and Robbe both caught it, and exchanged a look. It seemed like lately Aaron couldn’t go one conversation without mentioning Amber, and today seemed like it wasn’t an exception. 

“Anyways, I just don’t know how you combine everything. I mean, you and Sander. School. Learning cool moves like this. Moving back to your parents house...”

“That was a month ago though.” Moyo said, frowning. 

“Yeah but like, you’ve seen how stressed out Jens has been lately. Moving is a fucking big deal.” Aaron said. He had moved closer to Antwerp himself over the summer, and the fact that it had him start at a new school for his fifth year had worried him. In the end, he was lucky he had found a great group of friends with the guys. 

“Although I guess it didn’t change that much for you?” Aaron then asked Robbe. 

Robbe shrugged, shaking his head. “Except that I now no longer have noisy roommates and my mom is certainly way more chill.” Robbe said, comparing their current evenings in front of the tv to the former tense family dynamic that would be present in the livingroom when his dad was still around. 

“And what about Sander? Is she cool with your, well, older boyfriend staying over?” Aaron asked, his curiosity now peaked. Perhaps it was the fact that he had yet to even find out what the names were of Amber’s parents. But he knew that if he were to introduce her to his parents they’d have rules about being alone behind closed doors. 

“Yeah. Of course. I mean... We had a talk obviously.” Robbe said. He had felt like it was best to start things off with clear communications when he moved back into his parents’ house. The fact that Sander would be allowed to stay over was on the top of his requests, followed by takeout once a week because he had missed the takeout from their part of the city. They had discussed what time he’d be back home if he went out late, and they had agreed he’d let her know if anyone stayed over so that neither of them ran into surprises in the bathroom in the morning.

Robbe then looked up and decided not to point out that Sander being older didn’t get factored into any of that. But he was curious as to why Aaron wanted to know if his mom allowed it. “Why do you wanna know?”

Aaron shrugged and looked at the other skaters in front of them. “I’ve never been to Amber’s.” Aaron said. “Do you think she’s not allowed to bring anyone over to her house, maybe?”

Moyo frowned and looked aside. “Why would she not be allowed to bring anyone over. Unless she is party of a cult or something.” Then, his face morphed. “Oh god, that would explain a lot. Amber is totally a cult-leader in training. She is so bossy...”

“Hey.” Aaron said, cutting Moyo off. “Don’t be an ass. She’s my girlfriend. And there could be reasons why she’s not allowed to have visitors. Maybe her parents work for important people and it’s a security issue or something.” Aaron said defensively. He had been thinking about this for a while now, and there were several theories floating around in his head.

“Aaron.” Robbe sighed. “I think... I mean, maybe you’ve watched one too many superhero movies. Maybe she just thinks it’s awkward? She hasn’t been in a serious relationship before, right?” Robbe suggested. 

Aaron shook his head. Neither had he, for that matter. But he always made sur to let Amber know he wanted her to meet his parents soon. 

“Have you tried talking to her about this? I mean...” Robbe sighed, a bit frustrated. Why was he the one stuck giving the advice. He looked at Moyo, but it seemed like he wanted to avoid the involvement. 

“Okay so look... Sometimes people attach a lot of importance to their personal space. It can be hard, letting others in.” Robbe said. 

“It can be hard...” Moyo echoed with a grin, and Robbe smacked his arm, before he continued. 

“Like... When I lived at the flatshare there was a very open space. Everyone shared the flat and my room was mine, yes, but it helped when I first hung out with Sander at the flatshare... I mean, I didn’t want him to feel like it was an intrusion. I wanted him there. And I think it’s important to vocalize that.”

Aaron thought over the words, leaning his chin on his knuckles. 

“But won’t that come across as me just wanting to have sex though?”

“Don’t you?” Robbe chuckled. Aaron cheeks started to blush and he nodded, shyly. “Well then. You just have to give that sort of thing time.”

“Or book a fancy hotel like Jack Frost did for this guy here. That also worked.” Moyo commented. 

Robbe rubbed his hand over his face. “No. No, Aaron do not book a hotel.” he sighed. Not that he regretted the fact that they had spent the night at the hotel. But it was simply not something he would want to be assumed is the default thing to do. 

“Just... let her know you want to spend time with her. No pressure on anything. I... I was a bit eager myself, when Sander and I first started dating. But you have to let it grow a bit more naturally.”

He still remembered when Sander had kissed him at the pool and he got this first taste of what it could be like to be free of that voice in his head that told him what he was feeling was wrong. He latched onto the sensation of being free and the personification of it that Sander represented to him. And once he was ready to fully embrace that feeling, having worked through his final doubts after their kiss, he didn’t want to stop. He wanted more, he wanted everything. He wanted to touch, to kiss, to feel it all. It didn’t matter how intense the wave was crashing over him, he was ready to learn how to surf it instead of hiding underneath it now. 

“Do you think it’s too big of a cliché to do something for Valentine’s? Girls like that, right?”

“Not just girls.” Robbe said, shaking his head with a smile. “Yeah, you could do something. As long as it’s you, and not the overcommercialized industry behind that day. You could make something for her.”

“Like a poem?” Aaron asked, and Robbe looked at Moyo who could barely contain his laughter before he turned back to Aaron. “For example. Doesn’t have to be big. Maybe there’s a song that reminds you of her. It could be just the two of you hanging out too.”

“Right, okay lads that’s where I’m drawing the line. February 2020 and I have to listen to the two of you babble like this. It’s still 2 weeks until that romantic bullshit, and instead of focussing on what you guys are gonna get those lovers of yours, how about we make sure no man gets left behind, okay? I need to find someone too.”

Robbe frowned and then looked at Moyo. “Yes, and?”

“And...” Moyo repeated. “How about you guys actually help me out with some advice on that instead of constantly talking about findng a way to express your deepest desires.” 

Moyo then snapped his fingers and leaned his elbows on his kneew. “Give me ideas.”

“Ideas? You want ideas from us?” Aaron frowned. He exchanged a look with Robbe, causing both of them to burst into laughter, and they high-fived in front of Moyo because damn right they were in a relationship. But what mostly made it hilarious was that Moyo was never one to be so desperate so obviously. Yet it seemed like he had reached a breaking point. 

“It’s been too long since I’ve had any fun, and I need to find someone.”

“Okay, okay.” Robbe said, his laughter subsiding. “Well, do you like someone in particular?”

Moyo shook his head, raising his shoulders in defeat.

“Then how can we help?” Aaron deadpanned. 

He had a point, Robbe thought. Then again, it wasn’t like Robbe was actively looking for a boyfriend when he fell for Sander.

“Have you tried just meeting new people. Being in a different environment?”

In Robbe’s mind, the words that Sander had used on the beach trip echoed.

_Like going on a beach trip with total strangers?_

Moyo looked aside to where Robbe gave him a ‘don’t act so surprised’ look. It had worked for them. Against all the odds, Robbe and Sander had found each other in the crappy kitchen of a beachside motel just because Sander was brave enough to accept that maybe a change of environment was what he needed. Originally to mend his relationship with Britt, but in the end to mend the ache in his heart.

“Like where?” Moyo then asked. He met plenty of new people at parties, but he was still single. What else was there out there that could give him the opportunity to meet someone?

“Eh... I don’t know. Maybe you can join a dance class?”

Robbe knew about that much about Moyo, that he liked to dance and be in the spotlight and he always got annoyed at them for not being hype enough when they were at parties.

“A dance class?” Moyo asked. He let the concept roll through his head. Then once more.

“Yeah, I mean... You like to dance. So it would be cool if that’s something you have in common with the person you meet, right?” Robbe reasoned. 

Moyo nodded, but Robbe wasn’t sure if he was actually listening or connecting to the concept in his own head, but he figured he had done his part in giving him a suggestion. 

Then, Moyo got up and Aaron and Robbe watched as he set off in the direction of the city. 

“Wait, where are you going?” Aaron asked, and Moyo turned over, walking backwards. 

“To see if there’s any dance classes I can join. Later boys!” he said. 

Robbe and Aaron turned back to each other and another burst of laughter followed, before they both settled to watching some of the other people at the skatepark. 

Then, after a while, Aaron’s voice cut through the silence. “So how often do you guys actually sleep together?” he asked point blank. 

Robbe groaned and grabbed his board, getting up. “Aaron, seriously.”

“What?! It’s intriguing. I have no examples to base thing on, Robbe.” Aaron said, as his friend was about to skate away. “Robbe? Don’t skate away! Robbe just answer the question, how many?”


	63. Sunday - 02/02/2020 - 14.37

“Hey, hey Sander. Don’t dissappear on me right away son.” Frank said as Sander left the bathroom and headed directly back into his room. Frank closed the hallway closet and tilted his head to the kitchen. 

Sander sighed and considered going to his room anyways, but then he concluded he was too old to be the antisocial teen and so he walked into the kitchen, sitting at the kitchen counter. “What’s up?”

“You ready for school tomorrow?” Frank asked. He was typing on his laptop, but Sander knew he had his attention regardless. 

“I think so.” he nodded. He knew he didn’t express the desired amount of enthusiasm, but it wasn’t something he could be 100% sure of until he was in the classroom. His classes this upcoming semester were almost all new, and he didn’t know what to expect. So he figured he’d rather be honest than pretend to be excited. 

Frank hummed and looked up at his son, then smiling. “You do make sure to get enough sleep though, right? I saw your light on until 2AM on Thursday, so I guess you guys weren’t that tired after all then, hmm?” Frank said with a smile.

You see the thing is, Sander knew he could be a flirt, and a tease. And Robbe called him out for it plenty of times, being all desperate and stuff. It was adorable. But Sander learned from the master. He learned from his dad, who was the jokester of the family and he lived for making his son feel embarrassed.

And right now wasn’t any different, as Sander looked away to try and avoid turning into a blushing mess. He tried to remind himself it wasn’t a secret that he loved Robbe, and that they had a sexual relationship too. But his dad still got to him, and his comment made Sander just a tiny bit shy. “Yeah well, eh... I mean yeah, now that I have classes I will, eh, make sure to go to sleep on time.”

Frank hummed in approval and then looked up from his computer. And despite all the teasing, this time he was a bit more serious. Not in a strict lecture type of way. That was his mom’s forte. But Sander could tell by the look his dad was giving him that he had stuff on his mind. 

“Sander, I just want you to know that I’m proud of you. The way you handled things with your exams, after you were admitted. And your mom and I have been very glad that you were able to get your bearings a bit this last week. To relax. And we’re very happy you’ve found someone that you feel comfortable around.” Frank spoke.

Sander swallowed, and nodded, before he walked a bit closer. “I know I... I know I haven’t been here that much though. And I’m sorry about that. But mom is also really busy whenever there’s exams at the university and so I just tried to put some distance between myself and that. It’s her job, I know that. But these were my first exams and after everything that happened before I just...” 

Sander sighed deeply, then looking at his dad, who just gave him a small nod, eyes closed. He understood.

“I know son. It’s been a heavy few weeks for all of us. So that’s why I’m going to make us all a dinner tonight, so that we can have some time as a family. Does that sound good to you? Or do you have any plans?” 

Sander looked at the clock and then shook his head. “Nope. No plans. Looking forward to it.” Sander smiled. His dad then put a hand on his shoulder and he knew it was his way of reaching out and showing his support. Sander recalled his dad had originally really struggled with Sander’s diagnosis, because he had lost a friend to the illness when he was younger. But since then he had been as supportive as he could be, in his own way. In moments like these, where he would check in to see how he was doing. In days like a few weeks ago when Sander first returned to sleep at home and his dad had just hugged him and told him he was safe.

Sander then received a tekst, and he checked his phone to see it was from Mia. 

[I’m having that wine and cheese evening thing tomorrow to celebrate the new semester. Do you wanna go grocery shopping with me?]

“If it’s Robbe, you could always invite him?” Frank suggested. 

Sander shook his head. “It’s Mia.” he said, before replying. 

[Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.]

“Robbe just lives with his mom, and he made her this adorable promise to try cooking for the two of them once a week. So that’s their sunday evening thing.”

“You make it seem like he is a danger in the kitchen.” Frank said in a disapproving way. Maybe it was because of the fact that he was the better chef between his own wife and himself. But he would always prefer to shine a light on her better qualities instead of dismissing the skills she didn’t master.

“But he kinda is.” Sander laughed. “Reminds me of mom a bit. Except even with croques he was pretty clueless. And for mom that’s her specialty, so...”

Frank looked up, a sense of pride for his son blooming. “Well it’s a good thing you got your cooking genes from me then. But okay, I’ll just make dinner for the three of us tonight.”

Sander nodded and considered then returning back to his room. But he suddenly no longer felt like doing so, and he put his phone down on the counter, eyeing his dad’s computer and wondering what he was working on.

“I didn’t even know you could type with more than 2 fingers.” Sander said, then leaning over to look at the screen. “Let alone use OneNote? Wow dad, you’ve come a long way from your dinosaur days...”

It was an ongoing joke within their family. Sander’s dad was the only one who didn’t have a profile on social media so whenever family news was shared he would hop onto his mom’s account and post in her name. Which would sometimes cause some hilarious confusion.

“I made the choice to not get into all of that stuff when it emerged years ago. There’s a difference between making that choice and not being able to keep up with technology.” Frank replied without looking up from his screen. A dinosaur, how dare he.

“I still think you should get on the social media thing dad. You’re missing out on a lot of nice family pictures of uncle Jurgen.” Sander said. He then grabbed his phone and showed his dad some of the latest instastories within their family. 

“Right, those things dissappear after 24 hours don’t they.” Frank then commented, and Sander nodded. He knew another teasing comment was on its way right then.

“Reminds me of my son who can’t stay in the house for more than 24 hours.” Frank then said, looking up with another grin. 

“Yup, and that’s my cue to leave.” Sander said, pretending he was about to walk out. But instead he walked up to the fridge and poured himself some orange juice.

“You know I like to be here, dad. I just have a bunch of other people that I also wanna spend time with.” Sander explained, walking back with his glass in his hand.

Of course they had had this conversation before. And his parents had always been chill about it. After all Sander had chosen not to get a student room because he already lived so close to his school. And so there were plenty of opportunities for family dinners like tonight. 

“I’m just saying... You can always bring your friends out here too. And Robbe is always welcome, of course.” Frank said. 

Sander looked up with a smile, and he grinned. “He did really like your pancakes on Fridays.”

“He better. That’s usually reserved for special occasions.” 

“Yeah but it was kind of a special occasion though. I mean, the two of you meeting.” Sander reasoned. Then he paused for a moment, because he had never discussed the meeting between them with his dad in detail. “I know you said Friday that you think he’s a great guy...”

“Sander, you do not need to worry.” Frank then said, closing his computer a little bit, trying to be assuring by giving him the full attention. “As long as you guys are being safe, and you talk to each other and you treat each other with respect, then you two have my blessing or whatever it is that you want.”

And Sander couldn’t help but think that his dad simply knew him too well. He had looked up to him his entire life. When he was younger he would always go to his dad’s shows at the theatre. And as he got older, his dad had always supported him to follow his own artistic dreams. But they shared more than their love for the arts. Sander got his emotional side from his dad too. And somehow his dad always knew his worried and concerns, sometimes even before Sander knew them himself. 

He recalled the conversation when he first told his dad about his crush on a boy before Robbe came along. He was so nervous, scared to tell his parents that aside from being bipolar there was another thing about him that wasn’t ‘normal’. But his dad had been quick to normalize Sander’s feelings for a boy right away. He talked about how many of his friends in the theaterworld were gay or had a fluid sexuality. And Sander had seen the proud look in his dad’s eyes, and the warm smile coming from his mom, and that was all he needed to live that part of his life in truth. 

“You know, Robbe he... He has this friend. His former roommate, Milan.” Sander smiled. He liked Milan. He was extremely supportive and could handle both the serious subject and the laughing matters. “Robbe refers to him as his gay guru. And I kinda think you’re mine, dad.” Sander said. 

This caused Frank to look up, lifting his glasses from his nose. “Well, son, I’m in a loving relationship with your mother and I have never had feelings for someone with another gender but if the gay part isn’t an immediate qualification to be a guru, then I'd gladly be yours.”

Sander smiled and shook his head. “No, it’s not a requirement.” Sander confirmed. “Thanks dad.”

“Now I know I gave you food airplanes and taught you how to ride a bike when you were a kid but you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific about what you’re thanking me for right now.” Frank said. And Sander shrugged. There wasn’t really a specific reason. Other than the fact that they could just chill and talk on a Sunday afternoon like this. 

“For everything and nothing.” Sander replied. “Anyways, I gotta grab my stuff and get everything ready for class tomorrow.”

And as he made it back to his room he heard his dad order the home speaker sister to play some David Bowie, and Sander couldn’t help but smile as he closed the door. 


	64. Monday - 03/02/2020 - 16.04

The thing about Mia was that she was super passionate about her art. She was creative and overflowing with ambition. During the exams, it was almost impossible to get a proper hold of her because she was so focussed on succeeding academically. When they had met up towards the end of their exam season, it had been scheduled in weeks before. And even then it was cut short because exams were a bitch.

It was a stark contrast with the Mia who was hanging onto Sander’s shoulder as they rolled the cart through the supermarket. 

“Oh, flowers! I should put some nice flowers in a vase. Crap, wait... I don’t think I have a vase at my dorm.” she then suddenly realized. 

“Flowers die in a few days anyways. I don’t think it’s worth it.” Sander said. 

Mia looked at him and rolled her eyes. “You just can’t keep any plants alive. I’m really good with them, you’ve seen my dorm.” Mia argued. She then selected a nice flower arrangement and put it down in their cart. 

Sander just chuckled and shook his head. He did wonder what he was here for, if not to talk her out of bad purchases. 

“Okay next is the important stuff though, the wine.” Mia said, and she gestured Sander to follow her into the aisle of wine in the back of the supermarket. It was overwhelming to say the least, especially for people like them who had no idea what they were getting themselves into. 

“Which wine did you drink earlier this week, the one I saw on your insta?” Sander said. “Was that a good one? Maybe we can take that?” 

Mia’s face scrunched up in disgust, and she shook her head. “God no,it was horrible.” she said. This caused Sander to frown.

“What do you mean? You drank at least that entire bottle?”

“Yeah because it’s wine and I had spent my money on it so I might as well drink it. But I didn’t actually like it. It’s kinda like having sex with one of the TA’s. You do it because you have no other options, but it’s not the best sex you’re ever gonna get.” Mia reasoned. 

And there she was, Sander thought. The other side of Mia. The no-filter, always excited girl who had agreed to navigate the building of their campus with him on their joint first day. 

The same girl who waited for him by the school this morning and asked him if he felt ready for their 10.30AM class. Sander had given her a look, the same one he gave his mom when she asked him if he had made sure to get a refill for his meds. But where his mom usually responds with a defensive ‘I’m just checking...’, Mia rolled her eyes and she had hooked her arm in his. “I gotta ask. It’s in my contract. Sander Driesen’s emotional support person. Your parents literally pay me to do it, you know.” was her response, bringing some sort of humor into it like she usually did.

“Now it makes sense why you’re so confident in your grade for semiotics. You just slept with the TA.” Sander teased. Mia looked up and crossed her arms. “We both know you’d have way more luck with him than I do.”

And right, Sander thought. The TA from semiotics was the out and proud Jonas Verbruggen. Not exactly Sander’s type though, he concluded. 

“Yeah well, I don’t think even that could save my grade for that class.” Sander sighed as they both started browsing through the dozens of bottles in front of them. Mia the concern in his voice, and she turned to him,determined to distract him now.

“Yeah that and the fact that you have a totally cute boyfriend that you should give all your time and attention.” she reminded him. And the thought did make a smile appear on Sander’s face. She was right. As much as he enjoyed talking about potential hookups and hypothetical sex in exchange for a better grade, when it came down to it he wouldn’t exchange anything for what he had with Robbe right now. 

“Exactly. And he is the best thing that has happened to me in years. Now, let’s get this wine thing sorted.” he spoke. 

And so they both turned back to the rows and rows of wine in front of them. Neither of them actually knowing much about wine in the end, Mia opted to go with the second to cheapest option while Sander tried to consult a wine app on his phone. 

“This one is getting four stars though. And it’s only 20 cents more expensive than that one.” he said, pointing at the one Mia was holding. 

“Okay yeah, 20 cents is worth it.” Mia agreed and they swapped out the bottles, adding the four chosen ones to Mia’s cart.

“Okay so now on to the cheese section or...?” 

“Yes. I’ll drive though, you have horrible shopping cart experiences with valuable stuff in there.” Mia said. And before Sander could ask her if she was alluding to the first time he hung out with Robbe and crashed him into a pile of boxes, she was already turning around and heading for the next aisle. 

That’s when she came to an abrupt stop and the cart hit the heels of a guy checking out the canned goods section of the store. 

“Sorry, my bad.” Mia apologized. That’s when Sander caught up to her and he spotted the guy she had bumped into. “Jens? Hi.”

Jens was eyeing the cart that had just ran into him when he looked up after someone said his name. “Sander. Eh hi, this is a coincidence.”

“Do you guys know each other?” Mia asked, leaning her elbows on the cart and observing the exchange. 

“He’s Robbe’s best friend.” Sander explained, before he saw the look in Mia’s eyes and he sighed at the ball of extrovert energy that Mia could be sometimes. 

“Jens, this is Mia. My best friend.” Sander said. “Mia, this is Jens.”

Mia waved at Jens, who then took a look at her cart and smiled. He was tasked by his mom to go find him some canned beans along with peas and carrots. Any excuse to leave the house these days was good enough. But it seemed like there were more fun options out there, like whatever party Mia and Sander were stocking up for. 

“Is there a party somewhere or..?” Jens inquired, looking at Sander who then looked at Mia. When she shrugged, Sander tilted his head. “Mia is doing a wine and cheese night. To celebrate the start of the new semester.”

“Cool.” Jens nodded.

In all honesty, a wine and cheese night wasn’t exactly on Jens’ list of ‘cool’ ways to spend a mondayevening. But at this point he was just about desperate enough to let his charm do the work to get him an invite and a distraction for the evening. 

“Is anyone I know going to be there?” Jens asked, eyeing Sander.

And truthfully Sander hadn’t given it much more thought since Mia had asked him if he’d join half an hour ago. It just wasn’t his thing, and with Jens angling for an invite he realized it wouldn’t become his thing if there were more people he knew. 

“Eh no, I’m not going. Just here to help with the groceries.” Sander explained, earning a pout from Mia. But they both knew they had different interests, and their friendship worked because of that reason so Mia accepted that Sander wouldn’t be there, and turned back to face Jens. 

“But you’d wanna come?” she asked him. Her voice was hopeful, and Jens looked at her to try and imagine if a night with strangers would be a good idea. That’s when he remembered Robbe’s praise from the new year’s eve party, and the fact that most of Sander’s friends were actually pretty cool.

“Sure.”

“Okay, great. We start at 7.30. Let me add you on facebook and I’ll message you the adress.” Mia said, pulling up her phone. 

“Eh, yeah. Jens Stoffels, two f’s.” Jens spelled out, and shortly after he noticed the friend request on his own phone.

“Cool. I’m already gonna chose some cheeses then.” she said, reversing the cart and heading into the other aisle, leaving the two boys standing there. 

Sander had distracted himself by looking at the selection of pesto dips they had at the store, and when he realized Mia had left he looked around for a moment, before looking at Jens. 

“Sorry if that was like... not cool or something?” Jens said. 

Sander smiled and shook his head. “That’s just... a Mia thing to do” Sander said. Then he stepped in a bit closer, tilting his head. “I guess I just thought you’d be going to some showcase at the academy these days. You know, Noor’s school?” Sander asked. 

He wasn’t that curious about the relationship between Jens and Noor. In fact, from what Robbe had told him it wasn’t much of a relationship in general. But if Jens was going to invite himself to parties within Sander’s group of friends, he just felt like it was best if he know where things stood considering Jens’ reputation wasn’t one to keep things clean and simple when it came to mixing friends and benefits.

“Noor... Right.” Jens said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking down a bit awkwardly. “I mean... She’s chill and everything. But I don’t think it was anything more than a hookup.” Jens explained. 

It was weird that it was brought up now, because Jens hadn’t thought of it in at least a week so far.

“Does she know that?” Sander asked, and Jens shrugged his shoulder. But he realized Sander did have a point. After what Robbe had told him, it seemed like Noor was quick to jump to conclusions and while she hadn’t been extremely clingy like Robbe had warned him of, he knew that perhaps just setting the record straight was the best thing to do in cases like these. 

“I guess I could tekst her.” Jens mumbled, and Sander nodded with a smile. “You do that. And I’m gonna look for Mia because I bet she’s put that horrible smelly cheese in the cart. And eh, if you end up going tonight... don’t come unprepared.” Sander said. 

He then walked around the corner of the aisle and tracked down Mia, surprising her from behind while she was reading the description on the back of the cheese packaging, because sometimes they had recommendations of how to combine it with other foods written on the back of them. 

And as Jens observed the two friends, he couldn’t help but recognize the interaction as something familiar, a certain connection that he used to share but had lost since then.

He then reached out to his phone and first opened the messenger app where Mia had texted him her adress, then he typed Noor’s name in the searchbar. He hesitated for a moment, staring at the blank space because they had never actually messaged each other. And he considered it as a sign, before he returned back to his chats and scrolled down a bit, until he opened the one he was looking for. 

[Wanna hang out tomorrow after school? Or lunch?]

Jens looked up and grabbed the canned beans he was meant to get, and while he was waiting in line at the register his phone beeped. 

JANA: [I can do lunch. Youstillowe me forthose beers, soyourtreat?]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think i'd alternatively title this chapter "Jens Stoffels and the inquiry of how many potential love interests you can introduce for one seventeen year old guy."


	65. Tuesday - 04/02/2020 - 09.56

Yasmina was a bit of a perfectionist. There was no denying in that. And so when the bell had rang at the end of their biology class, she decided to approach the teacher to get a better understanding of the subject they had been working on the last hour. She was just fascinated by the subject, the probability of passing on certain traits through a genetic dominance such as eye color and hair color. And when she walked back to her desk with some more info, she was smiling. 

“You seem cheerful.” Robbe said from where he had just finished packing up his stuff. 

She then couldn’t help but notice the fact that Robbe had stayed by their desk until the very moment she walked back, and with her phone and bag on full display, she wondered if maybe he had stayed behind longer than he should have to keep an eye on her things. The fact was that it wouldn’t be the first time she had underestimated his kindness and willingness to help others. And he had actually been a lot more open about stuff, much less acting like the conflicted numb teenage boy she saw him as when the school year first started.

“Actually, you’ve been smiley a lot lately.” he then said, leaning against one of the desks when the realization hit him just how many times he had seen her smile whenever he passed her down the hall or saw her leave the school building as he was waiting to bike home with Jens.

He had never really cared much for the feelings of others before, usually too consumed with his own self-hatred and the issues at home to think about the fact that other teens probably didn’t have it easy either. Life could be hard, but he had learned to pay attention a bit more recently. Jens was stressed out, Moyo was particularly horny and Aaron was always in a good mood these days. And so was Yasmina. 

“Did you get any good news or something?” he asked. 

Yasmina frowned and looked up, finishing packing up her books and she started zig-zagging through the other rows of desks at the classroom. She did so quickly, trying to get away from the question but Robbe caught up to her by the door. “Huh?”

“No.” Yasmina said.

Robbe hummed. His suspicion was insistent. And he started to think back to what he knew about her personal life and if there was anything he missed. Her birthday? Nope, that wasn’t it. Anything related to the girl squad? Unlikely, unless he missed something. But that did remind him...

Yasmina cringed when she saw Robbe’s face morph into a grin, and she knew he probably wouldn’t relent unless she explained to him what was going on. She knew this only ended one way, and that was by telling him. And that made her regret showing her happiness so visably. She should know better right now than to imagine that people wouldn’t want to try to get involved. 

The thing was that Robbe was a good guy. She knew that. And besides the girls, she was probably the only person she’d actually consider a friend at the school. 

She found herself at a crossroads. On one hand she wanted to double down on the denial, to make sure that people would not try to get involved in stuff they shouldn’t get involved into. Not even her parents knew what was going on. And they too, much like Robbe now, had wondered about her changed expression as of late. 

“I think I already know.” Robbe then said, and Yasmina looked up in surprise. Surely he couldn’t... “You have-“

Yasmina quickly hushed him and made sure there was nobody else in the hallway. It was their 10AM break right now, their next class would be econ and as the biology teacher locked up the classroom, Yasmina looked back at Robbe, allowing him to speak. 

“Does it have anything to do with that lover back in Morocco that I heard you guys talk about last june?” Robbe said, pulling his backpack tighter on his shoulder and he held on to the strap of it as they started walking. 

Yasmina looked at him from the corner of her eye, and swallowed. “I’m not confirming or denying anything.” she said, attempting to maintain her pokerface as much as she could. 

“That’s pretty much a yes in my book.” Robbe said, “But that’s good. Love is a great thing. And if it’s causing you to be happy, then I'm sure it’s good. Don’t worry, I won’t ask any further questions.” he said. 

Yasmina sighed in relief.

And even without knowing it, Robbe just confirmed what Yasmina suspected of him. He wasn’t one of those annoying kids that always wanted to know everything about everyone. Not like the people who made gossip accounts on social media or Amber who basically did a survey after every party to see who had hooked up with who. 

She was off the hook, for now.

“Thanks. You’re.... You’re actually a good guy, Robbe” Yasmina said, now looking at him with a grateful smile. “Don’t tell anyone I said that, though.” she then quickly added.

“Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.” Robbe assured her with a smile on his face. 

The economy classroom was only one floor up, and when they got there they changed subjects as the rest of their classroom started to gather. Robbe munched on one of the cereal bars his mom kept putting out for him every morning, and Yasmina talked about a commercial she’d seen on tv the night before, which reminded her about summer nights spent in Morocco.

“Who is going to Morocco?” Luca asked as she joined the duo in the hallway. Robbe smiled and tilted his head to Yasmina. He recalled Luca being part of the conversation last year, so he saw no harm in that.

“Oh right! Your secret lover!” Luca then said, a bit too loud for Yasmina’s liking. Luckily Luca realized it herself, and she apologized which made Robbe roll his eyes because why was he sworn to secrecy but Luca could just yell it throughout the entire hallway. Then again, he noticed the people were looking at him, and he clicked his tongue at Luca. 

“Great, now everyone thinks you were talking about me.” Robbe sighed. Yasmina looked at him apologetically. They both knew people would jump to conclusions between the muslim girl and the gay boy. One was much more hot gossip than the other.

It’s not like he hadn’t noticed the whispers though. Every time Sander had showed up at the school – outside the building because he refused to set foot inside another high school on principle - people had been staring. His bad luck for having the hottest boyfriend in Antwerp, he thought at first. But then he soon realized people were really intrigued. They had somehow concluded Sander was the official new mysterious bad boy object of affection for all the other people at the school. Some had even gone as far as saying he could fill Senne’s shoes. Which was just so wrong in so many ways.

“Well if people are interested in Sander you could always tell them to ask Britt for his number?” Luca said with a grin on her face, and Robbe gave her a short glare in return. 

They were all aware of the tension there, but it wasn’t something that needed calling out. 

“Hey. What eh... what are you guys talking about?” Aaron asked as he joined them by the door to the economics classroom. 

“Secret lovers.” Luca smirked,

“Robbe’s.” Yasmina added. And wow, lovely, Robbe thought. Now he wasn’t just keeping her secret, he was actively being used as a distraction. 

“Did I miss something? I thought we all knew Sander already?” Aaron asked, his face totally confused to the point where Robbe took pity on him. And as the teacher arrived to open the door for them, Robbe put his hand on Aaron’s shoulder and told him he hadn’t missed anything. “People are just gossiping.” he explained. 

“About Sander?” Aaron asked to clarify. 

Robbe nodded at first, but then looked at Yasmina and Luca who were taking their seats while giggling and then he turned to Aaron again. “Well that and some stuff we discovered last year about Yasmina.” he said, just loud enough for the girls behind him to hear him. 

“No Robbe.” Yasmina cut in quickly, and Robbe turned around in his seat to give her a challenging smile. “He wasn’t even at the school last year.” Yasmina said.

“Come on.” Aaron said, now also turning to the rest of their economics team. “I swear I won’t tell anyone, whatever it is. I can tell this isn’t just about Sander. I swear I can keep a secret.” Aaron promised.

Robbe looked in between Aaron, Luca and Yasmina, the latter who had a stern look on her face and Robbe sighed. He knew things probably weren’t that serious, or otherwise Yasmina would have stopped them from talking about it by now. Yet he still knew what it felt like when people gossiped about this type of stuff, and it was simply unfair that his relationship was a widely acceptable topic. It didn’t mean that he had to take that out on other people. “Sorry Aaron, I promised not to say anything.”

“Alright everyone settle down.” their teacher then announced, and Yasmina sighed in relief Aaron and Robbe were seated on the first row, so there was only a very small chance that they would be gossiping right in front of the teacher’s nose. And Yasmina did trust Robbe to keep his secret. 

But what was more important, was the fact that Yasmina regretted there was a secret to begin with. She should never have commented on this when it came up last year. After all, she was well aware that her friends would never be able to understand the complexity of this whole situation. And she couldn’t try to explain to them.

She had seen how the girls handled the relationship issues in the past. And while she knew they’d be supportive of her, she also knew that they wouldn’t even begin to understand the internal struggle it caused for herself.

No matter how much she would fit in, and found herself surrounded by a group of friends who loved and respected her, she still had a different experience than them. And it was naive to think that a guy she liked would just be simple.

On top of that, several months had passed since they all met up at caffeenation and discussed their plans for the summer. And much like she had sworn then, she still vowed to now have any retake exams this year. And in order for that to work, she had to actually start paying attention in this class so that was what she was going to focus on right now.


	66. Wednesday - 05/02/2020 - 16.18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No need to miss the kids any longer, because they're back!

Zoë sighed deeply as she stood in front of her bed, two piles on it. Her clothing rack, socks, underwear, the itchy norwegian sweater her mom had sent her for Christmas, the strawberry scented candle and even one set of bedsheets. Keep. Donate. And there she stood, a blanket in her hands and what felt like the thoughest decision of the year thus far.

She had Marie Kondo’d the rest of her belongings with relative ease during a productive wednesday afternoon. But now she had been standing by her bed with the blanket for about seven full minutes. And it was getting ridiculous. 

But at the same time it wasn’t. And since she had been trying to look at the future more these last few days, it really didn’t seem like that much of a puzzling question as to what she should do with the blanket that Senne gifted her on their first date. But it was. It was complicated and it wasn’t something she could just thank for the memories. Not when she felt like there were way too many to even be thinking of in the one short moment she was supposed to have with them. 

In the end, her lack of a decision was a decision on its own and when she put it by the window with the promise of making a choice after she’d met with Jana, the reality was that the choice had already been made. 

And so she put on her coat and looked out of the window when Jana texted her she was downstairs, before she made it to the entryhall and eventually greeted Jana just outside the doors.

“Heey.” Zoë said cheerfully before taking a bite out of her apple. “Sorry I wasn’t ready. I have been cleaning out my closet all day and I barely had any lunch so...” Zoë said, gesturing to the piece of fruit in her hand. 

“No worries. I didn’t have any luck with the wind getting here by bike.”

“Yeah I know, the weather is really extreme.” Zoë said. Which perhaps made it a bit weird that they were now walking into a park that was covered in trees and where Zoë observed a section being closed off with railings because it had flooded due to the natural height difference of the area.

“Bench?” Jana suggested, and when they took a seat Jana sighed deeply.

Zoë smiled, because she knew Jana too well by now. Picking a bench at a park that looked more like a natural disaster site than a city oasis was something she did out of necessity rather than enjoyment of nature.

From where they were seated, Jana could spot the tramstop across the clearing and she tilted her head for a moment, then clicking her tongue. 

Zoë took a bite out of her apple and tried to figure out what was catching Jana’s attention. When she saw a young couple she realized, looking sideways to her friend and then she hooked her arm in hers, putting her head on her best friend’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Jana. We can just buy each other chocolates and roses for Valentine’s day.” Zoë smiled. “And if you really want to we can watch a cringey romcom on Netflix.”

Jana grinned, looking down at her friend. She hadn’t even thought about valentine’s day yet. But then again it made sense that Zoë did. And that she would play it off as something she’d do for Jana when she needed it herself just as much. “That’s a deal. But... That’s not really it though.” Jana said. 

She looked back at the couple who were all over each other despite the fact that earlier they probably saw each other at school.

“Were we like that? Jens and I? When we were still dating?” Jana asked. 

Truthfully she already knew the answer though. She remembered sneaking him into her room. Learning how to kiss with her braces. Him squeezing her hand as they walked through the school together on the first day of fourth year. They were inseparable.

And a year and a half later she was sitting on a bench, cringing when people did the exact same thing. There really was something to be said about perspective created over time. But the biggest shift occurred only yesterday. 

“You know Jens and I met up for lunch yesterday.” Jana said. 

Zoë raised her head from her friend’s shoulder, nodding. She had spent the majority of the lunch break at the table while Aaron and Amber fed each other grapes. In the end, Yasmina and herself had decided to rescue each other with a made up question about homework that they could absolutely not discuss right there at the table. 

“Did something happen or.....?” 

Jana looked up when she heard the suggestive tone of Zoë’s question, and she shook her head right away. “No no. Nothing like you’re thinking right now.” 

Zoë held out her hands in defense. “Not thinking anything. Promise.”

Jana sighed and then turned more towards her friend, frowning deeply. “Yeah but see... That’s the thing. That’s what I’ve been thinking about all day. Do people really think something is gonna happen between me and Jens?” Jana asked. 

The question she had asked herself was if she would stop it if it were to happen. And in the last 24 hours she had come to the conclusion that the answer was yes. She would put a stop to it before it began. 

“I don’t know. I think.... I think people who know how the two of you started out as friends might see that as a possibility, I guess?” Zoë said. She made sure to make it clear that she really had no idea how to answer the question. She didn’t spent her time thinking about the probability of Jana and Jens hooking up. 

No actually, that wasn’t entirely true either. Because as Jana comforted her in Jens’ room two weeks ago, Jana did suggestively smile when she said she preferred Jens’ mattress over her own at home and the next day Zoë had wondered what that was all about.

“I’ve been thinking and... I feel like we’re too close.” Jana said. She was looking at the same couple that was still standing by the tramstop. Their tram had probably passed by twice so far, and they just didn’t wanna let go of each other. 

“I mean... We’re more than just people who are part of the same group of friends. We have lunch. And people tell me about this thing he has with Noor as if I’m somehow a party involved. But I don’t wanna be. I don’t wanna be involved in his lovelife.”

Zoë nodded, raising a thumb. “So don’t be?”

“Yeah... I mean that’s what we promised back when we broke up. After the break-up sex we promised each other to just not do the whole ex-thing and go back to being friends.”

“Well...” Zoë said, catching Jana’s attention. She frowned, and then rolled her eyes. She knew what Zoë was talking about. 

“Yes yes, I know. The whole thing with Luka kind of messed that up for a while. But I really thought that after that, this friendship we’re having right now.... I thought it was working. I thought it was good.” Jana said. Zoë could spot the sadness on her friend’s face at coming to that conclusion. 

The last thing Jana had wanted was to realize that her friendship with Jens would always be overshadowed by their romantic past. But after leaving the café yesterday afternoon, it had been eating away at her that that was what had been happening. 

“That was why you wanted to throw him that party, then?” Zoë asked. And Jana nodded. Then, she shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea anymore.” she then said.

Zoë sighed and wrapped her arm around her friend. “Well it seems like he’s not moving anywhere in the near future so you don’t really have a reason to either.” she said, making circles with her hand. “But... what about our birthday party?” Zoë asked. 

Jana looked up and the realization hit that it would be impossible not to invite him since everyone was going to be there. 

“Eh... Well... Maybe you should do the invites. That way it will look less like I want him there.”

Zoë chuckled and shook her head. “Jana... He is our friend. Even if he’s your ex, when you guys decided to stay friends and brought our friend groups together to the point of all of us playing paintball last fall, I think you kind of gave up on the distance you now seem to be wanting.”

Zoë took Jana’s hand in order to get her to look at her. “You can’t just cut him out, Jana. You can have a conversation about this with him. You can tell him you need some space within your friendship. But he deserves that much. A conversation, about all this that you’re feeling right now.”

Jana sighed deeply. She knew Zoë was right. And she also knew that she might wake up in a week and regret having mentioned it. But right now she knew that she had to figure it out.

“Is that how you did things with Senne?” Jana asked, when the thought came into her head. She regretted it instantly, biting her lip harshly. “Sorry, I...”

Jana had been cautious for the last few weeks to not mention Senne or the break-up, and Zoë had been thankful for that.

“No it’s okay.” Zoë said, shaking her head. She smiled, looking back over her shoulder. ”I, eh... Earlier I was doing the whole Marie Kondo thing with my entire room and I was holding his blanket and I couldn’t make a decision.” Zoë said. She wanted to show Jana that it wasn’t like Senne wasn’t on her mind. Especially not lately, with all the valentine’s day adds for next week. 

There wasn’t a day since they had broken up that she hadn’t thought about him. At night, when she cuddled up into her pillows instead of him. Walking down the street, where she could still sense the ghost of his fingers intertwined with hers. Even just regularly cooking a salad brought back the memory of her covering her eyes from behind her and telling her he finished class early so he came to help her cook.

“When I told Senne things were too much... It was because they were. I asked him for space. And he moved out two days later. I communicated to him and it was clear to both of us what had to happen in order for me to feel like I could manage. Even if that meant managing without him.”

Zoë sniffled, and blinked her eyes a few times. She hadn’t planned to open up about this right now. In fact, when Jana texted her earlier to meet up, it was clear that Jana was the one who needed to get something off her chest. Which she had done. And now Zoë felt the same way. 

“The one thing we agreed on was that we weren’t going to speak to each other. And I honestly thought we would be okay with that. But the next morning he was just... He seemed so broken. He didn’t say a word to me when he came to pick up his stuff and I could see he was closing himself off again and there was nothing I could do to call him out on it. Because I was the one who told him I wanted space.”

“Zoë,” Jana cut in, pursing her lips questioningly. “You’ve always said you guys broke up. Wh.. Why does this story not sound like the break-up we all thought had occurred?”

“Because it was easier to pretend like things were that simple.” Zoë sighed. She let out a frustrated groan, and looked up. “Because people had been betting against us since the very beginning. And so when I let myself fall apart, it was easy to pretend like it was because of him. But he... he didn’t do anything wrong, Jana. I was the one who made the decision. I was the one who pulled the plug on us. He only gave me what I asked for.”

Zoë covered her face and Jana pulled her in close because she hated seeing her best friend cry. And it was even less ideal that it was happening in public. 

“Do you regret it then? Do you regret asking him to go?” Jana asked. 

Zoë looked up and bit her lip, a little angel and a little devil appearing on both of her shoulders. Her feelings for Senne, and her pride in trying to get through this break-up with as little long-term damage as possible. 

“No, I don’t regret it. I... Maybe I regret that I projected my feelings about the trial onto him. Because I do know he was only trying to help. But the part of us not being together was just... I don’t know, it was the right thing to do for both of us. I have to believe that it was. Some space.”

And Jana smiled briefly, without Zoë noticing, because for the first time in weeks Zoë had been able to speak from her heart about what she was feeling and it made everything much more clear to Jana. 

“Okay. Well, it’s your decision and whatever you do I will support.”

“Same.” Zoë nodded, wiping her tears and giving a bit of a fragile smile. 

Then a loud snap appeared from behind them, and a cluster of branches broke off from one of the trees, causing both girls to freeze up terrified. 

“Holy crap. Okay I think we should go back to your apartment before a tree falls on top of us.” 

“Yeah, good idea.” Zoë agreed, before they speedwalked out of the park


	67. Thursday - 06/02/2020 - 21.43

“You know it’s such horrible weather out there, maybe you should just stay here for another night.” Milan said. He bit his lip and then looked outside, where the rain was pouring. When he looked back, Jonathan gave him the most endearing look that simply made Milan melt. He was just about desperate enough to use the weather as an excuse to spend more time with his… boyfriend?

“I want to. But I have an early class tomorrow.” Jonathan said, before he pressed a soft kiss to Milan’s lips. “But thanks for dinner. It was really delicious. You can give my compliments to your roommate...” 

And for a moment Milan wanted to pretend to be offended at the suggestion that he had Zoë make dinner for them. But then he knew it was ridiculous to pretend it was all his own doing. He could just about boil an egg and heat up a microwave meal. But when he had told Zoë of his plans for tonight with Jonathan, he had thanked the heavens that Zoë offered to cook for them.

“I did help with the nacho dip.” Milan said, speaking softly against Jonathan’s lips before they met for another kiss. Truthfully Milan had no shame of using physical contact to make his boyfriend stay either. Whichever one would work. And the two of them, their bodies together, that worked really really well.

Jonathan smiled, fully aware of Milan’s efforts and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted. But they also knew there was a storm coming, and he’d rather not end up in the middle of it. So he put his hand on the side of Milan’s face, and gave him the questioning look if he was ready to let him go now. 

“Hey eh...” Milan cleared his throat and took Jonathan’s hand in his for a moment. He wasn’t ready yet. He needed to know one thing. And so his expression became the rare sight of vulnerability. “We’re.... we’re official, right?” Milan asked. “I mean... we’re together, yes?”

He didn’t know why he was such a nervous mess about this. He had this conversation with other guys in the past. It made sense to discuss it since they had been making out on a daily basis for 10 days in a row now... Except this hadn’t just been about the kissing and the sex. Somehow Milan had found himself already discussing his family with him, and Jonathan was fully aware of the chaos in the flatshare which Milan usually did not expose anyone to until at least the third date. But then again they didn’t really date either. 

And just as Milan came to the realization that he was falling for this guy, hard, he heard a reassuring voice. “Of course we are. We’re exclusive too. No worries.” Jonathan said. He then kissed Milan’s hand and got up, promising him they’d talk later tonight before he walked down the hall. 

And Milan took a deep breath, because seemingly his insecurities had not come across, or Jonathan chose not to let it show that he knew Milan was insecure. Whichever one it was, until Milan had wrapped his head around how he was feeling this way this fast, it was the best option.

“Jonathan?” Milan asked, quickly catching up to his boyfriend already by the door. Jonathan didn’t have the chance to look up or anticipate the way Milan crashed into him. He just needed one more. “Kiss me.”

“Gladly.” Jonathan smirked, before giving Milan one last goodbye kiss. “I’ll text you.”

“Okay.” Milan nodded. “Byee.”

“Byee.” Jonathan said. 

And then the door closed, and Milan sighed deeply. Milan Hendrickx, what the hell has gotten into you, he asked himself. He put his hand to his head, trying to figure out what was going on with the emotions that he was currently feeling and when he walked back into the kitchen he sat down with a mildly confused look on his face. 

Then the door to Zoë’s room opened, and Milan looked up to see her check if anyone else was in the apartment, causing Milan to smile. “No, he just left. You can come out of your room now...” 

Zoë did a dramatic sigh in relief, and Milan rolled his eyes. As if he did not spent months living across the hall from Zoë and Senne.

“For a moment there I thought he wouldn’t end up leaving after all.” Zoë said as she walked from her room into the kitchen. She immediately filled up a glass of water, and took a few sips while eyeing Milan cautiously. 

“Trust me, that would have been my preference too.” Milan said, before he reached out his hand and Zoë handed her glass over.

Zoë looked out of the window as the contents of her glass disappeared, but she didn’t mind. She then looked back at Milan and took a seat at the table.

“I’ve almost lived here for a year now and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this enamored with someone. So tell me, what’s up with you two?”

Milan looked at her and giggled. “He is just so great Zoë. So so great.” he exclaimed. There was no point in trying to pretend otherwise. Zoë clearly knew, and Lisa had also asked why Jonathan was around much more than his usual hookups. Which was true, and it had made Milan realize Jonathan was the farest thing from a casual hookup he had experienced recently. 

“So you really like him?” Zoë asked, as if that was still necessary. Milan nodded back. Then, his smile faded a little, and he got all serious. 

“I just have no idea how to tell him that. I mean... Just now, I... He...” Milan blew out some air. “He is just so great. And I feel like if I tell him how I feel, it might be too early and he will reconsider. And honestly, Zoë, I need a win. After seeing the cuteness between Robbe and Sander and you and Senne. I just need to believe that I can have someone too.” Milan said. 

Zoë sighed and reached across the table, putting her hand on his. “You can, Milan. If you want to, I’m sure you can have a great love. And if that’s Jonathan then I’m happy for you. But... You don’t need to mirror your relationship to anyone else’s. I mean, Senne and I are not together and Robbe and Sander aren’t the gold standard either. When it comes to your relationship, you have to do what feels right for you. Social convention is not much more than a guideline.”

“Right.” Milan said, nodding. “Yeah I mean, when have gay men ever listened to anyone’s dictation of what’s the proper timetable for stuff, right.” Milan chuckled. 

“Right.” Zoë echoed. She smiled and then refilled the glass of water, while also pouring a second one.

Milan watched her, and then looked at the dishes that had piled up, mainly because he had chased Zoë out of the kitchen before she was able to get around to them. And by her rolling up her sleeves, he could tell she was about to tackle that at 21.56 on a Thursday night. Except not on his watch. 

“I will take care of the dishes, don’t worry.” Milan said. 

This caused Zoë to look over her shoulder with a frown. “Milan, your way of taking care of the dishes is throwing all of these in the garbage can and buying new ones.” Zoë joked. So Milan got up and shook his head, grabbing Zoë’s hands away from the sink and then pulling her in for a hug. “No, this one is on me Zoë. Don’t worry, you’ve already done enough. For which I wanna say thank you.”

“Okay.” Zoë said hesitantly. “If you insist. But my favorite coffee mug is also in there so you better not break it or anything.” she then warned. 

“Scouts honor.” Milan said, before shrugging. “Not that I ever was a scout.”

“Okay Milan... Goodnight Milan.” Zoë said, before she let go of him and walked back out of the kitchen.

Milan smiled and then turned back to the sink, which had morphed into the goliath to his david, and Milan scratched the top of his head. “Okay Now where would a person who likes to clean keep their dishsoap?”

The obvious answer was under the sink, and thirty minutes later Milan found himself happy enough with the dishes drying on the drying rack while he dried his hands and then switched off the light in the kitchen. 

He grabbed his phone and blindly moved through the rest of the flatshare, switching off more of the lights until he was in the amber embrace of his own bedroom, and he allowed himself to crash onto his bed rather dramatically, seeing there was no message from Jonathan yet. 

Zoë’s words then echoed through his head, and Milan bit his lip as he texted Jonathan first, a rare occurrence as Milan prouded himself in being someone who was somewhat unapproachable. 

The only exception to that was his duty as a gay guru, and when he saw the new text float into his homescreen he immediately turned on his back so he could carefully read the text Robbe had sent. And then he had to do a second read. 

[Do you have any recommendations for porn in terms of the stuff we talked about a while back?]

Milan then smiled and typed his reply. 

[Robbe, you -] But then the second tekst came in, and Milan paused. 

[I want to send some to Sander. I figured I should include some of that too. So it’s more subtle?]

Milan laughed because of Robbe’s Davinci Code approach to all of this, and he couldn’t help but realize that he was once this young and innocent himself too. Which reminded him that he should really change his sheets...

[Robbe, it’s just porn. He shouldn’t need a psychology degree to find out what you wanna do in bed. The search function on pornhub is pretty effective. Enjoy, baby gay. Goodnight]

Milan knew he wasn’t the most helpful just now, as he put his phone away and got changed for bed. He told himself he was doing it for the good of their relationship. Because what Robbe needed was guidance, but actually expressing his desires was something he had to do all by himself. And Milan could not write that speech for Robbe to copy and paste.

And so far, he knew, Robbe had managed just fine. Milan’s gay protégé was now building up some courage and coming into his own, and Milan realized it had acted as some sort of inspiration for himself. And as Jonathan’s reply finally came in the form of a new text, Milan smiled brightly. 

MILAN: [Did you make it home without getting soaked?]

JONAHTHAN: [I was 200m from my doorstep when the rain started. Wish you were here to cuddle me warm.]

MILAN: [I miss you.]

JONATHAN: [Me too. I think I might draw you in class tomorrow.]

Milan beamed. He had officially made it as someone’s muze. Take that, baby gay, he thought.

MILAN: [Send me a picture when you do.]

JONAHTHAN: [I have a picture for you...]

And yeah. Milan was pretty much convinced he had won the jackpot then and there.


	68. Friday - 07/02/2020 - 16.10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the boy squad in this chapter. But don't worry, there's no mentions of toothpaste in this conversation...

Jens opened up the garage and put his own bike in the designated spot. “Just put them against the wall.” he told the other guys as they all filed into the garage to hide from the rain. At this point it was just a drizzle, and they had been lucky considering it was pouring when the bell rang to indicate the end of the day at school. The weather gods seemingly wanted to spare them.

“Fuck, mine won’t stand on it’s own though.” Aaron said, indicating his broken peck. 

“Then put it against the wall.” Jens said, pointing at the other side of the garage. He then opened the door into the hallway, and looked up when the light wasn’t on as it usually was when someone was home.

“Lies?” he yelled out to the upstairs. In the meantime he hung his coat up by the front door. He then walked halfway up the stairs to check and see if there was anyone home but he didn’t see any lights on upstairs either.

“I thought you said your sister would be home?” Robbe asked as he took off his shoes by leaning one arm to the wall. Jens nodded, the frown still on his face. That was supposed to be the plan. But then he smiled, because without his sister home they would not have to be quiet or age-appropriate.

“She must have gone to a friend’s house I guess.” he said, gesturing for the boys to continue on into the living room.

“And you’re sure your parents won’t be home until dinner?” Moyo asked as he kicked off his muddy shoes. He was already dreading going back out there at some point later tonight, but at least now they could still enjoy the beers they got without getting soaked at the park.

“Nope, they’re at my grandma’s to help her with the roof or something. Preparing for the storm.” Jens said, before switching on the tv screen. 

Robbe wasted no time walking over to the couch and making himself comfortable in the corner seat, which could be considered his designated spot at this point. Moyo and Aaron joined in, with Moyo putting the sixpack of beer on the coffee table in front of the couch, handing one over to each of them. 

“Jens, do you want a beer or do you have something else?” Moyo asked in the general direction of the kitchen where Jens had disappeared into. The beer they had gotten wasn’t the very best, but they had to hurry at the cornerstore as the rain could increase at any moment. And as Moyo had been tasked with getting the beer, he was told they ran out of jupiler’s so he grabbed the next alternative that wasn’t too expensive.

“I’m good.” Jens said, as he walked back with a bottle of jupiler and some snacks for them. 

“Dude, you got more jupilers?” Moyo asked, and Jens shook his head. He couldn’t afford touching his father’s supply much more than he already had. “But more for you guys.” Jens said, indicating the beers on the table. 

“I’m not that picky.” Aaron said as he opened his and took a few sips, paying no mind to the fact that it was an alternative brand.

“Yeah, that was already established Aaron.” Jens then replied jokingly, and Robbe and Moyo laughed along, with even Aaron letting out a little chuckle. After all there was some truth to it applying to several aspects of his life, not just his preference of beer.

Jens then took a seat in his dad’s armchair and he let out a relaxing sigh. He knew he made the right call to invite the boys over. It had been a while since they last just hung out like this, when it wasn’t for the vlogs or their usual hangouts by the skatepark on Fridays after school. This was chill, and a welcome change from the usual tension that was present in his family’s living room, with his parents having wordless conversations when they thought he wasn’t paying attention and all that stuff. At least for the next 2 hours, when his parents were expected to come back home for dinner, they could just chill. And when the time came, he would just tell the boys it was time to get going, and he hoped for their sake that the rain would take mercy on them as it had on the drive over here.

“You know, up until earlier I didn’t know you had sisters.” Aaron said a bit point blank, looking at a family picture that was on the sidetable next to where he was sitting. He then looked at Jens, as he took a sip of the beer. 

Jens frowned and grabbed some of the snacks, then looking at Robbe and Moyo who both nonverbally made it clear that they did know. “Eh yeah. Lotte and Lies.” Jens said, frowning. “How did you not know that?” Jens wondered. Sure, he had been cautious enough to put the family pictures and valuable stuff away when he hosted his birthday party at the house. But it wasn’t like he had not mentioned it before. Right?

“Neither of you ever mention them. I don’t know Moyo’s siblings either.” Aaron said, shrugging. “I don’t know, I guess me and my sister are pretty close so I mention her every now and then but you’ve never mentioned your sisters, bro.” Aaron said, looking at Jens.

Jens rolled his eyes and leaned forward in the chair. “That’s because they’re 12 and 8, Aaron. I don’t really have much in common with them.” Jens explained. He looked at Robbe and Moyo to check if he was the only one who thought this was a weird subject. 

“And just because you have a thing with your sister doesn’t mean that‘s normal either. You’re a bit too close if you ask me.” Moyo said, followed by a grin, looking at Robbe to back him up on the joke but he didn’t seem to be in on it, scrolling through his phone instead.

Aaron just shook his head, putting the bottle down and looking at the other guys. He chose to ignore Moyo’s comment about his sister, but he didn’t want to relent on Jens’ explanation that it was weird he didn’t know. Because in reality, Aaron had learned that there was a lot of stuff he simply didn’t follow along with. And that was despite the fact that his girlfriend was somewhat of the school’s social monitor.

“Yeah but earlier this week it was the same with Yasmina and some secret everyone seems to know about.” Aaron said, his frustration now slipping into his voice and his expression got a bit harsher. “And it kinda sucks that there’s stuff that I can’t follow with. Even with what Amber has told me.” he said. 

The other boys exchanged a look and Robbe looked up from his phone too, noticing the change of voice in Aaron. When it became obvious that Moyo and Jens were both too uncomfortable to say anything, Robbe leaned forward from his seat. 

“Aaron, the Yasmina stuff is literally no big deal. Jens and Moyo have no clue about that either. And as far as the rest goes.... We don’t need to give each other our entire life history in order to be friends, right?”

“Yeah. We’re broers…” Moyo cut in.

Robbe sighed and shifted in his seat again, leaning his elbows on his legs. “I mean... I get it though. I get it can be hard when you can’t follow along with the conversation cause you’re missing a piece of the puzzle. I’ve felt that way every time you guys would talk about girls and boobs and stuff like that. And it sucks, I know that.” Robbe said, before giving Jens and Moyo each a look. “But it’s not the end of the world, either. Like Moyo just said… We’re broers. So let’s just drink some beers, okay?” he said, lifting his beer back in his hand. 

“Yeah you’re not less of our friend just because you may not know everything. I’ve known this guy for over a decade and sometimes I feel like I know too much.” Jens said, poking his best friend who just rolled his eyes in annoyance. Somehow the universe just liked to pull this prank on him.

“We weren’t going the speak about the tent thing again, Jens...” Robbe said, in a half-serious warning tone.

“What tent thing?” Moyo then grinned, and the boys all started laughing, while Robbe hid his blushing face which only encouraged Moyo more and which only caused Robbe to warn Jens that if he told either of them their friendship would be over.

Of course it was all just banter, and as Aaron observed, he realized they were genuine in the fact that they didn’t purposefully try to make him feel left out. And he also knew that it was perhaps equally as much up to him to rise above the awkwardness he seemed to bring into each conversation. But it wasn’t like he did that on purpose either. Still, as he leaned back and took another sip from his beer he couldn’t help but feel better about having brought it up.

It quickly became clear that the story wasn’t going to be revealed tonight, and so Moyo gave up on his quest to find out in exchange for another beer and he then turned to Jens, clearly a bit more buzzed than half an hour ago as he squinted his eyes at his friends. “Okay. If we’re not getting that story then I wanna know…. what is the deal with you and Noor exactly, dude. Cause like, people at school are talking and I’m almost on the verge of going for Robbe’s sloppy seconds but if you’ve already done her then...”

“Okay okay okay...” Jens said, cutting Moyo off and shaking his head. “Setting the record straight.” 

“Ahum.” Robbe cleared his throat, and Jens gave him an unamused look. 

“Anyways... Noor and I are just casual. Like... we hooked up at my birthday, yes. But there’s nothing there otherwise.”

“So you didn’t score?” Moyo asked surprised. 

“I didn’t score.” Jens confirmed, seemingly a bit reluctant to admit it. But it did cause from gasps and exclaims from the other boys, and Robbe gave Jens a small squeeze in his shoulder to assure him that his fragile male ego would recover from the trauma.

“Yes yes, whatever.” Jens said, emptying the beer in the bottle. The last thing he needed was to be reminded of how conflicting the relationship area of his life was like these days. In an effort to numb that itching in his stomach when he thought about it, he reached for one of the beers on the coffee table. But as he did, Moyo leaned forward in protest. “Hey hey.”

“What?” Jens frowned, and Moyo shook his head. “No way. You got the good stuff here at home. These are ours now.”

Jens groaned, but Robbe and Aaron agreed that it was only fair, and if Jens wanted another beer he would have to provide for himself. That way, the sixpack could be divided equally between the other boys. 

“Yeah but then I have to refill my dad’s supply and he might notice before I’m able to do so.”

“Don’t you have anything in your garage?” Robbe asked, and Jens shook his head. He had already checked on that when they arrived at his house, and the only beer they had stored in the garage was a brand new set of 24 which his dad would certainly notice if one was missing. 

“Fuck.” Jens sighed, while Robbe looked at his best friend a bit amused.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the couch, Aaron leaned in to Moyo. “Hey eh.... I heard you crashed at Robbe’s last week? Why didn’t you text me, you know I live 3 streets away from you.” Aaron said.

Moyo looked up and laughed nervously. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Come on Moyo...” Aaron said, but Moyo’s face turned all serious and he just shook his head. 

“None of your business man.” Moyo replied. He then got up and walked in the direction of the hallway, and when Jens looked up Moyo said he was just going to the bathroom. Jens frowned and looked over at Aaron, who just shrugged and then one of the phones on the table beeped. 

Robbe picked up his phone and smiled when he saw Sander’s text, but then he cursed under his breath right away as he read what it said.

Sander: [Are you home? I’m on my way over ;) ]

Robbe looked at Jens and then an idea formed that could solve both the fact that Robbe wanted to spend time with his boyfriend, and the fact that they were running out of beer. 

“Jens... Sander is on his way to mine. If you want, I can tell him to pick up beer and meet us here?” he suggested. 

“Yeah, Sander to the rescue!” Aaron chimed.

Jens looked at Robbe and hesitated for a moment, checking the clock and knowing they only had a limited amount of time until his parents came home. If they brought in more beers, then the guys would be here for a while longer and that meant at best they were out of the driveway when his parents came home but at worst they were shitfaced on his couch on a Friday evening. 

“Jens?” Robbe asked questioningly when his best friend hadn’t replied yet, and when he saw the hesitation, Robbe himself checked the clock. He knew himself that Jens’ parents were pretty forgiving, but he also knew sometimes family stress just had the worst timing. “We’ll be out before 7, promised.” Robbe offered, in an attempt to give him some security. He could easily drag Sander back to his place if it came down to it. He couldn’t say the same thing for Moyo and Aaron though, but it was half of the problem eliminated.

Jens sighed and eventually agreed. He nodded and Robbe typed in the suggestion.

Robbe: [I’m at Jens. But if you can grab some beer then you could join us?]

Sander: [I’ll be there in 10.]

“Solved.” Robbe smiled proudly. 

In that moment Moyo walked back in. “You know, I have been thinking.... I do feel sorry for all the girls named Ciara this weekend though.”

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked, and the other guys looked at him, equally confused.

“Well this whole storm. Storm Ciara. Not good publicity for them.” Moyo explained as he took his seat on the couch again.

“As if you wouldn’t fuck a girl just because her name is Ciara...” Jens replied, leaning back in the chair and giving Moyo a challenging look. 

“Okay yeah, that’s also true.” Moyo realized.

“Sander’s on his way with more beer.” Robbe then announced, and Moyo cheered. 

“Jack frost! Lifesaver!” He said excitingly. “But also, is that boy immune to the weather or something?” Moyo asked, looking outside to where it was pouring down hard.

“What can I say...” Robbe grinned while shrugging his shoulders. He then emptied his own beer with the prospect of more to come.

“Seriously, he can get both boys and girls on their knees for him.” Aaron gasped, and Jens gave Robbe a fistbump but Robbe quickly felt the uncomfortable feeling setting in. 

“No eh... no it’s not like that with us.” he felt the need to clarify. “With girls I just... I could pretend to a certain extend. But Sander... Sander has this aura that you just can’t help but be enchanted by. I don’t know. It’s... it’s weird. I would bike in the rain just to see him too. No joke.” Robbe admitted. 

“And that’s how you both end up with pneumonia.” Jens laughed, and Moyo took Robbe’s beer from him, it was empty anyways. “No more beer for you my man. You get all emotional when you’re drunk these days.”

“I’m not drunk.” Robbe said in his own defense. He liked to think he had could handle a bit more than just 2 off-brand beers.

Truthfully, Robbe was perhaps a bit buzzed though. But in a good way. And they all were. Laughing and joking around. Eventually Moyo and Aaron started a game of Mario Kart and a best of three turned in a best of five, resulting in a best of nine due to Moyo’s desperation to win from Aaron, but after 9 rounds Aaron still maintained his 5-4 win and he cheered victoriously. 

When the doorbell rang, the boy’s cheers almost drowned it out, but Jens recognized the sound in the background and got Robbe’s attention. He gestured to the door, and Robbe looked up before he quickly moved off of the couch and into the hallway. 

As soon as he opened the door he smiled, and he immediately hurried to get Sander out of the rain, taking the beers and putting them down on the floor, before moving to help Sander get the jacket off of his shoulders. 

“It’s fucking freezing and pouring out there, you know that?” Sander said, his teeth even clattering for a moment, and Robbe felt like he was just punched in the gut because Sander gave him that pleading look that just begged him to make him feel better.

“Yeah, I know. The boys were joking about it earlier but maybe you should’ve just stayed at my place. I don’t know what I was thinking” Robbe said with a guilty look, hanging Sander’s coat up so it could dry. His hands were moving swiftly and efficiently, pulling the beanie from Sander’s head next and ruffling through his hair for a bit.

“It’s okay. I agreed to come here.” Sander said, assuring Robbe that he was not to feel guilty for this. “But can I put on your sweater? Maybe this one can dry a bit.” Sander said. He pinched the sweater in between his index finger and his thumb, separating it from the shirt he wore underneath it and demonstrating just how soaked he was. 

Robbe nodded immediately, instructing Sander to raise his arms and he got rid of most of the layers that were wet, before he took off his own sweater and handed it to Sander. Then he turned around and put the clothes on the radiator in the hallway to dry, although he wasn’t sure how effective that would actually be. Ideally he would just put them in the dryer or even blowdry them, but he didn’t want to ask too much from Jens so this would have to do for now. 

“Thanks.” Sander said, and he pulled at Robbe’s hand to turn around so he could fall into the warm embrace of his boyfriend, and Robbe smiled over Sander’s shoulder, trying to offer him as much warmth as he had to give. 

“Hey, are you guys making out over there or what?” Moyo yelled from the living room, and Robbe groaned as he let go of Sander again, who seemed a bit reluctant to do so. 

“Don’t worry. You brought the beer, so they just need to shut up.” Robbe said. He then took Sander’s hand and picked up the beers, before walking back into the living room. 

“Ah there he is! Our hero!” Aaron cheered, and he grabbed the beers as soon as Robbe put them down on the cofee table. 

“Frosty boy!” Moyo said, giving Sander a welcoming handshake while Robbe grabbed some snacks in his hand and took a seat on the couch once again.

“Is that Robbe’s?” Jens frowned, looking at the clothes Sander was wearing and Robbe nodded before telling Jens that he put the wet clothes on the heating in the hallway. 

“Is that okay?” he asked, and Sander froze for a bit from where he stood uncomfortably in between the coffeetable and the couch. Was he expecting Jens to say no? Not really. But he knew Jens might have another preference and Sander simply didn’t want to be a bother to anyone. 

“No, no it’s fine.” Jens assured.

“Come sit.” Robbe said as he moved one of the pillows out of the way. Sander sat down on the couch, Robbe sitting too his right and Sander put his hand on Robbe’s leg that was touching his, trying to get as much touch as possible.

Jens then got a text and he read it twice to be sure before he turned his phone to the boys. “My parents are having dinner in the city and are picking Lies up at 8. So we’re good for a little longer. Everything’s chill.”

“Oh thank fucking god. I did not want to go out there again right away.” Sander said.

Robbe smiled pityfull and moved some more of Sander’s wild hair out of his face, before pulling him in closer. Sander leaned in to the touch, and balanced the fine line between being socially appropriate and at the same time using as much of Robbe’s bodyheat to warm himself up. 

“So shall we order pizza then?” Jens suggested, much to the agreement of the boys. They all started considering their orders, with Aaron chosing Bolognese and Moyo opting for a barbecue one. Robbe first texted his mom that he wouldn’t be home for dinner, and Sander looked at Jens with a curious look.

“I’m assuming you’re going for quatro fromaggi then, after you got more experiences with different cheeses from that evening at Mia’s?” Sander said.

“Huh?” Robbe asked, putting his phone away. “Your Mia?” he asked his boyfriend. 

Sander nodded and leaned onto Robbe’s shoulder. “Yeah. Mia and I ran into Jens at the supermarket and she invited him to her wine and cheese evening.” Sander said, while grinning at Jens who all of the sudden felt all the boys looking at him in shock.

“Ooooh. A college chick? Jens, seriously man where the hell are you getting your juice because I need me some of that.”

“I don’t know if he actually went though, Mia hasn’t mentioned it.” Sander clarified, before looking at Jens who was getting up from the couch and walked over to the kitchen to get the flyer of the local pizzeria in an attempt to hide his face from the other guys.

“Jens?” Robbe asked, fully aware that he was trying to ignore them now. “Jens Stoffels, answer the question you idiot.” Robbe said, laughing. 

Sander and Aaron were also laughing, and Moyo tapped on Sander’s shoulder. 

“Her name is Mia? Is she single?”


	69. Saturday - 08/02/2020 - 14.59

Amber’s parents had been in marriage counceling since she was 12. And when she was 14, her parents took her with them for a session because it was part of the topic they were working on that specific day. The thing that binded them together. Their daughter.

She didn’t remember much of the session though, except for the therapist, a woman called Vera. Her hair was blonde once, but she had seemingly stopped covering up the grey in the most recent months. Her accent wasn’t from Antwerp, probably Waaslands or Gents instead. She wore a dark blue knee-length dress an a lighter shade blue cardigan. Amber recalled the gold handles of the door to her office, probably designed in art deco style. But for the life of her, she did not recall anything that was said during the rest of the session. 

It was all a blur. She remembered the tension in the room. And she remembered on the way back home her parents bought her icecream to cheer her up. And just like that, it was like nothing had happened. 

Amber closed the freezer door again after she’d put away the pistache icecream her mom liked to eat during her worst hangovers and then continued unloading the grocery bag from the kitchen table. She put the bread, charcuterie, one pack of meatballs, one pack of italian sausage, seven apples, three bananas, 5 carrots, one box of butterfly pasta, one bottle of olive oil and two bottles of milk into their designated spots. 

When she checked the clock she saw it was six minutes past three, and she quickly grabbed the meds and jogged up the stairs, until she made it to the first floor and she opened the door to the first bedroom on the left. 

“Mama? It’s 3PM...” Amber announced, and the movement in the bed confirmed she had been heard so she wouldn’t repeat herself. She knew that only made her more mad. She then pressed one pill out of each strip onto the nightstand. “The pills are on the nightstand. I’m making pasta tonight. Do you want a lot or just a little?” she asked. 

She knew asking about it was a risk. Her mom typically hated too many questions. It gave her a headache. So Amber had learned to space out the questions she asked. She waited a minute. Then another one, for good measure. “Dad is in a good mood today. Maybe he will join us for dinner?” she asked, optimisically, before she bit her lip.

A groan came from the bed. That was pretty much the usual reaction Amber got whenever she mentioned her dad. “I’ll probably be hungry, so let’s do a bit portion. What wine did you get?”

Fuck. Amber cursed under her breath. She was standing right in front of the wines at the supermarket when Aaron texted her, and then she got distracted and she forgot to put the two bottles into her cart. 

“Montagne St-Emilion.” Amber lied.

An approving hum came from the bed. Amber looked at the clock on the nightstand. It usually took a good few minutes until her mom became fully responsive. But she couldn’t stay that long, because she would have to get back to the store. 

“Dinner will be ready by 6, as usual.” she promised. She then walked to the door, and closed it almost all the way, just peaking through the opening to see her mom raise her head from the sheets and put the two pills on her tongue, swallowing them with some water, the first non-alcoholic liquid on her lips in the last 18 hours. And probably also the last. 

She then closed the door and walked down the stairs again, into her dad’s study where he was comparing two papers, holding them up in the air in front of him. He didn’t see his daughter until he put the paper down, and when he did he startled a bit. “Amber, sweetheart...”

“Sorry to disturb you again, papa. I was just wondering.... I’m going to meet up with Aaron for a bit. We will probably have lunch somewhere.” In reality, Amber ate one of the test-slices of the italian sausage she brought in the supermarket, and one apple on her walk to the store, and that was probably her lunch for the day. “Can I borrow some money so that I don’t have to rely on my boyfriend to pay for our date?” she asked, a beaming smile on her lips. 

Her dad prouded himself in being a feminist, and having raised his daughter to be independent and strong. In reality, Amber was the most insecure and she struggled with what she saw in the mirror on a daily basis. But her dad didn’t have to know that. ”Sure sweetheart. 20 euros.” he said, before reaching out his wallet and handing her the blue biljet. ”Enjoy. And do tell him to stop being shy and come over for dinner one night. You cook so greatly my dear, he should see your talent.”

“I will ask again.” Amber promised. She then turned on her heels and walked back out of the study, when she randomly thought about how long it would have been for both of her parents to see each other. Let alone hug. Or even have a normal conversation. She decided she didn’t really wanna know the answer. 

“I’m leaving.” she then yelled, pulling her hair over her scarf and opening the front door, before walking down the stairs that lead up to the house and she made her way onto the street, going right where she had gone left earlier, in her head already mapping out the route to the second nearest delhaize grocery store after she had been to the one around the corner just a little bit earlier. She couldn’t show up at that one now, because that would be awkward.

It took her an hour, and she checked her phone for the steps she had made today when she got back home, quickly preparing the two bottles of wine for tonight and she took a deep breath when everything was back in place the way it was supposed to, with no mishaps. 

“And, is he joining for dinner?” her dad asked, as he walked into the kitchen behind her. This time Amber was the startled one. 

“Eh... he doesn’t... he doesn’t really have a lot of time these days. Some family stuff. But he said maybe next weekend. So we’ll see. I really do hope you can meet him sooner than later.” she said, the sweetest smile on her face despite knowing that the reason her parents hadn’t met Aaron yet was her own doing.

“Well next weekend is Valentine’s day honey. Don’t you guys have plans then already?”

Amber looked up and nodded. “Yeah. We’re going to go out to eat and a movie on Friday.”

Her dad started placing ingredients on the counter for his classic green smoothie, and he hummed. “Dinner and a movie? For your first Valentine’s date?” he asked, cutting the spinach a bit smaller. “Are you sure he is not just trying to seduce you, sweetheart. You know boys these days really seem to have no sense of chivalry anymore. Before you know it you will have sex for the first time with a guy whose last name you don’t even know. 

De Smet, Amber wanted to scream. The name of the guy I had seks with for the first time is Senne De Smet, and I’ve already lost my virginity dad. But she pursed her lips and kept the words inside, counting her luck that her dad was currently too focussed on adding his ingredients to the blender. “Aaron is not like that. And his last name is Jacobs.” she said. Her dad just hummed, not entirely in approval, before he returned his focus to his smoothie.

When it started blending, the noise was too much so Amber made her way to the living room, grabbing her phone and she took a few deep breaths. 

AMBER: [When is the end of the movie on Friday?]

Amber tapped the side of her phone screen, and smiled brightly when Aaron replied within a few minutes. 

AARON: [23u50. I know it’s late, but I can walk back to your house with you so you’ll be safe and stuff.]

AMBER: [Or I could bring some stuff and stay over at yours?]

Amber sighed. She feared she was draining Aaron’s patience with this uno reverse card stuff. She bit her lip nervously when the reply took a little while. She then looked up at her dad on his health kick, pre-planning his smoothie for his evening run but this morning he had 4 pastries from the bakery for breakfast. The hypocrite apple did not fall far from the tree. And so Amber decided to type what she really wanted to type.

AMBER: [I think I’m ready to take things to the next level...]

“Okay sweetheart, I’m going to the gym now. I should be back by 7. Can you get dinner ready for me right away? I still have a lot of stuff to finish for work tonight so I’ll be eating in my office.”

Amber nodded and smiled. The request was simple enough. But underneath it, Amber’s skin just itched with the need to yell at him. To tell him that his expectations of her to cook a meal for three people while her mom was a depressed alcoholic were unrealistic and also archaic. That she knew damn well he did not spend 3 hours at the gym every saturday, and that he probably used that time to hang out with his mistress on the other side of the city. Or his new kids, for all se knew. And that her boyfriend was actually the one guy in her life who loved her for who she was, and not for who he wanted her to be.

“Have a nice workout.” she smiled, and her father looked at him over his shoulder. “Thanks sweetie. Oh have you downloaded that fitness app that I’ve been using yet? It’s really good. You should try it.” he said, before he headed outside and the front door closed, leaving Amber in the silence before the storm. 

She sat on the couch for a while, scrolling through instagrams and chatting with the girls. At around 5, she started the preparations for dinner. At 5.45, her mom appeared downstairs in the living room, and Amber watched her put the plates on the table for them to eat at. Two plates. Never three. And Amber then added the third one herself, giving her mom a look in the process. 

In defiance, her mom opened the first bottle and poured herself a glass, stretching her legs underneath the dining room table as Amber placed the food on the table. “There you go, mom. Enjoy.” she said, and she plated up her own food once her mom had done hers, digging into the pasta she had made herself based on a new recipe. 

“Did I hear you leave again this afternoon?” her mom asked, and Amber looked up like a deer caught in headlights. But her mom wasn’t even looking at her. Instead she was fully focussed on the bottom of her glass of red wine. 

“Yeah I... I went to make an appointment to get my nails done. They’re in bad shape.” Amber said, showing her hands to her mom. She hummed in agreement, and for a moment Amber saw a faint spark in her mom’s eyes. She used to be a beautician with her own salon. She did hair and nails for the high-paying customers of Wilrijk and Edegem. 

“Do you have a date coming up on Friday or something?” her mom asked suspicously. And Amber blushed, shaking her head. “No. No of course not. But I am going to a girl’s night at Jana’s.” Amber then said, as if she had only just thought about it instead of crafting the lie hours prior. “And I also have a study night at Luca’s on Thursdays.”

Her mom simply nodded. None of it was probably sticking. When she got up to refill her glass of wine, she almost fell as her leg got caught to the chair. Amber flinched, and got up herself to grab the bottle and provide her mom with the refill. “There you go, mom.”

Amber then eyed the clock and focussed on her own plate again, and she methodically moved the fork past her lips for at least a dozen times over before she took a sip from the waterbottle next to her. A few more bites later her plate was finally empty, and she sighed deeply.

“Let’s put on some music...” her mom then said, as she got up and put her plate in the dishwasher. Somehow Amber had noticed her mom’s coordination got better the more alcohol she had in her system, as she was now balancing plates on her hand and shuffling around to whatever song was stuck in her head. 

And when she got around to reaching the impressive music collection in their living room, Amber recognized the song based on the cover alone, and soon the tunes of Jacques Brel were playing through their living room. 

“Dance with me sweetheart.” her mom urged, but Amber shook her head, stating she would get nauseous from the spinning so quickly after dinner. And so she just sat on the couch, sipping her water bottle and occasionally looking down at her phone. 

When she saw Aaron had finally replied, she made sure to shield her phone from her mom swirling around in the living room. 

AARON: [Yeah, I’d want that too. Of course you can stay over on Friday. And sorry for not replying earlier, I was helping my sister with some homework and having dinner.]

Amber smiled brightly and send him a kiss emoji in return, before she remembered her dad would be home soon, and she got up to plate up his food from the pot she had been keeping warm. On the seventh strike of the churchbells, she placed the plate on its designated spot in her dad’s office, before she walked back to the living room. 

“Mom, it’s 7...” She said, and her mom did what she usually did, turning the music up higher and ignoring anyone else in the household. Amber sighed at it, the utter childish behaviour her mom could act in sometimes. And so she eventually grabbed her stuff from the living room and walked back up the stairs, closing the door to her room behind her and falling onto her bed with an exhausted sigh. 

AMBER: [Do I need to bring pyjamas?] 

She decided to ask. After all she had never slept with the person she was actually dating. Not like this. And she knew that now, looking back to when she was so desperate to hook up with Senne. She knew that was just the despair, and something she wanted to get over with. But Friday would be different. She swore herself that. 

AARON: [Yeah it would be a bit awkward if you met my parents or my sisters without any clothes on, poes]

AMBER: [I can’t wait until Friday.]


	70. Sunday - 09/02/2020 -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this fic has 70 chapters already guys...

Zoë walked in with a fresh cup of tea and placed it down on the coaster in front of Yasmina, who was reading through the planning Zoë and Jana had done on wednesday. They had decided that throwing a birthday party for the two of them would be fun, and they could split the costs on the drinks and snacks. The fact that Zoë would not have to deal with a messy flatshare again was an added bonus, as Jana suggested throwing it at her place. 

“Why are you looking so concerned?” Zoë asked as she took her seat back on the couch. 

“Because all that’s on the shopping list is alcohol and snacks.” Yasmina pointed out, looking at Zoë with some judgement. Although she pretty much knew it wasn’t Zoë who prioritized that stuff, and that made Yasmina draw up a mental note to ask Zoë about Jana later. 

“Yeah I know. But that’s why it says dot dot dot. I was thinking napkins or paper towels? And perhaps more than one type of non-alcoholic beverage because I’m personally not really a cola fan...”

“Zoë it’s your party too. You should have stuff there you like. So fanta, right?” Yasmina said, pulling the computer closer as she started typing, giving Zoë a knowing smile. She knew her friend’s favorite drink, of course she did. 

“And maybe some sprite, as well?” Zoë suggested, and Yasmina typed while nodding along. “I’m also adding some snacks that aren’t chips. So some cheese cubes. Which means we also need mustard.”

“And some hummus.” Zoë smiled. Yasmina smiled in agreement.

“Okay we will complete the list as we think of stuff. But eh, what else do you have. A spotify playlist, maybe?” Yasmina asked, scrolling down the document to see that there was no mention of music on the plan that Zoë and Jana had prepared. 

“Right.” Zoë said, biting her lip. Otherwise the party would be a bit dull. She looked up when Milan walked in, frowning at his phone. 

“Yasmina?” he asked, cautiously. Yasmina looked up from the computer, a confused smile on her face. “You have biology with Robbe, right? I mean, he... he mentioned that once.”

Yasmina nodded. “Yeah. We’re biology partners. Why?”

“Does he... does he pay attention in that class? Like... at all?” Milan asked. 

Zoë and Yasmina both looked at each other and then started laughing. 

“Milan, what do you mean?” Zoë asked. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to know at this point though…

“Well clearly the boy is a bit confused because he has some very unrealistic ideas of male anatomy.” Milan said with a dramatic intonation. He was looking at his phone with worry.

Yasmina laughed and then shrugged. “He’s one of the best in our entire class. Though we haven’t done anatomy in a while. Right now we’re focusing on genetics so more on the molecular level. If he has any questions on that he can always text me. But I’m afraid you’ll have to help him with the rest.” she smiled.

“Yeah, seems like I will have to help him with this. Anyways, what are you girls up to?” Milan said, joining them in the living room as he took a seat on the other couch. He then spotted the cookies Zoë had put out on the table, and granted himself the liberty of trying one.

“Planning mine and Jana’s birthday party.” Zoë said, leaning her arm on the back of the couch and tilting her head to lean on her hand. She then glanced outside to the swaying trees and the wild wind, indicating that it wasn’t wise to leave the house to get away from Milan’s curiosity. So Zoë decided he could be useful just as well. 

“Wanna help with making a playlist? You can start from the one you had at your party. Just take out all of those weird and awkward songs.”

“Weird and awkward.” Milan scoffed. But he did pull out his phone and launched the spotify app. “Okay, I’ll let you know when I’m finished.” Milan said, before disappearing into his room. 

Yasmina gave Zoë an impressive look, and Zoë shrugged. “Sometimes he just wants to feel needed.”

“In fifteen years from now you’re going to be a CEO Zoë Loockx.” Yasmina said, turning back to the computer. “Mark my words.”

“Yeah yeah, we’ll see about that.” Zoë shrugged it off. “Anyways, the facebook event... I just wanted to use this picture of Jana and me. I will send Jana a message to see if it’s okay for her.” Zoë said, leaning over to the table and picking up her phone.

ZOE: [Hey Jana, can I use that picture of us by the beach last fall for the facebook event, for our party?]

And while Zoë was busy texting Jana, Yasmina already went to work on adding the party details into the facebook event page. She then looked up at Zoë, her finger hoovering over the ‘post’ button, but in an unusual turn of events, Jana’s reply took a while. 

“Maybe she’s hungover in bed?” Zoë asked, and Yasmina chuckled a bit. “Yeah that sounds like Jana on a sundaymorning.” Which then brought Yasmina to her mental note from earlier. Looking back at the list of groceries, and the copious amounts of alcohol on it, she bit her lip. 

She grabbed her cup of tea and took a few sips from it while they waited for a reply. And when the silence eventually became too big, Yasmina cleared her throat.

“Zoë... Do you think she sometimes goes a bit overboard?”

“Who, Jana?” Zoë asked, and when Yasmina nodded, Zoë sighed deeply. What could she say. Jana was her best friend. And they had a lot of fun together. Both at parties and just at chill afternoons together. Zoë didn’t mind Jana being unreachable in the morning afters. In fact she had gotten used to it by now. Thinking back, 11AM was probably way too early to get a hold of Jana on a Sunday. 

But at the same time she saw where Yasmina came from. How Jana would not cautiously approach that line between tipsy and full out drunk, but instead speeded towards it at 100 kilometers an hour. And sometimes it did worry her a bit. Jana was still very much unaware of her limits.

“Well, we’re turning 17 soon. So... I don’t know, maybe it’s just something that passes over time?”

Then again, last fall Zoë had often found herself alone in bed on Thursday night while Senne was out drinking with his friends. And he was never fully drunk on those nights. What bothered Zoë more was that he just wasn’t there with her. But it did go to show that even in a few years, there would be this pressure to drink and have fun, enjoy the student life to the fullest. 

Zoë got pulled out of her thoughts when a notification jumped up. 

JANA: [Morning. Yeah sure no problem. Let me know when it’s posted?]

Zoë gave Yasmina a thumbs up and then typed a reply. 

ZOE: [I don’t know if you’re on the guestlist for the event Jana... But if it’s decided that you get invited then you’ll surely see the notification ;) :p]

Zoë then sat back down next to Yasmina, watching her press post and see the page manifest in front of her eyes. 

“Okay so invites....”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this fic has 70 chapters already guys... If you have any favorite chapters or chapters you wanna see in the future, let me know in the comments or dm me on twitter @TayaTinkerbell.


	71. Monday - 10/02/2020 - 12.38

“Oh shit Amber.” Luca said as she zigzagged through the rows of chairs, walking behind her friend to find a table for lunch. With her hands full of food, she didn’t have the change to point out what she saw until they sat down. “Your jacket, on the back.” Luca said, pointing at her own shoulder. 

Amber took off her jacket and groaned when she saw the big dark red stain on it. The thought that she had been walking around with this all day made her want to crawl up in a ball and cry, and she looked around the school cafeteria to check if anyone else was staring at her.

“Don’t worry though, your hair covered it. I only noticed it cause your hair was pulled to the side.” Luca smiled. She recognized the worried frown on Amber’s face, and knew that she needed some reassurance now or the mishap would be on her mind all day. “Looks like....”

“Wine.” Amber sighed. She looked up and could tell Luca doubted that, but this wasn’t the first winestain Amber found on her clothes. Although it had been the first in a little while, ever since she had taken over laundry duty from her mom. 

And typically, on instinct, Amber would come up with an excuse, a reasonable explenation as to why it was there. But today was just one of those days. She wouldn’t see Aaron until after school because he had an important test right after lunch, the food of plate in front of her was screaming in her face, and she had just gotten a test back where she scored 3 out of 10. And just the prospect of not having to keep her head high for one day, caused tears to appear in her eyes. 

“Amber, it.. It's only a jacket.” Luca stammered, a bit unsure if she should let Amber be dramatic over a jacket or if she should be the voice of reason and tell her this wasn’t the end of the world. With Amber both options could be needed sometimes, and Luca had learned to read her friend closely to figure out what would be the best approach to the situation. But right now, Amber had already beaten her to it. 

“I know, I know. It’s not about the jacket.” she sighed, fanning her hands in front of her eyes in an attempt not to make her mascara all runny. If she was meeting Aaron after school she could not afford to look like a raccoon. 

“My mom... she drinks wine. Pretty frequently. And last night my dad threw the bottles out. He said she was a bad example for me.” Amber sighed, her eyes fixed on the wood pattern of the table below her, trying to work up the courage to face the reaction from her friend. And when she finally did look up, she bit her lip. “Please don’t tell anyone. Nobody knows.”

“Your mom having a... drinking problem?” she asked cautiously and with a hushed voice. Amber shrugged her shoulders. It might as well be called for what it is. Although in reality the issues were way deeper than that. Amber just wasn’t ready to go into detail about that. 

“I just... I don’t want people to see me as the daughter of an... alcoholic.” she explained, hesitation about using the word. She had never said it out loud before. “It would ruin my entire reputation. And my mom might get help, soon.” Amber said. And when she did, it all sounded too familiar. The family dinners, that she attended with just her dad and she told everyone her mom would join them next time. Her grandma warning Amber she might have to give her mom a liver-transplant at one point in her life. And all the things Amber told herself to keep that stuff from getting to her head. 

“Seems like your dad tries to help her, though?” Luca said, still trying to speak softly and doing her best not to focus on the fact itself. She was putting aside how she thought about that for now. She knew that for Amber not to tell her any of this for how long they’ve known each other, it must be because it caused her great shame.

Amber looked up, and for a moment she considered explaining everything. Her parents failed marriage, her dad’s hypocricy... But she couldn’t. 

“He tries.” Amber said instead. And in the very beginning, he had. He had eaten dinner with them, and he had told her mom that they could enjoy the wine more while reading a book out by the fireplace. But her mom didn’t drink for social reasons. And so her dad had been faced with the wall that her mom put up between them. And as a result, the one that stood between Amber and her mom herself.

She then sighed and brushed her hair out of her face with her fingers. “My mom doesn’t know about Aaron, either.” Amber then admitted. She looked at her nails, and remembered the lie she told her mom about getting an appointment for them.

“And your dad?” Luca asked. 

Amber nodded. “He knows. But... Aaron doesn’t know about my mom. So I can’t invite him to meet them. Not when they don’t have their lives together.” Amber said, a bit of a venomous tone in her voice. 

Luca clicked her tongue, and sighed deeply. “That’s a fragile web of lies, Amber...”

“I know. And I know Aaron deserves better. But what is he going to think if he sees the way my mom is? We can’t go to a restaurant because she’ll make a scene if the somelier cuts her off. And she will talk me into getting her more wine or she gets it herself on a good day. So there’s always some at the house, even if my dad throws it out. Meaning I can’t bring Aaron there either.” Amber explained. 

She wanted to though. Not for the sake of her parents, but to have a space to be with him. To just spend time together in her room. To show him some of the outfits she had ordered online for the summer. To cook for him, to watch a movie together. 

Amber moved in her seat. She looked down, to the plate of food she hadn’t touched. And if salt on her lips from the tears had done one thing, it was to make her hungry. And so she cut into her plate, and took a few bites.

“You think he’s going to break up with you because he can’t meet your parents though?” Luca asked, a bit surprised. It wasn’t something she could see Aaron do. But it did seem to be the thing that Amber was fearing – the reason why she was so concerned about it.

Amber shrugged. She knew it was a possibility. And she didn’t want to wait to find out. She was aware that she was purposefully keeping him at a distance with no explenation, or testing his patience for an explenation she wasn’t ready to give. So whatever would happen for them, if things stayed the same it didn’t seem like their relationship would last long. 

“I just don’t want to do anything that might screw it up with him. I... I really like him Luca.” Amber admitted. 

“I know. I’m there when your tongues are down each other’s throats all the time.” Luca grinned. Amber blushed, and pointed her salad-pitched fork at Luca. “Wait until you find someone, Luca. You’ll get what I mean.”

“Honestly at this point I feel like a vibrator is a better investment of my time, and money, than chasing after boys.” Luca said bluntly. “Like, one of those rabbit ones...”

Amber looked up and started laughing loudly. “Luca!”

“What? It’s actually one of the games I have prepared for us on Thursday, you know.” Luca smirked. “You’re still coming right? Galentine’s day?” Luca said with a mischevious eyebrow raise. 

Amber giggled and nodded, saying she wouldn’t want to miss it for the world. “Good. Cause I already have a lot of fun games for us planned.”


	72. Chapter 72

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The text in italics is the part at the beginning of the evening that Sander thinks back to towards the end of the evening. I went a bit extra with some non-linear storytelling.

The Driesen family had a strict no phones on the table policy. It was probably one of the more strict parts about Sander’s upbringing, and he had not yet challenged his parents on this rule, always leaving his phone by the cookbooks in the kitchen whenever they would sit down to have a meal together. 

But right now he could see the notifications on his phone from the corner of his eye, and he was itching to get up and see what Robbe had replied. And apparenly his mom noticed, because she just chukled and caught her husband’s attention. “I think either the academy is on fire, or Sander knows Robbe has just texted him...”

Sander looked up and blushed a bit, being caught and called out like that by his own parents. And when his dad gave him a teasing look, Sander knew the perfect response.

“Yeah well, what can I say I’m dating someone who broke the law after all.” Sander said. 

This caused Anne and Frank to pause their movements, but Sander just kept eating like it was the most casual thing in the world to say. 

“Sander...” Frank said, judgingly.

“Dad, dad, chill... I’m just joking.” Sander said, quickly. “It’s just a joke. Cause Robbe is wearing one of my shirts on his latest instagram. So I called him out for being a thief.”

Sander’s dad responded with a drawn out nonverbal ‘oh’ and then looked in the direction of Sander’s phone with a judgy look. And Sander could swear he heard him say ‘I swear to god this social media stuff’ and Sander smiled to himself. 

“Dinner was nice dad, thank you.” Sander said as he put his plate and his mom’s into the dishwasher, before washing his hands and finally reaching for his phone, which made both his parents smile. 

“Remember when we were that desperate to hear from each other Hilde? Except we had to actually meet up somewhere to express how we feel. And look at them now. All emojis these kids.”

Sander, who was focussed on his screen huffed and then showed the long text that Robbe had just sent him, as a way to prove that they were actually communicating in full sentences, and not just emoji’s. Although Sander wouldn’t ever let his parents read what Robbe had actually just texted him, and he also knew he would have to get himself to the privacy of his room sooner rather than later. 

“Anyways, I’m going to, ehm, work on some school projects.” he said, clearing his throat. He then quickly ducked around the corner into the hallway and opened and closed the door to his room right away, taking the extra caution to lock it behind him. He did not need any interruptions. 

He didn’t get around to actually working on a sketch for school until hours later, having taken a shower before getting into bed. When he saw the doorhandle go down, Sander cursed and he got up to unlock the door for his mom, who looked at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“Sorry about that. Just... Eh, what’s up?” he asked her. 

“I’m doing laundry. Do you have some?” Hilde asked. Sander looked over his shoulder, a thoughtful smile on his face. “Or did you give all your clothes to your boyfriend?” Hilde added, teasing. 

“Not you too.” Sander then groaned, rolling his eyes as he walked backwards away from the door. His mom entered with the laundry basket on her hip, before she put it on Sander’s desk chair. Sander looked at her and he knew by the look of it that they were gonna have a talk now. 

“Seems like things are going good with you guys?” Hilde said, as she stroked through her son’s hair while his head rested against her shoulder. Sander’s physical touch love language was peaking right now, which showed Hilde knew her son. 

“Yeah. Things are... pretty great.” Sander smiled. 

Hilde hummed and then moved back, so that she could look at her son. She put her hand on his shoulder, to get a proper look. And when she did, she smiled. “Oh I recognize that look. You’re just as much of a romantic as your dad.” 

“Something with apples and trees...” Sander shrugged, but Hilde wouldn’t relent into jokes just yet. She had to express some of her concern first, although she allowed for a pause before she did.

“Sweetheart... You’re sure he’s serious about this too, are you? And you’re being safe, yes?”

Sander rolled his eyes, and shook his head. “Mom seriously.”

“I know, I know. I’d ask the same thing if it was a girl, baby. I’m just... You had your episode and then exams and now you’re back at school. How is school?” she asked. 

Sander knew her mom’s inner academic was never far away, usually a sentence of five, six. And he didn’t mind. Because he knew she was asking from a neutral perspective. She wasn’t asking it to indulge him and he liked that.

“School is good. We have a class cancelled tomorrow though. One of the windows in the atelier was broken last night due to the storm and Sebastian, our prof, doesn’t want to teach in another one.”

Hilde hummed at that, like Sander assumed she would, and he looked aside with a smirk. A challenge. Go on and say it. 

“Weird teachers at that school of yours boy. At the university we just relocate to another aula...”

At the university we do this, at the university we do that. Sander had seen those lines coming the moment he enrolled in the academy. He knew it was part of the deal he made with his mom when she agreed to him studying arts. He would get comparison comments every now and then. But it was okay as long as they didn’t venture into the quality of his degree.

“Mom, your university had the ceiling of the biggest aula collapse right before school was supposed to start last year.” Sander said. He got up to walk over to his laundry.

“Yeah but that was not the science faculty’s campus anyways...” his mom said in defense. 

Sander hummed in a ‘yeah yeah’ sense, but he knew he got her caught with that one.

“Yeah well, you don’t have to worry though. School’s good. Robbe is amazing. The only problem is that I’m running out of shirts. So yeah, if you could wash these that would help.” he said. 

Hilde sighed and ruffled through his hair after she got up and picked up the basket, tossing Sander’s laundry on top of the stuff already in there. 

“You know if you have the plan to move out next year, you’re gonna have to learn how to do laundry kid.”

“That’s next year’s problem mom.” Sander grinned. But the reminder of his promise over the summer was perhaps not such a thing for the long-term future. Because a lot of stuff had happened since he had made that plan over the summer. In fact, he probably had a sunstroke when he said that, as it was the hottest day of the year. 

But he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

Biting his lip, Sander grabbed his phone and scrolled up in the chat with Robbe, all the way back to the point where Robbe had texted him during dinner, after reading Sander’s comment on insta. 

_ROBBE: [I think of myself more as a “rebel” instead of a thief]_

_SANDER: [I see what you did there...]_

_ROBBE: [But wearing your shirt is like my favorite thing though.]_

_SANDER: [And why is that?]_

_ROBBE: [Because then it’s just like you’re here. If I close my eyes I can imagine you’re here. I can smell you.]_

_Sander had doubted this. Robbe had taken that shirt after their movie night last week, and so by now it probably smelled more like the particular wood-smell in Robbe’s room than of himself._

_SANDER: [Oh so you don’t need me around then anymore? Seems like you’ve found a substitute for me then...]_

_ROBBE: [Smell, yes. Touch, no. And I really do miss your hands on me to be honest.]_

_And that would be the text that caused him to speedwalk to his room._

_SANDER: [I only have class in the morning tomorrow... Can we meet up?]_

_ROBBE: [I’m meeting up with the boys tomorrow...]_

_SANDER: [Oh so you want their company more than my hands all over you then?]_

_ROBBE: [No of course not.]_

_SANDER: [Cause I have plans for us, you know...]_

_ROBBE: [Like what?]_

_SANDER: [You’ll find out tomorrow...]_

_And that was when Sander discovered, two could play the game._

_ROBBE: [Are we finally gonna do what we do in one of those dreams of yours?]_

_SANDER: [Maybe...]_

_ROBBE: [You know I have a few of those dreams too sometimes...]_

_SANDER: [The ones you’re too shy to tell me about?]_

_ROBBE: [I’m not that shy about them anymore...]_

_SANDER: [Then tell me. I wanna know what we do in those dreams of yours. I want every delicious detail.]_

_Sander rubbed through his hair reading the texts again. They had started off really innocent, flirty. Sander loved to tease Robbe, and when he sent those teasing texts he imagined his boyfriend’s exasperated face reading them. Or the blush on his cheeks. But with the texts that followed, it had been Sander’s turn to be surprised._

_ROBBE: [In one of them we were making a video. ]_

_Robbe knew Sander had some videos and pictures on his phone, because Sander always asked Robbe if it was okay if he captured the moment. Robbe hadn’t minded too much. He had grown comfortable with the fact that he was dating an ‘artistic genius’ - Robbe’s words, not his - and if Sander wanted to take a picture to remember the moment, or to use as a reference for a drawing later, Robbe had been generous enough to let him._

_Most of the times they could still pass off as innocent. He had taken some pictures while they were getting ready for NYE. One with Robbe covering his face shyly but the rest of his naked upper body visible as they lay in Robbe’s bed. One with Robbe just wearing a towel, his skin still covered in little drops of water as he just got out of the shower. And the videos were just recordings of Robbe and him out and about. One where Robbe whispered “Ik hou van u, niet vergeten.” in the camera. A short clip of them on their bikes, Sander had forgotten where they were even headed too._

_ROBBE: [It was my idea to make one, but you had a whole artistic vision about what the best angle_ _would be. I kept telling you it didn’t matter as long as it was just us. As long as you’d just fuck me good enough that I'd forget the camera was even there.]_

_Looking back at the texts, and the small pause between them, Sander could tell that Robbe had been working up the courage. A few hours ago he didn’t notice because he was too busy taking his pants off, but now that he saw the different timestamps he realized._

_SANDER: [You dreamed of us doing that? Recording ourselves while we had sex?]_

_ROBBE: [Yeah.]_

_ROBBE: [I don’t know if... I mean it was a dream. A really hot one, at that. My subconscious seemed to like it enough...]_

_SANDER: [Yeah I know. Don’t worry, there’s no expectations.]_

_ROBBE: [But... maybe. I’ve been thinking about it. Haven’t reached a conclusion.]_

_And fuck, Sander felt that same heat return just like it did back then. Just the fact that Robbe was considering making that dream a reality and how amazing it would be for the two of them. It had made Sander hot all over._

_SANDER: [You’re doing things to me just by saying that.]_

_ROBBE: [Yeah?]_

_Sander smiled reading that text. He imagined Robbe was proud of himself in that moment. And Sander wanted him to be._

_SANDER: [Absolutely. I had to take off my jeans...]_

_ROBBE: [I’m guessing that took less long if you weren’t wearing your doc marents around your house, right?]_

_Sander remembered the light feeling that washed over him when Robbe made a funny, teasing comment like that. It helped a bit with managing things. Lasting a little longer, too. But then he’d double down on the type of stuff that made Sander completely lose his mind and.. Well..._

_ROBBE: [I’m actually not wearing anything other than your shirt right now.]_

_And Sander hadn’t been able to look away from the picture Robbe had inserted below. It had made his mouth water, and at the back of his brain he registered the fact that Robbe, his boyfriend who was unable to adress his feelings months ago, had now just sent him a nude._

_To see how far their relationship had come these last few weeks, blew Sander’s mind completely._

_And something else was blown too, as Sander lost all restraint and allowed himself to enjoy the sight of the picture until he found himself on his bed, completely spent and in need of a shower._

_SANDER: [I need a shower now.]_

_ROBBE: [I’m just getting ready for bed right now.]_

_SANDER: [I’m back. That was really amazing.]_

_ROBBE: [The shower, or me?]_

_SANDER: [You.]_

_ROBBE: [So you liked it, then?]_

_SANDER: [Yes. I’m a big fan of your dreams and you telling me about them.]_

_SANDER: [Can’t wait to find out more. Maybe next time you can tell me when we’re together?]_

_ROBBE: [Maybe ;)]_

That was the final text that had been sent between them, and Sander had reached for his sketchbook, and his mom knocked on his door soon after that _._ Right now it was past 10PM, and Sander refreshed the chat once more to see if there were any messages he had missed before he typed another message. He was counting on Robbe to still be awake at this point.

SANDER: [I love you, Robbe]

ROBBE: [I love you too.]

SANDER: [I just read through our texts from earlier again... ]

ROBBE: [Hahaha. Can’t get enough?]

SANDER: [I’m good now. It was the second preferred way to spend my evening with you. The first one being actually able to hold you and listen to your breathing as you fall asleep.]

ROBBE: [I knew you were going to go all super duper romantic on me there]

SANDER: [As if you don’t like it when we get to sleep together.]

ROBBE: [No you’re right, I do love that.]

SANDER: [If there ever came a time where I wouldn’t be able to hold you in my bed for longer than a week, I might combust.]

ROBBE: [I like the feeling of falling asleep next to someone far too much to ever let that happen.]

SANDER: [Good. I sleep much better when you’re there anyways.]

Sander sighed, looking at the door where his mom had just left not too long ago and the thought of moving out to get his own studio in the city center. But he was cautious in allowing himself to imagine having Robbe there with him. He knew they hadn’t been dating for that long. He knew they were young. He couldn’t get wrapped up in that scenario just yet.

ROBBE: [Later this week perhaps.]

SANDER: [Okay. Goodnight ♥.]

ROBBE: [Night ♥]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, yes, I included a quarantaine reference in this chapter because we can all tell that they're having a hard time with it. And I thought it would be kinda funny to include a little reference. April 2020 Sander is very close to the combusting that February 2020 Sander predicts in this chapter. And Robbe is finding all sorts of bravery these days, so I'm curious to see what you guys think of his character development in this fic so far. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts in the comments, the discord or dm me on twitter @TayaTinkerbell.


	73. Chapter 73

Robbe did a double check, which technically counted as a tripple check because he had already been staring at his phone in confusion both when he first received the message and then when he got on his bike. But now he was reading it again, because what the fuck?

[Jens Stoffels added Sander Driesen to the chat] the notification said. Followed by a picture of Moyo, Aaron, Jens and Sander at the park with the caption “80% complete” underneath it. 

“What is this shit?” Robbe said while walking up to the boys with the biggest smile. Aaron turned around first from whatever Jens, Moyo and Sander were watching on Sander’s phone.

“Well, we thought since Sander is around so often we might as well add him.” Aaron said.

Robbe looked at Aaron and then he reached the other boys. Why was Sander not greeting him? What was more important than him finally arriving to the park that had the boy’s attention drawn to the phone? And as soon as Aaron had stopped talking he had recognized the audio, but he was assuming it was a coincidence until it was not, when he saw himself, shirtless, dancing in his room to Rebel Rebel by David Bowie, one of the videos Sander had taken a week or two ago.

“I think we have the subject for our next vlog guys!” Moyo said, clapping his hands. 

“Boooooy Robbe, those are some serious moves my friend.” Jens said, clicking his tongue.

And just like that in a snap motion Robbe snatched the phone away from their fingers, and he quickly paused it before he locked the phone and handed it back to Sander. 

“For the record, I was super drunk. And I happened to fail the first attempt at the Bowie exam so that was the counter-challenge.” Robbe explained. And when Sander had insisted he recorded it, Robbe should have known it would come back to bite him in the ass. If he had studied more for the Bowie exam, he wouldn’t be in this position right now.

At this point Sander rose from the bench they had been leaning against, and he walked up to his rattling, slightly grumpy boyfriend to put a hand on either side of his face and to look at him with a soft smile. “You don’t have to explain yourself baby.” Sander said, pulling Robbe in close and burrying his face in his boyfriend’s neck, his hands making soft soothing movementss. 

“You’ll pass the exam next time. And if you want to avoid any dancing videos in the future, all you have to do is bribe the teacher.” Sander then said, leaning away again and looking back at his boyfriend with a smirk. “And don’t worry, I made sure the camera roll didn’t accidentally land on your picture from yesterday...”

And just when he had recovered from the emberassment of the dance video, Robbe’s face flushed bright red again at the thought of anyone but Sander seeing that picture. He would throw Sander’s phone in the river before anyone other than the two of them got their hands on it.

“So you and my friends.” Robbe then whispered, once he had checked that the other boys were far enough not to hear them. 

Sander sighed and leaned his head back. ”Well isn’t it a good thing that I get along with your friends that they ask me to join?” he asked, then softer, “Is it that bad to hang out with them?”

Robbe could see Sander was starting to doubt himself. And Robbe couldn’t have any of that. His boyfriend, who was wiling to yell in front of the entire school how in love with him he was, should not feel guilty for being himself. “No, it’s not bad, Sander. Just... I don’t know. Need to get used to it.” 

Robbe sighed and looked over Sander’s shoulder once more, seeing that his friends were at least giving them a bit of privacy. “I’m glad to see you though.” Robbe said, before he leaned in for a long awaited kiss. And it felt like it had been weeks since he was able to do that. When in reality, it had been since sunday. Getting lost in the familiar sensation of Sander’s lips on his, Robbe pulled Sander a bit closer with the one hand that slid in the back pocket of Sander’s jeans, causing Sander to hum appreciatively.

Moyo approached the two of them in that moment, and cleared his throat loudly. 

Robbe smiled, holding Sander’s gaze for just a little bit longer and then turning to Moyo. “Do you have a frog in your throat Moyo?” he grinned. 

He was used to the boys commenting on the ‘excessive’ PDA by now. But Robbe wasn’t going to stop kissing Sander in front of them. So he figured they should just get used to it, and he was still gonna call them out for the ridiculously awkward ways they interrupted them too.

"I was just checking if you guys wanna join in on soccer?” Moyo said. 

“Sure.” Sander nodded, already dropping his hands from resting on Robbe’s shoulders, but Robbe’s hands grabbed onto them, causing Sander to look back at him. “What?”

“Are you sure about this? The guys are kinda...” Robbe grimaced. He didn’t exactly know how to explain his friends and their tendency to make everything a dick-measuring contest.

“Super competitive? Yeah, I’ve seen your vlogs baby. But don’t worry.” he said, winking. “They don’t know I played soccer until I was 12.”

And as Sander took off into the direction of his friends, Robbe wondered and eventually concluded that he didn’t even know that himself. And it made him curious as to what other hidden talents Sander would have.

The boys then got into a two vs two game of soccer at the field in the park, and Robbe sat down on one of the benches. This was the disadvantage to all of them hanging out together, the fact that they were now at an uneven number. 

Deciding it would take a while until he’d play, he started reading a text from his dad that he had swiped away this morning, asking if he could update on his mom. And truthfully, Robbe wanted to tell him to go to hell. But he also knew his dad was not asking with bad intentions, and he paid for his mom’s treatment so Robbe felt some sort of obligation to answer him.

Once the text had been sent, Robbe sighed deeply and when he looked up, he saw Jens walking towards him.

“Your boyfriend is killing them.” Jens chuckled. “He didn’t even need me on his team. Did you know about this?” Jens asked as he took a seat, and Robbe shook his head. He then reached out in his backpack for a bottle of water that Jens really seemed to be needing right now. “What do you have in there, a picnik basket?” Jens joked as he took a few sips. 

Robbe shrugged and then glanced over to where Aaron and Moyo were desperate to try and stop Sander from passing through their defense. “I was gonna actually ditch you guys to go hang out with Sander later this afternoon though, full disclosure.” Robbe said, and when he looked aside he and Jens both had the biggest grin on their faces. 

“You’re such a lucky bastard...” Jens said, shaking his head. He then took another sip from the bottle and passed it back over to Robbe. 

“It’s not like you have a shortage of options. Noor didnt have time to meet up this afternoon?” Robbe teased. 

Jens sighed deeply and it seemed like even the mention of Noor brought large amounts of stress, as was visible in the way his expression changed. Robbe noticed right away how Jens just completely seemed to shut down on the subject. Which made Robbe think of what he could have said wrong. And right now the only conclusion he could draw was that he did not say the right girl’s name. 

“Wait... Did you end up going to the thing Mia hosted? You never answered that question on Friday...”

Jens frowned. Who the hell was Mia again? And then he saw Robbe nod towards Sander, and he remembered. “Oh, her. Yeah, no. I mean... No.” Jens said. 

And when Robbe watched him shut down again, staring into the distance, Robbe felt like an outsider looking in and he hated that. He hated that his best friend was shutting him out. And yes, he realized that he hadn’t always been as open and communicative himself. But that was changing now. 

“Jens... I’ve known you for ten years. I know when you’re bottling stuff up. Speak.” Robbe ordered. 

Jens didn’t react at first. He just kept staring ahead, only faintly paying attention to the 7th, 8th and 9th time that Sander replaced the ball on the dot and zig-zagged passed the two other guys only to kick the ball against the goal and scoring another point. 

“I don’t really care about girls right now, is the thing.” Jens said. He then looked over at his best friend. “And I'd really appreciate if people stopped fucking asking about it.” he said, teeth clenched and his hands were balled up in fists in front of him.

Robbe watched the shaking movements of Jens’ hands balled up in anger. Or maybe not anger. Frustration. Annoyance. And he had seen Jens angry before. It was rare for Jens to actually show much emotion at all, but being as close as they are, Robbe had seen some of the worst of it. But never like this. Never because of him asking a question about his life. 

Robbe sighed deeply. He was becoming one of those people. He was becoming part of the problem. “Okay. Okay, I get it. I think. I... No more girls talk, got it.” he agreed.

Jens sighed, and he gave his friend a thankful nod. Both Robbe and Jens turned to watch the other guys on the field. Then, after a few minutes, he spoke anyways. “It’s just... Noor, Mia... I couldn’t care less.”

Robbe looked up with a confused hum.

Jens paused, looking down on his hands and effectively hiding the emotions on his face as he did. But then he remembered it was Robbe, his best friend. If he could talk to anyone about the stuff going on with his family, it was him. So he decided to take a deep breath in, and explain the things that had been going on these last few days. “My dad is about to move to Utrecht and I will only see him on the weekends if I’m lucky. My parents told us this weekend, and I heard Lies cry in her room nextdoors all night. And if my dad is only going to be here in the weekends, I’m not gonna have as much time to hang out with you guys as I do now.”

When Jens looked up to see his best friend’s reaction, there was defeat in his eyes. And Robbe just blinked.

He let the information sink in, and he made a few attempts to find the right words but he failed to do so, and when Aaron asked him to switch places because he was spent, Robbe glanced over at Jens who gave him an expression that Robbe absolutely hated to see. I caused Robbe’s mind to flash back to a few months ago, when he first tried to open up to Jens and they got interrupted themselves. The memory made him gain determination like never before to stay where he was, waving Aaron off and turning to his best friend. 

“Shit Jens, that’s... intense.” Robbe said, still not knowing what to say exactly. But he knew saying something was better than nothing. “So, your parents made the decision then? Your dad will be the only one moving?” Robbe asked, and Jens nodded, looking down at his feet. “Yeah. If it’s just my dad he only needs a small studio apartment there, that we will rent out as an airbnb during the weekends. Or, at least that’s the plan. I just... I don’t know man. I feel like it’s a slippery slope and I don’t want to see my mom and dad spent that much time apart. Whenever it becomes easier for my dad to just stay in Utrecht, their marriage could be over.”

Jens clicked his tongue and looked up. “So yeah, it still kinda sucks though. Even this best case scenario is the one where my family gets broken apart.”

Robbe sighed and put a hand on his friend’s shoulder, nodding in empathy. “I understand. It totally sucks.” Robbe said, trying not to give too much of a philosophical reply because he knew right now Jens probably needed someone to vent to and try to understand him more than anything else. 

“Yeah and so what I mean is that I don’t have time to talk to you guys about girls and stuff like that. There’s more important things in life than girls.”

“But you decided you liked my boyfriend enough to hang out with him though?” Robbe chuckled. 

Jens frowned, then nodded. “Oh yeah, for sure. I mean, Sander’s pretty cool. And look at how he is making those two look like complete fools. I live for this shit.” he smiled.

“Oké dudes, your turn.” Moyo said as he came running up to Jens and Robbe by the bench. “I swear to god that guy is a robot. You can’t block him.” Moyo said, fully out of breath. Aaron still stayed behind on the field, but he and Sander were just chatting now, waiting for Robbe and Jens to join on the field most likely. 

“So eh... Valentine’s is coming up in two days. You got anything planned?” Aaron asked as he tried to do some stretching. But in reality he was just holding one arm up with the other one and he knew he would probably be sore tomorrow from all the running around and tackle attempts.

Sander looked at him and then at Robbe, before shaking his head back at Aaron. “No, not really. We haven’t been together that long, so we haven’t decided if that’s the type of tradition we want to do or not.”

Aaron looked at Sander and had a pensive look on his face, as if Sander had just quoted some great philosopher. “I see. Right. Yeah.” he mumbled. “I mean... You’re not dating a girl like Amber though. Valentine’s is gonna be the first time we will have sex.” Aaron grinned. 

Sander looked at the other boys and smiled when he saw Robbe would be joining them on the field, before he turned back to Aaron, and he tried to find the least rude way to say what was on his mind. “Aaron... I think perhaps it’s best if we keep our sex lives seperate, don’t you think? You can’t go around announcing you’re going to take some girl’s virginity to anyone who would listen...”

“Oh no. No no, Amber lost her virginity to Senne. Like, way back, last school year. I’m the virgin in this scenario.” Aaron clarified, and just in that moment Robbe came to join Sander, wrapping his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulder. 

“Eh... what is this conversation about exactly.” Robbe asked, his face wrapped up in cringe at hearing words like virginity from a distance. For a split second Robbe feared he might be the subject of the conversation, but he soon realized Sander wouldn’t talk about them to his friends like that, let alone to Aaron.

“About Aaron needing some guidance.” Sander smiled, turning to Robbe. “Do you think Milan takes referals?”

“Eh, I don’t know?” Robbe frowned. 

“Alright let’s play guys.” Jens then yelled, walking onto the field and clapping his hands to get the other’s attention. “How do you wanna do this?” Jens asked, his hands squared on his hips. 

“We’re beating his ass, that’s what we’re doing.” Robbe grinned, before kissing Sander on the cheek and then spreading out on the field. 

Aaron then rolled the ball over to Sander’s feet, and took a seat next to Moyo.

“Oh you love this ass, IJzermans.” Sander smirked, before he took the ball and the match kicked off with Sander finally facing some proper competition.


	74. Thursday - 13/02/2020 - 19.38

“Okaaay.” Luca cheered as she walked over with the little tray in her hands, “Two mocktails for the ladies.” Luca said while putting the tray down and placing the drinks in front of Zoë and Yasmina. “And the good stuff for the rest of us.” 

Amber giggled, and took her glass, stirring the liquid inside and trying to figure out the type of cocktail Luca had created for them. And Jana seemed similarly curious, observing the bottom of the glass before she decided to take a sip and she tasted the sweet cherry flavor.

“I call it the Lucatini. Just drink it, it tastes good.” Luca said, before she took a sip herself with a dramatic and satisfied sigh afterwards. This was great. All of the girls were here, and there were no boys to distract them. That was exactly what today was about. Just a day to celebrate their friendship. An homage to the love they all felt for eachother as friends, you could say.

Luca looked around and saw the approving nods from Amber and Jana. She then looked at the other side of the couch where Zoë and Yasmina sipped from their orangejuice based mocktails, and after taking a few sips they both had pleasantly surprised smiles on their faces. 

“Wow Luca, these are really good. And you’re sure there’s no alcohol in these?” Zoë asked, to which Luca shook her head, smiling proudly. She had only used two 1/8ths of alcoholfree liquor added to 3/4ths of orange juice. This way even Zoë and Yasmina’s drinks were a bit special, and festive. 

“I’m glad you like them. I personally am in a celebratory mood this Galentine’s day, because for the first time in like... a year I feel okay about not having a relationship. “ she smiled proudly. Jana turned sideways and gave her a high-five. “And if I want to hear about any experiences, all I have to do is ask Amber.” Luca added, grinning in the direction of her friend in the middle of the couch. 

Amber clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes. She knew she would be singled out a few times tonight, being the only one in the group to actually be in a relationship on Valentine’s, but she didn’t expect it to happen within the first minute. Then again, she didn’t mind. Much like she didn’t mind sharing her experiences and talking about her relationship with Aaron. And considering their plans for the next day, she decided she was going to share a bit right now, because she needed the girls’ advice preferably while everyone was still sober. 

“Aaron and I will have sex for the first time tomorrow.” she blurted out while all the other girls sipped their drinks and argued over which snacks should be placed closer to whom. But when Amber spoke, the room got silent for a bit. The silence was disrupted by Luca’s loud cracking of the chips in her mouth, and she gave the others an apologetic look before turning to Amber. From across the couch, Yasmina sighed and mumbled ‘here we go again’ under her breath, with Zoë and Jana both looking at her with a cautious look.

“Don’t worry, it won’t be like last time with Senne. I know what I’m doing now. Or.... well, I know how it works. How it feels. So that’s good.” Amber smiled confidently. 

“And Aaron? Does he even know how it works? I swear he is the most confused 16 year old boy in our biology classroom.” Yasmina frowned.

Jana and Zoë grinned at that, but Luca frowned a bit disappointed. “I think you’d be surprised by what that boy has in that brain of his. We were talking on our way to economics last week and he had some really interesting stuff to say.” Luca said, to which Yasmina agreed her judgement might have been a bit harsh. She gave a nonverbal apology and they returned their focus to Amber, who was trying not to let the comment get to her. 

“Well no, he is still a virgin, so Yasmina might have a point.” she admitted quietly. “But boys know how it works already. I mean, it’s like their instinct of something isn’t it?” she then said, looking at the other girls with a questioningly, somewhat desperate look. But she wasn’t sure what she wanted from them if she was honest. None of them would know.

“I think it’s just more normalized that 16 year old boys watch porn but not 16 year old girls. I think you’d be surprised as to how inexperienced some of the guys at our school actually are at that age.” Zoë said, locking her fingers around her knee and then looking at the other girls. 

An awkward silence settled, and Amber looked down at her hands folded in her lap, insecurity working its way into her head with easy access now.

“Yeah I mean... It doesn’t require rocket science but if you want an orgasm then it’s kind of important that he knows how to do that. Unless you plan on doing all the work yourself?” Jana commented. 

Amber looked up and squinted her eyes. “Orgasm? I didn’t have an orgasm with Senne either, so how -”

“Amber.” Yasmina then cut in, giving her a stern look while she tried not to make it too obvious why she had cut her off. But everyone knew why Amber mentioning Senne in this context wasn’t the best idea.

Zoë smiled at Yasmina and shook her head. “It’s okay.” And with wrapping an arm around her shoulder she thanked her friend for trying to protect her. However the reality was that she didn’t need protection from who Senne had slept with in the past. She already knew who he was before they came into each other’s lives. But she had to admit that the question of who he’d be with after they had broken up had been on her mind.

Then again, she figured she would probably find out from him if there was anyone new. Despite not having spoken recently, it felt like that would be the right thing to do.

“Okay so as I was saying... Maybe an orgasm isn’t necessary for it to be good sex?” Amber questioned. “Goedele Liekens can preach all she wants but maybe it’s not the end all goal of being with someone you love?” Amber said.

Luca cleared her throat and frowned a little, tilting her head. “If that’s not the goal, then what is?”

“I don’t know... being intimate? Getting to know each other’s bodies. Because you love eachother?” Amber replied, a bit shocked at the question asked. “I mean, it seems pretty selfish to do it only for the sake of orgasms...”

Jana shrugged and took a sip from her cocktail, making it pretty clear that for her it was the main goal, and Luca seemed to agree. 

“It’s not like you’re going to have sex to get pregnant any time soon, right amber?” Yasmina asked, and the question made Amber realize that would be literal hell. How would she explain to her mother who the father was? How would she explain to her dad that she wasn’t cautious like he told her to. No. That was not something she was ready for. And she shook her head at Yasmina.

“So, to summarize... You use a condom. And you make sure he also pays attention to your needs.” Yasmina smiled.

“So you guys always have an orgasm when you have sex?” Amber then asked, trying to comprehend that it was seemingly a bigger part than she thought and that now she would have a certain expectation of the night, and she wasn’t sure if that was gonna change anything about the romantic evening she had planned.

“If it doesn’t happen it’s not very good sex, in my opinion.” Luca shrugged. 

“Like I said, you could do all the work yourself but if he doesn’t want to give you that pleasure then I think you should evaluate who you’re sleeping with.” Jana said. 

They then all looked to where Zoë and Yasmina were sitting, and Yasmina gave them all a raised eyebrow look before she herself looked over at Zoë.

“Zoë, did you -”

“Yes Amber, yes. I had plenty of orgasms with Senne.” Zoë snapped, rolling her eyes afterwards. Why was that even being questioned right now? “But we were in an actual relationship.”

And Zoë didn’t mean for it to come out like thàt, but somehow it did. And the last thing she wanted to do on a night like this, was judge her friend for being fooled into a one night stand with what was the biggest fuckboy of the school. And she regretted her snap response very quickly, covering her face. 

Amber was still looking at her, but she couldn’t entirely identify the look she was giving her so Zoë sighed and got up, asking Luca where the bathroom was, and Luca got up too to show Zoë. Once they both were out of hearing distance, Jana cleared her throat and looked at Amber, reaching out to hold her hand.

“I think...” Jana said cautiously. “What Zoë meant is that when it’s a hookup boys only care about themselves most of the time. But if you love one another, like you said, then it should be good for both of you.” Jana smiled. She squeezed Amber’s hand encouragingly. 

“And maybe it doesn’t work on the first try. But if it’s gonna be a part of your relationship, you need to make that clear before you start having any regrets.”

Amber frowned and looked at Yasmina, tilting her head with a smile. “And how do you have all this wisdom on the subject actually?” she asked. 

Yasmina grinned and shrugged her shoulders. “It’s the 21st century. Knowledge is power. And knowing yourself before entering a relationship, and valuing yourself while you have feelings for another person is the key to a healthy life.”


	75. Friday - 14/02/2020 - 15.59

Robbe had been essentially glued to his phone all day. And for the most part his friends hadn’t minded. He had been texting Sander non-stop, and Robbe had a hard time focussing on his final three classes after Sander had sent him a picture. Robbe was able to turn his phone away from Yasmina’s peripheral view just in time, and ever since he had been counting down the minutes. 

Getting to his bike, unlocking it and getting it through the school gates amongst the masses took far too long but when the crowds at the school entrance finally faded, Robbe spotted Sander’s identifyable bleach-blonde hair and he hurried towards him. 

“Hi.” he rushed out before colliding their lips, and if it wasn’t for Sander’s reaction to grab a hold of the steering wheel, Robbe’s bike would have dropped on the ground. Nevertheless, Sander was happy with the enthusiasm and just being there with him was worth spending the day apart. 

Because who was he kidding when he said that he wasn’t sure if Valentine’s day was their thing yet. Sander had never felt like this about anyone before, and he was always on the verge of screaming it to the rest of the world. And Robbe was out here, right in front of most of the school, embracing his boyfriend tightly in his arms in a way that nobody would interpret platonically, and he was proud of it too. If it was a day of celebrating love, then it was most certainly their thing.

“Can we please get out of here?” Robbe whispered once they broke apart. He looked at Sander holding his bike and smiled a bit shyly before he grabbed a hold of it himself. “Did you bring yours?” 

Sander shook his head, because he had other plans. But seeing Robbe’s disappointed pout was not part of the plan, and Sander’s heart broke a little. “Don’t worry baby. Let’s just go to the park, okay? A nice walk?” Sander suggested. He took a hold of Robbe’s hand and nodded encouragingly. “We have all the time in the world, I promise.”

And so they made their way to the city park, Robbe’s bike on the right side and his hand intertwined with Sander’s on the left. They picked a bench, where Sander fed Robbe St Valentine’s heart treats but this time he excused Robbe of having to sing a song to earn it unlike at St. Nicholas, joking that it might scare away the other couples in the park. 

And it was that comment that made Robbe look around, with Sander’s head leaning on his shoulder and Bowie’s “Heroes” through their shared earplugs. Robbe smiled, knowing that he was sitting in the park having a nice time with his boyfriend on Valentine’s day and that was all he’d ever wanted. And if he could tell his 15 year old self one thing, it was that in the end it would all be okay. 

Then, Robbe shifted his gaze to the sky which was getting darker and he took the earplug. “Thanks for dragging me here.” Robbe smiled softly, but then he pointed upwards. “But if we don’t leave, we’re going to get soaked.” he said. 

Sander looked around and nodded, and they headed back to the entrance of the park. “Did you eh... plan anything tonight? Any parties or something you wanna go to?” Sander asked, his hands in his pockets and uncharacteristically looking downwards to the little rocks on the park’s pathway. He wasn’t sure why he was asking, since Robbe would’ve mentioned a party by now if there was one he wanted to go to. But perhaps Sander felt like having the confirmation, that it would just be the two of them, would help.

“No. No parties.” Robbe said, shaking his head. “Just you.” he said softly, hoping it would get Sander to look at him. And when he did, he smiled again. He couldn’t stop smiling if he was being honest. But he also knew what Sander was going with in this conversation. “Can we just... watch a movie? Be together? I don’t need fancy restaurants or a hotel or anything. I just need you. I...”

“Okay.” Sander smiled when he looked up, and then tilted his head. “Then we should go to my place. Because last night my parents left to go to Paris for an extended weekend. So I have the place all to myself.” he smiled.

And it quickly became clear to Robbe that he had been willingly following along to Sander’s plan for the day the entire time. But he was perfectly fine with that, as he grabbed Sander’s hand again. “Sander...” Robbe said with the biggest lovesick smile on his face as they arrived to the intersection. Nobody had ever made that much effort for him. Picking him up by the school, taking him for a walk through the park… “I…”

He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say in that moment. Probably something like ‘Thank you for showing me that this day can be spent in a way other than self-loathing.’, but those words couldn’t be formed on his lips right now. So instead of words, Robbe used actions and he leaned in for a kiss, right where they stood at the intersection waiting for the crossing signal to turn green. 

Yet when it did, neither of them had eyes for it, lost in a kiss within their bubble where only they matter. They just stood there for a minute, ignoring the wind and the cold around them and just letting their passion do the talking in an uninhibited way. 

They arrive at Sander’s only a short walk later, and after locking up his bike outside Robbe pushed the button on the elevator again, giving Sander a knowing smirk. “So am I going to walk into candles and rosepeddles or...?”

Sander smiled and shook his head “No, that would’ve been a fire hazard.” Sander said. Although now that it was mentioned, Sander couldn’t help but feel like he should’ve put in a tiny bit more effort. His entire focus had been on how to overcome their time apart until 4PM, and going for a nice walk before they got to his place. But from there on out he hadn’t actually planned much else, and he felt like maybe Robbe expected him too.

That was when Robbe cautiously tilted up Sander’s head, and their lips met once more in the softest and most gentle way, a total contrast to the kiss outside on the crossing near the park. But it felt right. Because they don’t need grand gestures or romantic dates in order to express to each other how they felt. Yet still, in this moment, Sander felt like he had to do something. Say something. 

“Maybe there’s another universe where another version of me risked the firehazard for roses and candles.” he said, a soft smile on his lips. Robbe’s hand cupped the side of his face. “But I’m still glad that we live in this one.”

They made it into the apartment and they took their time untying their shoes and hanging up their coats. Robbe even went as far as asking Sander if he could borrow a charger, knowing that they have the rest of the night to be together in whatever way they wanted to. And so Sander grabbed a charger and handed it over to Robbe, earning another kiss in return. 

“So your parents always go to Paris?” Robbe then asked, as he plugged his phone next to the tv and then he turned around, taking in the sight of Sander in his own home and Robbe’s heart made a little jump. After school he had little to no restraint, but being in public helped to clear his head of the rush of emotions. But now, seeing Sander there in his comfortable environment, Robbe couldn’t help but be reminded that they were alone, with nobody possibly interrupting him. And he couldn’t help his body’s response to that prospect.

“Yeah. It’s their thing. My mom went on exchange to Paris so she loves the city...” Sander said, his arms resting on the headrests on the couch. And in contrast to the casual conversation, he was eyeing Robbe’s movements cautiously, registering how he licked his lips and then how he was walking towards him.

Robbe hummed as he put his hands on both Sander’s shoulders, and he placed his knees on either side of Sander’s legs, causing the couch to dip between the two of them, and Sander’s gaze remained fixed on his boyfriend while his hands instinctively slid to Robbe’s legs.

“What the hell did I do to deserve you.” Sander breathed, and Robbe responded by leaning a bit closer, brushing Sander’s nose without his own. He sighed happily and whispered a soft “I love you”, amplified by the strong beating of his heart which he was sure Sander could sense at this point. 

“Mhm.” Sander murmured with a quiet smile, resting his forehead against Robbe’s and pulling him closer with a hand on the back of his head. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to rush towards him and erase the physical distance between them. But he relished in the lingering. In the way Robbe seemingly opened up some part of his soul to him, just the two of them sitting here. And Sander felt more like home than he ever had between the walls of this apartment.

“I love you too. I’m... so gone for you Robbe Ijzermans. You have no idea.” Sander sighed. He took a hold of Robbe’s hand slowly, and placed it on his own chest, allowing Robbe to feel the beating of his heart. “This is yours. 100%. In every universe. All yours.” Sander whispered.

He then smiled happily before pressing their lips together. He closed his eyes, pulling Robbe closer to him, his hands running along his boyfriend’s back. 

Robbe tilted his boyfriend’s chin up to deepen the kiss, making Sander sigh into his mouth. Sander adjusted his hips, causing Robbe to squirm in his lap a little and Sander could feel every bit of his body responsive to every little movement Robbe made. It was too much of a delightful sensation for either of them to really want to give it up. 

“Oh, the things you do to me.” Sander breathed, once Robbe started kissing away from his mouth. Robbe chuckled while kissing Sander’s jaw, and Sander could sense a small pause before Robbe leaned in closer to his ear, his hand in the meantime holding on steady to Sander’s other shoulder. “Just wait until later tonight.” Robbe whispered, feeling all of the courage in his body centered around his heart right now, which was beating like a thousand times an hour. 

He had never done this before. They had teased each other, and they had exchanged promises. But this felt like it was new territory. And so it was no surprise when Sander leaned back to look into Robbe’s eyes, and melting entirely due to the softness that he could see in them. And the fact that his boyfriend was such a mysterious combination of soft and at the same time very determined to express his love for him, made Sander groan. “Fuck yes.” Sander nodded.

And he could wait, yes. Neither of them felt like they had to do anything right now. Sitting on the couch, together, was just as intimate as anything they could do behind the door to Sander’s bedroom. And Robbe smiled, because he felt Sander adjust below him once more. “How about that movie first then?” he suggested, and Sander nodded, before pressing another kiss on Robbe’s lips and then grabbing a hold of his knee, lifting him up a bit. 

Robbe complied, moving next to Sander on the couch and he couldn’t help but smirk when Sander grabbed a pillow and strategically placed it on his lap. He got a bit more comfortable himself too. He then checked to see if his phone was still charging over by the tv, before turning back to look at Sander. “Hey, eh... That picture from Tuesday...” 

Sander hummed in reply, focused on the tv where he tried to launch Netflix. 

“You said you liked it, right?” Robbe asked, and the uncertainty in his voice made Sander look up and he nodded, pulling Robbe in for a kiss.

“I did like it. It was really nice.” Sander smiled adorably. What he probably liked the most about it was the fact that Robbe trusted him enough to send those type of pictures, and that he felt comfortable enough to talk about it afterwards.

“Are you keeping it though?” Robbe then asked, and Sander frowned a bit in surprise to the questin, but Robbe seemed to have already thought this through. “It’s just... I know you like to use pictures as references for your drawings.” Robbe explained. “But it was kind of a thing in the moment. And maybe... I don’t know...”

“Oh.” Sander straightened his shoulders and pulled out his phone, going into his gallery right away. “Okay. No, Robbe, it’s okay if you don’t want me to keep it.” he said, his left hand coming up to softly graze his boyfriend’s cheek with his thumb.

Robbe wrapped his both arms around Sander’s lower arm that was reached out towards him, smiling brightly because Sander never failed to make him feel like communicating how he felt was a a good thing.

“There, deleted.” Sander said as he showed Robbe the screen when he did so, and then he leaned in, resting his cheek on his captured arm and just admiring his gorgeous boyfriend. “You can always talk to me about that stuff. I just want you to be comfortable.” Sander said, his other hand coming to push some of Robbe’s hair out of his face.

Robbe nodded and pressed a kiss to Sanders hand, and Sander chuckled because of the way Robbe was holding it. “Okay then koala, how about you chose a movie and let go of my hand so that I make us some dinner. Are you hungry?”

“Starving.” Robbe nodded.

“I bet.” Sander said, aware of the fact that Robbe and his mom had the habbit of eating dinner pretty early.

Sander smiled and got up from the couch, walking over to the kitchen and peaking into the fridge. He observed the different shelves of the fridge, and then pulled out the ham and cheese. “I have ingredients for croques.” he smirked, grabbing bread from another cabinet. 

“Perfect.” Robbe smiled back.


	76. Chapter 76

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Promises to stick to single chapters for the month of February in this fic  
> Also me: ... this
> 
> Let the Valentine's day extravaganza continue with part two!

“Can I help?” Robbe said looking at the ingredients displayed on the counter, and to that Sander shook his head. 

“No no, it’s fine. You can taste them afterwards. That was your contribution by the beachside too if I recall correctly.” he smiled, thinking back fondly to the memory of them cooking together at the beach trip. Back when they were essentially still strangers, trying to navigate around each other in the tiny kitchen, allowing for those few small touches. 

Sander had lived for that time they had for themselves at the beach. The secrecy of it all. Talking to the guy that had captured his attention from the very first time he had seen him. And now... now they talked all the time. And they didn’t belong with anyone else than each other. And they shared as many touches as they wanted.

“Yeah but I can help this time.” Robbe said, already getting up from his seat. He quickly washed his hands and then he stood next to Sander, who just fondly smiled because there wasn’t much he could say no to when it came to Robbe and his willingness to improve and learn certain things.

“You’re cute.” Sander smiled.

Robbe blushed at the words. “Okay so bread.” he said, clearing his throat and Sander passed him the loaf while he heated up a pan with some baking oil. “Cheese, ham.” Robbe narrated his movements, as he cut square slices of both, before piling them up and then passing the prepped croque over to Sander “You’re up.” 

Sander chuckled and took Robbe’s prepped slice and added it to the pan. “Look at you go.” Sander praised. “But do make sure they’re equal shape okay? Nice squares...” he then teased, drawing a square in front of him with his fingers.

Robbe rolled his eyes, his three slices so far being perhaps a bit off in size but whatever. “They’re made with love, that’s all that matters. Size isn’t important...” 

They both exchanged a look, before they bursted out laughing and Sander shook his head. “Mind out of the gutter, Ijzermans. I’m cooking here.” 

Robbe shook his head, because Sander was in no position to give him that comment, but Robbe decided to just continue with the preparation of the food, and the rest he would deal with later tonight. He then checked how much bread was left, and he calculated 5 croques between the two of them should be enough, finishing up the final one within a few minutes.

“Done. Was I not a good sous-chef?” Robbe smiled, doing a 180 and leaning his back against the counter with pride.

“Well, I don’t know if a good sous-chef would distract the head chef with innuendos, but...”

Robbe laughed, and then he moved behind Sander, and wrapped his arms around his waist. “What? Am I distracting you?” Robbe said, chin resting on Sander’s shoulder. “Can I not make innuendos about dicks when you’re cooking?” 

Sander leaned back a bit in Robbe’s embrace, and smiled. “I don’t mind.” Sander said, turning his head so he can kiss his boyfriend. “But it’s time to eat so you should really return back to your seat.” 

Robbe looked at the pile of delicious croques that Sander was creating on the left side of the stove, and he pressed a final kiss on Sander’s lips before he let go of him again. ”Ketchup? Mayo?” he asked, and Sander tilted his head towards the fridge. “Both.” 

Sander watched as Robbe grabbed the condaments, before grabbing two plates and setting the table for both of them. He then flipped over the final croque and once it was done he added it onto the pile, before sliding it across the island right in front of their seats. “Bon appetit.” 

Robbe waited until Sander was seated opposite him to cut one in half, and taking a bite out of it, moaning at the taste of it. It became clear that these were not some regular cheap ass ham and cheese from Colruyt in Lombardsijde. 

“Good?” Sander asked, and Robbe nodded with his mouth full. 

“I could eat this every single day.” Robbe replied. “As long as you’re the one making them.” 

Robbe’s calculations also ended up being right, and they both finished the final croque shared between them. When Sander got up from the table and grabbed their plates, Robbe moved quickly and grabbed Sander’s both hands as soon as they were empty. “Do you think we could wait with the dishes?” 

Sander looked at Robbe, and smiled looking down at their intertwined hands. “What did you have in mind we do instead?” he asked, looking up through his lashes.

The kiss that followed was a sweet one, and they both smiled into it a they hold each other’s hands. “Can we watch a movie?” Robbe suggested. He then looked back at the living room, and the full cinema system that the Driesen family had. It would be a shame not to use it. 

“You can decide the movie, as long as it’s not like... the notebook.” Robbe offered, even if it meant watching a romantic comedy. Which Robbe didn’t mind in general, but watching a straight couple fall in love in some cliché plot on Valentine’s day was not what he had in mind and it would not set the mood for the rest of the night.

Sander smiled and he untangled their fingers before his hands started softly rubbing up Robbe’s arms, and resting on his shoulders. “We... could do that, yes.” Sander said, glancing over at the TV. He then looked back at Robbe and saw the questioning look on his face, and Sander bit his lip before he locked his arms behind Robbe’s neck. “Or we can just go to my room. And chill there for a little bit?”

“Sander...” Robbe warned. “If we go to your room, you damn well know we won’t leave that room until morning.”

“So... we watch a movie tomorrow afternoon instead?” Sander smiled adorably, and Robbe contemplated, his hands making soothing motions on Sander’s sides. And as he did, he saw Sander abolutely melt into his touch, and Robbe was mesmerized. He reached up to place his hand at the back of Sander’s head, and watched how it caused Sander to close his eyes with a pleased smile. 

“I have to go to Zoë’s birthday dinner tomorrow.” Robbe said, leaning his forehead against Sander.

Sander looked at him and recalled Robbe mentioning it earlier, at the park. “Oh, okay.”

Robbe didn’t fail to notice the slight dissappointment, and he sighed deeply, thinking of having to leave this little bubble of theirs. This was already the most amazing Valentine’s day he had ever experienced, and so far they had only done the most domestic stuff. A walk in the park. Making out on the couch. And eating croques. But Robbe was a simple guy. He didn’t need much more. Or... well maybe one thing... 

The thought of leaving again tomorrow made Robbe cast his eyes downwards, because it reminded him of all the things he had to do when he got home. Get his gym clothes into the laundry for class on Monday. Greasing up the chain of his bike. Somehow finding the time to visit his grandpa in the retirement home for this 75th birthday next wednesday...

Sander could tell that he was losing his boyfriend to the outside world again, where they had responsibilities and things to do, and he didn’t want them to have to worry about that right now. He wanted this night to just be for them. 

“Hey, hey...” Sander said, putting both hands on the side of Robbe’s face and locking eyes with him. He kissed him, soft and slowly, and that seemed to be enough to bring Robbe’s thoughts back to him. “We’ll see about tomorrow, okay? We’re going day by day right now. And today, we can watch a movie.” Sander agreed. 

Robbe smiled and leaned in closer, giving Sander eskimo kisses for a bit. He thanked whatever entity that controlled destiny and had brought Sander into his life. He felt like he was forever indebted to the universe. “Okay. Have you decided on a movie yet?” he asked with his eyes closed. 

Sander nodded, but then realized Robbe couldn’t tell. “Yes. I thought we could watch Moonlight?” Sander suggested. “It’s a...” Sander tried to find the right words to describe the masterpiece he recalled watching two years ago. “A coming of age film, I guess. But it’s also so much more.” Sander smiled.

Robbe opened his eyes again and blinked a few times, before frowning. Sander chuckled, and started walking with Robbe to the couch. “You don’t know it? It was an oscar nominee for best picture a few years ago...” Sander said, as he positioned himself in the same spot on the couch before, which made Robbe believe it was his designated spot. And so he decided his spot would be right next to him.

Sander then looked for the movie on Netflix and pressed play. Pushing some buttons on the remote to switch on the ambilight and the home cinema settings of the tv, the living room was completely transformed which made Robbe gasp a little bit. “My dad’s prized posession, this thing.” Sander commented, before he put down the remote and moved himself into a comfortable position. 

Robbe observed him for a moment, causing Sander to look at him with a raised eyebrow but Robbe just shook his head, indicating that it was nothing as the movie’s opening scene started playing. And throughout the next few minutes Robbe tried to give the movie his best effort of capturing his attenton. However it didn’t take long until Robbe’s eyes were glued to the screen, as he followed along with the traumatic events in the first chapter of the story. 

Robbe could guess around 7 minutes into the movie why Sander had chosen this one to watch. It was no action movie or a romantic comedy, but a masterclass in cinematography and even Robbe felt like he could appreciate the way that the story was shaped by the way it was filmed and crafted. Of course he knew that Sander would be able to narrate all of the interesting choices, because he had that lense on the inside of his eyes that just made it possible for him to see the artistic sides of it. But Robbe was thankful that they were just watching in silence, because Robbe’s eyes were glued to the screen. He was entirely invested in the story, following along with Chiron’s life and paying attention to the scenes. Only a few times, when a scene would get a bit too close to home, Robbe would avert his gaze and he would quickly glance at Sander who in return would squeeze Robbe’s hand resting in his.

“Fuck.” Robbe sighed when the movie finished, letting go of Sander and leaning forward. “That was so good. It.. It was good, right? Did it win, the oscar?”

Sander nodded, smiling. “Best film and best supporting actor.” Sander confirmed. He remembered googling the results the day after the 2017 award ceremony and smiling brightly at seeing it had won. In his opinion it was more than well deserved.

“Yeah I totally get that.” Robbe nodded. He then checked the time on Sander’s phone before looking back at Sander, only to blush with the gaze he was receiving from his boyfriend. “What?”

“Nothing. It’s just...” Sander shrugged. He couldn’t put words to it. “I didn’t mention ahead of time what the movie was about. But you really liked it then?” Sander asked. 

Robbe nodded. “Yeah. I did. I mean... I guess it’s not a movie I would usually gravitates towards to...” Robbe said, a frown on his face. He had never even heard of it until Sander made the suggestion.

“It’s not an MCU film you mean?” Sander joked. 

Robbe looked up at him and rolled his eyes. “Sandeer.” he groaned. Robbe knew he would never escape the teasing from Sander about his love for the Marvel franchise. And yes, okay, compared to briljant and intricate works like Moonlight it did fade a bit in comparison. But still...

“Sorry, sorry. You were saying...”

“I was saying, like... I think it’s good movies like that are being made now.” Robbe said, looking down at his crossed legs and the way his fingers were occupying themselves. And three years ago or whatever I don’t think I would’ve been able to watch stuff like this. Cause I would be too wrapped up in it, and it would be too confronting, I guess.” Robbe admitted. He swallowed deeply, and Sander’s gaze dropped when he realized Robbe was thinking back to a time where he felt those hateful emotions towards himself.

“I’m sorry baby. I did not mean for that to bring back those feelings for you...”

“No, it’s okay. It’s fine.” Robbe said, shaking his head. He then allowed Sander to pull him closer and he sighed deeply. “I just... I know it took me a while to get over that stuff. And I feel like it could help other people if they could see this. I guess... I don’t know.” Robbe said, deciding to settle in the embrace and resting his head on Sander’s chest. This was comfortable. He wished he had been laying like this for the entire movie. The soothing motions from Sander’s hand on his back were also helping.

They just stayed like that for a while, Sander’s motions going on autopilot, only pausing whenever Robbe would strain his neck to look at him in case he’d prefer him to stop. But he didn’t object to anything, and Sander kept the silence going for a few more minutes until he noticed Robbe’s phone screen light up with an incoming call. 

Robbe noticed it too, and he rose out of his mellow state to look up, and then quickly getting out of Sander’s hold to walk up to his phone, pulling out the charger to put it to his ear. 

“Oh fuck sorry mama. Yeah no I’m at Sander’s.” “Yeah I know I said I didn’t know what we were going to do yet. But I’m staying here tonight.” “Yes mom, we will.” “No, I have dinner with my roommates remember.” “Yeah good idea.” “Okay mom. Goodnight.”

Robbe put down the phone again and sighed deeply, covering his face with his hand in shame. “I forgot to tell my mom.”

“Robbe...” Sander said, shaking his head judgingly. He got up from the couch himself and walked towards him.

“She sent me 7 texts too.” Robbe said, showing the texts to Sander. 

Sander clicked his tongue and ruffled through his boyfriend’s hair. “I would have texted her myself if I'd known you didn’t inform her.” he said as he walked back towards the kitchen. Robbe followed him with his eyes, and he lifted his chin when a question came to mind.

“Do your parents always know when you’re over at my place?” he asked. 

Sander looked up, before he started to load the dishes into the dishwasher. “I always let them know when I won’t sleep at home. They don’t always know where I am specifically though.”

“Such a rebel you are.” Robbe laughed and walked into the kitchen too, recalling he’d promised to be helpful today but as he watched Sander load up the dishwasher he realized there wasn’t much work to be done by the two of them so he jumped onto the counter and decided to just simply watch.

“Actually I’m just that old that I can be out by myself without curfew.” Sander replied, giving Robbe a charming smile. And Robbe guessed that was the smile he fell in love with. The one that convinced him to go on a random grocery trip with a complete stranger. That look by the campfire at the beach. Or when they bought cheap alcohol on the night of their first kiss. When they had their first official date and Sander asked him whose place they were going to go to. Or when Sander surprised him in a full St. Nicholas costume outside of the hotel.

“Yeah, good thing I’m into older guys.” he smiled. He watched Sander press some buttons on the dishwasher, and then heard the buzzing of it starting before Sander stood back up and walked over to where Robbe was sitting on the counter, waiting. And when he felt Sander’s hands on his knees, Robbe did not hesitate to pull him in closer and make room for his boyfriend between his legs, smiling sweetly. 

“You like older guys, huh?” Sander smiled, before finally, how long had it been already?, connecting their lips again. The kiss felt all-consuming and desperate, but both of them would be lying if they said they hadn’t been thinking about this moment several times in the course of today. 

Sander slipped his tongue through Robbe’s lips effortlessly, like they’ve done so many times before. Robbe greeted it, in delight. He felt Sander’s hands snake up on his thighs, and responded by arching his back into him. He clinged to Sander, pulling him closer. When Sander started kissing side of his neck he moaned.

It was going to happen tonight, he decided. He made up his mind, shifting the gears full speed ahead and drowning into the feeling of loving and being loved. Completely willingly surrendering to what his body needed right now, both of their breaths picking up pace quickly. 

It was a bit overwhelming, finally allowing themselves to go there and Robbe wasn’t sure how much more he could take before it would be too much and they wouldn’t even make it to the comfort of a bed anymore.

“Sander...” Robbe said when they rested against each other’s forehead for a few moments. They were trying to catch their breath. Robbe’s lips lingered on Sander’s skin, barely more than a whisper as to not break the spell by making a sound. “I want to feel you.” he whispered, hands roaming up and down Sander’s chest. 

Sander could feel himself melting under Robbe’s touch. “Yes, of course.” Sander breathed. He smiled and kissed Robbe again, tilting his chin up towards him and deepening the kiss.

“Let’s go to my room then.” Sander agreed a few moments later, and Robbe mourned the loss of Sander’s lips on his instantly, but he knew it would be replaced by something better soon enough. He jumped off the counter and allowed Sander to take his hand and walk them both towards his room, just barely able to grab his phone with him.

As soon as they made it through the door, Robbe wasted no time to get their bodies flush together. The heat radiating from both of them was absolutely ridiculous, to the point where Sander thought that there might be a fire hazard after all. Every touch, every kiss, the way Robbe gently moved Sander’s head to the side by his chin so that he could kiss down his neck, was making his heart beat faster.

And truthfully, Sander shouldn’t be this surprised anymore at this point. This had been going on for a while. The texts, the surprise of feeling Robbe’s hand slip down his back pocket, sending him links, pictures...

Robbe was still unsure in so many situations, and Sander had felt him tense up when a group of guys walked by them on the park earlier, or when they got a dirty look from an old lady they walked by on the street. But there was also this side of him that he had been allowing to appear more often lately. Acting in defiance to the people who told him that their love was wrong. Kissing Sander on the corner of a busy intersection. Suggesting they ditch his friends when they were all hanging out together in favor of being alone somewhere.

And Sander had his ideas about where it all came from, and what it would mean for the rest of the night. But if it felt anything like this, then he was absolutely, 100% on board with it.


	77. Friday - 14/02/2020 - 21.21

Robbe was glad they made it to the bedroom as his fingers were now dancing around on Sander’s soft sheets and his head rested on a soft pillow. There was a dull ache in his legs, and a buzzing feeling under his skin. His breaths were slow and deep, his heartbeat just reaching a normal steady pace again. 

Robbe liked what happened after sex just as much as what happened before. He loved the soft streams of hot water to reflect and relive what they just did. Half of the time, Sander would join him in the shower afterwards, claiming that they saved water if they showered together but Robbe argued that it wasn’t technically true if they ended up needing another one. But sometimes they just stayed in bed. Allowing their bodies to melt into the mattress, and to give their muscles a break.

Right now, Robbe had opted for that. Because he had a suggestion on his mind, and he was convinced the only right thing to do was to talk about it beforehand, and so he didn’t want it to be a thing in the heat of the moment. No matter how much he also wanted to get in Sander’s shower with it’s perfect waterpressure.

Robbe shifted on the bed. His hand snuck back under the pillow, raising his head a little. It made Sander look up, and Robbe smiled in return. Sander reached out for him, running a hand over Robbe’s shoulder, down his arm. A soft touch. Then, he pressed an equally soft kiss onto his lips. Just barely a touch. But it was there. It made Robbe want to close the very small distance between them, and lean up against Sander, feel his embrace, and fall asleep. 

Except he couldn’t. He couldn’t still the hunger inside of him. The curiosity. The wanting force. The need to experience what it felt like. 

Robbe knew it was a bit ridiculous, perhaps, that he felt it so intensely. That perhaps he could’ve mentioned it weeks ago and he would have already known what it was like. But Robbe had fought many demons. And he had learned how to be patient with getting what he wanted, craved for. He knew that if he went too fast, he would be right there for the taking, allowing the dark thoughts and insecurities to consume him. The idea that he was pushing something onto the boy he loved unwantedly, the mere thought of doing this without thinking it through, was scaring him.

This way was good, Robbe concluded. And he had Sander to thank for it. For giving him the chance to explore his bravery. For taking everything he wanted to try up to this point and being supportive, giving Robbe the space within their relationship to develop his desires, his experiences. 

Sander could have blocked everything. He could have said no. And Robbe would have not given it more thought if he had, because they both had their sexual preferences and one’s wasn’t more important than the other. 

As long as they communicated about them, and gave each other the option to say no. Those had been Sander’s rules. Robbe smiled softly thinking back to Sander calling them rules... But he was glad they had been there, while he was on this journey with himself.

Robbe looked up, wondering what was on Sander’s mind. Knowing Sander, he was probably thinking back to the cinematography of the movie they had just watched, and Robbe’s heart swelled at the thought that Sander could be so at peace next to him that his inner artist would have free range of his thoughts.

He reached out to Sander’s chest, trailing a single finger down his chest, before he dragged a swirling line along his side. It was his way of drawing Sander back to him. Back to the land of words and touch. “Does this tickle?” he asked, and Sander shook his head. 

Sander reached out for Robbe’s hand on his chest, tackling his index finger with his own before intertwining their fingers together. Robbe could tell by the way Sander was looking at their hands together, that he was planning on drawing them, just like this. He was making mental notes. So Robbe was right. Sander’s inner artist was front and center in his mind right now. 

“God, I wanna draw you like this so badly.” Sander said,then letting go of Robbe’s hand again in favor of reaching up to roam through Robbe’s brown hair, all disheveled and messy. Sander’s hand then dropped to the blush on Robbe’s cheeks, and Robbe leaned in to the touch. All the while, Robbe kept his gaze on him.

“Then go get your sketchbook.” he smiled, causing Sander to blink. Robbe nodded in confirmation and smiled sweetly. He could indulge Sander for a little bit. Three minutes later, Sander’s hands were moving in quick motions, pencilling onto the sketchbook paper and Robbe just watched him draw, like he had done at the park earlier, because there was nothing sexier than his boyfriend doing what he loved. 

Meanwhile it allowed Robbe to absorb the way Sander’s skin looked in the moonlight, and the way his face became all serious, and focused. He had first noticed it when he went to find Sander at his school to get him to forgive him. Seeing Sander in the middle of his art class had been a revelation. He looked so relaxed, but at the same time he was focused on the task at hand. It was a bit different to see him in a class room when it was all about his academics, versus watching him work on his art right now, when he was just letting that creativity out whenever it rose to the surface. 

Robbe loved the fact that Sander was so passionate about something. Robbe loved Sander, full stop. 

And it was a total coincidence, but just when that thought appeared in Robbe’s head, Sander looked at him and smiled. He showed Robbe the rough draft of what he’d been working on the last couple of minutes and Robbe hummed in agreement when Sander asked if he liked it. 

“Just a draft though.” Sander spoke, more to himself than to Robbe actually, and as he rested his pencil on his thumb he decided that he would perhaps get back to it later. But right now, he realized, he had taken up enough of their time together to draw.

“Nothing compared to the real thing.” he smiled, leaning in for a kiss “I love you. Thank you for being my muze.” 

Sander was leaning on his side, his leg bent vertically, causing a tent in the dark blue sheets and he allowed his eyes to roam for a moment, much like he knew Robbe had been doing to him the entire time he was drawing. He noticed how if he moved his leg to the right a bit, the sheet exposed more of Robbe’s skin from where it was covering half of his back. 

“You tired?” Sander asked, blinking away from that line between exposed skin and the sheets to look at Robbe, and then he tilted his head so it was at the same angle as Robbe’s. Awaiting a reply, he traced the outline of Robbe’s eyebrow with his thumb, causing Robbe to close his eyes for a moment and he sighed, before opening them again and shaking his head. 

“No, I’m not tired.”

But he could understand why Sander would think so. He hadn’t moved that much, laying down on his stomach with his hands burried under the pillow. But he wasn’t tired. He was just soaking up the moment and watching the moonlight from outside reflect onto Sander’s skin.

“You?” he asked, his eyes fixed on the rise and fall of Sander’s chest with his breaths. When he blinked and looked up, Sander was smiling at him. 

“I did just do most of the work...” he smirked, and Robbe rolled his eyes.

“You’re so humble...” Robbe smiled, now rising onto his elbows.

Sander grinned and leaned in for a kiss, Robbe moving along and rolling onto his back again. 

“You can do the work next time then. I bet I will never hear the end of it if you do.” Sander smiled against his boyfriend’s lips.

And with that comment, Robbe’s eyes fluttered open, looking into Sander’s intense gaze. Falling. Drowning into them. They were talking without saying a single word. An unspoken question. A want. A desire. Could they be thinking about the same thing?

Robbe’s eyes shifted between Sander’s lips and his eyes, tempted, right on the edge of letting himself fall into that feeling. He could just surge forward right now. A ‘yes, I want to’. In the heat of the moment.

A few moments passed, and Robbe decided to reach up and run his hand through Sander’s hair, smiling. Breaking the spell. “I love you.”

“Then show me.” Sander replied, and Robbe blinked a few times. There it was again. He could almost visualize Sander reaching out to him, and he felt that warm feeling in his chest wash over his entire being. He recognized that Sander was giving him something. That this was the chance to make the moment his. Robbe almost couldn’t handle the fact that Sander was currently being so open, so accepting and so inviting to anything that Robbe would want in this moment. 

And so he eagerly reached up with no more reservations, kissing into Sander’s lips before pulling him down towards him with the hand at the back of his neck, demanding more. He pulled Sander closer, removing the bundled up sheet from between them in order to feel skin on skin and then, in a swift move, Robbe turned them around so he could look down at his boyfriend, his head surrounded by pillows as Robbe hoovered over him. 

Every single time Robbe had touched himself in the last two weeks – and he was a 16 year old boy so that happened more than once a day – he had seen this behind his closed eyelids. That look that Sander was giving him now. Then, Sander’s chin dipped into a soft nod. 

Sander threw his head back when Robbe started to kiss all over his chest, and it didn’t take long for Robbe to pull out all the stops with the same nipple trick he used the first time they were like this, naked in a bed together. 

Sander found his hand sliding into Robbe’s hair, and his other hand grasped the sheets. Robbe looked up for a moment, taking a small pause and soaking up the look on Sander’s face, and the intense gaze when he opened his eyes again. But Robbe had stopped for a purpose, and as he moved the dark blue bedsheets below Sander’s belly button, Sander’s chest rose and fell quickly in anticipation. All Robbe had to do was raise an eyebrow with a playful smile, to get a nonverbal yes from Sander, nodding quickly. 

Sander let out a moan when Robbe’s lips reached their destination, and a few months ago Robbe would be surprised that he was able to draw those sounds out of another guy, but since then he had learned and they both had a comfortable knowledge of each other’s bodies, which included the fact that sex was not always limited to a once in one night.

“Do you want to go for round two?” Robbe whispered in Sander’s ear after he slowly moved his way back up, placing some more kisses on Sander’s chest and not forgetting about the other nipple that did not get the proper attention before.

Sander nodded, unable to form words at the moment. He felt like he was floating. Yet at the same time he felt like he was submerged under water and the outside world was above the surface, the delicious feeling that he achieved whenever they were both just entirely wrapped up in one another. It was just the two of them. Like in that pool months ago...

“Wait.” Sander then said, and despite not wanting to make Robbe stop, he did so anyways. “I have an idea.” he said, and he sat upright, looking at Robbe with a sparkle in his eyes and his lips curved into a smile. “Kom.” Sander said quickly, taking the hand of the boy looking at him in confusion.

“Wha... Sander seriously? Where...” Robbe was confused, because for a moment it seemed like Sander was dragging him out to the hallway outside his bedroom, but then Robbe caught on as Sander opened the door to the bathroom adjacent to his room.

“We’re taking a bath together.” Sander announced.

“A bath?” Robbe asked, eyeing the separate shower instead. He felt like the shower would certainly be more practical. But he didn’t really have an actual preference, and he also wanted to do what Sander liked. Still, he was a bit conflicted. 

“Sander, I just...”

That was when Sander put two hands on Robbe’s face, redirecting his gaze to himself from where Robbe had been looking around the bathroom. “I know.” he said, before pressing another kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. “Just trust me.” Sander whispered. 

And Robbe decided that he did. And so when Sander allowed the tub to fill and he climbed in, Robbe laughed when Sander held out his hand for him to join. Luckily the tub was spacious, giant compared to the one Robbe had seen in other people’s houses. But then again he already knew the Driesen family weren’t shy of some luxury. In this moment, Robbe wasn’t complaining. And Robbe felt like it was almost taking too long, but Sander was right there to hold him and kiss him and turn his impatience into comfort as the water rose and filled up the tub.

They sat on opposite sides, and Sander leaned his head on his shoulder when he noticed the marvel on Robbe’s face. “You like it?” he asked, and Robbe nodded. Sander was glad about that, and he reached for Robbe’s leg near him. “Are you sore?” Sander then asked. 

Robbe didn’t answer at first, his head leaning against the edge of the tub and he just allowed himself to be surrounded by the warm water. He heard a bottle open, and an aroma filled the air around them. He concluded then and there that they needed to do this more often.

“Baby, I thought you weren’t tired? I wouldn’t have dragged you into a body of water if you’re gonna pass out on me.” Sander laughed. 

Now Robbe did peak his eye open, which seemed to please Sander. And as he moved his hand along the skin of Robbe’s leg once more, Robbe recalled the question from earlier. “Little bit.” he admitted. Nothing he couldn’t handle, but certainly something a nice warm bath could help alleviate.

And so Sander’s hands didn’t stop what they were doing. They keep touching Robbe’s skin, putting some pressure on the muscles he has reach over. The water was making soft swooshing noises because Sander was going very slow, working his way up. And Robbe’s eyes closed again, as he let his other senses take in the sensations.

He could feel Sander’s hands sliding along his outer thighs and that’s when Robbe’s first labored breath escapes his lips. He licked his lips in a way that’s most delicious for Sander to observe. Sander realized he wanted to feel, and he noticed Robbe’s surprise when he turned around and leaned his back against Robbe’s chest but soon enough they found a comfortable way to sit like that. And Sander liked it. It was quickly becoming one of his favorite things.

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?” Sander said, before he gently stoked his fingertips over Robbe’s arms holding him. His head was leaning on Robbe’s left shoulder, right above his heart. “Anything about us...”

Robbe’s eyes opened at it, but this time not in surprise. He knew. He knew this was Sander’s way of providing him with a way to talk while in the upper most state of relaxation. And truthfully, Robbe needed this.

“There is... Well... I do want to try something...” Robbe spoke softly. He leaned forward, kissing in Sander’s damp hair. 

Sander hummed, a bit lost in the feeling of the now roaming hands on his body.

“What would you say if I said...” he swallowed, in this moment perhaps glad Sander couldn’t see the blush on his cheeks. “I mean, it’s just an idea...”

“Robbe...” Sander said, in a way that wasn’t exactly demanding or annoyed, but Robbe knew he was also being ridiculous. They had sex half an hour ago, so he should be able to say this. 

“I never got to… Experience what it was like. With Noor I couldn’t.. And… I think I kinda want to be the one to fuck you.” Robbe spoke, talking faster by the end of it, then closing his eyes and biting his lip nervously, awaiting an answer.

When the water moved, and Robbe could feel Sander move away from him, he feared the worst. He feared he had suggested something that Sander was not into, and that he had been reading everything wrong. And that meant that he had probably made too big of a deal of this, if it wasn’t gonna happen, and - 

“Yes. I want that.” 

Wait. Seriously? Robbe’s eyes shot open. He looked at Sander, who smiled at him softly. “Really? You wanna try it?” Robbe asked. He had to be sure. 

“Yeah.” Sander said, then taking advantage of the weightlessness of the water to lift himself and he moved to sit in Robbe’s lap, now facing him and on top of him instead of in front of him. 

“I like making you feel good.” Sander said, before he leaned to kiss down Robbe’s neck and his shoulder. “I wanna know what it feels like. With someone else, not just myself.” 

Robbe blinked, his mind needing a minute to get a hold of reality. Himself? What? It was hilarious, truthfully. Because in all the time that Robbe had been working up the courage to ask, he had never imagined that Sander might have the same interest. 

“You’ve tried it yourself?” Robbe asked, stammering. He did not know where Sander got the courage from to just casually mention that type of stuff. It had taken him weeks to come to the realization that him wanting them to switch did not mean he hated the sex they had up until now. Like, thirty minutes ago. It would just be different. For both of them.

“A little.” Sander replied. He then looked at Robbe and smiled. “But I want you.” he said confidently. ”I’ve just been waiting for you to mention it. Because I know you’re on a journey.” Sander said, now going back to kissing down Robbe’s neck.

And as much as he liked the idea of a relaxing bath and the warmth of it, he also knew that the bathtub wasn’t the most practical way to go about this. 

“Okay well, then, eh...”

“Relax, baby. We’re not gonna do it in here.” Sander smiled, before he got up out of the tub and wrapped a towel around himself. “Take your time. I’ll be over there when you’re ready.” he said, pressing another kiss to his boyfriend’s lips before he walked towards the door, leaving Robbe by himself in the giant tub. 

And once he was alone, he couldn’t help but non-vocally repeat “Fuck fuck fuck fuck.”, the rush of adrenaline almost being too much to contain. And so he allowed himself to let go of his arms that were holding himself up, sinking below and submerging himself in the water, knowing that when he emerged again, everything would be different.


	78. Saturday - 15/02/2020 - 10.15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small reminder: Since last week I'm updating on WEEKDAYS only so don't worry, you didn't miss two chapters from over the weekend. This chapter follows Friday the 14th (Valentine's day, party three).

Sander woke up to the feeling of Robbe pressing kisses to his skin, and he hummed in appreciation for a while. “Morning.”

“Morning.” Robbe smiled. It was the smile that Sander couldn’t wait to wake up to every single day. The one that screamed ‘I love you’, without saying the words. And sometimes Sander needed that, and waking up it meant his day started out right. 

“Slept well?” Sander asked, tucking some of Robbe’s horrible bed hair away from his face. 

Robbe nodded, before rolling away and returning to his own pillow. Well, it wasn’t exactly his. But it might as well be, since he always used the same one. Robbe once argued that Sander gave him the better out of the two pillows he had, which Sander objected but Robbe knew. “You know I did. I watched you draw for a tiny bit longer but my eyes couldn’t stay open...”

“It’s okay.” Sander assured him, glancing over at where he had put his sketchbook. 

“I like your drawings a lot, you know.” Robbe said, then reaching out his phone. “Mostly this one, that you posted yesterday...” Robbe said, before turning his phone to Sander, revealing he had chosen it as his phone’s background image. 

And Sander blinked, before smiling brightly and leaning in for a kiss. “You changed your phone background to a picture of us?”

“Drawing, technically, but... Yeah.” Robbe nodded, and he smiled, almost giggled, seeing how happy it made Sander. It was a small thing to do. But after spending the most amazing night together with movies and croques, Robbe felt like if he was going to do a cliché boyfriend thing, then he would go all the way.

“You’re so cute.” Sander smiled, now turning on his side so he could reach Robbe better, pulling him close and giving him the sweetest, but at the same time hottest, morning-breath kiss. But Robbe wasn’t complaining. Or... Maybe a little. 

“It’s 10.17... How about we brush our teeth first and take a shower together?” Robbe suggested, looking away from his own phone after checking the time on it. He noticed Milan had texted, probably with some sort of request for the dinner party tonight. But Robbe would only focus on that the minute he got on his bike. He was going to enjoy every single minute he had to spend with Sander at the apartment first.

And within those limited amount of minutes, the shower took exactly 13, while getting dressed another 6 because Sander couldn’t stop teasing Robbe about wearing his clothes, but eventually Robbe locked his watch and he followed Sander out of the bathroom fully dressed. In Sander’s clothes, indeed.

“Any requests for breakfast?” Sander asked, and the way he just moved in the kitchen made Robbe realize how lucky he was that he had a boyfriend who could cook. 

“Eh....”

“And don’t say cereal. After last night you need a proper breakfast.” Sander said, already grabbing one of the avocado’s and checking the fridge for eggs. 

“I’ll have whatever you have then.” Robbe decided, and he nodded when Sander gave him a ‘are you sure?’ look, followed by a shrug. 

Sander created avocado toast with boiled egg throughout the next few minutes, and Robbe laughed when it appeared on the plate in front of him, causing Sander to frown in offense. 

“No sorry, it’s... Well, I’m eating dinner at the flatshare tonight. And this is also pretty healthy, so I think this day will officially qualify as the healthiest day of 2020 for me so far.”

Sander clicked his tongue, clearly not pleased but only half serious. “You’re in the middle of puberty, your body needs good food, Robbe. Don’t make me text Ilse or Zoë to plan an intervention” Sander warned, smiling.

“Shut up.” Robbe laughed. “My mom makes good food. But she also likes to spoil me. And I’m not gonna complain about that.” Robbe said, before biting into his breakfast. Truthfully, he knew that his mom would probably make him eat healthier if she knew the other things Robbe consumed. Plenty of beers and weed over the weekends or hanging out with his friends. Bags of chips in his room whenever he was bingewatching a show. But then again, he was 16. What did the world expect of him? Milan was way older and he still thought aiki noodles were a full dinner meal. 

“What time do you have to be at the flatshare?” Sander then asked, and Robbe looked at the time, sighing. 

“6.30, so that means we have about 7 hours and a half until I have to leave.” Robbe said. 

“Plenty of stuff we can do in that time.” Sander grinned. 

Robbe smiled back, and glanced at the home cinema system over Sander’s shoulder, and prepared his arguments to watching the Tom Holland Spiderman movies, which Sander reluctantly agreed to once Robbe reminded him that they did watch an artsy movie yesterday. 

And truthfully the issue wasn’t even with Spiderman. The movies were actually somewhat decent, Sander thought. But they were a bit longer than he had planned, and it left little to no time for them to talk. Before he knew it, Robbe was at the door again putting on his jacket, and Sander leaned against the wall, pouting. 

“Don’t be sad.” Robbe spoke, before he leaned in for a kiss. Much like this morning, Sander took advantage and made it one of those toe-curling ones, that almost made Robbe drop his backpack and lead them both back to the bedroom. But he knew he couldn’t do that to his roommates. “I have to go...”

“Okay, okay. Have fun with your roommates.”

“You have fun watching Euphoria...” Robbe winked, and Sander rolled his eyes. He should not have mentioned he thought Zendaya was hot. It prompted Robbe to mention that she was also in Eurphoria and he joked Sander could go watch that instead of spend time with him. Sander knew the next few minutes making out on the couch, while Spiderman woke up in a jail cell in The Netherlands, could assure him that there was nothing he’d rather do than spend time with him. 

“I love you. I’ll call you tonight?” Robbe said, and Sander nodded, tucking his hands in his jeans pocket. 

“Love you too. Put on gloves when you go home tonight, it’s gonna freeze.”

Robbe smiled and shook his head, looking at his hands. “You really do text my mom too often…” he joked. But then he nodded in promise before the door to the apartment closed and he got into the elevator. He unlocked his bike where he had placed it yesterday afternoon, and then he started biking across the city, until he arrived at the flatshare at 18.28 exactly. And despite knowing he wasn’t technically late, he still jogged up the stairs because he knew he was the only guest, so it was very likely that they were waiting for him to get there.

“Hi, Robbe!” Milan greeted him as he opened the door. Robbe was still processing the fact that he had to knock now, instead of using his key. He actually still had it though. A gift from Milan, in case of emergency if he ever needed a place to crash. But considering he was invited for dinner tonight, it felt like the best option to knock. 

“Our lost son has returned!” Milan chimed as he maneuvered Robbe through the hall and into the living room. Zoë smiled warmly and Lisa sighed ‘finally’ when Robbe walked in after dropping his bag and coat down the hall. He has also purposefully come empty handed, as Milan’s text from earlier today had mentioned that Zoë refused any presents.

“Gelukkige verjaardag Zoë.” Robbe said, walking to her and hugging her tightly. Zoë returned the embrace equally, and even lingered for a little bit longer, but Robbe didn’t mind. She was almost like a sister to him by now, and that type of family hugs he would never get tired of. 

“Okay, let’s eat now and Robbe, you need to catch me up on how Valentine’s went.” Milan said, already grabbing one of the wraps and loading it up with the meat. Zoë had chosen for a “taco-kveld” the norwegian variation on burrito’s because it reminded her of living in Norway where her birthday would usally have actual snow, which was what just about everyone in Belgium was waiting for these days. 

“Eh, yesterday was fun, yeah. Don’t really know what to say. We didn’t do anything special.” Robbe explained, while he prepared his food. 

“No date?” Zoë asked.

Robbe tilted his head. “I mean, kinda? We went to the park after school, and then we had croques and watched a movie at his place.” Robbe explained. 

“That’s cute.” Lisa commented, and it came a bit as a surprise to Robbe, but he smiled at her nonetheless. 

“And after that?” Milan asked in a suggestive tone, to which Zoë playfully punched his shoulder.

“Milan, stop it. If you wanna talk about sex, talk about your own evening.” Zoë said. 

And she regretted that as soon as Milan started his story, because she didn’t ask for that much detail. It went down to the color of Jonahtan’s button up shirt, and Zoë exchanged a look with Robbe before she shook her head, smiling. But at least it gave her the time to focus on the food for a bit, and she did like to see the beaming smile on Milan’s face whenever he talked about Jonathan, so she didn’t really mind it either.

“I’m going to re-heat these wraps real quick.” Zoë then said, and Lisa argued that she needed more rosé wine so she followed Zoë into the kitchen, causing for Milan to bump Robbe’s shoulder as soon as the girls left the living room.

“And?” he asked, with an eyebrow wiggle. 

Robbe almost choked on his food when he realized just what MIlan wanted to know, and he looked over his shoulder to see if Zoë and Lisa were within hearing distance. 

“Don’t worry, I can whisper.” Milan whispered, and Robbe cleared his mouth before he spoke. 

“What is it, Milan?”

“I wanna know if you did it, of course!” Milan said in full volume, before he reminded himself to be quiet. “I wanna know if you got the chance to top with Sander.” Milan whispered.

“Milan!” Robbe whispered. 

“Oh come on, baby gay. You spent all that time working up the courage to do it, you did all that research. I’m sure it wasn’t for nothing...” Milan grinned.

It made Robbe blush, and apparently that was enough for Milan to come to the right conclusion and he started soundlessly clapping his hands. Robbe rolled his eyes at his over the top excitement. 

“So was it good?” Milan asked, his voice still hushed. And Robbe appreciated that, because if they were going to talk about this then he could not have the girls hear their conversation.

“Well... yeah.” Robbe admitted, a bit awkwardly. “I came like embarrassingly fast though, like predicted.” Robbe replied. And in that moment, Zoë returned with a warm plate of wraps, and Lisa put the bottle of rosé down on the table. 

“Oh well that is something that improves the more you do it. Practice makes perfect.” Milan smirked. 

“Practice what?” Zoë asked, taking her seat again and preparing her second burrito of the night. 

“Robbe said he is trying to cook more. He failed at making pancakes though, they were all burned...” Milan smiled, winking at Robbe. 

“Oh, maybe Lisa can help you. Didn’t your french roommate teach you how to make croques Lisa?” Zoë asked. “I’m not much of a pancake person myself. I prefer to make waffles.” Zoë smiled. 

Lisa nodded with a bit of a shrug, refilling her glass of wine. “I guess…”

“Thanks. I’ll keep it in mind.” Robbe replied, just out of politeness. He had no actual interest in a crepes tutorial…

“But Milan doesn’t know the first thing about pancakes. So you shouldn’t ask him for advice on it.”

“Actually.” Robbe said, smiling. “He was kinda helpful.” he said, while giving Milan a thankful nod.


	79. Sunday - 16/02/2020 - 14.29

“Don’t forget your toothbrush in the bathroom, Senne.” Gill said as she walked around the corner, throwing the sweatpants that he had been looking for on the pile of clothes that he was currently packing in his suitcase again. 

She grabbed herself a soda from the fridge and leaned against the table, watching him carefully pack up all his shit after almost two months of crashing at her place. And while she was grateful, she was also a bit surprised. Perhaps she had gotten used to having a roommate after all... 

“So where did you say you’re moving now?” she asked, before taking another sip. 

“A buddy of mine... He dropped out this semester but his parents paid for his apartment the rest of the year so he’s subletting it to me.” Sander explained. He then looked up and smirked, before he paused what he was doing and turned towards her. “Why are you so sceptical?”

“I don’t know? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have this couch back, but… I just... I guess I thought you’d stick around here until you cleared things with your parents...” Gill said, shrugging. 

“My parents? That would require somewhat of a miracle, so no.” Senne said, shaking his head. “I’m done needing them in my life. All throughout high school they only did the bare minimum. And now that Viktor is risking their family name being tarnished, suddenly they show up and they start making demands. No thanks.”

Gill could see the expression on Senne’s face as he talked about his parents, and she knew it was the type of subject that called him to usually storm out of the room with balled fists or make him take another sip from his beer. And part of the reason was the fact that Gill usually made somewhat of an effort to try and get him to see it from a different perspective. But she had given up on that recently. She was not the type of friend that would try to convince him of another opinion. She would rather agree to disagree. Their friendship would survive. 

“And how are you affording it? It’s an apartment? That’s, what, 650 a month? At least?”

“725 actually. But yeah. I... I got some savings. You know, money from my birthdays and stuff. That will cover things until summer. And I will get a summer job to cover the rest.”

Gill sighed and squeezed the bridge of her nose at the fact that Senne was willing to touch his savings for this. Perhaps it was a good thing he wasn’t a finance student. And she was tempted to tell him to stop being ridiculous and just stay longer. But if she did that, she knew their friendship wouldn’t make it past the end of the semester. There would only be more bickering about the toilet seat and the fact that Gill was the only one who actually did the laundry.

“Okay, well... It seems like you have it all figured out. So if you’re sure then I guess I don’t have anything else to say..” Gill sighed. “Good luck out in the new place. And don’t be a stranger.”

Senne looked up and clicked his tongue, before walking over and offering her a hug. “Hey, no worries okay. We both know this is the best.” He said. He smiled when Gill returned the embrace, sighing deeply. They both knew it, even if they didn’t like to admit it. They just weren’t meant to be roommates.

“Besides, it’s not like your living room couch has that much privacy, and you’re a pretty lousy chef too.” Senne joked, causing for Gill to playfully punch him in the chest. 

“Asshole.”

“Bitch.” Senne smiled back. He would miss this type of playful banter between them.

She then frowned, and looked at him with curious eyes. “Privacy though... Why is that a thing?” Gill asked, eyeing the couch which was now free of the setup Senne had been sleeping in for a few months. The images floating around in her head soon filled in the blanks. “Is there perhaps a new girl in your life that I don’t know about?” she asked.

She was smiling, and looking him in that way that reminded him she was the only platonic female friend he was this close to. And as much as he knew she was milking for information, Senne knew he may also need to run this new relationship by someone with an outsider perspective. Especially if that perspective came from his long-time close friend, who happened to have a better understanding at female emotions than he could.

“Well I did meet someone...We met last weekend, so it’s still rather new. Her name is Nina. And... I…” Senne looked away, perhaps for the first time in his life shy to talk about a girl he liked. And it was the biggest testament to the fact that he had changed a lot compared to one year ago.

“There could be something there, you know.” Senne said, covering his face with his hands, showing his true face behind the cool facade he usually put up. 

“Could be? You’re not sure?” Gill asked. Then she paused, and Senne gave her the ‘it’s obvious why’ look.

“You mean after Zoë?” Gill asked, and she knew mentioning her was like rubbing salt in a wound but she had to do it. Only by getting an idea of what his reaction was to hearing her name, could she determine if him moving with someone else was a good idea.

“Yes, after Zoë.” Senne said, sighing. He knew Gill would bring her up, and he was a fool to think she wouldn’t. Gill had been on a first row seat in watching him unravel a bit after their break-up. He had sat on the other end of the couch, while he hesitated to just text her ‘hey’, and he had offered him a beer when he had eventually chickened out.

Gill had always avoided answering the question if reaching out was a good idea. She had never discouraged him, but she also hadn’t cheered him on. The only thing she had done was make sure that he didn’t do anything while he was stupidly drunk. And he had thanked her for that. She was his Switserland. Which was why her question took Senne a bit by surprise.

“But do you still love Zoë?” Gill asked, frowning.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. It was a loaded question. But he understood why she asked it. If this was potentially about another person, then he would need to have clarity of his own feelings first.

Senne shrugged. “How much can you keep loving a person when you haven’t spoken to them in months?” Senne sighed. He did love her. He knew part of him always would. He changed his entire world for her. Loving Zoë had made him realize there was more than just hook-ups and random girls out there for him. But he couldn’t hold on to those feelings just because they were the reason for that change.

“I don’t know, Gill. It’s not like we broke up because we hated each other…” he shrugged. “Maybe it’s just time to move on.”

Why wouldn’t he move on, and find someone else to fall in love with? He was only trying to respect her wish for them not to be in a relationship anymore. That didn’t mean he’d have to stay single for the rest of his life, right?

Gill hummed, but Senne couldn’t identify if she agreed with him or not. She was back to being Switserland. Senne smiled softly, knowing that he didn’t have to reach to a conclusive answer to the question.

“And this new girl... Does she know about… you?”

Senne looked up, an eyebrow raised, Gill gave him a look in return. 

“Senne, you have slept with half the female population of Antwerp, for fuck’s sake.”

Senne rolled his eyes and got back to packing his bag, needing something to occupy his hands. “That was high school, Gill.”

Leave it to his best friends to remind him of his track record with girls when he was 17… That felt like a century ago by now.

“Yes, and since then you’ve had one serious relationship. With your high school girlfriend. The girl who made you change your ways. Who you’ve only broken up with two months ago. If I was Nina, that would be information I’d wanna know. Just saying….”

Senne looked up and frowned, scratching his head. “You mean... she wouldn’t want to date me?”

Gill shrugged and walked back into the kitchen. “I don’t know Senne. Some girls are fine with being rebounds, others feel that they’re being used.”

But that wasn’t the case. He knew that. He knew he would never see Nina as a replacement for Zoë. He would never compare the two of them. His doubts weren’t a question of if she would live up to Zoë, but instead they were about if he was ready to fall in love again. There was a difference. Right?

“Just... be smart about it. Don’t make this any more messy than it already is.” Gill said, before she dried her hands and walked back into the living room. “Just text me when you’ll be doing a houseparty for your new place. Good luck, buddy.”

“Where are you going?” Senne frowned, and Gill turned around, smiling.

“Not helping you carry all that stuff, is what I’m gonna do. You use those muscles.” she winked. 

And Senne gasped before shaking his head, and returning back to the bag he finished packing, closing up the zipper and putting it down on the ground.


	80. Monday - 17/02/2020 - 10.11

Today was Monday, and so when she saw the school engaged in animated conversations Jana assumed it was just the usual of people talking about their weekend plans. She attributed the extra buzzing to the fact that last weekend was Valentine’s, and the ongoing gossip whispers were most likely some new hook-up rumor that she wasn’t yet caught up with. But she would soon, she decided, as she was meeting up with the girls during their morning break. 

She spotted the other girls gathered around one of the tables in the school yard, and she made her way towards them. She looked down at her phone, receiving a text from her mom that she had arrived safely in Italy, and when she looked back up she was close enough to notice the girls were all focused on the other side of the school yard. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Jana said as she took the seat next to Yasmina and Luca. 

Zoë looked up and noticed the other girls weren’t going to say anything, so she had to say something herself. “Well, our party, on Friday...”

“I know right, I’m so excited about it.” Jana smiled, but soon that enthusiasm faded when she saw the look on Zoë’s face, and she finally decided to take the time to see who the girls were looking at before. When she noticed it was Britt, Jana frowned and turned back towards the girls. 

“Britt is not coming.” Zoë said.

“Which you can’t blame her for...” Amber cut in, folding her arms in front of her. Jana noticed there was clearly something bigger at play, and somehow she had missed whatever was going on in the 2 hours and a half since school had started. Perhaps it wasn’t just weekend gossip? Now she had to catch up. 

“What do you mean she’s not coming? She said that, or...?”

“She texted.” Zoë said, handing her phone over to Jana so she could read. 

[BRITT: I would love to have come to your party, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be there, sorry.]

Jana checked to see if there was more texts, but when she found that was all it said, she handed the phone back to Zoë. “That’s it? That’s so vague…” Jana said. And also not like Britt. Jana checked her own phone to make sure she didn’t have a missed message herself, but she didn’t. Of course she hadn’t sent out the invites, but Britt was her friend and it was also her party. “That’s weird, right?”

“Not if you consider what happened this morning...” Amber said. And it was the second comment Amber had made in the same tone, and Jana was utterly confused by it. Clearly Amber knew something Jana didn’t.

“Seriously? What did I miss? I mean it’s monday morning, I’m still half asleep at this point.” Jana chuckled. She smiled when she got a compassionate look from Luca and Yasmina. It seemed like they all just found out about whatever happened this morning minutes ago themselves.

“Apparently...” Zoë said, stressing the fact that she wasn’t sure if it was the most objective story while she looked at Amber, who had clearly been the one to mention it first. “Apparently there was an altercation between Britt and Robbe by the stairs this morning. Things got... physical.” Zoë said. 

Amber scoffed loudly at that. “Britt could have fallen down the stairs and broken her neck. I wouldn’t minimize that.”

“I also wouldn’t jump to conclusions if you didn’t see if with your own eyes, though...” Zoë replied. 

“I mean...” Amber started, only to be cut off by Luca. “I for once did see Robbe’s red cheek. So we know for sure she slapped him...” Luca said, before biting part of her cereal bar off. She then mimicked the slap, and where she had noticed the redness on Robbe’s face.

Jana looked between Zoë and Luca, and she tried to recall if she’d seen Robbe in the hallways during the first two periods of school thus far, but she couldn’t recall. Then again, her brain was still too foggy on Monday mornings like these…

“And Amber, are you really going to assume that Robbe would try and push Britt down the stairs?” Yasmina frowned. 

Amber frowned, and shook her head. “I’m not saying he planned to do so. But why else would Lisa say that’s what happened?” Amber frowned. 

“To not make Britt look bad?” Zoë explained. “Amber, we all know it’s Britt who has a problem with Robbe, not the other way around.”

Jana cut off the discussion by slamming the palms of her hands down on the table and resting her forehead on them. “Fucking hell, all this drama this early in the morning. Can’t people get along for five seconds?”

“Our lives are pretty much just one big high school drama, Jana. Get used to it.” Luca grinned.

“Well, shit.” she groaned. “I could use with a bit less ex-drama though.” Jana said, before wrapping her head around it. The situation with Britt on top of her own conflicted feelings when it came to spending time with Jens, really made her conclude that their friend group needed one of those conspiracy theory corkboards. 

Zoë looked back at her phone, and then at Jana. “Okay but if she’s not coming to the party...”

“She needs to get over herself. Don’t worry, I’ll deal with it.” Jana said, already grabbing out her phone. She wasn’t sure yet what she was going to say. But he had the idea that perhaps Britt hadn’t texted her in an attempt to avoid the confrontation.

“Okay but then we’re just gonna pretend nothing happened at the stairs this morning? We don’t know if it’s true or not?” Amber asked. 

“I’m giving Robbe the benefit of the doubt on this one.” Zoë replied, with Yasmina agreeing. 

“And I saw the evidence that works against Brit’s case, so...” Luca shrugged. 

Amber sighed and then got her bag, getting up from the table. “Fine. I’ll ask Aaron to find out what happened then. I’ll let you guys know by lunch. But I just don’t think Britt is that much of a bitch.” Amber spoke, before she walked off into one of the buildings.

And Jana wished she could defend Britt in that moment. She wished she could say that Britt had never tied her pigtails to a fence at scouts, she wished Jens hadn’t told her about how she had torn up his homework in his face because he couldn’t spend time with her, and she wished she didn’t know about that slap she gave Sander in front of half the school just last a few months ago. 

Britt had changed, sure. In many ways she had learned to rise above pointless drama. But if things didn’t go the way she had planned them to, then she could still have the tendency to lash out. 

“I will text her and tell her to get over whatever drama is going on. If she still doesn’t want to come, then that’s too bad. We’re going to have fun either way.” Jana said.

“Exactly.” Zoë nodded. “Speaking off, we really need to do something about the playlist. Milan’s input was… Well…”

Yasmina chuckled and shook her head, recalling when Zoë had asked him to compose a playlist based of his own party music. “Yeah maybe you should not have left music to be Milan’s job in this.”

Jana shrugged and looked in between the girls. “What? I liked the music he chose at the Christmas party?”

“That was me, not Milan. He only added a few songs in there without me noticing.” Zoë explained. And then she remembered the video she took this weekend. “This is Milan singing Abba, by the way.” Zoë said, before letting the audio do the talking for itself.

“My poor ears.” Luca cringed, and Jana and Yasmina both laughed.

“Is he already getting in the Eurovision mood this early?” Jana asked, and Zoë shook his head, putting her phone back on the table. “No no… No this was him proving he knew songs by Norwegian artists.”

“But isn’t Abba…”

“Yeah. Robbe and I couldn’t bring ourselves to correct him until eventually Lisa emerged back from her room and told him she would force him to move to Stockholm if he wouldn’t stop singing.”

Zoë then shrugged and thought about the last time she was in Stockholm, six years ago, and how she missed the actual winters up north compared to the half attempt at a temperature below 0 that Belgium was currently giving them.

Perhaps going to see her parents during the upcoming break was her best chance of seeing any snow at all in 2020…


	81. Tuesday - 18/02/2020 - 07.35

Robbe groaned when he heard his alarm from the depths of his subconciousness, and his eyes fluttered open, followed by a loud groan. He slammed his hand on his nightstand, and reached for his phone somewhat blindly with a swiping motion, until the noise finally stopped and he sighed deeply. 

He then allowed his brain to grasp the concept that it war morning already, and immediatly he could tell today wasn’t gonna be a good day. His entire body was protesting, mind and muscle, and he turned around in the warm embrace of his duvet. 

Thirty minutes later he arrived downstairs, and his mom looked up confused when she saw her son. “Robbe, sweetheart... Why aren’t you dressed? You have to leave in 15 minutes...” Ilse asked. 

“Actually, mom...” Robbe said, as he tucked his hands close to his body and then he looked up at her. They had talked about her good days and bad days. Her therapy sessions, and about how she couldn’t force her brain chemistry to change just like that. Sometimes it just took a day to get things back into the positives, and that was okay. She had made sure that he knew that it was just a few bad days now, compared to the days on end she would experience before. Robbe recalled her proud smile, and the way she had encouraged him to talk to her if he ever felt like he had a bad day himself. 

“Remember when you... when you told me to talk to you about bad days?” 

Ilse didn’t miss a beat, immediatly putting down the knife from where she was cutting slices of bread, and she moved towards her son. “Yes?” 

Robbe swayed his head. “I don’t think... I don’t think I should go to school today.” There. It was out. He said it. And now he had two options. Either she would scold at him for being lazy. Or she would offer to call the school for him so he could stay home. 

Apparently, there was a third option Robbe didn’t know about. 

“Is there anything in particular that makes you feel that way? Anything that has happened? I...” she seemed to think. “See if you just need a day to overcome this feeling, then it’s okay. But if it’s something more serious then there might be another way to deal with it....”

Robbe shook his head, slumping down on the chair nearby. “No it’s.. Nothing serious.” he said, rubbing his hands through his hair. “I just... I just need the day. Can you please call the school? I’m just gonna stay home, maybe even get caught up with some homework. I just don’t feel like I can deal with classes right now. I wouldn’t retain anything.” Robbe explained.

Ilse hummed and nodded, then moving back to the kitchen counter where she was cutting the bread. “Okay sweetheart. I will call the school. Do you want some breakfast?”

Robbe shook his head, and he thought of announcing he was going back to his room, but in hindsight he wasn’t sure if he actually said the words out loud. When he returned to the comfort of his bed, there was still some residual warmth that he soaked up, and his eyes strained in the darkness when he grabbed his phone. He dimmed the brightness, and then opened the chat with the guys. 

ROBBE: I won’t be at school today. Aaron, can you scan me your notes from class tonight?

JENS: Everything okay?

AARON: Last time you said my handwriting sucked... 

MOYO: That’s true though... But Robbe, is it about that stuff from yesterday? 

AARON: I’ll try to write a bit slower, but mevrouw Wouters is so fucking fast with her writing on the board, I’m just struggling to catch up most of the time...

Then, Robbe spotted one of the chat bubbles jumping down from all the way up, and he realized Sander had just read his message. And Robbe had just enough time to get up and lean on his elbows, before Sander was calling him. 

“Hey...” Robbe said, smiling. Perhaps there was hope for today to be a good day after all. 

“Good morning... Everything okay? I saw your tekst with the boys.” Sander asked. 

Robbe could tell by Sander’s voice that he was just barely awake. Yet he still decided to call, and Robbe’s heart burst a bit at the effort Sander was willing to go to for Robbe.

“Yeah, yeah... I’m fine. Sorry the chat woke you up. I still need to get used you got added to it.” Robbe chuckled. He then rubbed his face, trying to wake up the muscles and get his eyes to stop drifting off. 

“So then why are you staying homefrom school? Or are you just being a rebel?” Sander asked. His tone was a bit more playful now, but the first part of the question was still laced with concern. And Robbe thought back at the different degrees of concern in the chat. Aaron just completely blinking through the fact that Robbe would have a reason to be abscent. Jens being concerned, but not worried. And Moyo trying to figure out if it was anything serious. And then there was Sander NoChill Driesen, who called him and would probably bike to Berchem and personally deliver him medecine if he so much as sneezed on this call. Sander could be extra like that sometimes. But Robbe had been learning from the master. 

“I thought you liked that? Didn’t you say you fell for me that night at the spraypainting?” Robbe smiled. 

Sander hummed pleased at the other side of the line. “I do. But if it’s about school, Robbe, I...”

“Sander, don’t worry.” Robbe cut in. “I’m just skipping one day. You do not have to worry.” Robbe assured him. “It’s not like me dating an older guy is affecting my academic pressence.” he joked. 

Sander scoffed, and then laughed. 

“I’m actually gonna catch up on some homework today. I just... Don’t feel like leaving the house and dealing with classes today.” he explained. He then thought back to leaving Sander at the flatshare when he had to go take his exams in December, and he wasn’t sure why that memory came to mind, but it was nagging at him now. 

“That’s... that’s not weird, right? I mean... that I’m taking the day off because I feel like I can’t handle classes today? Because my head just doesn’t feel capable of handling that?” Robbe asked. He bit his lip, realizing there were people who had it way more difficult than him who still got up and went to school or work every single day. Was he taking advantage of the conversation he had had with him mom about mental health to cut himself more slack?

“You’re in high school, so you’re still obligated to go to class. When you’re in college, that becomes optional. And that’s when it becomes a slippery slope between knowing if it’s because you need the day off, or if it’s because you’re simply lazy.” Sander replied. 

Robbe knew he was now tuned into a direct line with Sander’s thoughts, as he would share them sometimes. They weren’t always going anywhere specifically, but Robbe liked hearing them. 

“I sometimes have days where I’m just lazy. Where I just can’t be bothered to get charcoal all over my hands or something. But then there’s also days where I know it’s... it’s other stuff.”

Another pause. Robbe considered saying something. He considered apologizing, because what Sander was describing was clearly something difficult. And his situation did not compare, at all. 

“But I think even people who aren’t bipolar or whatever, should take care of their menal health. It’s important, just as important as physical health. You wouldn’t have to justify yourself if you had 40 degrees fever.” Sander explained. 

And with that Robbe felt the knot in his chest untie. He leaned on his side, positioning the phone between his jaw and his shoulder. 

“Sorry if this brought up some of the bad days, for you...” Robbe said softly.

Sander hummed, a dissapproving one this time. “Don’t apologize, Robbe. Please. I’m glad you feel like you can talk to me.”

Robbe smiled, then his lips morphed into a yawn. 

“What about you? Do you have class today?” Robbe decided to ask, while his eyes started drifting closed. Falling asleep with Sander had been one of his favorite things to do. Last night he was up until 1AM just scrolling through his camera roll, considering if he should post a picture of the two of them or if it was too provocative after his encounter with Britt. Robbe’s hand reached his jaw subconciously. He had decided not to do it, and he was glad he hadn’t gone to that level of pity.

“I don’t have class today. A deadline tonight at 10PM, but it’s a team assignment and praised be, Maxm is on my team so we’re all set.” Sander said excitingly. He paused, clearly forming an idea in his head. “Do you want me to come over? I can take you somewhere?”

“I honestly just wanna go back to sleep... It’s 7.45 right now.”

“Okay. That’s fine baby. You should go to sleep.” Sander replied. “But the offer still stands. So you can reconsider when you wake up at noon, okay?” 

Robbe rolled his eyes. Sander knew him so well. But him sleeping until noon at this point would also probably be accurate, so it wasn’t like Robbe could call him out for saying it.

“Okay.”

“I’ll let you go back to sleep now. I love you.”

“Love you too.” Robbe smiled, before he took his phone back into his hand and ended the call. 

It didn’t take more than 5 minutes for him to fall back under the blanket of slumber, and when he woke up again it wasn’t that far off from noon, indicating just how well his boyfriend did know him. This time, he felt less protest as he considered getting out of bed, and he walked downstairs to get some food.

When he was three steps away from the end of the stairs, he heard the first birst of laughter, and then distant voices until he heard the laughter again. 

“Eh, hi.” Robbe said, appearing in the doorway to the kitchen. 

“Surprise!” Sander smiled, turning towards him. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

“I think he came here to make a bet with me about what time you’d be awake.” Ilse smiled. “And 11.42 means he wasn’t that far off...” she said, then putting whatever she was baking in the oven, switching the time display to a 2 hour countdown. “And now that that’s in there, I’m going for a walk. You guys will stay home to watch the oven?” she asked. 

Robbe walked past the oven and glanced inside, noticing she was baking bread, and then grabbed his cereal, nodding. “Yeah, sure.” Robbe agreed. 

A few minutes later Ilse left through the back door of the kitchen, and Robbe looked at Sander with a raised eyebrow. 

“What?” Sander smiled, and Robbe moved closer, while he put a spoonful into his mouth.

“What’s going on here? You making bets with my mom about my sleep schedule?” Robbe asked, once he’d cleared his mouth. 

Sander shrugged, pulling Robbe closer. He was kinda hungry too. “I’ve told you before, your mom is nice. But don’t worry, you’re still my favorite person in this house. Just... barely;” Sander joked. 

Robbe shook his head in disbelief and then wiped the smile from Sander’s face with a dizzying kiss.

“Okay now see when you do that, you go way up in my list of favorite people.” Sander spoke softly when their lips finally parted again. “How about we take this upstairs, and I’ll -”

“Sander...” Robbe said, manoevring himself away from Sander’s hold and moving back to his cereal. “I really just... I just need a chill day, okay?” he said, his serious face in contrast with Sander’s smiling one. “I love you, and I love that you’re here. But I was just gonna catch up on homework and watch some tv shows.”

Sander’s smile faded. Then he nodded, taking Robbe’s hand. “Okay. It’s... it’s okay, I understand. Sorry, I didn’t want me being here to make it seem like I had certain plans. I just wanted to see you, be here for you. I can do homework and tv, that’s chill. If you’d let me?” Sander asked. 

Robbe nodded, scooping another spoonful of cereal up. “Of course. I mean, you are on oven duty after all. You heard my mom.” he smiled. 

“Oh yeah, what is she making exactly?” Sander asked, getting up from his seat and hoovering in front of the oven. 

“Bread.” Robbe confirmed, before emptying his bowl with one final spoonful and then slapping Sander’s ass. In his defense, he was in his path out of the kitchen. “I’m going back upstairs to go shower. I’ll be back.” Robbe announced. 

And when he returned from showering fifteen minutes later, Sander was sitting on the couch, his sketchbook resting on his bent leg, some reality tv show on the background. Robbe could feel the fog in his head clear out just from looking at the image. It just screamed comfort.

“What are you watching?” Robbe asked, as he took a seat next to Sander. He then slumped down almost entirely horizontal, Sander’s arm reaching to pull him in a bit closer.

“No idea.” Sander said, before handing Robbe the remote.

Robbe took it and switched on to the netflix channel, before scrolling through the different shows, pausing on The Flash, causing Sander to groan. “Kidding, kidding.” Robbe said, before continuing to skip a bit further. He then randomly stumbled upon “Once Upon a Time...”, the educational animation series. 

“Holy shit. I used to watch this shit when i was young.” Robbe said, suddenly hit with a wave of nostaligia. He looked up to see if there was any rememberence in Sander, but his boyfriend simply shrugged. “It’s about science and stuff. It’s what really got me into biology and things like that.” Robbe explained. 

“Oh so that’s how that nerd brain of yours got as big as it is?” Sander teased, and Robbe decided to ignore it, before he nodded. “Yeah. It really fascinated me as a kid.”

Sander repositioned himself on the couch, starting soft motions running his fingertips through Robbe’s somewhat damp hair. “So that’s why you chose science in school? You like the biology things? Microscopes and stuff?”

“Well, yeah. I think it’s pretty cool. I just like to understand the different building blocks that make life. I like knowing how the biology adapts and has somehow sustained life on this giant floating rock in space for this long.” Robbe spoke. 

Sander recognized that type of talk. It was similar to how his mom spoke when she was excited about her physics class. “Is it something you’d wanna study, later?”

Robbe pursed his lips, thinking. “Maybe. I don’t know. Biology is great, and there’s plenty of other ways to do something with science. But I don’t know if I want to spend my whole life studying things. I don’t know if I’d want to be in a lab all the time, experimenting.” Although that was just as much thought as he had given to it. 

“I see.” Sander replied. “Well you still have time to decide stuff like that. You’re not in your final year yet.” 

Robbe nodded and then turned back to the tv and decided to skip past ‘once upon a time’ and he sighed when he couldn’t find anything appealing to watch instead.

“We could also just listen to some music?” Sander suggested when he noticed Robbe couldn’t settle on what to watch. “Maybe I can help you study for your new attempt at the Bowie exam?” he teased. 

Robbe groaned and shook his head. 

“No I can’t do that now. If I fail again you’re gonna give me another challenge...” 

“Yeah so then don’t fail.” Sander laughed. 

It turned out Robbe was just two answers shy of passing the test, and in exchange he reluctantly agreed to hand his phone over so Sander could post one of his aesthetic pictures on instagram. He chose one of his more colorful urban pictures, as it fit the rest of Robbe’s insta best. 

“You do know I’m going to delete this the moment I get the chance to right?” Robbe joked, and Sander reached the phone back from where he was just on the verge of handing it back. 

“No. You can’t. You have to leave it up for... at least 24 hours.” Sander argued. 

“I don’t even know what you posted. I’m not agreeing to that blindly.” Robbe said, trying to reach for his phone, but Sander had the position in his advantage. So all Robbe could do was to get a height advantage on the couch, and just as he did he heard the front door unlock. 

“Fuck.” Robbe mouthed when he sat back down on the couch as to avoid his mom walking in on a compromising position, and he glared at Sander who seemed very pleased with himself. 

“Hi boys. Watching a movie or something?”

“Eh no, we couldn’t really find anything interesting on netflix. But I was actually just going to do some homework, and since you’re home to watch the bread in the oven...”

“Yes, yes, go on then.” Ilse smiled, and she watched how they playfully bickered on their way upstairs about something she had no clue over. She didn’t see either of them again for several hours, while she tasked herself with laundry until 4 hours later Robbe descended the stairs, looking for a snack in their kitchen cupboard. 

“I’m starting dinner in half an hour, Robbe. How about you get an apple instead?” Ilse suggested, eyeing the sour candy that Robbe had selected. 

Robbe scrunched up his nose and shook his head, and Ilse sighed. 

“Robbe....” she said in a tone, causing Robbe to look up. Robbe dropped the sour candy on the counter and turned around, annoyed. 

“Fine. I’ll just starve then.” he exclaimed, before walking back up the stairs. 

Sander startled from the loud stomping of Robbe’s feet on the floor, and he frowned when Robbe walked in with an angry look on his face. 

“My mom said I have to wait until dinner.” he groaned dramatically. 

“Aw, poor you.” Sander said, rubbing his head playfully. To that, Robbe moved in closer to Sander, demanding a hug as he switched from annoyed to needy in roughly twenty seconds. Sander happily obliged. And when the back of Sander’s fingertips softly grazed Robbe’s cheek, he could feel Robbe tense up. 

“Robbe?” Sander asked, trying to get Robbe to talk. For the past few hours he had seen Robbe drift off out of focus during his homework. So Sander had his suspicions that there must be something specific brooding around in his boyfriend’s head. Perhaps not even conciously. And with reading what Moyo had texted this morning, Sander had gotten as far as figuring out it had something to do with the previous day. 

Robbe responded by burrying himself deeper against his boyfriend’s side, while the angel and demon on both of his shoulders were trying to figure out if he should tell Sander. Eventually he knew it was the right thing to do.

“I.. Ran into Britt at school yesterday.” Robbe spoke hesitantly. “She... She seemed upset about something even before. I guess running into me just kind of... made her snap a bit.”

Sander was very gentle when he tried to free himself from Robbe’s body glued to his, but it was important that he could look at him, so he settled from mirroring him, their noses almost touching as to maintain a certain intimacy. “Did she say anything?” Sander asked, why tucking away strands of Robbe’s hair. He kind of needed a haircut... 

“She... she said she was wrong when she had been trying to tell herself that I deserved happiness.” Robbe explained. 

Sander’s face turned into shock. Confusion. Anger. Then realization. So this was what had been playing in his mind all day. 

“And like I said, she was already upset before that. I could see her walk down the hall shrugging off her friends trying to comfort her. She actually called me out on the stairs, and then she was lashing out. And one of her hands landed right on my face.” Robbe explained. He flinched the side of his face that he was currently not resting on the pillow to illustrate.

Sander was taking in the information. Could see the scene unfold in front of his eyes. A high school drama. The ex and the new boyfriend. He hated every second of that image playing in front of his eyes.

“Oh my god Robbe, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry you have to deal with her stuff like that. I’m so so sorry.” Sander said, leaning up to press kisses on the side of Robbe’s face. 

Robbe giggled at the ticklish feeling, and then eventually forced Sander back to the previous position, still keeping his close by holding one hand on the back of his neck.

“I mean I don’t mind if she... like, she can lash out at me whatever she wants. I can take it and stuff like that, it’s just -”

“No, Robbe.” Sander cut him off, shaking his head. “No it’s not okay. She can be mad, and she can take half a century to get over it for all I care. But she can not lash out at you physically...” Sander said, his voice serious. He sighed, because he knew he had the tendency to excuse that sort of stuff himself. He had dated her for months. He knew she could have outbursts. But the fact that she was taking it out on Robbe just because he was the one she saw on an almost daily basis... 

“Do you want me to talk to her again? I can tell her to back off. I can make it clear. More clear than last time.” Sander rambled, but Robbe just shook his head, slowly. 

“There’s no point... She was upset about something else. Honestly, most days it’s not even bad anymore. Whenever I do see her she’s been pretty... neutral.” Robbe explained. “Just, when she said that yesterday and people saw it and I didn’t defend myself and I just feel like crap.”

And Robbe fully realized he had just betrayed himself. That there was actually a bigger reason why he wanted to stay at home. But he also knew that it was something that would be faded away by tomorrow. “I just couldn’t go to school today after all that.”

Sander sighed and leaned on his back, staring at the ceiling. 

“You don’t have any idea what she could have been upset about?” Robbe asked, and Sander was quick to shake his head, his brows furrowed. 

“No. And I honestly don’t want us to spend out time together thinking about that. Or her, in general. Look, what she did was wrong. And I’m gonna tekst her about it. That you at least have to let me do.” Sander said, and when Robbe didn’t object he nodded. “For now let’s just lay here, okay? Just the two of us together. Cause that’s happiness, right? And you deserve that. You deserve so much of that.” Sander said. 

And if at the beginning of the day, Robbe had been struggling and failing to get himself to get on his bike and head to school, he was now renewed in his determination to show up there the next morning. And he owed a lot of that to Sander, and him being there for him today. 

“Sorry that my insecurities caused you your entire day.” Robbe said, his voice more softly now. 

Sander just shook his head, eyes closed. “I want to be here whenever you’re having a bad day just as much as when you have a good day. And if you need me to remind you you deserve to be loved and to live your life the way you want to, then I will always do that for you.”

“Thank you so much.” Robbe said, resting his forehead against Sander’s. 

“Of course baby. I love you.”

“I love you to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically what I'm saying is normalize sick days for mental health...


	82. Wednesday - 19/02/2020 - 16.58

Jens slammed the door behind him and got on his bike, biking around the corner of the street all within one minute. His only focus was to put as much distance between himself and the house, and to drown out the cries of his sister when she reminded him he would take her to volleyball practice. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t stay in the house any longer while his mom was explaining to his sisters that things would be changing.

A few minutes into his bikeride, he realized he had just been aimlessly going straight ahead, and he didn’t have a specific plan on where he was going. So he stopped his bike and looked around to get his bearings, before he grabbed out his phone. 

JENS: Anyone wants to hang out?

He didn’t have to wait long to get a reply, the first one being a picture of Aaron in the waiting area of the dressing rooms at some clothing store.

AARON: Can’t, I’m out shopping with Amber

Jens quickly continued scrolling when his phone buzzed again..

MOYO: Sure

SANDER: Next time maybe.

ROBBE: Yeah sorry, next time... 

Jens rolled his eyes, knowing that it wasn’t a coincidence that both Sander and Robbe basically said the same thing. He figured they were probably together, and while Jens didn’t resent his best friend for being in a happy relationship, in times like these it didn’t help. 

Then again, Robbe was already pretty aware of the situation at home. And Moyo seemed free to meet up somewhere, so Jens decided that would work and he leaned on the handles of his bike, texting Moyo on private chat to meet up at what he knew was Moyo’s favorite place in the city to get kebab’s. 

Once Moyo got there the non-stop praise about the place started coming from Moyo’s mouth, and then they ordered and walked to the seating area with their trays in hand, unopened cans of soda rolling around on them until they were flat on the surface of the tables. And as usual, Moyo started a review on how the sauce at this particular place was his favorite in all of Antwerp, to the point where Jens almost wondered if he was getting paid to promote them. 

They didn’t really talk until both of them were roughly halfway, and despite the fact that Jens felt like he had to empty some of his frustrations, he knew he wouldn’t unless Moyo seemed chill. 

“It’s really unfair that we’re sitting here like two single losers, and those two get to fuck all afternoon.” Moyo commented as he scrolled through insta and stumbled upon a picture of the four of them from a while ago.

Jens looked at him with a disturbed frown, and Moyo shrugged. “You think they’re not fucking?”

“It’s not something I think about, Moyo.” Jens replied, focussing on his kebab. Although that technically was a lie. He did think about couples, and how two of his friends now each had a relationship. He noticed he paid more and more attention to the people around him on the street, and when he was on the bus and he saw a gay couple kiss goodbye before one of them got on the bus, he asked himself why he had ever thought that was weird or unusual… And yes, he did think about sex quite a lot these days. Just not in the context of his friends doing it. The thought of his mind going there, made him glare at Moyo even more.

And if Moyo had any doubts that Jens was in a mood, as his lack of participation all day at school had indicated, he was certain now. Yet for some reason Moyo was now sitting across from him, clearly noticing Jens needed someone to vent to. He just wasn’t sure if he was the best person for that. He never cared for the type of deep conversations he knew some of the boys got into. He preferred things to be easy breezy whenever possible. 

“Hey, I’m here hanging out with you man. Take it or leave it. Maybe you should meet up with Jana in the future, I’m sure she won’t mention sex every three minutes. But in my case, with how long it’s been...” 

Jens sighed and took another bite of his kebab. “Yeah but that’s the thing. Jana seems to be avoiding me.” Jens explained, while chewing through his food. 

“Yeah and that’s what most exes do? What do you expect, dude?” Moyo replied. 

“That we can still be normal around each other, like we’ve been for a whole year? Jana and I are more than just exes...” Jens said. He looked away for a moment, trying to figure out a way to phrase his thoughts. “It’s like... We were friends before. And then there was relationship stuff. And now that relationship stuff is gone. And then we were friends again. But now…” Jens said, then exclaiming in annoyance when the grease got on his shirt sleeve, cutting him off from what he was saying.

Moyo chuckled and then indicated he had some insight to offer once he’d cleared his mouth. “Okay but you expect that sort of stuff not to affect the lower layers of your connection. Which is kind of like expecting the grease not to soak through the bread.” Moyo indicated, pointing at Jens’ kebab, which was only getting worse and he was struggling to hold it in his one hand, opting for two instead. 

“So you think our friendship is forever...” he looked at the food in his hands and looked back up. “Soaked? Because we used to date?”

Moyo shrugged, nodding.

Jens hummed considerately. Had he been fooling himself into thinking they could just be friends? Would it always be all or nothing for them? And if that was the case, did he want it to be all or nothing?

“But it sucks though. Cause there’s stuff that I just... I can talk to her about, unlike most other people. She knows me pretty well.” Jens said, a little smile spread on his lips. 

“Then just find someone else to know you. Hey, if the position is open...” Moyo said, punching Jens’ shoulder playfully. And Jens grinned in return, before continuing to eat. And it wasn’t like Moyo was wrong. There could be more than one person in his life that he had that type of connection with. But he just wasn’t sure if he wanted to go all-in with something new, if it meant leaving Jana in the past. 

“Did you also get the invite for the party from Zoë, by the way?” Jens asked. 

Moyo nodded, folding up the aluminum paper once he finished his kebab. “Jup.”

“I didn’t even get a text... Just part of the invite list on facebook.” Jens said, tilting his head.

“They can’t go around and individually texting 30 people though?” Moyo frowned, and Jens shook his head.

“No but... I feel like she would’ve texted me before. And it seems like all of that kind of randomly stopped last week at some point.” he said, pulling up his phone and scrolling through his messenger texts. And he was right. The last thing they texted about was meeting up for lunch. 

In that moment, his screen showed an incoming call from his mom, probably wondering why he wasn’t home for dinner, and he picked up with a sigh. “Yes?”

Moyo looked at Jens questioningly and when Jens mouthed ‘mom’ Moyo nodded, taking a sip from his soda. 

“Yeah well you should get used to cooking for one less person anyways...” Jens replied to his mom. “I’m having kebabs with Moyo.” 

The conversation ended a brief minute after that, and once Jens had put his phone down again, Moyo looked at him with a frown. “Was that... Did you say one less person?” Moyo asked, cautiously. 

Jens looked at his phone and then at his friend, and he bought himself some time by taking a few other bites of his food, but eventually he knew he should tell him, so after taking a sip from his soda, he finally nodded. 

“My dad is gonna be the one to move to Utrecht. The rest of us are staying here. At least until the end of 2020. Then they might extend my dad’s job, or he might come back to Antwerp. We don’t know precisely.” 

“Okay... So that’s chill. You get to stay here.” Moyo said, grinning and offering his friend a high five. And for a moment Jens wanted to sigh annoyed, because Moyo had no idea about the fact that none of this was chill, and that his family was rupturing. But then he concluded that he had shared enough for one afternoon, and so he reciprocated the high five, nodding as he stared off into the distance again. 


	83. Thursday - 20/02/2020 - 16.03

It had been three days now, and sadly no matter how hard her friend Lisa tried, the whole school had made conclusions about what happened on Monday. Terms like ‘gay bashing’ and ‘hatecrimes’ were whispered about her and people looked at her as she walked down the hallway. 

She was absolutely sick and tired of it, and the thought of showing up to Jana and Zoë’s party and having the same faces look at her, judging, was not her idea of a relaxing friday evening. She knew she would spend the evening hiding from everyone. She doubted even Jana would want to associate herself with her too much at the party, despite the texts she had been sending in an attempt to convince her to ignore the gossiping. 

Britt wanted to ask her a few times if she was just blind to the fact that her, Robbe and potentially Sander in the same room just wasn’t a good idea. And as she opened messenger and read back the texts she got from Sander yesterday, it became clear that it would be for everyone’s best interest if she stayed away. 

SANDER: [Don’t you think it’s a bit ridiculous to take out your anger on Robbe? He doesn’t need you to hate on him. He did nothing wrong. I did. So leave him be, okay?]

Britt had been contemplating replying a few times throughout yesterday afternoon, this morning, and once more right now as she stood by her locker at the end of the day. 

Eventually she decided against it, quickly jumping back to the chats overview. She didn’t need to scroll far to find the chat with Noor, and she sent out a hopeful text asking if they could meet up somewhere. She had to vent. And she had to do so with a person who would be able to see her perspective of things. 

Twenty minutes later she found herself at Groenplaats, and walked into the Starbucks there, meeting up with Noor on the second floor. “Hi.”

“Hello.” Noor smiled at her. She handed Britt her hot chocolate and smiled. 

“You remember?” Britt asked, to which Noor nodded proudly. “You detest Starbucks except for their bagels and their hot chocolate.” Noor nodded, before taking a sip from her own drink. Britt thankfully took a few sips from the hot chocolate, letting the hot liquid warm her up from the inside. 

“Yeah so... why exactly did we meet up here? There’s a starbucks at central station too, we could’ve just…”

Noor cut her off by putting up her finger and then pointing it at the street below. Britt followed her gaze, and frowned when she was pointing at some guys. At least 19 and muscular. One with a man bun and the other with a buzz cut.

“I like this place for the people watching.” Noor smirked, and tilted her head. “Especially if they’re hot people...”

Britt clicked her tongue and shook her head, taking another sip from her hot chocolate before she gave the view outside the window another chance, and then she couldn’t help but smile. There was no denying they were both very hot, generally attractive guys.

“So when are you putting yourself out there again? Because I’m ready to go up to those guys right now and ask their numbers...” Noor grinned, and Britt rolled her eyes with a smile. 

It had been like this for two whole months. Noor seemingly did not need that much time to recover from the break-up, ready and eager to meet new people and get a new boyfriend. And for as far as Britt was able to witness, she had left a few parties with a few people. But there hadn’t been a serious commitment yet. 

Britt on the other hand, she couldn’t see herself even talking to another guy at the parties they went to. Which reminded her...

“You know how I feel about it. I’m not the biggest fan of walking up to a random dude at a party. And I cancelled on the one from tomorrow, so -”

“Hold up, what?” Noor asked, frowning. “You cancelled on a party? Without consulting me?” she asked in mock offense. 

“No I... I had to. It’s Jana and Zoë’s birthday party.” Britt explained. 

Noor looked up, and acted out that she was trying to figure out what that meant, only to look at Britt questioningly. “Yeah, so? I don’t see a reason to cancel.”

“Robbe and Sander will both be there.” Britt continued, now looking down at her half-filled cup of hot chocolate. “And I may have sort of lashed out at Robbe in school on Monday.”

Noor made a ‘now I see it’ sound and took another sip from her own drink. “Lashed out how?” she asked, her face displaying a neutral curiousness. This was why Britt liked Noor. She was way more mature than most people their age. And yes she could get in over her head or perhaps have a bit of a single focus – boys – but she was a good listener.

“I was... I was just upset. My parents wouldn’t let me go on Scoutskamp this summer because they’re expecting me to work at the store. I was pissed at them and then I saw Robbe and after all the Valentine’s posts I just channeled my anger through him.” Britt said, her voice laced with remorse. “I slapped him.”

“Holy crap.” Noor exclaimed before she even realized. “Britt...” she said in a warning tone, and Britt nodded, looking outside again. The hot guys were gone now, so there went her nice distraction. 

“I know, okay? To make things worse, Sander found out -”

“Obviously.” Noor commented, before urging Britt to continue. 

“He found out and texted me to back off.”

Noor chuckled, and then nodded. “Well I do understand the need to step up and protect Robbe. That boy can have the tendency to let others walk over him sometimes...” Noor explained, before she saw her friend’s pained expression, and she sighed. “And look, I know that wasn’t your intention. And they must also know it wasn’t a malicious thing, right?” Noor asked. 

Brit shrugged. “I just... I’m having a really hard time rising above the jealousy. I... I may have said something about him not deserving happiness or something.” Britt said quietly. 

Noor rolled her eyes and looked at Britt. “Yeah okay that’s kind of pushing it.”

“I know, okay? I know I messed up. And I wished I could just not care. I wished that I could just be happy for them 100% but I just can’t seem to manage that. I loved him, Noor. I was in love with him, and I didn’t even get the chance to fight for him.”

Noor tilted her head, frowning. “Britt you used Sander being admitted into an institution to try and get yourself a spot back into his life. I think you fought. I think you’re just having a hard time grasping that you lost. But, and trust me I’m coming from the same experience, losing to a love like theirs is nothing to be ashamed over.” Noor smiled, nodding softly, convincingly.

“It’s embarrassing though...” Britt sighed, covering her face. “And now everyone at school thinks me hitting Robbe was a case of gay bashing. And that’s just not what happened. I simply want to move on...”

Noor looked up and smiled, taking Britt’s hand. “Good. Then you should. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Noor winked. “And tomorrow is your chance.”

Britt groaned and shook her head. “No, I’m not going there. Not by myself.” Britt said, then looking at her friend. “But... maybe you can come with me?”

Noor looked at Britt and tilted her head again, considering it. Last time she was at a party with that group of people was when she made out with Jens, but it wasn’t like there was any drama there. And she did feel like going to the party more so than the get-together her brother was hosting at their house. “Okay, I’m in.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, sure.” Noor nodded. “You’re sure they’re not gonna make a big deal out of it if I join though?” Noor asked, just to make sure.

Britt shook her head and wrapped both of her hands around her cup. “No it will be fine. It will be great, even.” Britt smiled.


	84. Friday - 21/02/2020 - 21.36

Half an hour since the official start time of the party had passed already, but in the spirit of being casually late, people were still arriving right now and Jana was somehow managing the people at the door to put their coats away while holding a beer in one hand and her phone in the other. 

She was texting Zoë, keeping an eye out for any unwanted visitors although she wasn’t exactly sticking to the guest list either. Word had spread, and even when choosing who to invite a while back, Jana had mentioned that she wouldn’t mind if more people showed up as long as the house would be clean by Saturday afternoon at 3PM when her mom would be back home. 

When she spotted Britt, she smiled and she hugged her tightly, in a way that only drunk Jana hugged people. “I’m glad you decided to come after all.”

“Yeah well...” Britt shrugged. 

“Hey.” Noor waved, appearing next to Britt. “Oh, nice dress!” She smiled, seeing Jana’s outfit. 

“Thanks!” Jana smiled, and then she instructed on where to hang their coats. When Britt pulled out a giftcard to Ici Paris XL, Jana smiled brightly and she hugged Britt once more, before telling her to have fun tonight. Taking a pause from her task by the door, Jana walked over to where the girls were gathered on the couch to show them. “Look what I got.”

“Oh, you should really get the new Dior perfume. It’s really great.” Amber recommended, before hooking her arm into Jana’s. “We can go shopping together if you’d want?” 

“Eh, sure.” Jana nodded, because at this point she was just about drunk enough to agree to something like that even though all the girls knew that a shopping trip with Amber could be more exhausting than your average workout. 

“So Britt did decide to show up then?” Yasmina asked, and Jana nodded, shrugging. “I don’t mind. As long as she doesn’t try to throw any breakable objects at Robbe’s head.” she chuckled. 

Yasmina gave her a look in return, that indicated Jana was being insensitive. “Anyways, I have to go girls…” Yasmina announced.

“Already?” Jana pouted, and Yasmina nodded before giving her a hug. “I will see you girls Monday.”

Jana let go of Yasmina when more people showed up at the front door, and she waved goodbye as she walked up to greet more people.

Yasmina then looked at Luca and Zoë who were in a conversation and probably didn’t even hear her. She then looked at Amber and Aaron who were mouthing words at each other from across the room. With another glance towards Jana, Yasmina tapped Zoë’s shoulder to get her attention.

“I have to go.” Yasmina repeated, and both Zoë and Luca got up to hug her goodbye. They knew Yasmina wouldn’t stay, but it still sucked she had to go already.

“You have money for the cab?” Zoë asked, and Yasmina nodded.

“Yeah. You guys keep an eye on her, yes?” Yasmina checked. “Jana is already pretty drunk, not even one hour in. And she’s losing her social filter.” Yasmina warned. Zoë took a drink from her orange juice.

“Well, she’s at her own house. So worst case scenario she gets shitfaced and we tuck her into bed.” Zoë nodded. “Don’t worry, we got it covered.”

“Me, worried?” Yasmina asked with a raised eyebrow, and Zoë smiled at that. 

“Don’t act like you don’t secretly like keeping an eye out for all of us.” Zoë teased, and Yasmina rolled her eyes but smiled, only because Zoë made it contagious.

“I think Jana is just gonna have to make the mistakes she has to make to learn her limits. I don’t think there’s anything either of us can do. Part of growing up. I mean, we’re 17 now.” Zoë chuckled. 

She couldn’t entirely believe it. That she moved back to Antwerp a year and a half ago. And how one year ago her parents changed their plan. She had decided back then, shortly after her 16th birthday, that for the first time in her life she was ready for her life no longer to be glued to theirs. Their paths were splitting up. And the last year, she had been surprisingly okay with all of that. 

She had discovered more of life, she had made mistakes, she had learned from them and she got back up afterwards. Despite of all the sadness that it had been laced with, the defining worth of the last year would certainly be growth. 

“I’ll walk with you, I have to say hi to some people.” she then said, and Yasmina nodded with a smile before they made their way through the living room. Zoë checked her lipstick in one of the mirrors in the living room, and then walked on into the hallway. And once Yasmina was waving down the sidewalk, Zoë focused on the people still arriving at the house.

She walked by people she knew, some of whom stopped her in her tracks to wish her happy belated birthday. She said hi to Celine and Stijn from her Dutch class, and smiled when Jasper and Ruben told her the party seemed fun. She leaned in the doorway between the living room and the hallway, watching Julie and Camille arrive, and Zoë smiled at them in contrast to Jana elaborately shouting “Welcome!”

Zoë looked down when her phone rang, and for a moment her heart stopped when the display showed only a phone number. But then, only a split-second later it switched to a profile picture and Milan’s name, and Zoë pressed the green button with a smile. “Hi, where are you guys?”

“Lisa got us lost by taking the wrong tram. We’re almost there now though.” Milan said. Zoë could hear Lisa protest in the background. “I called to check the house number... Was it 23?” 

“Yes, number 23.” Zoë smiled. “Jana will be at the door when you get here. Oh, wait...” Zoë said, looking outside. At the same time Milan exclaimed ‘finally’ through the phone. “Jup, I see you.”

Milan and Lisa approached the house and Zoë was glad they finally made it. She wasn’t sure what Milan did to convince Lisa to come with him, because she’d obviously prefer if they had thrown the party at the flatshare. 

“Jana! My favorite party girl!” Milan exclaimed, hugging her. “This is for you.” he said, then handing her a bottle of champagne. 

“Wow Milan...” Jana chuckled. “Thanks!” she said, showing off to Zoë. 

“Nice.” Zoë nodded. “Jonathan didn’t want to join?” she asked, while also receiving a hug from Milan. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. 

“No, he isn’t really into high school parties. He prefers to do stuff normal 20 somethings do.” Milan smiled. “So here we are, the weird 20-somethings who show up at high school parties.”

Lisa punched his arm in response. “I’m 19. You’re literally the only one older than 20, Milan.” she corrected, before hugging Zoë. 

“Okay can you guys maybe move into the living room? Cause the hallway is not that big...” Jana then spoke from behind them, and after Zoë showed them where to put their coats she walked with her roommates into the living room. 

“Is Robbe here already by any chance?” Milan asked, and Zoë nodded before taking a quick glance around, and then pointing at the kitchen, where he was talking to Moyo. “Okay, great, thanks.” Milan said before he walked off in the direction of the kitchen.

He navigated himself through the couples making out and the drunk teenagers headbanging to ‘teenage dirtbag’ and then he pulled out his phone with a smirk as he walked up to the kitchen counter. “Smile for the camera Moyo...”

“Oh, dude no.” Moyo laughed, shaking his head remembering the prank the guys pulled on him. Robbe put an assuring hand on Moyo’s shoulder before he greeted Milan. 

“So Jana’s house is kind of nice.” Milan smiled, and Robbe nodded, frowning a bit. 

“I guess... What do you want, Milan?” Robbe asked, knowing the way Milan was swaying from left to right that there must be something on his guru’s mind.

“Hey I’m going to go figure out why Jens isn’t here yet, leave you guys to talk.” Moyo then cut in, realizing he was third-wheeling already and he then left to call Jens by the window.

He eyed the street, but all he spotted outside was darkness and even the street lights weren’t really that helpful. When the call switched to voicemail he sighed and looked at his phone annoyed. When he looked up, one of the girls he vaguely recalled from school stood in front of him. 

“You’re Moyo, right?” she asked, and when Moyo nodded she smiled. “Great. I’m Laura. I was going to dm you on insta but then I saw you here at this party... I have a favor to ask.” 

Moyo grinned and leaned in a bit closer, nodding. “Sure, how can I help?”

“We need someone to help us on our dance team. You dance, right?”

“Well, I mean... I have some moves and stuff, maybe, yeah...” Moyo hesitated, bringing his hand to the back of his neck and looking outside nervously. Why was he so humble? He absolutely had bragging rights on his dancemoves... How was he so nervous.... 

“It’s not like, a cheerleader thing though, right?” he chuckled, and Laura shook her head, smiling as she tucked a stran of hair behind her ear. “Okay, yeah… Shall we meet up? What’s your insta?” Moyo said, pulling out his phone.

A minute later he was following Laura on insta, scrolling through her profile before he looked up before he finally saw Jens made it inside the party. “Hey, Suske. Did you lose Wiske on your way here or something?” Moyo chuckled, pointing out Jens’ bright red shirt that made him resemble the comic book character. Although that was probably a conclusion Moyo made because he was now 3 beers in and that’s when the ridiculous nicknames came out.

“Hahaha.” Jens deadpanned, before looking around with a frown. “Lots of people here already...”

“Yeah, you’re an hour late dude. You’ve already missed two awkward make-out sessions with Amber and Aaron.” Moyo said, then looking for their friend and spotting him making out with Amber against the wall. “Make that three.”

“Yeah, I should go say hi to Jana and Zoë. Do you know where they are?” Jens asked, and Moyo pointed him in the direction of Zoë dancing with Milan and Lisa. He shrugged when Jens asked where Jana was, as Moyo figured Jana was still saying hi to everyone who arrived at the party. If Jens didn’t notice her when he arrived, Moyo was none the wiser about it. 

“Hey.” Jens then said, walking up to Milan and Zoë dancing. “Nice party. Sorry I’m a bit late, but eh, happy birthday.” Jens said. What followed was a bit of an awkward mishap between a hug and a handshake, and Jens groaned. “Sorry. Eh... So do you know where Jana is?” he then asked Zoë. 

Zoë looked up and pointed at the door. “She’s been by the door most of the night. Although I guess most people are here by now so maybe she... Well, I don’t really know.” Zoë concluded. “Perhaps she is grabbing more beers?”

Jens hummed and moved along a bit too the music if only not to make it too awkward that he was not dancing in the middle of the designated dancing area. But he wasn’t ready to move on just yet, as he had a bit of a burning question he wanted to ask. “Did eh... did she say anything? About like, inviting me here?” he asked. 

Zoë frowned, obviously aware that Jana had talked to her about it but she tried not to make that too obvious. Based on Jens’ question, she couldn’t tell if he was offended or not. “What do you mean?”

“Well I... I get that it’s both of your party. But I would’ve figured she’d texted me about it? Like, I could’ve helped with some of the preparations or something? I only live two streets from here. But she... she hasn’t really talked to me. So I was just wondering -”

“Jens.” Zoë sighed, before noticing Milan was making a subtle exit from their conversation. Zoë pitied Jens a bit when he had a hopeful look about the fact that this all would have a satisfying explanation. But Zoë knew that wasn’t the case. “Look, Jana is... she is trying to figure out what she wants in life. She’s focused on the future right now, and discovering herself. And I think it’s a bit hard for her to look at the future and who she is becoming when she is surrounded so much by her past.” Zoë explained. 

She put a hand on his shoulder, trying to get him to understand with just a look, and she could see the rejection settle in and morph onto his face. “She wanted you here. And I do too. It’s not about that. I think she values you a lot. She just needs some time and space to grow.”

Jens nodded, trying not to show his feelings were hurt too much but he looked anywhere but directly at Zoë. He knew she might notice, and he wasn’t going to stand here all emotional like that. “Okay. Yeah that eh... that makes sense, I guess.” He nodded, before he spotted Robbe waving at him from across the room, his salvation.

He gestured to the direction of the kitchen to Zoë and then made his way over there, wordlessly grabbing the beer from Robbe’s hands and shugging what remained down.

“Easy there buddy...” Robbe chuckled, before reaching into the fridge to get two more, one for himself and one that Jens seemed to be needing. “What’s up? You just got here, or...?”

Jens nodded, before opening the second beer. “Yeah, I had to help Lotte with some homework stuff. She’s struggling a lot more this year with the dyslexia, so...” 

Robbe nodded but Jens knew he wasn’t going to be let off the hook that easily. “Well, and there’s the fact that I’m apparently holding Jana back from her future.” he sighed. He looked down at his beer, and suddenly he wasn’t sure if he wanted to drink it. If he wanted to stumble home drunk in a few hours, and get another lecture from his mom or having to ask Lies not to snitch on him. Maybe he should just leave?

“That’s ridiculous, Jens.” Robbe spoke, pulling Jens out of his thoughts. He tried to find the words, and took another sip from his own beer. “She’s drunk, so whatever she is saying -

“No, it wasn’t her who said it. It was Zoë. She said...” Jens burped briefly as a result of the previous chugging, before continuing. “She said Jana needs to look at her future and she can’t do that with her past lingering. Or something like that.” Jens explained, looking up. “And she seemed serious. I mean... Zoë doesn’t drink and always looks out for her best friend. So it has to be true. Jana must have said something or... I don’t know. I mean, I have no idea where this is coming from but...”

Robbe then spotted Noor and Britt in his peripheral vision, and he frowned, looking at Jens. “Do you think it’s, like, jealousy? Because of you and Noor?” Robbe asked, curiously. 

Jens frowned and shook his head. He and Noor weren’t even really a thing. He decided to take a few more sips of his beer. Fuck it, things at home were already worse enough. “Jana has no reason to be jealous. Me and Noor aren’t a thing, and me and Jana haven’t been at thing in over a year.”

Robbe shrugged, realizing he had no other explanation. But Jens’ point was pretty solid, because if it had been Zoë who told him then there must be some reasoning behind it. Zoë was protective of her friends enough that she would sometimes say what needed to be said for their own good. She had done it to him on occasion a few times. Which was why he found it so annoying that she wouldn’t allow him to talk sense into her after her break-up with Senne. 

“Okay well, let’s just not focus on that tonight though, shall we? We can figure out what’s going on another time. Let’s just chill, and enjoy tonight, okay?” Robbe said, and he drew Jens’ attention to the music, and he touched his beer against his friend’s. He knew Jens needed a distraction right now, and as his best friend it was his responsibility to help with that. 

“Thanks.” Jens nodded gratefully, and he then started drowning the emotions down with the beer, only half tuned in to the conversation when Moyo walked up to them and told them about meeting Laura, and when Aaron and Amber both joined them in the kitchen and they somehow ended up talking about different types of wine. Jens was thankful for Robbe providing him with a constant refill of beers, and he knew he must have drank at least four by the time he mentioned he needed to sit down.

Robbe and Moyo exchanged a look, and Robbe was about to interrupt Aaron when Moyo beat him to it, pulling on Jens’ shoulder and dragging him with him to the couch, leaving Robbe alone with Amber and Aaron. Robbe sighed deeply, his only opportunity of escaping Amber’s inquisition slipping away through his fingers.

“So is Sander not coming?” Amber then asked, and Robbe blinked, before releasing the beerbottle from his lips. 

“Eh, yeah he...” Robbe looked up and frowned. Where was his boyfriend actually? He checked his phone for the time, and noticed a missed text. Fuck.

SANDER: Got the condoms, heading to Jana’s house now... 

Robbe had read that text half an hour ago. It was followed by

SANDER: My fucking bike was stolen! 

SANDER: I have to walk there, so it’s gonna take a bit longer. 

Robbe let out an annoyed sound and then looked back at Amber who was stll waiting for an answer. “Yeah apparently his bike was stolen. But he should get here, soon.” And Robbe glanced over once more at Jens before deciding he was going to go outside and wait for Sander to get there. Which might seem ridiculous, he realized as he put on his coat again. But he knew it was the only way to give them both the opportunity to perhaps just ditch the party and head back to his house instead. 

“Where are you going?” Jana asked as she descended the stairs and noticed Robbe heading outside. “Are you tired of the party already?” she laughed. 

Robbe shook his head and smiled. “No no. Don’t worry. I’m just meeting Sander outside. We’ll be back.” he promised. It was a promise he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to keep, but he figured both Jana and Zoë wouldn’t really notice they were gone anyways, as the party was now in its peak and the house was filled with people.

Robbe stepped outside and let the cold February air touch his cheeks, closing the door to the party behind him.


	85. Friday - 21/02/2020 - 22.42

Robbe found himself on the sidewalk in the dark, looking from left till right trying to figure out what direction Sander would come from. He decided to turn on the flashlight of his phone, knowing that the sidewalk could be a bit uneven and he did already down a beer or two. Maybe three. 

He eventually decided to go left, towards the bigger road, and he walked by two houses before he could see Sander on the other side of the road, and a smile appeared on his face. Sander hadn’t seen him yet, looking down on his phone. Robbe crossed the road and walked up to him. “Sander.” Robbe spoke, catching his attention from 50 meters away. 

Sander looked up and smiled right away, laughing a little when Robbe sped towards him.

Robbe pulled Sander into his arms. “Sorry you had to walk all the way over here.” 

“It’s okay. I went to the supermarkt at Fruithoflaan, so it’s not that far.” Sander smiled, already feeling better now that he had his boyfriend’s embrace. “And you din’t have to meet me out here.” Sander said, letting go of Robbe so he could look at him. “I would have just looked for you at the party...”

“Yeah...” Robbe said as he looked at Sander. More specifically at his lips. “About that... I was thinking, and we don’t have to go to the party. We can just go to my place. I can make it worth your walk...” he smirked, reaching out for Sander’s hand, ready to pull him along for the 8 to 10 minute walk it would be back to Robbe’s house. He was already mapping out the route in his head. 

Sander leaned in to kiss Robbe, but when Robbe deepened the kiss, Sander pulled back so they wouldn’t get carried away. And as soon as he did that, he saw the confusion on Robbe’s face, and he prepared himself for another kiss, round two, to which Sander chuckled. 

The thing was, he loved when Robbe was eager and willing to show it. And if they didn’t have a social obligation then Sander would be all-in for the idea of just spending time together at Robbe’s. He just happened to be a sucker for social interaction, and the thing he hated most was bailing on plans with friends.

“Wait, Robbe... As much as I would like going to your place right now I do actually feel like going to the party though.” Sander explained. He took his boyfriend’s hand and pressed kisses to it in apology. “So let’s just go over there, hang out for a bit, and we’ll see in an hour or so. Deal?”

Robbe smiled, realizing that his boyfriend was much more of an extrovert than he was, and he leaned his forehead agains’t Sander’s in defeat. “Are you sure?” Robbe asked, despite knowing Sander had made up his mind already.

“Yes.” Sander chuckled. “But I still want to do what you’re thinking about when we get to your place, okay. So don’t worry, I promise we can have our fun later.” he whispered into his boyfriend’s ear.

Robbe blushed at that and took a step back, before Sander got him too flustered in the middle of sidewalk. “Okay then, let’s go back.” Robbe said, intertwining his hand with Sander’s.

He turned on his heels to head into the other direction, back to the house. And as they approached it, Robbe seriously wondered how Jana’s neighbours never had complained whenever she was home alone, because he could certainly hear the music from over on the sidewalk. 

And as they entered, it became obvious that the party was in full swing, and the coat hangers were much more full than when Robbe had first arrived. “So what did I miss?” Sander asked as they walked into Jana’s living room, the sound of the bass a bit overwhelming upon first impact. 

“Well... Milan asked us to go on a double date with him and Jonathan. He kind of roped me into saying yes so if you don’t wanna go you will have to tell Milan yourself.” Robbe smiled. He walked towards the fridge and grabbed a beer, only then realizing he was being a bit reckless with them and reconsidering. ”Eh... Do you want one?” Robbe asked, and Sander nodded so Robbe gave him the beer he was holding.

“You don’t?” Sander asked, and Robbe shook his head when Sander pointed at the bottle. Sander then took a few sips and then looked back at Robbe, leaning sideways against the counter. “Well don’t worry. I don’t mind going on a double date. It could be fun, right?” Sander spoke. 

Robbe shrugged, and then spotted Noor dancing with some guy from 6th year, before turning back to Sander, who seemingly also spotted her. “Jana told me Britt brought her. It was nice of her to give me the heads up at the beginning of the party, so there was no ambush.”

Sander looked at Robbe and he started to question his own suggestion of joining Robbe later in the night instead of going to the party together. But Sander’s parents had insisted on family dinner tonight, and then Robbe also made him pick up condoms at the store so he felt like he had already missed a large part of the evening . And with Britt showing up at the party after all, he couldn’t help but feel anxious about it.

Sander reached to touch the side of his face, and Robbe closed his eyes for a moment. “Don’t worry, I haven’t run into Britt so far.” Robbe assured him.

“Good.” Sander nodded, before he let go of the hand that was stroking Robbe’s face, and he switched his beer bottle back and forth a few times before taking another sip. “Anything else I missed?”

“It’s just the usual. Jana is pretty drunk, Amber and Aaron are all over each other... Stuff like that.” Robbe narrated as they both looked back into the crowd. “What are you going to do about your bike, by the way? Did you file a police report?” Robbe asked, moving a bit closer and tilting his head.

“It’s a stolen bike. In Antwerp.” Sander deadpanned. “A report would be useless. And I don’t really feel like being in touch with the police if I can avoid that.” Sander said. He looked at Robbe and frowned. “You know that already...”

Robbe sighed and rolled his eyes. “I do. I just... it’s kind of inconvenient if you don’t have your bike, right? You don’t like to take public transport...” Robbe said. He knew Sander well enough by now to know that he liked his freedom, and the ability to hop on his bike and go anywhere in the city. But he also knew how Sander felt about getting involved with the police, so maybe he should have known Sander wasn’t planning on filing a report. Just like he had convinced Robbe months ago not to file a report either. 

“Well if you don’t mind I’m just gonna have to stay at yours place over the weekend then. If you can take in a refugee stranded on this side of the ring?” Sander teased with that half smirk of his. Robbe scoffed in reply and pulled Sander in for a kiss, a dizzying one that left him a bit breathless and that reminded him he had promised Sander exactly 60 minutes until they could go home and be alone. 

Then, he heard someone clear their throat behind them, and Robbe assumed he was just blocking the fridge but when he saw Britt standing there, he immediatly pulled himself back away from Sander. 

Sander didn’t fail to notice how Robbe turned in on himself and lost all sense of confidence, and it frustrated him so much to see his boyfriend so afraid of the judgement coming from his ex. “Britt, I swear if you’re here to start drama -”

“No, I... I’m not. I promise.” Britt cut in, holding her hands up defensively. “I just...” She sighed deeply, frustrated at herself. “I actually came over to apologize. I looked for you at school today but I guess we weren’t in the same building.” she explained, turning to Robbe. 

Robbe shrugged, not really planning on replying. He didn’t really have anything to say. If she wanted to apoligize he would listen, but he mainly just wanted her to leave them alone. 

Britt seemed to get that message, and she looked away for a moment, trying to form the right words to say that would convince her sincere regret. 

“I’m sorry for what I did on Monday. And for what I said. You... I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that.” she spoke. 

Sander slowly relaxed his shoulders a bit, and looked at Robbe cautiously. His whole body turned towards him, giving him his full focus. Britt’s words were background noise. They were meant for Robbe, not him. And all he wanted to do was try to make sure Robbe felt comfortable about this. And seeing how Robbe wasn’t fully reacting, Sander reached his hand to touch Robbe’s arm.

“There’s more.” Britt said, when she realized the lack of response. She had to try harder, perhaps. Make her words more sincere. Give them more meaning. “I was wrong when I said you didn’t deserve happiness. You do. You deserve all of it. Both of you do. And I know I need to grow up and get over it. I know I’m the one holding myself back from moving on. And I will try to let go of that.”

Sander noticed she was now also talking to him, but he couldn’t turn away from Robbe right now. 

“Maybe one day we can all be normal around each other again. Without all the awkwardness...”

Robbe reacted to that, raising his eyebrow. “Like with Jana and Jens?” he asked. 

Britt spotted Jana in the distance and then looked back at Robbe. And when she looked back at Robbe, his look was pretty damning. But she knew she probably deserved it. 

“Jana was my best friend once. Us fixing that... That’s different.” she said, thinking back to when she finally burried her fued with Jana more than a year ago. 

“But we, we only have a year and a half at school left. All I want is for us to be able to finish that in a civil way. If we... If we see each other in the hallways or something. No more slaps. No more looks.” Britt spoke. 

“I’ve never tried to slap you or looked at you like you disgusted me...” Robbe responded, and then he looked down at where Sander softly moved his hand, and he knew it was to bring awareness to his words. Robbe realized it was now mostly the alcohol talking, and so he tried to get over that. “But yeah, sure... We can be civil.”

“Okay. That’s... That’s all I wanted to say.” Britt spoke, then smiling a little.

“Thanks for apologizing.” Sander nodded, now finally adressing her again and he could tell it came as a surprise to her. 

“We can’t always control the circumstances, but we can control how we react to them, right?” Britt mimicked. Robbe realized it was clearly a quote, and seeing the way Sander reacted to it, it had some significance that peaked Robbe’s interest right away. 

He tempered his curiousity until Britt had walked away from the kitchen though, and even managed to let Sander drag him into the crowd, dancing along to the music. And an hour and a half later, following two more beers, Robbe was hanging onto Sander’s shoulder as they made their way to Robbe’s house. 

His instructions were vague (we’re almost there when you pass the grey house – Robbe there’s a lot of grey houses. It’s fucking Berchem.) but eventually they made it into the kitchen through the back door of Robbe’s house, and Robbe shushed Sander for closing it loudly behind them. 

“You’ll wake up my mom.” Robbe whispered loudly, and Sander chuckled. But the sudden urge of responsibilty had sobered Robbe up, and as he took off his jacket he eyed Sander cautiously while he did the same. 

“What was that quote Britt said?” Robbe decided to ask once they had tiptoed into Robbe’s room and Sander was in the process of getting undressed. He paused his movements, frowning, and then very quickly he was kissing Robbe’s lips. 

And Robbe let him. Because kissing Sander already felt like home, but kissing Sander in his own room was the most comfortable he ever felt. He let that warm sensation distract him for a moment. He let the heat build in his stomach, he even let Sander’s hand slip into his pants. But then he stopped. 

“Sander...” he insisted, and when Sander looked up he knew Robbe wouldn’t be distracted any further. He sighed and shook his head. “It’s nothing. Just... Something my dad told Britt when I introduced the two of them. My dad uses that quote often. With my illness, and...”

“So she was doing what? Trying to prove she has a connection to you, to your dad, that I don’t?” Robbe asked, frowning. Sander could see he was getting a bit upset. 

“No no, I... I don’t think that’s what she was doing. Trust me, I know when Britt is fighting for something and it seemed to me like she accepted to stop fighting it.” Sander explained. He pressed a kiss to Robbe’s lips, but got little response. 

“Baby, you don’t have anything to worry about anymore. I don’t think he’s not gonna be a problem from now on, I could tell she meant it. I’m yours, okay? I’m all yours.” Sander spoke. 

And to that, Robbe looked at him and then his face morphed into relief, and next their lips collided again, Robbe now moving them to the bed. 

“Damn right you’re mine. And I’m yours. In every universe.”

Sander nodded and smiled in the kiss, and as his back his the matress, he echoed the words in his head.

I’m his, and he is mine.


	86. Saturday - 22/02/2020 - 09.22

It was still pretty early in the morning when footsteps descended down the stairs and made their way into the kitchen, pulling open the fridge and moving around some of the items to make an inventory on what the options for breakfast were. 

Zoë smiled when she found eggs, and she turned around to try and figure out which one of the kitchen cabinets at Jana’s house contained the pans, and on the second attempt she guessed right. A pan, two scrambled eggs and a glass of milk was all Zoë needed to get some breakfast and then she would be ready for the day. And as she sat down in the kitchen, eating her breakfast, she took in the mess that was Jana’s living room. She checked the clock, indicating it was 9.26 and she wondered how Jana was going to get all of this clean in 5 hours. 

And if she said she wasn’t tempted to help out with the cleaning, she would be lying. However it had been the one thing that Jana insisted on, which was that after the party Jana herself would deal with the clean-up and she did not need Zoë to stick around for that. And so Zoë restricted herself to washing what she had used for breakfast once she was done with it, which was the least she could do. 

She then heard footsteps behind her and frowned, not expecting Jana up this early but then again it would make sense if she understood the massive amount of cleaning that would be required. However when she turned around, Zoë saw a stranger standing in front of her. Or perhaps not entirely a stranger. She knew his name was William, notorious bad boy from the ‘rival’ school and that he was the guy that she had seen Jana kissing with at the end of the evening last night.

“Eh hi. Did I miss breakfast?” the guy smiled, and Zoë looked at the pan she was in the process of washing, and then looked back at the guy. She scoffed. She knew his kind all too well. 

“Okay eh... Willem, was it?” she asked, and she could tell he was about to protest but she shook her head, not giving him the chance. “You stayed the night after sleeping with my best friend who was clearly super wasted last night, and now you have the audacity to show up here wanting to be served breakfast... Am I interpreting this correctly?” Zoë asked.

The guy on the other side of the counter smirked rubbing his chin. He seemed intrigued. Which was just about the opposite Zoë wanted to accomplish. “Well I could also keep you company here, if you’d like that better. You’re Zoë, right? I heard you have a thing for bad boys...” 

Zoë shook her head and looked at the guy in front of her up and down, then she raised an eyebrow. “The only thing I have with bad boys is that I tell them to get over themselves and stop behaving like a fucking cliché. There’s the door, Willem.” Zoë said, pointing towards the hallway.

She wasn’t fazed by him, or his smooth act. She had heard enough stories about him and his friends, about how they would beat up people for no reason, or simply by association. She wasn’t surprised he knew her, by association too.

“It’s William.” the guy said, before turning around and walking towards the hall. “Tell your friend to call me if she wants to have a good time some time...” he said loudly from the hall, and Zoë rolled her eyes, sighing in relief when the front door finally closed. 

Six minutes later Zoë stood in Jana’s room with her coat and shoes on, trying to wake her friend. “Jana, I’m leaving. And I’ve also took out the liberty to put out the trash.” Zoë said. 

Jana groaned and then shook her head. “No Zoë I told you you didn’t have to clean anything!”

Zoë chuckled. “No I actually meant that asshole William... You slept with him?” Zoë asked. She wasn’t judging. But she did feel like she should know if she had come to the right conclusion considering he spent the night.

Jana shrugged, then smiling. “I know he’s an asshole. But he’s a good looking asshole. And the rumors are true...” she smirked. 

Zoë rolled her eyes for the second time. “Anyways... Happy birthday Jana.” and then she just waved at Jana, receiving a tired wave in return. Jana was able to keep her eyes open just long enough to see Zoë close the door to her room, and then she fell back asleep. 

It was another three hours until Jana woke up, suddenly awaking in panic mode because she knew she had now overslept, and when she grabbed out her phone to check the time, she noticed it was already 12.39.

“Fuck.” she cursed, sitting upright and reaching for a mismatched top and pair of comfortable pants, before she grabbed her phone again. She allowed herself to scroll through all the messages and tagged posts on instagram celebrating her birthday. But as soon as she walked into the living room she put her phone away and she started scanning the damage. 

Nothing seemed broken, and she put on the radio on the tv, tying up her hair in a messy bun before hypeing herself up. She could do this. She would just have to be smart about it. Besides, her mom knew there would be a party, so there was no point in trying not to make it obvious. She just had to make the house look presentable. 

She decided to start up with gathering all the bottles, lining them up in the kitchen counter. For fun she decided to count them, all 42 of them, and she sent a picture to the girls to show them the ‘haul’ of the night. After the beer bottles came the glasses, and she smiled when all of the wine glasses successfully survived the night, putting them down in the dishwasher for cleaning. Next she moved on to grabbing a garbage bag and throwing in all the napkins and other trash she could find around the house, followed by a quick wipedown of all the main surfaces. She then grabbed her mom’s favorite blanket on the couch and fluffed up the pillows before draping the blanket over the back.

Jana was in the middle of putting the decorative items back on their place when she heard the front door open and someone called out her name, causing an instant smile on her face. 

“There you are. Happy birthday my little girl....” Jana’s mom smiled as she walked towards her daughter with open arms.

Jana rested her chin on her mom’s shoulder, and she sighed. “I’m not a little girl anymore mom. I’m 17...”

“Right.” her mom chuckled, before letting go of her and taking a look around the house. “Did you have a good time at your party, yesterday?”

Jana nodded, tucking her hands in the pockets of her sweatpants. “Yeah, it was nice. I’m exhausted right now, but everyone was here and had fun.”

“And you did not ask Zoë to help you clean afterwards?” her mom asked, walking over to inspect the sticky stain on the coffee table that Jana had failed to get rid of. She shook her head, before sitting down on the couch, shrugging. “It’s not too bad though, right? I mean... it’s mostly clean.”

Her mom smiled and sighed deeply. “Honestly it’s not even that important right now. I’m just glad to be home, and that we can celebrate your birthday together.”

“Me too mom.” Jana nodded. 

As her mom announced she’d just get freshened up after her flight, Jana decided to finally look at the dozens of messages and notifications on her phone while eating some cheese toast, and she read and replied to each of them.

Aunt, uncles, cousins and even her grandmother had all messaged her. Among the more surprising ones were a message from Luca Lemmens, who mentioned he wished he was invited to the party, and Sander who apologized for being late at the party but mentioned he had a good time and wished her a fun birthday. She reckoned Robbe was behind that one. But it did remind her, and made her do a double take, to conclude that she hadn’t received a text from Jens. Her fingers were typing quickly.

JANA: [Did Jens say something last night?]

She copy-pasted the text to both Robbe and Zoë, hoping either one of them knew. She then nervously bit her lip and awaited a reply.

ZOE: [Well you weren’t exactly subtle so he asked, and I told him to give you some space…]

Fuck. Jana ran a hand through her hair, before another text came in.

ROBBE: [He seemed a bit upset. After it became clear you were hooking up with that William guy, he left the party. That’s all I know.]

Jana shook her head, and then put her phone away again.

“Hey eh, Jana. Can we talk for a moment?” her mom said as she walked back in, wearing different clothes. Jana nodded and repositioned on the couch so she could talk to her mom. 

“I eh... Well, as you know I just got back from Italy. And while I was there, I was in a meeting with some very important people. My boss’ boss was there, too.”

Suddenly Jana’s heartbeat rose as her mom was taking a long look around the living room where they were currently sitting. Jana recalled the conversation she had with her mom about moving and selling their house a few months ago. Her mom had reassured her that they would always have this house, as it was the place where they became a family. Jana tried holding on to that comfort.

“She mentioned that they are looking for someone with my level of experience to join the office in New York. And it is not formal yet, but they might be offering me a job at an office in the united states.”

“Mama....” Jana said, her bottom lip trembling. “What do you mean?” she asked, her voice shaky and her eyes filling up with tears.

Jana’s mom reached for her daughter’s hand, and she nodded as a reconfirmation of what Jana was thinking. “It means that we might move to New York.”

Jana started shaking her head. First slow, then faster.

“And leave Antwerp?” Jana asked, with tears in her eyes. She removed her hand from her mom’s abruptly. “Wh… Why would you tell me that today? On my birthday?”

Jana’s mom looked at her with apologetic eyes. “I just wanted to be honest with you from the beginning. I didn’t know this offer was going to show up when I left on this trip.” She explained. But it was no use. Jana couldn’t listen to it anymore.

“I don’t care. The whole day is ruined!” she yelled. She dropped her arms down aimlessly. “Awesome birthday present mom. Truly.” she spoke, before she walked out of the living room and returned to her room, stomping her feet on the way upstairs.

She was exhausted, and she was hungry, and she was scared of what it all meant. And her head was pounding right now, so she closed her eyes and forced herself to sleep, trying to escape from this mess for now.

Jens wasn’t wishing her a happy birthday. She had slept with one of Antwerp’s biggest fuckboys. And they might move to New York.

New York.

Fuck.


	87. Sunday - 23/02/2020 - 16.13

Jens checked his phone, and noticed another notification from Jana appearing on the screen. It had been the fourth message he’d received from her in two days. All casual, chill texts. And Jens was aware that she was probably waiting for him to congratulate her on her birthday. But that was yesterday. And he had been on the verge of sending her a text a few times last night. But in the end he didn’t, Zoë’s words echoing through his head. He was her past. And he would respect that.

He continued to skate down the sidewalk, on his way to the skatepark. It took him another few minutes until he arrived, and when he did he could see Aaron was just about to walk off. 

“Are you leaving now?” Jens asked, approaching the boys. 

“Yeah, I have to go pack. We leave at like 9PM tonight.” Aaron explained, checking his watch and concluding he still had 5 hours to pack left. But if he wouldn’t get back home, his mom would do it for him and he wouldn’t have the stuff with him that he wanted. “What about you?” Aaron asked. 

“We also leave tonight.” Jens nodded. “But I’ve already packed.” he shrugged. It had been a good distraction last night, and he kind of wished it took him longer because it gave him something to do while his mom was downstairs on the phone with his aunt explaining the future family dynamic.

‘Long-distance marriage’ she had called it. Jens had overheard it from the upstairs hallway. He hated the term. He wished they would just call it an unofficial separation, at least that his parents owed to him. There would be no more marriage. In his eyes, real married people didn’t choose to live apart.

“I’m seriously jealous of you boys.” Moyo sighed. 

Aaron grinned and then received an incoming call from Amber. “Shit. I gotta go guys, Amber is calling me. Until next week!” he yelled, as he walked off into the distance, putting the phone to his ear.

Jens sat down on the bench now that the spot was available and kicked his board up so it wouldn’t start rolling around. “What do you mean? You have plans for this break, right?” Jens asked.

Moyo shrugged. “You guys have cool plans for krokusvacation abroad. I will be just here in the city.” Moyo explained. All he had planned was to watch his siblings while his parents went to a wedding. And probably binging some stuff on netflix, since the current weather basically made it impossible to go outside much.

“What about that Laura girl?” Robbe asked. “You can hang out with her, right?” he suggested. 

Moyo shrugged, leaning his back against the bench. “I don’t know. She’s invited me to a workshop on Thursday. But I’m not sure if I wanna go. I mean, it’s a group thing, so what if she really just wants me to join her dance crew and she’s not interested in... Me?”

“The only way to figure out is to go there, man.” Jens spoke. “Just go and see what she has to say. If she’s into you then you will know. If it’s just a dance crew thing, then at least you will have met a new group of cool people. Seems like a win-win.”

“Yeah. And if you do want us to hang out at some point, just let me know. I’m going to my dad’s for a few days on Thursday but I’m here in the city the next three days.”

Moyo looked at Robbe and rolled his eyes. “Won’t you be busy with Sander?”

“Sander has class. So not really.” Robbe shrugged. And while Robbe knew Sander probably wouldn’t like the idea of not being able to meet up, Robbe also knew that Moyo needed the option to exist. If there was one thing he knew it was that it sucked to feel like you had nobody to talk to. The last thing he wanted to do was appear too busy to hang out with his friend.

“I will keep you to that, Robbedoes...” Moyo nodded, giving Robbe a fistbump. 

And maybe the boys were right. Maybe this whole break wasn’t so bad. Once his siblings were too bed and his parents were at the wedding, he’d also have the house to himself which was a rare occasion. And the week off had already started well with the party on Friday, which was fun for sure. 

“Hey dudes, what about that party Friday by the way? It was kinda sick, right...”

“Yeah.” Robbe chuckled. “Jana really went all out this year.” He thought back to the party last year, which was more like a small gathering where they ate pizzas. Back then it had been a bit awkward with Jens and Jana recently broken up, but it was fun regardless. Robbe wasn’t sure which party he preferred. But with his own seventeenth birthday still many months away, he knew he had plenty of time to figure it out.

“And that William dude? How did he end up there? I didn’t know any of our friends knew his friends...” Moyo said. 

Jens noticed the two other guys had their eyes on him, and he shrugged. “I don’t know either? It’s not like I know Jana’s entire friend list on facebook...”

“Maybe it was a connection through the Beat Boys?” Robbe suggested. “Senne, or Luca, maybe?”

Moyo frowned, shaking his head. “They hate each other.”

“Hmm, true.” Robbe hummed. In which case he was lost about the answer to that question.

Jens groaned when he heard his phone buzz again, knowing that it was either Jana or his mom and he didn’t need any of them trying to get a hold of him at the moment. But to his surprise, when he checked, it wasn’t his phone buzzing. 

“It’s mine.” Robbe clarified, staring at the screen. It was his dad.

“Aren’t you going to pick up?” Moyo asked, and Robbe shrugged. He looked at his phone a little bit longer, until eventually the call went to voicemail, and he put his phone back in his pocket. 

“I thought things were better since Christmas with you guys?” Jens asked, frowning. No matter how much shit his family was currently going through because of his dad’s new job, he still knew it was not like what Robbe had experienced. Robbe’s dad had walked out because it got too hard to deal with his mom. That was different.

“I mean, yeah. He dealt pretty well when I came out and stuff. But every time I think he’s not too bad I think about my mom and how he just decided he didn’t want to deal with her anymore. And then I get pissed at him all over again.”

Robbe sighed. It was complex, far more complex than he could explain in two sentences. But he knew that he wasn’t obligated to pick up his calls. There was nothing he could think of that would need to be said between them. They had already made their plan for Thursday. It was all set. 

“Anyways, speaking of dads I promised I’d help mine out with cleaning up the broken branches in the back yard.” Moyo said, getting up from the bench.

“I literally just got here?” Jens said, pointing out Moyo and Aaron both left within ten minutes. Then again, he did arrive 40 minutes late…

“Yeah and I stayed this long to wish you a good trip. Send us some sick go pro videos, okay? Aaron will probably suck at it so I didn’t really ask but Robbe told me you can snowboard, so that’s cool.”

Jens realized he had not packed his go pro yet. Fuck. “Eh yeah. Sure, I will.” Jens said without looking up. He was now solely focused on his board.

Moyo frowned, and exchanged a look with Robbe when they both noticed Jens was acting weird again. “Alright. Enjoy the snow! Robbedoes, I’ll text you.” Moyo said, before walking off. 

And once he had left the park, Jens looked up again slowly.

“Shall we just skate for a bit?” Jens suggested.

Robbe grinned. 

“Well actually Jens, I wanted to have a heart to heart and maybe invite you for a threesome with me and Sander. But sure yeah, skating works.” he laughed. 

Robbe knew drastic measures were needed to cheer up his best friend, and when Jens looked serious for a moment and then laughed loudly, Robbe knew he had succeeded. 

“Idiot.” Jens said as he pulled Robbe’s beanie down his face. “Alright, let’s go to that side of the park...” he said as he got up and started walking to the other side of the skatepark. 

Robbe laughed and got up to follow after him, proud of himself in accomplishing to make his best friend smile despite whatever worries were on his mind. Cause even if they weren’t the biggest fans of their dad’s decisions, or if he was a bit concerned about Jana’s decision and the impact it had on Jens, as long as they could joke around things weren’t too bad. 


	88. Monday - 24/02/2020 - 13.45

“I looked it up, and it’s snowing over there right now.” Amber said, her voice laced with envy while looking at pictures of Oslo in wintertime on her phone. “Everything covered in white.” she said, with a dreamy look in her eyes. Meanwhile the park they were sitting at showed not a single centimeter of snow. The only thing there that was cold were the surface of the bench they were sitting on.

“Yeah but it’s also freezing...” Jana said, bursting Amber’s winter wonderland bubble. “And Zoë said that the norwegian people seem to be immune to that which is why seeing people walk outside the street can be so deceiving.”

“Which is why I’m having ice cream. Frostbite by proxy.” Luca grinned. She then dug into her scoop of chocolate ice-cream, and Yasmina, Jana and Amber looked at her with frowns. “What?” she asked.

“Where did you even find an ice-cream vendor? It’s february.” Yasmina asked. 

Luca shook her head, licking off her spoon. “Oh no this is just a mini tub of chocolate ice cream from the store. I found in our freezer at home. I’m pretty sure it’s leftover from the summer, and it expires next month so I figured I’d eat it.” 

Jana exchanged a look with Yasmina and she imagined that Zoë would probably have a nutritional fact to share about ice cream just about now. As much as it felt weird to meet up without her, she was glad that Zoë had decided to go abroad during this week off.

And she’d be back soon enough. The first thing that Zoë had promised was that she wouldn’t leave until after their party. The second thing was that she’d be back by Saturday morning because one week with her parents was just what she could handle. 

And so Jana knew they would be able to talk soon. But she also felt like it wouldn’t be soon enough. She really needed to talk to someone about her mom’s job offer in New York, and Zoë would typically be the first person she told. With her best friend out of the country, Jana hadn’t told anyone yet. 

Jana looked at the girls and bit her lip. She could tell them now. She could get some opinions. Figure out if she had a good reason to be a little bit pissed off at her mom.

Because she was, and when she had lashed out at her mom on Saturday it hadn’t been a temporary emotion. It felt unfair to have to leave Antwerp. And despite knowing deep down that it was a great opportunity and that she would adapt to a new environment, the overall sentiment was the fact that she would have to give up too much. And she wasn’t ready to do that. 

“Jana?” Yasmina asked, and Jana blinked out of her thoughts to realize the girls had asked her something. “Sorry, what?”

“Have you reconsidered getting the bangs, or is that still happening?” Luca asked, a repeat of a question she had just asked but that Jana hadn’t heard. And while she did hear it now, she had no idea what exactly Luca was talking about. 

“Bangs?” Jana frowned. “Me?”

Amber nodded, looking up from her phone. “Yeah, you said you wanted to get bangs, at your party.”

Jana started laughing loudly, shaking her head. That sounded like something she would say. But it also sounded a lot like something that should stay in the drafts of drunk Jana, and not actually become a reality. 

“Eh, no. I think I was just a bit too drunk when I said that. Did I.... did I have any specific reasoning for it?” Jana asked. She wished she could have conversations with her drunk self sometimes. It would be pretty convenient for stuff like this. 

“Just that you thought they might make you look more mature.” Luca recalled. She also recalled calling out the contradiction between wanting bangs to make her look more mature, and wearing Disney socks over tights at her 17th birthday party.

“Oh.” Jana said, pouting her lip a bit because for once, she was actually a bit impressed. Unlike most of her wild ideas when she got drunk, getting bangs cut didn’t seem like an over the top idea and the reasoning behind it was not so bad either. 

Perhaps bangs would actually make her look older. When she had her braces finally removed, she could tell that people took her more seriously. And if she wanted to keep her eye on the future, then perhaps a change of style was what she needed. 

“Oh oh guys, we’re losing her to the idea...” Luca grinned seeing the considering look on Jana’s face.

“I mean... Would it be that horrible?” Jana shrugged and smiled. 

“Wait, hold on.” Amber said, before she grabbed a strand of hair from Jana and placed it on top of her head, so that the bottom of it would look like bangs on her forehead. 

“No no, a bit more spread out.” Yasmina commented, and once Amber adjusted the hairs, the girls took a few seconds to consider it. 

“So?” Jana asked, her eyes looking upwards but obviously she couldn’t see what it looked like from the girls’ perspective. So she grabbed out her phone and used her camera as a mirror. “Okay... Well, that doesn’t look horrible to be honest. Right?”

“I think you could pull it off...” Yasmina nodded. 

“Yeah. Elle Magazine did recommend changing up looks for the spring so maybe you should.” Amber agreed.

“I mean, you’d look hot. Perhaps you might be able to get a do-over with William...” Luca finally said a wink and an eyebrow wiggle. 

Jana gasped and shook her head. She knew they would mention that at some point. It surprised her it even took this long. “Eh no, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

“You’re not into the bad boy type after all?” Amber grinned. 

Jana shook her head and raised her shoulders. “No, I... I mean I don’t know. He was fun, but certainly a one time thing. I didn’t really care about the bad boy thing either. He was one of the few acceptable choices to hook up with at the party.” Jana explained. 

“Acceptable choices?” Yasmina asked, curiously. She wondered what characteristics Jana had in place for that ranking. Then again, she wasn’t sure if she truly wanted to know.

“Well, it was William or Bram or Jens. And Bram has that whole STD rumor going around, so....” Jana said, waving her hand.

“So you’re saying you were considering Jens more than Bram?” Luca frowned, surprised.

“No... what I’m saying is that out of the three of them, William was the best option.” Jana countered.

“That doesn’t explain why Jens is on the number two spot.” Amber reasoned. 

“What’s important is that he wasn’t on the number one spot.” Jana replied sternly. She had promised herself he wouldn’t be an option anymore. Not now, not in a year’s time. She had to keep that door sealed forever. For both of their sakes. And if that meant him ignoring her for a while, then she could live with that just fine.

“Yeah but.... William? Jana, you could do so much better than some Senne copycat from another school. I mean compared to William, Senne isn’t even half as bad.” Yasmina said. 

Jana frowned, and leaned forward a bit so she could lock eyes with Yasmina. She recalled not too long ago when Yasmina made it pretty clear she did not support Senne and his actions in reference to the break-up with Zoë. Now she was defending him? “Since when are you on the Senne defense squad?”

“Since he at least never hooked up with people from another school.” Yasmina replied. 

“As far as we know of.” Luca cut in. 

“Yeah okay eh, how about we do not go around bringing reminders to how many people Senne may have slept with. I don’t need to think about that. “ Amber said, holding up her hands. “I really don’t want to get tested for an STD...” Amber explained, a scared look in her eyes. 

Jana smiled and leaned her arm on Amber’s shoulder. “Oh Amber, sweetheart... unless you’ve slept with Senne more recently than 15 months ago, I think you’re good.

“And if you have, we wouldn’t tell Aaron. Girl squad honor.” Luca spoke, holding out her two fingers in a peace sign.

“No, what? No! Of course I haven’t slept with Senne! I’m with Aaron now, remember?” Amber gasped.

“Oh right. How could we forget.” Yasmina sighed sarcastically.


	89. Tuesday - 25/02/2020 - 18.23

Aaron took a relaxing breath as he got onto the bed, stretching himself out, then bending one leg and resting his arm behind his head. It would be a while before his parents would call him to go to dinner, and unlike his sister he was already fully dressed and ready to go. 

He looked out at the winter landscape through the window. From this spot he could see the mountains in the distance. That’s why he’d always chosen this bed, since he was little. Meanwhile his sister had the bed closest to the door because that one was closer to the attached bathroom. They had made that deal back when they were 8.

They had been coming here for at least ten years every two years, as his dad and uncle switched up who got the cabin each year. He looked forward to the trip for weeks, the excitement usually starting once school started back up in January. For his family this was their vacation time, as the summers were often way too busy for his parents at work. So it was one week with the four of them. And he usually loved that it was just them.

But this year was different though. This year he had just moved to Antwerp over the summer and being in the city still felt a bit foreign and weird. But he had great friends, who he could hang out with. And most of all, he now had a girlfriend. And that changed everything. The fact that the trip was already booked and his relationship with Amber was still very new, had ultimately lead to fact that Amber wasn’t there with him.

He looked up when he heard the blow-dryer in the bathroom, and then he picked his phone from his pocket, opening up the messenger app and trying to figure out who to text. He smiled when he saw Amber was online, and opened the chat to read their conversation from earlier today.

AMBER: [Okay I will talk to you later today! Have fun x]

AARON: [Just got back to the cabin, we’re having dinner soon…]

AARON: [I really missed you today.]

The last message he’d sent was from an hour and a half ago. And he knew that perhaps it was a bit eager, but he couldn’t help it. He pressed the video button, and he waited until the call connected. 

When Amber appeared on the screen, she was frowning at first but quickly smiled once the cameras synched up.

“Hey handsome! Oh I’m so glad to see you.... I thought you were going out for dinner?” Amber spoke on the other end of the call. 

A smile appeared on Aaron’s face. “Eh yeah. We are. But my sister is still getting ready so I had a few spare minutes and I wanted to see you.”

Amber tilted her head in a soft smile. “Aw, you missed me that much?”

“Of course I do.” Aaron scoffed. “I wish you could be here right now. You should see this view I have from the window here.” Aaron said, then realizing he was holding his phone and he could just turn the camera. “Hold on, I will show you.”

He moved closer to the window and pointed out. “Up there is where we go skiing.” He said, pointing at the mountains in the distance.

Amber gasped and she looked at the view in admiration. “You have to take me with you next year! It looks so amazing!”

Oh, no. Crap. He had not mentioned to her that his family only came here every two years. And if he wanted to show her this place, then they would have to make their relationship work for two whole years. And considering this was his first relationship ever, he wasn’t all that confident in himself. Amber, yes. Amber was the perfect girlfriend, anyone would be lucky to be dating her for two years. But he himself? He knew he wasn’t the biggest catch in the world…

He was glad the camera was pointed at the view out the window and not him while he came to that realization. He cleared his throat, preparing to do his least favorite thing which was to disappoint Amber.

“Well, we only come here every two years.” Aaron said, scratching his head as he turned the camera back towards himself. “Sorry, I forgot to mention that. But eh… Well, we will be eh, in college by then, so like -”

“Aaron...” Amber cut in, leaning closer to the camera. “Don’t you dare think about it. Don’t you think about us breaking up in that time. We’re still gonna be together in two years. I’m certain of it. Just trust me. I know we’re going to make it to the end of high school and long after that.” Amber assured him.

Aaron watched the determination in her eyes, and he knew it was typically Amber to be determined and to have a plan ahead. And perhaps a positive attitude was all they needed in the end. But Aaron still was a bit unsure. Now that he knew Amber was counting on it to last longer than just high school, Aaron suddenly felt a bit dizzy... 

“Okay well, I -”

“Aaron why are you talk... Oh.” Aaron’s sister spoke as she excited the bathroom. Unlike what she had assumed was Aaron talking to himself, she could now see he was on his phone talking to someone else and so she cut herself off from making fun at him for it. She pushed the button of the blow-dryer to turn it off and she smiled at her brother. “Who areyou calling? Is it Amber?”

“Aaron, who is there?” Amber asked, a bit displeased and a worried frown on her face. 

“It’s just my sister, Eline.” Aaron explained, before looking at Eline with a nod. 

“I wanna say hi.” Eline said, as she approached the bed and got on there, leaning in close next to Aaron’s face so that she could be in the frame. “Hi! You must be Amber. I’m Eline, Aaron’s older sister.”

“Eh, only by seven minutes...” Aaron cut in, and his sister smiled at him fondly. “Sure baby brother....Anyways, it’s so nice to finally meet you.” she said, turning back to the phone. 

“Oh my god yes, hi! Aaron has told me about you. Nice to meet you too.” Amber said excitingly.

“Yeah he can’t stop talking about you to be honest. How beautiful you are, how smart you are...” Eline spoke, fluttering here eyelashes as she did to imitate the dreamy look Aaron usually had on his face whenever he talked about Amber. “But you are so pretty though, he was right. And I love that sweater!” Eline smiled. 

“Oh, thanks.” Amber blushed. “It’s from Topshop.”

Aaron and Eline then both looked up when they were being called by their parents, and the twins shared a look between the two of them, before Eline waved at the camera. 

“It was nice meeting you Amber, we got to go now though.” she said, and then she hurried back into the bathroom to fix her hair and put in her earrings. 

Aaron watched her move across the room and then got up himself, sighing deeply as he looked back at his phone. “Yeah that were mom and dad, I got to go. But I will text you later tonight, okay? I miss you so much, you don’t even know.”

“Yeah it really sucks that we can’t spend this time together. It doesn’t feel the same when it’s just through a screen...” Amber pouted. 

Aaron sighed and rubbed his face. “Yeah I know. I know. But we can have lunch together once we’re at school again, yeah? Or eh, maybe just have a nice weekend together?” Aaron suggested. “Unless you already have plans?”

“This weekend?” Amber asked.

Aaron shook his head. “No we won’t be back until Sunday so… eh, next weekend. After the first week back at school. I could come over and we can just hang out the entire time. I mean, if.... If your parents would want that.”

Amber’s eyes blinked rapidly, and she looked away from her phone for a moment. Next weekend was her parents wedding anniversary. And the last thing she wanted to do was bring Aaron into that type of tension. She could hardly stand being here herself, in the middle of their fights on weither or not there marriage was ever even worth it. 

“I don’t think next weekend works. But eh, we will figure something out, okay? You should go, I don’t want you to be late.” Amber smiled. 

Aaron nodded and then checked on his sister in the bathroom off-screen. “Eline, Ready?”

“Yeah just go, I’ll be out in one minute.” Eline replied, and Aaron turned to face the camera again. “Alright. I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”

Amber made a kiss gesture to the camera and then waved extensively until the call ended, and Aaron descended the stairs of the chalet until he saw his parents waiting for him. 

“What’s that smile, son?” Aaron’s dad asked, and Aaron just shrugged. “Nothing. Just Amber.” he replied. To that, his parents exchanged a look. 

Aaron rolled his eyes, smiling. “Yes, yes, I know I promised not to talk about her the entire trip.”

“It’s okay, as long as you’re happy we’re happy too. Now where’s your sister? Eline? Hurry up sweetheart...” his mom spoke.

That’s when Aaron and his dad exchanged a look, neither of them surprised that his sister was not ready yet. “She said she’d only be one minute...” Aaron told his mom.

Aaron couldn’t help but think of the irony. How his sister was going to be the one to join the navy, since she had the least amount of discipline out of their entire family. He already pitied the captains.

But she had a determination, and that had been the main reason why she had convinced their parents to let her go to naval high school in Antwerp. And while his dad had originally be reluctant and he tried to keep a balance between giving both his kids what they wanted, in the end he was persuaded into the move to Antwerp because Eline would always be his little girl. But now, Aaron was kind of glad that his sister had managed to convince them. Without her dream of someday joining a crew at sea, he probably never would have met the love of his life.

“There’s that dreamy look again.” Eline spoke from the staircase, pulling Aaron out of his thoughts. “Let’s go Romeo. You’ll see your girlfriend soon enough, for now you’re stuck with me though.” she said as she hooked her arm through his. Aaron smiled at her, shaking his head. They had been attached at the hip, for as long as he could remember. And he loved it.


	90. Wednesday - 26/02/2020 - 20.03

Robbe was on tram 5 in the direction of Groenplaats when he received a text message from Moyo, with a link attached to the video Moyo had recommended him earlier. Robbe figured he would check it out later, and swiped away the notification before he looked back outside the tram, recognizing the below ground station at Meir. 

When an elderly lady got on the tram, and Robbe noticed there were no other seats available, he got up and offered her his seat. She objected, and Robbe shook his head. “My stop is the next one anyways.” he explained, and he watched as the lady took his seat.

Earlier in the park Moyo had told him Robbe was a beacon of good karma, and Robbe wanted to object to that. He wanted to point out the fact that he didn’t have his father living with him anymore. That he got beaten up by some idiots the first time he was brave enough to show his sexuality publically. And that there were days that his mom still struggled and he found himself being the adult in the house. 

It was that last thought that had stopped Robbe from actually saying something, and he had swallowed his words, knowing it was Moyo who sat next to him. Instead, he chose to be grateful for what he did have. And that is why he now found himself on a surprise visit to his boyfriend. 

‘Volgende halte: Groenplaats’ the automated voice announced, and Robbe waited until the doors opened. Because he was in the tail section of the tram, he could walk up the escalators right away, and once he came above ground he tightened his jacket around himself as the cold hit him quite suddenly.

He turned the corner at the Nationalestraat and crossed the road a bit further down, walking into the Sint-Andries district and letting his feet carry him almost blindly to the door to Sander’s building, while his fingers texted away. 

ROBBE: [I’m outside your place. I thought we could chill before I go to Gent tomorrow?]

Robbe rang the doorbell that was labelled ‘Driesen - Verhulst’. Hyphenated. How modern, he thought.

SANDER: [Oh fuck. I’m not home right now.]

The door buzzed, and Robbe frowned but pushed it anyways. 

ROBBE: [Well I’m in your hallway now. Are your parents home?] Robbe asked. He stood in the hall awkwardly, mainly because it was warmer here than it was outside, but he knew that if Sander wasn’t home he would just turn around and go.

SANDER: [Probably. I can leave right now and be there in 7 minutes.]

Robbe looked at the elevators and saw it was on the fourth floor, and now descending. When the doors to the elevators opened, Robbe recognized Hilde, Sander’s mom. She was holding a box of cardboard, but still gave him her full attention. 

“Hi, Robbe. I saw you on the monitor. Sander isn’t here.” she said, before opening the door on the right of the hallway, and when she returned the cardboard was gone. “I think he’s out with friends... And my husband favored a performance at Bourla so it’s just me tonight.”

“Yeah he... eh… Sander is on his way though.” Robbe nodded. 6 minutes.

“Oh. Well I was just going to say you could wait for him upstairs.” She chuckled.

And it wasn’t like Robbe had much of a choice. He didn’t want to appear rude and insist on waiting in the hallway.

ROBBE: [I guess I will hang out with your mom until you get here.] 

Robbe smiled when he replied to the text, and then stepped into the elevator that Hilde was holding open for him. By the time he had taken off his beanie and his coat and sat down on the couch, Sander had replied. 

SANDER: [Shit, sorry.]

Robbe chuckled, looking down at his phone before he realized he was being impolite. “Sorry Mrs...”

“Oh no, don’t bother” Hilde smiled, shaking her head. “It’s Professor Verhulst for my students. You can just call me Hilde.”

“Hilde.” Robbe echoed with a soft nod. 

He smiled, thinking back to the interactions he had seen between Sander and his own mom. They were vastly different from the awkwardness he currently felt and the way that Hilde seemed to keep her hands busy in order for it not to appear that they were just two strangers sharing a room without any movement. 

But that was what they were, and Robbe couldn’t help but feel like he was contributing to that because he was just so awkward in scenarios like this in general. He felt... exposed. He felt like he was in the center of the attention, eagle eyes on him, and he didn’t like it that much. And as much as he felt some joy at teasing his boyfriend, when it came to actually interacting with Sander’s mom, Robbe simply lacked the charm.

He had identified early on that the reason why his own mom had so easily accepted Sander as a person she liked having around, was because Sander was the type of person that everyone wanted to be around. Sander didn’t mind being in the center of attention. He didn’t mind talking to all kinds of people. And Robbe knew Sander had won over his mom’s heart at the dinner with his parents.

The reality was that while he had met Hilde before Sander met his own mom, he felt like he wasn’t there yet. Perhaps he should ask Sander more about his parents than he already knew. But then again Sander was the type who did not let his relationship with his parents define him much...

Robbe looked up when the door opened behind him, and he looked over to see Sander, still somewhat out of breath, taking off his coat.

“Hi.” he said, walking towards the living room. 

“Hi Sander. You have a guest. But I guess you already -” Hilde was cut off when she looked up from her tablet and saw the two boys kiss. 

Her sudden pause didn’t go unnoticed by either of the boys, and Sander seemed to be a bit self-conscious in how he separated his and Robbe’s lips. 

Was that the first time Sander’s mom had seen him kiss a boy?

“Let’s eh, let’s go to my room okay?” Sander suggested, and he got up again from where he had leaned into Robbe’s seating position on the couch. And while Robbe was still in confusion on what vibe he had just picked up on, Sander was already back to his usual self, just picking his phone from the hallway table and then tilting his head to hurry Robbe along. “ _Komaan_...”

When the door closed behind them, Robbe got himself settled on the bed, and he leaned on his eyebrow. “Was that the first time your mom saw you kiss a boy?” Robbe asked, his head leaning backwards as Sander moved on the bed, closer to him, and then op top of him, crowding over him. 

“Well she probably heard us that last time before she just saw us back there, yeah.” Sander smirked. Although he couldn’t be exactly certain. He had been so adamant about not holding back when kissing his boyfriend, but perhaps by chance he had actually never done so while around his mom. Or maybe she was confused by the speed he had returned home after leaving only 45 minutes ago, that was also a possibility. 

“I just thought I'd come rescue you before she tried to be all hip and cool to impress you.” he smiled.

“My savior.” Robbe joked, then stroking through Sander’s hair. “I’m sure your friends might not like me as much if you keep ditching them for me though, so don’t get too heroic.”

“Actually, Mia convinced me to go, and Maxim suggested I should borrow his bike.” Sander smiled. “My friends love you, silly.” he said, before kissing Robbe’s lips again.

Robbe smiled through it, knowing that Sander had to borrow his friend’s bike in order to get to him in under 10 minutes. “You’re that nervous of me spending time with your mom?” Robbe asked, all the while his hands roamed Sander’s shoulders, making a half attempt at getting Sander to take off his hoodie. 

Sander clicked his tongue. “Not... Nervous. I just know it’s not something you’d chose to do. So I didn’t want you to be in that situation unnecessary. So I came back home as fast as I could.” Sander explained. 

Robbe hummed, and rewarded Sander with another kiss.

“Well you’re right. Before today I wouldn’t say I’d choose to be awkwardly sitting in a room with my boyfriend’s mom.” Robbe smiled. In his mind he had used the word ‘mother-in-law' but he knew that sounded too formal for the phase their relationship was in right now. “But it wasn’t horrible to wait for you while she was there. I... I actually got thinking.” Robbe spoke. 

“Oh?” Sander said. He repositioned himself next to Robbe, and stretched out his arm to grab one of the pillows to rest his head on. 

“Yeah, your doorbell for example. It’s hyphenated.” Robbe said. 

Sander smiled and touched the side of Robbe’s face. “You’re so observant...” Then Sander fluffed up the pillow a bit more, unhappy with its volume. It was the supposed ‘lesser’ one that he used for himself while giving Robbe the other one. “Yeah eh, my dad’s actually a bit of a sucker for equality, I guess you could say. He always insists on including my mom’s name in like, the bills and stuff like that. If I had been born any later than 2001, my last name might have even been hyphenated.” Sander smiled. 

“Your dad seems really chill.” Robbe thought out loud. 

Sander nodded and then seemed to hesitate about the subject before pushing the words onto his lips anyways. “What about yours? You’re going there tomorrow, right?” Sander asked. His hand found Robbe’s, and unconsciously took a hold of it, and Robbe could see Sander moving a bit closer. Like he was creating an actual cocoon for him. Robbe’s heart swelled. 

“Yeah. I’m fine though. Really. I’m going there with as little assumptions as possible. I don’t know how much he is actually going to be home, or if he’s going to be fake or real with me. But whatever happens, I will be back here in the city by Sunday.” Robbe leaned in, closing the gap in between them. “With you.” he whispered onto Sander’s lips, before pulling him in for a kiss. 

It was the type of kiss that showed Robbe had no intention of discussing the trip, or his father, any further, and Sander was happy to oblige with that, maneuvering his arms a bit to wrap them around his boyfriend. 

“You’re staying tonight?” Sander asked, and Robbe nodded. It was a genuine question about Robbe’s plans, and he liked that it wasn’t something that only could be suggested by the one whose room they were in. Sander had once mentioned that Robbe’s room at the flatshare had been the nest that they were born into, and now they were free birds, able to roam in between different places. Robbe’s room, Sander’s room, both places felt right for them. When the doors closed, they could get into their little bubble and there was no dominance depending on whose bed they were in. 

Robbe didn’t have that much experiences with relationships, but when he first started dating Sander he knew that he had to get rid of the heteronormative thinking that he applied to relationships and each person’s role in them. And if it wasn’t for Sander’s fearless attitude to apply full transparency and equality into their relationship, he might have struggled more. But Sander had been right there, perhaps pushing Robbe a bit when it was needed. 

At first they just shared clothes. Then Sander had told Robbe where his secret stash of weed was hidden if he ever needed some. Sander explained where the towels were if he ever wanted to shower while he was still asleep. Robbe had joked that Sander was close to giving him a key, and Sander had just smiled. 

They shared a lot more than just clothes. Perhaps it was a boyfriends thing. Or perhaps it was a _them_ thing.

“What are you thinking...” Sander asked, his fingers tapping, walking across Robbe’s forehead. Robbe only now realized Sander had been gazing him the entire time. He seemingly had gotten used to being observed due to having an artsy boyfriend. 

“Just... Of how much you have given. How much we have both given, to each other. I like that. I like that we can share this much.” Robbe smiled. He then turned to rest on his stomach, leaning on his elbows. “And how you deny you’re giving me more sometimes.” he said, reaching for the ‘good’ pillow and propping it under his chin. 

Sander smiled, resting his hand on Robbe’s lower back now. “You know I love you.” he said, his tone only a small notch more serious but Robbe noticed it. 

“I know. And I love you too.” Robbe replied, in a dreamy voice. Then he smiled and burried his face in the pillow, laughing. “Ugh, Moyo was telling me just earlier how sappy we were sometimes. I hate that he’s right.” Robbe groaned.

“Oh you love when I get all romantic on you though.” Sander said, nudging Robbe’s side. By now they were nowhere near the position they first started in on Sander’s bed, and Sander had taken note of it. “You like when I say smooth things that kind of make you blush in front of your friends...” Sander continued, nosing along Robbe’s jaw. 

He then pressed a kiss to Robbe’s cheek, and then leaned away. “How was your hangout with Moyo by the way?” Sander asked, effectively turning down the dial again. He paid close attention to Robbe when asking, to spot any sign of uneasiness.

“It was chill. Yeah. Could tell he kind of wanted to hang out with someone. He has this girl he kinda likes, so yeah, he needed someone to talk some confidence into him, I guess.” Robbe shrugged. 

Sander smiled, happy that his hanging out with Moyo had been a fun afternoon. And then he frowned, slightly confused. “And so he decided to ask his gay friend on how to get confidence to talk to a girl?” Sander asked. 

Robbe looked up, half-offended, half-smiling. “Yeah, who else would he have asked? Jens and Aaron are both in the fucking Alpen.”

“Eh, me?” Sander clarified. “I mean, am I not an honorable member of the broerrrs?” he teased. 

Robbe chuckled and shook his head. “Maybe. But eh… Well, you know, we did make a chat without you, last friday. We have this group assignment to work on for Dutch class and we didnd’t want to flood the chat with you in it so we made another one.”

“Oh.” Sander said, taking in that information. “So from now on, when I read a message in the chat they will know I can read it? They will actually remember I’m there and can read everything?” Sander asked. He was specifically thinking back to the afternoon where he caught up on his missed messages after class last week, and found Jens sharing Mia’s insta profile and Aaron and Moyo making sexualized comments on it, before they remembered they had added Sander to it. Sander had just replied ‘not cool’ and not made a big deal about it because he didn’t have a moral high-ground from when he was a 16 year old boy, but if it could be avoided in the future he would like that.

Robbe shrugged, and leaned in closer, resting his cheek on his boyfriend’s chest. “I don’t know if my friends share enough braincells between the three of them to identify the difference between the chats. So you might still be in for some weird notifications. But I...” Robbe said, pointing his index finger at his chest and raising his head to look at Sander who in his turn raised an eyebrow. “I will not accidentally text in the wrong chat.”

“Is that a bet I hear in there?” Sander smirked, his thumb softly stroking his boyfriend’s cheek, that had an indent due to the string from Sander’s hoodie. 

“Eh...” Robbe spoke, considering his options. “Yeah. Yeah, sure. I’m the master at chat-identification so yeah, we can bet on that.” he agreed. 

Sander smiled, and rubbed his hands eagerly. “Okay how about.... I get as many blowjobs as I want for a week if you fail?”

“And if I win I get the same?” Robbe asked, quizzingly. There had to be a plusside for him too...

“Well you will win until at some point you don’t or the chat becomes inactive. There’s kind of no way to measure you winning.”

“Okay then how about we put a measurement of time on it. One month. One month of me managing both chats and never posting anything in the wrong one. You will know nothing that’s not meant for you to know from my doing.” Robbe teased.

“You keeping that many secrets from me with your friends?” Sander grinned, and Robbe shrugged, continuing to tease. “Okay, deal. One month.” Sandere nodded.

“Already looking forward to that week then.” Robbe nodded confidently.

“Sign the deal.” Sander smiled, before pointing his index finger at his own lips, and Robbe half-rolled his eyes and smiled lopsided, before he repositioned himself to kiss his boyfriend. Except he didn’t stop moving himself there, and he sat upright, moving his legs to either side of Sander’s stomach, and then he lowered himself down. 

The vibe shifted almost instantly, and several months ago Sander might have asked him what he was doing, but now he knew exactly what was happening.

“Robbe.” Sander groaned, and Robbe put up the most innocent smile. But he knew there was nothing innocent about it. He knew this particular position did things to Sander, and he knew it was the best way to get Sander into the mood he wanted him to be in.

“What?” Robbe whispered, leaning forward and kissing down Sander’s neck. He was pulling out all the stops now. 

“The d... the door. Did you lock it, when you...”

“Of course I did baby. I didn’t just come here to sleep for the night...” Robbe smiled. 


	91. Thursday - 27/02/2020 - 01.49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with some stuff like insomnia, depressive episodes and the general corelation between sleep and mental health. Just a quick heads up for you guys who might struggle with reading about that..

First time Robbe stirred in his sleep that night, Sander barely registered it. He was floating in between two cycles of deep sleep and he naturally leaned into the warmth of Robbe’s body next to him which is why he noticed the small movements. Subconciously, Sander’s hand moved to rest on his shoulder, then dropping to rest above his heart. If Sander had been fully concious, he might have noticed the fast beating. Eventually Robbe stilled, drifting back down to sleep, the touch anchoring him somehow.

The second time, Sander blinked his eyes open after hearing an annoyed groan, and he rubbed his eyes in order to make sense of the shadows in his room, only illuminated by the brightness of Robbe’s phone. 

“Robbe?” Sander asked, voice low and laced with sleep. What time was it even? Sander couldn’t see any indication of morning through the small gap at the bottom of his curtains. 

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep baby.” Robbe said, putting his phone down again on the nightstand and turning back to Sander. Robbe didn’t protest when Sander moved in closer and slid his leg in between his boyfriend’s. Robbe sighed deeply, and Sander recognized the outlines of a small on his face. Sander waited, held himself back from falling asleep until he felt Robbe’s breathing evening out. 

Sander had been a good influence on Robbe’s sleep. In Robbe’s own words, having someone’s pressence next to him usually did most of the trick to fight off the overthinking. It was the isolation and the daytime influences of others that had caused Robbe’s thoughts to spiral all those months ago and there had been days back then when he simply didn’t even manage to go to sleep. Now those thoughts had made room for the type of light and comforting conversations they’d share before bed, or in tonight’s case some good old fashioned mindblowing sex to exhaust him. He wasn’t alone with his thoughts in a dark room anymore. And he knew he could tell Sander anything he had on his mind. Because of little things like feeling an embrace or just knowing he was there, Robbe had been much better off with the whole sleeping thing.

The third time Robbe moved in the bed, Sander felt it dip and then it stilled, indicating Robbe had gotten up and out of the bed. He heard footsteps, but couldn’t will his eyes to open. A moment later he heard the water of the shower running. Sander tried to battle his need for sleep with his concern, and even tried to get excited about joining Robbe in the shower. But he was in too deep, his mind feeling like it was stuffed with cotton and eventually sleep took over again.

It wasn’t until half an hour later that Sander’s eyes finally blinked open when the door to his room opened and closed. He watched Robbe return to the bed with a bowl of cereal in his hands. Sander smiled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and he lifted his head. “What time is it?”

“Seven something.” Robbe replied, causing Sander to groan and Robbe chuckled at that.

Sander rolled onto his side and slid his hand up and down Robbe’s arm. “Baby, you still have hours to try and sleep in... Don’t you wanna try going back to sleep?” Sander suggested. He could use a bit more sleep himself, but in general he made due with the 6 to 7 hours he usually got. 

Robbe looked at him, and Sander tried not to look too concerned. However in the two minutes he had now been awake, his brain had filed the report of the night and he realized Robbe was awoke at least once, maybe two times. And considering they probably didn’t go to sleep before midnight, Sander just knew Robbe was pushing his limit. 

“I know I just.... It was a bad night and I didn’t see the point in trying to go back to sleep.” Robbe said. He put a spoonfull of cereal in his mouth and looked back at his sleepy boyfriend. He smiled, rolling his eyes. “I’m okay Sander. I’m not getting sleep deprived. It’s just one bad night. You can go back to sleep though.” Robbe said, brushing through Sander’s hair.

The movement made Sander close his eyes, like Robbe knew he would, and Sander found it hard to open them again. “You haven’t had bad nights with me before.” Sander spoke, eyes still closed. Robbe’s hand stilled, and he moved it to cup Sander’s face. 

“I promise it’s not your fault.” Robbe explained. He pressed a kiss to Sander’s forehead. “Just go to sleep, baby.”

Sander hummed in disagreement, and pulled on Robbe’s arm. Robbe sighed in protest, but Sander was persistent. Eventually Robbe put the bowl on the nightstand and took off his shirt, conveniently not having bothered with pants yet, just borrowed some boxers from Sander. He lowered himself under the cover of the blankets, and then positioned himself into the space Sander was offering.

“I can’t force myself to sleep Sander.” Robbe sighed, but Sander just hummed and started tracing soft lines along Robbe’s back. 

Last spring, when he had an episode, Sander had been at home playing Bowie in the middle of the night causing his mom to walk into his room in confusion. Sander was working on an elaborate piece or art, completely consumed by the vision he had in his mind – all the bright colors he wanted to use - that he wasn’t even aware he was probably waking up half the neighbourhood. And while his dad had quickly turned the music down, his mom had pulled him into her arms and held him. She hummed along to the tune of rebel rebel, replacing the loud music in Sander’s head with something like an accoustic version. And the mania tipped over into the depression right there in his mother’s arms.

For the next 5 days, Sander felt the guilt for the burden he put on his parents. His mom took personal days off at work, his dad trying to cook food that would nurish him. And despite sleep being the only thing he wanted to do, he kept himself awake during the day in order to try to convince his parents he was fine. Eventually, on day 6 his mom walked in and saw Sander on the verge of tears, just staring at the Bowie poster on his warderobe door, and she had gotten into the bed, blocking his line of sight and she had told him he was going to sleep and listen to what his body needed. And with only the stern face of his mom to look at otherwise, he eventually closed his eyes and slept for the next 16 hours in one go. 

Sander wasn’t sure why that moment was in his head right now as he felt the little puffs of air that escaped Robbe’s lips grow softer. He then looked down, to see the muscles in Robbe’s face relaxed, asleep and Sander smiled proudly.

And perhaps it was a silly thing to be proud of, but both of them knew a thing or two about trying to remain a functioning person in society, and sacrificing some parts of themselves in order to do so. And every time Robbe tried to put himself and his needs first, Sander knew his boyfriend was making progress so yes, he was going to be proud of that. 

He had learned that one cycle took roughly three hours, so Sander reached for his phone at two minutes before ten and turned off the alarm that he knew would be disrupting Robbe’s now blissfull sleep soon. He put his phone back down on the nightstand, and turned back to observe Robbe in his sleep. He was making notes, mental images on how he would draw him later. The arch of his eyebrow, the birthmark on his right ear.

Sander knew perhaps it was a little bit creepy. But he was a bit protective of Robbe too. Perhaps he felt some guilt that he had caused so many feelings in this boy that he had drifted into insomnia. So now, Sander did whatever he could to ensure Robbe got what he needed. So if watching him for the last three hours gave Robbe the chance to get the full extent of sleep he would need, then that was worth it to Sander. 

As if on cue, a few moments later Robbe’s lips smacked before his eyes opened, and when he did he reached for the bottle of water, which Sander handed him. 

“Whatever you’re gonna say right now, save it.” Robbe said. He curled up a bit and sighed happily. “You were right, okay? I did need more sleep. Thank you for pushing me.”

“You’re welcome baby.” Sander replied simply. They didn’t need to make a competition out of each other’s sleep schedules. Sometimes Robbe would tell Sander to stop sketching at 2AM, other times it was Sander who recognized Robbe had not reached the 9 to 10 hours he actually needed. Sander did have a few more arguments to make his case. Robbe being in the peak of puberty and sleep was important for his development being the homerun argument most of the time. But in general they trusted each other and they knew they wanted the best for one another.

“It’s past ten thought right? I can tell.” Robbe said, brushing his hair out of his face. 

“10.04.” Sander quoted from the screen of his phone.

Robbe just hummed in reply. He lowered his chin onto Sander’s chest, before switching it out for his cheek. Sander bit his lip, He just stayed like that, allowing his body to wake up a second time today and going through the schedule. Wake up, do-over. Breakfast, part two. Saying goodbye to mom. Taking a train at Berchem station. Getting picked up by dad at Gent Dampoort station. That was as far as Robbe had gotten yesterday, when Sander had asked him if he had a certain schedule for tomorrow.

And while Robbe knew he could talk to Sander about his anxieties of these next few days, he just didn’t have a way to put his feelings into words yet. But those words seemed to have been created overnight in his head. 

“I should be in Gent by 10.45 if I recall. And then I will have a pretty good idea of what the next three days will look like depending on how chatty my dad is in the carride.” Robbe spoke. 

Sander filled the silence by softly stroking through Robbe’s hair, brushing it out of his face. Sander had decided that perhaps he didn’t mind the longer hair...

“I just don’t want him to start having opinions on what I should do with my life again.” Robbe eventually sighed a few minutes later. “I don’t want him to think that me going there for a visit a few days is like a way of giving him back his dad privileges. It’s not...”

“I know.” Sander simply replied. He knew Robbe just needed to get the words out of his head, and not actually required a reply. But a dialogue made things a bit easier than a full monologue. 

“And he is not going to convince me to move out there either.”

Sander stilled his movements for a moment. Was he aware that was still a subject? He cleared his throat and then urged Robbe to get up so he could look at him instead. They laid down face to face, each resting their heads on their respective pillows.

“What time is Maxim picking up his bike?” Robbe asked, changing the subject willingly.

“Around 2.” Sander laughed. “I actually forgot he texted that.”

“I didn’t.” Robbe scoffed. “He kind of made us pause in the middle of something, if I recall...” Robbe said, looking at Sander with a raised eyebrow. 

“Yeah, sorry. We’ll add another rule to the bet we made yesterday... No more bro chats interrupting sex. How does that sound?”

“Sounds fantastic.” Robbe nodded, and he dropped his chin, aware of Sander’s gaze. 

Sander allowed his enchantment to surface for a moment. He knew it sometimes made Robbe shy, sometimes made him hot and bothered. And there was a very small chance it would make him grumpy. 

Option B seemed to be the case today, as Robbe cleared his throat and quickly moved. He got up and stretched his arms out, knowing that if he stayed in bed any longer, as much as he knew Sander pulling him back in was a good idea, he wasn’t going to be productive at all. 

This time he was for real getting dressed . He then looked down at his shirt, which was now all wrinkled and had a drool stain on it.

“Need one of mine?” Sander smiled, and Robbe nodded before he got up, already walking towards Sander’s closet. Sander smiled at the way Robbe didn’t even seem to hesitate.

He chose a grey shirt, one he vaguely recalled Sander wearing on the first day they met, and then added his hoodie on top, before putting on pants. “My bag is ready in my room but I want to make sure my mom is okay with me leaving so I wanna leave in time...” Robbe then said. 

Sander understood he was being called out for not getting up. He smiled sitting upright on the bed. He didn’t mind when Robbe urged him along a bit. “Yeah, okay, sure. We can be out the door in half an hour. Second breakfast at Panos?” 

Robbe nodded and then walked out of Sander’s room, leaving Sander to hurry into the bathroom, and after a quick shower he pulled together some clothes and then met up with his boyfriend by the front door. Wallet, keys to the house, seperate key to Maxim’s bike, and 16 minutes they were out the door.

“Oh of course, no wifi in the elevator.” Robbe mumbled as he tried to check the NMBS app, and he waited until they were outside the building to check if his train was still on schedule for an hour from now, which luckily it was. 

“Hey eh, so my mom.... She hasn’t really been alone for 4 days in a row back at the house. She might feel a bit uneasy. Her therapist said it’s important for her to have some consistency, and I know me being gone may not exactly -”

“You want me to stop by for a visit?” Sander asked, trying to figure out what Robbe was asking. 

“I plan to call her, and I don’t know if she’ll like being kept company, but I don’t think there’s any harm in suggesting it...” Robbe said. 

Sander looked at him when they arrived at a red light, looking down at his steering wheel. “Robbe, you’re her sometimes grumpy teenage son who doesn’t allow her to clean his room anymore. I think the only friend she’s gonna need around is the vacuum cleaner in your bedroom.” Sander smiled. 

And he knew he was making a joke about it, but his mind flashed back to the same episode it had gone to several hours prior, this time the memory of his dad knocking on his door and putting food out for him. Sander had never liked the feeling like he needed to be checked up on in regular intervals.

“Yeah you’re probably right.” Robbe smiled. “Forget I said anything.”

They eventually biked to Robbe’s house, and Sander waited outside as Robbe assured his mom he would call if he needed her. Sander waved at Ilse when she smiled at him from the window, and a few moments later they were on their way to Berchem station.

“You don’t mind?” Robbe asked as they stood by the bike storage at the station. Sander shook his head. “No, look Maxim can just meet me here to pick up his. And I’ll put your bike at my place, where it’s safe. One of us with a stolen bike is worse enough, you don’t need to drop yours without an extra lock at the train station. You’ll never see it again.”

“Yeah sorry, I thought I brought the lock with me and I...”

“I already texted Maxim. Message sent.” Sander cut in, then looking back up at his boyfriend. 

Robbe nodded, and bit his lip. “I’ll be back on Sunday then. Can I come over?”

“You better. Bike storage rates at the Driesen-Verhulst family go way up after 4 days.” Sander teased. Robbe rolled his eyes with a smile, and leaned both his hands on Sander’s shoulders. He stepped in a bit closer, and Sander picked up on the way Robbe was cautiously taking in the people in their surroundings. Robbe was being brave. Sander leaned back on the metal bars of the bike storage for a bit, and locked his arms behind Robbe’s back.

“It’s only another province, right?” Robbe said, attempting to assure himself more than anyone else. He knew he would miss Sander terribly. He knew they would probably end up texting every night. But they were only going to be less than an hour away.

Sander nodded, then tilting his head with his nose scrunched up. “Other side of the river though.... You know what they say about that here in the city.” Sander joked. 

Robbe laughed.

“There’s nothing wrong with the other side of the water. They have cool swimming pools there.” Robbe said, right before he leaned in for a kiss. And while Sander pulled him closer, he was mostly guided by Robbe who moved his hands to Sander’s neck and burried his fingers in his hair as the kiss grew deeper. 

When their lips parted again, Sander’s expression was soft, and he reaches for Robbe’s hands from around his neck. “I’m so proud of you, you know that right?” he said, before kissing Robbe’s hands.

“I’m not doing anything to be proud of...” Robbe blushed shyly, ducking his head a little. But then he looked back at Sander and he knew what he meant. He agreed. He nodded slightly. 

“I should go.”

“Okay.” Sander said, letting go of Robbe and grabbing his bike. “Say hi to your dad for me?” Sander then smiled, and Robbe rolled his eyes before pressing a final kiss to his boyfriend’s lips and raising his bag onto his shoulders again. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Sander replied, and he watched Robbe head into the train station. Even when Robbe was out of sight he kept his gaze on the building for a bit, and then he started an internal countdown towards Sunday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the chapter is a bit all over the place but there were a few things that I wanted to include and in line with the chapter my own sleep schedule is a bit of a mess so I'm writing this at 3AM which might explain any incoherency in my writing...


	92. Friday - 28/02/2020 - 17.23

Sander stepped out of the Academy campus and readjusted his backpack on his shoulders. He was happy with the work he got done today, and despite the first important deadline of the semester approaching next week, he wasn’t too worried.

What helped eased his mind was Maxim mentioning yesterday that he had not even realized the deadline was 6 days away, and Sander had tried not to laugh when he watched Maxim hop back on his own bike, hurrying towards the Academia shop and stock up on some supplies. 

Maxim was lucky that he had the gift of being able to work on a project for days on end, and not run out of the energy to stay focussed. Sander knew he couldn’t afford to get that deep. He knew he had to take it day by day, and work whenever his muze struck him. Sometimes that meant a strike of inspiration in the middle of the night, other times that meant aimlessly staring at a canvas with nothing coming to mind. Like a writer would sit and stare at the blinking cursor on an empty word document. 

Anything was better than nothing, his dad would always say. Even from the worst art something beautiful could bloom eventually, over time. So Sander was happy with his work for the day, even if it was perhaps not the quality he was supposed to apply for the big deadline next week. 

He still figured he deserved a break. And he indulged his friends when they told him to meet up with them at Stadswaag, which was just around the corner from their campus and a short trip home for most of his friends. Mia lived 2 streets away, Maxim closer to the university buildings. But Sander didn’t mind that it wasn’t around the corner for himself. 

“Is it busy?” Sander asked as he approached and he saw his friends smoking outside. Either they had decided to wait for him in the square so they could decide which café to go into, or they were all packed and they would have to relocate. 

“No, we were just on the verge of going in.” Maxim said, pointing at ‘t Waagstuk. “Cool with you?”

“Yeah, sure.” Sander agreed, making sure to lock his – Robbe's – bike securely before following along with his friends.

“Alright so exactly how many seconds did you get permission to stay out for this time, Sander? Before you go ditch us again…” his friends asked as they found themselves a spot. 

Sander had warned Maxim yesterday not to make it a thing, but of course he should have known that would have only encouraged him. 

“Max, I told you, it’s not like that...” Sander said, shaking his head.

“Squeaks like a duck, walks like a duck... no doubt it’s a turtle.” Mia said, putting a hand on Sander’s shoulder. “Just admit it. You’re whipped for this boy. It’s okay, your ego can survive.” she joked. 

“Just like your ego can handle asking out his best friend in a supermarket?” Sander asked, only turning his head to look at her after delivering the line, showing that lopsided smirk of his. 

“Eh, excuse me what?” Stefan frowned, and Sander got up to go place their order by the bar, leaving Mia a blushing mess with the other two guys, explaining to them that Jens looked hot for a guy from ‘03. 

Sander overheard them from all the way at the bar, and looked over his shoulder with a fond smile. 

“Hi, eh two beers, one leffe and one sprite, please.” Sander ordered once the bartender made his way. “And add some snacks to it too.” Sander considered. He knew he wasn’t specifically asked to do so, but he hadn’t eaten since he grabbed a snack at the cafeteria around 2.30 so he could use some food in his stomach first if he was gonna drink later. For now he’d just stick with some soda.

“Are eh, Bas and Lore joining later?” Sander asked as he rejoined them at the table, and he got caught up on the latest relationship drama of the Ross and Rachel of their extended friend group. In the meantime the food and drinks arrived, and Sander moved the salami sausages and mustard into Mia’s direction while following along with Maxim’s story. 

Two hours later, they were walking through the Venusstraat when Mia wanted to go towards her dorm to pick up her powerbank to charge her phone. The three guys shared a look, and Sander nodded, telling Stefan and Maxim to go ahead and save them a spot, before swinging his arm over Mia’s shoulder. 

She was a bit buzzed, nothing that Sander judged, but the cobblestones were tricky enough when sober so he figured it was safest to offer her some support.

“Next time you promise you bring Robbe, right? I wanna see him again. Well... I mean I don’t know him that well so I don’t know if it’s him... But you. And the way you seem so carefree when you’re around him. Yeah that. That’s what I wanna see.” Mia concluded. Then she pouted. “Maybe I should have gone to that party last weekend after all.”

Sander stopped in his step. What party? 

The only way Mia would associate a party with what she was saying about Robbe was if there was a connection. And the only party Robbe went to last weekend....

“Jens invited you to a party last weekend?” Sander asked as they got to Mia’s building. Mia looked up and nodded, smiling. Sander smiled too. “I thought there isn’t anything between you two?” 

It wasn’t like Sander would care. He had personally introduce them, and he wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t trust both of them to be consenting adults. And Sander had gotten the opportunity to get to know Jens better as recent as the last two weeks, and it had given him a bit more insight. Mainly in the fact that Jens’ home life was a bit chaotic for as far as he understood, but in general he was a very responsible person.

“There isn’t.” Mia replied, sternly. “He just asked because apparently it was his ex’ party and he said things had been awkward and yeah....” Mia waved her hand and checked to see if Jens understood what she was trying to say. When Sander nodded knowingly, Mia then started walking up the stairs to her room. “Yeah so I told the kid -”

“He’s 16.” Sander cut in. 

“Yes, exactly. I’m 19 in 3 weeks, shut up.” Mia said, before she started looking for the powerbank in her room. “Anyways, I told him I wasn’t interested in being used for drama between exes. Now if he would’ve just asked to fuck I might have considered but...” Mia said, smiling suggestively.

“Mia!” Sander laughed. 

“What? You just said he’s 16. That’s legal.” Mia grinned. “Anyways... I’m just saying, you know. When you hang out with Robbe’s friends, don’t you feel like they still have it easy? No worries about paying their dorm rent for the month? No pervy supervisor at their underpaying supermarket job. Not worrying about deadlines for your financial aid application...”

Sander shrugged, tilted his head. 

“Oh yeah right, I forgot. You don’t have to worry about any of that either.” Mia said, not hiding any of her judgement. It made Sander feel a bit awkward, standing there in her tiny bedroom while she was going through drawers and boxes.

She had asked him several times if he would consider getting a room in the student neighborhood. But the conclusion was usually pretty simple: the stability at home, paired with the fact that he didn’t have to pay rent and could still go as he pleased, was just the best option for him right now. Perhaps later. Perhaps when he wouldn’t be by himself. If he had someone to notice when he was slipping into a depressive episode again. If he had someone to hold him when the new environment felt too foreign.

“Got it. Okay let’s go.” Mia said raising the powerbank in her hand, before she paused in her tracks and quote read the text Stefan had just sent her. “Eh... Prof is pretty crowded so they wanna go to.... Oh.” Mia said, looking away from her phone. 

Sander frowned and leaned in. “Wanna go where?” Sander asked. Mia looked at him with her doe eyes, and Sander could see it. Even through the buzzed, tipsy layer and the smudgy mascara from crying during laughing... She was concerned.

“Ossenmarkt. Barracuda.” Mia said, tilting her head. They both now knew what typ of memories that place had. “Look, I know you said last time...”

Sander had never seen Mia sober up like that before. And he knew it was a good thing, because he could fell the uneasiness in his bones. That place, those…. People.

Then again, how likely was it that it would happen again. And how stupid was it to let that one experience paralyze him with fear and make him change his ways so drastically. Sander wanted to be brave. He knew Robbe would need someone to be brave whenever they would decide to go back there and reclaim that square as theirs. For now, Sander figured, he could do it by himself. With his fiends by his side.

“I... I can go to Ossenmarkt.” Sander stuttered. He then looked up, determination in his eyes. He nodded towards Mia’s phone. “Say yes to Ossenmarkt. But not Barracuda. Some other place.”

Mia nodded, and Sander watched her type before she looked back at him and wrapped her arms around him. And as much as Sander would want to stay strong and not let those memories glue him to the floor for a moment, he couldn’t fight it. He trembled briefly, holding on to Mia’s small frame and he could tell they were kinda swaying a bit but he didn’t mind. 

“You’re so brave, Sander. So, so brave.” Mia whispered. Then she nodded, taking his hand. Sander hadn’t intertwined his hand with a girl in a while now. Mia could tell, and pulled her hand back. She was weighing her options. Should she text Robbe? Should they just stay here? Should Mia drop Sander off at his place. “Sander?” she asked.

Sander nodded, then he looked up. “Yeah... Yeah I’m coming.” Sander nodded, before he pulled his jacket tighter on his shoulder and he walked out of the room, waited for Mia to lock it behind her and then they descended the stairs again. 

“You think you might, like, recognize someone or?”

Sander shook his head. He looked at her. At the way they were walking closely together. People would probably guess they were a couple. They got that more often. Nobody would bat an eye at them, and Sander would be able to blend into the anonymity of the square framed by student cafés and fastfood places. Valhalla for university and college students on a fridaynight like tonight. 

But then why did it not feel liberating to approach it? Why was Sander eyeing the shadows of the alley as soon as it was in his line of sight. Why did he flinch, feeling the punches land on his skin. He was reliving it all. His head was in a spiral. 

Mia’s hand found his again. She directed Sander’s attention to a bar across the square, and looked at him with a silent question. “We can just go. I can stay at your place. I can call Robbe?” Mia suggested. 

The last question made Sander’s eyes grew big and he looked up, frantically shaking his head. “No no no no no... Don’t call him.”

“Okay, okay. Relax.” Mia nodded. 

Sander closed his eyes for a moment and tried to do just that. Relax. He was standing six meters away from the spot that made it impossible for him to sleep on his side for 3 weeks. The indirect cause of him pushing away the guy he loved, because he wasn’t brave enough to tell him about his history with the police. 

Right now, Sander felt shame unlike he had ever felt before. And the last thing he wanted to do was drag Robbe into this. He knew he wasn’t ready. Sander knew Robbe needed more time, had been hurt more than he was. Perhaps not physically, although Sander noticed the bruising, but mentally. Robbe had been robbed of the opportunity to go on his first carefree date with his boyfriend and have it end happily. 

But Sander had another experience. And he knew just putting one foot in front of the other at this very crucial moment would be the right path for him to follow. So he did. He took a step in the direction of the café Mia had pointed at earlier. Then another one. And then he was walking diagonally through Ossenmark. While his mind was overwriting itself. 

New memories. New associations. Sander begged Mia to get him drunk, just to get him to have a story to write over this place in big bold letters. And so Mia did. She ordered shots, and participated in downing them one by one, almost rhythmically. 

Sander got hit on when he went to pick up another round of shots at the bar. And without even considering it, Sander excused himself from the two girls. “I have a boyfriend.” The girls seemed offended. Sander couldn’t care less. He had a boyfriend. He was pansexual and loved art and if that made him a target of haters then he could handle that. Right now, he felt like he was on top of the world. “Okay, who wanted to do more shots!” Sander said excitingly as he approached the table.

The boys took over two hours later, around midnight. Stefan ordered Sander some beer and Maxim provided him with the greens he would need to take the edge of from his unavoidable hangover tomorrow. Sander was positively drunk when he made his way to the bathroom.

The lack of noise and the cold tiles touching his fingertips felt good. Sander remembered standing close to the fridge at the party with Robbe last week. Robbe. His brain fired synapses at the name tumbling around in his head. Sweet, amazing, loving Robbe. What would he do if he was here right now? Well, actually that didn’t matter. Because he wasn’t.

Sander rubbed his face with his cooled down hands. Drinking, drugs... Fuck, what was he doing. Why was he slipping so badly. Well, he knew why. The why wasn’t the question. But fuck, he wished he didn’t have to. He wished he could make new memories without having to go on a binger. But here he was, in a café at Ossenmarkt, getting shitfaced like he hadn’t done in months.

“What the fuck?” Sander cursed when he couldn’t find his phone in his pocket. Then he recalled handing it to Mia just before they got to the square. He didn’t want it broken again. Again. Like what happened last time was gonna happen all over. 

“My phone.” Sander said as he approached Maxim, Mia, Lore and Elise at the table they were sitting at. Mia exchanged a look with the girls, and she got up. Sander looked at Maxim. Maxim gave him a knowing nod. You will be fine tomorrow with my stuff. You can trust me. So Sander did. “You said to take you home when you asked for your phone. So I’m taking you home.” Mia spoke.

Perhaps that was for the best. He did feel a bit nauseous at the moment. He vaguely recalled getting into the taxi. Ten minutes later they were at his house. Mia raised Sander’s index finger to the lock, and let muscle memory do the rest of the work as Sander typed in the resident code. Then, a little bit later, he felt his head coming to rest on his pillow, the good one – Robbe's pillow. He breathed in the scent. 

“I did it Mia. I went back there...” Sander mumbled. He guessed Mia was the one untying his shoes. 

Mia didn’t reply for a few minutes.

“Just don’t let them take any more from you than they already have, okay?” Mia replied. Sander hummed, barely awake anymore at this pointt. ”Sander, take off the pants off you’ll be miserable all night. And scoot over.”

Sander fell asleep with the thought that at least he wasn’t sleeping on his own. He wouldn’t be by himself in the morning, and they would share the weed Maxim got them. Even with Robbe in another province, he had someone to remind him to take his meds. Someone who stopped him when he was being destructive. And as she drifted off into sleep, he mumbled out a small ‘thanks’.

“You’re welcome.” Mia replied from the other end of the bed. “I’m totally stealing your fancy towels and soaps in the morning by the way...”

“As you always do.” Sander smiled, before his eyelids closed and he dove into sleep right away.


	93. Saturday - 29/02/2020 - 11.39

Mia first woke up from a groaning sound closeby, and she was thrusted out of her deep sleep as soon as she did not recognize the familiar lavender scent of her own bed. Blinking her eyes open rapidly, she focussed them on the sight of her best friend covering his face from the sun hitting his eyes. “Morning to you too.”

“Oh fuck, it’s so bright.” Sander mumbled. “Can you close the curtains, please?”

Mia looked up at the curtains and she sighed deeply, sitting upright and then swinging both her legs out of the bed. She picked up the shirt closest to her and put it on, pulling on the bottom and concluding that the length would do. She then walked, more like stumbled as she was rubbing the sleep from her eyes, towards the window and closed the curtains. And while she was up, she might as well go to the bathroom, so she walked across the room and closed the door behind her. 

By the time she returned, Sander was just in the process of putting on his shirt and giving himself some small slaps on his cheeks to wake him up. He didn’t notice Mia in the doorframe until the floor creaked under her feet. 

“On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is it?” Mia asked. 

Sander looked up and smiled, faintly. “A solid 8...” he sighed. He knew what a ten felt like, and this wasn’t exactly like it. But it came close.

Mia chuckled and then checked the door to the hallway when she heard music turned on in the living room. “I hear Bowie... So I guess your dad’s home...”

Sander registered the music, his dad’s not so subtle way to finally get him out of bed which meant it was probably past 11. Sander rolled his eyes and let himself fall back onto the pillow, covering his ears with it. “Make it sto-op.” he groaned. 

Mia raised an eyebrow and walked back towards the bed. “I’d love to. But I think your dad might get the wrong idea if I walk out of your room dressed like this.” Mia smiled. 

Sander peaked his face from underneath the pillow, and raised his eyebrow. “Yeah... about that. That’s literally Robbe’s shirt.” he smiled. 

“Aw! Boyfriends sharing clothes. How cute!” Mia grinned as she sat on the bed, her legs folded underneath her. She then looked down, trying to figure out the print on the shirt, and then looked back at Sander who seemed a bit... possesive. “Okay, got it.” Mia said, as she pulled the shirt back over her head and threw it directly at Sander’s face. 

Sander’s senses got overwhelmed with the familiar scent of Robbe. He took a deep breath in and then moved the shirt from his face, earning a weirded out look from Mia. 

“Okay so eh... You’re gonna have to help me out here though. Don’t you have any old clothes from Britt laying around or something?” Mia then said, looking around Sander’s room.

“Can’t you wear what you wore yesterday?” Sander replied, while carefully folding Robbe’s shirt and putting it on the end of the bed.

Mia pulled her nose up. “It smells like beer and sex. So I'd rather not.”

Sander sighed and got up, walking over to his closet. “Well yeah, you were dancing around with that beer so it gushed all over the place.” he explained, while picking out a hoodie. He tossed it in Mia’s direction and then paused, frowning. “Wait... sex? You hooked up with someone? Yesterday? When?”

Mia laughed and she tucked her head through the hoodie. “Eh that guy, Simon. He’s like, one of Maxim’s friends...”

“You into him?” Sander asked as he grabbed Maxim’s weed from yesterday. He needed it, if only to fight off the upcoming headache. 

“Not really. It was just sex.” Mia shrugged. “I mean, he’s cute though. But you know I don’t want a serious relationship with school right now.”

Sander smiled, looking over his shoulder. Right. He recalled Mia’s monologue about how being in a monogamous committed relationship had stifled her creativity back in high school and how she’s never been more inspired since breaking up with her boyfriend of two years in September. 

That was where he and Mia were totally different people. Because while Mia felt liberated and inspired by being single, Sander has never been as creative and artistic as since he met Robbe. Before, when he was dating other people, his art would be something that was contained within his academics for the most part. But every moment he spent with Robbe, and even moments without him, brought out a force of inspiration.

“We kind of didn’t use a condom though...” Mia then said, and when Sander turned around in his chair and his head snapped up, Mia rolled her eyes. “Okay, don’t start.” she said, getting up from the bed and holding up her hands. “It was just one time. You know I’m careful otherwise.”

“Yeah, which is exactly why I’m so confused. Did he insist? Did he pressure you?”

Mia glared at her best friend, shaking her head. “No Sander. I just wanted to have sex and he didn’t have one on him.”

“I always carry a -”

“Oh so I should’ve come and tapped your shoulder after the blowjob then? Asked for some assistance?” Mia chuckled. “Sander, sweetie, he was not your type.” 

She then sighed, seeing Sander was looking away while he had a concerned look on his face. Clearly making jokes about it didn’t work. Mia closed her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

“Fine... Will you go to the pharmacy with me?” she eventually asked. “So I can get the morning after pill...”

Sander finally looked back at her, and Mia could see the relief in his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Sander nodded. It was the least he could do after Mia made sure he got home safe and stayed with him to keep him company and to prevent his thoughts about the night to spiral out of control. They were best friends for a reason. “Right now, or...?”

“Well, it’s morning after, not week after, dumbass.” Mia smiled. ”I’ll buy you a cup of coffee. That might be a better option than that.” Mia said, gesturing towards the weed.

Sander looked down at where his fingers were rolling the joint together, and he saw Mia’s raised eyebrow. And damn it, she was good at playing into his conscience. After all, he knew it wasn’t the best idea for him to get high with his meds. And having her look at him like that, he had no other choice but to cave.

“Okay. Let’s go then. As soon as I get back home I’m taking a nap again.” Sander said, methodically putting away the weed in its usual hiding space, and walking back to the bed to grab his phone. He smiled when he saw Robbe had texted him, announcing he had a ‘surprise’ for Sander when they saw each other again tomorrow. Sander allowed his mind to wonder for a little bit as he put on a black pair of jeans and pulled out a long sleeved shirt. He texted Robbe back saying he couldn’t wait, and bit his thumb for a moment awaiting a reply.

Mia put her hair in a messy bun and smiled as she looked back in the mirror, watching Sander lovingly stare at the screen of his phone. It was as if it was his boyfriend in person, even a picture or a text could put a lovesick smile on his face.

It was good, seeing Sander happy. It was even better to see that last night hadn’t freaked him out, and even may have helped him a little bit. Or at least, that’s what she assumed, knowing Sander and the way he dealt with triggering situations usually. He seemed okay, so Mia’s concern about leaving him alone became less every minute.

“I’m ready, so... what’s the plan with your parents?”

Sander looked up and put on his shoes, shrugging. “What plan? Look, they know I’m dating Robbe. They also know that my romantic attraction to people is not based on gender, so they know they shouldn’t assume a girl leaving my room is anything more than a platonic thing. And my parents are pretty chill, so it’s gonna be fine.” Sander explained. 

He then finished up lacing the boots, and got up grabbing his wallet and keys from where they had successfully made their way back to his house with him. Which was a success compared to other nights. “Oh, on the way... Can we stop by Stadswaag? I left Robbe’s bike there last night and he kinda needs it back. I promised I'd safely store it here in the building so leaving it in the middle of the student neighborhood is not part of that plan.”

“Sure thing.” Mia nodded, before she grabbed her own little purse and checked her face once more in the mirror. She had already taken care of most of her smudged make-up in the bathroom earlier, but when she got home she would be able to do some proper skincare.

Fifteen minutes later Mia walked into the pharmacy at Melkmarkt and hesitantly walked up to the counter, waiting in line behind one older man who wanted something against an ear infection. Meanwhile Sander looked at sunscreen after Mia had told him specifically not to play into the assumption that they were together.

“One morning after pill please.” Mia smiled.

“One moment.” the pharmacist replied as they went to the back where the whole wall was lined with different drawers.

“There you go. It’s 10 euros but you get 9 euros paid back by your health insurance. If you’re under 25 that falls under your parent’s health insurance...”

“CM.” Mia nodded. The pharmacist smiled proudly. “Good. Additionally, this type of anticonception is only meant to be used as a last resort in case you’ve had unprotected sex in the last five days. If it’s been longer, you should consult your OBGYN.”

“Got it.” Mia assured. She looked over her shoulder at where Sander was doing his best to appear not suspicious, but perhaps she shouldn’t have because now the pharmacist was eyeing Sander too.

“Anticonception should be something you and your partner can talk about and agree with, and preventing pregnancy is not just the responsibility of the woman in the relationship. I would like to...”

“I’m good, really. It’s not like that. And he’s just here for moral support.”

Sander awkwardly waved at the pharmacist, who now seemed a bit embarrassed so Mia quickly grabbed her card to pay, and then they walked out of there trying not to burst out laughing. 

“Every damn time.” Mia said, shaking her head. She tucked away the pharmacy bag, which just about fit in her tiny purse. 

“Well, just keep in mind that his advice might help the next couple that walks in and that’s àctually a couple.” Sander winked.

Mia shrugged and suggested they’d grab breakfast at Tartine, taking the street on their right. 

“Well, at least you don’t have to worry about pregnancy.” Mia said, sighing.

Sander looked at her and then shook his head. “Well, no...” he replied. She was right about that. It was one concern they didn’t have.

“You guys still using protection?” Mia asked, curious.

Sander could see she was asking the question out of genuine curiosity, which was where Mia differed from some other people who had a bunch of questions about gay sex. He trusted Mia, and nodded in reply. “Robbe... he hasn’t really been in relationships before. So I don’t really want to freak him out by suggesting we do otherwise.”

Mia hummed, and knowing his best friend well enough by now, Sander knew she had an opinion. “What?”

“I’m just... I mean...” She sighed, knowing she shouldn’t get involved. But she also wanted her best friend to have a good time. “Well… The only thing that’s possible is STD’s, right? And you can get tested for those, so I’m just saying. You have an opportunity that some straight guys would take in a heartbeat.” Mia explained. 

She then pointed at the place she suggested to have breakfast and they picked a table by the window, allowing Sander to let the words turn in his head a bit, before he formulated a reply. “Maybe... But it would be a pretty big step. And we haven’t been together for that long. And like I said, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m pushing. Robbe needs to do things at his own pace, that’s pretty important to me.”

“Yeah no, I... I get it. I just brought it up, you know.”

Sander looked out of the window for a few moments, then looked back at his best friend. “Are you going to get tested? I mean... that Simon guy. Do you trust him?”

“I barely know him.” Mia shrugged in reply. So yeah, that probably meant she should get tested. “Maybe all three of us could do it together?” she smiled, leaning her chin on both of her hands. 

“Yeah as if I’m going to subject my boyfriend to your inquisition about our sex life. I kind of want him to like my friends, you know.”

“Auwtch.” Mia joked. “That’s implying women who are sex-positive are less likable. Shame on you, Sander, for supporting the patriarchy.”

“Ha ha, very funny.” Sander glared. “Honestly, fuck the patriarchy.”

“Now that’s what I’m talking about.” Mia winked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a kudos or a comment below if you think Mia is a great best friend to our Sander and would love to see more of her. Perhaps a spin-off fic with the college kids?


	94. Sunday - 01/03/2020 - 18.32

Why the fuck was the damn train platform so busy, Robbe thought to himself as he moved past people crowding up the platform. The sun had just set, and the sky was growing darker by the minute, but he wasn’t prepared for just how cold it was until the crowd opened up and no longer shielded him from the strong winds. 

When he finally saw the stairs he walked down, escaping the cold for a brief moment in the station building, where people were equally buzzing and criss-crossing in all directions. Robbe found himself a spot next to the wall where he wouldn’t be in anyone’s way and he checked his phone to see which entrance Jens mentioned he was waiting.

He then added himself to the sea of people that was moving towards the back entrance of the station, and he pulled on the beanie on his head when the sliding doors opened and the cold hit him once again. When he saw Jens sitting on the stairs he frowned to himself a little bit at the contradiction that he texted he only just got there, but he didn’t give it much more thought as he approached him, bumping his shoulder. “Hey!”

“Ah, there you are. Thought you’d misread and gone to Antwerp Central or something.” Jens spoke. He smiled, and gave Robbe a first bump before he got up.

“No, no, sorry just a lot of people on the platform. Took me a while to get through.” Robbe said, and they both observed the people flooding out of the station. It made sense, since it was the final night of krokusvacation so everyone made their way back in or out of the city to resume their usual routines after a week of vacation. Groups of teenagers that just returned from citytrips or college students that were returning to their dorm for classes tomorrow. 

“Hungry?” Jens then asked, and Robbe nodded, before they both walked towards the crossing. Robbe felt a sudden burst of nostalgia thinking back to their ten year old self, desperate to hold on to the vacation for a little longer. They would be begging to continue their double night sleepovers, their moms protesting that tomorrow was a school day and they had to get to bed in their own homes. 

“Remember when we would try to convince our parents to extend our krokusvacation sleepovers?” Robbe asked out loud. 

Jens nodded, looking aside to his best friend, smiling. “Yeah. Your mom was the hardest to convince most of the time.” he grinned. 

Robbe laughed, nodding. “Yeah well, now she pretty much lets me invite whoever I want.” he remarked. He frowned to himself, a realization hitting him. “Makes me think if it was perhaps truly my dad who was against it so much...” Robbe said, while looking at the ground. He then looked over his shoulder at the train station, but in his mind he was looking back at the past 3 days.

Jens then slapped Robbe’s arm to indicate the light turned green, and Robbe blinked out of his thoughts, and he decided to focus on the road. He had suggested they could try a new pizzeria not too far from the station in Statiestraat. Which was before Robbe did what he did, and why he was now pulling the beanie on his head every time Jens looked away. 

He wasn’t worried about judgement coming from his best friend or anything like that. But part of him knew Jens would pride himself into being Robbe’s source of inspiration, and that would automatically result into relentless teasing.

And the weather still warranted a beanie, so there wasn’t anything super suspicious about it.

Robbe checked his phone when he received a text, and he smiled fondly, first reading back through the tekst conversation with Sander on the train before replying to the most recent one.

SANDER: [Do you want me to pick you up at the station and bring your bike?]

ROBBE: [I’m grabbing pizza with Jens first]

SANDER: [You know the Driesen storage facility prices go up after dark]

ROBBE: [I’ll pay you back tonight 😉]

Sander had just replied to the text, and Robbe smiled knowing that the delay in Sander’s reply probably meant Sander was at least partially impressed by his comeback. 

SANDER: [Looking forward to it.]

ROBBE: [Can you come to my place later tonight?]

SANDER: [I can come wherever you want baby.]

ROBBE: [I’m in public, idiot.]

SANDER: [Then get your mind out of the gutter.]

SANDER: [Enjoy your meal baby 😉]

ROBBE: [I’ll text you when I’m on my way home.]

“I think we’re here.” Jens then interrupted him, and when Robbe looked up he stared right at the ‘NEW’ sign and he nodded, before they both walked inside. 

“I already checked the menu on the train.” Robbe spoke, as they walked to a table. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do on a 45 minute trainride. He had grown tired of staring out of the window at the countryside of the Waasland region about fifteen minutes into the trainride.

Jens smiled, shaking his head as he opened the menu in front of him. “Right, you’re one of those people that looks at the menu beforehand. Guess Sander has his hands full with you when he wants to take you out on a date.” he joked. 

Robbe could handle the teasing about being high maintenance. But for some reason his guard was down, and Jens’ final comment hit him in a vulnerable place. His smile died on his lips instantly. Their first date. The taste of blood on his lips. Sander thinking of Robbe as a handful...

Robbe was lucky that Jens was too occupied with the dozens of choices of pizza, so he didn’t see how his best friend froze momentarily as the memory of their first date resurfaced. Robbe could feel his body tense up, and he looked around the restaurant nervously in a moment of panic. 

Breathe, breathe, the words echoed through his eyes. He managed to blink his eyes back into focus and turn the white noise in his head off. He slowly rolled his shoulders, relaxing a little bit. And all the while, Jens had his face burried in the menu. Thank fucking god Jens had a weakness for greasy food, Robbe thought.

“Guess we’re in luck that I can eat just about any type of pizza.” Jens smiled as he closed the menu again. 

Robbe gave a small nod and a nervous smile in return to Jens’ relaxed one. 

“Right.” Robbe chuckled a bit nervously, while eyeing his phone. Could he tekst Sander? Could he escape to the bathroom? Robbe pursed his lips together. No, he wasn’t going to do none of that. It was just in his head. He could get over it, right here and now.

Finally, his breath escaped his lips without shaking. 

They ordered their food, which arrived to their table fifteen minutes later while the boys where in the middle of watching one of the videos Jens had caught on his go pro. 

“That’s pretty cool. Oh, food’s here.” Robbe said, leaning back and admiring the 32 centimeters diameter pizza that was being placed in front of him. He wasted no time digging in, and mumbled something about giving it a five star rating. 

“Huh?” Jens asked, and Robbe shook his head, smiling. 

“Inside joke with Sander. Anyways... Eh...” Robbe wiped his mouth and he could tell Jens was hardly listening, and he had been distracted during their talk about the snowboarding earlier too. 

“Everything okay?” Robbe decided to ask. 

Jens looked at him a bit offened, and Robbe shrugged. “I don’t know, you seem a bit anxious?” Robbe said, and he then grabbed another slice to stuff his mouth. Perhaps he shouldn’t have mentioned it. Perhaps he should have just given Jens the opportunity to talk whenever he wanted to, instead of pointing it out and -

“Well, I guess I...” Jens sighed annoyed. “I mean, does it provide you with enough of an answer if I tell you I didn’t even bother to help my family unpack from the trip?”

Robbe paused his chewing, frowning. “Eh... Kind of.”

“We literally got home at 6PM and I came to the station right away. I sat there on the steps while your train was still on the other side of the river. Because I swear to god the carride from the airport and the whole week in general was a mess. I... I just couldn’t handle it anymore. You truly saved me with this, because I just needed to get out.”

Robbe looked at his best friend, who for a moment seemed to look for some sort of sign to figure out if he should continue or not. And so Robbe couldn’t think of anything other than to take another bite and nod, encouraging his friend to go on. It seemed like Robbe’s question had unleashed something, and for how he knew that Jens had been bottling up the whole ordeal with his dad, Robbe was glad he even considered talking to him about it at all.

“I just... I couldn’t pretend to be one happy family any longer. That was it. Our final trip with the five of us, you know. And he spent the entire trip making arrangements for the move and staying with Lotte while me and my mom and Lies were out there in the snow. It’s like he’s already gone.”

Robbe leaned back, and took his beanie off knowing there was no way Jens would even noticed his pierced ear. “Jens, I don’t know what to say...” Robbe spoke, an overwhelming amount of sadness washing over him. And here he was considering venting about his dad’s awkward attempts at making light conversation with him or about how he was scared of stepping a foot onto the most popular student square in Antwerp. But Jens was on the verge of having his dad slip through his fingers and his entire family ripping apart.

“There’s nothing to say.” Jens replied, and he quickly blinked, looking anywhere but at his best friend right now who would be able to see right through him. But then again, if he couldn’t talk about this to his best friend then why were they friends at all. 

Jens plucked a piece of fluff from his elbow, keeping his eyes looking down. 

“I just wish we could go back to being those ten year olds again, you know. Without all this messed up stuff in our lives.”

Robbe gave an empathetic smile despite Jens not looking up. And when he let the silence fill their conversation for several moments, he concluded Jens was done sharing. 

He then looked at the final quarter half of his pizza, deciding he was good for now. He figured he could make his mom happy with the leftovers. “At least we still have our moms, though?” Robbe tried with a soft smile. “I think I’m actually taking the rest of this home to her.”

Jens looked up and clicked his tongue. “So you’re gonna leave me to finish the rest of this by myself? Ditching me to go be a mama’s boy?” Jens smiled. And Robbe was glad he smiled. But then he could see the smile fade, and Robbe started to feel guilty for having to leave. 

“Actually yeah. Well that and Sander is bringing my bike back. And I kind of need it for school tomorrow...”

“Oh.” Jens said, trying his best to hide his dissappointment. “Yeah well that makes sense then. I eh, I guess I will see you tomorrow at school then.” Jens said, trying not to sound too bitter about it.

Robbe sighed deeply, knowing he wasn’t winning any best friend of the year nominations with this move.

“Jens, listen I... I’m sorry I can’t stay longer. You know you can always talk to me about literally anything. Jens, I know you, okay? We’ve been best friends since I can remember. And we don’t need to set up this whole thing just to talk. If you need to talk you can just call me. Drag me out of the classroom at school. I don’t care. You really don’t have to be scared I will judge you or anything.”

“There is no need to get all emotional Robbe...” Jens chuckled, but Robbe wouldn’t relent, leaning forward. 

“No Jens, sometimes there is. Sometimes you have to get those damn emotions off your chest. If anyone knows that is me. I almost allowed them to eat me up from the inside because I was so mortified of facing them. So trust me when I say that if you need to talk, then talk. You can talk to me, or to Jana, or the bo..”

“Jana isn’t really an option, bro.” Jens sighed. 

Robbe rolled his eyes. “Oh fuck that. You know she loves you, Jens. Yeah sure you’re her ex and a part of her messy history but that doesn’t invalidate the fact that you have a strong friendship underneath all that.”

Robbe’s phone buzzed, his mom texting him if he was going to be home soon, and Robbe looked back at Jens apolegetically. But this time, Jens gave him a nod with a soft smile. 

“It’s okay. Go. I’m not in the best mood, and I’m sure your mom and your boyfriend really wanna see you too.” Jens spoke. “It was great catching up though. And I’ll text you when I need to talk. I promise.” he then added.

“You better. Okay, well then I’m gonna head out.” Robbe said, before approaching the person behind the counter to ask for a to-go box. 

He waved at Jens as he walked out of the pizzeria, quickly pulling up maps on his phone and providing a five star rating before he tried to figure out the shortest route to walk home. 

Half an hour later Robbe cursed as he almost tripped and fell on the sidewalk, but he just barely managed to keep both himself and the pizza box balancing on his hand from landing on the ground. He checked on the slices, obviously already cold by now, before he got to the back door of his house, walking in the kitchen.

He saw his mom on the phone in the kitchen so he put down the box of pizza and sat at the kitchen table, waiting for the call to end. 

Ilse walked in mere moments later.

“That was your dad. He asked you to text him you got home safe. He was almost convincing at coming across worried. But when I told him I saw you walk onto the driveway it seemed like he couldn’t end the call quick enough.” Ilse said. 

Robbe heard her mumble something, but he didn’t understand it. Then he watched as she leaned her elbows on the counter. 

“Pizza? From your hangout with Jens?”

“Eh yeah.” Robbe said, sliding the box towards her. Ilse smiled brightly when she saw the pizza and moved to put two slices on a plate with a glass of water, to make the pizza maintain it’s moisture. 

Robbe watched her and smiled, thinking back to the numerous of times he’d reheated leftover pizza back at the flatshare, and how Milan had gasped when Robbe shared the trick with the glass of water. 

He then looked at his reflection in the kitchen window to check if his beanie was still properly covering his ears. “Dad didn’t eh, mention anything else on the phone then?” Robbe asked with the buzzing of the microwave in the background.

Ilse hummed questioningly, and Robbe shrugged. “He didn’t talk about anything specific?” Robbe asked again. 

“No, not really, no. He said you were on your phone a lot but I explained you were a teenager in love so that was kind of normal.” Ilse smiled. 

Robbe rolled his eyes for a moment because of his mom’s tendency to over-romanticize everything but then as the silence fell between them and he instinctively grabbed for his phone to tekst Sander he indirectly kind of proved her point.

“Well speaking of... Sander is coming over in a little bit, if that’s okay. That’s why I’m not taking off my coat and stuff, because I don’t know if he’ll stay.He’s bringing my bike back.” Robbe explained.

_And I’m going to reveal to him I got my ear pierced and I don’t know if he will actually like it or not so I’m a bit nervous, Robbe thought._

“Ah yes. I hadn’t seen it in its usual spot, i was wondering where it had gone.” Ilse smiled, before the microwave beeped and she took out the reheated pizza.

“His got stolen last weekend and I knew I wouldn’t need mine for a few days.”

“Then how is he getting back home?” Ilse asked curiously. “Does he need me to drop him off with the car or something? I’d be more than happy too. I could -”

“No, mom...” Robbe chuckled. “He will take the bus or something, I don’t know.” Robbe said, then looking back at his phone. 

“But he’s just gotten to our street, so he’s here right now.” Robbe said as he got back up from the table and walked outside. “Enjoy the pizza.” he smiled at his mom.

He didn’t want to wait anymore, and just as he got to the driveway he saw Sander walk on. He paused in his tracks, and when Sander gave him that signature smirk, he melted. Fuck, he was so gone for him.


	95. Sunday - 01/03/2020 - 20.13

Robbe blinked a few times before he walked towards Sander with a grin on his face. He met him halfway on the driveway, and genty wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. “I missed you.” Robbe whispered as he glued himself to his boyfriend. 

Sander chuckled and checked to see if his half-assed attempt at balancing the bike on his pick as Robbe walked to him actually worked, before he burried his face in Robbe’s shoulder. “I’m joining you on the next trip to Gent.” Sander smiled. 

Robbe laughed and looked at Sander, tilting his head. “If you’re willing to spend three days with my dad, deal.” he said, breaking the hug into just holding Sander’s hand. He looked down at the way their fingers intertwined, and looked up. And yes, perhaps it was cheesy because they had only been apart for 72 hours, but he’d experienced a lot of tension in that time and Sander was the best remedy for making him relax and to get him to stop being so in his own head about everything. 

“Wanna go inside?” Robbe suggested, and Sander smiled, nodding, before looking down. “Sure thing. I will need payment for keeping your bike safe.” he said with a grin. 

Robbe looked at him with that ‘you’re unbelievable’ look and then turned around, walking towards the house, dragging Sander along with him. 

“Wait, Robbe, your bike...” Sander protested, letting go of Robbe’s hand to grab the handles and drive it to the back of the house. “Wouldn’t want it in plain sight on the driveway. It might get stolen too...” Sander explained when Robbe had a confused frown on his face. 

Robbe rolled his eyes and then walked into the house through the kitchen door.

“What? Should I just have thrown it on the ground and followed you inside then?” Sander grinned, and then he looked up to see Ilse at the dinner table. “Hi Ilse. Oh, that looks delicious. Smakelijk.” 

“Thanks.” Ilse smiled. 

Robbe meanwhile grabbed a bag of chips and two cans of cola, putting them in his bag and then he walked toward the archway into the living room. “Eh, we’re just gonna be upstairs now. So goodnight.” 

“Goodnight boys.” Ilse nodded. “And Robbe, you be on time for school in the morning okay?” 

“I’ll make sure of it. Night Ilse.” Sander grinned, before following after Robbe into the hallway, where he watched Robbe take off his coat and he did the same, kicking off his shoes next to the stairs. When he looked up, Robbe was already at the top of his stairs, and Sander frowned for a moment before asscending the stairs two steps at a time. 

“What has you in such a hurry?” Sander joked. Hell, it wasn’t like he had biked across Antwerp for chit chat with Robbe’s mom or anything. He had missed Robbe, imagined him being there with him and his friends on Friday and wished his dad could have made brunch for both of them on Saturday. But now he was here. And even if they had an early morning the next day, even a few hours with him would make up for the weekend apart. 

Yet he wasn’t sure what he walked into when he approached the door, recalling Robbe telling him he had a surprise. The door was open just a few centimeters, inviting, drawing him in, and when Sander took in the room he saw Robbe unpacking his bag with the chips and sodas onto his desk, his beanie now discarded on his dresser. 

“Can you close the door?” Robbe asked, glancing over his right shoulder for a brief moment. He then looked back at his hands, holding onto the zipper, and when he let go they were a bit shaky.

Robbe had no problem admitting he was nervous. Perhaps even more so than when he actually got his ear pierced on Friday. He knew he liked it a lot himself. He had been smiling in the mirror like an idiot when he brushed his teeth or when he checked his hair before going out. He was glad he finally decided to go through with it. But it did change his look, just a tiny little bit. And Sander was his boyfriend. He, arguably, saw Robbe the most upclose. So it only made sense that Robbe felt like he wanted Sander to like this just as much as he did. That he got some sort of approval out of it, to figure out if Sander was even into it, perhaps. A turn on or turn off. They had only discussed those briefly before, but piercings or tattoo hadn’t been a subject back then. 

“I seemed to recall something said about a surprise?” Sander spoke, suddenly closer behind him than Robbe had anticipated. He took in a deep breath, and then turned around, nodding, only a few centimeters from Sander’s face. Here went nothing.

“I eh... I’ve kind of wanted to do this for a while. But I was struggling with a bunch of internalized stuff before so I never really went through with it but... Surprise.” Robbe said. 

Sander frowned a bit, scanning Robbe’s face for any clues as to what he was talking about. Then he gasped, noticing something small reflective, subtly covered by some of Robbe’s growing curls. He leaned in closer, his fingertips softly reaching for the shell of Robbe’s ear. 

“Do you like it?” Robbe finally dared to ask after a few moments of silence. He watched Sander, who seemed a bit entranced. “Sander?” Robbe repeated, his hand now coming to touch Sander’s shoulder, his hand aching to touch. To be touched. But he had to know first. 

Sander swallowed. “I don’t like it.” Sander concluded, then turning to look back at Robbe. A smile then grew on his face. “I fucking love it. It looks amazing on you.” 

“Really?” Robbe gasped, his smile growing. He was in disbelief, blushing a bit. His bravery had paid off once more. 

“Yes. Hell yes. You look so hot.” Sander said, nodding before leaning his forehead against Robbe’s. “Amazing surprise.” he whispered softly, locking his arms behind his boyfriend’s neck. 

Robbe sighed deeply, and then chuckled nervously. “I’m glad. I guess I... I wasn’t sure what you’d think of it.” Robbe admitted. 

Sander shook his head slightly. “You said it was something you’ve wanted to do for a while. So then it doesn’t really matter what I think of it though...” 

“Well, no. But I needed to tell you and to know if you’re really into it because it’s still kinda sensitive and I still need to be careful with it. So you can’t eh... well, don’t come near it with anything. That’s all I’m saying.” Robbe explained. 

Sander hummed and closed his eyes. “Got it. Won’t come near it. But...” Sander said, looking at Robbe’s lips which he’d been yearning for the last few minutes. “Can I kiss these?” 

Robbe chuckled and nodded, leaning in for a long-overdue kiss, the knock you off your feet kind and he just melted into it entirely. They both breathed into it, breathed in each other, like a fresh breath of oxygen after being stuck under water for 3 full days. 

“I really missed you.” Sander whispered in between lingering kisses, and Robbe smiled, finally disconnecting their lips for a few moments. Sander bit his lip and allowed his hands to roam over Robbe’s back, feeling his boyfriend arch into it. “Fuck, I want you so badly.” 

“Yeah?” Robbe asked, and Sander nodded, tracing soft, delicate kisses to Robbe’s neck now. Awaiting, an unspoken question in the air. It made Robbe smile, and he channeled some of his slowly growing bravery. “Have me then.” 

Sander’s head raised at hearing the words that caused a chill down his spine. The things this boy did to him. Sander had never experienced anything like it. He knew they were now several months into their relationship, and that the constant effort of meeting up and sleeping over might become harder at one point. But right now there was only one part getting hard. 

Robbe tilted his head down, and looked up at Sander while biting his lip, before he teasingly lifted his shirt and then pulled it over his head. Sander’s mouth dropped a little, and he licked his lips before he let out a small groan and surged towards Robbe to claim him in a kiss. It was the type of kiss that caught Robbe by surprise, and he knew Sander was aware of the affect he had on him. 

Sander knew exactly what to do or say. Never failed to make him feel loved, understood. He gave Robbe the type of love he had never experienced before. The type of desire that he never had anyone ever express for him in such a way. And Robbe still wasn’t really used to being wanted. To be loved. To have someone he belonged with. He was so not used to it still, that he couldn’t stop grinning when his dad asking him about his boyfriend. His boyfriend. His. Boyfriend. 

“You’re making me dizzy, Sander.” Robbe managed to murmur. Sander looked at him, concern and lust both visible in his eyes simultaneously, and moments later Robbe’s back hit his bed, his head just below the pillows. 

“Better?” Sander smiled, leaning over him, and Robbe nodded with his hooded eyes trailing back to Sander’s lips, almost singing a siren’s song to draw them in closer. He pulled Sander towards him again and they continued where they left off, not even missing a beat with the way the kiss instantly deepened. 

Robbe kissed Sander as if his life depended on it, clinging to Sander and demanding closer, more. And less. Less clothes. Fuck, why were they still almost fully clothed? “Sander.” Robbe panted, breathless once again. “Clothes. Off.” 

Robbe was far beyond making coherent sentences at this point to be honest. And Sander just chuckled, just a tiny bit more composed. But who was gonna blame Robbe. He was probably the most turned on 16 year old in Berchem at this point. 

Soon the floor gathered a pile of jeans, shirts and hoodies, and the sheets above them provided some warmth while their bodies moved below it. 

They both felt out of breath from how big the need for each other was. Robbe’s mouth was pliant, lips lazily dragging against Sander’s. He enjoyed the languid kiss, letting out a satisfied sigh as Sander moved on to his neck, causing Robbe's hand to grasp in Sander's hair. 

“It feels so good to feel you.” Sander murmured against his jaw, and Robbe only silently agreed by demanding Sander’s lips on his again to bury the moan that would escape his lips otherwise. He pressed his body closer to Sander’s, the heat spurring him on. He needed to feel him closer. Feel the way Sander’s skin moves against his. Fuck, he was so gone. He could only pray Sander understood, and wanted the same. 

Sander was convinced Robbe was divine long before, but whenever they allowed the want and the desire to sit in the driver seat, the willingness Robbe showed to give it all made him fall helplessly in love all over again. Love, and comfort, and want, and longing. Teasing but also the determination. Safety and vulnerability all simultaneously mixing together in an emotion that Sander had only ever felt when he was with Robbe. And it almost makes it hard to breathe. 

Sander’s hands reach for whatever skin they can get to, and he let the lust and love and that whole mix of feelings he felt for Robbe rush through him in all it’s contradiction. 

And Robbe marveled at Sander’s hands roaming his body, and when Sander briefly tickled him the most delightful little laugh escaped his lips. And a single thought roamed through his head: that he was now able to be so carefree, and feel loved, because months ago he was brave enough to finally put himself first and take the deep dive plunge into this thing that seemed to be transpiring between him and Sander. The way he chose love, when he fell for Sander, praying Sander would feel the same way. And he did.

“I love you.” Robbe whispered. “I love you so much. Please, Sander.” Robbe breathed. Sander looked at him he had this intense look in his eyes. Almost feral. And it suddenly knocked all the innocence out of them. Sander’s fingers slid in between Robbe’s, pinning his hand to the bed and Robbe’s head fell into the pillow. “Fuck.” 

Sander moved them, his legs tangling with Robbe’s and Robbe gasped when Sander moved his hips just slightly. “Yeah?” Sander asked, repeating the motion and Robbe’s groan was enough answer for Sander to know what Robbe wanted. He ran his hand up Robbe’s leg, his touch leaving what felt like a burn mark in his trail. Then, he began the most excruciating rocking motion, causing Robbe to pull him impossibly closer. 

“You feel so good.” Sander whispered. 

Robbe drew in a shaky breath and bit his lip, trying not to make too much noise. He then noticed Sander’s gaze on his lip, and an idea formed in his head. He released his lip from his teeth before licking his lips. The reaction it triggered made Robbe throw his head back in the pillow. Fuck, yes.

“Keep going. Keep... closer.” Robbe uttered, while clawing at Sander’s skin. “I can’t wait anymore.” 

And he knew he should. He knew they could take this slow and let the fire build more. Make it last. But all weekend he had felt a part of him had been missing, and he needed them to reconnect those missing pieces, materialize those phantom touches and go where they physically needed to go. 

Just like months ago standing at the edge of the pool, Robbe took off all layers that remained. Back then Robbe hadn’t even known for a certainty what it would lead to. Except this, he knew. He knew that he could have Sander where he needed him the most, and that he liked being pushed over the edge. And when one of them jumped, the other jumped too. 

Now they were together, soaking in the afterglow on their cheeks and the quick rise and fall of their chests, trying to get the oxygen to return into their lungs. Coming down from the shockwaves of the Tsjernobyl that just crashed over them. The good kind. 

Robbe was the first to move, reaching to move some of Sander’s hair out of his face. When Sander melted into his touch, Robbe noticed he looked much younger and he smiled. He had noticed the same whenever he saw Sander sleep. Minus all the cool layers and the whole arts student thing going on, Robbe had the privilege to see some of Sander’s most innocent moments. Then he frowned to himself, because innocence somehow had come to mind just moments after Sander gave him one of the best orgasms of his entire life. The boy was a walking paradox. 

“What are you thinking?” Sander asked, and Robbe blinked, shrugging. 

“Just... Thoughts.” Robbe replied. Sander snorted, and Robbe dropped his hand and the soft motions they were making . “What?” 

“You’re thinking thoughts?” Sander teased, his tongue peaking through his lips for a brief moments. 

“Well now you’ll never know. So if thinking thoughts is not cool… Tell me something then. How was your weekend. What did you get up to?” Robbe asked. “You didn’t really mention anything in the texts...” 

Sander looked at Robbe, and he knew the phrase wasn’t meant accusatory, but he felt a ping of guilt anyways. But he had a pretty good reason not to discuss this with Robbe over text. He guessed now was as good as any moment, he thought as he turned on his side.

“I eh... went out with friends.” Sander said, before he moved his hand under the pillow, adjusting his head on it, leaning just a little bit closer. And then he broke his gaze with Robbe, looking at the space between them. “We eh... We went to Ossenmarkt. Mia.. Maxim... They wanted to go there. And I...” 

“Sander...” Robbe spoke, demanding his eyes. 

Sander was reluctant to look up, not sure if he’d be met with a look of betrayal or judgement. “No Robbe, let me explain. Being there was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The ghost of that night, and the lack of you being there with me... I... I got shitfaced just to deal with it. And I...” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Robbe frowned. And the undertone in his voice was what finally made Sander look up, seeing what he feared the most. Robbe was upset. 

“Robbe, I couldn’t text you that over the phone. I didn’t want you to think of what happened while you were all the way in Gent. I wanted to tell you about it while I had you in my arms.” Sander said, softly stroking the skin on the rounding of Robbe’s shoulder. 

Robbe closed his eyes for a few moments, focusing on the touch but also imagining Sander in that place. “Were you scared?” 

“I’m not gonna pretend like I wasn’t scared.” Sander said, his voice dropping just a little bit. “The alcohol helped. But the point of it is that I did it. I went there. And it’s created a determination for me. Because I don’t... I don’t want us to be fearful. I don’t want them to have that type of power. And I feel like I reclaimed something by going there. Reclaimed us. Because you, and us, and what we have is the most important thing for me.” 

Robbe moved his head in the pillow, something resembling a nod, but Sander could tell he was awfully still. And he didn’t like it one bit. “Baby...” 

“I just… you just went ahead and decided to do that, telling me afterwards...” Robbe spoke. He looked up with a pained look in his eyes. “Sander... what do you expect me to say?” 

“Baby, I was just out with friends. It wasn’t planned. And when I made that decision, I made it hoping it would help me. And it has. Kind of.” Sander groaned at his own lacking conclusion. “I don’t know. But... what I do know is that I wasn’t gonna text you and drop that on you.” 

Robbe sighed. “Yeah I... I guess I get that.” he nodded. He would have probably gotten on the first train back to Antwerp or something. “Perhaps you’re right. And, I mean, if it was a good thing to do then I’m happy for you.” 

Sander smiled, leaning in to kiss his boyfriend. And then again, for good measure. And when Robbe’s eyes remained closed for a moment, Sander knew it was just him processing the information. Then, as they blinked back open, Sander knew Robbe was no longer thinking of the conversation they just had.

“Do you think you’ll ever go back to your natural color?” Robbe asked, out of the blue. He needed a distraction. And he knew Sander could give him one with whatever answer he had to that question. 

Sander looked up at the lock of bleached blonde hair he could see, and shrugged. “I don’t know.” he said, grasping the strand of hair and pulling on it. “I mean doing this isn’t the healthiest thing so either I go bald or I go back to the darker color. Haven’t decided on either option yet.” Sander teased. 

Robbe laughed, and Sander raised an eyebrow. “Why, you don’t think I'd look good bald?” 

“I will literally dump you if you shave your head. You should be aware of that.” Robbe replied. 

Sander gasped and immediately shook his head. “Nope. No you won’t. I refuse to believe anything as stupid as haircuts can come between us.” 

“Or pierced ears?” Robbe asked, and Sander still shook his head. Neither. Then, they allowed a moment of silence. 

“Or me going back to Ossenmarkt?” Sander then asked, hesitantly. All the hope in the world that Robbe would just say no. That they were okay, that Sander hadn’t crossed a line he wasn’t aware of. 

Robbe then moved closer to Sander, his muscles eventually giving in, his mind accepting, confirming. We’re together. We’re okay. “No. Nothing. There’s nothing that can come in between us. I won’t let it.” Robbe said as he started tracing his fingers on Sander’s chest. 

Sander smiled, the love in his eyes almost overwhelming, and he pressed a soft kiss to Robbe’s cheek. “Me neither. I will not let anyone take these last few months away from us. Promised.” 

Robbe hummed and smiled, allowing himself to drift to all the previous times they would lay in bed together like this. To all the time they spent just being together, without actually doing anything. The type of moments Robbe thought only existed in movies, because there was no way that these silences weren’t awkward. But they actually weren’t. They were filled with love. And connection. And so many was being said in them without saying anything at all. I trust you. I’m comfortable with you. I love you. 

He then looked around his room, knowing he should unpack but he couldn’t be bothered with it now. In fact, he didn’t want to move at all. “I brought snacks… Can we watch a movie or something?”

“We could do that.” Sander nodded, and they allowed for exactly five minutes of separation while Sander selected a movie and Robbe returned from the bathroom. When Sander watched Robbe put on his shirt, he smirked and Robbe smiled innocently, before crawling back in the bed next to his boyfriend. Then, Robbe blinked at the highway traffic jam scenery with people dancing on top of cars that was playing on the screen, but he went with it, lacing his fingers with Sander’s.

“You know... we’ve been properly together for three months now.” Robbe said as he only now realized the scenes of the movie skip through the seasons. He didn’t have a specific purpose with mentioning it, just that it had come to mind over the weekend. And while they started out with plenty of confusion and ups and downs, the last three months had been theirs. And he wouldn’t exchange it for anything in the world. 

Sander smiled, thinking back to three months ago, when he promised Robbe that it would be the two of them, 100% in every universe. “Best three months of my life. But... does that mean you’re expecting croissants in the morning though? Because I don’t think I’m willing to get out of bed that early again.” 

Robbe laughed and shook his head. “I don’t need croissants. You waking up to you has always been the one thing that could’ve made that morning better. So let’s just do that.” 

Sander smiled and nodded, pulling Robbe in close. “I promise I will try to wake up next to you as much as possible over the next three months then.” Sander whispered. 

“Deal.” Robbe spoke, his lips moving millimeters from Sander’s skin as he got comfortable in his boyfriend’s embrace as sleep overtook him suddenly and quickly, even if he wished he could stay awake and finish the final fifteen minutes of the movie.

“You wanna sleep?” Sander asked, and Robbe nodded, on the brink of it already. 

Sander moved his laptop out of the way and pulled the sheets up closer. “It’s okay. You can sleep.” Sander whispered, tightening his embrace, knowing that the last few days had probably taken a toll on Robbe and he was probably more tired from it than he allowed himself to realize. 

Sander yawned watching Robbe, until the darkness in the room and the comfort of his sleeping boyfriend next to him made Sander’s eyelids a bit heavy too and not too long after Robbe’s breathing evened out, Sande rested his head on the pillow again, and he took a final glance at the pierced ear before falling asleep with a blissfull smile on his face. 


	96. Monday - 02/03/2020 - 07.25

Monday mornings usually didn’t allow for much time to waste. And it had been something Sander was aware of last night when he set the alarm. Especially considering it was the first day back after a week off for Robbe, he figured he would need to do his best to keep the promise he made to Ilse. 

That was why he had decided to set his alarm 5 minutes earlier than the time he knew Robbe usually got up, so that he could steal a few more minute and try to make the monday morning as bareable as he possibly could. 

Because as much as Robbe was a grumpy teenager who did not want to wake up to go to school on the first day back after a week break, Sander knew he could get away with it if he used his boyfriend privileges wisely.

“Robbe...” Sander whispered, softly sliding his hand onto Robbe’s side, then down his arm and taking his hand in his. 

“Baby, you have to wake up now.” Sander spoke, still barely using his voice. He pulled Robbe’s hand towards his lips and placed a little kiss. Waiting, giving it a few moments before he’d try again.

But he didn’t have to try a third time, as Robbe’s eyes flutter open with a smile, and his index finger touches Sander’s lips softly. A single distinct motion, while the rest of him was still glued to the bed. Sander couldn’t help but find it adorable.

“Hi.” Sander smiled, placing a little kiss directly onto Robbe’s finger before he took a deep breath in. “It’s secretly still 4 minutes until the actual alarm but I figured I’d have you all to myself for a little while longer.”

Robbe groaned and Sander smiled, fully prepared for this type of reaction. When Robbe turned around and faced his back to him, Sander clicked his tongue. “I thought we could shower together. I have to be at the academy at 9 anyways so I can’t wait until you’re done.”

“You’re the one who showers the longest.” Robbe mumbled from where his face was buried into the pillow again. He was balancing on the edge of being properly annoyed.

“Yeah cause if I don’t condition my hair it will fall out and I will be bald and you said you’d break up with me if I did.” Sander spoke while he started tickling Robbe. 

“I seem to recall making a vow to not let anything get in between us, ever. St... Stop Sander, stop. P.. Please, you know I don’t handle tickling.”

“Shower with me, then.” Sander demanded. “And have a proper breakfast with your mom because we totally just ditched her last night and I want her to like me.” Sander then added. He figured he had the leverage in this situation, poking Robbe’s abs and causing him to laugh loudly.

“Sander, st... stop. Stop it, Sander.” Robbe begged. And when Sander finally relented, he took a deep breath, trying to soothe the burn in his abdomen. “She likes you already, silly. You make me the happiest. That’s all that matters to her.”

“Did she say that?” Sander asked, propping himself up on his arm, now intrigued. “That she likes me? For you, I mean...” Sander asked.

Robbe smiled, captivated by the fact that Sander wanted to obtain his mom’s approval. But it was Monday morning, and Robbe’s brain was filled with sleep, so he didn’t want to dive into the emotions of that kind of intention. “Well she hasn’t met my future other boyfriend yet so for now you’ll do, but...” he smirked.

Sander’s face dropped, and then the menacing look returned. “That’s not funny.” Sander said, sliding his hand back to Robbe’s side and continuing the tickling motions. 

“Okay okay okay. Sorry. No more jokes about it, promised.” Robbe said, and he sighed deeply when Sander’s hand stilled. Robbe rubbed a hand over his chest in realization that this was a very active but effective way to wake up. Although at this point he felt like he could sleep forever, even when he was relatively well-rested.

When Sander’s fingers intertwined with his, Robbe turned his face to the side. “Okay, you go turn on the shower and I’ll be there in like, 2 more minutes.” Robbe spoke, burrying his head back in the pillow. He now knew how effective Sander could be when it was his mission to get Robbe to wake up, so it wasn’t like he was going to oversleep. 

“Baby, this might be the last time you see me naked in the upcoming week because I have a pretty big deadline on Wednesday and we have that double date with Milan and Jonathan on Friday... So if you don’t get in the shower with me then I’m putting on clothes and you’re cut off.”

Robbe’s eyes had never blinked open faster. 

“Okay yeah. Jup, I’m awake. Let’s go.” he said, kicking off the sheets and getting out of bed on the opposite side, closest to the shower. “Komaan, we don’t have all day.”

Sander snorted and got up, shaking his head. So easy. So so easy. 

Thirteen minutes later Sander opened the breakfast cabinet door and tried to figure out what they could have for breakfast, Robbe’s habbit of either skipping it or making it a four course meal shining through as there weren’t any basic options available. Fancy granola, fancy oatmeal, none of which Sander felt comfortable just grabbing while Robbe was upstairs getting dressed. But then he spotted speculoos in the back corner, and he pulled it to the front with a satisfied hum. Bingo. 

Upstairs, Robbe wiped his hand over the mirror to defog it. He looked at himself in the mirror and smiled, moving his head to the side, still not used to actually seeing the earring there and not just having it be something he imagined. He allowed his fingertips to softly touch it, just to feel.

“What’s that?” Robbe then heard his mom’s voice behind him, and he instantly turned around, startled. 

“What?” 

Ilse approached him and took a hold of Robbe’s jaw. “This?” she said, looking at his pierced ear. 

Robbe suddenly felt like a child again, being scolded at for the grass marks on his jeans or for a bruise on his elbow from roughhousing with the other boys at scouts. For as much as her own mental health allowed it, his mom was pretty protective over him. And it took him a moment to get over that feeling, but when he did he pulled himself free. “Yeah. I got it pierced. So?” 

“So? Robbe…” Ilse said in a warning tone, taking a step back and crossing her arms, looking at him with a disagreeing look. 

Which Robbe didn’t understand, at all. Was she seriously disapproving of this? Out of all the things that had changed over the last year, this was where she was drawing the line? What the actual fuck? “I don’t get it, what is the problem?” 

Ilse scoffed. “Check yourself, Robbe. You do not talk back to me like that.” Ilse said, before she looked over her shoulder into the hallway. She was aware Robbe had a guest, so she was considerate enough to close the door behind her. 

“Robbe… The problem is that I thought we were good. I thought we were reconnecting. I thought you trusted me. To be your mom, to be the type of person you could talk to.” Ilse took another glance at the pierced ear, and her face portrayed pain. 

“My boy, it’s not like I disapprove…” 

“Then what is it mom?” Robbe asked, his arms flailing up before falling down again. “I love you and of course you will always be my mom. But I’m 16. I’m can decide on things without you having to hold my hand. I did it for months. So can you please stop treating me like a baby?” 

The irony that he just begged like a little kid wasn’t lost on him. 

“Robbe, sweetheart, I know all of that. I… I know your dad and I didn’t give you the nurturing family you needed. And that’s my biggest regret. That I wasn’t in the right headspace to celebrate your sixteenth birthday last year. That you had to live with strangers for a while… I know all of that has made it hard on you. On us. And part of me is delighted when I hear you’re able to be like the other kids at your school.” 

“Yeah, so…” Robbe said, this time a bit less annoyed. He was starting to catch on that this wasn’t just blind maternal judgement to him ‘rebelling’ and making choices for himself. 

“I just don’t get why you had to go and get this done while you were at your dad’s.” Ilse then said, taking another step closer and observing the earring. “I mean… Was there a specific reason? Did you actually think I wouldn’t approve? Or did you think... I wouldn’t be able to accept the change?” 

“I… I don’t know.” Robbe said, suddenly confused himself. But then he realized. He saw the look in her eyes, and he suddenly felt horrible. 

“I guess I just felt like doing it in a different environment. Like how people get tattoos on vacation, or something.” Robbe said, suddenly ducking his head, the guilt making it sorry to look his mom in the eyes. “Sorry, mama. I didn’t mean to sneak behind your back, honestly. And I don’t want you to think I’m not confiding things because of you being sick.” 

“That’s kind of what you did, Robbe. And the two of us, we need to be honest with each other, okay?” Ilse said, her serious look now fading for a soft smile. “You’re all I have, kiddo.” She said. 

Robbe let out a pained sound and then moved, his mom welcoming him in an embrace and he smiled at the comfort it gave him to just feel small for a moment. Even though he was literally taller than his mom at this point. “Thanks mom. And sorry, again. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” 

“It’s okay, you didn’t hurt my feelings.” Ilse assured him. She then let go of him again and pinched his cheek for good measure, making Robbe groan annoyed. 

“It looks good on you though. I mean… It’s what the kids do these days, so…”

Robbe could tell she was trying to be positive about it, and he loved her for that. “Mom, it’s... it’s okay. I know, it takes some time getting used to.”

“Yes. Yes, but don’t worry about me. I’m gonna go and get ready now.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” Robbe said rubbing his cheek because of the pinch. Then he remembered. “We can have breakfast downstairs, if you want? I think Sander might already be making some.”

“Sure. I’ll be right downstairs.” Ilse nodded, and Robbe walked back to his room to grab his backpack and then he descended the stairs, walking into the kitchen. 

“Oh, fuck.” Sander said, burning his fingers when Robbe’s sudden appearance startled him. 

Robbe chuckled and stood behind Sander, leaning down to press a kiss on Sander’s cheek and then he took in the spread of coffe-dipped speculoos on top of choco slices of bread. 

“Wait... is that coffee dipped speculoos on top of choco? Who told you that?” Robbe gasped. 

“Zoë did, I think.” Sander shrugged, then urging Robbe to take a seat. “Is your mom joining us? I eh... kinda put a bunch of other stuff on the table but I wasn’t sure.”

“Yeah, she is.” Robbe nodded, before he got up and pulled the yoghurt from the fridge and putting it down near the empty seat. “She does yoghhurt and granola. Don’t worry, you can get the credit.”

“Morning boys.” Ilse smiled, walking in the kitchen and eyeing the clock on the microwave. “Oh, you should be heading out soon.”

“Yeah but Sander made all of this so then how can I rush out the door.” Robbe said, before he took a bite and watched his mom smile brightly. 

“Thank you Sander.” she said, grabbing a bowl and adding the yoghurt into it. “You guessed right.” she said, adding some honey. “Oh and Robbe, I haven’t signed your February grades yet. Didn’t you get those right before vacation?”

“Eh, yeah. But dad signed them, so it’s okay.”

“Oh. Right.” Ilse said, before she took a bite out of her breakfast.

Robbe sighed when he thought back to their conversation upstairs, and he focussed his eyes on his plate because he couldn’t help but feel like he had intentionally hurt her feelings. Again. And Sander was bound to figure Robbe had something on his mind as they walked down the driveway. 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah. Just... My mom noticed the piercing. And the whole signature thing... I guess she kind of feels like I’m getting my dad involved in things instead of her. Like I would think her less fit to be my mom because she has a harder time dealing with change. But that’s not the case and it wasn’t my intention to hurt her and... I don’t know.”

He shrugged and then looked down at his bike, sighing.

“Wanna take the tram with me?” Sander offered, but Robbe looked up, shaking his head. “No it’s okay. I need some fresh air and time to clear my thoughts.” 

Sander nodded and they started walking down the sidewalk. “Okay. Well I’ll be working on the project this week but I will try to call you when I can, okay? And remember, don’t make plans for friday.”

“Right. Can’t upset the gay guru.” Robbe chuckled. They then got to the intersection where they would have to split ways in order for Sander to walk to the tram stop, and Robbe sighed deeply. Saying goodbye was always the hardest part. 

“Have fun at school baby.” Sander smiled, leaning in for a final kiss. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” Robbe smiled back, and then he willed himself to get on his bike and start pushing the pedals, because otherwise he was never going to get to school in time. Yet he couldn’t help himself to glance over his shoulder once more, and he saw Sander grinning, shaking his head and then waving, before he was out of sight, and Robbe looked up ahead, taking a deep sigh.

He approached the school no more than a minute before the bell rang, and just as he was about to go through the gate he caught Moyo walking up to the building. 

“Ah, someone else who struggled this morning. Glad to see I’m not the only one.” he smiled, while waiting for his friend by the school entrance.

“Yeah well, bus 21 has always been unreliable but I stood there for 20 minutes and nothing man. So I had no choice but to just walk.” Moyo complained. 

Although perhaps it was karma for how good the rest of his morning had gone. He had woken up three minutes before his alarm, his phone buzzing on his nightstand with a new text message from Laura. Followed by his mom preparing them toasts for breakfast, and actually having the choice between several toppings where his siblings had usually already emptied most of them. He ultimately went with jam, and had thanked his mom on the way out of the kitchen. So all-in all, for a Monday morning, he shouldn’t really complain. 

“Yeah it’s a bit of a mess at De Lijn it seems.” Robbe said, looking down at his phone. “Sander has been stuck at Opera for a good ten minutes already now. Apparently there’s a fault in the signaling of the subway...” Robbe read. He then looked up, and Moyo shrugged. 

“Shouldn’t you go put your bike away. First bell is in like -”

Moyo got cut off by the bell sound, covering his ear because he was inattentive an stood right below it, the sound piercing right through his ear.

“English right? 205?” Moyo checked, as he pointed to the building over his shoulder. 

“Yup. Keep Mr Vercruysen distracted until I get there okay. I’m so not getting a late note.” Robbe yelled from where he was already hurrying towards the bike storage. 

Moyo chuckled, and he walked into the building, jogging a little up the stairs and he watched the students file into the classroom from afar, so he knew he wasn’t noticeably late. He then checked down on his phone again, and put it on silent. Then, a notification flashed by. 

[Laura Snelders has invited you for an event: DANCEOFF 2020 – March 28th]

He clicked on the notification, and checked out the poster, before zooming back in on the date. And then he cursed. March 28th was his dad’s birthday. And Moyo knew for a fact that it fell on a Saturday this year because his dad had promised to take him to his old neighborhood in Brussels. It was a planned trip, just him and his dad spending some quality time together. Something Moyo had been wanting for a long time. 

“Moyo?” Moyo heard someone say down the hall, and when he saw their English teacher in the doorframe. Just in that moment second bell rang, and Moyo hurried his feet along, meanwhile hearing someone approach behind him. Moyo took his seat while Mr Vercruysen warned Robbe that he was lucky the bell rang for a full ten seconds. 

However since this was English class, Moyo typically tuned out most of what was being said the minute he sat down. English was the one exam he never or hardly studied for, and only when they would have trimester-long projects such as reading a book or a team assignment would he pay attention. Anything else about the English language he had learned years ago when he first started listening to Tupac. 

During the reading section about the geo-political structure of the United Kingdom Moyo grabbed out his phone and he hoovered over the ‘accept’ button of the event invite. Because by all means he should accept, and reschedule with his dad. It was the most logical thing to do. But then why did he feel like he was betraying his dad if he pressed his thumb onto the screen... 

The bell rang before his internal dilemma was able to reach a conclusion, and during history class Moyo actually put his phone in his bag, knowing his grades for history from last month weren’t the best although that one unannounced test on Napoleon and the French Revolution was totally to blame for that. Be that as it may, he knew if he failed a class two months in a row, his parents would notice and he happened to be just attached enough to his console privileges to want to try not fail the class a second month around. 

“Oh fuck I have such a headache from all those numbers. What teacher prepares a lesson with that much dates to remember on the second class after break.” Aaron groaned as they walked outside during their short break. 

He rubbed his temples, and Moyo frowned at him, causing Aaron to grin. “Oh man, you don’t know. Amber really gives the best massages. She will put my head in her lap, and like rub me like this and I swear it’s like I’m floating.” Aaron spoke, his eyes closed. 

In that exact moments three girls walked by, who gave Aaron a look of disgust, which caused Moyo to burst into laughter along with Jens and Robbe. 

“What?”

“Dude, you shouldn’t talk about your girlfriend rubbing you in the middle of the schoolyard...” Moyo explained. 

Aaron looked around at the schoolyard, and shrugged. 

“Eh, wait we have to go all the way to the math classroom right? Shit. Eh, I still need to go by my locker so then I need to leave now.” Robbe realized. 

“Eh, you’re not going anywhere.” Moyo then spoke, stopping Robbe in his tracks. “Is that an ear piercing?”

“What?!” Jens gasped, and Robbe froze, looking at the boys like a dear caught in headlights. Fuck. 

“Ha, does that now make me an influencer?” Jens joked.

“Oh la, look at that Robbe boy!” Moyo chimed. 

“Dude, seriously? Let me see.” Aaron spoke, and Robbe reluctantly showed the boys properly.

“It kind of suits you.” Aaron nodded. 

“Kind of?” Robbe chuckled. Was he offended by that? Maybe.

“What he means is that it looks cool. Just... different. It’s something to get used to.” Jens explained, glaring at Aaron. 

“No I mean... It’s okay if you think it looks weird. I’d rather have you being honest. I just... don’t really care if you happen to not like it. Because I like it, so...” Robbe shrugged. 

“When did you get it though? Because I didn’t notice it last night.” Jens said, frowning. 

Robbe laughed and shook his head. “I got it eh... Friday. But I had my beanie on the entire time yesterday so it makes sense you didn’t notice it.”

“Oh so that was what you were talking about when we hung out on Thursday!” Moyo suddenly recalled. “When you said you weren’t sure if you were going to go through with it. Honestly, I thought for a moment you were going to break up with Sander, so I didn’t really wanna ask about it but...”

“What?! No no no...” Robbe said, quickly shaking his head. “No, it was just about the piercing. I’ve wanted it for a while now, but I never actually stepped inside the place.”

“Well it’s good you went to a proper piercing place though. My cousin just did mine at home with a needle. I swear it’s a miracle it never got infected.” Jens commented.

“Okay guys I think the next broerrrs vlog subject is getting drafted as we speak...” Moyo grinned, and the boys all laughed together. Not that they would go that far though. Putting their awkward yoga moves or make up application on the internet was fun enough, but they should draw the line at body modification without the help of professionals.

“But enough about that. Speaking of Thursday...” Robbe then said, looking at Moyo. “How was the dance workshop? Did you meet any new people?”

“Oh yeah,that Laura chick!” Aaron remembered. “Did you guys hook up?

Moyo blinked a few times and then shook his head. “Eh no. No we didn’t hook up. They’re actually participating in a dance competition. Like a danceoff. And they asked me to join their team, because they need a certain amount of members and...” as Moyo pulled up his jacket. “Laura thought good dancers were scarce, until she came across my profile. And your boy left an impression.” he grinned. 

“So you’re joining their team? Are there any cool people” Jens asked.

“A few, a few.” Moyo nodded, then padding Jens’ shoulder. “But don’t worry, you guys will always stay my broers.”

The second bell then rang, and Robbe cursed. “Well, no calculator then.” he said, throwing his arms up. “Thanks boys.”

“Take mine.” Moyo said, reaching in his backpack. He was pretty well aware that Mrs. Lampaerts had no sympathy for people showing up without one. “I need it back by fifth period so you can return it at lunch.”

“Awesome.” Robbe nodded, before he started walking towards the building on the other end of the school yard. Jens joined him, and Moyo and Aaron turned and headed for the other building for their Dutch class.

“So did you also get yelled at this morning because your mom saw your grades from February or am I the only one who’s that lucky?” Aaron grinned. 

Moyo looked aside and frowned. “I thought you only failed French.”

“Yeah but I got 50.3 and 53 on physics and math so that’s not exactly brilliant...” Aaron explained. He sighed deeply as they ascended the stairs. “I don’t know, man. Having a girlfriend now is kind of distracting, you know. You have to like, make enough time. And Amber is amazing and all but it was really hard not to make her feel like I was ignoring her while we were out on vacation...”

Moyo hummed along, pulling out his phone and swiping back to the event invite. 

“You have to balance school with family and your girl and like.... You have to make sacrifices somewhere cause nobody has that many hours in a day.” Aaron continued. “I mean, you probably think I’m overreacting but...”

“No I kinda get it.” Moyo said, looking up from his phone to nod at his friend and then looking down, pressing the maybe button. He understood more than you’d think. 


	97. Tuesday - 03/03/2020 - 12.34

“Is this Oslo?” Amber asked, while showing Zoë a picture of a building that seemed to show up several times when she typed in the name of the Norwegian capital. The girls all looked at Amber, who had just cut Zoë off mid-sentence. Zoë nodded, smiling. “That’ the opera house. It's really beautiful but in wintertime you can’t really go up there.”

“Why not?” Yasmina asked. 

“Well it’s like, sloped. And with the ice layer, it’s impossible to get a grip. I mean there’s stairs and a railing, but even that’s pretty dangerous cause you’re just walking on frozen concrete...” Zoë explained. She was speaking from her own personal experience on this one. Walking up the opera house when it was covered in ice was pretty much asking for a broken leg.

“I think I wanna take a citytrip to Oslo with Aaron...” Amber sighed with a blissful smile on her face. 

“Yeah but let Zoë finish talking about her trip from last week though.” Luca said, before nodding at Zoë to continue fueling her intrigue. All she had seen of Norway was some actors from the tv show Vikings, and she knew that the actor who portrayed Tormund in Game of Thrones was Norwegian, so in conclusion the men there weren’t wimps. Which meant her interest was sparked.

“Well, I don’t know what more there is to tell. Like I said, on Tuesday I went to see the building we lived in before. And it was kind of weird being back there, but also nice. And my parents new place is way smaller, so I slept on the couch because there’s only one bedroom for them, so....” Zoë shrugged. 

There wasn’t much more to say about the bare minimum effort her parents had put into accommodating her. And sure enough, she had announced it pretty late and her parents were busy at work. But she still felt like the trip was only half worth it. But she kept reminding herself that she was fortunate enough to see and touch actual real snow this year, which apparently she wouldn’t have had if she had stayed in Antwerp...

“Eh guys... have you guys read the news from Italy? It’s getting pretty bad over there, look.” Jana said, showing her phone to the girls. In the video, where an Italian man kept flipping the obituary pages in the local newspaper, 8 in total, compared to the half page form a while ago. 

“Shit...” Luca said. “Italy sure is a lot closer than China...”

“I’ve read one of the Vlaams Belang politicians already wants to close the borders. Such opportunists...” Yasmina sighed. 

“But shouldn’t we though?” Amber frowned. “I mean... a lot of people went skiing up in the Alpen during Krokusvacation. What if the virus got spread in those ski resorts?” Amber spoke, her voice laced with more panic with each word. She quickly scrambled for her phone, and texted Aaron. 

AMBER: [Is anyone in your family sick? Cause apparently that virus from China is seriously spreading and it’s all over Italy now.]

AARON: [My dad said we weren’t in a region where the virus is active...]

“Okay Aaron is safe.” Amber smiled looking back at the girls. 

“Just because you don’t have symptoms doesn’t mean you don’t have the virus though.” Zoë frowned. “Has he been tested?”

“No but if he’s not sick then there isn’t a problem though, right?”

“Maybe not for him, or for you. But at risk patients like the elderly can get the virus when they’re in contact with you and then they might get seriously sick.” Yasmina explained. 

“Or die.” Luca added, and when they all looked at her, she shook her head. “What? No need to hide the fact that this virus is lethal. I for one am not visiting my grandma on Sundays anymore.”

“So then, what do we do?” Amber frowned, looking down at her hands and trying not to start peeling off her nail polish. But it was kinda already too late for that. 

“Avoiding places where there’s lots of people in a small space.” Zoë said, then turning to Jana. ”I don’t think our concert next week is gonna happen, to be honest.”

“Oh no! I was looking forward to seeing Oh Wonder!” Jana pouted. “They better not cancel Dour this summer though...”

“I think we just need to listen to the medical professionals and follow their advice. If they recommend no concerts or events anymore, then that’s probably for everyone’s wellbeing. And people who have been in areas where the virus is active should probably self-isolate.” Yasmina said. 

She had read several articles about the measures that were being taken in the countries most affected, and with a population density like Belgium’s, it wouldn’t be long until they would announce specific measures here too. She decided not to mention this to the girls though, because she knew it would be hard to convince them of the necessity of it instead of making it about their inconvenience with cancelled concerts.

“Didn’t Jens go skiing too? Did he go to Italy?” Luca asked. 

“No, eh... Tirol, Austria I believe. I don’t know the exact name of the place. And for the record, I don’t keep tabs on him like that anymore.” Jana shrugged. 

“I’m going to find Aaron and figure out where he went.” Amber announced, getting up from the benches they had gathered after eating lunch. As she walked away she could feel the girls looking at her, which she tried to ignore. They probably thought it was weird, but all she wanted was to make sure that Aaron wasn’t sick. 

“Hey, eh... where are you? Are you having lunch outside?” Amber asked as soon as Aaron picked up. 

“Hi babe. Eh, right now is not the best time. But… yeah me and the boys are at Driekoningen...” Aaron spoke. 

Amber could hear the boys laughing in the background, “Aaron, the whole thing with the virus is really serious according to Yasmina. She says you can have symptoms with... no the other way around, you can have the virus without having symptoms.”

“Amber, I already texted you... My family weren’t in an affected region. And like I just said, it’s not the best time either. We’ll meet up at Dutch class, okay? I love you. Bye.”

Amber frowned and stared at her phone when the call got disconnected, and she stared down at it for a few moments. She then took in her surroundings, and realized she was on the second floor. With a sigh she walked over to the window, and looked down at the schoolyard. She saw the girls and smiled, but then frowned when she couldn’t see Luca with them.

“Ah, found you.” Luca then spoke behind her, and Amber saw her walking up the stairs. 

“Luca, seriously. You almost gave me a heart attack.” Amber spoke, her hand resting on her chest. 

“Oh. Well that wouldn’t be so great if you already have the coronavirus as well...” Luca grinned. But when she saw Amber look at her with a confused look, she tilted her head. “Well, if Aaron does, then so do you. Because you guys have kissed and stuff.” Luca explained. 

“Luca. We don’t know if Aaron has that virus.” Amber said, her voice breaking while she did. She released a shaky breath, and looked out of the window again. All of those people. Everyone gathered in the classrooms... 

“Hey, hey...” Luca said, taking a few steps closer and opening her arms, welcoming Amber into a hug. When she protested, Luca shook her head and insisted, hugging her friend. “Relax, Amber.”

“No the... the virus... it’s -” Amber uttered in protest.

“Ssshhhht Amber. We hugged this morning. Nothing has changed since, okay? You’ll be fine. Like you said, we don’t know if anyone has it.” Luca spoke over her friend’s shoulders. She could tell Amber was still protesting the hug, and waited until Amber stilled, before she let go of her again. “Hey, look at me. If it wasn’t safe we wouldn’t be at school right now, okay? Once they close the schools we can think about that, but for now we’re okay.”

“Yeah.... Okay.” Amber nodded, sniffing her nose. There were tears drying on her cheek, and she knew she looked like a mess. “I’m going to the bathrooms.” Amber spoke, but Luca was right behind her as they walked into the second floor bathrooms, and Amber gazed into the mirror. She looked aside when she heard the water running, and watched Luca wash her hands in an uncommon way. “What are you doing?”

“Surgical handwashing. I’ve watched all seasons of Grey’s anatomy. This is how they do it. Most people forget their thumb, and the tops of their hands. Look, like this.” Luca said, as she demonstrated the different steps. “Palms, back of the hands, in between your fingers, then you grip like this. Then you do your thumb. And then you make a little bundle and you go like this on the inside of your hand. Your fingernails and stuff. And you have to do this entire thing for like, 30 seconds.“

Amber mimicked as Luca illustrated, and then grabbed a paper tissue from the dispenser. And for some reason she noticed how her shoulders had dropped from way up high in a tense position, and she looked over at Luca, who was smiling. 

“See, that’s better isn’t it?” she grinned. “Now, where is that boyfriend of yours.”

“Out with the boys.” Amber sighed dramatically. 

“Men.” Luca said, rolling her eyes. “Kind of worthless when you need to retrace their steps in Europe’s most affected coronavirus country.”

“Not helping, Luca.” Amber groaned. 

“Right, sorry.” Luca said as they left the bathrooms and headed towards their Dutch classroom. 


	98. Wednesday - 04/03/2020 - 12.11

Jana  tapped her  fingers on her leg  outside of  the school,  indecisiveness growing as  she considered to spend the afternoon going to the movies , or  spend the last  afternoon with her mom  before she would be leaving on  another trip.

In  the past Jana had  always tried to spend time  with her mom  before a trip  if possible . The  only thing that Jana  allowed herself to prioritize over her mom was hanging out with her friends, or  with Jens back  when they were dating. The  latter was  now no  longer an option,  and the girls  all had  other plans for the afternoon .  So whatever Jana  came up  with as  an excuse ,  it woud  be a  lie . 

And she would be mostly lying to herself .  Because a  little voice in her  head kept  reminding herself that she deserved an afternoon off,  and that she should find something fun to do  by herself . As  if the main reason why she didn’t want  to go home  wasn’t the giant elephant in  the room  called ‘New York’.

Jana  grabbed her  phone and bit her lip as  she texted her mom.

JANA: [I  won’t be home  this afternoon .  I’ll be back at 6.30  for dinner .] 

She quickly pressed send before the rebel in her  decided not to ,  although she wasn’t entirely sure if it was  the right  thing .  Maybe her mom  could use a  confrontation to show Jana had a life  too that she couldn’t just uproot and move  to another country.  Perhaps she should stay out  longer than juts a few  hours ,  to really drive  the point home.

But  she had  decided ,  though ,  that she wasn’t gonna go home  to sit in  the living room in  awkward silence . Her mom had been on plenty of trips.  And even  with going to Bern, her mom had  assured her  this trip was safe.

“Are  you watching the grass grow ?” A  voice then asked behind her,  and it was a  familiar one . The  one she had  thought wouldn’t be an option  just a moment ago. 

“Jens...” Jana  spoke as  she spun on her  heels , a  frown manifesting unwantedly .  Why was he  talking to her? After  she had  essentially ignored him for the last  two weeks.  Surely he was a 17  year old boy, but even  to him the signals must  be clear enough that Jana’s  lack of response  to his  texts meant she didn’t want  to spend time  with him .

Except right  now , as  she stood by the school  entrance deciding what to do, Jens was  the perfect  sollution .  Because deep down,  between all those layers of  confusion ,  she knew that Jens  would be able to take her mind off of  the New York stuff  if she’d let  him .

“ You seem like  you could use a talk.”

“ That’s ... eh,  that’s sweet to offer.”  She looked down at her  phone ,  hoping it would ring  and give her a  good enough excuse .  Then she looked around , but  the school  bell had  already rang  fifteen minutes  ago and most  people had  cleared out as  soon as  possible because nobody wanted to stay at school  longer than absolutely necessary right? “I... Eh...” 

Jana  pursed her  lips when it became clear to both of them that she was looking for an excuse, and failed to find one.

“Look, Jana. I  don’t know if what Zoë  told me is  because you asked her  to or  not .” He had  considered both options,  and they were equally likely . “But  when she told me  that there’s a  reason for this whole distance between us ,  that messed me up a bit.”

He  sighed ,  and looked away for a moment. “I  thought about it.  If it wouldn’t be easier...  to just simplify everything . This  whole history between us .  And since the beach trip  we’ve all been close.”

Perhaps too close, as his  cousins had  remarked at his  birthday party.  And yes,  perhaps having two exes as part of  your friend group might be two more  than most  people would have. But  that was  exactly the point.  They didn’t have  the same experience that most  people had  with their ex. It  wasn‘t vengeful of  malicious .  They never  blocked each other on  social media or spread  rumors about one another .  And that was  because first  and foremost they were still friends . 

He  hated the way Jana had  decided that the verb was now past tense.

“ And ...  it’s reminded me  that our base level is  friends .” Jens  said ,  looking back at Jana. ” And we  shouldn’t be more  than that , but we  should be at  least that .”

Jana  looked at  him ,  and she closed her  eyes for a moment.  Then , a  smile appeared on her face. “You came up with that entire speech yourself Stoffels?”

And perhaps it was a bit of a speech,  unintentionally . But he was  also just saying what he  wanted to say  for a  while now. Putting his foot down. Fighting for their friendship. “No, actually Robbe helped.” Jens smiled. “He... he had me realize that friendships from  childhood aren’t doomed to fail just because we’re growing up.”

“ Growing up...  We’re only 17, Jens...” Jana  smiled .  Then she started walking ,  and Jens  followed along .  Damn it.

“Yeah,  and that’s almost the legal voting age . We  can already get  shitfaced on beer but we  can’t drive  yet .  You’ve been  staying home  alone for days on end  since before we  started dating. My mom  now somehow assumes I  know how to use an electric drill just because my dad isn’t living  with us anymore .  We’re being given the responsiblities of  adults in  many ways ...” Jens  said ,  then looking aside . “Jana, a lot has  changed the last  year . A lot is  changing right  now . I  mean ,  the news ... It’s  weird hearing  about all that stuff  going on.”

“ And the planet is  dying .  Don’t forget about the planet, Jens.” Jana joked. 

“Right.  Exactly .  So with all that shit  going on... Do  you really think that friendships grow on trees?” he  said . He  could tell Jana  didn’t appreciate him bringing the subject back  to where it started .  Them .  And the fact that Jana  didn’t want  to be friends anymore for some god  forsaken ‘ growing up’ reason.

“Look, I get it.  You want  to meet new  people .  Hook up  with that William  guy .  Whatever , I  don’t care.  This isn’t about you being my ex.  This is  about you being my friend .  And I want  us to stay that way.” Jens  said . His  phone then beeped with the notification that he had  to take his sister  to swimming class in half  an hour . 

Jens  cursed ,  concluding sooner than he  thought that the new  schedule his mom had  figured out  would put  him in a  difficult position with his friends.

“It’s okay,  you shoud go.” Jana  said , as  she recognized the layout of  an alarm on  the screen.  Whatever he was  just reminded of,  it was most  likely more important  than the existence of  their friendship . Jana  started walking again from where they had  stopped so Jens  could grab his  phone . 

“Jana,  wait ,  one mom -” but Jana had  already walked around the corner of  the street while Jens had been  texting his mom he  would be home  soon . He  then looked around to get his  bearings ,  and he  considered biking after her  to make her  give him an answer , but he  realized that wasn’t the way he  wanted to do  things .  Nothing he  said could convince her  if she didn’t want  to be convinced .

So he  leaned over his steering  wheel ,  mumbling a  sarcastic ‘ good job’  to himself ,  before he  pulled himself together . He  got on his bike,  and looked once more in  the direction Jana went.  And he  didn’t know if he was  able to get  through to her. But at  least he was  able to say  what was on his mind,  and that was  some sort of comforting.


	99. Thursday - 05/03/2020 - 13.31

A couch. A bookcase with a few books, dvds, some records and his recordplayer. Three pictureframes. Him, Luka, Max and Gill. Him, his mom and his dad on the beach. And the final one that was empty, the black frame contrasting with the cork background. A coffeetable with some weights on it. A tv on the wall. A bed, a nightstand and thank god for built in warderobes. Towels, pots and pans, a new microwave and a water boiler. Plates that he bought yesterday. The rug he had delivered this morning after Gill told him the place looked ‘cold’. 

He listened to Gill when it came to interior decorating. He did not listen to her when she told him she could hook him up with one of her sister’s friends. He reminded her 5 times that he had a girlfriend, before he finally had enough and walked away from the conversation.

It was Gill that had sent him the link of people singing on their balconies in Italy, and saying she missed him as her karaoke partner. And that’s what had made Senne look up at his bare bones apartment, that he had furnished with the necessary things but in many ways it wasn’t a home. It wasn’t a place he would want to be alone in for a considerate amount of time, like the people elsewhere in the world seemed to be. Isolation. Quarantaine. Lockdown. The words were flying around their ears these days, and nobody really knew what to think of it. 

All he knew was that things were getting serious. And if measures had to be taken, he would follow them. But for now the gym was still open, so Senne grabbed his bag and got out the door, squeezing in a workout before his 1PM lecture.

Twenty minutes later Senne swung the sportsbag over his shoulder as he waited by the red light. He checked his watch, and let out a small chuckle when he saw the amount of exercise he had already done just by walking over to the park. He would be able to finish his work out ten minutes earlier. Which would save him some time, because coming all the way from his new apartment to work out at his previous gym was a bit of a hassle. 

Then again, it would be easily resolved if he just switched gyms. But that concept seemed totally unlikely for some reason. Every time he had thought about it, considered it even for a moment, his internal voice had told him the idea was stupid. The equipment was good at this gym. He liked the vibe. And he chose to move out of Gill’s himself, so now he just had to accept the consequences of living further away from the gym. And from the flatshare right down the street from it. 

Senne blinked, realizing the light jumped to green and he chose the path through the park instead of arround it. Or more so, he allowed himself to. And he knew why he hadn’t done so before. Just a few steps in, the sense of nostalgia already washed over him. The bench they sat on on that walk where Zoë twisted her ankle. The stupid hole in the path that had caused that. The pavilion where they waited out a rainstorm last fall.

That’s when he heard it. A familiar laugh, that stopped him in his tracks.

He turned his head in the direction of the Provinciehuis, and then he released his breath. Across the grass field, by the tram stop, Zoë and Milan were laughing loudly. Their backs were turned towards him, but Zoë was shaking her head – probably rejecting one of Milan’s ridiculous propositions – and the red lipstick framed her lips in a smile.

Senne looked down, a sudden urge to clamp his empty hand. The hand that would be holding hers.

He took a deep breath and shook his head. No. No, he was not going to fall into this rabit hole of ‘what ifs’ and thinking of lost time. They were over. And he had someone else in his life now. Someone who he could start building something with. In present tense. Someone who he could be happy with, potentially. At this point it was still too new to have that figured out. But he wanted that. 

He wanted to be able to smile and laugh without wondering about the past. Moved on. Happy. But the ache in his chest to seeing her, indicated that he wasn’t entirely there yet.

What pained the most, perhaps, was that it wasn’t even seeing her with another guy. It wasn’t the fact that he was being replaced that was sticking out like a thorn. It was the fact that there was no void to fill. While he was still getting used to waking up in an empty bed every day, thought about her at least twice in the 24 hours that followed daily.... It seemed like she hadn’t given him another thought in months.

Senne had always known Zoë didn’t need a guy. She wasn’t one of the girls who had been running after him since 3rd year, and that had been exactly the thing that had drawn him to her. 

As a 16 year old boy, he had told himself he’d only comitt to someone if their relationship wouldn’t start of from a one-sided longing from the girls’ end. He didn’t need people who wanted him for his connections, or his looks, or simply who they thought he was. 

He would want them starting on an equal base. Neither knowing the other. And discovering things as they went. And hoping that him being himself, coated with part of the usual charm and flair, was enough to make her want to stay. 

But even years ago he was already known as Viktor’s little brother. He already had people offering their kidneys for a kiss. He had already known back then that the part of him that wanted a relationship would be dormant for a while. 

But then came Zoë. And she awoke that part of him. She allowed him to swipe her off her feet, and Senne had been trying to let himself be that person in more and more situations. Allowing people to meet the real him, in the hopes that they could start off on equal footing. 

He had most of that fresh start he desired when he got to the University. Where he was able to open doors to a certain extent, but not every single girl had heard about him or his track record. If she did, Senne made it clear from the start that he had actually just been dumped by the one girl strong enough to choose herself over him. 

And that got him some pity sex occasionally. But mostly it got the girls who did know his reputation to realize that he too was just a guy. 

Meeting Nina was different in that aspect. There was no precedent. No previously on. She approached him, but had no idea who he was. And that was just who she was. She was strong, but she didn’t have internal morals telling her she didn’t need a man. Senne didn’t have to wiggle himself through a maze of close but not too close, far but not too far. 

And maybe that was exactly the change he needed. The circumstances or surroundings were different this time around. And he really did like Nina. 

As if on cue, Senne’s phone beeped and he smiled when he got the text from her.

NINA: [Party @ Sous-sol tonight. Wanna meet my friends?]

Senne looked up, and saw a tram take off, an the empty platform. He sighed deeply and continued wakling, typing on his phone. 

SENNE: [Gladly.]


	100. Friday - 06/03/2020 - 18.24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the 100th chapter extravaganza!
> 
> Quick note before the chapter: it's exactly 10K words which means it'll be rougly 5 times the average reading time of the previous chapters. Just so you're warned. But in those 10K words are plenty of references to the past 99 chapters of this fic, as well as the story we've seen in Wtfock over the last 3 seasons so if you're a fan of the character's developments you're in for a fun ride with this chapter.
> 
> Thank you so so so much for the continuous support for this fic, and let me know in the comments what you think! Enjoy!

" _Liefje_...” Milan smiled as he looked to Jonathan, and back to taking in the view in front of him that had just been revealed once Jonathan removed his hands. There was a beautiful sunset, dissappearing behind the horizon across the river and there was an amazing view of the rest of the city, bathing in a soft glow. The days were already getting longer, with the sun currently setting at 6.30 which made this the perfect ending of their date-day.

“I figured I should close with a grand gesture. Did I nail it?” Jonathan beamed, his head tilted in the most adorable way, expecting praise from his boyfriend. How could Milan not indulge him. 

“Yes, you certainly did.” Milan nodded, before he pulled him in for a sweet kiss. And one more, for good measure, because god these lips were divine and Milan could kiss them all day long. And with the foresight of spending the whole day together, he had even brought chapstick. 

“I’m glad you enjoyed today.” Jonathan smiled once they broke apart, and he leaned in closer to Milan, before biting his lip. “And I promise that was the last time I dragged you into the reptile section of the zoo.”

“Oh my god Jonathan, don’t get me started. See, I have goosbumps again.” Milan said, quickly breaking their embrace to show his boyfriend the actual goosbumps that were caused by the reminder of the absolute terror he felt a few hours ago. 

Though in Jonathan’s defence, he didn’t know that Milan hated reptiles. They had strolled through the Antwerp zoo looking at all sorts of cute animals, the panda’s, the giraffe’s. They had made jokes on which one of the primates looked most like people they knew. Milan had called the tiny clingy baby monkey Robbe, and had then proceeded to explain to Jonathan how he ended up becoming somewhat of a gay guru to the teenage boy. 

Milan had mentioned he looked forward to their double date later tonight, and Jonathan had gotten them waffles to tie them over until they’d be able to eat as they walked down the Lange Nieuwstraat and St Katelijnevest towards the north of the city, where they would be meeting the boys. And Milan should have known Jonathan had something up his sleeve when he kept checking his phone as they were walking towards Eilandje, and now that he took in the view in front of him he knew what that was all about. 

“Did you also research what time the sun was setting today or is that a happy coincidence.” Milan asked as they stood on top of the MAS museum building, which provided the best panoramic view of the city. 

“Well, we got here at 18.18 and I noticed the sun was already setting so I may have hurried you up here a little bit...” Jonathan admitted. 

Milan smiled fondly and then took another look at the view, leaning on the railing with a happy sigh. “This really is something out of the movies, isn’t it?” he smiled, feeling his boyfriend’s hand on his waist. 

“Well I told you, I can be pretty romantic.” Jonathan spoke softly. “Especially for you.” Jonathan added, before placing a kiss to Milan’s jaw. It was absolutely meant as a distraction, as he felt like he was competing with the view for his boyfriend’s attention and if he had known Milan would be so mesmerized by it he might have chosen a different place. But at the same time watching the wonder in Milan’s eyes was something mesmerizing.

“Milan, I think I love you.” he blurted out. Not because he knew it would be effective to get the boy to look at him, but because he felt this sudden confirmation that this was right. That they were good together, and that the feelings he felt had been growing these last few weeks. 

“What did you just say?” Milan blinked, now not even remotely interested in the view as he stared at his boyfriend with his jaw dropped.

“I do. I... I love you.” Jonathan nodded, smiling, as he grew familiar with saying the words out loud. They had been on his lips before. He’d wanted to whisper them into Milan’s ear as they fell asleep together, as he came during sex, as he would watch him down the hall, confused by the way the art rooms on campus were numbered but with a high likelyhood looking for him. He had wanted to say it all those times, but now it felt right. 

“Are you serious?” Milan asked, leaning back for a moment. Perhaps he was protecting his heart from the possibility that this was a practical joke. Because despite them talking about being exclusive and having this whole date day planned, Milan knew that part of him was prepared for it all to be over in a minute. 

“Yes, silly.” Jonathan said, pulling Milan close again by his arm, leaning their foreheads together. “I’m serious. I’m sorry I didn’t give you that impression enough before. But my feelings for you... Just to make it clear without any doubt... I love you. I’m... I’m in love with you, for as far as I know what that feels like. But I think this is it.” Jonathan shrugged adorably. 

“I love you too.” Milan said, his face dropping from a smile to a very serious expression as he felt his mind push the words out. And he realized the words didn’t have to travel far. That they have always been right on the forefront of his mind whenever they would spend time together. “Oh my god, look at us being all romantic and sappy like this...” Milan grinned. 

Jonathan just looked back at him with an endearing look, and then chuckled a bit. “How about we go meet up for our double date then?” he suggested, and Milan smiled, nodding. 

They intertwined their fingers and Milan took a final look over his shoulder, before he realized this moment needed to be captured. “Wait.” he said, pulling Jonathan back. He then grabbed his phone, and he looked at his boyfriend who somewhat reluctantly nodded, and Milan snapped a picture of them with the orange, pink and purple tones of the sunset in the background.

“Happy now?” Jonathan asked, and Milan beamed before giving him a sweet kiss and they moved back inside, walking back down from the rooftop of the building and then walking along the waterside further up north. 

Robbe giggled as his shoulders hit the wall and Sander’s arms bracketed him in. He breathed in through his nose when Sander captured his lips in his. It started off gently, soft and delicate, their breaths mixing together, before Sander shifted a bit closer. It erased the final bit of space between them that would be socially acceptable, and threw them into making-out-against-a-brick-wall territory fully now, but neither of them was complaining. The thing was that this was their spot, and Robbe had his very face on the wall behind him to prove it. 

When Sander had suggested meeting up there, Robbe had rolled his eyes and just veto’d with a strong ‘no’. However that was Tuesday, and in the days that followed Robbe kept taking a small pause whenever he opened up his computer, watching the wallpaper. And even in those few seconds before he opened Discord and his internet browser, he couldn’t help but think about the night Sander felt inspired enough to paint his face on a wall. 

Compared to Sander, Robbe was almost a coward for how he chose to declare how he felt. He chose to whisper the words as they were falling asleep, they were the heart emoji’s in their texts, and as of late Robbe had been able to write a flirty reply to one of Sander’s instaposts wihout the thoughts in his head about who might read it. But a fucking mural of his boyfriend? Yeah no, that was a level of extra Robbe didn’t aspire nor desired to reach.

He had concluded however that perhaps he could allow Sander to gloat about his. And Sander specifically seemed to want to show it off to Jonathan, as a fellow artist. So last night Robbe had finally texted his agreement. 

ROBBE: [I’ve changed my mind.]

SANDER: [About...?]

ROBBE: [The meet up spot. Your mural.]

SANDER: [It’s your mural baby...]

ROBBE: [Sure. Fine. But I’m texting Milan to meet us there at 7 then, okay?]

SANDER: [YES!]

SANDER: [You won’t regret it ♥]

ROBBE: [I’m counting on that...]

SANDER: [You love being my muze though, don’t you try to deny it.]

ROBBE: [Of course, up until now the rewards have been worth it 😉]

SANDER: [Have I told you I’m proud of you recently...]

ROBBE: [You sound a lot like my mom, because I actually did some laundry on wednesday....]

SANDER: [Did you FINALLY clean your bedsheets?]

ROBBE: [I did.]

SANDER: [Thank Bowie.]

ROBBE: [But... thanks.]

SANDER: [You’re welcome baby.]

ROBBE: [I love you ♥]

SANDER: [To the moon and back ♥]

So here they were, their lips touching eagerly, not giving two fucks about who saw them. Sander imagined them from an outside point of view and in response deepened the kiss. He took what Robbe offered when he opened his mouth a bit, and licked into it. Kissing with tongue had taken the longest for Robbe to allow them to do in public, and Sander marvelled at how far they had come. Still, he was very much aware of how this was pushing some limits, and he could almost feel the way Robbe’s heart was beating in his chest.

“You okay?” Sander asked, before he went to worship Robbe’s jaw and neck in small, more innocent kisses. 

“Yes, don’t you dare stop.” Robbe spoke, as he demanded Sander’s lips back on his. He breathed hard, gripping harder on Sander’s skin he was reaching underneath his leather jacket. Sander chuckled and leaned back in to give his boyfriend what he wanted, a people pleaser if nothing else. 

He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, their bodies flush together. He knew that they could ditch the food and the company and just hold each other here, in this special place, and it would be enough. He also knew that judging by Robbe’s movements, he wouldn’t object to that. But when Robbe let out a moan, Sander knew he would have to be the one to pull them back, and he paused the kiss, lips panting against Robbe’s. 

“Baby, we’re meeting up with Milan and Jonathan, remember.” Sander reminded him, reluctantly taking a step backwards, and at the same time admiring the way the light captured Robbe’s face. If it wasn’t for the fact that they were standing at the mural he already painted for him, he would start another one based on this look. Which was the most carefree look Sander had seen under the many layers of Robbe in the last three months they had been together. “You can’t keep being so damn hot.”

Robbe groaned, and he allowed his chest to rise and fall and catch his breath again. And once he did, he opened his eyes and looked at Sander with a glare, before pointing his index finger up. “Then you shouldn’t have brought me to this place.” Robbe replied, before reaching for the strings of Sander’s hoodie, now pouting a bit. “I mean how do you expect me to not get turned on? We’re making out against a wall with this giant display of your love for me on it.” Robbe spoke. He looked at Sander with a challenging look and a small pout at the same time, and it reminded Sander that Robbe knew exactly what he was doing... 

“Robbe...” Sander said, his right arm now leaning against the wall as he teasingly leaned in close. “They could be here any minute.”

And okay, yes, he had a point, Robbe thought. Perhaps it was best if they didn’t get caught in the middle of something, if only to avoid Milan’s endless teasing. They both simultaneously turned their heads when two voices approached around the corner of the building, and Sander looked at Robbe with a raised eyebrow that clearly meant to say ‘I told you’.

“Hey! Here you guys are... I swear, google maps really doesn’t show this area very well.” Milan said, pointing at his phone and then looking up at Robbe and Sander. “Oh, well, look at that. Did we interrupt a moment or something boys?” Milan grinned.

“What?” Robbe frowned, then looking back at Sander. “Eh... no. Nothing to interrupt.” Robbe denied.

“I think he just means that you kinda look a bit flustered.” Sander said, as he slipped a hand into Robbe’s back pocket, which didn’t help the blush on Robbe’s cheek. 

“Okay but I would be too if my boyfriend painted me this.” Jonathan spoke, taking a few steps backwards in order to admire the mural in its full glory. 

“See, other artists appreciate it. It’s art.” Sander murmured in his boyfriend’s ear, before he felt a small shiver and he looked at him in concern. “Cold?”

“The wind isn’t exactly warm.” Robbe explained, zipping his coat closed and leaning into the embrace Sander offered.

“Yes, Sander, I think even I can say that this is probably the most extra thing I’ve seen anyone do to get back with their significant other.” Milan smiled. “And that includes that one time Senne made Zoë a whole breakfast buffet.”

“You hear that? You beat Senne in extraness.” Robbe smiled from where his head was resting on Sander’s shoulder. 

“I’m actually confused about that.” Jonathan then cut in, turning to Milan. “Do we actually like Senne or not? Because you talk about him all the time but then you say he’s Zoë’s ex...”

“Oh, that’s a long story. Allow me to explain.” Sander chuckled, and he looked at Robbe for a moment before letting go of him and walking over to where Milan and Jonathan were, and the three of them started walking while Sander gave his somewhat neutral perspective to the whole Zoe/Senne thing in an effort to make Jonathan understand just how that specific high school drama unfolded itself last fall.

And as the other boys took off, Robbe grabbed his bike from where it was leaning against the barrels and he walked a few meters with his bike in hand. He then took one more glance at the wall, smiling a little as he said goodbye to mural Robbe. Who was in many ways so much younger and broken than how he felt now. Now he was loved, and knew what love was, and he had people around him who cared about him. And just for that sake, he felt like he would be okay if one day the mural would be gone. Because he saw that look of adoration in Sander’s eyes every time they saw each other, he didn’t need a mural of his art to remind him of that. 

“ _Komt ge nog_?” Sander asked as he looked behind him, Milan and Jonathan walking a bit further ahead. 

“Yes, yes.” Robbe said, and he pushed on the pedals, catching up with Sander in a dozen kicks. “Do you want a ride?” 

“Maybe later tonight.” Sander smirked, and Robbe scoffed, checking to see if nobody was around to hear him. 

“You’re unbelievable, Sander Driesen.” Robbe said before he sped up and caught up with Milan and Jonathan up ahead.

Sander laughed as he watched Robbe bike away, and he threw his hands in the air. “I made a fucking mural of your face, Ijzermans. You can’t ditch me.” Sander shouted. He then saw the other people walking by and he saw them look back at the mural and he cursed to himself, quickly putting one foot in front of the other in a sprint to catch up with the others. “Fuck, fuck fuck. Those people totally just totally heard me.”

Robbe rolled his eyes and looked at Milan and Jonathan. “See what I have to deal with?”

“Sorry baby, next double date I’ll try not to make out with you against the mural with your face on it so people can’t discover I was the one who painted it.” Sander grinned. “Though if you really need me, the restaurant bathrooms probably...”

“Ugh, Sander seriously. I’m not having sex in a restaurant bathroom...” Robbe laughed, 

“Actually, maybe Robbe has a point. Since my uncle is the owner of this place.” Jonathan cut in.

The four guys all burst into laughter simultaneously, and a few moments later they got to the Greek restaurant. Robbe locked his bike to the bikerack outside, and Sander gave him a joking thumbs up for Robbe’s proper anti-biketheft measures as he waited for Robbe by the front door.

Robbe took in the decor of the restaurant, and as he followed after the others he came to the realization that he hadn’t done this since the dinner with his parents. That he and Sander hadn’t done this, go out to a restaurant. Not just picking up fries and walk down the streets of Antwerp, or meeting up at a coffee bar. But actually properly sitting down together and maintaining that sense of longing for each other over a three course meal.

Suddenly, Robbe couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous, because he wanted this to go well. He wanted to get to know more about Milan’s boyfriend and for this to be a nice date for them. Because part of him still felt like they were catching up from how their first official date ended.

“Eh, Sander, I...” Robbe swallowed as he grabbed a hold of Sander’s hand, stopping him from following Milan and Jonathan to their table a few meters further away. “After this... Can we go to yours?” he asked. Althoug he was asking more than that. He was asking for Sander to furfill some sort or promise. That they would get to Sander’s place safely, and that tonight would be a good night for them to remember, without painful flashback intercuts.

Sander frowned, but then took his boyfriend’s second hand and nodded, tilting his head. “Of course. I kind of already figured, since I live closest. But we’re gonna have to store your bike back at mine for the night then. Can you ride a bike with two people on it?” Sander asked. 

“Eh no, I kind of suck at that.” Robbe said, awkwardly scratching his head. 

“Okay, no worries. I can bike both of us home.” Sander said, leaning in to give Robbe a small kiss, but Robbe turned his head and alerted Sander to the amount of people around him, and he ducked his head. 

He just begged Sander understood. And as he looked him in the eyes, Robbe tried to show just how much he would want to kiss him if it wasn’t for a half-crowded restaurant stairing at them as they paused in the middle of it. “Let’s just go sit down.” Robbe spoke, softly. 

Sander sighed and nodded, before he turned around and walked up to the table. He pulled out Robbe’s seat, with a playful smile and once they were both seated, Robbe put his hand on Sander’s resting on the table.

“What was going on?” Milan asked, and Robbe looked up at his friend, smiling. 

“Just... checking to see if we could go to Sander’s place tonight. Berchem would be a bit too far.” Robbe replied. Then he glanced over to Sander, who gave him a small nod and handed his boyfriend the menu.

“You have a room, near campus?” Jonathan asked, and Sander shook his head. Though he understood why he asked, as he was probably one of the rare few who studied arts and was able to still live at home. Most arts students either came from the countryside and were living in Antwerp to save on travel expenses, or they didn’t receive the support from their home environment and therefore had to move into dorms in order to claim their dreams.

“No eh... Still live with my parents. St Andries. My dad supports the arts a lot, so they allowed me to try the first year and see how it turns out.”

Jonathan hummed and already put down the menu, his familiarity with the food already obvious. “That’s a privilege to have.” Jonathan smiled.

Sander looked up, nodding. He knew he had nothing to complain about when it came to his home life. His academics on the other hand... “You’re.... third year, right? Dorms all throughout?” Sander asked. 

“Yes.” Jonathan nodded, lingering on the word. “My family lives in the Kempen, so the commute was a bit too much. But I should graduate in June.”

Diagonally across from Jonathan Robbe choked a bit, and Milan gave him a concerned look. 

“Sorry, just...” Robbe gestured to his throat and then hid his face behind the menu, all the while trying not to make it too obvious. But he should have known that there would be talk of school at this dinner. And while he had gotten over most of the insecurity when it came to dating someone in college, like Sander, just hearing them talk about graduation made him feel like a kid who was accidentally placed at the grown up table. 

“You guys, I don’t know why you have to talk about school on a friday evening though. We’re here, we want to have a fun double date and when I think of fun I don’t think of school.” Milan said, while giving his boyfriend an look. 

“Yes, of course. Sorry, guess we can’t help it.” Jonathan apologized. “But you’re right. Fun mode on, promised.” 

“I mean you did ask me to talk to Jonathan on that party because you knew nothing about arts.” Sander smirked and Jonathan looked back at Milan with a gasp, causing the two on the other side of the table to exchange banter of how Milan was too shy to come and talk to him. 

And when Sander saw they had a moment, he reached out for Robbe, putting his hand on his leg. He mouthed ‘sorry’ and gave Robbe an apoligetic look, and Robbe couldn’t help but smile back, feeling seen in his insecurity. He was glad Sander didn’t brush it off, and he understood it wasn’t the most fun thing for Robbe to be confronted with. 

“How did you guys meet, by the way? I don’t think I have that story yet, although Milan here has been telling me all about the flattshare drama.” Jonathan smiled. 

Robbe looked at Sander, who gave him the ‘floor is all yours’ nod and Robbe smiled. “Eh, a beach trip actually. Sander’s girlfriend at the time, Britt, was invited to the trip by my friends and so we spent the week of fall break at the beach. A bunch of us.”

“Robbe was also dating a girl at the time, but I had my eye on him even before the trip. So when I got a moment alone with him at a supermarket supply run, I tried my best to win him over with my charm.” Sander continued. 

“Which was him doing mime and singing David Bowie.” Robbe teased, and Jonathan laughed. 

“That’s so cute...” Jonathan awed. “But, both dating girls. How did that work out then? I mean... if you’re okay answering... Are you bi, or...?”

Robbe averted his gaze from Sander to look back at Jonathan, and blinked a few times, his brain suddenly losing its ability to process questions. “Eh... I... Eh....”

“I’m pansexual myself.” Sander cut in. “Yeah the relationship with Britt was... Not working. So I broke up with her. And I should’ve made it more clear because after that she kept trying to re-enter my life a few times which made it messy for us.” Sander said, his thumb pointing in between himself and Robbe. He then kept his gaze on his boyfriend, and he could almost hear the wheels turning in Robbe’s head. He wasn’t entirely sure, but he had the idea that Robbe hadn’t been asked that directly before. 

“No, I’m gay.” Robbe then spat out, surprising both Sander and Milan who he was aware were both looking at him with a bit of concern. He gave them both a nod, which then made it obvious to Jonathan that he had asked a sensitive question. 

“Apologies, Robbe. I didn’t... Eh...”

“Like I’ve told you before, Robbe is my little gay in training.” Milan explained. “But he has come really far and I’m really proud of him.” Milan said, every word spoken with an obvious sense of pride.

“Good evening everyone. Ready to order?” one of the waitors then asked as they arrived at the table, and everyone dove back into the menu to make their choice.

“Thanks Kiana. Yes, I think we’re ready, right boys?” Jonathan asked. 

They all laughed when Milan ordered the garlic scampi, warning Jonathan that his breath would smell the entire evening but it had been Jonathan’s own recommendation so he couldn’t be complain. Both Milan and Sander continued on a fish theme for their meals, while Jonathan effortlessly pronounced ‘Pljeskavica’ in his order, and Robbe went with tried and trusted lamb, rendering their stomachs happily filled by the end of the evening, to the point where they agreed for each couple to split one desert. 

“No but I also had my hair like, all proper and stuff. You have to imagine it.” Milan explained, brushing his hair neatly to the side, mimicking the hairstyle he wore when Robbe’s dad came by the flatshare apartment before he moved on. 

“No baby, that’s not a good look on you. Back like normal.” Jonathan pouted. 

“You really think that’s what got you to convince Robbe’s dad though?” Sander asked. “Cause I’ve met the man and he was... Well...” Sander said, looking aside to his boyfriend who just spooned chocolate moelleux into his mouth, but his look challenged Sander to finish that sentence. “Well, he’s kind of an ass?” Sander tried. 

“Good choice.” Robbe said as he emptied his mouth, and Sander could still taste the chocolate when Robbe gave him a brief kiss. “What about you, Jonathan? You’d have to go all the way to Utrecht to meet Milan’s family?” Robbe asked. 

“Eh... yeah. Although we haven’t really talked about that yet.” Jonathan spoke, looking at Milan who blinked, coming to the realization himself. 

“Oh yeah, I guess we haven’t.” Milan frowned. 

“Did you meet his parents?” Sander asked, and that caused Jonathan to laugh. “What?”

“I met his sister.” Milan explained. “First night we stayed at his dorm. She shows up in the morning banging on his door as a surprise visit and there I am, in the bed, naked. Let me tell you, not the way you want to meet your boyfriend’s family.” Milan said, rolling his eyes. 

“So yeah we eh... we had a sit-down at my parents house two weekends ago. Just to avoid any future surprises.” Jonathan said, looking at Milan with a grin. “But I would love to meet your family, babe.” 

Milan blushed a bit and chuckled, which for those who knew him could be seen as a bit of nervousness. “Yeah eh... We could definetly talk about that.”

“Anyways eh, I’m going to say hi to my uncle real quick.” Jonathan said as he got up, gently placing his hand on Milan’s shoulder. 

“Oh, can you show me where the restroom is?” Sander asked, also getting up, and then he turned back to the table. “You stay here, right.” he joked while pointing at Robbe. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Robbe laughed with his hands up, and he watched Sander and Jonathan walk off, before he looked at Milan, who was leaning his forehead on his hand and seemed a bit overwhelmed. “Milan?”

Milan snapped his head up and smiled, but Robbe could see right through it so when he shook his head, Milan sighed deeply. “Sorry, I just.... It’s a bit much. I’ve never felt the way I felt about a guy. I’ve never been in a relationship this serious.” Milan explained, before smiling at Robbe. “It seems like that’s the one area in gay relationships that you might actually have more experience in.”

“Well I wouldn’t consider myself an expert, but...”

“But you said Sander has met both your parents.” Milan replied. 

“Yes, he has... But that was mainly because at the time I was due to sit down with my dad, and I brought Sander along for moral support. He and my mom spend time together occasionally.” Robbe shrugged. He thought back to the times he walked in the kitchen in the morning to find them both there. And he didn’t mind. He knew he could stay in bed forever if he’d be allowed to, but he didn’t want that to affect any productivity or sleep schedule from Sander’s end.

“So... wait... Your dad is not chill with Sander then?” Milan guessed, from what he could read through the lines. 

Robbe shrugged, playing with the napkin, refraining from looking at Milan. “I mean, he’s not exactly the biggest fan of me being distracted with a relationship. He doesn’t really have a problem with like... Well, Sander being a guy. He just seems to think he’s a bad influence. He's older, and my dad relies on me to support my mom and...”

Robbe sighed deeply. He then looked at Milan. “My dad doesn’t know about Sander’s mental illness. And I don’t ever plan on telling him either.”

Milan hummed and finished the final piece of his and Jonathan’s shared desert, taking extra care of licking the spoon while he was thinking. “Sounds like my dad is a delight in comparison to that. He is a just a supermarket manager with a desire to ruin his lungs with chainsmoking.” Milan chuckled. He then looked over to Jonathan’s seat, then smiling. “Maybe it wouldn’t be so weird if he met my family...” Milan said. 

“I’d say go for it.” Robbe smiled, mirroring Milan looking sideways at the seat next to him. “All the way or no way.” he added softly, smiling. 

“Alright guys.” Jonathan said as he returned to the table, taking his seat next to Milan. “Sweetheart, what do you say we go and have a good time at Red and Blue? You in?” Jonathan asked, then turning his gaze to Robbe. 

Milan clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. “Jonathan, love, not all of us here can walk into a club.”

Jonathan frowned, turning back to Milan before Robbe was even able to answer. “Yes, they can. It’s allowed from 16 when accompanied by an adult...” Jonathan replied, hanging his arms on Milan’s shoulders.

When Jonathan’s hand trailed over Milan’s chest, and Milan giggled at that, Robbe suddenly felt very present at the table and he tried to look away without making it awkward, but it was in moments like this that the ‘panic panic panic’ voice in his head emerged and all he could see was the potential dangers of such displays, while at the same time yearning for it himself. Why the hell was Sander taking so long? 

“Do you wanna go?” Milan then asked, releasing his lips for Jonathan’s to look at Robbe. 

“Eh...” Robbe frowned. A club. Red and Blue, of all places? He sighed, looking up to see if he could spot Sander returning back to their table. Because he kind of didn’t know what to answer. Yes, for the sake of having been in a club and taking advantage of the fact that everyone else was older so he wouldn’t be treated like a kid. But also no, because he had to see how serious Sander was about his jokes before. “I don’t really think I’m into a club tonight.” Robbe explained. 

“Oh, yeah sure. No problem.” Jonathan said, but Robbe could tell there was some dissappointment in his voice. And he quickly concluded that Milan felt conflicted about it too. Fuck. 

“I mean, I guess if Sander wants to go...”

“If I wanna go where?” Sander asked, approaching their table. 

“Red and Blue.” Milan smiled. 

“That club?” Sander asked. 

When Jonathan and Milan both nodded, Sander looked at Robbe, before shaking his head. “I think I’ll pass. I hear it’s pretty packed, and they’re cancelling concerts and stuff with the virus so I think it’s medically advised not to go to crowded places in general.”

Robbe looked up at that, because he hadn’t even thought of that himself. And Sander seemed pretty decided, so Robbe nodded. “Yeah eh... I think we’re just gonna chill at home.” Robbe said. “But of course if you guys wanna go, you should. Have fun.” 

“We’ll see. But yeah, I mean if you guys feel like going home that’s also cool.” Jonathan spoke. He then made a hand gesture to the person behind the bar. 

A few moments later the bill arrived, Sander taking it swiftly from Jonathan’s hands. 

“It was so nice just hanging out with you guys, and the nice dinner.” Milan beamed. 

“Eh yeah. I also had a good time.” Robbe nodded, before he eyed what Sander was doing with the bill. He then grabbed out his phone and Robbe caught him exchanging a look before Jonathan took the bill from Sander and handed it back to the waitor without it even passing through Milan or Robbe’s hands. 

“What just happened?” Milan frowned, looking at the waitor walking away from their table after wishing them a good night, and then turning to his boyfriend. “Jonathan?”

“It’s all arranged baby. Don’t worry.” Jonathan said, then getting up from his chair and encouraging Milan to do the same. All four of them were outside the building soon after, and adjusting to the significantly lower temperature outside. 

“Bye baby gay. Don’t be a stranger, okay?” Milan said, hugging Robbe goodbye. “Bye second favorite artist of mine.” Milan said, giving Sander a quick embrace too. 

“Oh, second favorite huh?” Sander spoke in mock offense, before Milan returned to where Jonathan was waiting. 

“Let me know when YOU get a 18 in Stevens’ digital drawing class in second year, and then we’ll talk Driesen.” Jonathan laughed. 

“Deal.” Sander said, waving at the two guys. Once they started walking away he turned himself to where Robbe was unlocking his bike. “So how are we doing this?”

“You take me to yours.” Robbe said, handing Sander the steering wheel once he had unlocked his bike. 

Sander grinned and grabbed the bike – could it now be officially considered their bike? - and looked over his shoulder as Robbe got onto the back. He then set the pedals to give him the best chance of a smooth motion in kickstarting the bike, and he balanced the steering wheel in between two poles that were supposed to keep the cars out of this part of the street. 

“Sander for fuck’s sake, if you make us fall...” Robbe warned, peaking over Sander’s shoulder to see if any more obstacles were on their route. 

“Relax, relax...” Sander spoke, as he now got a good rythym going and they got onto the path alongside the kaaien, which was pretty much a straight line to his neighborhood. “Just hold on to me so we’re more aerodynamic for the wind.” Sander spoke. 

As a result, Robbe cautiously moved his grip from the back of the bike to hold onto Sander, trying to surpress the cringe of how this totally looked like a cliché movie scene. He needed a distracton. “Sing some Bowie?” he suggested, to which Sander looked over his shoulder in surprise for a moment. 

“Eh, sure. Any requests?” Sander asked, looking in front of him again. He waited for Robbe to reply, but either the reply got lost in the wind, or Sander had free range in which case he would have to make a choice quickly. A smile turned onto his face when he could hear the intro tune to Heroes in his head. “I, I will be king. And you, you will be king too.” Sander sung loudly. 

And if it hadn’t been for the fact that he was on a date with the cutest boy in all of Antwerp, his very own boyfriend, he might have felt shame. But there was nothing about this situation that he didn’t want to shout from the rooftops. 

He recognized the way his feet seemed to kick on their own from that night he raced Robbe through the St Anna tunnel not too far from here, not that long ago. He looked over at the water, and the way it was reflecting the moonlight, and he thought back to the night he first saw him, and how his heart had screamed ‘him him him, we want him’ and Sander had fallen, hard. 

“Cause we’re lovers! -”

“And that is a fact.” Robbe cut in, and Sander laughed loudly, humming along to the rest of the melody as he felt his chest starting to burn a little bit from the exertion. He looked down at his feet and then up ahead, where they were approacing Het Steen. And as Robbe continued singing along, Sander smiled brightly.

_We could steal time, just for one day_

_We can be Heroes, for ever and ever_

_What d'you say?_

“Look at you. You might pass the Bowie exam after all.” Sander laughed. 

“Well then you’re gonna have to quiz me tomorrow.” 

Sander laughed, and promised he would. They could spend the entire day together, as he had no plans other than dinner with his parents in the evening. But he figured his parents wouldn’t even object if Robbe joined them.

Robbe smiled as he continued to sing along, while tightening his hold on Sander.

_I, I will be king_

_And you, you will be queen_

_Though nothing will drive them away_

_We can be Heroes, just for one day_

_We can be us, just for one day_

“I love the kaaien.” Sander shouted behind his shoulder, and he let out a joyfull laugh that filled Robbe’s chest with warmth. Robbe soaked it up, the excitement radiating from Sander as he kicked his feet on the pedals, hard enough to move both of them, the wind from the river breezing through their hair. 

He was perfectly content in that very moment. And so he closed his eyes, putting his trust in Sander to not make them crash. He allowed the wind to try and cause him to get chills, because by all means it was currently early march and the weather wasn’t in double digits yet. But no cold reached Robbe’s chest, as he just leaned into his boyfriend and waited until they finally got to where Sander was taking them.

Sander eyed the streets that ran at a 90 degree angle to the one they were currently following. They were now close, and Sander gave Robbe a warning when he took a left turn, and then he zigzagged through the streets of St Andries.

Robbe’s eyes opened again when Sander sing-songed “Home Sweet Home” and he looked around as they crossed over the square in front of Sander’s building. 

As they get to the sidewalk, Sander paused the bike and Robbe unceremoniously got off. “That was so smooth.”

“Very.”

Robbe looked up and laughed, playfully shoving Sander’s shoulder, before he clinged onto it, almost making it impossible for Sander to lock the bike. 

“I wanna get inside... hurry.” Robbe pouted, and Sander scoffed. He then closed the gate and locked it, before he turned around in Robbe’s arms.

“Are you gonna let me go so I can open the front door or...?”

“No.” Robbe grinned, still glued to Sander’s side, his head resting on his shoulder.

Sander didn’t complain though. He liked how Robbe had somehow equalized him with comfort, and all he wanted to do was make sure that he deserved that. Keep them both safe and happy. And as they got into the elevator and the doors closed, he knew he was partially successful. Now about the happy part... 

“Do you want a beer? It’s still early, we don’t have to go to sleep.” Sander said as they kicked off their shoes in the entryway. He checked the time at the security system by the front door, which was only indicating 22.28.

“Yeah, sure.” Robbe nodded, taking off his coat and hanging it on one of the empty hooks. He then continued walking, curling his toes as he walked along the row of hallway closets, before entering the open space that was the kitchen-living-dining room. He watched Sander open up the fridge door to his left, and he continued walking towards the living room, pausing next to the couch, a smile appearing on his face immediatly when something caught his eye.

“Do you have more of these?” Robbe asked as he stood by the little sidetable in the living room, looking at one of the pictures in the pictureframe. Sander couldn’t be older than 9 in this picture, wearing a short sleeved surf suit while the wind trashed his dark hair all over the place. 

“Hmm?” Sander asked as he walked up, handing Robbe his beer before taking a seat on the couch.

“Pictures. From when you were a kid.” Robbe repeated, as he took his seat next to Sander and made himself comfortable, his head resting on Sander’s shoulder. The Driesen living room had these big windows on two sides, and floor-to-ceiling built in cabinets that always made Robbe feel a bit small, out of place, whenever he sat on the couch. That’s why he hadn’t taken a seat until Sander walked up with the beers, the only way he wouldn’t feel out of place being by his boyfriend’s side. 

“My mom has several albums in one of those.” Sander said, gesturing to the hallway closets. “But this one’s the only one I agreed to put on display.” Sander said, reaching behind Robbe for the particular pictureframe. 

Robbe looked up so he could see the expression on Sander’s face, and when he saw a soft smile, he put his head back down where it previously was, relieved that he hadn’t touched on an emotional subject. “What’s with the surf suit?” Robbe asked, poking 9 year old Sander on the picture in the stomach with his pinky, while the rest of his fingers held the bottle of beer. 

“That was me wanting to be like my older cousins.” Sander chuckled. “They all went to surf camp that summer and I was envious of them.” 

“Did you learn?” Robbe asked, curiosity peaked. He had been just as surprised as the other boys in finding out Sander was good at soccer, and he realized Sander might have other mysteries or hidden talents he didn’t know about. 

“No, never did.” Sander admitted, putting the pictureframe back in it’s place. “I may want to try it at some point, but I never learned it as a kid...”

Robbe hummed and then smiled. “I did.”

Sander looked up with a surprise smile. “You know how to surf?”

Robbe pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his own instagram profile, scrolling down to a post from August 23rd, 2018. “Here.” Robbe showed. 

Sander took the phone and looked at the picture, doing a double take in looking at Robbe’s smug face and then zooming in on the picture with his thumb and index finger. “Look at you...” Sander smirked. 

Robbe grinned and then took the phone back before leaning into Sander’s embrace.

“That was from when you were... 15?” Sander calculated. He knew Robbe’s birthday was August 2003, but whenever he thought of being 15 it felt so far away from him that he wanted to check to be sure. For Robbe that was just last year. For him it felt like another life. 

“Jup. Went on a surfcamp that summer. My godparents’ present for my 15th birthday.” Robbe explained. He repositioned himself from where his arm was falling asleep and made a little happy noise when he found the softness of Sander’s hoodie against his cheek again. Then he frowned, thinking back to that summer, and a shy smile grew on his face. Perhaps he shouldn’t tell Sander about it. But in the spirit of the evening he decided to anyways. “I actually had a really vivid wet dream at that camp. And it threw me completely off guard, because it wasn’t about a girl.” Robbe spoke. 

Sander nudged his shoulder and Robbe chuckled, because he knew that would get a reaction out of him. Robbe lifted his head, and looked at Sander who was looking at him with big eyes. “Who?”

“Jens.” Robbe shrugged, no shame in the admission. “I was following after him like a drooly puppy all summer.” Robbe sighed. 

Sander tried to contain his laughter, but eventually let it out for a few seconds before he softly stroked Robbe’s cheek, pulling him in close. “Poor you.”

“Yeah.” Robbe smiled, glad Sander decided to take pity on him rather than make him feel ridiculous. “I mean, Jens literally cheated on one girl with her best friend. He could get just about any girl in scouts and he wasn’t exactly hiding either. And it just drove me mad to know that I'd never have him. That he’d never feel the way about me the way I felt about him. The way I felt about boys, in general.”

Sander hummed and then clicked his tongue. “Well... I don’t know...” Sander spoke, but when Robbe looked at him with a frown he shook his head to shrug it off. It wasn’t his place to make the observation. All he knew was that Jens was widening his knowledge about sexuality, and Sander had only picked up on that because of the questions Jens had asked him. But he had no actual reason to suspect it might also influence Jens’ sexual attraction to people. “Back to you being Jens’ horny lapdog. I like this story.” Sander chuckled. 

“Well... I mean... I guess that was the summer I started to test the waters a bit. Nights where I got drunk with the boys I would sneak away and in a drunk haze I would watch gay porn and actually not feel disgusted with myself for a few minutes.” Robbe admitted. 

“You’re absolutely perfect.” Sander whispered, softly rubbing circles on Robbe’s back, the friction with the fabric of his shirt causing a tingle in his hand. He pressed a kiss to the top of Robbe’s head, just for good measure. Because whatever dark thoughts Robbe subjected himself to back then, they weren’t there anymore and Sander knew that every kiss and every touch, made it a little easier for Robbe to be fully comfortable in his own skin. 

“I wasn’t really back then though.” Robbe sighed regretfully. Whenever he would think back to the entire fourth year, and the way he allowed himself to mess up so badly, his skin itched. He looked at Sander, frowning. “You know about what I did, to Jens and Jana, right?” he asked. 

Sander nodded, frowning. “You found out from Jana that she had kissed a dude at a party and snitched to the dude’s girlfriend so that there would be drama and Jens would break up with her.” Sander summarized. Cliffnotes version, because he knew that the story was more complicated than that.

“Yes.” Robbe nodded. He looked down, biting his lip. “Not my finest moment.”

“Yeah but you learned from it. You apologized, and you regret what happened, right? They both forgave you...” Sander spoke, and he pressed another kiss to Robbe’s cheek. 

“If only the series of regretful events had stopped there.” Robbe said as he returned to rest his cheek on Sander’s chest. It was nothing short of a miracle that he still had Jana and Jens in his life. Robbe realized, seeking Sander’s hand to hold as his mind dove deeper into the treasure vault of regrets. Not standing up for his mom when his dad was being an asshole. Letting Moyo say all those homophobic things to him last spring. Letting himself normalize those type of words to the point that he would use them himself. It was a miracle Milan had agreed to let him move into the flatshare despite Robbe throwing slurs at his face over what was just a misunderstanding. Or how Sander still decided to hear him out after he had thrown out more venom and practically shoved the door in his face. 

Sander felt the way Robbe was holding on to thim closer, and recognized the way Robbe’s breaths in and out of his nose where increasing in speed. He knew the signs of spiraling thoughts, and he knew how to stop them. 

“Hey... That’s the past, okay?” he spoke, sitting upright and pulling Robbe along with him. “We are the future, right. You remember that?”

Robbe blinked, and looked at Sander. He closed his eyes for a moment, his mind locking the vault back up, and when he opened them again, he had a soft smile on his face. “Yeah. Yeah. I do.”

“Grab your beer.” Sander said, as he got up from the couch and took Robbe’s hand in his, before they walked down the corridor and into Sander’s room.

Once the door closed, Sander stretched himself out on the bed, starfish style, and then reached out for Robbe with his hands. “Kom.”

It made Robbe laugh a little, and he looked around the room. He then spotted where Sander had placed his beerbottle on the nightstand, and joined his next to it before he crawled into the bed. When Sander curled onto him, he giggled, before brushing away Sander’s wild bleached hair out of his face because it tickled. 

“What do you think the Sanders and Robbes in the other universes are doing right now?” Sander asked after a beat of silence, staring at the ceiling like it was the night sky.

Robbe took a deep breath, realizing he hadn’t thought about the other universes in a while. Not since he had accepted that his own universe was a happy one and he no longer needed to escape to alternate versions of his life. 

“I think...” Robbe said pensively. “I think Robbe number 47 and Sander number 47 are currently at the ER. Because Sander 47 is crap at riding a bike with two people on it so they crashed the bike.” Robbe spoke. 

Sander scoffed and poked Robbe in the stomach, causing Robbe to laugh. 

Then, as the laughter died down, Robbe moved his arm behind his head,mimicking Sander’s gaze at the ceiling. “I think there’s a Robbe and Sander out there flipping through pictures of them together as kids, because they could have met when they were way younger.” Robbe continued. 

Sander looked up, smiling. “Childhood best friends alternate universe?”

Robbe nodded, and readjusted his shoulder when Sander rested his head upon it. “Kinda like in the Flash.” Robbe joked. 

Sander groaned and shook his head. “Okay, enough of that game.”

“No no no...” Robbe objected, pulling Sander a bit closer. “How about you give one.”

“An alternate Robbe and Sander?” Sander asked, and Robbe hummed in confirmation. Sander took a deep breath in, and he looked down to toy with the zipper of Robbe’s hoodie. “How about... A Robbe and Sander that are both in high school... Sander could be a sixth year at KAB.”

Robbe’s face shifted as he realized he was unsure of how he felt about that scenario. “That would mean he's born in 2002 though.” 

“Or Robbe is born in 2002.” Sander countered. 

Robbe hummed. No, Sander would have to be younger. Younger as he looked when he was asleep or when he was laughing carefree like earlier with Milan and Jonathan. 

“I’d have plenty of competition at the school if that were the case. You’d be the shiny new toy.” Robbe imagined out loud. 

Sander raised his head again, and stretched his neck to place a kiss on Robbe’s lips. “But I'd only have eyes for you.”

Robbe smiled, and stole another kiss if only to shut up the thought that there were still universes out there where things were better. This universe was great. He was here, in his boyfriend’s bed, surrounded by different expressions of Sander’s art after a fun night out for dinner with friends.

“Are you happy?” Sander then asked, lips lingering just a few centimeters from Robbe’s. 

Robbe frowned, a quick ‘yes of course’ ready on the tip of his tongue but then he saw Sander looking at him and he knew that answer wouldn’t suffice. He sighed, and took a deep breath, thinking at the news reports and thanking the fact that everyone around him was still healthy. He got back a 15/20 test just yesterday so school wasn’t a disaster. He had somehow gathered up enough confidence to get his ear pierced last week, and he had the most amazing boyfriend. So it was pretty obvious. “Yeah. I am.”

“Good.” Sander smiled, before he got up and reached for one of the beerbottles on the nightstand. It didn’t really matter which one was which. He took a few sips, and then took off his hoodie and the shirt he wore beneath it. 

“Wow wow, what are you up to?” Robbe chuckled, and before he knew it Sander was hoovering above him. He sighed deeply, his laughter dying down and he allowed the rest of the world to dissappear for a bit, just staring back into the eyes of the boy he loved. “I love you.” he spoke softly. 

Sander’s gaze shifted at the words, and he gave Robbe a lopsided smile. “Love you too.” he spoke, before he pressed his lips down on Robbe’s, and he enjoyed the effortless feeling of it as they allowed their lips to dance around each other. 

“Sander, I can taste the beer...” Robbe then spoke once they pulled apart, and he pouted a little, which make Sander take a deep breath and then he got up from the bed. “Where are you going?”

“To brush my teeth. You brush yours.” Sander explained, and Robbe caught on to the concept as he finished the bottle that wasn’t empty on the nightstand and then hurried into the bathroom where he used the dark blue toothbrush that sat in the cup by the sink, his designated toothbrush since a few weeks ago so he didn’t have to remember to bring his own. 

“Hurry back.” Sander then spoke as he finished up, and pressed a kiss to Robbe’s cheek before he moved back to his room, leaving Robbe to imagine what type of sight he would find when he walked through that door. He brushed a bit faster. 

“Fuck.” Sander cursed from the room less than a minute later. He stared at the screen on his phone, a displeased look on his face.

“What?” Robbe asked as he came to lean in the bathroom doorway with the toothbrush still in his mouth.. In his mind he had imagined Sander bumping his toe into one of the legs of his bed, like he had done a few times. But that seemingly wasn’t it, as Robbe saw Sander on the bed, in just his boxers.

“I just got a reminder on my phone... I have an appointment with my phychologist tomorrow.” Sander sighed. He threw his head into the pillow, groaning. 

Robbe dissappeared for a moment and then returned, switching off the light and closing the door behind him. As he got onto the bed he touched Sander’s leg and his shoulder, a comfort habbit. “Is it early?”

“9AM...” Sander sighed, staring up at the ceiling. There went his idea of a fun weekend day spent with his boyfriend to unwind from the week leading up to deadlines at school and sleeping in until long after sunrise.

Robbe hummed. “Yeah I don’t get why they do sessions that early. It sucks, especially when they’re so damn joyfull that early in the day.” he spoke out of his own experience. Then, an idea came to mind. “Want me to come with you?”

Sander frowned, finally averting his eyes from the spot on the ceiling, already thinking about the questions he was going to have to answer tomorrow. “What?”

“I could join, if... if you’d want. If it’s allowed...” Robbe said, then suddenly coming to the realization that it was perhaps not a common thing. This wasn’t a regular doctor’s visit, and he knew that himself. His own therapist stressed the fact that they were in a confidential space all the damn time. 

“I don’t want you to have to listen to me answer a long list of questions, it’s okay.” Sander said, turning on his side so he could look at Robbe. 

“Questions?” Robbe frowned. He never got any questions in particular during his sessions. They dealt mostly with how to deal with the negative thoughts once they rose to the surface. They talked about his mom, his dad. Honestly sharing his feelings on how he felt about his parents. In the upcoming session he would talk about the days spent with his dad last week, and how he’d noticed his mom was in front of the tv with the news reports about the virus every night now. He’d probably talk about tonight too, because he was proud of himself for trusting in the fact that he would be okay at the end of the night. And he was. He was okay. And as he blinked out of his thoughts, he looked down and he wondered. If Sander had the same ability with his appointments. Or if it would be different for him.

Sander nodded slightly. “Yeah. I mean, it’s more like as a way to get me to talk. They ask if ... if I’ve been sleeping well.” he sighed. “How much energy I have. If I’ve had spiraling thoughts, if I’ve had a higher seks driver than normal....”

Robbe looked up at that, and grinned like the idiot 16 year old teenager that he was. “And have you?”

“Have I what?” Sander smirked. He leaned in to Robbe’s lips, but pulled back in his trademark teasing style. 

“Higher seks drive?” Robbe asked, as he pulled Sander closer so that he couldn’t tease him anymore, and he finally claimed his lips with his own. 

“Well you were gone for half of last week and we didn’t see each other for three days this week so...” Sander said as he expertly swung one leg over Robbe’s hips to straddle him. “I say the fact that I want to have sex right now is within normal expectations.”

Robbe grinned and raised his head for a kiss, if only as a reward for how smooth that transition was. But then again he was dating Sander Driesen, king of taking his breath away and making him feel flustered. Robbe smiled into the kiss as he realized he was glad they were in Sander’s bed and not a Greek restaurant’s bedroom.

“Touch me.” Sander spoke, giving Robbe a small encouraging nod before he leaned in for another kiss, knowing that was all Robbe needed. Knowing that was all that needed to be said between them, and that their bodies could handle the rest of the communication from there on.

It was a continuation of the way the universe had been on their side the entire night. As if they had a guardian angel watching over them, making sure that they got to live their lives happily and together. And with the most pride in themselves and who they had become over the last few months. And whatever the future would have in store for them, they could overcome it. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Allow me to say that this chapter is probably the longest I've ever written, and it did take me 3 full days to do so but because of the many great messages and comments I remained inspired to do so. 
> 
> Also, no need to panic if the ending freaked you out a bit: this is not the end of the fic. There are 25 more chapters to go, but the guardian angel of the characters that resides in me needs to take a small break before I can dive into the final leg of this fic. it is now 80% complete, and I hope you've enjoyed the ride so far. Make sure to let me know if you enjoyed it and what you're favorite part has been of this chapter, or the fic in general. 
> 
> Special thanks to the people who have allowed me to vent through my writers blocks on the voicechats and have always given me the constructive criticism I needed. You know who you are. 
> 
> Love you all. ♥


	101. Chapter 101

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back! And we're jumping directly into some drama, but I know you all secretly love that. 
> 
> Also, happy pride to everyone :)

Amber startled awake from her dream to the sound of glass breaking somewhere downstairs, and she blinked to focus her eyes. She looked around her room and spotted her bathrobe, wrapping it around herself while hurrying down the stairs. She was already running through the ingredients she’d need to remove wine stains, under the assumption that her mom smashing a bottle of wine at 8.36 in the morning was the cause of the noise she heard. 

“Mom?” she yelled through the house as she hurried herself to the kitchen, where they kept the cleaning products under the sink. 

“I’m assuming she’s still asleep.” her dad said, and Amber turned around to find her dad on his knees, carefully collecting the splintered glass from the kitchen floor. “Sorry if I woke you, darling. I dropped the Nutella jar...” her dad explained. 

Amber frowned and then looked at the kitchen counter, hidden by the shade of the blinds in the kitchen that weren’t even up yet. What the hell was going on. 

“What are you doing?” Amber asked, approaching the counter where toast, waffles, strawberries and a presumably freshly squeezed glass of orange juice were waiting to be joined by the other ingredients. “Who is this for?”

Amber’s dad rose from the floor, and put the shards of glass away. He then observed the cuts in his hands, and opened the faucet to rinse his hands. Then he sighed, staring at the tiles of the backsplash as he spoke. “This is what I get for trying to do something nice for our anniversary...”

Amber stood next to him and frowned at him as if he wasn’t speaking flemish right now. Her dad? Doing something for her mom? “I’m confused.... Why would you do that?” Amber asked. Not that she didn’t know it was a thing that spouses did for eachother. It just wasn’t what her parents did.

Her dad looked at his daughter and he sighed deeply. “Amber, did you forget what day it is today? It’s our anniversary. I’m doing this for your mom.” he spoke, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

But it wasn’t. The last time her mom or her dad had aknowledged that they were actually still married had to have been months if not years ago. Last year’s March 7th had gone by without any specific mentions of the special day, despite the fact that it was their 20th anniversary. Yet somehow now, her dad was making breakfast.

“Dad, you haven’t even looked at mom all week.” Amber said, her voice coming out more stern than she may have meant to. She didn’t really know where it came from either. Maybe she was just tired of the people around her always pretending things weren’t as bad as they seemed. The downplaying of the seriousness of the virus. The fact that her parents both pretended they were still in a marriage but they slept in seperate bedrooms. She was sick of it.

“Amber, you know better than to say things like that. It’s not…” her dad spoke, but before he could finish, Amber’s hand hit the counter.

“No, dad. You’re the one who should know better. You’re the one who drove this family apart when you decided to shut down mom’s salon and keep her in the house so people wouldn’t see her and it wouldn’t hurt your precious reputation. Mom hates you for that, and you know it. You know there isn’t a marriage left between you two. So this.” she said, gesturing to the food he had prepared. “This is just to soothe your own guilt.”

“Amber Marianne Snoeckx! That’s enough!” Her dad cut in, turning to her with a raised hand. 

Amber’s eyes grew big, and she looked at the raised hand, before looking back at her dad. “Right. Raising your hand at women... Part of your whole ‘feminist when it’s convenient’ lifestyle, isn’t it dad?” Amber said, before ripping the fitbit off her wrist. “Like gifting me this. Like constantly trying to get me to work out more. Like expecting me to cook for the entire family...”

She put the watch on the counter and then looked at the food, before grabbing it and sighing at her dad, not hiding her dissappointment anymore. “Say hello to your mistress from me this afternoon, dad.”

Amber took glass of orange juice too and walked upstairs, tears on her cheeks as she did. When she put the plate on her desk and sat down in the chair, she heard the front door violently close downstairs, and a few moments later the door down the hall opened, and her mom’s voice called her name. 

“Amber, what’s going on?” her mom asked, approaching her bedroom door. She knocked, and Amber uttered a silent and surprised ‘yes’ before the door opened, and her mom peaked her head through the door. “Everything okay? I heard the front door...”

“Yeah yeah. It’s okay. Must have been the wind. Dad just went to get breakfast from the bakery.” Amber lied, lifting the corner of her mouth into a forced smile. 

“Why would he do that if you clearly already made breakfast for you guys...” her mom said, eyeing the plate on her desk.

Amber sighed deeply and looked at the plate, before she pushed it a bit closer to her mom. “I made this for you, actually.” she smiled. Despite the fact that it came from her dad in a false sense of loyalty to his marriage, Amber did know that her mom deserved breakfast in bed like he had intended, but she would never accept it coming from him. 

“Sweetheart... You know I don’t really eat solid food until...”

“Eat, mom.” Amber said, too tired for her mom to make excuses and continue her self-destructive behaviour while she stood in her room. This was her space, and she wasn’t gonna let her mom refuse this. She had worked too hard on herself to go along with that any longer. 

Her mom seemed to sense the persistency in her daughter, and took a seat on the little bench at the end of Amber’s bed, putting the plate on her lap and nibbling from the waffles. 

They sat in silence for a while, Amber drinking the orange juice, which was indeed freshly squeezed, and her mom eating the waffles. Then, her mom froze and called her name. 

“Hmm?” Amber asked, and her mom pointed at a picture in one of the pictureframes. 

Amber’s heartbeat grew faster as she realized what picture she was pointing at, and her face turned into a crimson red. 

“You have a boyfriend?” her mom asked. 

Amber eyed her mom’s movements to figure out if she was okay with it or not. And when her mom took another bite from the waffles and clearly waited for Amber to explain, she figured anything that wasn’t an outburst was good. 

“Eh, yeah. We’ve... We’ve been together for three months now.” Amber spoke, again, cautiously waiting for her mom’s reaction. Three months was a long time to hide something like this. Last time Amber lied about something for a similar duration it was her supposedly amazing grades in German while in reality she had failed every single test for the entire year thus far. Back then, her mom had cursed at her and shoved her food away, calling Amber a dissappointment. So it wasn’t that unusual that Amber was already eyeing her surroundings, figuring out a way to protect herself.

“He looks nice.” her mom then spoke, out of the blue. “So you did have a Valetines’ date then.” her mom smiled. 

A smile. Something Amber hadn’t seen her mom do while she wasn’t drunk in years. 

“Mom... Have you been drinking?” Amber asked, despite the fact that it wasn’t even 9AM yet. That would explain more than the fact that her mom wasn’t pissed off. And despite hearing her mom go to bed around 2AM, Amber could never be certain if she didn’t just take the bottle with her upstairs. She also had learned how to remove red wine stains from yellow bedsheets.

“No sweetheart. You know I’ve been trying to cut it down a little...” her mom said, her face suddenly vulnerable. Regretful. And Amber did know. She knew her mom hadn’t emptied out the bottles at the same rate she had been before. But she still wouldn’t leave her bed until the afternoon and Amber didn’t really have any less reason to be concerned about her. Not yet, at least. 

“I’ve seen you’ve been much happier, these last few weeks. Now it makes more sense.” her mom spoke, then looking up. “I’ve also heard you stand up to your father more. His nasty comments, hidden under false compliments...” 

“Mom...”

“No, Amber. I know the man I married. And I’ve tried to make it work. But he basically locked me in this house and he’s taken away everything that I love and am passionate about. Except you. Because you’re not his to take, or to control. And I’ve seen that in you. You can resist him in ways that I couldn’t.” 

Amber hated seeing her mom like this.. Regretful, ashamed. But she also knew it was probably the most open her mom had been with her in recent memory. Part of her felt like she had to take her chance.

“Mom, why didn’t you leave him though?” Amber asked, sighing. “It’s not love, what you have. And I think I know what love is, because I love Aaron. So with you guys... I just don’t understand. Why can’t you admit that it doesn’t work?” Amber asked. 

Her mom sighed deeply, and looked her daughter in the eye. “Because we’re both too proud to admit we gave up on this marriage, I guess.”

Amber nodded, understanding, letting the information sink in. “But you’re both so pity towards each other sometimes. That’s not really healthy either. Living in the same house but never seeing each other. Never talking. Never...”

“We talked, baby girl. We talked plenty. We went to counseling, we went to couples retreats when you’d stay with your grandma. But he decided he was ashamed of me and my problems. He decided the one thing I wanted to leave the house for, my salon, was doing more harm than good. So he sold it, and with that I think he sold the final part of what could be saved from our marriage.”

Amber sighed, thinking back to that day she went with them to their counseling sessions, the ice-cream they got for her. They always managed to agree on things for her benefit. They agreed on getting her ice-cream, they agreed on letting her study at KAB, they agreed on not moving away from the city after her mom lost her salon and they knew there would be gossip. She was the one thing holding them together. 

“That’s not the only thing you have to show for your marriage, though. It’s not all just pain and hate. You have me. You have a daughter together.” Amber spoke, tears in her eyes again. “Can’t you just try, for my sake? You’re getting better. You’re doing that for yourself. And I’m proud of you for that. But I also need you to try make it work for me. Because if you don’t, I don’t think I can keep doing this. This environment... It’s not good for me.”

Her hand was on her chest, as if to try to calm her heart from the rush of adrenaline she got. But she finally said it. She needed just a little push to say what she had to say to protect her own best interest. And it was long overdue at this point.

Amber’s mom took a deep breath, and put the plate to the side for a moment. “I know we have you. But I cannot just forget how your dad treated me. Treated us. But for what it’s worth, I’m glad to hear you have a good guy in your life that treats you right. I know your dad likes to remind you of your independence, but you’re still young so I’m happy you found someone.”

Amber bowed her head, because she couldn’t deny that it hit painfully to hear that she wasn’t enough for her parents to make their marriage work. But then she looked up, hearing her mom give as close to a blessing to her dating Aaron. And now she understood that mother-daughter bond to talk about boys that she would always see in the movie. And she was itching to tell her more about him. 

“Yeah, he’s really great. He eh... Well, I was wondering if you maybe would like to meet him? Once you get a grip on things...”

Amber’s mom seemed startled, and looked down at the split ends on her hair. Of course her daughter wouldn’t want to introduce her to anyone looking like this. She couldn’t really blame her. But what matter was that she wanted to, eventually. “Yeah, sure. Maybe after this whole chinese virus thing is over?”

Amber looked up and frowned. “Mom, Yasmina said you can’t call it the Chinese virus...”

“Right. Yeah well, you know what I mean. But i’d love to meet him. Aaron, you said?” her mom asked, as she got up from the bench.

«Yes. Great.» Amber nodded.

Her mom then looked around her daughter’s room for a moment, and then smiled at her. “I’m going to go back to bed for a little bit, okay? Can you just bring me...”

“Yes, I’ll bring them at 3.” Amber nodded, and she waved as her mom smiled gratefully and then left her room again. She then got up to close the door behind her, and she then crawled onto her bed, hugging one of her pillows and looking out of the window. A deep sigh escaped her lips as she tried to place today’s events in a framework of usual behaviour, and she could only conclude that she did not expect the morning to go like this. 

She called out her dad for his hypocrisy, and she actually told her mom about Aaron. And that made her pouted lips turn into a smile.


	102. Sunday - 08/03/2020 - 10.14

_Today was the day she turned 15 and she bit her lip looking at her group of friends, waiting if someone was going to mention it. For the longest time during their lunchbreak they had exchanged casual conversation about irrelevant things, and half an hour in she was tuned out of the conversation because she could no longer relate to the subject anyways._

_Then, she recalled the relief, the feeling of finally and the warmth of being recognized when one of her friends pointed out today was a special day. And she smiled, nodding. It was okay, they hadn’t forgotten._ _She could forgive them, they had a busy time after all._

_But hearing ‘Happy International Women’s day’ coming out of the mouth of someone who claimed to have been her best friend not even a month ago, felt like heartbreak._

Yasmina looked out of the window, sighing deeply thinking back to the memory from two years ago. 730 days. And so much had changed. Her best friend was no longer her best friend, and any pictures of them together that showed they were friends once had been deleted from her instagram a long time ago. 

But she had grown to live with that. She had adapted, and filled the space that was left behind with new friends. With family, with fun memories. With school, and with her faith.

Her seventeenth birthday was obviously the reason why she felt so self-reflective. It was perhaps not 16 or 18, but it still felt like a milestone in a less obvious way. The final leg of the journey towards adulthood was starting now. And that was something that she wanted to take the time for. Pause for a moment, and let it sink in.

Nothing changed on a day-to-day basis. She didn’t have to vote yet, and however the rest of the school year was gonna go, she wasn’t due for making any big decisions any time soon when it came to her academics. And she was grateful for that.

She grateful for a lot of things. What she had, the people that were in her life, and the knowledge she had gathered in the last 17 years. From learning how to walk, to learning all the European capitals for that geography quiz she had 2 weeks ago. 

Okay yes, some knowledge more important than others. But Yasmina thrived on challenges in many ways, and she usually managed to find a purpose to even the dumbest things. Because that was what made the most sense. That all of the things that happened to her, and the people around her, were for a reason. Even all the pain she had watched her friends go through recently, and those moments where she felt like she could never have what others had.

Yasmina sighed, trying to return to the page she was reading in her book, but suddenly she felt like opening instagram and just giving herself the permission to daydream for a little bit. She was by herself in her room, so her mom wouldn’t be noisy by asking what made her smile so much. Not that she had ever caved in keeping her composure. She was an expert at not showing what was going on inside her head most of the time. Perfect poker face, which she could put to use if only her brother would actually be willing to play cards against her. 

According to him, the reason behind it was that he didn’t want to emberass her. But she knew better. And so did her parents. And her cousins. And aunts and uncles. Everyone knew Elias was mostly all talk. But he had his ego to protect, and Yasmina had decided to give him that sense of accomplishment for now.

Yasmina looked up when in that exact moment a loud ‘no!’ echoed through the wall in the room adjecent to hers, and she chuckled at the loud groans that followed. Knowing Elias, they probably just announced the cancellation of one of the tv shows he watched. 

Yasmina looked down at the book in her lap, bold black letters spanning the cover of it. ‘The subtle art of not giving a f*ck’. And when it came to most of her brother’s life, that was how she felt. The irony wasn’t lost on her. Coincidence was simply not something she believed in.

Yasmina looked down at her phone when more notifications came in, making her smile. She clicked on Jana’s instagram post, and thought back to the day that picture was taken last spring, when Zoë had ditched on them for what we’d later learn was Senne drama, and when Lucas was running 20 minutes late. Yasmina liked the post, and switched apps to open messenger, sending Jana a heart emoji. 

JANA: [Did you have a good birthday so far?]

YASMINA: [Yeah. Had breakfast with my family. Doing some reading.]

JANA: [Not for school, right?]

YASMINA: [No, just to relax.]

JANA: [Okay good. You shouldn’t have to do school work on your birthday.]

JANA: [Or International women’s day. That’s my excuse at least.]

YASMINA: [Haha.]

JANA: [Enjoy your day Yasmina! ♥]

YASMINA: [Thanks Jana. I will.]

Yasmina then turned back to the book, and made it through six pages before her phone buzzed again, this time an incoming videocall request. She put the book down, and accepted the call. 

“Hey! Happy birthday!” Luca said excitingly. She was her usual cheerful and happy self. “And happy international women’s day. How funny that those two things fall on the same day.” She chuckled. 

“I guess...” Yasmina laughed. 

“No but...When I think of a strong woman I usually think of you so it makes sense that the universe wanted you to experience the spotlight on a day like today.”

“The universe?” Yasmina asked, sceptical.

Luca shrugged. “Or Allah. I don’t know if he follows those type of international celebratory days though.”

Yasmina shook her head at the way that Luca’s no filter-thoughts really had no limits. “I don’t know.”

“Anyways, I called because maybe we could do something fun this afternoon? Now that it’s still allowed, before we all get locked in our houses?” Luca suggested. 

Yasmina bit her lip and looked at the door, where she would have to leave in half an hour because she was spending the day with her family.

“I actually already kind of, sort of have plans.” Yasmina spoke regretfully. “Sorry. But I think it’s super nice that you called.”

“Yeah okay, no worries. It’s your birthday. It’s not like you’d let us plan a surprise birthday party.”

“It’s also not like Amber would put you in charge of making sure I get there.” Yasmina countered, eyebrow raised and a playful smile on her lips. 

“Yeah, you have a good point.” Luca shrugged. “Heard from the other girls?”

“Eh, Jana posted on insta, and we texted. Amber said she wanted to bake me a cake but I told her she shouldn’t.”

Luca chuckled, Amber’s infamous birthday cakes were somewhat of a thing within their friend group. Zoë and Jana had already received theirs last month. Luca had joked that since her birthday wasn’t until September, there was still time for Amber to perfect the recipe. 

“And Zoë texted me this morning, and she said she was going to call me tonight. She’s apparently having a spa day with Milan or something.” Yasmina frowned. 

“Well it’s good they didn’t forget.” Luca nodded. “But then I will let you get to your sort of kinda already made plans then.” 

Yasmina smiled and nodded. “Thanks for calling.”

“You’re welcome.” Luca replied, before the call was ended. 

With her room returned to silence, Yasmina allowed herself to get distracted by her facebook newsfeed for a few moments. Then, she moved on to her saved images, knowing she had one specific quote in there that she wanted to post for international women’s day, although it was burried under the many scenery pictures she had taken. When she eventually found it, she decided on a simply caption and pressed publish, before getting up from her bed and walking over to the door, where she knew her mom would appear soon anyways. 

As if on cue, her mom called her from the hallway. “Coming!” she replied with rolling eyes.


	103. Monday - 09/03/2020 - 19.19

“I’m home.” Robbe announced as he walked into the kitchen and kicked off his shoes. He looked up to the microwave, noticing the time on it indicating it was 7.19PM and he cursed to himself because he had stayed out longer than he had planned. “Mom?” Robbe asked as he walked through the kitchen, and her lack of response made sense when he saw her in front of the tv, watching the news, as usual. 

“Hey, eh, sorry I’m home late. I lost track studying for the biology test on wednesday...” Robbe said, shrugging his backpack off his shoulders, hooking his arm through it to catch it, before placing it on the ground catiously.

“Uh uh. Wash your hands.” Ilse spoke, lifting her index finger while keeping her gaze focussed on the tv. 

Robbe paused from where he was taking off his jacket and walking further into the living room. 

Right. Washing hands. It seemed something basic, but for some reason adding it into his routine more frequently had been a bit of an effort. And as he watched the soap foam in his hands it made him realize just how much he lacked the habit of doing certain simple tasks that would benefit his health and hygiene. 

Once he was done, he walked into the living room, hoping he didn’t have to explain any further why he was late because in reality the only reason he had even noticed it was this late was because his stomach has growled and he was hungry. But, seeing by the look of his mom’s face, she wasn’t happy. She seemed serious. Serious in a way she had not been serious before when he would come home late. Fuck. He was in for a lecture.

“Robbe, have a seat.” Ilse said, finally looking up from the screen, and deciding she wasn’t going to dance around the issue today. She looked at him, and watched as he took a seat on the couch, never breaking eye contact as he did. He realized this was serious. Good. “Robbe, there are going to be a few changes around the house from now on.”

Robbe frowned and looked around the living room. What changes was she talking about. And what did it have to do with him being late from school? What had changed between when he left for school this morning and right now?

Ilse switched off the news, they had now moved on to the trivia section anyways, and turned to her son fully. “I was cleaning your room today. And I found... Souvenirs.” Ilse said. She allowed her son to discover she was talking about the used condoms badly aimed to land next to the trash can.

Robbe’s eyes grew big, and then he blushed, avoiding the eye contact and looking out of the window. This was awkward. “Mom, I’m... I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to do that.” 

If only Sander had better aim. They were going to talk about this. 

“I know I should try to keep my room clean, and -”

“It’s not about the state of your room, sweetheart.” Ilse then said. “I was young once too. I know what it’s like.” she smiled. 

Robbe was glad she smiled. Because then it wasn’t all that serious, right? Yet she was still looking at him, and soon her smile dissappeared with her exhale, and she clicked her tongue.

“It’s about Sander staying over here. And you coming home late.” Ilse said, then looking down to her phone, opening the notes app. She had written down her thoughts, something she had learned in therapy that had really helped her get control of her life more. She scrolled through, revising her bullet points once more. Then she took a deep breath, and looked back at her son.

“Mom, what do you mean? What is...”

“Let me explain, Robbe. Look, there’s a virus out there, and it’s very contageous.” Ilse spoke. “And we both know we live in a country where the government has a hard time forming a united front, so I think it is in our best interest if we take individual measures prior to the announcements the government will make about how to avoid the spread of this virus even further.”

Robbe listened and nodded, thinking that so far perhaps this wasn’t what he thought it was. “Yeah, sure... Makes sense. I already wash my hands more often...” he explained, still hopeful. They had already talked about that. It was the reason why his hands were now so dry, he noticed as he rubbed them together. The skin around his thumb was peeling a little bit.

"And while that’s necessary, I don’t think it is enough to protect us. Because we can’t control what other people do. We can only control what we do, in this house.” Ilse glanced back down at her phone and then sighed. She didn’t want to make this decision either, but she was still the parent between both of them and she had a responsibility to furfill.

“Robbe, from now on you’re going to come home from school right away. They’re already talking about closing schools like they’ve done in other countries, so I don’t want you lingering outside of school after classes. You will also take lunch with you from home, and you’re not leaving school for lunch, okay?” 

Robbe squirmed in his seat, like any 16 year old not the biggest fan of getting his freedom limited. But at the sametime he could rationalize why his mom would suggest this. He had heard the whispers down the school halls himself. 

Ilse sighed and she rubbed the bridge of her nose, because she didn’t want to do what she was about to do either. “And no more visitors. You’re gonna have to tell Sander he can’t stay here anymore, okay?”

And that’s when Robbe broke form. He was on board with the plan until that very moment. Because no. No, that wasn’t going to happen. He wasn’t going to tell Sander that. He would have been fine with making his boyfriend also wash his hands extensively. But not even being allowed to visit? No. 

“Mom, come on...”

“Robbe, don’t. I’m sorry, my decision is final. I have consulted other people with making this decision, but in the end it’s mine to take because I’m your mom and I have a responsibiliy to keep you safe.” Ilse said. She sighed, and moved a bit closer to her son, but Robbe backed away. 

“No mom, just... no. I did not spend all this time running away from everything and living in another apartment for then to come back here and be locked up without seeing my friends.”

“Robbe, you’re not locked up.” Ilse sighed, rolling her eyes. God, he was so dramatic sometimes. Then again, she knew he got that from her. “It’s just a precaution for us. For our safety.”

Robbe shook his head, and leaned his head on the palms of his hands. No, this wasn’t happening. Denial flooded his system, and suddenly he wanted to be as far away from this statement as he possibly could. “I can’t do this right now. Night mom.” Robbe said, quickly grabbing his stuff in one swift motion as he made his way towards the stairs and quickly jogged up to his room, closing the door behind him quickly, his heart beating faster and faster. 

Everything he had been working on for himself felt like it was slipping through his hands. The freedom he had experienced, was now threatened by a stupid virus. 

And it wasn’t like he didn’t understand his mom’s reasoning. But the truth was that Robbe needed that freedom. He needed to know it was okay to want what he wanted. And what he wanted was to hug his boyfriend right now. Not having to be apart because of some stupid pandemic. Fuck. 

Robbe: [Can you call me when you get this? I need to talk to you.]

Robbe sighed deeply and threw his phone next to him on the bed, while he turned on his back, and stared at the ceiling. Returning home from school right away. Not seeing Sander. Surely that was an exageration?

Robbe grabbed his phone and decided to investigate. He opened the boys groupchat – the one without Sander in it. He felt like his mom’s decision, and it’s impact on their relationship, should be relayed one on one. But Sander hadn’t answered yet. 

Robbe: [Any of your parents being stupid about this whole virus thing?]

Aaron: [Not really. My dad says it’s not serious.]

Jens: [My mom knows she doesn’t have to try anything with me now...]

Moyo: [Why, whaddup?]

Robbe sighed, and then saw an incoming call from Sander. He quickly pressed answer. 

“Hey. I saw your message. Everything okay?” Sander asked, the worry in his voice slipping through the other end of the line. 

“Yeah yeah... Sorry for worrying you.” Robbe said, running a frustrated hand through his hair. He didn’t meant to make Sander worry. Damn it. 

“So what’s the matter?” Sander asked, already sounding more relaxed after Robbe’s reassurance. 

“It’s... eh... My mom.” Robbe explained. 

“Did something happen?” Sander asked. There was the worry again. 

Damn it, this would be so much better in person. Robbe was kind of bad with words when it came to calling. He often ended up saying the wrong thing, as was evident by this exchange. 

“No, no. She’s fine. She’s... well, she just got this ridiculous idea.” Robbe sighed. He figured he should rip the bandaid off. “She thinks it’s best if there’s no visitors at the house anymore. Because of that virus stuff. And I also seem to have a curfew, which is...” Robbe scoffed. He was 16. A curfew was ridiculous. 

“Wait... seriously? No visitors?” Sander asked, clearly also aware what it meant for them. Hoping, perhaps, that it didn’t mean what he thought. 

Robbe hummed in confirmation. “Nobody. She only wants people in the house who she can, like, force to do stuff like wash their hands and shit. So basically... me. Nobody else.” Robbe sighed. 

“But I can do that. I can wash my hands. I mean, fuck, I’d go through a full contamination process if I have to. Robbe I... I don’t want to be apart.”

“I know. I know, and it’s really ridiculous that she’s doing this. And I will try to talk to her. I just... she just sat me down for it and I just had to talk to someone.”

“I get it. It’s okay.” Sander said, assuringly. Then he sighed deeply from the other end of the line. “Will you tell me, if you’ve talked to her? If you can convince her to change her mind. You can tell her I’d pretty much do anything. I can cook for you guys every night if I have to.”

Robbe chuckled, and as he did a tear rolled over his eyes. Sander never failed to make him fail in the most desperate of times. “Well I think we’d be dead from that sooner than from a virus...” he joked. 

“Just you laugh. But when we live together a few years from now, I’m not gonna ear your microwave lasagna twice a week. You’re gonna be glad I learned how to cook.”

“You did cook to impress me on our first unofficial date. I haven’t forgotten.”

“It’s how I show my love, baby.” Sander said, and Robbe could hear his smile through the phone. 

He then sighed, his chest already feeling a bit lighter. “Thank you.”

“No reason to thank me. This sucks but I’m glad you told me. And I hope you can talk to her. Are you gonna try tonight?”

“No.” Robbe said, looking at the door to his room. “I’m just gonna ignore her tonight. I will grab some food downstairs in a little bit, and then I’m just gonna watch some netflix or something. I think if I try anything tonight it’s not gonna have any effect, because she seemed very determined.”

“Hmm, yeah okay.”

“And apparently none of the boys have this issue either. So...”

“Well, their home situations are a bit different from yours though.”

“I know, I know.”

He did know. He knew that his mom was still adapting in some ways. And that perhaps she was getting too involved in all the news reporting for her own good. But she was his mom. And he wasn’t even educated enough on the subject to counter her arguments. 

“I guess I’m gonna just do some research on this virus then. See if what she says is true, and figure out some way to show her that it’s safe if we keep seeing each other.”

“Right. Yeah, sounds like a good idea. I’ll let you do that then, my briljant virologist researcher.” Sander teased. 

“You just wait until I win some sort of scientific prize.”

“By then we will already be married and my last name will be hyphenated on that prize baby.” Sander teased. 

“In your dreams.” Robbe grinned. “I’m gonna go. I love you.”

“Love you too. Keep me updated, okay?”

“I will. Bye.”

Robbe dropped his phone on the bed again and pulled his laptop in front of him, opening the screen and he blew out a puff of air. Okay virus, let’s see what you’re really all about.


	104. Tuesday - 10/03/2020 - 18.14

“Don’t we have to tell mom?” Lotte asked, as she held on to Jens’ hand while they walked further down the street. They were supposed to skate just in front of the house, but Jens realised their street was not the ideal circumstance to learn his sister how to balance on a skateboard. 

Jens looked down and smiled. “You’re such a goodie, you.” Jens chuckled. He then handed her his skateboard, and pulled out his phone, texting his mom that they’d be down the road at the little cul de sac where it would be a bit safer. 

“There. Texted mom.” Jens said, showing her the screen. Meanwhile Lotte was observing the wheels of the skateboard, which Jens took back from her. 

“What if I fall and I’m bleeding?” Lotte asked, a bit worried. She was a baby when Jens learned how to skate, so she could have no recollection of the many bruises and wounds he returned home with. But perhaps she was old enough to know that learning new things meant sometimes falling and getting back up again. Like riding a bike. 

“Then I carry you to the house, and we’ll take care of you. Maybe you’ll get a K3 band-aid, and then you’ll have your first wound that you can show off with.” Jens spoke excitingly. 

“But it’s not fun to be hurt...” Lotte pouted. 

To that Jens rolled his eyes and he chuckled, looking down at his little sister. “No but it shows you’re brave. That you want to learn new things. Learn how to skate. Which is really cool. And you’re not letting anyone stop you, because you’re a Stoffels, right?” he smiled. 

“Right.” Lotte said with a determined nod. 

“Well, then you will be fine. Just remember I’m right here.” Jens said. 

They arrived at the end of the road, and Jens checked to see if there was no heavy traffic, but as predicted this part of their street was a bit quieter and safer. 

“Okay.” Jens said, then placing the board. He kneeled down and tied up the decorative buttons on Lotte’s zip-up coat heavy duty winter coat, which was perhaps a bit overkill but there was extra padding so it was safest. 

“This is the board.” Jens said, pointing down. This is the front. Your feet go here, and here.” he said, then looking up to check if she was following along. 

“I’ve seen you skate before, Jens.” Lotte explained, a bit of a dramatic eyeroll. She was demanding lately that people did not treat her as a kid anymore, but she was still only 8 years old. 

“Okay. Do you want me to just show you then? The basics?” He suggested. 

When Lotte nodded he told her to sit on the sidewalk and he did a simple skate-by. “Watch where my feet are, okay.”

“I wanna try! I wanna try!”

“Gotcha.” Jens said, skating back in the reverse direction, and then putting the board down. 

She grabbed each of Jens’ offered hands and then cautiously placed her feet on the board, which Jens was blocking from rolling away with his foot just for safety sake. 

“It’s wiggly.” Lotte giggled, and Jens then removed his foot to allow the board to roll for a little bit, to which she smiled an exciting “Woah”. 

“Other way.” Jens said, turning the board in the other direction. 

And despite this being the boring basics, he knew her smile and the opportunity to get out of the house were more than worth it. So he indulged her, and rolled the board for longer and further, still holding on to her. 

“Can I do the step?” Lotte then asked, and Jens chuckled, before he shook his head. 

“You gotta be patient.”

Lotte pouted, and looked away. Then, she smiled brightly. “Look! Jana!” Lotte pointed. 

Jens frowned and stopped the board, almost causing Lotte to fall due to the law of motion. Jens caught her just in time, before he spun around. Fuck. 

But Lotte wasn’t playing a prank on him. Jana was at one of the sidestreets, and it seemed like she had spotted them too. 

“Lotte, I told you... We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. Not for a long time. So don’t.” he explained. Again, for what felt like the millionth time.

“But she’s coming over.” Lotte said, before she waved at Jana with her adorable smile full of missing baby teeth.

And sure enough, when Jens checked again, Jana was only a few meters away from them.

“Hey.” Jana smiled, mostly looking at the 8-year old, but then offering Jens a smiling nod. 

“We were just eh...”

“Skating!” Lotte chimed in excitingly. 

“I saw.” Jana replied, then looking back at Jens. “Close one.” she spoke in English. “Doesn’t she need a helmet for this stuff?” she asked, trying not to overstep with her worry.

Jens shrugged, then looking at his little sister. “I’m not gonna let her fall. And we’re not doing anything advanced or stuff like that, so...”

Jana hummed, crossing her arms and watching the siblings in front of her and the darkening skies up ahead. She had always loved the idea of having a sibling herself, and so whenever she’d been at Jens with his family she felt a sense of belonging. She was good with kids, apparently.

“So you were just walking by, or...”

“Yeah. Yeah I went to drop off a package at the post office.” Jana explained. 

Jens looked at her and then back at his little sister, who was just using her finger to make the wheels of the board spin from where it was resting against Jens’ leg. 

“So does that mean you’re not ignoring me anymore?” Jens asked. He decided to, hiding the need for answers on where they stood behind a chuckle. Because he knew things like this were gonna happen. They had mutual friends, and they didn’t live that far apart. So the more he knew about how to behave when they ran into each other, the better. 

“How could I ignore an eight year old.” Jana argued, smiling. But when she noticed Jens was looking for a serious answer she sighed, dropping her previously crossed arms in annoyance. “Jens...”

“What, Jana? We literally live in the same neighborhood. We go to the same school. We’re gonna keep seeing each other. Is it so weird that I want to know how to navigate that? You were the one who decided to mess everything up and make things all awkward.”

And Jana wanted to scream the words at him in that moment. That they wouldn’t be living in the same neighbourhood for long, and that they wouldn’t be going to the same school anymore. Because soon she was moving away to New York anyways. And the main reason she was standing here was because she had to start her list of goodbyes somewhere, so an adorable eight year old who probably wouldn’t realize what was happening seemed like the least heartbreaking one to start with. 

“Jens, it’s not like that, okay? Trust me.” she ran her fingers through her hair and sighed deeply. 

Jens looked up when she said that, and scoffed. “Trust you? Isn’t that something that friends do?” Jens replied. And it was perhaps a bit mean. And perhaps not a discussion they were supposed to have in front of his little sister. But here they were. “Damn it Jana, you’re so back and forth the entire time. You can’t just shut me out because you wanna focus on the future and then ask me to rely on the trust we have built to know that you’re doing the right thing.”

And Jana froze, her mouth opening to form a reply but when nothing came to mind, she closed it. She childishly then refused eye contact as the realization set in that she wàs in fact demanding completely opposite things, and it wasn’t fair. “I just don’t know, Jens. You’re right. I’m a bit of a mess these days trying to figure everything out. They make it all seem so simple on those teen tv dramas...” Jana sighed.

Jens chuckled and shrugged, looking around him. “Jana, this is Berchem. This isn’t a teen drama. It’s us. Our friendship. Our mutual friends. And look, yeah I get that things are changing. We’re both growing up in many ways. I mean... I never realized just how much of a burden it is to have to fend for yourself at the house so often. But now I’m experiencing that and it’s has made me more responsible. Looking out for these munchkins.” Jens said, looking down to where Lotte had resorted to sitting down on the edge of the sidewalk, just rolling the board back and forth. 

“I’m sure it’s not easy with your sisters there too. I never... I never had to do that.” Jana shrugged, her voice soft and sincere. 

“But you had to do a lot of other stuff. And you’re still one of the coolest chicks I know because of that. Because you don’t give up on things. You kept fighting to get Britt to talk to you, and now you’re back on good terms with her. You kept calling me out when we were dating about my sketchy behaviour and I realized I had to come clean about the weed. You... you should be a lawyer or something.” Jens joked. 

Jana laughed briefly and shoved him playfully. And a sense of familiarity came over her. It felt good. Joking together. Reminding each other of their importance.

“But you’re the one who hasn’t given up on us being friends though...” Jana then said, looking down. Because any resolve she had prior to this about wanting to keep her complicated history with Jens out of her life, was fading fast. Perhaps she had gone about it the entire wrong way. Maybe it was exactly because she was going to move to New York that she should try to hold on to the connections and the people she had here. People who knew her, who she had a history with.

“I don’t have to be the only one.” Jens said. “Jana, we’re chill in my book, okay? Just say the word, and we can just move on from this. You can stop ignoring me, and then you’ll have one more person to videocall with when we’re all locked in our house because there’s a chinese virus out there that’s killing everyone who coughs.” Jens said. 

Jana looked at him in offense, and groaned. “Ugh Jens, you’re so blunt sometimes!” Jana exclaimed, but then she couldn’t hold in her laugh, because perhaps that was exactly what she liked so much about him.

“What? It’s true... Robbe texted me about it just last night. He has a curfew and everything. And once our moms run into each other in the supermarket, It's not gonna be long. You know how it used to be when we were kids.”

“I’m surprised they don’t have a groupchat yet, the three of them.” Jana smiled. She could imagine it very well, if it wasn’t for her mom’s timeconsuming project at work that made her even forget to eat the dinner Jana had made for them. Hell, even right now she was out way longer than she was supposed to for simply dropping off a package. But her mom probably wouldn’t even notice.

“I should go back though, before she...” Jana spoke.

Jens reached out his hand, only stopping himself from reaching her arm just in time. “Jana, before you go... Tell me we’re okay?” Jens asked. He pleaded, truly. Which was something he never thought he’d do that day they first met at scouts. But he just couldn’t have things outside of the family stuff change right now. He couldn’t lose anyone else on top of the way he felt like he had lost his dad. 

Jana looked down and bit her lip, then softly nodding before she looked back up. She sighed deeply. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re okay.” she said, while simultaneously reaching out and falling into the familiar feeling of a hug. And damn, Jens was a good hugger. 

“Okay. Yeah... Awesome.” Jens said, trying to come across as nonchalant as he could. But if he briefly closed his eyes just to celebrate the triumph, then nobody would know. 

“Are you now boyfriend and girlfriend again?” a squeeky voice asked from below, and they let go of each other, both laughing and sharing a look. 

“No.” they replied simultaneously, and Lotte let out a dissappointed sound. 

“But maybe your brother could bring you over and you could have fun on the trampoline at my house. How does that sound?”Jana smiled.

When Lotte replied with a cheer, and the announcement that she was gonna ask her mom right away if she could, Jana smiled and looked back at Jens. “There, now you have an excuse to get out of the house.”

“Smart.” Jens nodded, and then they both looked in the direction that Lotte was running, already a bit ahead in the direction of where Jens lived. “I gotta go after her. But... I’m glad we’re okay.” he nodded, sincerely. 

“Yeah. Me too. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Jup, later!” Jens said, before he put his board down and skated after his little sister, not willing to risk her arriving home without supervision for their mom to see.


	105. Wednesday - 11/03/2020 - 12.37

_Coronavirus disease 2019, also known as COVID19 is an infectious disease caused by the virus SARS-CoV-2, one of the coronavirusses. The previously unknown disease was discovered in Wuhan, capital of the Chinese province Hubei. The disease is presumed to have a zoonotical origin. It’s most common symptoms include fever, coughing and shortness of breath._

Robbe had re-read that wikipedia page introduction about seven times in the last 24 hours. He had read the reports of the rate at which the disease spread in countries like Italy. He knew it had arrived in Belgium and many other European countries. He knew all there was to know about the way it affected people, and the risks that came with it. But it still didn’t feel entirely real.

It felt like a weird sci-fi plot, of a director that lost track of the story and decided to throw a pandemic on top of climate change and hoped it all made sense. But it didn’t. Whoever directed ‘2020’ needed to return to filmschool, cause this was becoming a mess. Robbe just wanted to yell cut and demand for things to go back to normal.

Then again, what would that be? Normal? When had his life been normal in recent times? No normal teenager went through the last 6 months he had gone through. Being abanoned by his father. His mom being admitted. Moving in with essentially strangers. 

But then there was also the light in all that darkness. Meeting Sander. Falling madly in love with him and using that new found emotion to cut through all the internalized hate he felt towards himself for not being normal. The way that love, and being loved, helped him through the hardest of times these last few weeks, months.

Robbe closed his eyes, thinking back to the bikeride after their date on Friday. That. There. A feeling of comfort flooded his chest. He could almost feel the wind from the riverside in his hair. It was so close, yet also so far away. The lyrics of the song echoed in his head as he kicked the peddles on the little pathway. He sighed, realizing he’d have to wait a while to be able to paint a fresh memory to hold onto. But if he would only have memories for the time being, then he would hold on to them for dear life. And last friday was perfect for that in every way.

The way Sander has assured him, the way it had felt so right to be there. To see Milan happy. To laugh at Jonathan’s jokes. Coming home to Sander’s and refusing to give an inch of space because he craved his touch. Just wanting to hold him close. And now his arms were hanging by his side, with noone to hold. The places in between his fingers where Sanders’ fit perfectly were empty. 

Robbe balled his hand into a fist. Was that the last moment he had been able to hold his boyfriend in his arms without having to think of contamination and disinfectant? Had he experienced the last sense of ‘normal’ without even realizing? 

Perhaps that was what upset him the most about all of this. That he had no idea the memories he had made would become so important for the upcoming time apart. That he didn’t get a heads up from the universe to tell him to enjoy it while it lasted. Being carefree.

But now he was informed. He had read all the articles, all the numbers. He knew they were about to enter what the internet said would soon be declared a pandemic. A thing you only heard of in the history books. Influenza. The plague. But was 2020. Surely modern medecine could find a way to get through this quickly. To find a vaccine. And they could end this suffering.

Suffering. Robbe scoffed in dissappointment at himself. Here he was complaining about not being able to see his boyfriend, while people were in hospitals fighting for their lives, with machines breathing for them. The images of the patients laying on their stomachs passed by. The thought of people suffering, with no human contact. Perhaps the gloved hand of a nurse as the only thing to provide some comfort. Yeah, Robbe really shouldn’t complain. But then why did it cause so much pain?

Robbe stretched out his hand, and crossed his arms, almost feeling small as he latched on to his own opposite upper arms. Hugging himself. Needing to experience some sort of comfort for himself right now. Because part of him was still not on board, screaming no. A part of him was rebelling against the idea that he would have to go back to being all alone with his thoughts. With being dictated what was the new ‘normal’ and having to conform to a certain expectation from society. Wearing a mask, like people did in cities with high air pollution. Fashionable prints and patterns and people opting to cross the road rather than crossing someone on a narrow sidewalk. 

But then another part of him knew that there was no point fighting it. There was nothing he could do, because in essence his mom was right. They should avoid contact with people outside of their household, because that was how the virus spread. He had come to terms with that somewhere in the last 24 hours. But that didn’t mean it sucked any less. 

The one thing he had somehow managed to salvage from the fire was his date with Sander on Friday. The policies that went into affect at midnight be damned, but Robbe insisted they went to the art exhibition by Sander’s school. Even if it was just so he could hold his hand. He refused to retroactively make something their ‘last’. 

He deserved better. They both did. And he knew that was why he wasn’t on this walk with Sander right now. Because he had to prepare for Friday and Robbe had agreed not to interrupt him in his creative process. And this exhibition was important to Sander. So Robbe was not planning on breaking that promise simply because he missed his boyfriend’s touch. 

He had survived years without being touched the way he wanted, and needed to. He had been dealing by himself a lot before. It was in some ways still his default. His brain sometimes still betrayed him by thinking in ‘me’ vs ‘us’. 

Yet at some ridiculous houseparty last fall, the universe had decided to draw him into a clandestine spraypainting collective, and there he had been fortunate enough to have caught the attention of a briljant artist. And that night was one of the many choices he had been thinking about lately. He knew there was a Robbe out there in the universe who had stood his ground earlier. Who would have rather gotten arrested than jump on that scooter with Noor. But that Robbe may have never had that first encounter. And from what Sander had told him, seeing Robbe is what made him believe there might be someone out there to love him. It gave Sander that sparkle of hope to join in on the beach trip. Which is what made the two of them an ‘us’. 

Without all of that, the other Robbe in the universe could have a completely different life. Would Jens have found him and saved his ass from the cops? Would Robbe have told him he was gay in a blurred out drunk confessional of gratitude. Could there be a Robbe who gathered up the courage to pull Sander closer at those trash containers by the beach, regardless who saw? Maybe there was a Robbe who went home after upsetting Noor, instead of continuing the night with Sander after their failed double date. Maybe there was a version of Robbe who had been ready to face his feelings, instead of blocking Sander that day. 

There were endless opportunities. But this pandemic seemed to be pretty much set in stone. No choice in Robbe’s life could have lead to this. So he knew that all the other Robbe’s had to deal with the same thing. And somehow that brought him some comfort. Would out-and-proud Robbe have advanced to the point where he could ask Sander to live with him and his mom for the duration of the lockdown? Would closeted Robbe have made it through 2019 as safe and happy as he had, with good memories to tie him over until the storm had passed?

Robbe realized that’s what this was. A storm, that needed to pass. And they couldn’t know how long this was going to take. How modern medecine could fight something like this. But if Robbe had learned anything in his science classes, it was that humanity had learned a lot in a short amount of time. So he had some faith in the science behind it all.

Which also meant that he would listen. He would stay at home if that was what was decided by the medical community. He would wash his hands however much he had to. He’d agree on the curfew and the quarantaine. Starting saturday at midnight, same time that the bars closed, Robbe would be home and his mom would check up on him to make sure he stuck to his end of the deal. And to check if Sander wasn’t hiding under his bed. Robbe smiled at the thought. Sander would probably not even complain about that. He did say he would do just about anything to be together if he could. 

And the thing was they could have been together right now. If it had been Sander, Robbe’s hand wouldn’t be empty on this walk he took right now. But as soon as Robbe caught wind of the exposition, he had insisted Sander didn’t neglect it for his sake. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did. And so he had promised he’d show up. Friday. And they would be together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels so weird to write about the closing of the bars and cafes on the exact day that they are allowed to re-open. But I guess this is a reminder for you all to support your local businesses!


	106. Thursday - 12/03/2020 - 16.29

Senne’s fingers moved over the strings of his guitar with a little bit of effort since he hadnt played in a while, but soon enough the tunes of ‘Let Her Go’ by Passenger were coming from the vibrations, and he tilted his head, wondering why it was this song out of all of them that his hands had chosen to play. 

He quickly decided not to question it. He preferred not to attach too much significance to the why of a different range of emotions. He had learned that very recently. To just embrace the emotion whenever it surfaced, instead of living his life in a permanent performance. 

So, there was nothing wrong with the melancholy of a sad lovesong. It was just a song. Right? 

His phone buzzed and he paused his movements to pick it up. It had become rare enough these last few weeks for people to actually message him. And those who did, he could count on his one hand. Luka texted once every few days, but their conversation never suffered from the pauses. They just continued whatever it was they talked about. 

His dad texted him once every two weeks or so with an article on politics, or an interesting opportunity on the stock exchange. But their conversations never adressed the fact that Senne had divorced himself from their family, and no longer embraced the lifestyle that made himself an arrogant fuckboy, and his brother a psychopath.

His friends from school had been posting in the groupchat that Senne had muted. The whole conversation was filled with speculation on what the university would decide on regarding the coronavirus precautions. Considering the new semester hadn’t started that long ago, he knew that any sort of delay in classes might have an impact of the overall quality of his degree. But he wasn’t like Bram, Stijn and Rutger who seemed to be placing bets on how many weeks there would be no class. As far as Senne knew, the university hadn’t formally made any decisions, so he’d figure it out when they did. 

And then there was Nina. Who was by far the person who texted him most frequently, and as Senne checked his notification, he smiled seeing that she was indeed the one who had texted him just now. 

NINA: [Want to meet up at PSN?]

Senne looked out of the window and sighed. It wasn’t a ‘meet up in a park’ type of day today judging by the weather. But he also knew they hadn’t met up since before the weekend and he did want to see her. He would just prefer if it was in a location with central heating.

Then again, nothing a coat couldn’t assist with, and he replied to the message. 

SENNE: [I can be there in 7 mins]

NINA: [Great! Can’t wait to see you 😉]

Senne got up from the couch and placed his guitar on the designated guitar-stand, before he walked over to grab his phone, wallet and put on a jacket, letting the door to the apartment fall into the lock behind him. 

Once he got in the below-ground parking garage, he pressed the button on his keys, hoping the car’s beeping in response would emind him where he’d parked it. Once he got in he set gps coordinates for Park Spoor Noord, before letting his hands roam over the steering wheel and taking a moment.

His car was the only possession he had kept after everything that happened. It felt comforting, knowing he had something that he could use as an escape if he wanted to. Just go for a drive. But also something that was undeniably his. 

Was it lame that he was proud of his car? Maybe. But it was a Tesla after all, so bragging rights were part of the package. And he knew he also had to care for it, because he couldn’t easily afford a new car – at least not within the same pricetag. He had 50K saved, and that was all he had until he could start earning money by himself. The car was pretty much his insurance if the rest of his life decided to fail miserably.

Which was why as he got out and someone walked against the car door, he cursed and checked for damage. Luckily there was none, and he then he looked around, figuring out where to pay for parking in a side-street near the park. When he couldn’t locate a parking meter right away he briefly considered walking further back, knowing they had to be placed frequently enough and he was probably just not paying attention. But he was also running a bit late, so after another few moments of consideration he allowed himself to walk away and hope that luck was on his side and he wouldn’t get a ticket.

Senne made his way over to the park, checking his phone for the description Nina had posted of some bench at the west end of the park. He looked around, trying to match the picture she had sent. Then he saw her in de distance, and he waved. 

“Hey.” Nina smiled, and Senne smiled back. He joined her on the bench, and Nina demanded a kiss which Senne gave into. “I missed you.”

“Yeah. I missed you too. Sorry I cancelled last time. A buddy of mine had a party and he kind of blackmailed me into going.” Senne explaned, referring to their plans last Saturday evening. 

Nina straghtened her shoulders and frowned, concerned. “Blackmail? What type of friends do you have...” she asked. Then she dropped her serious and concerned look, and smiled brightly, which was what Senne liked about her. She could be both serious and flirty, sometimes in the very same sentence. “You know in a few years once I finish law school, I’ll be able to quote the exact paragraph of the Belgian law book that forbids that.” Nina said. 

Senne looked up, and tried to stop the thought in his head from forming but it appeared anyways. The look on his brother’s face he imagined back when Zoë gave him a verbal beat-down by knowing her rights, and knowing the laws he had violated and that he was being charged for. Senne sighed deeply. He knew it was weird he still felt that proud sensation for hi ex-girlfriend while he was sitting here with a lovely girl like Nina. And despite them dating for a while now, he had yet to not think about everything that happened the previous year whenever law was mentioned. But he tried. He really did try to move on from that and make the subject have a better meaning.

“I’m sure you’ll kick ass once you pass the bar.” Senne nodded, pulling her closer to him. He took a look around the park, and he wondered why he hadn’t been here much in the past. It looked nice. It looked like the type of place he could meet up more often. It could be their spot. 

“Yeah, if it wasn’t for classes getting suspended.” Nina sighed, annoyed.

“What do you mean?” Senne frowned, and Nina chuckled next to him. 

“You haven’t checked blackboard? There was a UA-wide notification about the suspension of classes.” Nina said, before reaching for her phone and opening the blackboard app, where she still had the notification open. 

“Oh.” Senne said, releasing his shoulders from resting against the back of the bench, and leaning forward a little, reading through the message cautiously. Perhaps he shouldn’t have muted the chat with his friends from school.

Senne frowned and tried to figure out what this could mean for him. He wasn’t even going to that many classes, so it wouldn’t free up that much time for him. Then he remembered the schedule for the one class he did attend. “I have a deadline next week for a presentation...”

Nina shrugged, and pulled on Senne’s shoulder, so that he’d return to his previous position, her head resting on his shoulder. “Maybe it will be digital. Skype, or something?” Nina guessed. 

“Skype? Nobody uses skype anymore.” Senne laughed. 

“Then what do they use?” Nina frowned. 

“Eh, facebook messenger? You can call people like that.” Senne said, pulling out his phone and showing the little camera icon on top of the chat. Then again he doubted his teachers would be resorting to facebook as a platform. There was probably another, more academically suited alternative. 

Nina looked down at Senne’s phone and then looked at him, frowning a little bit. And as Senne was looking down on his phone to figure out this new information, he became aware of her looking at him after a minute or so. He knew she wanted to say something. “Go ahead...” he encouraged. 

“I don’t know I just.... I realized I don’t know much about you. From before, I mean. You don’t talk about your past that much.” Nina said, still eyeing Senne’s phone. Had she seen anything she shouldn’t have? Was there anything like that?

“Like... this Luka. He is all over your instagram. Were you two friends, back in high school?”

Senne looked aside and sighed in relief. Luka. That he could explain. Although he still felt as if he was being asked to open pandora’s box. What made it more difficult was that Nina didn’t know what she was asking for was messy and complicated all together.

Senne had to remind himself he could just tell her however much he’d want to. He could just keep the parts that he didn’t want to share to himself. This would only be complicated if he made it so.

“Yeah, I guess. We were kind of like brothers. And then a lot of things changed over the summer.” Senne spoke. He looked at his girlfriend, knowing he wasn’t giving her much to go on. “It’s a long story. I don’t wanna linger on the past.”

And while Nina agreed not to push on the subject further, Senne knew that perhaps getting the story out would help. Perhaps talking about last year and all the drama with Zoë and his brother to someone with an outside point of view would be a good thing. 

Perhaps, but not today. 

“So are you going to ask me to come back to your place or are we gonna sit here on a bench freezing for another half hour?” Nina then smiled, and Senne laughed, before he looked at her and nodded. ”Let’s go to my place then.”

And it was as easy as that. No questions asked, and no endless arguments about secrecy. Nina knew there was a story. But she trusted Senne enough to tell her when he wanted to. All Senne had to do was decide he was ready for that. 


	107. Chapter 107

Sander was... tired. There was no denying that. He had spent the last few days, and nights, working up to this exposition, putting pressure on himself since the moment Mr Luyten had e-mailed him saying he was amongst the top three students of his class. 

He looked the part too. This morning his dad had made him a supposed nutricious smoothie after he had asked his son if he had anything other than redbull and chips in the last 24 hours. He had made Sander sit at the kitchen island, and finish the entire pink-colored smoothie that was filled with vitamins and lots of other healthy stuff. 

It tasted a bit too much like strawberry for Sander’s liking, and he knew it wasn’t a miracle potion either. As he stood in front of the mirror now, his skin still looked a bit grey-ish and the bags under his eyes were pretty prominent. It had gotten to the point where Mia offered to apply some concealer, but Sander had turned down the offer.

Perhaps he should have accepted it? Could he seriously stand in front of people and be proud of his art when he looked like a hobo? 

Sander took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He then leaned down and splashed some water onto his face. When he opened his eyes again and looked up in the mirror above the sink, the previous clouding was gone. 

Yes, the guy looking back at him in the mirror was a bit tired. But that would only reflect the hard work he had put in these last few days, and it didn’t mean he was losing control of himself. He was in control. He had been taking his meds. He just needed some sleep. And he fact that he realized that was a good thing. 

So here he was now, in the second floor bathroom getting ready to stand in front of a room full of people, point at his art and say ‘I made this’. He would make some smalltalk and listen to the feedback and they would be on their way back home long before the midnight curfew that the police would be enforcing. Which, of course, had been one of Robbe’s concerns he expressed in their call last night.

_“But they’re closing bars and cafes at midnight. Is your expo going to last until after midnight?” Robbe had asked._

_“No, no, don’t worry” Sander said. “I mean, it starts at 8. And we both promised your mom you’d be home by midnight like a true disney princess...”_

_Sander imagined Robbe rolling his eyes at him ._

_“Okay. So we get to spend 4 hours together. Thats... not too bad.” Robbe spoke._

_Sander sighed and realized he hadn’t exactly told Robbe much about the content of the exposition. “Well... eh... baby...” Sander said, scratching his head. “I will have to be there with my teacher to talk about the art and stuff._ _He’ll be giving feedback. So I might not have time to be with you that much.”_ _Sander explained._

_A silence settled between them._

_“Oh. Yeah, ofcourse. I mean.... It’s silly I didn’t think of that. It’s one of your favorite teachers. Of course you should listen to the feedback.” Robbe said, trying not to sound too dissappointed._

_“But I promise it won’t be the entire night, okay?”_ _Sander spoke, only getting a small hum from Robbe in return. But that just wouldn’t do for Sander. He had to say something to make Robbe smile again. And when he got the idea, he smiled himself. “I will just need to spend the first half of the evening glued to the words leaving his mouth, before I can devour yours.” Sander smirked._

_Robbe could hear the teasing smile through the phone, and he turned onto his back, biting his lip at the prospect of seeing Sander again. Soon. “Stop flirting with me over the phone when I can’t see you for another 24 hours. It’s cruel.”_

_“I’m sorry. But I am serious though. I really miss you._ _The way you smell. God, I miss just looking at you. Holding you. I...”_

_“Sander.” Robbe replied in a warning tone._

_Right. No flirting. “Okay okay. Well, I have to go anyways.”_

_“I’ll see you tomorrow then._ _8PM.” Robbe confirmed._

_“Can’t wait to see you. Goodnight.”_

_“Goodnight baby.”_

Perhaps Sander had only been joking last night when he referenced Cinderella, but as he was now leaving the bathroom and descending the stairs again, he couldn’t help but feel how the story was eerie similar. And he dreaded having to say goodbye even before they had said hello.

Knowing himself, Sander was aware he would probably try once, if not twice, to get Robbe to break the rules and stay with him well beyond the clock striked twelve times. But deep down he knew he couldn’t ask that of him. He knew that Robbe had very good reasons to want to accomodate his mom’s wishes. This had only been the first time where Sander’s freedom given by his own parents had contrasted this much with the liberty Robbe had, so he would have to deal with the situation as it was. 

“There you are...” Mia said, and Sander turned his head hearing the familiar voice. “You disappeared.” 

Sander looked at her and looked up at the stairs he just descended from. “Yeah, I needed a moment.”

“Well, you should really get to the expo room now.” Mia said, eyeing the entrace where a suprising amount of people were walking through despite the whole virus thing. She then turned back to Sander and smiled. “You nervous?”

“About the judgement of strangers on my art or about this being the final night with my boyfriend before he gets locked away in a tower for the foreseeable future?” Sander blurted out. It was both. It was overwhelmingly both.

“Yeah, okay...” Mia said with a frown, a bit unsure on what to answer. So she did what she usually did, which was lean in for a hug. And in that moment Sander knew he was damn lucky to have a best friend who showed up in support of him, despite having been in the running for the same spot. And who would hug him now, despite knowing that she wasn’t the person he wanted to hug right now. 

“Thank you.” he whispered, before he let go of her again. “Is Robbe here yet? Have you seen him? I need to see him before things start.” Sander said while looking through the crowd. 

“Eh no. Not yet. But don’t worry, he’ll be here. Did you guys plan to meet up here?”

Sander shook his head, regret about his decision already sinking in. “I told him I’d be busy the first half of the exposition but I'd find him after. Do you think he’s showing up later? Because he knew I wouldn’t have time for hi...”

“Sander.” 

A pause. He would recognize that voice out of millions. Sander turned around, and looked down the hallway. There he was. And he was.... perfect. 

“Robbe.” Sander whispered. Then he took big strides, and Robbe seemed hardly prepared for it when Sander crashed into him. This was what he needed. “I don’t want to not be able to do this anymore. Tell me there is no more virus and I can take you home tonight.” Sander whispered desperately. 

Robbe let out a breath and held Sander tighter, rather not saying anything. It would be perfect if that were the case, but he knew it wasn’t. The best he could do was change the subject. “I thought you wouldn’t have time, before, I...”

“I don’t. Not really. I mean, I was supposed to be inside the expo room minutes ago. I just...” Sander raised his head from where he had it burried in Robbe’s neck with a deep sigh. “Can I kiss you?”

“Of course.” Robbe replied. He felt like he would cry if he wouldn’t. 

When Sander closed the distance between their lips, they both sighed into the kiss. In the back of his mind, Sander realized it felt a lot like giving up one of the three wishes from a genie. Their kisses were limited to midnight from now on, and that was something he couldn’t just ignore. 

“Fuck, I really don’t want this to end.” Robbe sighed once their lips parted and he leaned his forehead against Sander’s. 

Then Mia cleared her throat, and as if she knew it would take muscle to get Sander to let go of him she already started pulling his arm. “Sander, I just saw Prof. Luyten walk in. You have to get in that room before he notices. Hurry.” Mia instructed. 

“Fuck.” Sander cursed, looking at Robbe with an insecurity he didn’t attempt to hide. “I just wanna leave. We can go, just the two of us, yeah? We can get fries and...”

“Sander, no.” Robbe said, shaking his head. He was smiling, despite the fact that Sander was super nervous. “You don’t run from your art. You run towards it. You’ve been working so hard and I’m so proud of you. Go. Be my briliant artist boyfriend. I’ll be right here when you’re done.”

Sander smiled softly and brushed through Robbe’s hair for a moment. Then he took a deep breath and he let go. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Robbe echoed, nodding as Mia guided Sander with her hands on his shoulders and they both walked towards the entrance of the room, clearly knowing their way around the building. Meanwhile Robbe remained in the hallway, a bit uncertain on what to do until he saw the other people take off their coats and take a flyer so he mimicked them and then walked into the exposition room. 

Mia appeared next to Robbe a minute later, sighing as if she just managed to get a fuzzy toddler to bed. She then turned to Robbe who was looking around the room and smiled, beaming. “You must be proud.”

“I really am. I knew he had this big project but... This is pretty impressive.” Robbe said, making a full 360 to look at all the art now that he had the chance to. Truthfully, getting here he had only focussed on seeing Sander, but now it hit him that he was going to spend all evening at an art event and he had no idea what was going on. But he knew that this was a great accomplishment for Sander. So yes, he was proud. And he knew he wasn’t the only one, as Sander’s parents were also here somewhere, though he hadn’t spotted them yet.

“He made me promise not to tell... But you should know.” Mia then spoke, looking up. “This... He said he owes it all to you. Your patience with him when he works on his art...” Mia explained, “It’s a really precious thing for an artist to find someone who is both their muze and can give them their space to work on their art if they need to.”

Robbe blinked for a moment, not sure what to reply but he knew it was too much praise for him to be able to accept. “Well I’m usually just sitting on the bed on the opposite end of the room, to be honest.” Robbe admitted with a shrug. He didn’t have any contribution in all of this.

“But that’s exactly what Sander needs. He... He really hates being alone. I’m sure he has told you this. He doesn’t like to be alone with his thoughts too often. So when you’re there, in physical proximity.... Trust me, it really helps a lot.” Mia spoke. 

Robbe hummed, because that was a statement he could follow along with. He liked being around Sander, even if they weren’t touching physically. But when they were, it always felt amazing. Sander was the first one to teach him it was okay to touch another boy the way he would have tried to touch a girl. They jumped into a freezing pool naked, and acted as each other’s second skin often. It was almost like Sander redefined the word ‘touch’ for him.

“The reason I’m saying this is... Well, he is so totally gone for you. And he is also someone who needs to be close to the people he cares about, in his life. So even if he may not be able to stand here next to you like I am, knowing you’re here means a lot for him.” Mia said. 

Robbe smiled, nodding. “I know your support means a lot to him too.”

“Well, yeah. But I also came because I knew you’d need a guide for tonight.” she smiled, hooking her arm in his. “So let’s bore you to death with some art, shall we?” 

In the following 45 minutes Robbe learned you’re supposed to stare at the average piece of art for two and a half minutes, and by the time they had scanned through the two walls from left to right, he was pretty much done with it. If it hadn’t been for Mia who continued to try to find analogies to interest Robbe, he probably would have sneaked off into the bathroom and play a game on his phone. But here he was, staring at a one-line drawing. 

And suddenly, as if like magic, Robbe’s lips curved into a smile. He recognized this one. “Oh... This is....”

“It’s great. Just say great.” Mia chuckled, stopping Robbe before he would attempt to say something artistic. 

“No but I can see it’s great. You don’t need to feed that to me.” Robbe chuckled, continuing their evening-long banter.

“Don’t worry Robbe, you’re not the only one who feels a bit clueless here.” Hilde spoke from behind them, and both Robbe and Mia turned around, a bit startled.

“Hi Hilde!” Mia said excitingly, not missing a beat. “You must be very proud.”

“We are.” Frank nodded. “Hello Robbe.”

“Hi.” Robbe smiled. He then quickly glanced around the room to see if rescue was eminent, and when he saw Sander was still occupied with a conversation he turned back to his boyfriend’s parents. Nope, he was solo on this mission. Well... not entirely. He had Mia.

“I heard Sander put himself in quarantaine from the two of you to work on all of this.” Hilde smiled. “I apologize on behalf of my son’s anti-social behaviour. Especially in these times.”

Mia and Robbe both laughed within the permitted volume of the expo. “It’s for the sake of the art so I get it.” Mia shrugged once the laughter had died out. 

“And you, Robbe? Sander has mentioned we might not be seeing much of you in the near future. Everything okay at home?” Frank asked.

It wasn’t an invasive question, but Robbe still felt like he was put on the spot.

Robbe cleared his throat and sighed deeply. ”Well my eh... my mom is taking it all pretty serious. So I’m just going to stay at home for the foreseeable future and see how things go with this virus.” Robbe spoke, trying to sound mature about it and by all means not let his boyfriend’s parents know just how badly he wished their final night together wasn’t spent on opposite ends of the room.

“Well, if I am to believe my colleagues at the faculty, then it might take a while before we have a vaccinne. So I don’t mean to scare you kids, but I don’t think things will be returning to normal for a while.” Hilde spoke.

She looked at Robbe empathically, although Robbe doubted she truly knew how much he had been dreading their separation. Robbe pulled up the corners of his mouth into a smile.

“What Hilde is trying to say is that you kids should enjoy tonight, and you’re always welcome with us once this whole virus thing is over.” Frank then cut in, giving his wife a look, before he looked back at the art piece in front of him, stepping a bit closer to observe.

“Well in that case we will just have to go look at this pieces over there...” Mia spoke, gesturing to the pieces on the other side of the room, hooking her arm into Robbe’s like she had before. 

“Eh.. yeah. Nice talking to you.” Robbe said before he followed along with Mia, who rolled her eyes once they were out of sight from Sander’s parents. He frowned, because it almost seemed like Mia wanted to get out of that conversation more than he did.

“I swear, old people are so ridiculous sometimes. They’re acting like we’re all going to go into bunkers below ground. It’s just a flu.” Mia scoffed. 

That made Robbe blink away from the piece Mia had dragged them towards,which he was pretty certain he had already stared at before. “Except it’s not, though. I’ve read stuff about it. It’s way more lethal than the flu is.” he said as he disconnected his arm and turned towards her unlike their side-by-side stance throughout the majority of the evening.

“For old people. Which is exactly my point. They should be the ones concerned. Not us.”

“I don’t know... It seemed pretty serious when I read about it. They wouldn’t close everything down at midnight if there weren’t certain risks involved.” Robbe reasoned.

Mia shrugged her shoulders. “I’d like to see them try that. I mean... they can’t close every houseparty. Maxim is literally throwing one tonight.” Mia said, and based on her hushed voice Robbe concluded Mia was aware it was frowned upon to throw parties now, but she didn’t seem to actually care about the risks.

“He’s selling tonight, in case you need anything...” She then added with a wink.

And for the next 45 minutes Robbe allowed himself to consider that idea. Truthfully he was running really low on weed. And he couldn’t exactly pick it up easily if his mom was going to be very strict with her rules. And the prospect of Maxim’s houseparty did seem more appealing than saying goodbye at a quarter to midnight to go home. Fuck. 

“Bathroom break.” Sander then spoke in his ear from behind him, and Robbe snapped out of his thoughts, a bit startled by the sudden proximity. Did this mean...

“You’re done?” Robbe asked, unable to hide the relief from his face.

Sander nodded, and grabbed Robbe’s hand, tilting his head to the hallway. A smug grin appeared on Robbe’s face, which Sander matched.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do up there...” Mia warned, and Sander gave her a wink before they left the exposition room as subtle as they could.

“Don’t worry, the rest of the building is empty. Nobody comes up here.” Sander spoke, before he opened a door. He paused and switched on a light, the brightness in the room being a bit overwhelming after a minute or two roaming in the dark hallways of campus. 

“You weren’t kidding when you said bathroom...” Robbe commented as they walked in.

“Do you know how many people I shook hands with the last hour and a half? I’m not taking any risks.” Sander explained with a smile. He then walked to the sink. “Okay eh... Play ‘I will survive’ by Gloria Gaynor.”

“What?” Robbe laughed.

Sander smiled, and nodded. “Trust me.”

And Robbe did. He pulled out his phone and frowned, typing in the song and pressing play on the first search result. 

The room soon filled with the disco-esque song, the tiles echoing the sound.

“You’re supposed to wash your hands to the chorus. You didn’t know?” Sander said as the beat dropped in the song and he started bopping his head, coaxing Robbe into joining him. 

And Robbe wasn’t sure how, or why, but a few moments later he found himself dancing along to a song released 25 years before he was born. The things he did for love. “Shall I make a story out of this?” he wondered out loud, and Sander shrugged. 

And that’s how both of them ended up returning to the exposition hall with smiles on their faces, and Mia gave them a raised eyebrow. “Not what I expected when I clicked that notification, boys.” Mia smiled. 

“Sorry to dissappoint.” Sander smirked.

“Well I can see it wasn’t all clean, though.” Mia said, leaning her head sideways to observe the hickey on Robbe’s neck. 

“Wh... Sander!” Robbe hissed, quickly using his hand to cover. He should have checked the mirror himself. He should have. 

“Don’t worry baby. It’s just something for you to remember me by once you get in lockdown.” Sander teased. 

“About that.” Robbe said, looking at Mia and what she had mentioned earlier. “Can we... stop by Maxim’s? Mia said he is selling.” Robbe asked. 

Sander looked over his shoulders to his parents, and his teacher, and then looked back at his boyfriend and best friend who both seemed to be ready to go and buy weed. 

“Eh... give me five more minutes? It’s only nine forty-five. We got time, okay?” Sander asked, checking with Robbe. When his boyfriend nodded, Sander pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Maybe Mia can help with her concealer skills. Right?” Sander asked. 

“Oh yeah. I can get rid of that in a minute.” Mia said, but Robbe shook his head, reluctantly dropping his hand.

“I’ll... manage.” he said still a bit uneasy.

“Okay. Five minutes.” Sander repeated, as he walked backwards and went up to say hi to his parents. He then got to introduce them to his teacher, and from across the room Robbe could see him beaming, truly in his element.

“So now I can’t get that damn song out of my head. Thanks a lot you two.” Mia sighed as they both observed Sander do his thing.

“You’re welcome.” Robbe smiled amused. At least he wasn’t suffering by himself.

But he also knew he owed Mia a thanks for sticking by him tonight, because he wouldn’t know what else he would have done the entire evening. The brief make out intermezzo in the bathroom aside, he had been mainly here to show his support for his boyfriend’s art. He had been patient, although everything inside of him really wanted to just run up to Sander and kiss him all over. Give HIM something to remember him by. If it hadn’t been for Mia’s guidance and the brief encounter with Sander’s parents, Robbe might have made a complete fool out of himself out of pure desperation. 

Which was why, when Sander finally put on his coat and wrapped his arm around Robbe’s side, Robbe melted into the touch. He felt warm in his boyfriend’s embrace, even though it was just past 10PM in the middle of march and by no means a warm night. 

“Cold?” Sander asked, and Robbe responded by walking a little bit closer. 

“Depends, how far?” Robbe asked, and Sander looked at the street ahead.

“That street over there, to the left. 200 meters at most.” Sander pointed. He then looked aside. “Do you have cash?”

Robbe’s mind drew a blank. Fuck. He didn’t think this through. 

“It’s fine. I’ll pay.” Sander smiled, shaking his head at Robbe’s disasterous attempt at being spontaneous. “Maxim won’t fuzz about it if it’s too much for one payment anyways.” Sander said. He knew his friend, had been indebted to him in the past. It wasn’t a big deal. 

“Well, I feel a bit useless right now, honestly.” Robbe sighed.

Sander paused in his tracks, immediatly wanting to rid that notion from Robbe’s mind. “Why? Cause you didn’t bring money to pay?” Sander frowned. 

“No, no... I just... At the expo too. I... I don’t know much about art. I don’t know what’s good and what’s not.” Robbe said, taking both of Sander’s hands in his.

On his boyfriend’s face, Sander read shame and self-loathing and he realized Robbe was uncomfortable with the idea that he wasn’t supportive enough.

“I just showed up tonight because I hadn’t seen you in a week. And I didn’t even try to make this an us thing because I just don’t know enough about it. And I clearly should’ve asked more about the art so that I could understand it mo...”

Sander cut him off with his lips, eagerly pressing his to Robbe’s and cupping his face with both hands. He didn’t want any of that. Not on their final night. And so he didn’t stop kissing Robbe feverishly until he was certain that he had erased the thought from the forefront of his mind, and his touch turned gentle, until eventually their noses were just brushing each other. 

“Don’t think like that. Please, Robbe, don’t ever think that you need to do more. You are per-fect.” Sander said, stressing the word. “You negociated with your mom to be able to come to my art expo on the eve of a nationwide lockdown due to a pandemic. If that’s not effort then I don’t know what is. Fuck understanding the art. You understand me. And that’s he most important thing.” Sander said, going in for another kiss.

Robbe sighed against his boyfriend’s lips. “So you don’t mind that all I bring to the table tonight is a boner?” Robbe asked, a teasing smile on his lips. 

“As if that’s a bad thing.” Sander replied, before giving Robbe what he was asking for with that comment. The kiss was perhaps a bit too eager, as it caused Robbe to stumble back a step, against the brick wall of the building behind him. Which felt cold, and suddenly he was reminded that they were outside for a reason. 

“Let’s get to Maxim’s and then we can maybe continue this...” Robbe suggested, and Sander bit his lip in response before he pulled them both away from the wall and back onto the sidewalk. 

They approached Maxim’s building no more than five minutes later, and the people were overflowing out of the tiny studio onto the apartment staircase. Robbe checked his phone, indicating it was 10.20 and he knew he had to be at his own house in an hour and a half. He realized they didn’t have time to linger, so he squeezed Sander’s hand who was walking ahead of him up the stairs. “Can you just... go in? I can wait out here. It seems pretty crowded and we should just go to your place as soon as possible.” Robbe explained. 

Sander looked at Robbe, and took a moment to pause before he let go of Robbe’s hand. “Yeah, okay. Sure. Just wait right here, I’ll be in and out.” Sander said. He gave Robbe a departing kiss before he entered the studio appartment and eventually tracked Maxim down on the couch. 

“Hi. Eh... Robbe’s waiting outside so I can’t stay. But Mia said you’re selling.” Sander spoke in Maxim’s ear. 

Maxim nodded and told the girl on his lap to move, before getting up. “How much?”

“Triple of Mia’s order.” Sander replied, then looking around as Maxim gestured to follow him in between the crowd of people. Sander sighed and manoevred his way through, trying to not be in close contact with anyone, and doing the same thing on his way out of the studio a few minutes later. 

Once he got to the staircase he felt like he could breathe again, and he descended one floor to where Robbe was waiting for him. 

“Let’s go.” Sander said, zigzagging through the people gathered on the staircase.

“You got it?”

“Yeah. Like I said, Maxim didn’t fuzz about the money.” Sander assured Robbe. He took his boyfriend’s hand and guided them back out of the building. “So... my place then?” Sander asked as they were on the sidewalk, needing to know before deciding which direction to walk into.

“Sounds good.” Robbe said, but at the same time not moving and drawing Sander in for another kiss. 

They both got pulled out of it when they spotted blue flashing lights in the distance, and Sander cursed, switching into panic mode right away. But while Sander panicked, Robbe acted, grabbing Sander’s hand and slowly walking away from the building’s entrance. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

Behind them, three cops exited the vehicle, and Sander checked the time, realizing they were probably patrolling for the midnight curfew in less than an hour and a half. Perhaps one of the neighbours complained. But either way, they were in trouble if they were searched, considering the amount of weed Sander had in his pocket. 

“Fuck. How many of them? Did you see?”

“Three. Three cops. Two men and a women.” Robbe replied. He wasn’t sure how he had even paid attention in the brief glimpse he caught of them before he made them start walking. “Just keep walking. It’s okay, we’re not breaking curfew.” Robbe spoke, perhaps more to himself than to Sander. Of course he was well aware of the other way they were breaking the law.

“Robbe...” Sander said through gritted teeth. 

Robbe looked aside, and he reminded himself of Sander’s relationship with the police. And he knew he didn’t want Sander to take the risk. “Give it to me.”

“What?” Sander asked, as if Robbe was not making àny sense. He would rather dump it in the bushes than risk Robbe being caught with it.

“The weed. Give it to me. I’m under 18. If they catch me with this I will be in less trouble than you.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“No it’s not. I’ll get a warning, at most. Sander, trust me.”

“Robbe, it’s the police...” Sander replied, in an effort to explain he couldn’t just hope for the best outcome. He had to be sure. And as Sander could spot the cop approaching from the corner of his eye, he bit his lip in deliberation. He couldn’t risk it. 

Robbe obviously didn’t expect Sander’s lips to kiss his in that very moment, but when Sander pulled him closer his natural instinct was not to question it. The kiss was almost as intense as the one before, except Sander’s back was against the wall this time. 

“Boys...” the cop voice then spoke, and Sander cursed in his head. He felt Robbe let go of him while he himself held his eyes closed, regaining his composure. Then Sander looked at the cop, and he tried to figure out if he was gullible in the split second they had before the cop would start talking and asking for their id’s. Sander decided to risk it.

“Sorry. We’re going.” Sander said, and he pulled at Robbe’s arm before they walked away, not more obvious than a couple who just got caught by the cops during PDA. And once they got around the corner and there were no people on the street, the widest grin grew on Sander’s face. It had worked. 

Robbe stopped walking and stared at him with his jaw dropped. “You just... you just did that?” he said.

Sander smiled nervously. “Yeah. I guess I did.”

“How did you know he wasn’t going to question us?” Robbe frowned. 

“PDA makes people uncomfortable.” Sander shrugged. 

Robbe scoffed. “And what if he hated gay people enough to want to find anything on us for punishment?”

And okay, yeah. That was a solid point. “Well, he didn’t.”

“That’s... I mean...” Robbe sighed, giving up on his argument. Sander was right. He hadn’t questioned them. “Whatever. Just... don’t do that again.” Robbe said, pointing a warning finger at his boyfriend with a grin on his face.

“Why? Did I just expose some sort of voyeurism kink or something? Has your condition eh... gotten worse?” Sander smirked, looking down and then up again.

“You are unbelievable.” Robbe said, as he took bigger strides to make their way closer to the Groenplaats. 

“Is that a yes or a no? Baby, where are you going?” Sander laughed, before hurrying after Robbe. 

“To have sex with my boyfriend before midnight. Unless you have other plans?” Robbe replied, turning around momentarily. 

Sander rolled his eyes and caught up to Robbe, and when they collided, the buzz under both their skins was evident. 

“I can’t believe this is the story of our last night before lockdown.” Sander chuckled. 

“Yeah... You weren’t kidding when you said memorable.” Robbe said shaking his head. 

“You love me for it though...” Sander said.

“That I do.” Robbe replied, and he reached out and touched Sander’s hand with his. 

And Sander responded to the touch, as he always did, sliding their fingers in the spaces between each other’s. 


	108. Saturday - 14/03/2020 - 11.35

When Robbe opened his eyes, the light was just coming through his west-faced window, and he blinked a few more times before his brain caught up with the realization that it meant it was late. Like, no longer morning late. He groaned, rolling over to his side and taking a deep breath. The night was truly over, and now he had to face the music of the new normal.

He then felt a different material in his hand, and a smile spread on his face.

_“Can I take this with me?” Robbe asked as he stood by Sander’s chair, where he had one of his hoodies thrown over the back._

_Sander looked up, putting on his shoes again. “Eh...yeah. Sure.” he nodded, before the realization hit him that Robbe wasn’t asking because he was cold right now. Sander’s face softened as he watched Robbe lift the hoodie to his nose and breahte in to scent in confirmation of his suspicion._ _“Will it help you sleep?” Sander asked, and Robbe just nodded._

_They had only just talked about how Robbe dreaded waking up and falling asleep in an empty bed, not just in the weekdays but also on the weekends. Sander mimicked what he had done back when they were still naked in the bed, and he pulled Robbe close into his arms. “It’s okay. I’m gonna miss you too. You don’t have to be brave. We both know this sucks.”_

_Robbe sniffled in his boyfriend’s arms, the tears pooling in his eyes bot not quite dropping yet._ _“I just don’t want to... forget. What it feels like, to be with you. I’m... I’m scared it will undo the progress we’ve made.” He said, tightening his hold on Sander. Almost clinging on for dear life._

_Sander leaned back to look at his boyfriend, and his heart broke because Robbe did indeed look scared. He looked so young and terrified of what these next few weeks might bring. Being stuck in the same house again, and missing on the comfort he got from just being with the person he loved._ _Sander swallowed and blinked for a few moments, attempting to show strength and confidence. In Robbe._ _In them._

_“You won’t have to go back to those feelings from before, okay... I’ll be reminding you every day of how much I love you. You might actually get sick of me at a certain point._ _But even if you do, I will still love you. And most importantly, you will love yourself. Okay? Promise me you will do that. Take care of yourself. And allow your mom to take care of you too.” Sander spoke._

_Robbe looked up at his boyfriend, exuding his older wisdom, and Robbe had to remind himself that he didn’t just need Sander, but they needed each other. Together, in every universe. “You know you can call me at any hour of the day, right? I don’t care if it’s because you want to talk about the weather or show me a drawing..._ _Promise me we’ll still communicate. I won’t know if you don’t tell me, okay? So..” Robbe touched Sander’s cheek with the back of his bent fingers. “Just... let me love you back, okay? You’re not alone.”_

_Robbe then looked down, and softly smiled back up at Sander. “I have a piece of you with me.”_

_“A hoodie? How materialistic...” Sander chuckled, cracking their serious emotional conversation with a joke. But that was okay. They couldn’t be an emotional mess when they had to get going anyways._

_“I was gonna go with you having a place in my heart, but sure the hoodie works too.” Robbe teased._

Robbe bit his lip as he moved the soft fabric to his face, his eyes peaking over to the open drawer where he had pulled out one of his own. 

_He sprinted down the stairs and onto the driveway at 11.56, and Sander laughed a little. “You weren’t kidding.”_

_“Nope.” Robbe said with a self-assured smile. “Now kiss me before she sees us out here.” Robbe said, already leaning in._

_Sander met Robbe halfway, and fully reveled in the butterfly feeling it caused in his stomach. His final wish from the genie, and he had never experienced anything more bittersweet than this. By all means he needed to get to his bed and sleep after the exhausting few days, but he also didn’t want to leave the very tile he was standing on in the middle of the driveway._

_“It’s 58...” Robbe warned when he reluctantly separated his lips from his boyfriend, and showed the time on his phone._

_“Is she seriously going to drag you from the driveway?” Sander asked in disbelief._

_“Do not underestimate my mom.” Robbe grinned._

_“Nah. She likes me too much.” Sander beamed. He knew for a fact that it was true, and Robbe probably knew pretty well that Sander had some leanway with his mom._

_“Tonight was... everything.” Robbe then sighed._

_Sander looked down as Robbe squeezed his hand. He then reciprocated the movement. “Thank you for being there.” Sander said, although he had already said so during the pillowtalk in his bed earlier._

_“I will always show up for you. You know that.” Robbe whispered with his eyes closed, lips just barely a centimeter from Sander as he soaked up the moment. His voice, his smell. The softness of his hair sliding through his fingers. “I love you, Sander Driesen.” Robbe said, knowing it was the last time in a while he was going to say it in person._

_“I love you too, Robbe Ijzermans.” Sander smiled, eyes closed. Then he pressed a kiss to Robbe’s forehead, and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, taking a deep breath in when they were glued as close together as possible. “Now go, Cinderella.” He smiled. Or perhaps it was more Rapunzel now, locked in the tower? Either way, he wanted the comment to be lighthearted._

_“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” Robbe said, carefully taking one step back. “And we’ll keep an eye on the news. The first day is ours, yes? After all this is done?” Robbe asked. Although Sander had already said earlier that they wouldn’t leave the bed for 72 hours as soon as it was permitted for them to be in the same bed again._

_“Yes. The two of us. Together...”_

_“In every universe.”_ _Robbe finished, before finally they were too far apart to keep holding hands, and they let go._

“Every universe.” a sleepy Robbe whispered, staring up at his ceiling. He made the subconcious move to touch his own lips, thinking back to that final kiss, before he realized he was being a bit of a cliché and with a smile on his face at his own love-induced ridiculousness he rolled over to his nightstand.

Grabbing his phone from his charging chord, he silently hoped it wasn’t passed 12 yet, because he knew just how much his mom thought of him as sluggish when he’d stay in bed until lunch. Although the prospect of literally having nothing to wake up for made him realize that his mom might just have to deal with him sleeping in longer. Right now his phone indicated it was 11.36 though, so the damage was minimal. But he should avoid damage in general, and be on his mom’s good side as much as he could.

He sighed, realizing they still had a lot to figure out between the two of them, but for now he’d go downstairs if only in good faith of him getting the the permission to go out last night. The last thing he wanted to do was push her buttons. He had already shown last night that he could work with her to make these next few weeks as good for both of them as possible, and he planned to continue to do so.

He took a breath, the type you take to mentally prepare yourself for getting out of bed. He then made his feet touch the ground, and he got up. Considering between going downstairs to prove he was awake or showering and actually feeling somewhat physically awake, he chose the latter option. His mom would hear the shower from the kitchen anyways, which would be proof enough. With a bit of luck, she was preparing lunch from the final big grocery trip she was going to do this morning, preparing for them to have ingredients for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks the next 10 days. 

Robbe had been able to provide some input on the menu, but for the life of him he did not remember it by heart so he’d let her surprise him. But first he reluctantly allowed the water to rinse away the last 24 hours. And that made him realize that he did now only have memories to go by these next few weeks. However in showers specifically there were plenty of memories available to think of in combination with the events of last night with Sander. 

Without failure, whenever Sander snuck into his mind while he was in the shower, his mind jumped back to that night at the hotel. It would usually end in Robbe literally taking a cold shower, or staying in the shower a few more minutes longer. And he considered both his options carefully this morning. 

Eventually he arrived downstairs with damp hair, texting Sander as he walked down the stairs. 

ROBBE: [You awake yet, Sleeping Beauty?] 

Robbe saw that Sander hadn’t been active on messenger for over 11 hours now, so perhaps he himself wasn’t as bad as he thought for sleeping in if Sander still hadn’t woken up either now that it was five minutes to 12. His ego boosted a little, he decided to double-up.

ROBBE: [I just realized I’m going to have to take a lot of solo showers from now on, and we won’t be saving water anymore by showering together. But I was thinking about you while I was in there though 😉]

Okay that was about enough teasing for quarantaine day one, Robbe decided, and he looked up when he walked into the kitchen, but he frowned when he couldn’t see his mom, just the grocery bags on the counter. Which made him squint his eyes. “Mom?”

Robbe walked through the entire kitchen and looked outside but he couldn’t spot her. His heartbeat sped up. “Mom?!” he asked, louder this time. Then he listened for a good ten seconds. Silence. He then took another look at the unpacked groceries, which was unlike his mom, and he realized something was wrong.

Fuck, he cursed in his head. He walked over to the living room, although there would be no reason for his mom not to respond to him if she was in there. But he still checked, and when he saw a shadow on the floor, he walked closer to the window where his mom was sitting on the floor wedged in between the window and the couch, her arms hugging her knees and staring ahead of her. 

“Mama? Hey....” he said, immediatly slowing down his movements and lowering himself to his knees. “Mama? It’s me, Robbe.” He said, smiling when she finally blinked and looked up at him. He could see in her eyes she recognized him, and some warmth returned to her face. 

Then, it returned to sadness. “Oh Robbe... It’s... It’s bad. The people, they just don’t... They don’t listen, Robbe. They don’t listen. They don’t listen.” Ilse repeated. 

Robbe frowned, and leaned against the couch before he looked outside, trying to identify the best course of actions. But it wasn’t like he had many options.

“What people, mama?” he decided to ask. Then he remembered the bags of groceries. “At the store? Were people hoarding?” Robbe asked, recalling the news from last night that supermarket sales had spiked Thursday and Fridays. 

Suddenly he felt guilty for not going with his mom to the store this morning. He should have known it would be overwhelming for her. And he had no idea how long she had been sitting here like this. By the looks of it, she had a hard time breathing. “Breathe mama. You’re gonna be okay. Just breathe. I’m here.” he said. Which, yeah, he was. But what was that gonna help? It wouldn’t bring her much more comfort. 

Then, Robbe looked up, and he reached for the bottle of disinfectant on the coffee table. “Here.” he said, while pumping a bit on her hand, and when she didn’t move them herself he used his own hands to help her. “It’s okay mama. You’re not going to get sick. And I’m okay too. Look, my hair is still wet from the shower I just took.” Robbe said. “And I washed my hands as soon as I got home last night.”

Ilse looked up and nodded at him, and Robbe could tell she was finding her breath again. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Robbe nodded in confirmation. “We’re all good, okay? You got groceries for us. So we won’t have to go to the store again, okay. No more pushy people. Next time they will listen to the doctors like you’ve been doing, okay?”

Ilse nodded but Robbe could tell she wasn’t entirely with him just yet. Her thoughts were still elsewhere, and her newly disinfected hands went back to grabbing her knees. But he knew she couldn’t stay there sitting on the ground. 

“Mom, we’re gonna sit on the couch okay.” he spoke before he reached out for her upper arms, and he pulled her upright with his best effort, considering she was not cooperating at all. Eventually he got her to stand, and he got her to the couch and wrapped a blanket around her – the one that was freshly washed because it smelled strongly like lavender. 

“What can I do mama? Do you want me to call the doctor?” he offered, hoping she would say yes before he would mess up and she would end up getting hurt again. 

“It’s on the groceries...” Ilse then spoke in a monotone voice, and Robbe almost didn’t understand her until he realized she was talking about the packaging. He sighed, and looked over at the kitchen before looking back at his mom. “I’ll clean everything, okay.”

“It’s already in the house. I... It’s not safe anymore. I made the house unsafe.” Ilse whimpered.

Robbe looked at her, and could tell she wasn’t really looking back at him, slipping away from rationality. Which meant that he was officially out of his depth. 

Then his phone buzzed in his back pocket, and when he checked it he sighed at the timing of Sander’s reply message. Robbe didn’t hesitate two seconds to press the call button. He then looked back at his mom and took her hand in his, assuring her he wasn’t going anywhere. 

“Hey. Thanks for the wake-up visuals...” Sander smirked from the other side of the line. 

“Sander... Not now. I.. Eh... I came downstairs and found my mom freaking out. Things apparently didn’t go well at the supermarket.” he said, and as he said the words his mom started a repetition of ‘no no no’s’ and fearful expressions. He bit his lip and removed his hand, walking into the foyer from where he could still see her and she could see him, but he wouldn’ trigger her further with what had happened as he explained. “Sander, I don’t know what to do. She is really panicked, and like... she keeps repeating ‘no’ and she...”

“Okay, okay. Eh... yeah.” Sander said, and Robbe imagined he was snapping out of his comfortable waking-up bubble fast. And he hated himself for having to do that. For having to drag Sander into this. But he was lost. And they did say they would communicate.

“It eh... it sounds a bit like she’s having a panic attack, maybe?” Sander suggested. 

“Yeah. Yeah it does. Or... I don’t know.”

“Repetitive thoughts. Spiraling... Is she breathing well? A panic attack can make it hard to breathe sometimes.”

“Eh... It wasn’t going so well earlier. And now I feel like she’s not entirely breathing properly either.”

“Okay. Okay, eh... Well, I’m no expert here, okay? You should call her doctor and check with them. But if you do want to calm her down, try this.” Sander said, as he instructed Robbe to get his mom to pay attention and focus her thoughts, so Robbe recited Sander’s words. 

“Mom... Mom, we’re going to try something, okay? I need you to think of five things you can see. Five things you can see. Around you. Here.” Robbe said, causing Ilse’s eyes to snap away from their fixed gaze on the succulent on the coffee table. 

She blinked, stared at her son, processing the task.

“Eh... tv. Eh.... Plant.” Ilse said, her eyes bouncing from corner to corner of the room. She waited a while to say something else, but eventually. “Lamp. Painting.” she said, chosing two items next to each other in the room. Then she turned to her son. “Robbe.” Ilse spoke, smiling at the final one. Robbe smiled back. 

“Good... Good... Now four things you can touch.” Robbe said, his voice patient as per Sander’s instruction, while he also checked to see if her breathing evened out. 

“Blanket.” “Rug.” Ilse said, shoveling her feet over the fluffy rug. Then she subconciously touched the clip in her hair, and pulled it out. “Hairclip.”she said as she placed it on the coffee table and rested her hand on it. “Table.”

“Is it working?” Sander asked on the other side of the line, and Robbe hummed in confirmation, not wanting to break his mom’s concentration. 

“How about three things you can hear?” Robbe asked, and Ilse focussed her hearing to the sounds in the room. “Clock.” she spoke, looking at the clock but fortunately to Robbe not really registering the time on it. “Birds.” she said, then looking out of the window. 

“Smell next.” Sander spoke ahead of his cue through the phone, and Ilse looked up at Robbe, smiling. “Sander?”

Robbe nodded, biting his lip apolegetically. ”Yes, it’s Sander. He says hi.” Then he remembered what Sander had said. “Two things you can smell?” 

Ilse took a deep breath in through her nose, strong smells hitting right away. “Your deodorant. And disinfectant.”

“And one thing you can taste.” Robbe finally said. 

“Mint gum from the package in the car.” Ilse replied, with a small frown. That package must have been in there for at least a year now.

Robbe sighed in relief. That was it. It worked, and his mom already seemed much more calm. But she also seemed sad.

Ilse took another deep breath, and she leaned forward, her elbows on her knees and her face covering her hands. Robbe was 90% sure she was crying. 

“Hey... mom, it’s okay. It’s okay.” he said, moving closer to her on the couch and eventually he realized he couldn’t comfort her properly while he was still holding onto his phone. “I’ll call you later okay?” he said, and when Sander replied with a soft ‘of course’, Robbe hung up the phone and took both his mom’s hands in his. 

“I get that it was scary to go to the store. I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” Robbe said. 

“It’s okay.” Ilse said, and for the first time Robbe heard a sense of maternal comfort in her voice that she had been missing so far. “It’s just... the people were so selfish. I tried to keep my distance but they would push their cart against my heels and reach for items in front of my face and I guess I got a little overwhelmed.” she said, then releasing one of her hands to be the one to cover theirs. “I’m sorry you... you had to see me like that. I don’t want to worry you.”

Robbe shook his head and shrugged. “It’s okay. You don’t have to hide.” Robbe smiled.

«You... you seem tired.” he said, quickly realizing that wasn’t exactly a compliment. “How about you... eh... stay right here. And I’ll try to make us some lunch. And we’ll just eat here, on the couch. And when you feel up for it, we’ll deal with the groceries. Okay?” Robbe said, already getting up. 

“What are you going to make that’s not going to burn our kitchen down?” Ilse frowned, and Robbe looked over his shoulder while walking to the kitchen. 

“I am an expert at croques by now. Guess you didn’t know that yet.” Robbe bragged.


	109. Sunday - 15/03/2020 - 09.28

“You know you’re truly such a gentleman.” Nina said, looking down in wonder at the breakfast Senne had prepared for the both of them. Or, well, he went and picked it up from the bakery around the corner. But it was the thought that counted. 

“Yeah well, I kind of got schooled in the whole ‘morning after’ thing just last year so...” Senne smiled as he took his own seat on the opposite end of the table. He had been awake and decided he wanted to do something nice, not only for Nina but also for himself. He had a bad habbit of not eating breakfast and having someone to share it with in the morning had been helpful this past year. 

“You mean with your ex?” She asked, her head tilted in curiosity, but there wasn’t any jealous on the surface of that question. Which didn’t mean that it was something that came out of nowhere. She had wondered, of course, about the story there ever since they met. But with them officially dating now, it seemed like the right time to talk about it...

“Hmm?” Senne asked, chewing on his croissant. He was giving himself a few more seconds to prepare. Because while he always had the intention to talk about this with her, he wasn’t expecting it to be brought up in his sunday morning breakfast surprise.

“You learned to do the whole relationship, morning after thing with your ex?” Nina repeated, just to get any misconceptions out of the way. “I mean... it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.” she then said quickly, once she saw Senne sigh deeply. 

Senne looked up and shook his head. “No, no... That’s not it.” he said. “I want to tell you, I just...” He took a deep sigh and leaned back. He rested his hand on the back of his head, and blew out through his mouth. “Yeah, eh.... Okay. Short answer, yes. She was the first person I’ve ever dated. Cared about deeply. Enjoyed spending more than one night with... All that stuff.” Senne said, followed by slow nods as the heaviness of that confession hit him. He really did not have a good track record with relationships, did he? 

Nina nodded, and tried not to make it too obvious that she was a bit... intimidated by that set-up. Obviously she knew things didn’t end amazing with his ex-girlfriend, so put her in the position to try and change his mind – that relationships could actually work. But it wasn’t a challenge she wasn’t up to. “And the long answer?” she finally asked.

“The long answer is... a bit of a weird story...” Senne said, while he tried to gather his thoughts. 

“Weird?” Nina asked, tilting her head. 

Senne looked up and tried to figure out the best way to explain the story, and how to help himself remember the obstacles and the rollercoaster of his relationship with Zoë.

“Back in highschool I... I didn’t do relationships. I didn’t really committ. But I slept with girls. One of them was this girl named Amber.” Senne spoke. And as he thought back to what felt like a different lifetime, he figured chronologically it was a good starting point. 

He smiled when Nina nodded, clearly taking down notes mentally. And Senne knew he had to make this story clear to a third person perspective and that wouldn’t be easy.

“Amber was... really eager. And her friends tried to..” Senne chuckled. “Well, they tried to explain to Amber that I was a fuckboy. And one of those friends who really just didn’t like me was Zoë.”

Nina nodded, indicating she still wanted to hear the story now that Zoë’s name had been dropped. Because that was all she knew. A name. A name and the fact that there was a bit of a bad history. But everything else was a mystery. And she knew she could have done an instagram deep-dive right now to find out everything about this girl. But she hadn’t. Because she didn’t care about her perspective, she cared about Senne’s.

“And after I upset Amber because I didn’t want to date her after our one night stand, Zoë called me out for being the fuckboy that I was. And she had every right to, and I realize that now. But nobody had done that before and I... I got interested in her back then, I guess.” Senne explained. As if it was that easy. 

But in a sense it was. The answer to when he became into Zoë was the moment she confronted him. Luka had asked him that question in the following weeks, Milan had asked that question on their anniversary... He knew that their story had started because she stood up to him and make his world spin.

“Because she told you you were a fuckboy?” Nina frowned, her somewhat neutral opinion on Zoë seemingly shifting, but she wasn’t entirely sure where it was shifting towards. Or maybe it was more her opinion on Zoë, and finding out what he was like before they met, that was causing her to see things differently.

Senne shrugged. “Yeah. There was just something about the concept that she didn’t care for who I pretended to be. She saw through it all. And yes at first my interest in her was superficial.” Senne admitted. “But the more she ignored me the more I started to realize it wasn’t because she was playing hard to get. It was because she had a strong moral compas. And that’s when I really fell for her.”

Nina leaned back, showing she was somewhat impressed with the story. 

“I spent a few months trying to find an organic way to talk to her. And then freefest came around and so I invited their group to brainstorm ideas. I had to go through Amber to convince Zoë to show up.” Senne recalled. He decided to leave out how that gave Amber the wrong idea, again, because it didn’t seem relevant to the story. 

“Zoë got pissed about that and she made me promise to leave Amber alone. In exchange, she would go on a date with me.” Senne said, looking out the window. This apartment didn’t have a view of the river like the other apartment, but this window was east-oriented so it was close enough. 

Nina frowned, and bit off part of her toast, her thinking face on while she was chewing.

"She sure made you jump through a few hoops... And she was really not interested in you?”

Senne shook his head. “No. No, she even made it very clear on our date that I was a horrible guy and that nothing was ever going to happen. But then that very same date something also shifted. I think she was saying the words out loud, that she hated me, while simultaneously realizing they weren’t true.”

Nina put down her toast and tried to imagine it. All that came to mind was The Notebook, and some big romantic gesture. Which made her wonder... “Where was the date?”

That made Senne smile. “Linkeroever.” he spoke, realizing he hadn’t been back there in so long. Not that there was much for him. But in a way he had been avoiding it, and he hadn’t realized that prior to this moment. “We were... by the waterside.” he said, replaying the memory, just allowing himself for one moment to think back to that moment, freeing himself of guilt from doing it when his current girlfriend was sitting in front of him. 

“At the waterfront I was able to show her my perspective of things and I think that made her start having these feelings which she then started to fight really hard.”

Thinking back at it, Senne realized it must have been pretty exhausting for Zoë to deny their chemistry for so long. 

“Then finally, I confronted her on what was going on between us. And at first she told me off. Maybe because we were at a party with loads of people and it was her first instinct to push me away when she saw me in a setting like that. So I actually left the party. Had to heal my wounds from the rejection a little.” Senne smiled. 

“Aw, poor you.” Nina said, reaching out for his hand. 

Senne looked down at it and squeezed hers for a bit, before he bit off another part of his pastry, while considering how to continue the story. 

“To my surprise she actually found me outside and then out of nowhere she kissed me. So... on that night after dozens of ‘fake’ rejections she finally stopped pretending and we were together from that moment.” Senne said. 

“Phew, that’s a lot of struggle to start a relationship with someone.Glad it wasn’t that exhausting for the two of us.” Nina laughed, feeling relief from finally knowing the story. But then she saw the look on Senne’s face, and she realized there was more to the story. Which, obviously there was, otherwise it would be Zoë sitting on this chair, and not her. “So... then you were happy? Until last december?” Nina asked. 

Senne tilted his head from one side to the other, indicating he neither agreed nor disagreed with that statement. “We... had a lot of obstacles at the beginning. I got into a violent fight to defend my friends. Which she didn’t approve of.” he explained, the tone in his voice making it clear that it was one of the many things he was going to be mentioning. “We were fighting because of it, and my brother took advantage of it to spread lies about me.” Senne said. 

He was looking down, not wanting to look anyone in the eye when he mentioned Viktor because he knew he had no kindness on his face when he talked about his brother. He forced himself to take a deep breath while thinking back to Viktor’s manipulation. 

“He actually took advantage of her while she was drunk. Took pictures of her while she was naked. So while we had just made up from the fight about violence, this new thing was growing in between us. Because she didn’t talk to me about what happened that night. And the way my brother told me, he made it seem like they had consensual sex. So I was the one who got mad this time around, and I pushed her away for it. I was so done at that point, I was ready to leave town.”

Nina frowned, the back of her mind registering that Senne was able to walk away – run away - from something because of this ordeal with his brother and his girlfriend. “And go where?” Nina decided to ask, instead of asking about the brother.

“London.” Senne spoke, scoffing at himself. It was the most ridiculous plan, but it was a destination and at the time that was all he needed.

“But you... obviously stayed?” Nina concluded. 

“Yeah. Because she made me stay. She had been manipulated by Viktor into believing what he had also told me. That they had sex. But she found out it wasn’t true. And she reported him for those things, eventually. But I... I was stupid enough to believe my brother over her.” Senne said, trying to keep his own guilt from slipping in through his voice. He was still angry at himself about that. 

“She was a victim of sexual assault. And I couldn’t... I couldn’t leave her. She... she fought for me to stay. Reminded me I didn’t have to leave when things got hard. Told me she had found out the truth. And part of me was relieved but I just couldn’t see a way for it to work.” Senne said, recalling his intention to still leave even though he seemingly no longer has a reason to

“She... told me I wasn’t the cold guy who could just walk away from something like what we had and she was right. I just needed two minutes alone in my car to process, I guess. But I eventually reversed the car and I comitted to her in that moment. To us, and to support her while she testified against my brother.”

Nina looked at him and blinked, trying to wrap her head around this whole thing. “Wait so... Your brother took advantage of her, made you both believe it was consensual and then you believed... okay yeah he’s your brother. You... It was a bro-code thing then? That you believed him over her?”

Senne shrugged, not knowing the answer to that. “I don’t know. I think... because Zoë didn’t know the truth herself, and she didn’t want me finding out in case Viktor was right... She had been acting really weird. And I knew Viktor could be persuasive. But I... I don’t know. I have no excuse for that. I didn’t question my brother’s claims, and I didn’t give Zoë the time to explain herself.”

Nina blew out some air, with raised eyebrows.

“Holy shit. That’s... I mean that’s heavy. And it’s one story if she actually slept with him but you’re saying he actually manipulated her and sexually assaulted her?” she asked, just to confirm that the story was literally any girl’s nightmare scenario.

“Yes, pretty much.”

Nina bit her lip at that reply. Because she knew it meant that she had to adjust the way she saw Zoë. Because while she wasn’t jealous or hated her simply for being Senne’s ex, she had seen some wounds in Senne and she always just attributed them to her. But perhaps in reality, they were all caused by his brother. “I think I’m good not meeting your brother. Like, ever.” Nina said. 

Senne laughed a little. “Same here. I chased him back to the Netherlands where he studies, and he’s been there ever since. There’s actually a restraining order.” Senne smiled proudly. 

“Good. That’s... good. And it does make me think differently about Zoë. I mean... I get why it’s still part of you. Your relationship seemed very... intense. Nothing like I’ve ever experienced. And you were still in high school.” Nina said. Then, a thought came to mind. “Wait... this was last year? Is she 19 too?” Nina asked. 

Senne shook his head, realizing he hadn’t mentioned that part. But considering he had mentioned he lived with her, it wasn’t weird for Nina to assume she was older. “She’s 17 now. So she was 16 at the time.” Senne said, confirming with a nod what that meant for his brother and the consequences.

“Yeah, I can’t even begin to imagine what it was like going through all of that at age 16. But she is so strong... I mean... She amazes me, truly. She is so independent and fights for what she believes in. And when that was us, she fought for us too. But then the whole trial against my brother just...”

Senne sighed. “It found its way between us. She struggled with her role in the process and balancing that with our relationship. She didn’t want to talk to me about it and I may have pushed her too hard. I just... I wanted Viktor to pay. But I wasn’t paying attention to the price Zoë was paying.” 

Senne looked up at her and shrugged. “It just ate away at us. And then we were living together and our roommate got a boyfriend and it was just kind of obvious that something between us was a bit broken in comparison.” Senne said, looking down again. 

In hindsight he wished he would’ve done more to pull them back on track. He wished he would have given them more breathing room than he had. He wished he didn’t have to compare them with young love and come to the conclusion that they were unhealthy in comparison. 

“And yeah, she dumped me but that’s more of a practical thing because she took the decision that we both needed. I’ve realized that. And so now it’s... it’s over. And we’ve both moved on and that’s good.” he said, finally looking back up again with a smile. “Cause then I met you.”

Nina smiled back, and squeezed his hand one more time. “Good. And you did learn how to pick up delicious breakfast from her so I’m not complaining...” Nina grinned. 

“Actually...” Senne said, having to give credit where credit was due. ”That credit goes to Sander. He’s eh... the boyfriend of our roommate, Robbe. The way Robbe explained it, Sander apparently dissappeared in the morning causing Robbe to panic but then he walked back in with fresh croissants and... I mean yeah,even I was a bit impressed as I stood there in the kitchen.”

“Well, thank you Sander in that case.” Nina smiled.


	110. Monday - 16/03/2020 - 20.03

“I hereby officially announce the first digital broerrrs meeting in session.” Jens said, clapping his hands together in his best CEO-impression.

“What do you mean you announce? Dude, who made you the boss of OUR channel?” Moyo protested. 

“Eh, I edit and publish all the videos. That makes me like...” Jens snapped his fingers trying to come up with the word. “Editor in chief.”

“Does it even matter though?” Robbe asked, while simultaneously repositioning the camera angle so he could lean back a little. He had a feeling this was gonna be a long videocall. 

“Yeah sure, Mr Editor in Chief... Then explain to us how the fuck we’re going to be filming videos for the channel in this whole quarantaine mess? Have you thought about that?”

“No... But that’s what we’re brainstorming.” Jens said, before taking a deep breath. “So our last video was three weeks ago. But we can’t film on Wednesday like we had planned.”

“Oh, we’re not filming Wednesday? Why didn’t you mention this earlier?” Aaron asked in confusion. 

“Dude... do you even watch the news?” Moyo frowned. “There is a whole thing with the safety council and shit. We can’t even go to school anymore. The skatepark is also closed, everything is being shut down like some sort of apocalyptic videogame landscape. It’s a bit creepy to be honest.”

And Aaron had to admit he hadn’t really been paying attention. But between Amber, school and videogames, he kind of just chose to tune out his mom and dad’s lecture on the whole subject. All he knew was that it didn’t really affect young people, and he didn’t have any living grandparents anymore so the chances of it being dangerous for him or anyone in his nearby family were slim. 

“We could always just film from our homes and then like, paste them all together?” Aaron suggested, without even looking up at the camera because he knew the idea would probably just be shut down anyways. He tapped the back of his pencil onto the notebook of his math homework and waited fort hem to move on from the suggestion. But when that didn’t happen right away, he looked up after all, and he saw the boys with growing smiles, nodding in favor of the idea. 

What? They actually thought it would work? “I mean, like... you see those tiktok edits sometimes. That are like, interactive despite the fact that they were filmed by two different cameras. We could do something like that?”

“Yeah, yeah... I’ve seen some of those videos.” Moyo spoke. “Where they, like... pass stuff around.”

“Okay but that’s still a bit vague. Eh... Aaron, Moyo, how about you both send some examples into the chat this week and then we’ll decide on what we’re going to do concept wise.” Jens said, while he grabbed his phone and added a reminder for later in the week. Because just like during the vacation weeks, not having school would probably throw him off regarding what day it was. And then it was Sundayevening before he knew it.

“Look who’s taking this whole boss thing too serious with telling everyone what to do...” Robbe grinned. Not that he minded. But he figured he should probably pitch in. “What can I do?”

“Actually.” Moyo said, grabbing his phone. “Can you talk to that spraypainting crew Noor knew back in the fall? Because I saw some amazing work on insta... Hold up, I’ll show you.” he said, while scrolling through his own feed on his phone and keeping the other boys in the conversation waiting for a while. “Here. This one. It’s sick, right?”

Jens agreed excitingly while Aaron’s expression was a bit blank, and Robbe seemed a bit confused by it. 

“What?” Moyo asked when he saw Robbe’s reaction. “Is it a problem? I thought you and Noor were chill?”

Then again, Moyo never understood why Noor was so chill with everything that had transpired last fall, so he wouldn’t blame her if she decided to give up on the act of trying to be friends. And he was still convinced it was mainly an act. No 16 year old girl he had ever met would be totally fine with being a gay dude’s beard for 2 months.

“We are. I mean... yeah. But I don’t know the people she knows. You better ask her directly.” Robbe explained. 

“Doesn’t Sander know them too? I mean... You told us that whole story about that one night.” Jens asked.

“Yeah yeah, the thing with the moonlight!” Aaron said excitingly. 

“Yes.” Robbe said, sighing deeply. “But again... I’m not Sander. Ask him yourself.”

“You’re... kind of the same person at this point though...” Moyo shrugged. “With the amount of time you two spend together... You’re like a buy one get one free combo.”

“Okay okay... We’re not talking about buying people here.” Jens said. “But... Robbe, can’t you just find out who did that piece? Noor, Sander... It doesn’t really matter.”

Robbe rolled his eyes and sighed deeply. “Fine. Fine, I’ll ask. But for the record, we’re not able to meet each other either. And last time we did we literally got the cops on our backs, so...” Robbe said. He wasn’t sure why he threw that in there, but as he realized he did he saw the reactions coming from the boys and he regretted it. 

“What do you mean?” Jens asked. 

“Was there a fight?” Aaron asked. 

“No no it’s.... It’s nothing big. Just the cops patrolling for the midnight lockdown thing. And we were in the middle of it. We had just bought weed, so we couldn’t be stopped by the cops. Luckily Sander is pretty creative.” He said with a subtle little sidesmirk.

“Where was this?” Moyo frowned. He certainly hadn’t seen any cops patrolling at his neighborhood.

“Eh.... Stadswaag. Friday, after Sander’s arts thing.” Robbe recalled.

“Oh, okay. But then… You’re not seeing each other? I mean, you told us about your mom, I just figured Sander would be an exception...” Jens shrugged. 

“Yeah no, the rules are households only. I was on the phone with Amber for an hour this afternoon, because we probably won’t see each other for the entire time these rules apply. Which seriously sucks cause I haven’t had seks in a long time and a guy has needs.”

“Okay, Aaron. TMI.” Jens sighed. 

“How is that TMI? Why can Robbe talk about it and I can’t?” Aaron asked while the other boys were all just shaking their heads. 

“I’m not talking about anything like thàt.” Robbe said in defense. Nor would he. Like… ever.

Jens sighed, trying to find a way to bring the message across without sounding harsh. “It’s just that you can be soo... unfiltered sometimes.”

“Especially about Amber.” Moyo cut in. 

“Well she is my girlfriend...” Aaron reasoned. He sighed and threw his hands up. “I mean, at least I have one. Can’t say the same thing about you two idiots...” Aaron said, while he checked his phone to see Amber had replied to his message which he sent right before the beginning of their Zoom-call.

“No, you’re right. But I’m good with that right now. I don’t really need anyone right away...” Jens shrugged. He then decided on another background, and checked the results of it on the screen.

“Yeah eh.... so are we done here?” Moyo asked, seemingly eager to end the call which was something the other boys picked up on. 

“Eh Moyo, anything you need to tell us?” Robbe asked.

“Yeah... How’s Laura?” Aaron grinned. 

“Jup, okay, we’re done.” Moyo said, before he disconnected the call, and Jens, Robbe and Aaron all laughed. 


	111. Tuesday - 17/03/2020 - 16.03

“And if they don’t have sweet potatoes?” Moyo asked, going over the list in his hand to make sure he knew all of the ingredients on there so he didn’t run into any awkward surprises at the supermarket. 

“Then you bring regular potatoes.” his mom replied.

That tracks, Moyo thought to himself. “Okay. I’ll be back before dinner.” he said as he headed towards the door. 

“Dinner? That’s in three ho...” Moyo’s mom was cut off mid-sentence by him closing the door behind him, and he tucked the grocery list into his pocket. A few minutes later, and one insta picture later, he started walking in the direction of the Villegas park.

He looked down at the cobblestones under his feet, listening tot he crew’s choreo song – acquinted by The Weekend – through his earplugs. As a result he almost didn’t see one of the cars speeding out of the street. His eyew grew big as he realized he was just almost hit. His feet seemed clued to the ground for a moment, while the car centimeters away from him honked the horn to get him to move. He did, stepping onto the sidewalk on the other side of the road and then watching the car speed away. 

He sighed deeply and cursed at the way people seemed to not grasp the concept of a speed limit. Then again, it was also partially on him for not checking when he crossed. But what could he say, he had a girl on his mind and she had been distracting him more than once in the last 24 hours.

Which is why the prospect of seeing her in a few moments was something he was looking forward too. Even if it meant him doing the groceries, so he’d have an excuse to leave the house despite the lockdown rules. Hashtag lockdown hack.

When he walked up to the park, the first thing he noticed was how empty it was. It was 4PM in the afternoon, and even on colder days like this there would be moms with kids everywhere, and little kids playing soccer, bikes piled up against the fence and people walking their dogs at the dogpark. 

Now, Moyo counted less than ten people. Two moms were arguing about if it was still safe to have their scheduled playdate for this Sunday. When Moyo walked by them, he realized his own siblings were supposed to go for an afternoon at his aunts to play with her kids, like they usually do on Sunday afternoon every two weeks. He guessed that wouldn’t be happening now.

He could only hope that the alternative wouldn’t be for him to entertain them all day. Because as much as he loved his siblings he would need to find his peace and quiet at the house if all of them were going to be stuck in there together. He simply did not feel up for babysitting.

Unless perhaps it would be under the disguise of taking them to the park like he was doing now, so he could meet up with Laura more often. Moyo knew Laura had a younger sister. They could make it a thing.

Laura greeted him with her typical warm smile, raising her arms to give him a hug but then deciding against it. “Eh, how do we do this...” she asked with a chuckle, but without making anything awkward.

“Eh... Like this.” Moyo said, kicking out his foot. This made Laura laugh, but despite the ridiculous look of it she touched her shoe against his, before they both sat down on the bench. 

“Yeah so....” “Yeah, this sucks.” They spoke simultaneously. 

They both laughed, looking at each other and drawing the attention of some of the people in the park. What, now it was not allowed to laugh?

“I eh... I’m glad we can meet here, though.” he said, hoping he was saying what was on both their minds. And when he glanced aside to see if he was right, Laura nodded. 

She was sitting in the spot where the ground was scraped away below her feet, causing them to dangle a little because she wasn’t that tall. Both her hands were holding onto the bench right next to her knees, and Moyo caught her biting her lip. Her shoulders were tense, despite the swinging motion of her legs making it appear like she was relaxed.

“What’s up?” Moyo asked, deciding to ask.

Laura looked up and shrugged. “Nothing. Just... this sucks. The danceoff getting cancelled. No more meeting up with the crew. No more... nothing.” she sighed, running her hand through her hair while flipping it over. After a quick moment of looking at the few playing children in front of her, her gaze returned to the scraped off ground beneath her feet. 

Moyo leaned in a little, even though it wasn’t really allowed, to get her attention. But she didn’t look up at him. “Yeah but we could still meet up? You live a few streets from here, we can just pretend that it’s coincidental and fuck what other people judge us for. I was actually thinking, cause you have a sis-”

“We’re relocating to the beach.” Laura cut in. Now she finally looked up. “We have an apartment there. My dad thinks it’s better if we wait things out over there. Less people and stuff...” Laura shrugged. In it’s essence it was good reasoning. There was nothing tying her to the city. Nothing anyone but the two people on this bench knew about, and even they hadn’t admitted it to each other. 

“Oh.” Moyo replied, his mind not able to form an articulate response. Up to this point he had seen the whole lockdown thing as managable, because he knew he’d still be able to have some secret meetups, like this one right now. 

“I didn’t just want to tell you over text.” Laura explained, and the way she said it made Moyo frown. Because the way she said it indicated something. 

“Why?” he asked.

“You know why, Moyo...” Laura said, rolling her eyes at him. “Because of this. Because of the way that I’m seemingly willing to break the rules for you. Because I enjoy spending time with you. Especially when it’s just us, and not the entire crew. You make me laugh. But now I’m...”

Now she was crying.

And Moyo never felt more aware about the fact that he had arms attached to his shoulders than in this very moment. Except he couldn’t use them. Fuck, this sucked. “Laura, come on...”

“No, Moyo. This just can’t happen. It won’t happen, because I’ll be moving away for however long this takes.” she said, wiping the tears from her face. It could be weeks. Months even. “And it’s just not a thing that we should take any further, I think. For both of our sakes. It’s...” She got up from the bench. “It’s easier.”

“Easier? What do you mean? Laura, we’ll still have dancing after all of this. We can still see each other once you get back...”

“The Danceoff is once a year. There’s just not gonna be one for 2020, and so there won’t be any more training for it with the crew either. I know it’s the original reason why you joined in the first place so I can just tell the others you dropped out.” Laura said. 

“Can I have any say in that myself?” Moyo spoke, getting up from the bench now too. “I don’t want to quit the crew because there’s no more Danceoff. I like it there. The people there are nice. I’m not just there to see you, if that’s what you think.”

“I just don’t want things to be weird between us.” Laura spoke, looking up at him through her lashes. 

“You’re the one walking away.” Moyo said, before he tucked his hands in his pockets and looking down at his feet, indicating he wasn’t going anywhere. 

And so Laura sighed deeply, knowing she deserved this, and she gave him one more regretful smile. “Sorry Moyo. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

And then she walked away, although Moyo wouldn’t know once she was actually out of the park because he simply just sat back down and cursed at the damn existence of this virus for ruining his chances with her. 

Then, he saw the moms from earlier look at him angrily, and he realized he had just yelled ‘fuck’ a bit too loud. And suddenly his annoyance with this whole park grew and he got up, walking in the opposite direction as where Laura walked off into, and he soon found himself back between the houses lining the streets of Berchem.

He sighed, remembering he had groceries to pick up when he felt the folded paper in his pocket, and he grabbed it out before he mapped out his route to the nearest supermarket, while his mind was trying to process the information. 

He came to the conclusion that with lockdown, it would have certainly been tricky. But he would have wanted to opportunity to try. To figure out if this girl that blew his mind so often while they were at the gym, making fun and dancing together, could be more than a friend.

Hell, he would have settled for friends, just about anything that didn’t include her moving to the other side of the country. Then at least they could have stayed in touch. But she had all but slammed that door in his face just now. 

It was a bit of a bitch move, if he thought of it. To do this in person. To take this many risks just to blow it all up. He was left with... nothing. Not even a final hug. 

Maybe it was for the best he dodged the questions from the guys in the videocall yesterday. They would probably ask some questions for a little while, but soon enough they would forget all about it and then maybe he could forget about it too. Forget about her.

He just needed to find the right thing to distract himself for the time being.

Now where the hell were the sweet potatoes in this store?


	112. Wednesday - 18/03/2020 - 11.07

Sander hesitated for a moment to videocall. Especially because this wasn’t just a moment of them sharing their current surroundings with one another like what they usually used videocall for. Sander had videocalled Robbe to show him one of his works in progress in the past. And Robbe had once videocalled him at the mural. They would do it on occasion. 

But now they were forced to use it as a primary source of communication for a conversation that Sander really rather had in person. But they couldn’t. So this was second best. And he hated applying anything second best to his relationship. 

But here goes nothing, he thought. 

The screen on his side of the call loaded immediatly, and he cursed at himself for not checking in the mirror before starting the call, quickly ruffling through his hair a bit. Then the black screen turned to a blurry view of the ceiling – Robbe's bedroom ceiling – followed by a position switch to Robbe’s face. 

“We’re doing a videocall?” Robbe asked, his voice still laced in sleep and he yawned as if to bring more attention to the fact that he was a sleepy mess and still in bed at 11AM on a Wednesday. But who was going to judge him, there was no school to go to.

Sander laughed, he couldn’t help himself. “Eh yeah. So get up, so I can look at your beautiful face.” he smiled.

Robbe groaned on his end of the call, but he smiled nevertheless. He put his phone down for four seconds, during which he stacked the pillows behind him to sit a bit more upright, and he ran his hand over his face to wake himself up a bit. “I’m awake. What’s up?”

“I just wanted to see you. And this is the only way I can now. So you better get used to it.” Sander explained. 

“But it’s not always gonna be this early okay? Can we just... i don’t know, send me a quick message first? So that I can make myself look somewhat presentable?” Robbe smiled.

Sander nodded. He could do that. It only seemed fair. Then, Sander leaned in a bit closer. “Oh baby your hair looks horrible. I so wish I could run my hand through it.”

Robbe pouted and used the little screen in the corner to try and adjust the brown curls on the top of his head. When it looked somewhat presentable, he gave Sander a thumbs up. 

“I also wanted to... see how things are going. With you, and with your mom?” Sander asked. 

Robbe tilted his head, smiling because Sander was still checking up on him even if they weren’t physically together. “It’s nice you ask.” he said, before taking a deep sigh. “Eh... Mom’s... okay. Ish. I don’t know. She tries to be brave but there’s also days where she will be talkig to the plants and I get a bit worried.”

Sander leaned his chin on his hand, and twisted his mouth. “Any more panic attacks?”

Robbe shook his head, sighing a breath of relief. “No. But she hasn’t been back to the grocery store either. She said she wanted to go to another store. Like, not a grocery store but somewhere else that there might be people but where she could leave whenever she wanted to. Cause she felt like she couldn’t just leave the grocery store without food...”

Sander frowned, generally agreeing that controlled exposure was probably the best strategy in this case, but.... “Eh... baby, you do realize they’re closing all the non-essential stores today, right?”

Robbe frowned, shaking his head. “No... that’s... Oh, fuck.” he said as he realized it was announced by the safety council. That was today. Damn, he was already starting to lose track of his days. And he would also have to go tell his mom they couldn’t go to the store. After all he had been the one who said they could try it, and that he’d go with her. She had stopped listening to the news for her own good, so it was up to Robbe to know these type of things. “Yeah, then I guess I’m gonna have to go tell her that we can’t go. I will figure it out. Somehow.” he sighed. 

“Anything I can do to help?” Sander asked, a bit concerned at seeing Robbe already a bit overwhelmed by all the measures to keep track of. Then again if it wasn’t for his mom providing him an update at breakfast each morning, he probably wouldn’t know where to start either. 

“No, I don’t think so. I just need to...” Robbe waved his hand. “Find a system. I guess. A method to keep track of everything. School’s also been a mess, because smartschool crashed already. So it just kind of all sucks right now. And I wish I could just be with you right now.” Robbe pouted. 

“I wish that too.” Sander replied, looking down at his hands that he had folded in front of him on the table, just aching to reach out. “But school will figure itself out. I mean, I read they would set up assignments online and stuff?”

Robbe nodded, rolling his eyes thinking back to that dreaded e-mail he received from their principal on Monday. “Yeah well... my teachers don’t move the cursor off the screen when they play a youtube video so I doubt they’ll actually be able to manage online assignment. I’ll keep you posted on how the boomers do with the technology.” he winked. 

“Boomers...” Sander chuckled shaking his head. He kind of hated that term himself. He personally didn’t identify with gen Z at all so this concept of generations just all seemed a bit weird to him. His mom always used to say he was not a 21st century spirit in most ways, and she had a point in that. His favorite music was Bowie. He liked his analog camera over his Canon DSLR. He preferred walks in the historic center of the city over the new modern buidings at Eilandje. He was an old soul, that much was true. 

“Maybe I should just go and talk to my mom now, actually. Might be a bit easier on her if she knows. Unless there’s anything else?” Robbe asked, but he was already halfway getting out of bed.

“There was eh... something else.” Sander spoke. Perhaps he was just trying to find ways to delay the ending of the videocall, but this also didn’t come out of nowhere. He had been thinking about it since the weekend.

“Yes?” Robbe asked, encouraging him to elaborate by sitting back on his bed.

“I... I was thinking about Friday. The thing with the cops. I’ve sort of been thinking about it a lot, actually.”

Robbe’s smile dropped, and he swallowed. “Yeah… Look, Sander, I’m so sorry that happened.” he looked away from the camera for a bit, realizing he hadn’t properly apologized for it because they got caught up in the rush of it being their final night. But the truth was that Robbe was the reason they got into that position. And he did feel some guilt about it. Perhaps reading it on Sander’s face brought out his intention to make up for it. “I know the cops make you... anxious.” Robbe spoke, checking with Sander if he was describing the feeling correctly. 

Sander sighed deeply, deciding to let Robbe say what he wanted to say first. Then he nodded. Yes, anxious was roughly accurate to describe how he felt about his encounters with PZ Antwerp.

“And I know I was the one who put us in that position. And it makes me feel bad. Because I was a bit selfish about going to Maxim’s...” Robbe said. “So... i’m sorry about that.” he said, lifting the corners of his mouth into an apolegetic smile.

“You couldn’t have known the cops would show up. And I did agree to go pick it up...” Sander replied. He then waited for a reply from Robbe, but when he only shrugged, Sander repositioned himself in the chair. “But, now that we do kind of realize it was risky. I was thinking and I think I wanna lay off the smoking for a bit.”

Robbe looked at the camera and arched his eyebrow. “Seriously? Just as we got all that stuff?” he frowned. 

“Well, I mean... I’m not throwing away what we got.” Sander assured him. The last thing he wanted was for their encounter to be for nothing. “But I just didn’t like that you were willing to take the fall for me. That kind of made me realize that it’s actually not something that’s legal despite how easy we have access to it.”

Robbe nodded, looking away. He knew it was true. But he also couldn’t help but feel he was in a reverse Breaking Bad episode where his boyfriend, who had connections to a bunch of people who broke the law on more than one occasion, was now telling him about the dangers of it. But okay yeah, Robbe could follow that logic.

“Plus, it also isn’t good for me with my meds and all. So I think it’s just better to quit overall. I just... I don’t need it anymore. I don’t feel that on edge anymore like I used to. Before...” 

Robbe leaned in closer when he could tell Sander was getting a bit shy. “Before me?” he asked, delighted. He knew that was the answer because Sander had told him before.

Sander nodded, not scared to admit the positive effect meeting Robbe had on him. “I feel more... in control. Less like I’m being put under a magnifying glass. Less pressure. So I just no longer need something to take the edge off.”

Robbe let the information sink in, and he nodded. He could get along with that idea. In a very cliché sense, they could just use love as their drug. Wow, yeah okay no that was truly a cliché, and no way was he going to say that out loud. 

“Are you okay if I still smoke?” Robbe asked, curious as to if he should even ask. Or would the good boyfriend thing to do be to just automatically quit out of solidarity?

“Well, you said you don’t have anything anymore beside what we got Friday... And that won’t get you thàt far.” Sander teased. He also knew that Robbe had gotten it last weekend just for the sake of having some around, and that he wasn’t one to smoke frequently either. But Sander could see him gravitating towards it more now that he was at the house the entire time.

“No, true...” Robbe said, seemingly coming to that realization a bit late. But it wasn’t like he could’ve bought 5 kg. He sighed and looked back at the camera, nodding. “Okay. Then I’ll join you. After I’ve finished the stash I currently have, that is.” Robbe agreed. 

“Robbe, I was just kidding. You... you can get more. I can put it in your mailbox or something. I don’t have any problem with it, honestly.”

“None of that. Nope. I’m serious. I can quit smoking, I’m not addicted to it or anything. And I won’t be hanging out with the boys so they can’t peer pressure me into it. No I... I think this is the best time to see if I can go without it. Lockdown experiment.” Robbe decided. 

And who was Sander to deny Robbe of a scientific experiment. “Okay. What do you say you message me when you wanna smoke the last one and we’ll do it together. Ceremoniously.” Sander smiled. 

“You’re such a dork sometimes.” Robbe replied, before agreeing to the pact. “I should go talk to my mom now. I’ll message you later today, okay?”

And Sander realized he wasn’t ready to end the call quite yet. “Send me pictures of that rice thing you and your mom were going to try to make. I’m curious to see if it works out.” Sander said, recalling the chat from two days ago in which Robbe mentioned his uncertaintly on if he could pull it off.

“You just want proof of my culinary fail.” Robbe replied, in their typical banter. 

“Maybe. We both know I’m the better cook between the two of us anyways.” Sander said, knowing he had bragging rights after Robbe managed to burn two croques recently.

“I have other skills though.” Robbe said with a teasing smile. Then he got up and walked to the door of his room. 

“Sure you do baby. Oh, you’re taking me downstairs. Okay.”

“Yeah. My mom will want to see you if I tell her I spoke to you.” he explained before he walked into the kitchen. “Mom, say bye to Sander.”

Ilse turned around a bit startled, and then dropped her reading glasses on her nose to look at the screen. “Oh, there he is. Hi Sander. And eh... bye Sander?”

Sander laughed and waved at Robbe’s mom, before he sighed deeply as it was just him and Robbe again. “I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.” Robbe said.

Sander ended the call and took a deep sigh, his head falling back in between his shoulders. This whole lockdown thing was going to be so damn hard.


	113. Thursday - 19/03/2020 - 21.36

“Yes, yes. Now it’s working.” Zoë said while holding her thumb up. 

After a few minutes of struggling with the technology, they had finally managed to have their first lockdown videocall. 

“Yeah sorry about that. This phone is new and the buttons are pretty sensitive.” Yasmina smiled. 

“No problem, don’t worry. Did you get it for your birthday?” Zoë asked, resting her shoulders against the wall behind her to sit a bit more comfortably. 

“Yes. It’s not the latest model, but I did really need a better one. The storage of the old one would always randomly fill up as a glitch so I could never download stuff.”

“Oh, yeah that’s not practical. Did you have a good birthday otherwise? Did you celebrate, while you still could?” Zoë laughed. Unlike now, where birthday parties wouldn’t be a thing for a while. She imagined having a birthday during the lockdown would be pretty sad, as there would be nobody to physically celebrate with aside for the person you’d be quarantained with. 

“Yes, yes. It was fun. Had my favorite food for dinner, and pretty chill otherwise. I don’t like to make a big deal about it anyways.” Yasmina shrugged. 

“With your parents? And your brother?” Zoë asked, and Yasmina nodded in response. Zoë hummed. “Are you also with them in this whole lockdown thing, or...?”

“Yes, pretty much. Me, mom, dad, Elias. Which will already be interesting.” Yasmina chuckled. “You?”

“Eh... Milan, probably.” Zoë sighed. “Or... the jury’s not out yet if he’s going to Utrecht. But he doesn’t feel like packing so... he’s probably just staying here.” Zoë explained. 

“If packing is the only thing stopping him....” Yasmina frowned. 

“I know, I’ve offered to pack for him.” Zoë replied. 

Which she then realized sounded a bit too much like she wanted Milan to leave. And that wasn’t the case. But she did love packing. And she also wouldn’t want something like packing to stand in between him and spending time with his family during lockdown. 

Zoë knew that wasn’t a thing she considered for herself. When she first heard about this idea of people quarantaining themselves, her parents were embarassingly low on her list. Then again, she was pretty sure she wasn’t high on theirs either, so it still worked out. And if Milan ended up staying, then she’d at least have some sort of family around. A chosen family. But that was good enough.

“But Milan isn’t the worst option though. And Lisa, is she staying?”

“No. She actually left yesterday. And you’re right, Milan isn’t the worst. He’ll keep me entertained.” Zoë chuckled. She then looked towards the hallway, and sighed deeply when she heard Milan talk to Jonathan about Eurovision getting cancelled yesterday. “Though he is really sad about Eurovision. He called it... wait how did he say it... eh... Gay christmas.” 

Yasmina laughed, and shook her head slightly. “Oh poor Milan.”

“Poor me! I have to live with him and his whining for a cancelled holiday...” Zoë replied. “Speaking of... Ramadan is soon, right? Or... I mean... I know it’s in spring, usually.”

“Yes.” Yasmina said with a deep sigh. When she saw Zoë frown, Yasmina shrugged. “We don’t really know what that’s gonna be like. “ Yasmina said. 

She recalled ramadan last year, and how they’d have Iftar with the extended family. She would have milk with dates to break the fast, and then whatever her mom had prepared. She knew most of her mom’s recipes were for at least 8 people, twice the amount that was in their household, because they usually had that many people over. If it was now just going to be the four of them, the recipes better be cut in half, because that amount of food waste wasn’t something Yasmina could support.

It was an ‘if’ that was becoming more and more a reality, as the news reports came in day after day suggesting ‘social distancing’ and to not interact with people outside of the werid household.

“Will it be very different if you have to, like, stay home?” Zoë asked, curious to the way that this affected other people’s traditions. There was Milan who had to give up on his ‘holiday’, and Yasmina who would experience a whole different holy month in her religion. Two very different things, but still affecting her friends significantly. 

“I mean, Iftar is usually a big thing here at our family. My mom cooks a lot of food. But like... a LOT.” Yasmina emphasized. “So if it’s going to be just us then that whole ‘eating together’ vibe will be missing. Cause I eat with my parents all the time, you know?”

Zoë nodded, tilting her head. “And they’re closing the mosque too and stuff, right?”

Yasmina nodded again. “Yeah. So it will make Ramadan way less... social. Less extroverted, but more introverted in a way.” Which, in hindsight was perhaps also a good thing. Perhaps it would give her more time to be grateful and spend more time in prayer. 

Additionally, not having to go to school was a benefit too. If things stayed the way they were now, she’d be spending the month at home and she could time when she’d work on assignments, which would overall help her balance school work and her religion a bit better. 

“I just feel like the whole world has kind of come to a standstill. I mean, it’s so weird.” Zoë spoke. “Things you usally don’t pay attention to. Like... crossing the border. None of us have ever experienced closed borders before, and now all of the sudden It's a thing we’ll have to keep in mind...” Zoë said.

“Yeah, it’s pretty weird how in times like these you kind of forget the luxuries we have. That’s also why I like Ramadan... It’s a time to be thankful. To reflect, and just to be connected to Allah.” Yasmina smiled. 

And she could tell by the way Zoë was smiling at her that she understood. Yasmina appreciated that more than she’d be able to put into words. Because the alternative was having to answer a whole series of questions of people only trying to figure it out so that they could avoid saying or doing the wrong thing. But Zoë wholeheartedly was interested in how it had a personal affect on Yasmina, and that was part of te reason why she felt comfortable talking to her about this. 

She couldn’t imagine having this conversation with Amber for example. 

“By the way did you see that English assignment? I heard from the people in sixth year that they only had to do the essay about one chapter last year. We have to read the whole book?” Zoë frowned. 

“Really? That’s unfair.” Yasmina scoffed. “It’s not because we’re all inside that we’ll... Well... Okay maybe that’s the case. I mean, I have been doing a lot of reading.”

“Yeah me too. But it’s different when it’s for school.” Zoë said, picking up the book that she had already put on her nightstand. She sighed, and looked at the thickness of it. “I guess I should get started on this, actually.”

Yasmina tried to figure out where she had left her copy, and looked over at the pile of schoolbooks across the room. It was in there, somewhere.

“Good luck reading.”

“To you too. We’ll talk with the other girls some time this weekend, yeah?” Zoë asked. 

“Sure. Bye.”

“Bye.” Zoë smiled. 

And when the call was ended, Zoë switched on the little lamp on her nightstand, and pulled the sheets a tiny bit higher, before she folded over the first page of the book. 

Here we go, she thought to herself. 


	114. Friday - 20/03/2020 - 19.29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning, this chapter might make you hungry. I apologize in advance.

“Yeah I know that mom. And I know that you and dad would like to spend some time with him. But I’m not going to bring my boyfriend to Utrecht to be quarantained with my family. Then he’ll want to break up with me and we’re all stuck together.” Milan said, while leaning against the kitchen counter. 

At the kitchen table Zoë was laughing while pricking her salad onto her fork, trying not to let Milan’s mom hear that she was listening in on this call, on speaker, as Milan had suggested himself. But she had to admit, it was the most entertaining thing this week. 

And it wasn’t like Milan wasn’t enjoying is either, because he kept making silly faces whenever his mom was rambling on. 

“No mom, we’re not breaking up already. But he totally would if he had to have dinner with you guys every night for however long this lockdown lasts. So just accept that we’ll visit after this is all over and the borders are open again.”

Milan’s mom on the other end of the line reluctantly agreed with the delay of meeting who she referred to as her ‘son-in-law', a title Milan had often told her not to use. But Milan couldn’t blame her since this was his most stable, long-term prospect relationship so far. 

“Yes, I’ll tell him you said hi mom.” Milan smiled, mimicking ‘i won’t’ to Zoë who tried to contain her laughter.

Milan knew that both Jonathan and his parents were up for meeting, as they had both mentioned it a few times. So far, his parents had only seen pictures of him, and pictures of them. But for now, Milan thought that was enough. He didn’t feel the need to tell his boyfriend his mom had said hi. The more he could keep those two entities seperate for a while longer the better.

Because for some reason he equated Jonathan meeting his entire family to being seen as the ‘son of’. It wasn’t like he was ashamed of being his parent’s son. They were some of the most hardworking, honest and genuine people he had ever met. But he couldn’t be more different than them. His pride was both in being their son and being the opposite of them in every way possible.

“But eh, mom, Zoë is glaring at me for talking on my phone so loudly in the kitchen so I’m gonna go now or she won’t let me eat her food anymore okay. Love you mom. Bye.” Milan said, and once his mom had returned her goodbyes he ended the call. 

He looked at Zoë who gave him an incredulous look, and Milan rolled his eyes. “This isn’t the first time I blame something on you. Sorry, it’s a bit of a habbit, I admit.” Milan said with a grin. 

“Like what?” Zoë frowned, before biting on a cherry tomato. 

“Like if my mom says I look like I haven’t slept much. Then I’d say you and Senne kept me up all night with your lovemaking.” Milan smirked. 

Zoë rolled her eyes, and pointed her fork. “That’s rich coming from you.”

“Yeah well let’s just conclude that these walls are very thin, okay? I told Robbe the same thing back when he lived here. Poor kid was a bit embarassed though.” Milan recalled. 

Zoë smiled, shaking her head. “You really shouldn’t pressure him with talking about that.”

"Yeah yeah, I know. But I just told him it sounded like he had a good night. I promise I never made it too obvious.” Milan said, as far as he could determine if his own teasing was perhaps a bit much for others to handle. 

“Hmm.” Zoë hummed by chewing, making it clear that she wasn’t convinced Mlan hadn’t made Robbe feel awkward.

“And what about you then? I’m sure you’ve made use of that one drawer in your room...” Milan winked. 

Zoë almost choked on her salad, and took a sip from her water before looking at Milan. “I’m eating Milan.”

“Yeah well, I just feel like we need to set up some ground rules if we’re gonna be stuck with each other for a while.” Milan said, tilting his head. 

“There’s no rules to be made about thàt though.” Zoë said, getting up with her plate. “Aside from not bringing in any hookups into the apartment.” she spoke in the echo of the sink. 

“And also not going out to hook up with people, right? Cause that’s also not how it works...” Milan added. 

Zoë hummed in confirmation while she finished her glass of water. Then she turned around. ”And we have to keep it clean here otherwise too. So no piled up dishes, no laundry all over the place.”

“Yeah okay, I can work with that. And you have to say, I’ve been better at the dishes lately, right?” Milan smiled. 

Zoë smiled back, and sighed. “Yes, you have.”

“Okay then. Team Zolan quarantaine is ready to go. Now, eh.... do you have any food?” Milan said as he gave Zoë his sweetest puppy eyes. 

And that’s how Milan ended up with a second serving of Zoë’s salad. Which wasn’t filling enough to his liking, so afterwards he sat in his room watching netflix with a bag of chips next to him. 

“Baby, the crunching is really starting to bother me.” Jonathan spoke through their ongoing videocall as they were simultaneously watching this movie. 

“Okay, pause.” Milan said, instructing both of them to hit pause at the same time. “Well it’s because Zoë only had a salad. So dissappointing.” Milan pouted. 

Jonathan laughed and gave Milan that look. “Baby, you know it would be way less dissappointing if you were to just kook for yourself, right? Make some nice food? Do some mealprep?” Jonathan suggested. 

“That sounds like a lot of work.”

Jonathan shook his head. “Not if you do it smart. Create mealplans... Make several portions of the same dish and then you can use them on rotation.”

“You know, I grew up eating the same 10 things for dinner every night. That got super boring after a while, so I don’t know if I’d want that...” Milan spoke. But truthfully he was just looking for excuses, and they both knew it. 

“When this is all over I’ll cook for you, okay? How does that sound.” Jonathan said, knowing he could sweet-talk Milan in just about anything with the promise of food. “But you have to promise me to stop stealing food from Zoë. Because now that it’s just the two of you she’s gonna notice more, I bet.” Jonathan warned. 

And he did have a fair point, Milan thought. “I mean... I guess I can stop by the store and get some frozen pizzas or something.” Milan considered. Although their freezer wasn’t really that big. 

“Or just get some flexible ingredients. Stuff you can use in several ways. Potatoes... You can boil them, mash them, make fries with them... Some mince? You can make meatballs, you can make a casserole...”

“Yeah yeah, you’re making me hungry. Stop it.” Milan laughed. 

“Okay. So... continue the movie then? With less crunching, if possible?”

“I’ll try. But I wish I could just share this bag with you though.” Milan sighed, holding up the bag to the camera. 

“Oooh... Salt ‘n pepper. My fave.” Jonathan smiled. 

“I know.” Milan nodded, before he bit his lip and sitting up a bit more. “Jonathan... we’re gonna be fine during this whole lockdown right?” Milan then decided to ask in a completely uncharacteristic way. 

It seemingly caught Jonathan off guard a bit too, and he frowned, trying to find the right words to make his boyfriend feel at ease which was clearly necessary. “Yes, Milan. We’ll be fine. I love you, and that’s not gonna chance just because we can’t be in the same room together. And yeah, maybe it will be a bit less spontaneous when we talk. But that’s okay, because we won’t have anything else to do but annoy each other with making plans to do videocalls.” Jonathan smiled. 

Milan allowed himself to imagine it for a moment, and then dramatically fell into the pillows on his bed. “Ugh, I hate this lockdown already. What the hell...”

“Okay, once you’re done with the theatrics can we press play on the movie again? I kinda wanna see it.”

“Sure.” Milan said, before reaching for the spacebar and pressing it down, allowing the silence between them to return as they both focussed on the movie again. But in the back of his mind something lingered. And he absolutely hated it.


	115. Saturday - 21/03/2020 - 09.50

Watermelons. Pineapples. Cats. Rainbows. Or perhaps the flamingo’s after all? 

Luca sighed and stared down at her feet, wiggling her toes, before looking back at the sock-drawer in front her her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to decide if she kept digging deeper into the drawer. Perhaps if she had six feet, she wouldn’t be in this position. Perhaps she should just mismatch her socks more often... 

Either way, she had to make a choice for the day and so she covered her eyes with one hand while grabbing two little balls of socks, throwing them on her bed behind her. She then closed the drawer, cursing when the skin of her finger was squeezed in between it for a brief moment, and she rolled her eyes at her own lack of proper coordination. 

Turning around and sitting on the bed, she smiled when she saw the rainbow and watermelon pairs on the bed, and put one of each on her feet. The cool thing about this was that she’d get to wear the opposite socks tomorrow, so in a way this was always a two-day thing even if only one day was all about supporting a good cause. 

With her socks and pink ‘girl gang’ sweatshirt on, Luca finally made her way to the living room with a small yawn. Not that she was in a rush, since it was currently 9.52. Her mom usually got breakfast on the table between 10 and 10.15 so she knew she would have to fill the time until then. 

“Morning mom.” Luca said as she took a seat on the living room couch, knowingly staying away from the kitchen where her mom was making their traditional saturday morning family breakfast. In the past she had occasionally tried to help, because the idea of enforcing the stereotype that the mom always had to cook just didn’t belong in the 21st century anymore. But this was a Christine thing, not a mom thing. Her mom simply loved to cook, and Luca was close to capable of burning pasta so they had wisely decided against her contributions. 

“Morning.” her mom said, while smiling over her shoulder, before turning her attention back to the waffle iron. She then looked up at the other doorway where Luca’s dad greeted the entire family and he sneakingly picked one of the strawberries from the counter before being chased out of the kitchen by his wife, and taking a seat at the breakfast table. 

“Hmm, waffles.” Luca’s dad smiled, as usually pleasantly surprised.

“Yes. It has been a while.” Christine said as she approached the table, which was Luca’s signal to get up from the couch and join her dad at the table. 

“Eh, Dirk, love. That won’t do.” Christine then said, looking at the socks on her husband’s feet. “You know what day it is today, and those may be two shades of black because of one being more worn than the other, but that’s not the tradition.” Christine said, before continuing walking towards the table, where she placed the first batch of waffles down. 

“What? Two shades of black? Come on dad, where’s your wild side?” Luca smiled, and her dad gave her a look. 

“I put all of that into making you, kiddo. You got all those genes from me.” he laughed, before getting up and walking away from the table with a delicious looking breakfast. He better hurried to get back before there were no more waffles left.

Her mom watched him walk off and clicked her tongue. “19 years we’ve been married and I have to be the one to remind him of these type of things every single time.” she mumbled.

Luca smiled while sliding a strawberry off a fork into her mouth, and she ducked her head under the table. She saw her mom’s left feet had a white ankle-sock on, while her right had blue sports socks. Nothing too exagerate, but still in dresscode. 

Luca smiled proudly, while she grabbed her phone and scrolled through instagram. She looked out to the terrace, considering to take a picture with her feet on the railing after they had finished breakfast, so that her friends would have the rest of the day to see the post and respond with their own picture. 

“Better?” Dirk asked, kicking his feet up in the air one by one, a brown sock on his left and a black sock with white batman logo on his right. 

“Perfect. Now let’s eat.” Christine said while pressing a kiss to her husband’s cheek. 

Aside from waffles and strawberries, Luca helped herself to a small bowl of oatmeal while listening to her parents debate weither or not her grandmother's big 80th birthday party was still going to happen in September. 

When her mom decided to throw in a ‘if she survives that long’ the entire family started laughing as they usually did, knowing that Luca’s Nana was one of the healthiest 80 year olds, still volunteering at the nursing home around this time every Saturday. They could all joke about it, but she might just outlive them all and Luca’s mom had often told her they had good genetics with lots of strong, healthy women in their family.

“I’m full. I’m gonna take the picture outside for instagram. Where do you want to do the call?” Luca asked, looking around to see where they could all three set themselves up for a videocall with Luca’s aunt. 

“Just the dining room, I think. Let me clean this up first, you go do your little photoshoot.” Christine smiled, urging her daughter to hand over her empty plate so that she could start doing the dishes. 

“We’re using that zoom thing right? She knows how to do it?” Dirk asked as he brought the remaining strawberries back to the fridge, picking one off for good measure. 

“Yes. The nurses will help setting it up, I e-mailed them last night to confirm. So if you could set it up already, that would be lovely.”

Luca then closed the door behind her to tune out her parents conversation, and looked around at the green trees that lined the edge of their backyard. She then grabbed one of their terrace chairs, and realized it hadn’t been cleaned since summer and was covered in dirt, having been outside all winter. With more work than she had originally planned, she reluctantly grabbed the water hose and cleaned off one of the chairs before wiping it down with one of the towels from the laundry line of drying clothes – her mom had been busy this morning. 

Then, finally seated, she put both her feet up and displayed her socks, then angling the camera of her phone and taking a few pictures. She swiped through them, decided on a filter, and a few moments later watched as the picture appeared on her instagram profile. 

Then she posted another picture in her story, instructing the challenge that she was giving her friends, before she tucked her phone back into her back pocket and made her way inside again. 

“Yeah, but put the computer a bit back so she can see all of us.” Christine instructed while her husband was angling the screen of the laptop and then pushing it back a bit as per his wife’s instructions. 

“Are we ready then?” Dirk asked as Luca sat down next to him and looked at herself on the screen.

“Yes. I’m ready.” she confirmed, already grinning. She looked forward to this call, because she loved making a special effort for her family and friend’s birthdays. And her aunt’s birthday wasn’t any different. 

“Hey Julia!” Luca’s mom first smiled as soon as they established the connection and they could see each other on the screen.

“Hello everybody!” Luca’s aunt waved at them from the screen. 

“Okay time for the annual sock check.” Luca announced, pulling out her phone and showing the pictures she took earlier.

“Awesome!” her aunt replied. “What about you guys? Christine? Dirk?” 

“They’re old aunt Julia. You can’t expect them to kick their legs on the table. But I can -”

“Eh, I do not go to yoga every weekend for nothing.” Christine cut in, before putting her feet on the table one after the other, causing a radiating smile on her sister’s face. 

“Okay but papa can’t do that. So trust me, aunt Julia, mom just sent him back upstairs to make sure he is following dresscode today.” Luca said, while reaching to give her mom a high five, and her dad mumbled in between the two of them. 

“Anyways... Happy birthday! How does it feel to be 45?” Luca asked. 

Usually she would be a bit less direct, but she knew her aunt didn’t mind the boldness, usually being pretty direct in her own questions herself. 

“Good. Good. But I wish you could’ve come here like we planned, though. I still don’t get why you can’t just come here? You’re not sick?” Aunt Julia asked, clearly a bit upset. One of the nurses off-frame put a hand on her aunt’s arm.

Christine sighed and leaned in a bit closer. “I know, Julia. But the government has made certain rules for everyone’s protection. The nurseshave explained that already. And I know it sucks we can’t be with you, but this is also fun, isn’t it?”

Luca observed her mom and the patience she carried when talking to her younger sister. Despite her intellectual disability, Luca’s mom had never treated her sister as any less, and that had been the image Luca has grown up with. Her aunt had Down Syndrome, and they had a close relationship. On this day, which was both world downsyndrome day and her aunt’s birthday, they hadn’t missed a call in 10 years. It was a tradition, and one that Luca looked forward to.

“Aunt Julia, did you get any new hot male nurses? Do you still talk to that guy who wanted you two to get married?” Luca started, continuing their talk from a while back with almost no effort.

They had stuff to talk about, and while this was a call with their entire family, after half an hour Luca’s parents gave their best birthday wishes and then they left the dining table. Luca contiued the conversation for a little while longer, sharing the replies from her friends to her insta story, which made her aunt beam. 

“I promise once this is all over, we will try to visit you, okay? Say hi to everyone there.” Luca said once they were finally ready to end the call. 

“My niece says hi to you all!” Julia yelled behind her to the common area of the assisted living group she was residing. The nurses next to her laughed. 

Luca waved at her. “Don’t forget to wash your hands, and I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Bye Curly!” her aunt smiled, and Luca smiled back at the nickname she had carried since she was 6 years old. 

“Bye aunt Julia.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to all the amazing nurses in assisted living like the one where my own aunt lives. I'm sure during these corona times their care has proven even more valuable than usual and they often don't get enough credit for it. 
> 
> Also - 10 chapters left!


	116. Sunday - 22/03/2020 - 17.27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is probably the most intense writing session since the 100th chapter because it required so much research. It required rewatching half of Wtfockdown to properly create the several tie-ins to the story, which made it very complex. 
> 
> I'd really like to hear what you guys think about the inclusion of the wtfockdown plots in this fic as a bit of a prequel? Let me know in the comments or dm me on twitter (@TayaTinkerbell) 
> 
> Enjoy!

What’s for dinner?” Jens asked as he hopped down from the stairs, seeing his mom walking through the hall with a full laundry basket. 

“Eh... I don’t know. Fried rice or something. Quick and easy.” his mom replied as she walked into the living room. “Can you help me fold, please?”

Jens looked at the full laundry basket and with a sigh he took a seat on the couch. This wasn’t why he came downstairs when he got bored from playing videogames all day. Then again, sitting on the couch and moving his hands in repetitive motions wasn’t much more exhausting than what he just spent hours doing. “Sure.”

He then grabbed some of the shirts from the laundry basket and looked up at his mom who gave him a warm smile. Which Jens knew he had to take advantage of. “Is it okay if I eat fries tonight? I haven’t had any on Friday because of Lies’ birthday dinner...” Jens argued. 

His sister had turned 13 and so they had eaten her favorite – pasta alfredo. Which Jens didn’t mind. But his friday fries were just a tradition that he wasn’t going to relent on during this whole lockdown. 

“The one in the center lets you pick up the meals, just not eating in. But I can be back home to eat with you guys...” Jens suggested. In the meantime he folded some of his own shirts, then moving on to the towels. 

“Yeah, sure, I guess...” his mom replied, before she seemingly thought of the next household task that she needed to complain. “Just grab from my wallet what you need. I need to do the sheets. Dinner at 6.30.” she said while already running back upstairs. 

Jens smirked at his succes and continued folding the laundry for a few minutes before placing the laundry basket as the bottom of the stairs where he knew his mom would find it. 

He then made his way back to the living room, and saw an incoming facebook messenger videocall from Robbe. Without even thinking about it, Jens answered it. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Robbe responded on the other end of the line, taking a sip from his soda. 

“We haven’t videocalled since you had your wisdom teeth removed last summer.” Jens said with a frown. Then again, he realized, this was probably the new normal. Despite living less than one kilometer apart, they wouldn’t be able to see each other with the social distancing rules in effect. They had even taped up the skatepark to avoid people going there. Which was probably for the best, because it wasn’t like their generation was good with listening to the rules, especially not their friends at the skatepark. 

“Yeah I just figured we could talk for a bit without always having to do the typing?” Robbe suggested, now setting down his phone on his desk and leaning back in his deskchair. 

“Sure. Did you eh, start working on that french assignment yet?” Jens asked, moving to the couch himself. He looked up to make sure his mom wasn’t yet descending the stairs, because the last thing he needed was for her to hear he had french homework. 

“Eh no. But I was actually thinking of sending that one to my cousin. No way the teacher can check who has made it, and my cousin’s way better at French than I am because he lives in Brussels....” Robbe explained. 

“Smart.” Jens said, while tapping his temple with his index finger. “I feel like it’s gonna take me all week to finish it. But don’t worry, I’ll still be there to play COD like we planned tomorrow.” Jens promised. 

“Yeah, about that... Eh, my mom has a remote videocall with her doctor tomorrow at 6. So I will help her set up the call and everything. I don’t have to be a part of the conversation, but I do want to be nearby so.... Maybe we can reschedule to, like, 7?” Robbe asked. 

Jens leaned forward a bit and nodded. “Yeah... Sure. No problem man. How’s... eh... How’s your mom?” Jens decided to ask. Since Robbe had initiated the subject, he figured it would be okay. He usually didn’t mention it unless Robbe mentioned it first, but when he did he tried to pitch in and ask about it, so that Robbe knew the subject wasn’t something he was actively trying to avoid. It was... tricky for Jens to talk about. Because he had no idea what Robbe was dealing with. But he could ask how things were going. And he could try to understand. That was the least he could do for his best friend. 

“It’s... up and down. She has good days. Like today, she was really good. She even lectured me on the fact that I didn’t pay attention to the movie we watched this afternoon.” Robbe chuckled. “So those are good days. When she’s.... when she’s there, you know. Like... present.” Robbe tried to explain. It probably wasn’t working very well. 

“And the bad days?” Jens hesitated to say. 

Robbe sighed deeply. “The bad days are why we’re talking to her doctor. She gets very... germophobic. I went on a walk yesterday and when I returned she made me take a shower. Even though I took one two hours before. So it’s... It’s a bit much. She doesn’t really want me to go out so I think I’m just gonna stick to getting fresh air in the backyard.” Robbe shrugged. 

Jens hummed along and then sighed deeply. “I hope the talk with the doctor works out then. That he can give you some tips and stuff.”

“Yeah well... the alternative is calling my dad and I don’t really feel like doing that just yet, so...” Robbe spoke, before he saw Jens’ face shift, and he suddenly realized his own insensitivity. “Sorry, that was a bit...I mean I know you said your dad’s back but I didn’t mean to…”

“No, it’s okay.” Jens cut in right away. “It’s... yeah I mean... Dad returned on Thursday, as soon as he arranged everything he needed to be there in person for. So that’s good, I guess.” Jens shrugged. 

His dad had come back home as soon as he had received the ‘work from home’ e-mail from his boss. But it wasn’t like their family dynamic was back to normal that easily. Right now his dad was working, on a Sunday at 5.30 PM. And if he wasn’t working, then him and his mom were arguing about how his dad’s place in Utrecht was now draining them financially.

“Well it’s good that he’s back. I’m sure your sisters must have been thrilled?” Robbe asked. 

Jens nodded. “Yes. You know Lies is a total daddy’s girl so having him here for her birthday was nice for her.” Jens smiled. “Speakng of birthdays... Eh, how are you going to do this with Sander’s birthday? It’s next month, right?” Jens asked. 

Robbe nodded, rubbing his hands over his face, clearly concerned too. “Yeah, I know. I've been thinking about it ever since they started saying weeks on the news.”

Jens checked today’s date, the 22nd, and he knew there was still over a month left until Sander’s birthday. But it didn’t seem like that would be making much of a difference, as most people had now accepted that this lockdown was going to be a thing for a while. The government hadn’t even mentioned their estimations, but since things in China were not even completely back to normal months later, things weren’t looking good. 

“Having a birthday during all of this must really suck.” Jens concluded. “I guess things will be back to normal by August?” Jens thought out loud. 

“They better be.” Robbe said. He couldn’t imagine celebrating his birthday in August by himself now that he finally had a somewhat happy life for himself. “But... for Sander I don’t think it’s gonna be possible to do anything in person.” Robbe sighed. 

Jens hummed, and started brainstorming. “Well... you could still send him something?”

“Like what? The stores are closed?”

“Buy something online?” Jens frowned, surprised Robbe would only consider physical shopping as an option. “Or... wait... your mom wouldn’t be chill with packages?”

Robbe shook his head, before he let out a frustrated groan. He threw his head back, in doing so noticing the box where he hid his stash from his mom.

Jens recognized Robbe just got an idea. “What?”

“You remember when I told you about getting the weed with Sander? And how we ran into the cops?” Robbe asked, reminding Jens of the conversation from a few days ago. 

Jens nodded, frowning. “Yeah. What does that have to do with it. Unless... wait, is this kinky stuff? Are you going to pull out a set of handcuffs now or something?” Jens laughed. 

Robbe shook his head and gave Jens an annoyed look. “No but... We kind of made a pact. About the weed. That we’d smoke that last one together. And then we’d both quit.” Robbe explained. 

“Quit?” Jens asked, frowning. He recalled back in december when Robbe gave the boys his stash because with the people around him he didn’t feel like it was right to be smoking, at least for the time being. But then a month later, when things were going better and they were at Jens’ birthday party, he had gifted Jens the joint as a birthday present so he seemingly was back into it. Which made Jens consider if this was maybe just a temporary thing... “For as long as quarantaine lasts or...”

“Or longer. It depends. I don’t know.” Robbe shrugged. "Last winter, when I gave you guys my stash, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to. Of course I wanted to smoke. Things were still... messy. It just.... wasn’t responsible to do it.” Robbe explained. 

He hadn’t actually talked that much about his decision back then. But it was influenced by hearing the doctors talk about his mom needing a stable environment. It was influenced by his research on bipolar disorder. And he didn’t need to ‘announce’ that he was taking away a bad habit in order to be more supportive to the people in his life. He just did. On his own. Because he knew it was the right thing to do.

“And since then, I’ve talked to Sander and he has no problem with me smoking. And my mom probably knows but she doesn’t say anything about it. So I guess she is fine with it too.”

“Then why...”

“Because I don’t need it anymore. I don’t... I don’t need to go into that headspace anymore. That’s what’s different. Yes, it’s convenient to maybe have one joint. But I don’t have a whole stash anymore like I used to. Since I gave it to you guys I’ve always just had one joint in my possesion.” Robbe explained. 

And it would often sit there, waiting for the right moment. He had healed the part of himself that was relied on numbing stuff like alcohol and drugs to tune out the thoughts in his head. Now, he only used it recreationally. And it had never gotten to the point where he had a serious dependency on it.

“At your birthday party was the first time I got some, because I thought it would be fun. Not because I needed it because it would be another party where I'd have to feel pressured into being someone I’m not.” Robbe explained. 

Jens nodded, recalling Robbe handing him the ‘birthday gift’. “And you ended up giving it to me.”

“Yeah. Because I can. Because I don’t need it to have a good time anymore.” Robbe explained. ”Even with alcohol... I don’t drink that much anymore because I don’t need to black out the entire evening. I drink just enough to have fun.”

“So... you’re using in moderation now, the alcohol? And quitting smoking?” Jens asked, to recap. 

Robbe nodded. 

“And how is this related to Sander celebrating his birthday in lockdown?” Jens frowned, losing the corelation between the subjects as if he was a bit high himself. Then again, he never really had much sense in romantic gestures. 

“Well... We could smoke the last one together. On his birthday.” Robbe suggested. “Is... is that lame?” he then asked, immediatly backtracking his idea. 

“I mean...” Jens said, scrunching up his nose. “It’s a bit underwhelming as a birthday surprise. Unless you have other plans to add to it.” Jens said. “But I do think keeping it for the right moment is a good time. I mean, I think it’s ridiculous that you’re gonna quit completely...” Jens prouded himself of living a 420 lifestyle. “But since you have it and it’s a thing for you two I’d say use it when the time is right and have fun when you do.”

And Jens needed to get his mind out of the gutter, right about now. He also needed to get laid, right about now. 

Robbe then leaned forward, elbows resting on the desk. “What am I going to do, Jens? I can’t give him anything.”

“Well...like I said, you could... have fun. Do you guys send nudes?” he asked, already sort of regretting this. Not because he didn’t want to suggest it to Robbe, but because he knew he would have the same messed up dreams he had a while back if they went down this road. But they were going down it now.

Robbe shrugged. “Eh... not really. I mean... we talk about stuff when we’re not together. If that counts?” He asked, squinting his eyes. 

“So sexting?” Jens asked, to which Robbe nodded. 

“Kind of. I guess. I mean... it terrifies me that anyone will read it so we don’t do it much.”

“Is he into it though?” Jens asked, and as he predicted he felt that ping of interest in his brain which he pushed back down right away. He was just trying to help his best friend here. 

“I think so.” Robbe nodded. “But we’ve never... I mean, it’s never been taken very far.” Robbe tried to explain. 

Jens could tell by the look on his best friend’s face that the consideration was a bit overwhelming to him, so he decided not to ask any further questions. Perhaps also for his own self-interest. Which he wasn’t even sure why it was peaked to begin with. 

“Well, you just have to see what works for you guys, of course. Talk about stuff, even during lockdown. I think that’s the essence. And Sander knows you love him, so you don’t have to prove any of that. You can just make plans for after lockdown too. That’s what I would do. Just... go full out once we’re no longer social distancing.”

“Like... maybe a trip? With just the two of us?” Robbe thought out loud. 

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“To the beach cabin?” Robbe added, his face turning into a smile. 

“Why not.” Jens nodded in reply. “I mean, he did bring his ex there so you’d have to make sure none of that surfaces... But sure, yeah, that’s not even half as bad of an idea.”

“Half as bad...” Robbe scoffed. 

“Better than having a joint together. That’s something you can literally do any other day.” Jens said, now showing his true doubts about the idea once they had both concluded it was a bit weak as a birthday present.

Robbe sighed and pinched his nose. Yes, Jens was right. What was he even thinking with that lame-ass suggestion. He could already imagine the look of dissappointment on Sander’s face. And Robbe hated to be the cause of that. He wanted to give Sander everything he deserved. So maybe Jens’ suggestion wasn’t so bad. Maybe he could try to be a bit more brave. More so than he had already been the last months. There were still things they hadn’t tried. Things that quarantaine would facilitate...

“Hey, Earth to Robbe.” Jens said, literally waving in front of the camera to return his best friend’s focus. 

“Yeah, sorry. I got a bit... distracted.” Robbe said, hoping his blush wasn’t visible too much. 

“It’s fine.” Jens said. “I was just saying I should get going though. I’m picking up fries in the city center.”

“What are you getting?”

“Friet special with _bitterballen_. And I don’t know about the second thing, I’ll see when I get there.” Jens said, going through his options in his head. He could go for a _boulet_. Or a _kipsate_. Or maybe _mini loempia’s_... Truthfully the possibilities were numerous, and his mouth was already watering. 

“Well enjoy that, I guess. And don’t forget to wash your hands.” Robbe grinned. 

“Will do, will do. Talk to you later!”

“Bye!” 

When the call ended Jens put his phone down and he startled when he saw his little sister in the doorframe. 

“Lotte... what the f....” No cursing around the child. “Fishsticks. You scared me. How long have you been standing there.”

“I heard you talk about what you’re gonna get with your fries. Can I come? Can you buy me a kids box?” Lotte asked. 

“Eh, no, sorry Lot. You guys are just having dinner that mom made. And you know we have to stay inside as much as possible, so I can’t take you with me.”

“Then can me go skate again soon? I need to practice it more, you said that yourself.” the tiny child reasoned. And who was Jens to contradict himself. 

“Yeah sure. Maybe tomorrow, okay? After you’ve done your school work for the day.”

“Deal?”

“Deal.” Jens nodded, before he got up from the couch and walked past her, ruffling the hair on her head. He then put on his coat and shoes, and shouted a quick ‘I’m heading out.’ into the upstairs. Then, without getting a reply he headed outside and closed the door behind him.


	117. Monday - 23/03/2020 - 19.52

Before lockdown, Amber would spend perhaps two hours a day on social media. In between classes at school, or waiting for the oven to pre-heat at home, she would quickly grab out her phone and check instagram or pinterest. But then as soon as she had something else to focus on, she would also put it away and focus on the task at hand. She never really got sucked into it as much. 

Not until last week. But in her defense, then that was also when thing started to get boring, fast. 

In the mornings she would walk down the stairs and have breakfast the same time she usually did. Except now she’d have an extra fourty-five minutes before she would actually have to start working on school. So since all the articles mentioned it was important to stick to a routine, instead of waking up later she filled that gap with scrolling on her timeline in her pj’s on the couch.

And then that became how she spent her lunch break. And between 4 and 6PM. 

The good thing was that her and Aaron had been texting non-stop in those times. Amber became friends with his sister on facebook and she had actually heard some childhood stories of the two of them through her. Which was fun, because Aaron would never tell the stories that made him feel embarassed. 

At 8PM they had their daily videocall, in which they would recap their day to each other. Usually they would meet up for lunch at school or at the school gates at the end of the day, but since they hadn’t been able to find a spontaneous moments, Amber had decided on a scheduled time. The last thing she wanted was for their relationship to suffer under their physical distance, and she would do anything to try and avoid that.

She checked the clock indicating 7.52 and she figured she’d have a few minutes to spare so she swiped to her notifications from throughout the day, clicking on a dm from Britt. 

BRITT: [Hey Amber. I don’t want to cause any drama or anything, but Aaron has been trying to buy weed off of my brother. Bas doesn’t sell anymore, so he said no. But he said there was a girl in the background of the videocall, which he thought was you. But then he said she was a brunette so it can’t have been you.]

Amber frowned, and then quickly shook her head. No, there was nothing to worry about. It was probably just his sister in the background.

AMBER: [Hey, thanks for telling me.] 

She pressed send before continuing to type, but she could also see a typing bubble appear on Britt’s side so she decided to wait what she had to say. 

BRITT: [I just figured I'd tell you. I don’t know if Aaron is the type to ignore the quarantaine rules, and I don’t know if he’d cheat but I wouldn’t trust it if he’s hanging out with another girl. Especially if it’s during quarantaine. They would have to be pretty close for that, and the girl wouldn’t know you were a couple if you went to his insta, so... I also noticed there’s lots of girls commenting on the broerrrs youtube channel...]

Amber sighed deeply and wanted to continue typing what she was typing – which was that Aaron wouldn’t cheat and Aaron wouldn’t be so careless about quarantaine. But then Amber paused. And she read about the insta and youtube stuff. And she blinked. No, that wasn’t the case, was it?

Aaron had posted a picture of them together. And as she checked, Amber got confirmation that it was still on his profile. But... it was only one picture. And it was a black and white one. So it didn’t really stand out.

And Amber had never really paid attention to the youtube comments. But as she opened the channel and scrolled through the comment section of the videos, she couldn’t deny that there were a lot of girls. A lot of them pointing out how adorably awkward Aaron was. 

With a deep sigh, Amber returned to her insta DM’s.

AMBER: [Aaron wouldn’t cheat. He has a sister, so it’s probably her.]

She pressed send, before putting her phone on her bed and biting her thumb. Was Britt onto something? Were there other girls who were interested in Aaron? Had they messaged him? Did he tell them he had a girlfriend? When they were still at school Aaron did mention that she was a bit paranoid about the whole virus. Maybe his sister had friends over?

Amber got pulled out of her spiral when the call sound echoed through the room, and she clicked the accept button a bit hesitantly when she saw it was Aaron. 

“Hey! It’s 2 minutes past so I figured I’d call you because you usually call me on the minute.” Aaron smiled. “I missed you a lot today...” he sighed. 

“Did you?” Amber asked, and she surprised herself with how bitter she sounded. 

“Yes, of course?” Aaron said, a bit confused. They would usually say they missed each other, which was the truth. But it had never been questioned with that tone of voice. It helped Aaron catch on to the fact that something was wrong, and the slight frown on Amber’s face also made it obvious. “Why… Something wrong?”

“No, nothing.” Amber said, shrugging her shoulders. She decided she didn’t want to talk about it. At least not right now. Not until she knew how she felt about it exactly. She then smiled, and tilted her head, leaning her left shoulder forward. “Sorry. I was just... thinking. How was your day today?” she said, switching the subject.

“Horrible.” Aaron said while rolling his eyes. “Our teacher sent us the description of the group project thing we started working on last trimester. But now we have to finish it online which means we have to schedule a call with Robbe, Yasmina, Luca and I and we can’t find a time that works for all of us.”

“Yeah eh, speaking off.... I don’t think we should do this at the same time every day anymore. I need a bit more flexibility to plan my evening.” Amber said, biting her lip. “Last night I forgot to finish taking off my nailpolish because we had the call. And I also don’t want you to take time away from your family and stuff to talk to me.”

Aaron shrugged and Amber noticed he was trying to find out if nothing was wrong, so Amber knew she had to just smile. “Is that okay?”

“Well, I’m kind of glad to not have to play uno with my parents right now.” Aaron laughed. “But yeah, I get it can be a bit difficult in your evening. It’s okay, we can call whenever we both have the time. Sure.” Aaron agreed.

“So it’s still just your parents and your sister in quarantaine then? No... other visitors?” Amber asked. 

Aaron tilted his head, frowning. “Eh, no? That’s not allowed, remember.” Aaron said, his face then lighting up. “But if this is you saying we could sneak around if you come to my place, I wouldn’t be against that.” he grinned. 

“Aaron.” Amber said, sighing. “You know it’s not allowed. You just said it. And for what you’re thinking about now...” Amber said, noticing the look he was giving her. “You will just have to help yourself out.”

“But that’s really not the same, baby. I really really really really miss you.” Aaron pouted. 

“Nothing’s gonna happen, Aaron Jacobs. Stop pouting.” Amber laughed.

“Okay, okay.” Aaron said, smiling. “At least I got you to smile again.” he winked. 

“Yes. I eh, gotta go take a shower now.” Amber lied.

“Ooooh... now that’s gonna give me a visual to work with.”

“Aaron!” Amber gasped. “Okay that’s it, I’m going.” she said, shaking her head. “Love you.”

“Love you too. Don’t be mad okay! I’m just desperate.”

“It’s okay. Bye babe.” Amber said

“Bye.” Aaron waved, before they ended the call. 

They never really talked more than a few minutes, so it wasn’t like Aaron would notice anything based on the call they just had. But Amber still felt guilty for cutting it off like that. 

She then told herself that it wouldn’t be fair to keep trying to pretend nothing was wrong, and that she’d rather figure out what was on her mind than hide it from him. And as she walked up to her vanity and started brushing her hair, she looked in the mirror and sighed. Of course she was insecure. When would she ever not be.


	118. Tuesday - 24/03/2020 - 15.58

Jana ascended back up the stairs of the basement with a sigh, having come to the conclusion that nothing they had stored there in the freezer was really appealing her for dinner. The only lasagna they had was a veggie one, and she didn’t really feel like mac ‘n cheese or spring rolls. 

Sitting down at the kitchen counter, she leaned her chin on her hand. She knew she still had some time because it was only 4PM but this was when she usually defrosted the food. But if she got some take-out, she wouldn’t have to. 

And while her mom had promised she would be home before 7, the prospect of having a take out meal within the next two hours did seem appealing. Perhaps she shouldn’t have had mama mia’s for breakfast either, but that was nobody’s business. 

Jana grabbed out her phone, and decided to message her mom on confirmation that she wouldn’t be home until 7. 

JANA: [Mom, for defrosting dinner... What do you want me to pull from the freezer? And will you be home by 7?]

Jana dropped her phone on the counter when her mom didn’t respond right away, because she was probably in a meeting and often switched her phone to do not disturb. So while awaiting answer, Jana settled in front of the tv and flipped through the channels until she got to the radio channels and decided to Studio Brussel for a while. 

Half an hour later, checking her phone again, Jana noticed she had a reply. 

MOM: [I still got lettuce and baby tomatoes so I’m just gonna make a salad. So you don’t need to defrost anything for me.]

Jana rolled her eyes. Great. So they wouldn’t even be eating the same thing. Just like they hadn’t been able to be on the same page for anything in the last few weeks. 

JANA: [Good. Then I’m ordering a burger because nothing we have is to my liking.] 

Jana then got up and grabbed the tablet, before scrolling through the TakeAway website, finally setting on a place and placing her order. When it came down to pay, Jana typed in her mom’s card details which she had memorized since she was 12.

Now all she had to do was wait. Until her dinner was delivered. Until her mom returned from Brussels. Until they would start arguing. Two of those three things were very likely to happen. And as Jana watched the delivery guy walk away and she closed the front door, she checked one off the list. 

She placer her dinner on a plate and took a picture for insta, despite having posted something two days ago. It was lockdown, all she had was social media to keep in touch with her friends. And when Luca sent her a gasp-emoji right away, they started chatting and that was exactly the type of connection that was making quarantaine managable.

Yet she missed the real connection so so much. As she was dipping her fries, she almost missed Amber’s comment on how many calories were in it. She missed Zoë’s recommendations of a nice vegan burger stand in Zurenborg. She missed Luca cutting into their conversation with a meme she found because she was part of some ridiculous meme-group on facebook. And she missed Yasmina reminding them that she ate with them because they were supposed to study for a test. 

All the could-have-beens that were now taken away by quarantaine kind of made her sad. But nothing a bite from her burger couldn’t solve, and half an hour later she allowed herself to embrace her foodbaby and just chill on the couch. She justified herself by the fact that she had studied for french for two hours today, and also worked on her history paper for a good ten minutes so it wasn’t like today was entirely unproductive.

But then, sooner than she’d expected, she heard a set of keys at the door and she sat up a bit more on the couch to watch her mom walk in.

“Hey.” Jana said a bit monotone while pretending she was focussed on the tv, where in reality the Studio Brussels logo was being displayed. She then quickly took her phone and opened facebook. 

“You ate already, yes?” her mom asked, while hanging up her coat. When she didn’t get more than a hum as a reply from her daughter, she sighed. “I eh.... I think I might start working from home fulltime this week.” she said with an optimistic smile. 

“You said that last week.” Jana said, still not looking up from her phone. Her mom was supposed to work from home three days a week, according to protocol. Yet she’d been going to Brussels Tuesday through Friday, and Monday and Tuesday this week too. 

“Yes. But now some people at the office are showing symptoms so they’re restricting people from the workspace. The meeting rooms really aren’t equipped to keep safe distance so they’re switching to fully remote meetings now.” Jana heard her mom say. 

She clicked her tongue. She wanted to say they should have done that a long time ago, but she didn’t. She had noticed in general that companies and businesses were now scrambling and eager to find remote working sollutions to save their business, but they seemed unwilling to do so to facilitate disabled employes a month before that. She couldn’t help but think of all the quality time parents like her mom could spend with their kids if the workforce wasn’t so insistent on physical pressence between the hours of 9 to 5.

It was all very hypocritical, and that it came from her mom’s job at the governmental level now, fit right in to how she’d seen this pandemic being handled. Even countries like the Netherlands and Belgium couldn’t agree on the same strategy. Borders were now closed. And everything sucked. 

“So you’re just going to sit in your office upstairs all day?” Jana asked, finally looking up. 

“For meetings I'd be there, yes. But I could also create a set up here in the dining room? We could work together, keep each other company?” her mom replied. 

And Jana was now seeing she was genuinely trying to make an effort, unlike the last few nights where she had just begged Jana not to behave like a brat.

“Maybe.” Jana decided to reply, not closing the door on the possibility entirely.

“Good. We’ll see. I still have to go into the office tomorrow to pick up the stuff I’ll need, but I’m home again tomorrow afternoon, okay?”

When Jana returned her attention back to her phone, she didn’t pay much attention to her mom. And as she was in the kitchen working on her salad a while later Jana just walked up to put her plate in the sink and rinse it off before putting it in the dishwasher. 

“Goodnight.”

“Night sweetheart.”

As far as meaningful mother-daughter interactions went it wasn’t much. But it was something. And as Jana talked about it with Zoë on a videocall, she also came to the realization that she couldn’t just dismiss it. Her mom was trying not to make quarantaine impossible for both of them, and Jana couldn’t just reject that.

The least she could do was try and get over her anger and feelings of betrayal and create a meaningful connection on top of the basic communication that kept their household running. Because soon enough it would just be the two of them in an apartment in New York, so there wasn’t much of a choice.


	119. Wednesday - 25/03/2020 - 22.37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has both some touch-starved Sander/Robbe ànd this fic's only mention of a 'Willem' in it.   
> Which, despite what my tinder suggestions mistakenly make it out to be, is not that common of a first name. Except if you're a Dutch monarch.
> 
> Enjoy!

Robbe’s hand roamed over Sander’s upper arm, and he stretched his neck for a moment to press a small kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. “Have I told you I loved you?” Robbe spoke, his eyes still closed, focussing on the sensation of feeling Sander’s lips on his. His hand in his hair. Just every single touch and every place they were glued together, their limbs intertwined and hands that couldn’t stop roaming. 

“You have. But I don’t mind hearing it again.” Sander smiled, before copying Robbe’s move and reaching out for a kiss. And then another one, for good measure. 

Not that they were going to break apart any time soon. If it were up to the two of them they’d just stay in this bed. And the fact that that was supposedly not allowed, had made them conclude one thing: Whoever came up with the concept of social distancing had clearly never been in love before. 

So fuck social distancing. They just couldn’t stay apart. They had become aquainted to each other’s pressence as much as one would of their own shadow. They swore it would be the two of them in every universe. And that simply didn’t look like the two of them in their seperate houses waiting for however many weeks, months this was going to last. 

Their decision was the best they had ever made. For them, for their relationship, for their sanity.

Robbe inhaled deeply, breathing in the smell of citrus from Sander’s body wash on his collarbone. “I missed touching you. Smelling you... I missed all of this so much.” Robbe said, his eyes stil closed as he put his ear on the pillow again. Then he blinked his eyes open softly, looking at his boyfriend staring back at him. Their noses were millimeters apart, and they were just looking at each other. 

It felt like minutes, hours passed by. Breathing in the same air, their hands dancing on each other’s skin. Their soft smiles at one another. This was paradise. This was what he would answer next time someone asked him what he thought peace would look like.

Robbe wished he could record Sander’s laughter when Robbe made a quick move to hoover over him. 

“So eager...” Sander said with a raised eyebrow, while simultaneously pulling him closer on top of him with a hand in the small of his back. 

“It’s what you do to me...” Robbe said, before he started kissing down Sander’s chest, but refusing to break eye contact. 

“Fuck.” Sander cursed, joining their hands and Robbe slipped his fingers in between Sander’s, pinning his hand to the bed. 

“I want you to badly.” Robbe whispered into his boyfriend’s ear. Sander just hummed in reply, but the below-waist repositioning was all the answer Robbe needed. 

“Willem...” Sander then suddenly whispered in his ear, and Robbe’s entire body made a jerk movement, suddenly snapping into conciousness. He was catapulted back into reality. He was awake. Fuck. He was just dreaming. And as he focussed his eyes, he stared at his essay on ‘Willem Van Oranje’ which was due in five days.

He groaned, loudly, covering his face with his hands an he then let out a sigh of frustration because why the fuck did that just happen. Why did he have to go there, as if just thinking about it wasn’t hard enough, his mind had to and play tricks and actually give him one of the most visual dreams he’d ever had. 

“Fucking hell...” he mumbled to himself, dropping his arm on the desk and quickly closing up the file of his essay, because there was no way he was going to continue working on it. Willem would have to wait, as he now had another objective. And as he clicked open the facebook tab and switched over to messenger, he grabbed his laptop to place it on his bed, getting a bit more comfortable before he quickly typed a message. 

ROBBE: [Can we do a call?]

He drummed his fingers on the casing of his computer. He knew he hadn’t specified, but he also knew the chances of Sander saying no were slim either way. He froze his movement when he saw the typing bubble appear. 

SANDER: [Of course]

And Robbe had barely read it before a little pop up window appeared and he pressed to accept the call.

“Hey. Oh, it’s dark.” Sander frowned on the other end of the call. 

Robbe looked around his room, and realized that was probably part of the reason why he fell asleep – it was fully dark outside and for a while he was so focussed on the essay he hadn’t switched on a light. And by the time his eyes fell heavy, it was already too late. 

“Yeah, sorry. I... I just fell asleep at my desk.” Robbe said, then reaching for the little lamp on his nightstand, before he moved himself back in the frame of the camera, sighing deeply. “Better?”

Sander nodded and smiled. “Yeah, now I can at least see you properly.” Sander said, taking in the view for a bit. Just memorizing Robbe’s face again for reference later. That’s when Sander noticed Robbe looked more tired than usual... “So you fell asleep? Did you not sleep well last night?”

Robbe could see a bit of concern on Sander’s face, and because of it he reconsidered his answer but in the end he knew he didn’t call Sander to dance around the issue. “I haven’t. I don’t really sleep well these days. I guess I got used to sleeping next to you. At least a few times a week...” Robbe said, looking down. Not that he was ashamed of admitting that. But he did feel like he was failing at this whole lockdown. They had both promised to be strong, and admitting it was affecting him physically, his sleep, was not the definition of strong.

“Robbe...” Sander then said, making Robbe look up at him. And when he finally did, he smiled. “I’m so happy to hear you say that. It feels weird for me too. I constantly reach out and expect you to be there. And every morning I wake up and turn to where you’d be and you’re not there. It’s... It’s weird.” Sander admitted. 

“Right?” Robbe then said, with a chuckle of relief. “I mean... I think it’s because we’re both home. It feels like it’s one big weekend.” And there had rarely been a weekend where they hadn’t both slept in the same bed, either one. Though Robbe sort of preferred Sander’s bed personally. 

“Yeah. That’s probably it.” Sander said, then leaning his cheek on his hand. “I just miss our talks, I guess. Like... when it’s just us, before we go to sleep...” Sander spoke. 

Robbe knew exactly what he meant. That time between them settling in to go to sleep and them actually sleeping. That space where time didn’t exist because they didn’t check their phones anymore at that point. That sacred moment that always strenghtened their connection because they often didn’t need words anymore.

And if they did, they were said at the peak of a certain vulnerability. It was when Sander dared to ask out loud if Robbe would ever be okay with going to a hotel again. It was when Robbe admitted he felt in over his head with living with his mom. 

It was raw, and rough, and often one of them would end up shedding a small tear but they’d fall asleep in the arms of the boy they loved and that was the best way to fall asleep. With their heart unburdened and with the last thought being ‘I love you. Thank you for listening.’

“It’s kind of what we’re doing now, I guess...” Robbe said, noticing they were both seemingly ready to fall asleep. Robbe knew he certainly was. If possible he would just unpause the dream he just got pulled out of and continue it.

“Yeah.... Are you tired?” Sander asked, noticing Robbe’s heavy eyes. 

“I just wanna talk to you for a little bit. It’s okay.” Robbe said, blinking his eyes widely. 

“You’re cute.” Sander chuckled. He then quickly glanced at his phone, another like on the insta he posted today. 

Robbe hummed, curious what was distracting Sander from, well, him. Perhaps he was a bit more jealous, knowing other people had the same amount of access to Sander as he now had.

“Just insta notifications.” Sander said, throwing his phone aside a bit carelessly. He didn’t really care if other people liked the post. It wasn’t about other people. It was about them. Sander drew that for them.

To that, Robbe blushed. “Yeah. I saw your post.”

“I saw you liked it.” Sander said, biting his lip a bit. He then leaned in a bit closer. “I drew it yesterday but it’s kind of my mood every day lately. I just wanna touch you. Comb my fingers through your hair, kiss those beautiful lips of yours.”

“Sander....” Robbe said, when he felt his boyfriend’s words form butterflies in his stomach. 

“Too much?” Sander asked with a playful smile. 

And for a moment Robbe considered. He considered his dream, and how he couldn’t exactly deny he was pretty much on that verge of despair himself. He leaned forward, and sighed deeply. “No, of course it’s not too much. I feel it too Sander. I just want to be in your arms.” Robbe said, the words kind of pouring out at this point. “I want to kiss you until I lose my breath. I want to spend the whole day with you, start to finish. I wish you were here and I really wished we would have been able to spend this time together. That would have been perfect. We would just eat in this bed. And maybe shower together every now and then. Because we’d get sweaty... And it would just be us and nobody telling us we weren’t allowed and...” Robbe paused when he saw Sander had his eyes closed and his mouth slightly agape. “Sander.”

“Sorry.” Sander said, opening his eyes again. He pouted. “I just allowed myself to go there for a moment. Imagine you here.” he said. He ducked his head. “I also really miss us together. Not that... I mean, I have gone ten days without seks before. But my brain seems to constantly remind me of those sounds you make and I just...”

Robbe’s lips curved into a small smile at Sander’s unabashed way of admitting it, and he slowly licked his lips in hesitation. “I actually... I dreamed of that just now. When I fell asleep.” Robbe said.

“Really?” Sander asked, and Robbe nodded. And then they just looked at each other for a while, which soon enough meant that Robbe got a bit shy and he let out a nervous little laugh.

“I love you.” Sander smiled, because that was what he thought when he saw Robbe a bit flustered like he was now. He was in love with this boy. He loved him, he had relearned what love was because of him. And he was madly in love with him in this universe and in every other one.

“I love you too.” Robbe smiled. Then, he let out a frustrated sigh. “Fucking hell Sander, I have no idea how I’m gonna do this. I literally want to reach through this screen....” Robbe pouted.

“I know.” Sander nodded. He then reached behind him to re-adjust the pillow, while also turning a bit more to his side. And then he got the idea. “What about what you said earlier? We can just lay here. And fall asleep. Sort of together at least. Maybe that will help, a little bit?” Sander suggested. 

He knew Robbe was exhausted, and frustrated, and he himself felt like his skin was itching with a buzz he couldn’t get rid of. So maybe they could just put each other to sleep by simply seeing each other on the screen. Sleeping. 

“I mean... yeah.” Robbe nodded, the prospect of perhaps falling asleep properly for once appealing to him a lot. He moved the computer a bit further away and lowered his pillow to how he usually slept. “LIke this?”

Sander hummed while nodding. He repositoned his head so he was a bit more horizontal, laying down on his side with one arm above the sheets. “You good?”

“Yeah.” Robbe said, eyes already heavy. And then they closed.

“Goodnight baby.” Sander smiled, after seeing just how quickly Robbe seemed to dose off. So I guess that meant this idea worked. 

“Night.” Robbe mumbled while barely moving his lips, his subconciousness already pulling him into the world of dreams he had to abruptly been awoken from before. This time without interruptions by historical political figures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: No it's not the final chapter with these two yet. It wàs the final Wednesday of this fic though...


	120. Thursday - 26/03/2020 - 17.05

“Just say hi to them for me, okay...” Milan said as he grabbed his stuff from his and Zoë’s afternoon movie marathon and was about to headed back to his room. 

“I will.” Zoë chuckled, and she waited until she heard the door to Milan’s room close before she started the planned videocall with the girls. She was a bit late to join, since it was already 5.06PM, so she quickly sat a bit more upright and uncovered the camera. “Hey! Sorry I’m a bit late.”

“No worries.” Luca grinned. “Jana was just giving us the latest gossip...” 

“It’s not gossip...” Jana said while rolling her eyes. “Just that apparently Celine from 6th year was in quarantaine with her family and she started having symptoms and then they discovered she had been sneaking out of the house to go see her secret boyfriend.”

Luca and Jana grinned at the story while Amber gasped in shock. Meanwhile Yasmina rolled her eyes and Zoë just sighed out in dissappointment. 

“Does she have to go to the hospital?” Amber asked concerned. 

Jana shrugged in reply, and then admitted she didn’t know much more about the story than what she just mentioned because Celine’s cousin lives nextdoor to her. 

“That’s so irresponsible though...” Yasmina said with a frown. “I mean, this lockdown is here for a reason. For people to just throw that out of the window... I don’t get it.”

“Maybe one night with her boyfriend is worth getting Covid. Who knows...” Luca smirked. 

Zoë shook her head with a smile, because Luca always somehow found a way to say these type of things about other people’s boyfriends. Luckily she drew the line at any of the girls’ boyfriends, or ex-boyfriends for that matter.

“The only thing I get is maybe wanting to see other people but you can do that from behind a window, and without sticking your tongue down someone else’s throat and getting the virus.” Jana said. 

“Agreed.” Zoë nodded. 

“But maybe she was scared that he’d break up with her or something?” Amber frowned. “I mean... it’s hard on relationships to not be able to see each other.” she reasoned. 

“If a guy breaks up with you during a pandemic because you can’t see one another in person, then he wasn’t a good boyfriend to begin with and you’re better off without him.” Yasmina replied, perhaps over-simplifying things a little bit. “Besides... Aaron is totally into you Amber. So if you’re talking about personal insecurities, you have absolutely no reason to worry.”

All four girls quickly caught on to the way Amber failed at keeping the corners of her mouth raised, and her insecurity slipped through. “Yeah but....”

“Amber…. You say you’ve been talking almost every night, right?” Jana smiled. “That’s nice. That means he wants to hear about your day and everything.” 

“Yes and from what Robbe told me he can’t stop talking about you when they’re doing videocalls with the boys.” Zoë added. And that seemed to make Amber’s smile return, which Zoë was happy about. 

Amber looked up hopeful. “Really?”

“Yes. I don’t know why you’d even doubt that.” Zoë nodded. 

“Is this because of that message from Britt?” Luca frowned, suddenly recalling Amber’s message with screenshot attached. 

“Maybe....” Amber spoke. 

“What message from Britt?” Jana frowned, and a few moments later Luca added the screenshot Amber had sent her to their groupchat so that all of the girls could read along. 

“Seriously, does she àlways have to be involved in other people’s relationship? Sorry, Jana, but this is...” Yasmina stated before she was even halfway through reading the message in the grey bubble. But as she continued, her suspicions got confirmed. 

“Amber, come on.... Don’t tell me you let something like this doubt your relationship...” Zoë said.

Jana looked up from reading through the message on her phone and shook her head. “Amber... You seriously don’t have to listen to any of that. Britt just thinks she is helping other people but in reality she just assumes every guy under the sun is a cheater. Which isn’t true.”

“Well, you can’t really blame her with the experience she has had though...” Luca shrugged. “No but they’re right, Amber. It’s just her manifesting her own insecurities and experiences, I think. I don’t believe you have anything to worry about with Aaron. If you do, he’ll catch these guns.” Luca said, then making a boxing move with her fists. 

“Yeah yeah... whatever. You’re right. Let's just eh... different subject.” Amber said, while she ducked off camera to subtly wipe the tear from her eye. When she appeared in front of the camera again, she swiped the hair out of her face. “Zoë, I tried that poached egg recipe of yours. It was really good by the way.”

“Oh, I’m glad you like it.” Zoë said excitingly. 

“Yeah I kinda just stopped eating food I had to make myself, honestly. I just either eat from the freezer or order stuff.” Jana shrugged. 

“Well I’m cooking for me and Milan this lockdown since we can’t fit two weeks of groceries in our fridge for two people. So I told him not to buy anything and I’d cook for both of us.” Zoë explained.

Yasmina frowned and leaned forward. “Seriously Zoë? You’re just doing everything for him?”

Zoë laughed a bit, but she also knew where Yasmina’s disbelief came from. “Oh no no. Don’t worry. We made a deal that he was going to clean the bathroom and take out the trash during the entire lockdown.” Zoë smiled. “So cutting up a few more veggies compared to that doesn’t seem like such a bad deal.”

“How is it otherwise, to be stuck with a roommate?” Luca asked. 

“It’s... not too bad. He’s still singing Eurovision songs all the time. He’s switched his alarm sound to that song ‘Phoenix’ by Conchita.... And so every morning he walks into the kitchen all dramatic when he sings the chorus.” Zoë said, mimicking the way Milan moved his arms as if they were wings.

“Have you guys been like, able to stick to a routine though? Cause I seriously haven’t woken up before 10AM in the last week...” Jana said biting her lip. And she knew most of the girls were usually pretty good with routines, so when they all nodded she covered her face. “Ugh... I have been so bad with it. Like... I just don’t see the point when I can do the work in the evening too.” she admitted. 

“But if you’re on your computer all evening the light will make it harder to go to sleep...” Yasmina explained. 

Jana shrugged. “No trouble sleeping. I sleep at least ten hours these days.” 

“Whatever works for you, you should stick to. Honestly this pandemic is not the time to put pressure onto yourself. You don’t have to be productive all the time either.” Zoë said shaking her head. “Just do what feels best for you and your mental health.”

Jana bit her lip, wishing that in moments like this, when the conversation perfectly lended itself to her saying what was on her mind, she would just say it. She wished she could unload about New York and all the stress it had been causing her. But she wasn’t ready to tell the girls, because that made things a lot more final and she wasn’t ready for that. Not just yet.

Then she also knew that the girls would notice if she kept looking down. “Oh. That’s the notification for food. Sorry, I ordered some chicken nuggets. I eh... I have to go. But I’ll talk to you guys soon, okay!” she said, as excitingly as she could with the knowledge that next time would be closer to a goodbye. 

And as the girls all waved and said their goodbyes, Jana closed her computer and fell backwards on her bed, blowing out a breath.


	121. Friday - 27/03/2020 - 19.11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a curtain call for the boy squad in this fic. Enjoy :)

“It’s not that bad considering it’s only one euro...” Jens shrugged as he continued to pick pieces of ravioli from the can he was currently devouring. 

It was a weird point in the conversation for Robbe to join in on, but his computer insisted on doing an update so he had texted the boys he’d be late to the call. “Hey guys. Sorry I’m late. Like I texted, stupid computer and it’s badly timed software updates...” Robbe sighed.

“No problem buddy.” Jens said, still chewing on the pasta. 

“Is that a large can? How much is in it? 500grams?” Aaron asked tilting his head. 

“Eh... 400.” Jens said, consulting the side of the can. He then tried to estimate the remaining weight. “Maybe 150 left now.” he grinned. 

Moyo laughed, and shook his head. “The way you just did that... For a moment it looked a lot like a girl holding her boobs...”

“Then I’d need two of these though.” Jens winked. 

Robbe rolled his eyes and threw his head back, wondering if it was even worth joining in on this conversation. And when he checked the incoming notification on his phone, the tempation to just log off and start a videocall with Sander instead became even bigger. 

SANDER: [Made a new drawing]

SANDER: [Attachment: Lockdown14.jpg]

Robbe smiled, the corner of his mouth rising. He looked up at the screen in front of him for a second, but the boys seemed occupied for now. Robbe took his phone and zoomed in on a Romeo-and-Juliet-Balcony scene-inspired drawing of the two of them. 

ROBBE: [I love it.]

ROBBE: [I love you.]

SANDER: [I miss you ♥]

Robbe bit his lip and then heard his name being called out on the screen. “Huh?”

“You seem distracted.” Jens spoke, then noticing the phone in Robbe’s hands. “Oh, someone else you’d rather be talking to than us?” 

“No, no.” Robbe said, throwing his phone away. And he knew Jens was right for calling him out. He could text with Sander later tonight.

“Yeah but boys you can’t be talking about girls all the time and then get jealous when Robbe and I actually have other people to be social with during this lockdown.” Aaron said, crossing his arms. “That’s hardly fair.”

“Thanks Aaron.” Robbe smiled. And then, he got an idea from the ‘brilliant ideas’ workshop part of his brain. “But... ehm.... If you guys don’t want me to be distracted we could always just add Sander?” Robbe suggested. 

“To this videocall?” Jens asked, frowning as he dug in the bottom of his can of ravioli for another piece.

“Well that’s not... I just defended you and... Amber could never join the chat.” Aaron pouted.

“That’s cause none of us have much in common with Amber.” Moyo explained. “But Frostie, for sure! Yeah yeah, ask him if he’d wanna join.” Moyo nodded. 

“Okay.” Robbe smiled, perhaps a bit surprised that it actually worked. He quickly searched the bed for his phone and texted Sander right away. 

ROBBE: [Wanna join a videocall with the boys?]

ROBBE: [I promised I’d hang out with them but if you’re there I can at least see you.]

ROBBE: [They’re all chill with it.]

Robbe then looked up at the screen, and saw Aaron mumble something about double standards. 

ROBBE: [Well almost all of them. You might need to sweettalk Aaron a bit...]

SANDER: [It’s cute how you can’t go without me for 24 hours...]

ROBBE: [Shut up...]

SANDER: [Sure. I’ll join. But you better know what you’re getting yourself into 😉 ]

Robbe then dropped his phone again, and clicked the buttons to add Sander, and then he watched the screen load. 

“Hello hello hello!” Sander waved as he joined the call. His eyes then locked on one of the screens in particular, and seeing the smile of the boy he loved on there. “Hi baby.”

“Hey.” Robbe smiled, a split second before Jens and Moyo cheered loudly which kind of overpowered the small greeting. But Robbe also knew that was to be expected by sharing his boyfriend with the boys. Ideally he would do a videocall with Sander, but tonight he really had to work on some school stuff so once this call with the boys was over, Robbe had to dedicate himself to his academics instead of having another videocall with just his boyfriend. 

Because apparently teachers were in the assumption that high school kids now had 20 hours a day off to do nothing but essays, assignments and online tests. While in reality, in between spending time with his mom, maintaining a long-distance relationship, doing all potential errands, being social with his friends and getting in a proper amount of sleep, he barely spent 4 hours on school a day. And while he did lay in bed for 9 hours without anything else on his mind, he maybe only slept two thirds of it. Falling asleep was the worst these days. 

“Wow dude, what’s that?” Aaron asked, leaning in closer to the screen. 

Sander frowned, and Robbe looked closely before he noticed the charcoal on Sander’s fingers.

Sander showed his hands to the screen and shrugged. “Charcoal...”

“Oh.. Okay.” Aaron said, still a bit confused. “Looks messy.”

“That’s the beauty of art though...” Sander spoke. “Doesn’t always have to be clean.... It can be messy sometimes too.” Sander spoke, and he surprised himself with the accuracy of that expression. As he looked over to the piece he was working on, he smiled at is because it certainly fit in the ‘messy’ pile. Works of art created while his mind was not 100% in the headspace. Sometimes a bit foggy, sometimes a bit erratic. Sometimes a bit anxious, nervous, stressed out. 

This specific work, a faceless figure standing in front of a window, had been his attempt at centering his thoughts. At not trying to get lost in the endless list of things he still had to do. Things he hadn’t accomplished. It was an escape of the pressure. A desire to be able to just look out of the window and waste the day away watching time go by. But he didn’t have that luxury. He couldn’t afford that. But he knew his art was never a waste of time. So he allowed himself to grab a piece of charcoal and try to let go of the tension in his shoulders. He tried to softly let go of the iron grip he had to keep on himself, just for a moment. Giving him some room to breathe. 

That’s also why he said yes to the videocall. Not because he craved to be a part of a conversation without much substinance right now. But because it would take his mind off in a way that his art sometimes couldn’t do after an hour and a half. He needed something new to distract himself. So Robbe’s suggestion came at just the right time. 

“How poetic.” Jens chuckled. “So how’s it going?”

“It’s... okay. Yeah. Bit weird, being around my parents all the time.” Sander shrugged. “I guess I’m used to a tiny bit more liberty when it comes to how I spend my days. But my mom can be very family-oriented if she wants to be so this whole situation did bring out the maternal part of her. Professor Verhulst takes a backseat.” Sander explained. 

“Yeah my mom insists on family meals these days too.” Moyo nodded. “It’s been... weird. All sitting around the same table. Like, that ràrely happens.”

“Same here.” Jens agreed. “My dad’s now back and my sisters are thrilled because they just switch back to how it was before but having him there now feels a bit weird. A month ago when we were on vacation I kinda just accepted my dad wouldn’t be a part of my daily life anymore and now he’s there at the table. Making jokes.”

And part of Jens felt like defending himself for making it sound like having his dad there was a bad thing. He didn’t mean for it to come across like that. It was absolutely not a bad thing. But it did seem like both his parents had casually forgotten that it was an impactful thing to have his dad just move away from them.

Not that it was something he felt like he could do into with the other guys, though.

He looked at the screen in front of him and the other guys now joking about something stupid Aaron’s dad did at the DIY-store, but Jens tuned it out for a moment to give a glance at the door, where he heard his dad and his mom tell each other they loved each other and that they could make it through this. And in an ideal scenario, which a part of Jens did crave, there would be someone saying that to him too. 

“So what do you guys do to pass the time?” Jens eventually decided to ask in order to insert himself back into the conversation once he had noticed it came to a natural pause.

“Yeah, does anyone have some netflix recommendations or something? Cause I ran out of everything on my to do list.” Aaron said, even picking up a little notebook and showing the guys his entire list and all of them checked off.

“What’s on that list Aaron?” Moyo asked seeing how Aaron didn’t hold it up long enough for them to read everything. 

“Better not have any MCU movies on there because that in combination with lockdown will rot your brain.” Sander said shaking his head, preparing himself for dissappointment in advance.

“You just don’t appreciate good in-universe mythology and the whole red wire through the infinity saga.” Robbe objected. 

“Well I did actually watch endgame, yes.” Aaron said, his pen pointing at the title off-screen. “I don’t know I felt like rewatching it. It’d been a while. But... I mean, it’s a good movie, right?”

“Yeah yeah, Aaron. Don’t worry about my pretentious artsy boyfriend.” Robbe said. “Endgame is great.”

“I will agree on that. Better than anything DC has ever released for sure.” Moyo shrugged. 

“Okay yeah that I can get on board with. Marvel over DC. I’m cool with that.” Sander spoke, concluding the argument in a way to not turn it into a whole debate. He had been 16 not too long ago, watching the superhero tv shows on the CW. But he soon realized nobody at his high school really talked about it. In fact they trashtalked it for the cheap visual effects and the lack of artistic vision, and Sander absorbed most of their opinions as a way to feel part of a collective mind in order to not feel so cut off from everyone.

“And eh... The Godfather. And Scarface.”

“Ah, classics!” Moyo said while clapping his hands. 

“I’d never actually seen them.” Aaron shrugged. 

“What?” Jens frowned. “You laughed with us when Moyo made that imitation of ‘Say Hello To My Little Friend’?” 

Aaron shrugged. “As if you wouldn’t have laughed at me if I told you I had no idea what movie that reference was. I just played along with it like I usually do. So what.” Aaron spoke. 

For Aaron it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Usually whenever the guys would be talking about something that he somehow never heard of, he’d google it in between classes or he’d make sure to do his research in the evening so he could comment on it the next morning on the school yard. 

In the back of his mind there had always been this list of things he should learn about in order to be able to fit in more. Top of that list was being able to play an instrument, because he knew Amber loved John Legend’s song “All of Me” and had commented she loved how he played the piano in the videoclip. So obviously, it had been something Aaron wanted to try. He also wanted to figure out the entire family tree from Star Wars because to this day that still confused him. And he had yet to see The Hobbit movies even though he always prided himself in being a fan of the Lord of the Rings universe. 

He had taken quarantaine as the time to catch up on those things. And all were possible except the instrument, because that required the music store to be opened. So he had written down the movies he wanted to see, and today he had already checked off every single one of the march titles. 

“It’s such an iconic phrase though that I don’t really think he needed to have seen the movie to know what it was about. No need to call people out over a movie.” Sander said, frowning a bit. “I mean, that’s just dumb. Do you really want all of you to have the exact same movie-knowledge? I mean look, he has a pulp fiction poster on his wall. I bet none of you have seen that. And no Robbe, you don’t get to say you have cause you fell asleep after half an hour when we watched it together.” Sander chuckled. 

“Fair enough.” Robbe said, tilting his head. 

“Yeah I haven’t seen Pulp Fiction.” Moyo admitted. 

“Besides, film is often overrated. It is not the end-all be-all art medium. And it’s not the goal of every other art medium to achieve.” Sander said, and he felt like that was the best place to end his plea against making film knowledge a mainstream thing. “I mean you dance, right Moyo? That’s expressive art, would you agree?”

“Wow dude eh... this is not really one of those type of talks.” Moyo frowned, but Sander just stared at the screen and Moyo felt put on the spot. 

“Do you like to watch dance performances? Do you think it takes talent to achieve a good performance, choreography based?” Sander insisted. 

“Eh... well, yeah.” Moyo shrugged. “Dance is... art. I guess. But it’s also a sport.”

“Right.” Sander said, smiling. “Of course, didn’t mean to make it seem like it wasn’t.”

“But I guess I do know what you mean. We all kind of have our things.” Moyo nodded. 

And part of him was glad that the guys weren’t involved in his dancing. That he had taken that step to connect with other people who shared the same passion as him. Growing up, he had attempted to keep his personality as close to himself as possible. There was the color of his skin, which he never really stood out for until he started attending KAB. And from that first day he had tried to keep his interests as close to that of which his friends could relate. 

He never talked to his friends about his experiences that they didn’t share. He never talked about the racism he experienced, or about the struggles in his family due to his mom’s illness. And despite the fact that the boys knew he danced, and that they encouraged him to pursue it as a way to meet new people, Moyo didn’t talk to them about that either. 

It had only been recently that he learned of how certain things are to keep personal, and other things are okay to share. And when Moyo shared to the boys about his mom, he felt like in exchange he had to also keep something to himself. His growing interest in dance, and seeing if he’d like to invest more time in it.

It was a give and take. He had taken dance closer to himself, and he had met a bunch of new people through it so it was a decision he’d never regret. They were just different people than the four guys joining him in the call. And that was okay.

“It would be pretty dumb if all of us were into the exact same things.” Jens agreed. “The world needs diversity and different ideas and different points of view.” he continued. 

“Oh god, Sander, now you’ve triggered the inner philosopher in Jens. He won’t stop talking about it now.”

“Just be glad I’m not high right now.” Jens grinned.

“Are you sure, cause you just ate a whole can of 99 cents ravioli. That doesn’t sound like something sober Jens would do…” Robbe laughed, recalling their multiple visits to kebab places or making instant noodles for cheap after a night of smoking.

“Nah I’m good.” Jens spoke. “By the way, you’re one to talk Ijzermans. I heard you suvived on instant noodles for your first week at the flatshare cause you didn’t want to buy groceries yourself.”

Robbe frowned with his jaw sligtly dropped. “How do you hear about all of these things?”

“Zoë told Jana. Jana told me.” Jens shrugged.

“I swear you’re like Antwerp’s very own Gossip Girl.” Robbe said, shaking his head.

It was kind of adorable to see Robbe get a bit embarassed, and Sander knew he really shouldn’t but he couldn’t help himself with wanting to bring out the blush on his boyfriend’s cheeks. “Don’t worry baby, I haven’t told him any of our secrets.” Sander then winked.

Jens’s faced dropped right away. “I’m sorry wh…”

“Sander, shut up.” Robbe cut in.

“Eh, anything you wanna share Sander, my man…” Moyo said with a grin. “Any secrets about our little Robbe?”

“He’s not saying anything.” Robbe cut in, again.

“Maybe next time guys.” Sander teased, before grabbing his phone and sending Robbe a quick message.

SANDER: [Sorry baby, but I did warn you…]

ROBBE: [You’re the worst.]

Sander peaked up to the screen where he saw Robbe put his phone away and he decided to make that the end of his time in the videocall. “I gotta go finish this project guys, but eh… It was nice talking.” He said, before giving them a quick wave.

He then ended the call and took his phone to finish the conversation with Robbe.

SANDER: [I’d never share anything private or personal with your friends like that baby. But if it really does make you uncomfortable just tell me okay?”

ROBBE: [I know. I will. I love you.]

SANDER:[Love you too. Can we do a call tomorrow? I could really use your opinion on some pieces I’m working on…]

ROBBE: [Sure. Not that my opinion is worth much…]

SANDER: [It’s worth everything to me.]

ROBBE: [Talk to you tomorrow ♥]

SANDER: [I hope you have a good night baby.]

ROBBE: [I’ll try.]


	122. Saturday - 28/03/2020 - 09.23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curtain call for Robbe and Sander.

Sander ripped the paper off his sketchbook and thew it over his shoulder in the general direction of the trashcan. It was a movement as cliché as a struggling artist on the screen in any movie to ever feature one. 

But no movie screenplay could ever be written that would predict why Sander was so unfocussed. Nobody would be ridiculous enough to put all of this year’s events thus far in the same feature film. 

From devastating wildfires on the other side of the planet to the continuous melting icecaps at the north pole. A pandemic and a national political crisis with a frightening peak of extreme right Felmish-nationalism rising in his very own city, and far beyond. What was next, a vulcano erruption? Maybe the dude in North Korea would finally press his big red button and launch a bunch of misiles? 

Sander chuckled to himself imagining the next generation studying this year in their history class. It was only three months in and already it felt like this decade had lasted several years.

He then looked at his calendar, and at the 29th circled on this month, and the next few months too. Four months. And just like that, Sander’s little existential panic about the current state of the world subsided. Because as much as the world out there had gone to shit these last few months, he had also been with Robbe for almost four entire months. And even though time moved impossibly slow these days, a part of Sander would allow himself to daydream about reaching six months. He was optimistic about being able to hold his boyfriend in his arms when that time came. Making up for missing on his own birthday – which he had come to terms with.

But he knew for now he had to be patient. And despite not being able to touch each other, Sander had worn Robbe’s hoodie a few times already, including this morning when he just needed the extra comfort. He was cautious not to overdo it, so that his mom wouldn’t urge him to put it in the laundry. So he kept it for specific moments. Just like the remainder of the weed that they had saved up to smoke together. And right now with the blank page in front of him, it was a temptation he had a hard time ignoring. 

He then checked his phone indicating 9.26AM and he wondered if the grumpy sleepy teenager in his bed over in Berchem would pick up if he called now, or if his studious boyfriend wouldbe on the other end of the call. Only one way to find out. 

As the call connected, Sander pulled out the three pieces he wanted Robbe’s opinion on as they had agreed upon yesterday. But that thought melted from his brain when he saw Robbe lean in to accept the call and then lean away again to put on a shirt. Sander only caught a glimpse of his boyfriend’s skin, and he already felt a devastating itch to touch. “Baby, what the hell was that?”

“Sorry. I literally just got out of the shower when I heard your call. Let me go put on pants for a moment.” Robbe said, smiling, before he dissappeared off-screen. And okay wow, Sander could certainly create a visual in his head for that. 

“I’m back.” Robbe said as he returned to his desk, then smiling brightly. “Hello handsome.”

Sander smiled at the way Robbe’s energy radiated through the screen, making him eager to match his own to it. “Ah, glad to hear you still like me despite all the teasing with your friends yesterday.” Sander grinned. 

They both laughed for a short while, until their laughter died down and Robbe rolled his eyes shaking his head. “It... it didn’t bother me. I just never really had... Like... relationship secret stuff.” Robbe explained, frowning at the words that were coming from is his own mouth. “Like... The boys were literally all there when I first kissed Noor. I never really bothered to hide anything when I pretended I was into girls because I was never invested in that.” Robbe explained, hoping he was making sense in some way.

“Right. I was told you were pretty PDA before us, but I figured that was maybe a tool for you to.. You know...”

“Fight the raging internalized homophobia?” Robbe chuckled. 

Sander shrugged, before nodding slightly.

“Yeah. It... probably was. I just didn’t care about being too public or oversharing. That’s different with us. And I guess I just never really purposefully kept relationship things from my friends.”

Sander hummed and tilted his head. “Because you think they would react differently?”

Robbe thought about that for a moment. “I just think they’re all good with me being gay. And I needed some time to get on board with that myself. So I think it’s just gonna take me a while to be really sharing stories about us. Or at least the type of things that are specific to a gay relationship. If... that’s okay for you.”

“So I shouldn’t tell the boys how you like that strawberry lube from durex the most?” Sander grinned. 

Robbe threw his head back, feeling his cheeks blush. “Yeah, that sort of stuff.” Robbe smiled. 

“Noted.” Sander said, pretending to take notes off screen. He then saw the sketches in front of him. “So do you wanna see what I’ve been working on?”

Robbe nodded eagerly and leaned forward to the screen when Sander showed the pages of his sketchbook. He noticed a theme throughout the works, neither of the figures in them being forward facing and Sander usually didn’t shy away from drawing faces or portrets. There was also a big pressence of shade and dark colors – seemingly a specific charcoal technique.

Robbe didn’t claim to know anything about art or the subconcious pressence of the mind in an artists’ work. But he knew his boyfriend. 

“They look good. I mean... from my point of view that is.” Robbe said, again stressing he didn’t make that comment from a place of knowledge on the subject. “It’s... a bit different than you usually do, no?”

Sander looked back at his own work after Robbe’s comment, and he could see what Robbe meant. He smiled, realizing it would be something only noticed by someone who really knew him well. 

“Yeah I’ve felt a bit... off. So I guess that shows. But do you think it tells a story? Like, visually?” Sander asked. 

Robbe knew Sander needed the confirmation before he’d be willing to talk about the emotions behind the art, so he nodded. “It does. It’s good, in my humble opinion.” he smiled. Then he got a bit more serious. “You know I have no artistic bone in my body but if you wanna share about your process or the mood you were in when you made it...”

Sander looked up, appreciating Robbe’s candor on the subject. He truly did see right through him sometimes. And last night in bed he had been thinking about what to answer when his therapist asked him what his predominant trail of thought had been.

“It’s just been hard, you know. I feel boxed in. Like a kid being told to color in the lines. And I don’t really do well with limits to my own creativity.” Sander spoke, a frown on his face as he subconciously picked up a pencil and started sketching on the blank page in his sketchbook.

“Do you prefer to be at school and stuff?” Robbe asked, knowing he himself had a bit of a struggle with spending this much time in his room. By now there were books on almost every single horizontal surface, and he knew for Sander it was even more beneficial to have the proper work space. 

“I don’t know... I mean I have plenty of space. It’s not like I feel claustrophobic or anything.” He said, looking up at the camera for a moment. “It’s just that I have way less... positive triggers. Stuff that inspires me. Like... just walking through the city and seeing street art. All of that is now just... muted. And it feels weird.”

Robbe frowned and then looked out of his window, trying to recall what the current political opinion was on going for walks. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was allowed, seeing as it was not exactly textbook ‘essential’ but he also knew Sander wasn’t always so strict with the rules. 

“Well, don’t you think the cops have something better to do than to stop you from taking a walk? I mean... if they do just say you’re on your way to the supermarket or something...” Robbe suggested. 

Sander looked up and smirked. “Robbe, are you really suggesting me to break lockdown rules? Because if you are then I might as well just walk directly to your house.” 

Robbe grinned and then swayed his head. “Well that would be a bit far and you also know why we can’t do that. But I’m sure you can find other spots in the city center where you might be able to get some inspiration, no?”

Sander bit his lip, and while Robbe’s pressence was his number one source of inspiration, there were indeed other places he could go to. 

“Well I have an assignment due on Monday and one on Wednesday so I don’t know if I can justify to actually leave the house until I have those finished.” Sander said, recognizing the inner perfectionist in him who wanted to limit his relaxing time until he had actually accomplished what he wanted to accomplish. 

“Well you can just see when you feel like it. I think some fresh air can help either way.”

“Now who’s a bad influence on who...” Sander teased. 

“Who said that?” Robbe asked, and he could tell Sander wasn’t gonna tell. “Sander, who said that? Tell me.”

“Maxim... sort of said I was an idiot for bringing you to buy the weed that one time. And he may have called me a bad influence for that.” he shrugged. 

“Well we did sort of meet at an illegal spraypainting thing...” Robbe smiled. 

Not that they bragged about that to anyone in their group of friends. In fact, it was probably one of the clearest examples of what Robbe meant earlier when not wanting their friends to know the ins and outs of their relationship. In many ways, with the masks and the mystery, that first meeting just felt like something secret and to this day only Noor and Sander’s friends knew about it.

They had never lied about how they met to anyone who asked, but Sander would creatively answer ‘I saw Robbe before that beach trip a few times’ and that had been enough of an answer when they were asked most of the time. 

“Anyways... You’re not a bad influence on me. You just bring out a part of me that doesn’t want to hide away anymore. I don’t want to be too scared to live my life.” Robbe spoke, not coincidentally knowing the right thing to say as he had lately been thinking on where his own bravery had gotten him. If the leaps of faith he had taken recently had been rewarding. And he had concluded that they had. Most certainly.

“My rebel boyfriend.” Sander spoke in awe. He smiled fondly, and then sighed deeply. “Thanks for letting me put to words how I was feeling. I do have an appointment with my psychologist on Thursday but it feels good to talk to you about these type of things with you too.” Sander spoke, wearing his heart on his sleeve for a rare moment. But he needed Robbe to know it meant a lot that he was able to be vulnerable even if they weren’t in physical proximity. Somehow that just really meant a lot. 

“You don’t have to thank me.” Robbe said, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “I just feel like if we’re gonna be stuck in this situation for a while, I want it to actually help us. I want to learn how I can help without actually being there. I want to know I’m doing enough even from afar. I want to love you in every way I possibly can, even in the middle of a pandemic. Espécially then.” 

Sander nodded, and he wanted to say that he was. But then he noticed a hint of conflict on Robbe’s face as he looked away from the camera. And Sander didn’t like it one bit.

“Just... please tell me if I’m not doing enough, okay. Tell me if I’m doing it wrong. Because half of the time I have no idea what I’m doing and - ”

“Robbe, hey hey...” Sander said, snapping Robbe out of his rambling. “You are.... absolutely per-fect, okay? You are not scared to talk about this with me and that’s... that’s so big for me. You make me feel like I’m not alone in this. And you are so so so patient. It’s such a comfort to be at the receiving end of your love – of your willingness to do the best for people.” 

He could tell Robbe was about to protest, but he would have none of that. “You’re sixteen, Robbe. And yet you take on so much responsibility. And I will absolutely never tell you that you’re not doing enough because for me you’re always enough. I don’t need to hold you up to a standard, because whatever you do is enough.”

Robbe fought his insctinct to protest for a while, but eventually it won. “But what if you -”

“What if…” Sander said. “…we’re just two guys who try to get through this pandemic first, without creating expectations on ourselves or each other, okay?” Sander said. He sighed, rubbing his hand over his head leaning back in his chair. “Robbe, baby, I promise that it’s all gonna be fine in the end, okay? We’re gonna be together soon. The universe where that doesn’t happen is one for another Sander and Robbe, okay? In fact… I’m manifesting we’re spending the summer together right here, right now.”

“Sum... Sander, you can’t jinx things like that!”

“I just did. Deal with it.” Sander smiled.

Robbe sighed deeply and shook his head, knowing he had no choice but to get Sander’s positive energy into his own head, and get on the right mindset to a future for them where he didn’t fail miserably. Where the universe only had good things in store for him from now on. And where he wouldn’t have to wait too long anymore to have everything return back to normal. 

“Maybe you àre a bad influence if you’re going to jinx our summer together...” Robbe mumbled.

Sander grinned and shrugged again. “Well if I’m a bad influence, does that mean I should not encourage you to study whatever it is you’re supposed to study?” Sander joked, leaning his chin on his hand.

Robbe groaned looking at his Dutch textbook where he was supposed to read the medieval poem ‘Elegast’ but the prospect of spending the rest of his saturday morning on a videcall with his boyfriend was much more appealing. “You can tell me to do that tonight. For now I just wanna talk to you. You can coach me through this chapter later on.”

“Well I think if you want a lockdown study coach you should ask Yasmina. But reminding you to pick up a book I can do.” Sander said, grabbing out his phone and adding an alarm at 7PM to remind Robbe to study. Then, he showed it to the camera. 

“You’re such a ridiculous idiot...” Robbe laughed.

“And yet you’re dating me...” Sander winked playfully. 

But something in Robbe felt like stressing how chosing a future fort hem was truly the best wish he had ever seen come true. “I’m in love with you. Not much of a choice to it. You were leaning against that doorway at the beach cabin and doing a bunch of illegal shit and I thought ‘please let him be the one to pull me out of this mess’. And you did.” Robbe said. “The rest is history.”

Sander smiled and tilted his head. “Kinda funny you wanted me to be the one to show you what love can look like, since I wasn’t even sure if I'd ever experience it myself. I mean... You know how I felt back then…”

“I recall you telling me that.” Robbe nodded. “Over the smelliest trash container in West-Flanders. And then my dumbass tried to be brave kiss you.”

“I would’ve kissed you back.” Sander grinned. 

Robbe frowned. “So when you walked away after Luca caught us...”

“Well if it was in the moment I wouldn’t have objected but I wasn’t gonna chose to kiss you for the first time next to the trash if I could change that…”

“I seeee...” Robbe said, drawing out the sound. He had always wondered about that. About how Sander’s so obvious intentions to make a move that week always ended up just on the right side of potentially interpreted as platonic, up until that moment.

“You think we can go back after this is all over?” Sander asked, clearly only coming up with the idea just now as he continued sketching where he had started earlier.

Little did he know, Robbe had already set that plan into motion. But he insisted on that being a surprise until Sander’s birthday. 

“Hmm... no I think the beaches are gonna be busy over the summer. I think we should just stay in the city. But we can go to St. Anne’s... Deal?” Robbe suggested as a deviation.

“Deal.” Sander agreed. Because in reality he would agree to spending time with Robbe just about anywhere, as long as it was the two of them. And the first half of 2020 if he could have a preference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, I'm really emotional about these final few chapters so if you have any spare hugs send them my way.   
> I can't believe I've written final scenes (in their dedicated chapters) for most of the characters! It's really coming to an end soon...


	123. Sunday - 28/03/2020 - 15.47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curtain call for Zoë, Milan and yes, Senne.

“Eh Zoë.... I think it’s starting to become brown on top.” Milan said while peaking through the little window in front of the oven. Inside of it was Zoë’s bananabread, which she had promised to make for him this weekend.

“Let me see...” Zoë said, quickly putting the nailpolish applicator back into the bottle and rushing towards the other side of the kitchen. It couldn’t be burning, because it had only been in the oven for 30 minutes. Unless the preheating had been too high. Or Milan had been messing around with the buttons. Damn it. 

Once she got to the oven she peaked through the little screen and she checked the coloring, before deciding to open the oven to be sure. And once she did, she saw there was no reason to panic as the color was precisely right.

“Milan, nothing’s wrong with it. Just 15 more minutes.” Zoë said, before quickly closing the oven and unpausing the timer. She then returned to her seat at the breakfast table, looking up when Milan sighed dramatically. 

“But it smells so good though.” 

“Yeah but it’s better once it’s been in the oven for the proper time.” Zoë said while opening the nailpolish again.

“I guess...” Milan said, then noticing the color Zoë was putting on her nails. “Oooh, will you do mine too?” he smiled, already putting his hand flat on the surface. 

“Can’t you do it yourself?” Zoë asked. 

Milan scrunched up his nose. “No. My hands aren’t as delicate. I always mess up. Please...” he said as he wiggled his fingers in front of her. 

Zoë sighed, realizing she might need to become a bit more strict with giving into Milan’s begging if they were going to spend the next month together. But so far she didn’t have any reason to complain.

The only thing that had actually bothered her during the last two weeks had been, to her own surprise, how quiet the apartment was. Thinking back to the fall, she remembered not keeping track of who was in or out. She had learned to accept the pile of random shoes by the entrance, and she became no longer surprised when random clothes were on the back of the couch.

If it had been more than just the two of them, she might have used the second baking tray that Amber gifted her for her birthday, because there would be plenty of mouths to taste her baking skills if all of them would have been here. 

But now it was just her and Milan. Just Milan’s shower karaoke echoing throughthe apartment. Just the two of them watching a movie on a grey cloudy day. Just Milan to ask for advice on weather her sweather looked okay with the pants. Then again, she didn’t really trust anyone but Milan to give her proper advice on clothes either, so in that aspect not much had changed...

“No no, not the pinky. I want another color for that one.” Milan instructed as Zoë was about to grab the fifth finger. When he saw Zoë look at him with a raised eyebrow, Milan rolled his eyes. “Fine, I’ll do that one myself. Just... Do the rest.” Milan said, indicating his left hand. 

Six short minutes later Milan was blowing air onto his nails while Zoë returned to the kitchen having put away her nailpolish, and she then checked the timer on the oven indicating 13 seconds so she put on the oven gloves and told Milan to not sit in her way as she was about to pull the banana bread out. 

“Do you want a drumroll or something?” Milan asked as he moved to stand in the doorway, and Zoë laughed a little. 

“Sure, go ahead.” she said, before opening the oven and pulling out the baking tray with delicious bananabread.

“It smells good.” Zoë said as she leaned in, picking up the scent. “Okay, let’s cut into it.”

Twenty minutes, and half a banana cake later, Zoë followed Milan into the living room and Milan moved aside from where he sat in the middle of the couch. “Sorry, it’s a habbit I can’t seem so shake.” he explained.

Zoë frowned, chewing on the final piece of her homemade banana bread. “What do you mean?”

“The leftover space. I’m not used to sitting here with just one other person.”

Zoë smiled, realizing the sentiment was similar to what she was thinking about earlier. “Yeah... I thought something similar a while ago. It’s weird that it’s so quiet.”

“And so clean!” Milan said as if it was a bad thing, to which Zoë punched him in the shoulder lightly. “No I mean... no more random socks dissappearing under the couch. No more of that overly commercial testosterone male deodorant stuff.” Milan said. 

And while he was listing the improvements towards unhygienic and otherwise disturbing things, he had a small pout on his face. And when Zoë noticed, the nostalgia hit her. Rushing into her own room when she heard Milan come home with a hookup. Yelling at the boys for airing out the bathroom after they finished showering or they would grow mold. 

For all intents and purposes the disturbances in the flatshare were plenty and numerous and they sometimes made her reconsider staying another year when her lease would be renewed in May. But then there would be moments like this, where it was just them sitting on the couch. And they made it worth it, because these were the moments that made them a family. In the abscence of relatives physically in their lives, they were each other’s comforting pressence. 

“I know. It’s weird. These are weird times.” she said. And when Milan leaned his head on her shoulder, Zoë smiled. 

“You know last year when you guys were all happy for a moment I really thought it was just gonna be me. Well... me and Lisa.” Milan spoke on a serious note. “I really thought you’d move out and Robbe was àlways gonna move out and there’s this thing called empty nest syndrome and I was really scared of being in this apartment by myself.”

Zoë could tell he was pretty serious, and moved her shoulder to look at him. “Milan... you would have found new roommates.” Zoë assured him. 

“But none that make me feel a part of your lives as you guys have.” Milan said, before demanding Zoë to return to her previous position so that he could just stare ahead as he had a heart to heart. “I don’t just consider you my roommates. You’re my friends. And even if you go to college or whatever, you have to promise we will keep our dinner tradition. Once it’s allowed again, of course.”

“I don’t have any plans on cancelling on that any time soon. Speaking off... eh... it’s sunday and I don’t wanna go to the store so I hope you’re okay with bananabread for dinner?” Zoë suggested, 

“Sounds good to me.” Milan said, as he raised his head again and got up from the couch. Just like that he snapped out of his little emotional intermezzo. “Now I’m gonna facetime with Jonathan. Just call me when you wanna eat.” Milan said, before dissappearing around the corner into his room. And so Zoë did the same a few minutes later after concluding her nailpolish had been messed up when Milan had made her rush to the oven earlier. 

She reached for the bottle that she had put away, and stumbled upon a lipstick all the way in the back of the drawer. She picked it up, frowning, and then recognized the case. She opened it cautiously, making sure not to damage it, and then she looked up in the mirror, recalling when she last held it. 

_“Why do you always have to have one of these.” Senne asked, approaching from behind her and his fingers pinching the black hairtie on Zoë’s wrist, the other one resting on her hip._

_“Because....” Zoë said as she looked up, smiling at him in the mirror. “We’re going out to eat. And my hair is growing longer. So to make sure I don’t end up dip-dying it in soy-sauce, I’m bringing a hairtie.” Zoë explained. It casually happened to match with the black strapped top she was wearing, her most date-ish outfit she could put together with half of her stuff in the laundry._

_See if Senne had not insisted that they stayed in bed all day yesterday because it was above 35 degrees, then she would’ve had time to do the laundry for both of them. Instead they cuddled up and then they shared half a tub of vegan ice-cream which was not much to Senne’s taste._

_Considering icecream was their lunch and dinner for the day before, Zoë was more than ready for a full meal now, but while she was all ready to go Senne was still wearing sweatpants. “Baby... We gotta go. It’s already 7...” Zoë said, checking her phone. “And you said you parked your car down the street? How far?”_

_“Eh, like, 30 meters?” Senne replied, trying to recall where he parked two days ago. When Zoë sighed, he smiled at her. “You could drive it up to a spot closer...” Senne said, grabbing his keys from the nightstand and holding them in front of her._

_Zoë grinned and shook her head, walking closer towards him. “No no no. I’m not breaking any laws for underage drivers because you want to see me behind the wheel of your Tesla.”_

_“I think it would be pretty hot.” Senne smiled, before their lips met for a sweet kiss, both their mouths curved into a teasing grin. And when Zoë reached for the ties of Senne’s sweatpants, it briefly seemed like they would arrive even more late to the restaurant._

_“It would be even more hot if you got dressed.” Zoë then whispered into Senne’s ear, before placing a kiss to his cheek and returning to stand in front of the mirror. She then peaked behind her through the mirror to see Senne was changing into his favorite pair of black jeans after mumbling that she was an unbelievable tease._

_“Shall I wear the lipstick you got last week?” Zoë asked, holding up the tube of shade 43, Moulin Rouge. Senne had got it for their two month anniversary, despite Zoë protesting that he didn’t need to splurge on gifts for her on every occasion. But she had still accepted it, and was now admiring the look of the untouched lipstick in front of her._

_“We’re going out to eat so it seems a bit excessive to wear it. Plus it’s messy when I kiss you and I do plan to kiss you.” Senne said with a smirk._

_And so Zoë had put the lipstick back in the drawer, and she had opted for the natural look that would eventually be immortalized on Senne’s instagram with the caption ‘Hangry’._

Zoë took out her phone and turned to instagram, typing in ‘se’ and then clicking on the first account in the suggestions, before scrolling down. August 23rd. It was still there. Along with all the other pictures of them. 

She bit her lip and then looked at the room, where nothing much had changed since the time those pictures were taken. Senne’s stuff was moved in, and then moved out again. But the majority of the room had looked the same as when she moved in here last spring. Same bedding, same quote on the wall. Same lamp. Same clothes on the clothingrack. She had never felt like making that big post-breakup change that people seemed to be a thing. No dramatic haircut, no new color painted onto the wall.

But she wasn’t the same person anymore. She had been through a lot this past year. And she wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing that the space that reflected her the most hadn’t changed throughout all of it. Just like the lipstick, it had remained untouched.

But then again there was this DIY home renovation frenzy amongst the quarantained people, so who knew what the state of this room would be in a little while. For now the only color she was planning to apply was a maroon color to the index finger of her left hand.

Once she had finished, she decided to crawl in bed and opened up the book they had to read for school, determined to read one chapter a day. And if she was a bit unfocussed and eventually fell asleep hugging the empty pillow tightly, then nobody would even know. 


	124. Monday - 30/03/2020 - 17.32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curtain call for Jana and... well, this chapter format.

Jana was in the middle of her history homework when her mom called her name, and she checked the time to see if it was already time for dinner. When that was still a bit early, Jana frowned and she got up, opening the door to her room to figure out what her mom wanted. “Yes?”

Her mom didn’t reply, and Jana sighed deeply knowing this meant she had no choice but to go downstairs. “Why did you call me?” Jana asked, looking at the dining table where Jana’s mom had been sitting all afternoon. But she wasn’t there. Instead she was on the couch, in the middle of a coughing fit.

“You need to finish dinner.” her mom said when she caught a fresh breath of air. “I can’t cook like this.”

“Mom...” Jana said in a concerned voice. “You were having a hard time yesterday too. Do you still have a sore throat? Did that medecine help?” Jana said, already reaching for the water on the table. But as she was about to put it on the coffee table, her mom stopped her. 

“Jana... maybe you should stay back just to be sure. I...” 

She didn’t have to finish her sentence for Jana to know what she meant. What the symptoms meant. All the boxes were checked; her mom was in contact with people at work where the virus had been present, she had a sore throat and was coughing a lot. And knowing her mom, she probably also had a fever but simply wasn’t telling her. And if that was the case then…

No, she couldn’t go there.

“Okay eh... dinner.” Jana then said, as she turned around and walked up to the kitchen. “Chili con carne?” Jana asked as she took the lid of the pot and stirred in it. It was her favorite, and her mom usually made it for her when she was recovering from being sick because it was a good way to re-activate her tastebuds. She got the idea that her mom had tried to do the same thing for herself. Except she wasn’t getting better, instead she was getting worse. 

“Mom, maybe you should go to the doctor, yeah? I can call her for you, see if you can stop by during visitation hours. It would -”

“No Jana, the doctor has patients to care for that are actually sick. I’m... i’m fine. Look, if It's COVID then I will just rest and it will get better on its own. I’m a 45 year old woman, unlike what you sometimes think I’m not yet part of the elderly citizens.” her mom smiled. 

“Well, no, but I’d feel better having a confirmation, you know.” Jana said, before she switched off the stove when the rice was done cooking, and she placed it in a seperate bowl to cool down a bit. When she realized her mom wasn’t replying, she looked up to see her looking in wonder from the couch, which made Jana chuckle. “What, you thought you were going to have to give me instructions?” 

“Well, I have seen you boil pasta and throw on a spoonfull of pesto but...”

“I’ve cooked more complicated things than rice and chili mom.” Jana said, glaring a bit. She knew her mom would obviously not know because she was never there to see it. But there had been times where Jana had cautiously ventured into cooking a casserole or made some salmon.

The chili had been pretty much ready when she got downstairs, so she added the pot to the counter and then grabbed two plates, providing each one with a serving. Then she grabbed cutlery, and balanced the plates on her hands which caused her mom to give her a look that indicated she should know better than to balance the food like that. 

“Careful...” 

“I got it.” Jana said, putting her mom’s plate down on the coffee table with a fuly stretched out arm, while she herself took a seat on the far end of the couch. She searched for the blanket, and when she noticed her mom had it, she pouted. 

“Sorry sweetheart. But, eh....” Jana’s mom bit her lip for a moment and then switched the plate between her hands. “That bottom cabinet has another one. If you want.” She said pointing at the built-in cabinet against the wall.

Jana looked up and frowned, not recalling them ever having had a blanket other than the dark grey one that her mom always draped nicely but Jana refused to. It was a blanket, not a sculpture. But since it seemed like they would no longer be able to share everything – and Jana realized this also meant washing her hands even more often – she figured having a spare wouldn’t hurt. 

She walked over to the cabinet her mom had pointed towards, and pulled out a dark blue blanket, which triggered a sensation of sadness without her really knowing why. Then she put the soft fabric to her cheek, and she remembered. 

“It was your dad’s favorite. He always used to cover you both with it when he would read you a bedtime story.”

“In his lounge chair.” Jana nodded, remembering with a smile. She then breathed in the scent. It was still there, even after all those years. “Are you sure?”

“I guess I’m hesitant to have it out here for other people but since it’s gonna be just the two of us for a while... Go ahead.” Jana’s mom nodded. 

Jana smiled widely and sat back down on the couch with the blanket draped around her, before she continued her food. She then almost spilled in her excitement, only able to correct her spoon in a quick reflect, and from the corner of her eye Jana could see her mom freeze up for a moment. Note to self, do not stain dad’s blanket. 

They then switched the tv to one of the soap opera’s that were on around this time of the evening, and it then suddenly hit that they wouldn’t have the cheesyness of flemish tv if they moved to New York. 

Jana’s face must have displayed the sudden sadness, because as she put down her plate, Jana’s mom leaned forward so that she could look at her daughter’s expression. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I was just...” Jana sighed and looked at the tv. “We won’t have this in New York.” she said. “It will be so weird not to hear flemish on tv...”

“As if 99% of the things you watch aren’t already in English.” her mom teasingly replied, but when she could tell Jana was more upset than she thought, she tried to come up with about a better response. “But you can still talk to your friends. They have all sorts of videocall apps now. There will be a time difference, sure. But if it’s about the flemish, I think that wouldn’t be an issue. And they could help you maintain your french too. You said Zoë was good at French, right?”

Jana then took a deep breath and turned to her mom. “Mom, the girls don’t know about New York.” She bit her lip and put the spoon down into the plate, she was nearly finished anyways. She then turned back to her mom. “I haven’t told them. I don’t know how. And now, with you being sick I...”

Jana’s mom ran a hand through her hair, sighing deeply. “Well... Obviously we’re not moving after easter break like we planned. I can’t go anywhere any time soon, that’s for sure.” she said, then looking at her daughter. “And I know we haven’t talked about the specifics because we got to this quarantaine as the move got closer. But that isn’t a reason not to tell your friends sweetheart. The job is obviously gonna be for after corona but you shouldn’t wait that long to tell them considering how long you’ve known now.”

Jana clenched her teeth and looked away. She didn’t appreciate her mom telling her how to handle telling the girls. She had never been in this position herself, so it was up to Jana to decide how and when she was going to tell them. Although she was aware of the fact that she had purposefully not told them for a while though. 

“I just... I don’t know what to tell them, mom. Two years ago we decided I was going to transfer to KAB and I had to start from scratch to find people other than my boyfriend to hang out with. On top of that I also had my ex-best friend treating me like trash and honestly, I had never felt more alone than I did that first month. But then I met them. Then I met Zoë and Amber. And Luca and Yasmina. And I found friends who didn’t care about the drama with Britt. They liked me. For me.” Jana explained. She then aimlessly dropped her hands in her lap. “And now I’m supposed to tell them I’m moving to the other side of the world before we get to experience our last year together?”

Jana was crying at this point, tears rolling down her cheeks and the thing she needed the most right now was a hug from her mom. But she knew she couldn’t get that, so instead she got up from the couch and grabbed the two plates to take them back to the kitchen. 

“Jana wait, you don’t have to go. Look, I know New York is hard -”

Her mom’s attempt to talk was cut off by another series of coughs.

“No mom, you don’t.” Jana said as she turned off the faucet a bit harshly. “That’s why we’ve been like this ever since you told me. Because you just made the decision without even for ten seconds considering what it meant for me. So don’t tell me you know. You know nothing.”

“I considered it Jana.”

“But what? Your professional success is worth me sacrificng the most significant year of my life? Pros and cons and that big con of me having to leave my entire family behind just didn’t outweight the rest of it?”

Jana returned to the living room, where she grabbed her dad’s blanket. It helped to immediatly calm her down, and give a sensation of comfort and she realized she was launching a bit of an attack. “Sorry, I just… I knew you’d react this way. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

The fact that she had postponed the reveal to the girls for too long now was something she could agree with, and she knew her mom meant well in urging her to get it over with. Despite of it, she knew she couldn’t stay downstairs and watch a movie like they had planned. And when her mom started coughing, Jana took a step back instinctively. ”Just... don’t lecture me on when and how I tell my friends. They’re my family too and I just need to gather a bit more courage to actually tell them.”

And then, the most surprising answer came from her mom. “I know they are.”

Jana blinked a few times, figuring out what her mom was replying to. Then she remembered calling her friends her family, which was true. But she had never actually said it to the person that was her family in a biological sense.

“Yeah, well, then…. Then you need to understand that it’s not an easy thing to announce. I see them almost every day. They know me, they don’t judge me and I honestly don’t think I’ll find friends like that when we move.” Jana explained, trying to put the feeling into words of how much she felt like she was being ripped in half. Part of her would always remain here. In Berchem, their little neighbourhood where she had crashed her bike on numerous sidewalks. The city, where she had a running top 5 of best coffee places and an online checklist of best fastfood or take-out options which was on a shared google drive word doc with Jens and Robbe. 

“So let me handle it. You just take care of yourself and please call the doctor.”

“Okay. I will. You’re going back to your room?”

Jana frowned, for the second time in one night her mom knowing Jana better than she thought she did. “Eh, yes. I’ll be back downstairs for snacks later, probably.” Jana said, before turning around and walking back up to her room 

Once she got there, she immediatly walked to her dresser and she took out the picture of her, her mom and her dad at the Christmas Market in Brussels when she was around 6 years old. It was a picture that had been in that same drawer for years, never too far for her to reach for but not on display because seeing it daily would eventually make her miss him more. But every now and then she liked to look at it, and in combination with the soft texture of the blanket she held against her cheek it allowed her to feel like a kid again. 

In reality, and something her mom seemingly only slowly seemed to realize recently, she had been fending for herself like an adult for several years now. She had been alone at the house for days on end. She had watched self-defense videos when she was 15 because her mom never sat her down to talk about it. She had watched her mom depart on Christmas day at 7PM because she had to catch a flight to Sweden. So yes, she had to turn to friends instead of family. She had shared and connected with the people she did see on a daily basis. And she didn’t need her mom interfering with that part of her life when she had considered herself not needed in Jana’s life on other times. Like it wasn’t already bad enough Jana lost one parent.

She put the picture back where it came from after taking another moment to appreciate the smiles on the three of them, and then sat back on her bed. She closed her history homework research tabs, and instead opened up maps and typed in ‘United Nations New York’, before watching the globe spin from Antwerp to the Big Apple and there it was. Her mom’s future job. Her future home.

And she realized she just couldn’t. She tried to imagine herself living there, being surrounded by skyscrapers and Americans. But all that came to mind was the times she’d miss back here in Antwerp. Their graduation party, and every other occasion they could think of to have a party. The chill afternoons and the impossible monday mornings.

And the truth was that nobody knew what the next few weeks or months were going to look like. If things would ever get back to a sense of ‘normal’ or if their lives had forever changed. But regardless in what shape or form – digital or in person – she knew she could count on her friends, each and every single one of them. And no matter where she would go, they were part of her future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over the last week I've read a lot of dm's and comments of people saying they're not ready for this fic to end and let me just tell you, I'm right there with you. I'm so not ready.  
> Which is why I have postponed the writing of the final chapter up to this very point. But the next chapter will be the last one. 
> 
> DM me on Twitter (@TayaTinkerbell) if you have anything you wanna share before the end.   
> I'm also saying a genuine thank you in advance to the people who have helped me figure out how to do this final chapter justice and giving me prompts and a concept to work with.
> 
> So let's go. One more for good measure ;)


	125. Tuesday - 31/03/2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The last, 125th chapter of this fic. The one that people kept asking me about if I knew how I was going to write it, how I was going to end it.   
> This fic that has been mine, and our, home for the last 7 months. The one with the (almost) daily chapters. With over 240.000 words of storylines for you all to enjoy during a pandemic lockdown and during a time where we all needed a bit of a community. And this fic has that community. And I wanna say thank you to those people. 
> 
> Thank you to the discord community for letting me update (and essentially self-promote) on the progress of this massive fic.   
> Thank you to all of the nice people in the comments and my dms on Twitter who have messaged me with their reactions and feedback and kind words. Especially Cecilie and Haz for never giving me the impression that I was boring you with all the brainstorming during our calls.   
> Thank you to wtfockdown for giving me the motivation to tie this fic into the canon universe we know (and love) and for leading the way when it comes to dynamic storytelling and creative writing sollutions. 
> 
> As most of you might know, my plan was always to tie into canon so the next 'day' in this fic's universe is April 1st which is the first day of Wtfockdown so everything from here on out follows those storylines.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy. And don't hesitate to let me know what you thought of this story's wild ride the last few months. Was it what you expected when you first clicked on the title? Have you been reading from the beginning? I love hearing from you guys so you can leave a comment below, DM me on Twitter (@TayaTinkerbell) and after a lovely shoutout from sanderxrobbee on Tumblr I was reminded I also have a profile there so you can send me an ask there too (totallytinkerbell on Tumblr).
> 
> Now enough of my emotional rambling. Let's get this chapter going, shall we.

BRITT: [Hey, I know it’s pretty random but I’ve been doing some spring cleaning and I found some stuff]

BRITT: [Attachment: 310320200937.jpg]

SANDER: [Hi]

SANDER: [I had wondered where I left those]

BRITT: [I guess you must have left them here last summer.]

BRITT: [What do you want me to do with it?]

SANDER: [Eh... Can I come pick it up?]

SANDER: [Or you can drop it off.]

BRITT: [Or I could drop it off]

BRITT: [Haha, great minds think alike.]

SANDER: [Yeah...]

BRITT: [I’ll drop it off tomorrow afternoon. Does 4PM work for you?]

SANDER: [That works. Thanks.]

BRITT: [No problem.]

~

Britt clicked on the video icon on facebook messenger and saw her own face appear at the bottom of the screen. She leaned her head on her hand, while waiting for the other end of the call to connect. 

“Hey!” Noor said, before frowning. “Oh fuck, my hair looks weird.” she said while using her own reflection to fix the way her bangs fell. “Sorry. So... did you message him?”

Britt nodded, looking at her phone. “Jup, tomorrow at 4PM I’m dropping off the art supplies.”

“And the hoodie?” Noor asked with a smirk, knowing Britt was considering keeping it because it was really really comfortable. 

“That too.” Britt said, with a smile. She reached out for the soft material on the bed next to her. “It’s not mine to keep, no matter how comfortable it is. I didn’t mention it in the message but yeah. I’m giving it back.” Britt sighed. 

“I’m proud of you.” Noor smiled. “So how are things, otherwise?”

“Oh you know, same old. I’m glad I cleaned my room yesterday though. It always gives me this calm feeling when everything is nice and cleaned. I could spend an entire afternoon just tidying things up and that would be a good day for me.”

“Maybe you should study interior design then...” Noor suggested, knowing Britt had been thinking about her study choices one year from now. Which was perhaps a bit soon, because nobody else she knew was considering those things a whole year in advance. But then again this was a pandemic, and they did have a lot of free time on their hands. 

“I’m pretty sure my parents don’t consider that to be an actual profession.” Britt said. “I’m supposed to make a ‘contribution to society’ remember.” Britt said in a mocking voice. 

Noor laughed, straightening her shoulders. “In that case you should study finance then. We’re gonna need all the brains we can get to pull us out of this financial disaster.”

Britt let out a bored sigh, and she shook her head. “No, I’ll leave that to someone else.” she said while tracing the spiral pattern on her pillowcase. “What about you? How are things going?”

Noor shrugged. “Pretty good. I just miss being out with people. I miss our peoplewatching coffeeshop afternoons.” she said with a fond smile.

“Yeah, me too.” Britt nodded. “We should really do that as soon as the lockdown is lifted, yeah?”

“Definetly. And then we can find you a cute boy...”

Britt smiled and rolled her eyes. “You’re really not giving up on that, are you...”

“No.” Noor smiled. “You deserve it. And I’m sure there’s someone out there for you. Maybe we just need to look in a totally different direction. Like... eh.... Oh, does your brother not have any friends that are cute?”

“Bas?” Britt frowned, and when Noor nodded Britt thought about it, her finger still following the dark blue lines on the pillow in her lap. “I don’t know...”

“That wasn’t a no...” Noor said with peaked interest. She knew her friend, and she knew Britt was maybe a bit picky with boys. Now even more so than before. 

“Well they’re my brother’s friends. That’s... kind of weird, no?”

“Only if your brother has some sort of bro code about it... But he seems chill, right?”

“Bas is fine, as far as brothers go.” Britt shrugged. She then looked up. “And I guess his friends aren’t all too bad either. There’s this one friend of his... Jonas. He’s kinda cute.”

Noor clapped her hands in excitement. “Well there you go. You can ask Jonas out.” She then checked her phone where she received an incoming message, and realized she had totally forgotten to ask... “Hey eh... speaking of your brother. Does he happen to have any more weed that you know of?”

~

NOOR: [Bas wasn’t a success either...]

JENS: [Damn. Seems like the whole city is running out...]

NOOR: [It does look like it]

NOOR: [As long as the borders with the Netherlands are closed...]

JENS: [Yeah well once this is over I’ve already planned to go with my dad to Utrecht for a few days.]

NOOR: [Just for weed?]

JENS: [And some sightseeing, of course]

JENS: [Maybe I’ll meet someone and we’ll hit it off and then I might just move there after all.]

NOOR: [Then I wish the two of you best of luck 😉]

JENS: [Kidding]

NOOR: [Maybe you can ask Milan for some recommendations...]

JENS: [Milan?]

NOOR: [He’s from Utrecht...]

JENS: [Didn’t know that.]

JENS: [I bet he’d accidentally send me to a gay bar or something...]

NOOR: [What would be so bad about that? 😉]

JENS: [Eh, I don’t know...]

JENS: [The fact that I’m not gay?]

NOOR: [Such black and white thinking Jens. You know better than that.]

NOOR: [You’ll never know unless you try 😉]

NOOR: [Isn’t that something we both know very well?]

~

Jens heard the incoming call notification and he switched tabs, accepting the call when he saw it came from Moyo, and he looked down at his phone while the call was connecting.

Moyo adjusted the screen a bit so he had a better angle, and in doing so he realized he needed a new computer, asap. But he knew his parents would never pay for it, so the only way to get there was by getting a weekend job. “Hey man. Wow, okay... What are you grinning at?”

Jens looked up, not aware that he was being so obvious. “Eh... what?”

“You were grinning like an idiot while looking at your phone. I see you Stoffels, I see you...” Moyo said, waving his finger at the camera with a smile.

“What, there’s nothing to see...” Jens denied. 

“Did you download Tinder after all then?” Moyo grinned. “That’s it isn’t it? You got some hot chick from Tinder in your dms....” Moyo teased. 

Jens sighed, because he knew that the one thing he liked less than Moyo knowing he was texting with Noor was him thinking he was talking to people on Tinder. He realized that at this point he might as well confess. “It’s Noor. I’m... talking to her. I have for a while.” 

Moyo reached for a biscuit off-screen and froze while chewing it when he heard Jens. “Noor? Noor Bauwens? Robbe’s ex?” Moyo repeated, running his hands through his hair. He must have heard wrong. Maybe he needed new headphones too.

“Yes, her.” Jens chuckled with a frown. There weren’t that many people called Noor. 

“Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man.” Moyo said, the biggest smirk appearing on his face. He then reached for his phone. 

“What?” Jens asked, a bit confused to Moyo’s reaction. But then Moyo showed the screen of his phone, showing the chat with Noor from half an hour ago.

“We’ve been texting too.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Jens laughed.

~

LUCA: [Question]

LUCA: [Are there gonna be any more Broerrrs vlogs?]

MOYO: [Eh, hi?]

MOYO: [Well obviously not right now...]

MOYO: [But when we can we will continue filming some cool stuff, yeah.]

MOYO: [Why?]

LUCA: [They’re kind of entertaining]

LUCA: [And during quarantaine I could use something to pass the time.]

MOYO: [I’ll let the boys know you’re a fan then 😉]

LUCA: [Oh no no... I think you misunderstood.]

LUCA: [They’re entertaining because they’re super cringey.]

MOYO: […]

MOYO: [Well thanks for that.]

LUCA: [You gotta know how to handle constructive criticism Moyo. Not everyone likes what you like.]

~

“Hey girl.” Yasmina smiled, and then she laughed when she saw Luca’s silly face on the other end of the call. “So beautiful...”

“I know right.” she said, looking down cross-eyed. She then shrugged and looked in the camera with a normal expression. “Anyways... What were we going to videocall about? I sort of forgot...”

“The team assignment? For Rayl?” Yasmina reminded her, and she really wondered why she always had to remind people that it was a thing. They hadn’t gotten their final grade yet, and they would need to do several videocalls to get the project finished with the new instructions the teacher had given them. 

And since there was four of them, it had proven extra difficult to actually find a time to meet up, so Yasmina had alternatively scheduled one-on-one calls so that they could agree upon who would do what. 

“Right. Eh, I’m doing the powerpoint. I already set up all the slides.” Luca said, while opening the presentation on her computer. “There’s 12, including the title slide.”

“Okay. That’s good. I heard some other teams have very long presentations but I think ours should be short, to the point.”

“Yeah. Exactly. And then we just need to make sure one of the boys uploads the document.”

“Yeah Aaron is doing the conclusion after Robbe had added his part so I’ll tell him to upload the pdf.” Yasmina nodded, then clicking on the link Luca said her to look through the presentation.

She made a few comments, and they adjusted a few things, but for the most part it was ready to go, which was a relief because she wasn’t really feeling like making huge changes at this point.

“Okay, I’ll put the finishing touches to this. I’ll send a final version to you on… Sunday? And then I’ll upload on Monday.” Luca nodded.

“Sounds good.” Yasmina smiled.

“Now, something completely different… I just dm’ed Moyo about the vlogs. And you were right, they do take it completely serious. Like… he thought I was a fan?” Luca laughed.

Yasmina clicked her tongue. “Yeah I really don’t get what those boys are spending their time on honestly…”

“The male species is sometimes a bit of a waste of good organs if you ask me. Maybe I should just start dating girls.” Luca joked.

“Well they’re not àll that bad. But whatever works for you, I guess…”

Luca’s jaw dropped when she remembered. “Oh right! Your moroccan loverboy, you mean?”

Yasmina rolled her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Luca…”

“Oh come on. You know your secret is safe with me.” Luca teased.

“Okay we’re done here. Bye Luca.”

~

YASMINA: [But make sure to upload it in pdf. It’s specifically in the instructions...]

AARON: [Got it.]

AARON: [So by Tuesday next week then?]

YASMINA: [No the pdf report has to be uploaded before Sunday.]

YASMINA: [And the presentation on Tuesday. That’s the powerpoint that Luca is going to finish.]

AARON: [Sunday. Oh crap...]

YASMINA: [Yeah so you have to make sure Robbe sends you his part on time.]

AARON: [Right. I’ll ask if he’s finished it already.]

YASMINA: [He hasn’t. I asked yesterday.]

YASMINA: [So remind him.]

AARON: [I’m gonna need to remind myself to do it...]

AARON: [So many assignments, our teachers seem to think we have no life...]

YASMINA: [From what I hear you’re spending plenty of time texting Amber though...]

AARON: [Yeah but aside from that actually also doing a movie-marathon.]

AARON: [I watch two movies every day these days...]

AARON: [Cause you know, the days are so slow...]

YASMINA: [Aaron, I don’t really care about your movies...]

YASMINA: [Just don’t miss the deadline. And don’t forget to upload it in pdf. And don’t forget to remind Robbe.]

AARON: [Okay.]

~

“Hey. One moment, I just need to put all this away...” Aaron said while he cleared some stuff from his desk so he could properly speak to Amber. 

“What’s all that then?” Amber frowned. 

“School stuff. I’m working on that group project with Yasmina, Luca and Robbe remember.” Aaron said, closing his notebook and just throwing it on the floor next to his desk to be rid of it. He would resume the school work later. “But I’m glad you called, and I’m all yours now. How are things?”

Amber sighed and shrugged. “It’s boring. I’m basically on the zara website every day because I’m so tempted to do some online shopping. But I know once I start I’m gonna be ordering something new all day and that’s not smart.” Amber pouted. 

Aaron smiled, finding it simply adorable the way Amber pouted and he wished he could reach through the screen and kiss her to make her happy again. “Maybe you could... eh... get a giftcard? And then you won’t spend too much but you can still buy something nice for yourself?”

Since their group project he had been paying some attention to how the economy handled this situation. He had seen businesses selling giftcard during lockdown so they could be used once the store was re-opened. 

“That’s... actually a really good idea. Oh but which store should I get one from then? Probably Zara, right? Yeah, I’m doing Zara.” Amber said excitingly. She typed away on her computer, but then she caught herself being distracted and while she knew some retail therapy was needed, she also wanted to talk to her boyfriend. “But I’ll do that later. How is, eh... How is the movie marathon going.”

Aaron sighed. “You don’t have to show interest or anything... I know you don’t really want to hear about it.” Or so everyone had been telling him.

Amber frowned and leaned in. “Why would you say that? I do. I don’t want to be distracted by something else and I want to know how you day goes and what your plans are.”

“Okay...” Aaron said, still a bit hesitant. When Amber gave him an encouraging nod, he smiled. “Well I’m watching Inception later today. It’s with eh, Leonardo Dicaprio. You like him?”

Amber scrunched up her nose. “Don’t really know what other people see in him. From what I can tell he just dates girls that are way too young for him. Besides, why would I like him when I already have you.”

Aaron smiled widely. “That’s so cute of you to say.” He sighed happily. “What did I do to deserve such a sweet girlfriend like you.”

“Aw…”

“No I’m serious. Amber, you’re really the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

~

AMBER: [Jana, I just heard that that William guy has COVID!]

AMBER: [You haven’t met up with him anymore, have you?]

JANA: [No, I haven’t]

JANA: [Why would you think that?]

AMBER: [I don’t know? You seemed indifferent about him being a fuckboy so...]

JANA: [Yeah but I didn’t start a thing with him.]

JANA: [He’s an asshole.]

AMBER: [Yeah not all guys can be like Aaron...]

JANA: [That’s totally true.]

JANA: [So everything is okay with you guys? After that whole thing with Britt spreading rumors?]

AMBER: [Yes. He just told me I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had so we’re more than okay.]

JANA: [But... has he had any other girlfriends?]

AMBER: [No....]

JANA: [Right...]

~

[Luka Lemmens just sent a video]

“Hey Jana! Eh yeah, a bit random perhaps but with this whole lockdown thing I’ve been going through some stuff from last year. And I realized we always had a good time together. Like... we were good together, you know. And I think it’d be a shame if we just let that vibe go to waste. I’m not seeing anyone right now, and from what I hear you’re not either. And I know I moved away from Antwerp but Leuven really isn’t that far by train and I guess I’ll be in the city a few times over the summer too. Hopefully this whole situation is over by then. Oh but don’t tell Marie though. She has been trying to get back together and I don’t know if you’re in touch but she’s been a bit clingy and stuff. But the two of us, now that would be something. Anyways eh, just let me know what you think. I’m here in the beautiful city of Leuven, where there’s lots of parties and stuff so I’m sure you would enjoy it. Well, not right now. Right now it’s a bit dead. But yeah, you know what I mean. Eh... yeah that was kind of all I wanted to say. Hope you’re doing well. I can’t wait to see you. Peace out.”

~

LUKA: [Hey dude! What’s up!]

SENNE: [Yo.]

LUKA: [So how apocalyptic is it in my hometown? Must be pretty crazy over there...]

SENNE: [It’s mostly just quiet. For being a big city we don’t really have that many cases so....]

LUKA: [Oh okay. That’s chill.]

LUKA: [My mom told me people are wearing masks and stuff. Such overreacting. Boomers, amirite?]

SENNE: [It’s not overreacting. This thing is a pandemic Luca...]

LUKA: [Yeah but sitting on a dusty bus with a mask on is just such a pain. I don’t plan on taking the train up there as long as that’s manditory...]

SENNE: [Then you will have to wait a while longer]

SENNE: [But once we get the green light we’ll go out for drinks for sure.]

LUKA: [Yes! And then you can introduce me to your lady...]

SENNE: [Sure, if she feels like joining...]

LUKA: [But she drinks right? She knows how to gave a good time? Because Zoë was a bit of a buzzkill in that aspect man...]

SENNE: [She was fine with other people drinking, she just made that choice for herself.]

LUCA: [She’s your ex, man. You don’t have to defend her anymore.]

SENNE: [Whatever]

~

“Ah, yes. Finally someone to talk to who understands my anguish...” Milan sighed dramatically. 

“Eh... hi Milan. What’s up?” Senne replied with a chuckle. He missed Milan’s antics though, he couldn’t deny that. 

“What’s up is that I feel like the university has gone a bit insane. Did you read that e-mail from Van Goethem?” Milan said, while clicking at his computer. “And then they post this thing on instagram to encourage us to ‘share our stories’. I mean, as if we don’t have enough to do already, they’re asking us to help them with their marketing strategy...”

“Okay okay... Milan. Chill.” Senne said, noticing how Milan was getting completely worked up about this. “What is really going on? Because there’s no way this is about the university...”

Milan looked at the camera and sighed. Well, he should have perhaps chosen someone to vent at who doesn’t know him that well. “I don’t know.”

“You do, Milan.” Senne said, rolling his eyes a little. He didn’t mind dragging it out of him, he really didn’t. Milan had often enough sat him down and forced him to talk too, so now he could return that favor. 

“Well... You probably know a thing or two about it as well... But it’s really hard to be in a relationship during all of this. And then you get stupid e-mails like that from the university and it just all seems so very trivial. And they cancelled Eurovision this year Senne.”

Senne chuckled and shook his head. “Milan, it’s normal to feel like that though. I don’t know you and Jonathan but yeah, I can imagine it a little bit. It’s never fun not to be around the people you want to spend time with and have the government tell you what you can and can’t do. It’s also not fun to have the university be this engaging cause yeah, you’re right, it does all feel a bit trivial. But literally every student is feeling like that right now. I’m pretty sure of that.”

“Yeah it does seem like the teachers in high school lack the same empathy as our professors do...” Milan said. “Zoë got a bunch of assignments yesterday so she’s a bit stressed.” Milan said, lowering his voice because as far as he knew Zoë was still in her room but she could be in the living room by now.

And that was something Senne also realized, and the thought that she might be able to hear them talking wasn’t assuring to him. “Milan... She doesn’t know anything right?”

“Know what?” Milan whispered. 

“About the Viktor thing. That we orchestrated him leaving town again?” Senne reminded him.

Milan made an ‘oh’ face without actually producing sound and then shook his head. “No no. She doesn’t know about any of that. We don’t really... I mean, she doesn’t really ask. The other day we were talking about the flatshare and how empty it is now and I think she said she might videocall Robbe later today. We kind of miss the time when all of us lived here.”

Senne nodded, smiling. “Yeah. It was nice to have people around. Especially now, in hindsight...” Senne said, looking around at his own empty apartment. He wouldn’t have minded having a few roommates here to keep him company or to just play a round of cards with. At this point he’d be down for any of that. 

Senne cleared his throat, snapping himself out of the loneliness spiral. “But eh, yeah I see things appearing on instagram so it seems like everyone is hanging in there.” 

“We try our best. And Robbe and his boyfriend are the cutest aren’t they?” Milan smiled. 

“They seem good together, yeah.” Senne nodded.

Milan sighed. “You know Senne I really wished you could’ve been here at the end of exam party. That was so much fun. Like... I sometimes don’t get why you and Zoë can’t just be in the same room together. You could just be friends or something? Can’t you guys try to make that work?”

Senne sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair. “Milan... It’s not that easy.” he explained. 

And it wasn’t like Senne hadn’t been thinking about it. Especially with the texts from Luca, Senne realized that his first instinct was still to defend Zoë. He knew that a part of him would never be able to hate her or even dislike her or tolerate people talking bad about her. He cared about her, and the potential of a friendship between them was something he had been wondering about lately. But then lockdown came and he was stuck in this apartment by himself so there would not be a way to work through everything that transpired over the winter months. Things Zoë didn’t even know about.

“But it can be. Especially now. You don’t have to physically meet but you can message each other. Honestly, Senne, it’s not as bad as it was in the beginning. I think she’d be kind of happy to hear from someone. Other than me and the girls. We all need friends in this time.”

“Milan, we agreed not to be in touch anymore. We made that choice...”

“And now the world is falling apart, Senne. Things change. People need people.” Milan said. “Just... don’t let your pride stand in the way of it. And don’t let hers either.”

Senne smiled softly. “We’ll see...”

“Yeah you do that. And now I’m gonna go and talk to my boyfriend. Glad we were able to give each other some good advice though.” Milan winked. “Bye handsome.”

“Bye Milan...”

~

MILAN: [What’s for dinner.]

ZOË: [I don’t know. I’m sure there’s still a frozen pizza in the oven or something...]

MILAN: [Are you saying you don’t have anything planned?]

ZOË: [No Milan, I don’t have anything planned.]

Milan frowned at his phone and then got up. He had sort of lost track on his videocalls, first with Senne and then with Jonathan, so by now it was already 8PM. He opened the door to the hallway and as he walked through it he couldn’t see Zoë anywhere, the door to her room closed. Naturally, Milan decided to knock. “Zoë?”

“What is it, Milan?” Zoë asked from the other side of the door. 

“Well since there’s no dinner I figured I’d get something delivered. Or... you can finally show me how that ‘too good to go’ app works? Then we can support the local businesses ànd fight food waste. But... you’ll have to open the door first.”

Zoë appeared a few moments later with that look that said she was going to regret this, but as Milan walked in her room there was no going back now.

“I was thinking poké bowls? Or do you have another preference?” Milan asked as he jumped on the bed.

“Just decide on something Milan. I’m calling Robbe in 15 minutes though...” 

“Poké bowls it is. So, that app... Is it ‘too’ with two o’s or....”

~

“Hey Zoë.” Robbe smiled. 

“Hey.” Zoë said, before she heard Milan shout hi from the hallway. “Milan says hi too.”

“Oh, is he joining?” Robbe asked. 

Zoë shook her head. “Nope. He is in charge of food for one evening. I didn’t really feel like cooking anything.” Zoë said, rubbing her neck. 

And Robbe had lived with her for several months, so he recognized she was stressed out right away. “What’s up?”

“Huh? Nothing.” Zoë said, looking up from where she had been distracted by hearing the front door close. 

“Zoë, come on.” Robbe said, tilting his head. “You can talk to me...”

Zoë sighed and looked away. She had planned this videocall bcause she wanted to chat and talk about the good days of them being roommates, not to be confronted on her own feelings. But then again, how could she expect people to be genuine with her if she couldn’t be genuine with them. Robbe had become like a brother to her, and family was scarce these days. “I guess it’s all a bit overwhelming.”

“School?” Robbe guessed. 

Zoë shrugged. “Kind of everything together. My parents being in a whole different country. Milan’s constant Eurovision chatter. I don’t really go on walks anymore, and I just feel like it’s all so much. And because we’re stuck inside you can’t escape it for a moment, you know.”

Robbe nodded, an empathic smile on his face. “Yeah, it’s hard for sure.”

“I just never really cared about appearing strong to the outside world but I feel like now more than ever there’s just so much pressure to be productive and to embrace this for the opportunity it is. To use this me-time, and all that spiritual stuff. But then you get like three assignments due on the same day and you can’t wonder but ask if we did this to ourselves by labelling us at the generation who could do it all...”

“The generation who could do it all..” Robbe echoed. Then he chuckled. “Well we can show up at climate protests and we can try to vote for something that represents inclusivity and a better future, instead of Vlaams Belang, but that’s pretty much all I see in our power right now.” Robbe spoke. He suprised himself a bit with where that came from, but it was the truth. “Just... don’t let the pressure get to you, okay?”

“I try.” Zoë sniffed. 

“Zoë... you are one of the strongest people I know. But I also know a lot of the times you are there more for others than you are for yourself. You don’t have to put others before yourself. Not ever, but especially not now. If you need that assurance, I’ll give it to you. You càn take a break, Zoë.” 

Zoë smiled at the kind words. “Where did all this wisdom come from? The Robbe I lived with could hardly boil an egg...”

Robbe laughed, and shrugged with his hands up. “I had good people around me these last few monhs. You’re one of them. And someone else told me this....” Robbe said, while trying to recall Moyo’s words from last fall. “You can just take it day by day. Whatever assignment is due today you can work on. The one from tomorrow is tomorrow’s issue. Or... Hour by hour. You don’t have to have dinner figured out when you wake up in the morning. My mom and I have eaten croques twice already because we want something quick and easy, and well... They’re croques.”

“Croques are a snack, Robbe.” Zoë objected. “Or lunch, at most. Don’t tell me you’ve been eating them for dinner?” Zoë gasped. 

“We have. But who cares. The world is kind of a shit place right now, so fuck society’s approval. Do what works best for you. And if all fails, take it minute by minute. Just give yourself that minute to cry your heart out if you have to. And then you can see what you wanna do when that minute is over.”

“A minute is not that long...” Zoë said with a smile.

“It’s not. But sometimes it’s all you need to let it out and feel okay again.”

~

ROBBE: [Sorry I didn’t reply for a bit. Just videocalled Zoë.]

SANDER: [Ah that’s nice!]

ROBBE: [Yeah. She seemed like she could use a friend. And I get it, because she’s in quarantaine with Milan]

SANDER: [Poor her. We should send her a care package...]

ROBBE: [Hahahaha]

ROBBE: [You’re so fynny.]

ROBBE: [*Funny]

SANDER: [I know, one of my many many skills. 😉]

ROBBE: [You do have a few skills I’ve enjoyed being on the receiving end of.]

SANDER: [Have you now?]

ROBBE: [Yeah.]

ROBBE: [You’re a great kisser.]

SANDER: [Just great?]

ROBBE: [The best.]

ROBBE: [And I envy your artistic talent too. You can create beutiful art with just your mind and your hands.]

ROBBE: [My mom was watching Ghost the other day and I thought of you.]

SANDER: [With Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze?]

ROBBE: [Yeah.]

SANDER: [Well I haven’t really tried pottery yet... But I can do a bit of sculpting.]

ROBBE: [Seriously?]

SANDER: [Yeah, it was a thing back in high school. You could try it, like a workshop.]

SANDER: [We’ll do a pottery date once this is all over then.]

SANDER: [Then we can give your mom some pots to put her plants in.]

ROBBE: [Oh no, the plants... it’s gotten worse, you know.]

SANDER: [Baby, it’s comforting to her...]

ROBBE: [She calls them my siblings...]

SANDER: [Yeah okay that’s a bit weird 😊]

ROBBE: [She asked about you yesterday though. She also apologized for the rules and that you couldn’t come over.]

SANDER: [Oh?]

ROBBE: [Yeah but when I asked if she’d consider changing it so you could visit, she said she didn’t feel like it was smart right now though...]

SANDER: [Maybe she’ll feel better about it next week.]

SANDER: [Until then we’ll just have to make do this way.]

ROBBE: [I miss you though...]

SANDER: [I miss you too.]

~

The sky outside of his window was already dark, and about two hours ago Robbe had texted him goodnight but under the small light of his desktop lamp, Sander had continued to work on a piece.

He had always been the type to enjoy the night over the daytime anyways. And while his doctors advised him to have a fixed sleeping schedule, preferably somewhere between 11pm and 8AM, Sander had taken the creative liberty to only apply that on days where he didn’t feel like doing something with his art. Today was not one of those days, and so the clock on his computer indicated 01.25 when Sander looked up hearing a notification noise. 

He switched over to facebook messenger, where he smiled seeing an incoming call from Mia. 

“Hi.”

“Hi. I saw you were online at this hour. And then I told myself I shouldn’t be so surprised because I know you can lose track of time a lot when you work on your stuff.”

“You know me well...” Sander smiled. “But you’re up on this hour too...”

“Yeah. Just finished a movie. Simon kept texting me throughout the whole thing though.” Mia said, then looking at her phone and groaning. She showed her phone to Sander, which read Simon had texted her, again. 

“You have to give him credit for the effort, no?” Sander asked. He wasn’t sure if that would be the approach Mia would go with, since she had been switching her opinions on the subject of Simon Maes every other day.

“I mean... I guess. But not when I’m watching a chickflick. You know that’s a pet peeve of mine.”

Sander laughed and shook his head. “Right. You and your student job at Kinepolis... You need to remind me how that popcorn trick works again once this is all over by the way.”

“I can do that... If you tell me about the date plans. Any... special occasion?” Mia asked curiously. Not that she would consider herself a shipper, especially of real life people. But Sander wàs her best friend and seeing him happy was something she really did enjoy. 

“Nothing in particular. I mean, our 6 month anniversary isn’t until a while from now.” Sander said. He looked back at his calendar with a smile, flipping the page to April since it was after midnight. A new picture of David Bowie appeared on the Bowie-themed calendar his dad got him for Christmas. He smiled, because this was one of his favorite pictures of him and it happened to be on his birthday month.

“What about your birthday? Any plans for that?” Mia asked, almost as if she could read Sander’s mind.

“Nothing planned. My mom says she wants to cook my favorite food, so I need to start brainstorming on that.”

“Pasta carbonara!” Mia chimed in right away.

“My favorite food. Not yours.” Sander laughed. 

“You like pasta carbonara though...” Mia replied. 

Sander shrugged. “I do. But it’s not my favorite.”

“Oh well. I’m sure you can think of something. Something that your mom can make, that is.”

Sander laughed again. “My dad said he’s going to be stand-by just in case.”

“See and that’s why your parents’ marriage works, and mine are divorced.” Mia said. “I envy you sometimes.”

“You literally have two houses, one of which has a pool.” Sander frowned. “You know how convenient that is going to be over the summer?”

Mia looked outside of the window to the pool at her dad’s house and then concluded Sander may have a point. And it made her also more convinced of the choice to not stay in her dorms. ”Who knew I’d be glad I chose to be all the way back in Brasschaat...” Mia smiled. 

“Don’t worry, the city isn’t all that amazing either right now. I actually plan to go on a walk tomorrow or the day after to see if the rest of the city is just as quiet...” Sander said. He had already mapped out his route, which would end at the mural because there he planned on videocalling Robbe. Or just doing a video, since the connection wasn’t that great out there by the water.

“A walk.” Mia said, laughing. “Sorry. I just think it’s hilarious how politicians are deciding if and when we can do physical activities, and that they’re trying to police us sitting on benches and stuff like that.”

Sander clicked his tongue, Mia’s usual political comments slipping through. But then again, she was the step-daughter of the acting mayor of Brasschaat so that wasn’t a surprise. What was most surprising was that she basically disagreed with the entire political view her step-father stood for.

“Well you heard what Bart said. Our mayor isn’t going to give anyone a fine if they break that rule.”

“I guess I’ll have to talk to my stepdad to get that arranged here.” Mia winked. 

Sander raised his hand in a thumbs up. “While you’re at it, also get him to allow poolparties at your house for the summer.”

“Are you self-inviting?” Mia gasped.

“Maybe.... And a plus one if it’s not too much to ask.” Sander joked, trying his luck. 

“Yeah yeah. Fine. I’ll see what I can do. And if it doesn’t work this summer then just whenever we can, okay.” Mia said. 

Sander nodded, checking the time on his computer again before realizing it was already way too late. “I should go now though. I was actually supposed to be done at 11PM but somehow I can never seem to stick to that time.”

“Oh okay.”

“Goodnight.”

Mia waved at the screen. “Night. Talk to you soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the story I wanted to write, the one that is absolutely 100% worth all the hours I've spent on it. And I just hope this final chapter is also bring you all some joy as bittersweet as it might be. 
> 
> For those of you who wanna know what's next; more fics, for sure. I can't tell you when, or if they will be the same size as this one (probably not). Right now I'm going to give myself a break. I will focus on getting a job and finally experiencing Antwerp now that it's allowed again. But I enjoy writing for this fandom so keep your eyes out for my other works (or you can read some of the ones I wrote for Skam). I won't be gone for too long.
> 
> And if you're really curious about what I have in mind specifically, re-read the last line of the fic for a little tease :)
> 
> Lots of love - Taya


End file.
